Happier New Year!

             In June, as the students waved goodbye and were off to their summer adventures, our faculty embarked on our own new adventure- on the Redhawks Read- Faculty Edition. Teachers were offered a selection of personal growth books suggested by administrators who also led discussion groups before starting the book and after reading the book over the summer, during the faculty in-service days last week.  I chose to lead my session utilizing the book Happier by Dr. Tal Ben Shahar and had the privilege of about 25 faculty members joining me. 

Why did I choose that book? I chose it so that faculty members could 1.  Work on improving their own happiness and 2. Work on improving the happiness of their students. (Both equally important!) 

I was introduced to the work of  Dr. Ben Shahar some years ago in 2011 when I was working on a shiur on Chanukah and parenting and hakarat hatov- recognizing the good. I began with a basic quote from Ben Shahar: In research done by Robert Emerson and Michael McCullough, those who kept a daily gratitude journal – writing down at least five things for which they were grateful- enjoyed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being. 

I then began reading his books, learning more from him. I then used his material to prepare for another shiur on Happiness. And, thus, the topic of my shiur was the “pursuit of happiness” words from our Declaration of Independence. How fitting as we celebrate 250 years of our country!  Note that it does not say “pursuit of life, pursuit of liberty and pursuit of happiness.” It only says “pursuit” in relation to happiness. While I am not an American history expert, to me it seems that achieving happiness is hard work, and one must actively pursue it. (Ben Shahar spends much time in his book discussing that “here on earth we need to work to be happy.”) 

Lo and behold, as I was preparing for my shiur, which of course would include some of Ben Shahar’s research, I came across an email in my inbox that Congregation Rinat Yisrael was hosting a book launch of the book An Ode to Joy- Judaism and Happiness in the Thought of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Beyond, a book of essays coedited by Erica Brown and Shira Weiss.  I then continued reading and saw that the guest speaker would be Dr. Tal Ben Shahar who wrote the forward to the book!!! .

As I left Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, I stood on-line waiting to speak to him and for an autograph on his book Happier.  When I approached him I shared that I am a psychologist in a school and I quote him often, utilizing his strategies in our Advisory curriculum, quoting him in my column,  and just the day before I quoted him at least 3 times in a shiur I gave in the Fair Lawn community. He wrote to me,  “Dear Aliza, Thank you for spreading joy and happiness in our world.”  I told him, we are all working on it! 

So, as we begin the school year, what can we as parents and educators do to bring more joy and happiness to our children- particularly when it comes to school? 

Ben-Shahar uses the imagery of four types of burgers to illustrate four different models of how people pursue happiness. 

1. The Junk Food Burger: It tastes great now, but hurts us later. That’s the Hedonist, chasing immediate pleasure without long-term direction.

2. The Cardboard Burger: Tastes terrible now, but it is healthy. That’s the Rat Racer, constantly suffering in the present for some future payoff.

3. The Worst Burger: Tastes bad and is unhealthy. That’s the Nihilist, who has given up present joy and future hope.

4. The Ideal Burger: Tastes delicious and is good for you. That’s the Happy Archetype—activities that give us present pleasure AND future meaning.

Ben Shahar says that unfortunately, many schools and parents unintentionally train students to become "rat racers"—people who sacrifice present enjoyment for the sake of future rewards (to achieve perfect grades, be in all honors classes, get into high school etc.) And, if that happens school then becomes a place dominated by anxiety, fear of failure and stress. Students then think that doing well on a test is true happiness. 

The solution to this problem is to ensure that we balance present benefit (enjoyment of the process), with future benefit (long- term growth and success). And, so we need to not only focus on tangible grades, but also on the passion and enjoyment of learning. When external rewards are the focus, intrinsic motivation fades. And, so we at Yavneh try to focus on not only what is necessary to learn but to also partner that with a process that is enjoyable to learn.  

As parents, we too need to focus on the excitement and enjoyment of learning with our children. Do we ask them questions about what they are learning just for the sake of discussing and noting how interesting we think what they are learning is, or do we only test them before an exam? We can even directly ask them each day, “Share something that you learned today,” and react with interest and follow-up questions. 

