Hineini Parenting

 

In the parasha we just read we see the only conversation between Yitzchak and Avraham- father and son. As it says in Bereishit 22:7:

וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יִצְחָ֜ק אֶל־אַבְרָהָ֤ם אָבִיו֙ וַיֹּ֣אמֶר אָבִ֔י וַיֹּ֖אמֶר הִנֶּ֣נִּֽי בְנִ֑י וַיֹּ֗אמֶר הִנֵּ֤ה הָאֵשׁ֙ וְהָ֣עֵצִ֔ים וְאַיֵּ֥ה הַשֶּׂ֖ה לְעֹלָֽה׃ (ח) וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ אַבְרָהָ֔ם אֱלֹהִ֞ים יִרְאֶה־לּ֥וֹ הַשֶּׂ֛ה לְעֹלָ֖ה בְּנִ֑י וַיֵּלְכ֥וּ שְׁנֵיהֶ֖ם יַחְדָּֽו׃

 And Isaac spoke unto Abraham his father, and said: ‘My father.’ And he said: ‘Here am I, my son.’ And he said: ‘Behold the fire and the wood; but where is the lamb for a burnt-offering?’ (8) And Abraham said: ‘God will provide Himself the lamb for a burnt-offering, my son.’ So they went both of them together.

Akeidat Yitzchak is quite a difficult story to comprehend, and not our place to discuss now. But, I wanted to focus on Avraham’s “Hineini” moment,   (and the word הנני appears a few times in this perek), specifically when it comes to his relationship with his son Yitzchak. Yitzchak suspects something is up. He calls out to his beloved father - as we see the pasuk says that “Yitzchak called out to Avraham his father” . Despite the fact that we know Avraham is his father the pasuk tells us that in order to stress their close relationship. And, then Yitzchak calls him “אָבִ֔י” “my father.”  What typifies this close relationship? The word “ הנני”- no matter what the circumstance, no matter what happens…I am your parent and I will always be here for you. And, the proof in the pudding is that even after,  according to the commentaries, when Yitzchak figures out that he is to be sacrificed still “וַיֵּלְכ֥וּ שְׁנֵיהֶ֖ם יַחְדָּֽו” they went both of them together - united and hand in hand, with their close relationship. 

Clearly this was the most difficult situation of their lives- for both father and son. And, yet, וַיֵּלְכ֥וּ שְׁנֵיהֶ֖ם יַחְדָּֽו- they were there for each other. As long as Yitzchak saw that his father was always there for him, that bond would prevail.  This was not the only “Hineini moment” in their relationship.  Their relationship was full of “Hineini moments” and thus Yitzchak knew his father would always be there for him and would take care of him. 

I like to call this type of parenting “Hineini parenting.” It is essential to outright tell our children, “I am here for you no matter what.”  We cannot expect them to intuit it- we need to tell them outright.  In the article “Why You Need To Say ‘I’m Here For You No Matter What’” by Dr. Elizabeth Dorrance Hall,  “Research has shown that knowing there are people who can support you if and when you need it can help ward off mental and physical health problems.”  To make clear, it is not about the support you actually receive, it is about the support that you think  you will receive. This is called “support availability” which is linked to both positive mental and physical health. This support availability- your perception of whether someone is there to help you-  is more important than the support you actually receive!  Dr. Dorrance Hall then stresses a practical result of this research,  “The emphasis placed on perceived support in the research leads me to suggest that we let our loved ones know, explicitly, that we are there for them if they need us…Preliminary research out of my lab, the Family Communication and Relationships Lab, has found that explicitly communicating to others that you are there for them is closely related to perceptions of support availability and that those perceptions are related to more satisfying sibling relationships in adulthood.

Hillary Cole, in her article “Why I Will Always Be A Best Friend To My Child” calls this “Hineini” “being their best friend” “Being their best friend means you are there for them, no matter what, to listen, support, love, guide, explain, teach, share wisdom, and be their safe place…. (Describing a parent) They need to know that they can go to her when they need her. 