And Ben Shahar shared, “Instead of asking children 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'—which focuses on future status—we should ask 'What brings you joy right now?' and 'What do you love learning about?' The former conditions them to live for the future; the latter invites them to inhabit the present."  He also adds “Teachers and parents who model their own passion for learning, rather than acting as all-knowing authority figures, show children that education is an ongoing source of fulfillment, not a test to be passed."

In Avot 1:3 it states:

 אַל תִּהְיוּ כַעֲבָדִים הַמְשַׁמְּשִׁין אֶת הָרַב עַל מְנָת לְקַבֵּל פְּרָס, אֶלָּא הֱווּ כַעֲבָדִים הַמְשַׁמְּשִׁין אֶת הָרַב שֶׁלֹּא עַל מְנָת לְקַבֵּל פְּרָס

Do not be like servants who serve the master in the expectation of receiving a reward, but be like servants who serve the master without the expectation of receiving a reward…”

Ben Shahar warns against turning education into a "Rat Race" where learning is merely a transaction to get grades, high school admission, or status. Pirkei Avot offers the same advice against outcome-only living: if you study or act only for the "reward" ( פְּרָס), the process loses its sanctity and joy.  That is another way to look at the term תורה לשמה- learning for its own sake. When a child gets a test back we don’t run to ask “What grade did you get?” But rather, “What is the most interesting thing you discovered?” 

Ben Shahar also highlights the importance of not eliminating all struggle or difficulty. We need to focus on a growth mindset,  (Dr. Carol Dweck’s concept- which we have discussed often in this column)- where we frame setbacks and obstacles as opportunities for learning which leads to true self-esteem and satisfaction. This leads to building resilience and emotional well-being.

As parents, we too need to reframe setbacks as essential learning opportunities rather than proof of deficiencies. How do we react when our children come back with grades lower than we expected even after they have put in effort? And, as  parents we need to be sure not to step in and “do work”  for our children when they are struggling. Or, we can help them come up with a solution themselves. In a podcast I heard Dr. Ben Shahar say: 

In addition to willpower, you need way power. Way power is, 'Yes, I can, and here is how I'm going to do it. If that doesn't work, here is how I'm going to do it.' This is plan C, if that doesn't work." 

As it says in Megillah 6b:

אִם יֹאמַר לְךָ אָדָם: יָגַעְתִּי וְלֹא מָצָאתִי — אַל תַּאֲמֵן. לֹא יָגַעְתִּי וּמָצָאתִי — אַל תַּאֲמֵן. יָגַעְתִּי וּמָצָאתִי — תַּאֲמֵן

If a person says to you: I have labored and not found success, do not believe him. Similarly, if he says to you: I have not labored but nevertheless I have found success, do not believe him. If, however, he says to you: I have labored and I have found success, believe him.

Struggle is not proof of inadequacy. The work/labor is the source of growth. We need to praise productive struggles instead of stepping in and doing the work for them. 

One way to achieve the enjoyment of learning is what Ben Shahar shares from psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi who speaks about entering a state of “flow.” Flow is “a state of deep immersion where skill level matches the difficulty of the challenge.” If a task is too difficult it causes anxiety and if it is too easy it causes boredom. As educators we attempt to create assignments and instruction that hit the “sweet spot” between being too comfortable and too anxious.  

As educators we also try to include what Ben Shahar calls MPS (Meaning, Pleasure, Strengths) in the design of our lessons. Meaning- what brings a sense of purpose or importance to the students? Pleasure- what activities or topics do students enjoy? Strengths- what are the students’ natural talents and abilities.  Yes, students will at times need to learn things that they do not enjoy, but teachers do try to include pleasure as much as they can. And, relevance to their lives brings meaning. As Ben Shahar says, “When they study and they ask or are asked, 'So how is that relevant to your life? Where does it meet you?” brings meaning.  

As Shlomo HaMelech says  in Mishlei 22:6- חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֖נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ גַּ֥ם כִּֽי־יַ֜זְקִ֗ין לֹֽא־יָס֥וּר מִמֶּֽנָּה -Teach a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not turn away from it.  We need to discover what each child’s דרך is - his/her unique talents and capabilities and not force them into standard molds. 

 As parents, we need to help our children focus on their talents and abilities, and find opportunities for meaning,  (our Chesed Team is a great outlet for meaning!) in their academics and besides their academics.  Helping others not only brings meaning, but also improves one’s mood.  As Ben Shahar notes, “...help others, suddenly I shift from being helpless to helpful, and that we know is closely associated with the shift from hopeless to hopeful."  

As Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch says in  Nineteen Letters, Letter 11, "You are given strength not to hold it tight within yourself, but to pass it on... The more you give, the more you grow in your own inner capacity.” 

And, of course, before I end, let’s remember the quote from above that I used in the shiur in 2011: In research done by Robert Emerson and Michael McCullough, those who kept a daily gratitude journal – writing down at least five things for which they were grateful- enjoyed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being.  Asking our children daily to share something for which they are grateful will increase their happiness. 

As we begin the new school year and approach Rosh Hashana, may we help our children focus on intellectual challenge in their learning, along with present pleasure and meaning in order to experience a Happier New Year! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students were introduced to the goals of Advisory and the theme of the sixth grade curriculum:  “Do You Want To Succeed In Middle School?...Here’s How.” They got to know their Advisor and engaged in a getting to know you activity. 

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of 7th grade Advisory- “Prepare Yourself To Change The World,” and heard about the various projects they would engage in this year to put social emotional strategies into action. 

Eighth Grade:  Students were introduced to the theme of 8th grade Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh” and their Advisors and did a getting to know you activity. 

Seeing The Cup Half Full

     

Each year, I gift the Advisory teachers (Advisors) with a special book at the end of the year in gratitude for all they have done for our students in implementing the Advisory curriculum each week. They faithfully connect with our students, sharing important life skills, and give them an opportunity to discuss issues that they are facing. 

(At this point, I want to take a bit of a detour as I am mentioning our beloved Advisors. As Mrs. Rubin retires from Yavneh Academy in a few weeks, I can share an endless list of reasons why she will be missed. But, I know she, in her humility, will not be happy if I share all of those in my column. However, there is one area that I must share. Mrs. Rubin, for the past 19 years, has been teaching 8th grade Advisory. Year after year, our 8th graders share that the relationship that they form with her during that class, the care that she shows them each week, and her ability to open their eyes to important issues, has changed their lives. Just one more area in which we will miss you, Mrs. Rubin!)

So, each year, I think about a book that will be of interest in the social/emotional or Judaic world that will impact their lives for the better or will help them understand their students more. This year, I decided to purchase for them the book The Choice- Embrace the Possible by Dr. Edith Eger, which they will receive before school ends. I primarily chose that book (no pun intended) because Dr. Eger passed away at the end of April at the age of 99. I have mentioned her in my columns before and I have incorporated some of her philosophy into our 7th grade Advisory curriculum in the unit “When life gives you lemons- coping with adversity in life.” 

Dr. Eger was  a psychologist and a Holocaust survivor. She wrote in her book regarding suffering in life,  “...victimhood comes from the inside. No one can make you a victim but you.  We become victims not because of what happens to us but when we choose to hold on to our victimization….We cannot choose to have a life free of hurt. But we can choose to be free, to escape the past, no matter what befalls us, and to embrace the possible.  I invite you to make the choice to be free.”  

Dr. Eger wrote that one of her mentors was Dr. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and also a Holocaust survivor and author of the book Man’s Search for Meaning.   In our seventh grade Advisory class we do speak of Dr. Frankl and his philosophy as we discuss how to cope with difficulties in life.  He notes, “Everything can be taken from a man or woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  

Dr. Eger called her form of therapy “Choice Therapy.” As she wrote, “as freedom is about CHOICE- about choosing compassion, humor, optimism, intuition, curiosity, and self- expression.” 