• They can tell her things without worrying about being judged.

• They can trust her with their thoughts, worries, and questions. 

• They can always trust her and know she is their ‘safe place.’ 

• They can lean on her. 

• She is there when her children need her – they are never alone. 

• She is honest, forthcoming, helpful, wise, and loving. She is a true best friend. “

Just to be clear. This does not mean that we do not discipline them when needed and we expect respect. It does not mean condoning bad behavior.  When a child opens up to a parent (due to the “Hineini” quality of their relationship) and the child shares a misbehavior, the parent would commend the child for telling the truth, and then perhaps share a consequence, and speak about how to fix the mistake and do better the next time. When a child feels respected, (respect- based) he/she will come to a parent for advice, and guidance, rather than lying and avoiding the parent when their relationship is “fear-based.”   

As parents, when our children are upset, and even and especially when we are disappointed in their behavior, we need to verbally express “ הנני”- no matter what the circumstance, no matter what happens…I am your parent and I will always be here for you.  We  need to say it as often as possible out loud. Rabbi Yisroel Goldstein, in his video “Hineini-What To Do When Your Child Calls Out For You”- says it directly. We should be telling our children, “I am here for you. I am present. Avraham didn’t say, ‘Talk to me later, ‘ ‘I can’t talk to you now.’ ‘I’m busy.’ The world stopped for his son. I am all present- I am all in.”  We never want our children to feel like they need to lie to us about a misbehavior. I would rather they tell me- I will always step in to help.  

One other area with this concept of saying “Hineini” to your children comes about is when it comes to technology use.  Rabbi Beni Krohn, as part of the “Living Connected Bergen County School Shul” campaign wrote “Hineini- Being Truly Present For Those In Our Lives Who Matter Most.” 

Rabbi Beni Krohn goes back to our word Hineini from this past week’s parasha. “It is this word, “Hineni,” “I am here for you, Yitzchak. There is nothing else, and no one else in my mind,” It is this statement that calms Yitzchak and allows him to continue.” And, when Avraham says the same word to Hashem he is saying “ “I am here to do whatever it is you will ask of me. You have my undivided attention…But what is it about this one word? This idea of Hineni, that allows it to play such a crucial role in one of the most famous stories of the Jewish people? I believe the answer is that being fully present is one of the most important features of every facet of our lives as Torah Jews.”

And, it is the ability to put away our phones when our children are speaking to us-the ability to give them our “undivided attention” and to be “fully present” that makes a difference in their lives. 

Rabbi Krohn continues, “And if it’s true in our relationship with others, how true it is in our relationship with Hashem. We have become so concerned with missing out on an email, a status update or a score. It’s time we become more concerned with missing out on life.”

        On the topic of a “Hineini” moment, I came across an article by Rabbi Binny Freedman written in 2017 “Hineini- We are here for today and tomorrow.”  He points out that Avraham also said “Hineini” to Hashem- without even knowing what Hashem was asking him to do. He was saying “Whatever you ask me to do- I will do.” He writes:  “This is an essential component of a child- parent relationship:  Imagine your daughter calls you up from school and you can hear the quiver in her voice; sense the tears that are on the verge of bursting forth, and you instantly know hineni: here I am; whatever she needs.” 

(The start of his article, although it has nothing to do with parenting, struck me during the difficult time we are in and I thought I would share. A young man was sharing what must have been an extremely difficult experience: the house his unit had taken refuge in was hit by a Hezbollah anti-tank missile, a number of his comrades had been killed and wounded, and he himself wasn’t sure he would make it. But what made me stop and listen was his face. He had lost comrades, yet there was no pain in his eyes, no tragic sadness in his voice. If anything, his eyes were animated; alive; and his voice was full of hope and promise. He spoke of his plans for the future and how lucky he was to have made it through, how he had been given a new lease on life and now was determined to make it a life worth living. I was taken by how “at peace” he seemed. The interviewer asked the veteran, “If you had the chance to do it over again, would you have made the same choices, would you have gone to fight?” He responded in the affirmative. At which point the cameraman panned back to reveal that the speaker was sitting in a wheelchair and had with no legs. His battle injuries had resulted in a double amputation, from the knee down….“You would do this again?” the interviewer asked, “even if you knew you would suffer the same injuries?” His face took on a surprised look. “I had the privilege of serving as a Jewish soldier, in a Jewish army, defending the Jewish people in a Jewish state,” he said. “After 2,000 years of dreaming, I had this privilege. Of course I would do it again!”...Indeed, it is within the context of hineni that we respond to life’s greatest challenges. When Israeli reserve soldiers stop what they are doing and answer a call to battle, however painful and challenging that may be, they are essentially saying “here I am.”...The Israeli reservist understands that his country needs him. He recognizes that he is needed, and he essentially says ‘here I am’.”)

“Hineini” parenting is the secret to parenting success. Avraham discovered it many years ago- before the advent of phones.  May we merit to share “Hineini” moments with our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students learned how to organize their spaces at home. They also began their Triple S - Sixth Grade Skills Seminar- curriculum with middle school administrators who focused on time management skills. 

Seventh Grade:  Students implemented their teamwork and communication skills in Frost Valley. 

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed what they are looking for in a high school, and what they think their parents are looking for!

Let Go and Let G-d!

  As you know, this past week on Election Day 8 Jewish schools in the Bergen county area joined together to hear a presentation from Dr. David Rosmarin titled "Three Practical Strategies to Help Your Students Thrive with Anxiety.”  Parents had the opportunity to hear him the night before (I joined that presentation as well). Dr. Rosmarin is the author of the book Thriving With Anxiety- 9 Tools To Make Anxiety Work For You.  After that presentation, guidance staff from the schools met with Dr. Rosmarin as a group. It is always wonderful to exchange ideas and meet with our colleagues in the other schools.  We are all on the same mission- to educate our children and make school a place of growth.  

Dr. Rosmarin spent some time speaking about how those who need to deal with difficult, anxiety- provoking situations tend to manage anxiety better. For example, the United States is considered a high income country. Children in middle income countries, such as Brazil and Mexico, have half as much anxiety as high income countries. Low income countries, like Peru, where there are children living in villages with no electricity, no indoor plumbing, have half as much anxiety than children in middle income countries. Life is harder, and yet they are less anxious. They are used to daily anxiety, and thus are able to cope better and are overall less anxious. 

Additionally, the anxiety levels in Israel, despite a war going on, and before the war being threatened by enemies, are actually lower than it is in the United States. This topic is connected to the article I wrote in March when I shared that the World Happiness report just came out on March 14  published by the United Nations Sustainable Development Solutions Network, in advance of World Happiness Day.  Among the 155 countries surveyed, Israel was number 11!  The United States was number 15. Some characteristics noted in the top countries were caring, freedom, generosity, honesty (yes, Israelis never hold back what’s on their minds!), health, income, and good governance.  Some other characteristics noted were “having someone to count on in times of trouble, generosity, trust.”  All good qualities to reinforce with our children.  

While Dr. Rosmarin's overall theme was that anxiety is good for you- so use it, don’t erase it, I want to focus on another component of his presentation. One strategy he suggested for dealing with anxiety was building a spiritual connection. I want to stress that this is not particularly about Judaism. Dr. Rosmarin’s research (despite being an Orthodox Jew) applies to non- Jews as well.  In fact, in Harvard University he leads a “Spiritual and Mental Health  Laboratory” where “ We use scientific methods to study the relevance of spirituality/religion to behavioral and emotional wellbeing and distress. Our ultimate goal is to generate novel methods to prevent and treat mental disorders.” Additionally, he is on staff at McClean Hospital, renowned for its mental health inpatient treatment programs,  where he is “the director of the Spirituality and Mental Health Program- Dr. Rosmarin studies the relevance of spirituality to mental health, and he innovates methods for clinicians to address this area of life. He has published over 100 manuscripts, editorials, and chapters, and served as co-editor of the Handbook of Spirituality, Religion and Mental Health.”  In fact, the program that residents experience is called the SPIRIT program-  Spiritual Psychotherapy for Inpatient, Residential & Intensive Treatment (SPIRIT). In a one year research study on the program, about 1,500 patients voluntarily participated in SPIRIT group sessions, and more than 90 percent reported getting something positive, including spiritual or religious resources helpful in their broader treatment.