Related to this topic is that of the choice/ability to see the cup half full instead of half empty- an important skill in facing adversity. We also call this seeing a situation with rose colored glasses versus dark colored glasses. In Advisory, we do an activity where we give the students a scenario, and ask them to physically put on glasses with pink colored lenses and then share how they would see the scenario that way. And, then put on dark colored glasses and how they would see it that way. 

For example, for someone who lost power in a hurricane:

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“It was so much fun when the power went off in my house during the hurricane. We all got to sleep in the same room and my father didn’t have to go to work.  We stayed up late telling ghost stories- it was like one big camp fire!  We stayed up all night playing games and having fun by flashlight.  I will never forget that night!”

Dark colored glasses perspective: 

“It was the worst night of my life. There was no power so we all had to squish into one room.  And, all I really wanted to do was to go to sleep in my own room, but my siblings were playing and making so much noise!  It’s so boring with no TV to watch, and I knew my teacher would be angry at me for not doing my homework. I wish we had a generator!”

Rose colored glasses is the “cup half full” perspective. Dark colored glasses is the “cup half empty” perspective.

This past Shabbat I read an article by Rabbi Ozer Alport called “Do You See The Cup Half Full?” He begins by sharing that parashat Shelach tells of the sin of the spies who returned with a negative report of the Land of Israel on Tisha B’av, which lead, according to the Gemara in Taanit 29a, to the destruction and mourning on that day in the future. He shares that the first four perakim in Eicha (which we read on Tisha B’av about the destruction), is written as an acrostic- each pasuk starting with the letters of the aleph bet in order. Interestingly enough,  in perakim 2-4, the letter pei  comes before ayin. Why? The Gemara Sanhedrin 104b shares that : 

אָמַר רָבָא אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: בִּשְׁבִיל מָה הִקְדִּים פֵּא לְעַיִן? בִּשְׁבִיל מְרַגְּלִים שֶׁאָמְרוּ בְּפִיהֶם מַה שֶּׁלֹּא רָאוּ בְּעֵינֵיהֶם .

Rava says that Rabbi Yoḥanan says: For what reason did the prophet precede the verse beginning with the letter peh to the verse beginning with the letter ayin in several chapters of Lamentations? Since peh means mouth and ayin means eye, it is for the spies who said with their mouths [befihem] what they did not see with their eyes [be’eineihem].

Rabbi Alport explains “They placed their mouths (pei- like the word “peh”- mouth) before their eyes (ayin, which also means eye). Rav Moshe Shapira “In this case the Meraglim had already decided that they did not want to live in Eretz Yisrael, so they interpreted everything they saw through a negative lens and returned with a report distorted by their biases.” 

They were unable to see the cup half full. They only saw the cup half empty. 

This is an important lesson for our students as the grow and mature. Life will not always go the way you plan. But, if they are able to make the choice to see the cup half full- to have a positive attitude, they will be able to cope with disappointment and adversity. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on preparation for finals and how to manage.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the power we have to treat others with respect.

Eighth Grade:  Students had a workshop on mental health and how they can get help for themselves or friends when they are concerned.

Our Community Is Definitely Confronting Substance Use And Addiction

 This past week our 8th graders had a workshop from CCSA- Communities Confronting Substance Use and Addiction, as part of their “Senior Seminar” end of year programming- preparing for life after Yavneh.  CCSA was founded in 2018, by Lianne and Etiel Forman formerly of Teaneck, due to a struggle that their own daughter had with substance use.  Yavneh was proudly the first middle school to bring their programming into our school. They are now regularly presenting in middle schools all across the country.  

I was thinking about how far we have come. About 28 years ago, when I was working in a yeshiva high school, the principals of local BJE high schools joined together to discuss the substance abuse problem in our yeshiva high schools.  They decided that no school could do substance abuse programming alone, as no one wants to be identified as the “drug school.”  So, they agreed that their guidance staff would meet together to create a substance abuse awareness week in all of our schools at the same time.  These schools were in Long Island, Brooklyn, Manhattan, New Jersey.  We, as guidance staff, met together and created workshops and programs for students and parents, and were proud of this initiative.  