For those of you who have been reading my column for some years you will know that this intervention he calls “spiritual connection” has been my passion for years.  There has been much focus on the importance of SEL- social emotional learning to raise resilient children who are able to face their emotions and the world.  While we have had a weekly Advisory program focusing on social emotional skills at Yavneh for 19 years, I have maintained that there is a different SEL that we who are working in yeshivot and we as Jewish parents need to relay to our students.  Our students need more of an additional SEL - Spiritual Emunah Learning. 

We know the plethora of psychological research substantiating the impact of belief in G-d and religion on lowering anxiety.  79% of studies in a 2015 review by Duke University of 3,000 research studies investigating the relationship between religion and psychological well-being showed a link between religion and psychological well-being. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” Studies indicate that people who believe in G-d and pray to Him actually get healthier more quickly, can tolerate pain and difficulty better, have more positive attitudes, are more persistent,  and are even happier. Higher  levels of “religiosity” are overall associated with better mental health. 

Dr. Rosmarin stated “According to psychological science, the main causes of anxiety include intolerance of uncertainty and the need to be in control. Conversely, anxiety tends to be substantially less distressing when we are able to let go and accept the unknown.”  We need to “Let go and let G-d.”  We let go and know that G-d will take care of us.  As Rosmarin says in his book “Accepting that nothing is certain, therefore, tends to open the door to conversations about faith in a more spiritual sense (for example, about a higher power)...At its core, transcendent faith is about recognizing and internalizing that we do not have control- and feeling good about that fact.  It involves letting go completely and surrendering fully with the acceptance that we are only human.” Dr. Rosmarin asserts that the most powerful part of prayer- even for the non-religious- is it helps us internalize the fact that our power is limited. And, so when we accept our limits we can accept reality more easily.  We need to actively help our children build a spiritual connection. It is not just about religion. It is about their mental health as well. 

Dr. David Pelcovitz, in his article “Coping With Loss and Terror: Jewish and Psychological Perspectives” refers to Avraham’s test in this coming week’s parasha- Vayera. The Ramban on Bereishit 22:1 shares a lesson about how to deal with difficulty: (and anxiety resulting from difficulty): 

וְהָאֱלֹקִים נִסָּה אֶת אַבְרָהָם עִנְיַן הַנִּסָּיוֹן הוּא לְדַעְתִּי בַּעֲבוּר הֱיוֹת מַעֲשֵׂה הָאָדָם רְשׁוּת מֻחְלֶטֶת בְּיָדוֹ, אִם יִרְצֶה יַעֲשֶׂה וְאִם לֹא יִרְצֶה לֹא יַעֲשֶׂה, יִקָּרֵא "נִסָּיוֹן" מִצַּד הַמְּנֻסֶּה, אֲבָל הַמְּנַסֶּה יִתְבָּרַךְ יְצַוֶּה בּוֹ לְהוֹצִיא הַדָּבָר מִן הַכֹּחַ אֶל הַפֹּעַל, לִהְיוֹת לוֹ שְׂכַר מַעֲשֶׂה טוֹב, לֹא שְׂכַר לֵב טוֹב בִּלְבַד. דַּע כִּי הַשֵּׁם צַדִּיק יִבְחָן (תהלים י"א:ה'), כְּשֶׁהוּא יוֹדֵעַ בְּצַדִּיק שֶׁיַּעֲשֶׂה רְצוֹנוֹ וְחָפֵץ לְהַצְדִּיקוֹ יְצַוֶּה אוֹתוֹ בְּנִסָּיוֹן, וְלֹא יִבְחַן אֶת הָרְשָׁעִים אֲשֶׁר לֹא יִשְׁמְעוּ. וְהִנֵּה כָּל הַנִּסְיוֹנוֹת שֶׁבַּתּוֹרָה לְטוֹבַת הַמְּנֻסֶּה:

AND G-D TRIED ABRAHAM. The matter of “trial,” in my opinion, is as follows: Since a man’s deeds are at his absolute free command, to perform them or not to perform them at his will, on the part of one who is tried it is called “a trial.” But on the part of the One, blessed be He, who tries the person, it is a command that the one being tested should bring forth the matter from the potential into actuality so that he may be rewarded for a good deed, not for a good thought alone.

Know further that G-d trieth the righteous, for knowing that the righteous will do His will, He desires to make him even more upright, and so He commands him to undertake a test, but He does not try the wicked, who would not obey. Thus all trials in the Torah are for the good of the one who is being tried.

Dr. Pelcovitz points out that the Ramban presents the view of “growth potential that is actualized by struggle presented by life’s ordeals.”  As Dr. Rosmarin stated- don’t get rid of difficulty or anxiety- it helps you grow! It’s actually good for you.  

And as the Midrash Rabbah 55:1 further elucidates: 

וַיְהִי אַחַר הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה וְהָאֱלֹקים נִסָּה אֶת אַבְרָהָם (בראשית כב, א), כְּתִיב (תהלים ס, ו): נָתַתָּה לִּירֵאֶיךָ נֵס לְהִתְנוֹסֵס מִפְּנֵי קשֶׁט סֶלָּה, נִסָּיוֹן אַחַר נִסָּיוֹן, וְגִדּוּלִין אַחַר גִּדּוּלִין, בִּשְׁבִיל לְנַסּוֹתָן בָּעוֹלָם, בִּשְׁבִיל לְגַדְּלָן בָּעוֹלָם כַּנֵּס הַזֶּה שֶׁל סְפִינָה

“It was after these matters, God tested Abraham.” It is written: “You have given those who fear You a banner [nes] to wave [lehitnoses], because of truth [koshet], Selah” (Psalms 60:6) – test [nisayon] after test, elevation after elevation, in order to test them in [the eyes of] the world, and in order to exalt them in [the eyes of] the world, like an ensign [nes] on a ship.

A test, a challenge full of anxiety- elevates you and makes you better, stronger and more resilient. 

The Orchot Tzaddikim, quoted by both Dr. Pelcovitz and Dr. Rosmarin, states in Shaar HaTeshuva, Gate 26:

 כִּי הַצָּרוֹת הֵם לְטוֹבָתוֹ וּלְהֵיטִיב בְּאַחֲרִיתוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (מיכה ד ח): ״אַל תִּשְׂמְחִי אֹיַבְתִּי לִי, כִּי נָפַלְתִּי קָמְתִּי, כִּי אֵשֵׁב בַּחֹשֶׁךְ יְיָ אוֹר לִי״. וְאָמְרוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה: אִלְמָלֵא שֶׁנָּפַלְתִּי – לֹא קַמְתִּי; וְאִלְמָלֵא שֶׁיָּשַׁבְתִּי בַּחֹשֶׁךְ – לֹא הָיָה אוֹר לִי.

… to know that the afflictions are for his own good, and in the end it will be well with him. As it is said, "Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy; though I am fallen, I shall arise; though I sit in darkness, the Lord is a light unto me" (Micah 7:8). And our Sages, of blessed memory, said, "If I had not fallen, I would not have arisen! And, if I had not sat in the darkness, I would not have seen the light!" (Shohar Tov 22:7).