This was just the beginning.  As the years progressed high schools implemented social/emotional curricula- including substance abuse workshops and programs.  (As colleagues, we then decided that sharing resources as mental health professionals in schools was so vital that we would form a group we called the Yeshiva Counseling Network.  We still do meet to share ideas, resources and training).  Even in our 8th grade we do a substance abuse unit with our students.  

In 2008, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a specialist in addiction, wrote, “We live in a society that is awash in drug use. Drugs are everywhere- even in Torah institutions...Children from the best families may use drugs.” 

At that time, (in 2008), our Yeshiva Counseling Network guidance group joined forces with the Orthodox Union to form a Safe Schools pact to assert the importance of creating and maintaining a substance free environment through proactive student education, parent education and partnership, and  appropriate responses to substance use.  This was spurred on by an incident at the time where police raided a party of Orthodox Jewish teens hosted by an 18 year old student where there was drug and alcohol use. 42 teens were arrested, some as young as 14.  At the time, 30 yeshivot, (including the school where I worked), signed on to this pact. Education and prevention meant proactive programming.  To appropriately respond to substance use, the pact stated that when there is concern about a child’s use, they will be evaluated by a certified substance abuse counselor. If intervention or treatment is recommended, as long as the child and the parents agree to abide by the entire plan, the child will “remain in good standing throughout the process.”  This contract was sent home with the tuition contract and no student is allowed to register or attend school without the signatures of the parent and child. We also created the role we called the “Faculty Point Person” who would be contacted if there is a concern about a child when it comes to substance use and who oversees the screening.  This protects the confidentiality of the child.  The pact also discussed random drug testing.  

The Safe Home directives were also part of this agreement. It involved supervision at home and not sending a child to a party or get-together without adult supervision. Parents were asked to notify the parents of a child who arrives intoxicated or brings alcohol or any other illegal substances to a party.  (Safe shuls was part of the OU initiative where parents were asked to eliminate the shul kiddush clubs). 

How far we have come! 

As I sat in the CCSA session last week, it brought to mind a workshop that was led by CCSA along with Rabbi Larry Rothwachs, about 8 years ago. 

Some important topics that were discussed: 

1. The stigma is intense. One speaker told a story of a woman who was an addict who said that she wouldn’t go to treatment due to the impact the stigma would have on her family.  When the response to her in the intervention meeting was that she might die, she responded she’d rather die and have no stigma affect her family.  That is why the Forman’s bravery was so impactful. They single- handedly minimized the stigma.  

2. Addiction is an illness,  and you need to figure out where the pain is coming from.  Many addicts are self- medicating to dull pain- whether anxiety, depression stemming from bullying, never succeeding in school, trauma etc. Our children need our attention- undivided time to truly listen.  If they are engaged in drugs, they need to know you won’t turn them away. 

3. As Rabbi Rothwachs said, the addict is a victim. He may be a victim of genetics, biochemistry, circumstances- even trauma or abuse.  He may be a victim of the overbearing pressure of our community to perform in all arenas and from being misunderstood.  Perhaps he cannot find success in school or feels on the outs socially. He, therefore,  turns to drugs to escape it all. 

4. A person who engages in drugs is not lacking in ethics, morals and does not have poor self- control.  We are judgemental and are blaming.  Substance abuse is an illness over which many do not have the ability to exert self- control. We as a community need to start being less judgmental.  Addiction is an illness and does not reflect poorly on the parenting of the child nor on the moral and ethical compass of the child.

5. We often think of addiction as proliferating among the young in the “party scene.” But, there are many adults we may actually know who are in throes of addiction or have a history. Rabbi Rothwachs stressed the importance of not pressing other adults to drink.. לִפְנֵי עִוֵּר לֹא תִתֵּן מִכְשֹׁל . Let us not put a stumbling block in front of those who are predisposed to be addicts. We have a shocking degree of tolerance among adults for drinking.  We need to look closer at our own alcohol use. 

6. Addiction to pain medication is more rampant than we imagine.

7. The treatment for drug addiction does involve finding G-d.  Some addicts have religious conflict and have nowhere to go to speak about these issues. 