In order to rise, one needs to fall first. As Dr. Rosmarin writes, “Once pain has meaning, people stop struggling against it and become more accepting, so the suffering decreases - and in some cases dissipates altogether.”   

And, so, I will end with a segment from a column I wrote during covid related to Dr. Rosmarin’s theme is that it is okay to let go, to fail, to be anxious and realize that we don’t have control. All of that leads to spirituality which can support us during anxious times.

Sometimes we need to teach our children to say, “It will be difficult.  No miracle may be waiting around the corner. But, Hashem is always with me and He will support me no matter how hard it gets.”  And, our relationship with Hashem is like all relationships. There are times when we feel Him close by and times of distance. But, He is always there. 

Sarah Radcliffe, in her article “Helping Children Develop Faith” stresses the importance of first allowing children to express their anxieties and to never shut them down by saying things like “Don’t worry- G-d always protects us.” Although that statement is true, statements like that “should not be offered until you have helped the child address his or her frightened feelings. Fear causes cortical inhibition (a diminished capacity to process and utilize cognitive information), so providing education while the child is in a frightened state is usually useless. Moreover, trying to do so may be perceived as uncaring, which can harm the parent- child relationship.” 

Radcliffe speaks about the importance of accepting their fears and asking them to tell you about it, so that they feel you are there for them.  We then need to offer strategies to help them relax and calm their fears.  Once they are more relaxed, that is the time to offer statements about belief in G-d, tell stories about how G-d has helped you in the past, or even help them recognize the hand of G-d in their own lives.  She says, “Always help your child turn off fight-or-flight chemistry before talking about Divine Providence!”

What is the best way to do this? To model it for them.  We help our children to develop personal relationships with Hashem and be cognizant of Him in every moment. by modeling for them and allowing for them to see our connection to Hashem.  

       One way is by speaking about it out loud.  Whenever you have the opportunity to discuss an example of G-d in your life bring it up in conversation. There is  a famous story of the Kotzker Rebbe.  He was walking by a small boy and asked him, “Little boy, where is G-d?” The boy replied, “That’s easy. He is everywhere.”  The Kotzker Rebbe responded, “G-d is only where you allow Him to enter.”   As parents, as with any value or skill we want our children to acquire, when we model bringing Hashem into our daily lives, our children will mimic and internalize this behavior.   And, when they learn Tanach or even learn science or history, we need to make a conscious effort to point out the hand of Hashem.

And, so we left Dr. Rosmarin’s presentation realizing that our “anxious generation” can thrive. We just need to reinforce that anxiety is good for you. It can help you grow. And, let go and let G-d. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students learned the PACK method for organizing their lockers and backpacks.

Seventh Grade:Students learned some essential communication skills needed for teamwork to be experienced at Frost Valley this week.

Eighth Grade:  Students learned about the interview process and important life skills related to their high school interview.

We Will Dance Again!

  The season of Yamim Noraim is coming to a close, and we are all beginning to build our sukkahs- some even last night. As we go from a quite serious time of year to a festive one, as we know that regarding Sukkot it says ושמחת בחגיך - be happy in your holiday, it feels like a sudden change. How can we switch from one mode to another so quickly? Likewise, this year we know that Simchat Torah- known for its happiness, is a day when a terrible tragedy occurred.  On one hand “עוד נחזור לרקוד” We will dance again!  On the other hand, there is deep sadness. 

How do we switch to happiness? And, should we let go of the seriousness/sadness? As I had mentioned in my column last week, I joined a workshop by Ohel and one of the primary questions they asked was the dilemma on how to mark the day of October 7th. Do we rather put the focus on the horror, trauma and the tragedy so we do not risk losing what happened?  Or should we focus on the heroism and  poignant optimism?  

Rabbi Doron Perez, in his article “Broken Completeness” begins by sharing that the shofar was used for celebration- coronation of a king, and other occasions when the Jews were gathered to celebrate.  But we know that the word תרועה also means “a broken sighing sound.” On Rosh Hashana we celebrate with Yom Tov meals, but we don’t say Hallel. So, he wonders- is the shofar a sign of celebration or crying?  His answer is that “they are both at the very same time.”  The brokenness of Rosh Hashana is also a celebration. 

So, too with the word שבר. We normally think that the word שבר means broken. However,  In Bereishit 42:1 when Yaakov is sending his children down to Egypt to get food during a famine he says:

וַיֹּ֕אמֶר הִנֵּ֣ה שָׁמַ֔עְתִּי כִּ֥י יֶשׁ־שֶׁ֖בֶר בְּמִצְרָ֑יִם רְדוּ־שָׁ֙מָּה֙ וְשִׁבְרוּ־לָ֣נוּ מִשָּׁ֔ם וְנִחְיֶ֖ה וְלֹ֥א נָמֽוּת׃

Now I hear,” he went on, “that there are rations to be had in Egypt. Go down and procure rations for us there, that we may live and not die.”

In this case שבר is not broken or a painful word, but it is a solution to a crisis.  It means to acquire grain.  It means sustenance. And, Yoseph is called the משביר- the sustainer. Somehow the word שבר can mean broken and sustaining at the same time. 

And, likewise with the matzah from Pesach.  It represents לחם עוני- bread of our affliction which we ate as slaves, but also represents the bread we ate when leaving as it had no time to rise.  “By now, of course, we know the answer- it is the duality (and dichotomy) of human life…” 

Rabbi Perez points out that in Kohelet 3 it states  לַכֹּ֖ל זְמָ֑ן וְעֵ֥ת לְכָל־חֵ֖פֶץ תַּ֥חַת הַשָּׁמָֽיִם Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven. However, interestingly enough if you look at the pasukim, for example pasuk 4:

 עֵ֤ת לִבְכּוֹת֙ וְעֵ֣ת לִשְׂח֔וֹק עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד

A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time of wailing and a time of dancing.

Notice it doesn’t say “A time to weep or a time to laugh, a time of wailing or a time of dancing” - it says “and” - as if one weeps and laughs simultaneously or wails and dances at the same time. There are times in life when we do both. That is the state he calls “broken completeness.”  It is okay to celebrate, and to have sadness as well simultaneously.

In fact, Dr. Norman Blumenthal at the Ohel workshop stated that the ability to remember the sadness along with the happy times is a predictor of resilience. He referenced to a research study on the “oscillating narrative.” When children learn their family stories- their history-  including both happy and difficult “stories,” (oscillating between good and bad), it helps create a shared history, strengthens emotional bonds and helps them make sense of their experiences when something senseless happens- like October 7th. 

 Dr. Robyn Fivush, from Emory University where the study was conducted, states, ““When we don’t know what to do, we look for stories about how people have coped in the past….A horrific event happened on 9/11 for example; we were attacked. But we came together as a nation, persevered and rose back up together. Such narratives help build a shared capacity for resilience. That’s true for nations and it’s true for families…. We found that in families that talked in more coherent and emotionally open ways about challenging family events with 10- to 12-year-olds, the children coped better over the two-year period than in families telling less emotionally expressive and coherent stories about their challenges…Adolescents are especially hungry for these kinds of stories, she adds. “If they roll their eyes, so be it, they’re still listening,” Fivush says. “It’s the really mundane, everyday stories that reassure them that life is stable. It provides a sense of continuity, of enduring relationships and values. They need to know that they come from a long line of people who are strong, who are resilient, who are brave.The definition of who they are is not just something independent and autonomous, spun from nowhere. It’s embedded in a long, intergenerational family story.”  Ultimately, the goal is to help children construct a coherent story that validates their feelings while helping them think of resolutions. 

Some mistakenly think hiding sad circumstances from our children will help them be happier. But, in essence, when difficult situations inevitably happen to them, they will have no “oscillating narrative” from which to gain strength. 