8. Children who have a hard time expressing their hardships are more prone to turn to substances.  Talk to your children.  Hear what’s on their minds. Love them even when they are going through this tough time. 

9. The college years, when the children leave their homes and they have more freedom, is often the time when those at-risk begin to abuse. 

10. Vaping has become more common. Children need to learn about the danger.

One question I presented to the students last week was, “Why do you think we are talking about this in 8th grade? You are probably thinking- this is a high school topic?!”

In the Jewish Standard article before that event, Elana Forman (Lianne and Etiel’s daughter) said, “Basically I was a child like anyone else.  And, then, right before high school, I started feeling that I wasn’t like my peers.  I felt lonely and misunderstood.  And my solution, the way I found to cope with these feelings, was alcohol.  I started drinking when I was about 13. I took it from my parents’ liquor cabinet, and I associated with my friends who were doing the same things. We all took from our parents, and we had older friends who were able to buy it.” Elana continued to seem fine on the outside, but was not at all. So many things struck me about Elana’s words, but as someone who works with middle school children I thought, “This all began in middle school.”  It was hard to absorb.  

But, even before I read those words, I knew that we cannot wait for high school to make our children aware of  the dangers of substance use. That is why each year we have a substance abuse unit with our 8th graders.  (In addition to the units on resiliency, peer pressure and social/emotional skills our students learn about in Advisory in all grades). Our 8th graders begin to learn about the dangers they might face when it comes to alcohol and other substances. They learn about the physiological harm it can do to your body and to your emotional life, and the impact it has on your family.

One last critical point… In a column I wrote years ago, I shared an article from a 1999 New York Post article where Ms. Danis mentions that there was a school for 14 boys called Torah Academy being founded for struggling boys. These boys could also receive substance abuse counseling in a nearby substance abuse counseling center.  I am not sure of the status of that school. But, as we know,  substance abuse often begins with children struggling with mental health issues. At the time I wrote: .We do NOT have a Jewish therapeutic school for children who cannot make it in mainstream Yeshiva settings due to their emotional needs.  I am waiting for the next night when the community gets together and proclaims that we need a Jewish therapeutic school.  

Thank G-d, that is no longer true. We are so grateful for Sinai who will be starting Adir Academy- the first Jewish therapeutic day school in the United States in the coming year!  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the best way to prepare for finals and how to manage. 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed how they can be upstanders in their personal lives. 

Eighth Grade:  Students learned about the dangerous effects of substance use, They also contemplated how it feels to come to the end of their Yavneh journey  and filled out a survey about their Yavneh experiences.

Shavuot Cleaning...Wrong Holiday?

 As we approach Shavuot, most focus on the hero of the Shavuot story, Moshe Rabbeinu. I would like to focus on Yehoshua, the faithful servant of Moshe who becomes the next leader of the Jewish people. Where was Yehoshua during Kabbalat HaTorah? 

In  Shemot 24:13 it states,

גוַיָּקָם משֶׁה וִיהוֹשֻׁעַ מְשָׁרְתוֹ וַיַּעַל משֶׁה אֶל הַר הָאֱלֹהִים:

 “And Moshe stood up with Yehoshua, his servant, and Moshe ascended to the Mountain of God.” 

But, we know that only Moshe ascended to the top of the mountain. Where was Yehoshua?  Approximately 70 times in his commentary on Tanach Rashi says, “I do not know.” This is one of them.  

Rashi says on this pasuk, "I do not know what the function of Yehoshua is here: I say that he was the student accompanying his teacher until the place of the boundaries on the mountain, because he was not allowed to go further. And from there, Moshe ascended alone to the Mountain of God and Yehoshua set up his tent and stayed there for the whole forty days..." (Rashi, Shemot 24:13)  

But, clearly, Yehoshua was not with the rest of the people, as we know later he did not know of the sin of the golden calf. And, yet, he remained close to Har Sinai. Yehoshua was distinctively assigned an important role that indicated his high spiritual level.  

This placement of Yehoshua fits perfectly with what we know about him elsewhere. One could only imagine the greatness of  the man who merited taking the leadership of the Jewish people after Moshe. And, yet, what do we learn about him? Why was he chosen to lead? In fact, Moshe thought that his own children were to lead after him. But, the midrash in Bamidbar Rabba 21:14 relates that God said that that would not be so, and Yehoshua would lead. Why? 

Bamidbar Rabba 21:14

 יְהוֹשֻׁעַ הַרְבֵּה שֵׁרֶתְךָ וְהַרְבֵּה חָלַק לְךָ כָּבוֹד, וְהוּא הָיָה מַשְׁכִּים וּמַעֲרִיב בְּבֵית הַוַּעַד שֶׁלְּךָ, הוּא הָיָה מְסַדֵּר אֶת הַסַּפְסָלִים, וְהוּא פּוֹרֵס אֶת הַמַּחְצְלָאוֹת, הוֹאִיל וְהוּא שֵׁרֶתְךָ בְּכָל כֹּחוֹ, כְּדַאי הוּא שֶׁיְּשַׁמֵּשׁ אֶת יִשְׂרָאֵל שֶׁאֵינוֹ מְאַבֵּד שְׂכָרוֹ, (במדבר כז, יח): קַח לְךָ אֶת יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בִּן נוּן, לְקַיֵּם מַה שֶּׁנֶּאֱמַר: נֹצֵר תְּאֵנָה יֹאכַל פִּרְיָהּ.

Yehoshua served you much and gave you much honor; and he would come early and leave late your council chamber; he would arrange the benches and roll out the mats - since he served you with all of his strength, he is worthy to tend to Israel, so as to not lose his wage. 'Take Yehoshua the son of Nun,' in order to fulfill, 'He who tends a fig tree will enjoy its fruit.'"

It always struck me that Yehoshua “arranged the benches and rolled out the mats”- sounds like something a custodian should do, not second in command to the leader of the Jewish people!   There was something special about his not leaving the Beit Midrash a mess, but rather organizing it before he left. 

An article I read by Rabbi Ron Yitzchak Eisenman struck me and reminded me of Yehoshua.  He is  rabbi of a shul and he relates a story about a snowstorm in his community. One of the local teachers in a yeshiva decided to meet his class in the shul that day to learn, since school was closed. Rabbi Eisenman had no idea they were in the building, but spotted them on a security camera.  He was enthralled by watching how excited both the rebbe and talmidim were at learning. But, more importantly he shared,

 “I then noticed something, which in some ways was even more incredible than the learning itself.  After the learning finished, I noticed that every boy in the class carefully searched for any wrappers that had fallen and made sure to deposit them in the garbage bin...then pushing every seat back to where it belonged.  He then shut the lights in the ballroom before exiting.”  

What’s so incredible about that? Well, for those of us who parent teens, we know that it is pretty incredible. I recently went to a Yankee game and was embarrassed to see the family sitting next to me whose teens were spitting shells from their sunflower seeds on the floor by their seats. 

I often watch at lunch in school and notice which children pick up food after they accidentally drop it on the floor and which ones keep on going. When I host teens at my home, I always notice those who stay after the meal to clean up, (and I hope mine do that same when visiting others!).

There are many reasons why cleaning up is important to their development. It helps them be more responsible. It helps them appreciate what they have as they realize how much effort it takes to keep the house running.  They learn the value of hard work. 

Wendy Mogel, the famous author of The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee  wrote in her second book The Blessing Of A B-”  in the chapter,  “Why your teen needs to do laundry (and how to make it happen).” She tells the story of her friend’s son, 

 

|When it came time for Fall break during his first year at a top-tier college, my neighbour’s son stuffed two months’ worth of laundry—every piece of clothing he’d worn since arriving at school at the end of August—into three oversized suitcases, paid an excess baggage fee of $150 to check them at the airport, and flew home to his parents’ house.

“What were you thinking?” asked his astonished mother, as Josh deposited a mountain of smelly jeans, T-shirts, sweatshirts and socks in the utility room and made his way to the kitchen.

“Mom,” he said, opening the refrigerator, “how was I supposed to have time for laundry? I was studying…plus, I had all my work at the Jewish students’ centre.”