And, so when we speak about Simchat Torah/October 7th and still maintain happiness, we show them that we can be sad, but still continue and endure. We should note the sadness, but engage in the happiness at the same time. We speak of the tragedy, but also focus on the strength of the Jewish people- to move on, to laugh, to have Emunah, to be united and yes…to dance again.

We will be happy, but we will always remember.  As Lesli Koppelman Ross writes in her article, “The Importance of Remembering,” “It is memory that has allowed us to last through thousands of years of history. Our religion and our people are founded on the collective memory of revelation at Sinai. Scripture throughout commands us to remember: Remember the Sabbath day (Exodus 20:8), observe the Sabbath as a reminder of the Creation (Exodus 20:11) and of the Exodus (Deuteronomy 5:15); remember, continually, the Exodus; remember what the evil Amalek did… All those memories define us and help us keep focused on the goal of our national mission. As the Baal Shem Tov (the founder of [Hasidism]) taught, “Forgetfulness leads to exile while remembrance is the secret of redemption.” 

In fact, as Mendel Kalmenson points out in his article “History Or Memory?”, in Hebrew, there is no word for “history,” as the word “הסטוריה” is clearly straight from the English, which was from the Greek.  He points out that the absence of the word in the Hebrew language indicates that there is no such thing as “history” in Judaism, rather there is זכרון- remembering, found numerous places in Tanach and Jewish thought. “It goes far beyond semantics, cutting straight to the core of Judaism’s perception of the past.  You see, “history” is his-story, not mine. The first two letters of “memory,” however, spell me. Memory is a part of me, and history, apart from me Without me there is no memory.  Put differently: History is made up of objective facts, and memory of subjective experience.”

And, so, Kalmenson continues, that Judaism is not interested in recalling dry facts, but rather in “reliving” experiences.  That is why there is so much reenactment in Judaism. We don’t just commemorate, we remember. We don’t just recount someone else’s story, we relive our own. Some noted examples, the seder, sitting in the sukkah, sitting on the floor on Tisha B’av or staying up all night on Shavuot.  Kalmenson continues to explain that revelation at Har Sinai itself substantiates this “memory.” We were all present at Har Sinai- all present and future souls.  This is different from other religions where G- d only reveals Himself to the prophet, upon whom they must trust to relay exactly what he heard. G-d was not simply the G-d of our fathers, but rather the G-d that we each heard from ourselves.  In Judaism every person- to the lowliest servant- heard G-d. And, G-d addressed each one of them, “Anochi Hashem Elokecha” - and not elokeichem.  As each one of us lived the event at Har Sinai, “it turned our nation’s most seminal event into a living memory as opposed to a lifeless history.” 

As we spend hours building, decorating and living in our sukkot, we are in fact reliving the experience of the Jewish people living in the desert- where Hashem took care of them.  Despite their living in flimsy shacks- Hashem protected them with the ענני הכבוד- the clouds of glory. The Vilan Gaon questions then why do we not celebrate Sukkot right after Pesach, in Nissan? Isn’t that when the Jews entered the desert? He explains that in essence Sukkot actually commemorates that after Cheit Haegel- the sin of the golden calf- the clouds of glory returned as Hashem forgave them.  That is why we celebrate Sukkot on the 15th of Tishrei. Hashem forgave us on the 10th (Yom Kippur) and then their relationship was reborn and the clouds returned. 

We as Jews consider the oscillating narrative of the hard times that our ancestors experienced living in sukkot in the desert, and the happiness and security of Hashem taking care of them. It was hard, but they picked themselves up and in unity they felt the closeness of Hashem.  And, because of that memory we know that as we celebrate Simchat Torah this year, we are going through hard times, like our ancestors before us, but we too will pick ourselves up and in unity עוד נחזור לרקוד- We will dance again!! 

Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on organization.

Seventh Grade: Students continued learning key elements to good communication.

Eighth Grade: Students continued discussing the elements that go into the high school decision.