Josh is a good-hearted, generally responsible young man, not typically in the habit of taking advantage of his mother. But in high school, his parents had sheltered him from chores in exchange for his total devotion to school work and extracurriculars. Now, in college, Josh was positive that this bargain was still in place—that academics and religious involvement gave him a free pass out of laundry duty. In Josh’s mind, he was too gifted to sort his own socks.

Yehoshua knew that he was quite gifted. How could he have not realized when he was Moshe’s right hand man? And, yet, he took the time to tidy up the Beit Midrash.  

We often say that our children have so much homework and activities and we want those to be their priorities so they can excel, but, as Dr. Mogel continues, 

In my experience, chores lead to better school performance because they teach teens how to organize their time and their actions. Chores form a foundation for the rest of life as well. Young adults with household skills know how to carry their own weight. They’re conscious of ways to help without being told or asked. They aren’t crippled by the depressing belief that only the less talented or unexceptional perform the necessary chores of daily life. And because of their skills and willingness to pitch in, they’re considered kind, respectful and appealing.

It must have been that Yehoshua’s parents, (Nun and his mother!), must have had him helping out at home. He, consequently, became a young man who was leadership material, and considered, “kind, respectful and appealing.”  

We think that it must be obvious to our children to clean up at school in the lunchroom, or when they attend a bar mitzvah, or join a sleepover, but they need to be reminded. As parents, we need to reiterate over and over our expectations for them doing so. 

As we accept the עול המצוות - yoke of mitzvot- this Shavuot, we realize that mitzvot may seem like a burden at times, as a yoke does truly weigh on our shoulders.   Yet, we know that it is not a burden, but rather a responsibility which helps us grow and develop.  So, too, our children may see the “yoke” of cleaning up as a burden, but we know this responsibility is essential for their development. Who knows, maybe one day your child will be the next leader of the Jewish people? 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed bullying that happens on devices. 

Seventh Grade; This week, students discussed the bystander effect and why people often do nothing when they see someone in trouble.

Eighth Grade: Our 8th graders spent time writing “compliments” about each other, after learning about the power of those compliments. Those compliments will be consolidated into a tribute paragraph for each child that they will receive on a label in the sefer they receive at the 8th grade dinner. 

Mitzvah Notes For Mothers!

     Happy Mother’s Day!  Some years ago I picked up a free Jewish magazine that arrived at my home and the moment I saw this article I knew it would be in a Mother’s Day column.  It was called, “Mommy Mitzvah Notes” by Risa Rotman. Yes. We are used to writing “mitzvah notes” for our children to their teachers. (Just to add- your children are never too old for those “mitzvah notes.” If your child says a beautiful Dvar Torah at the table that he learned in school, take the time to send a “mitzvah note” email to the teacher- saying how proud you were of him. Or if your child comes home excited to share what she learned in science, take a monet to send a “mitzvah note” to the teacher. It will make both your child and the teacher feel a sense of pride and satisfaction).

     But, these mitzvah notes are ones that you earned as a parent (fathers earn them too!).  I know these mitzvah notes written below to the  “Morah of all Mommies” will make you smile! 

Dear Morah of All Mommies,

Mommy took out the last chocolate bar after cleaning up the entire kitchen.  Just before taking a bite, little Yossi asked for some too. Mommy shared even though it was hard for her.  

To The Morah Of All Mommies,

Mommy stayed calm when Cheryl had another temper tantrum. Mommy explained to Cheryl why she couldn’t take her to her cousin’s birthday party on the other side of the city, and when Cheryl continued to kvetch, Mommy ignored her and the tantrum finished quickly.

To The Morah Of All Mommies, 

Mommy’s friend asked why they didn’t see a different friend in the park anymore.  Mommy knew why but changed the subject so that she wouldn’t have to speak Lashon Hara.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

Today Mommy’s neighbor got very angry at Mommy because she thought Mommy’s children had created a big mess in the common area.  Mommy knew her kids didn’t make the mess, because they had been at the shoe store with her.   But Mommy stood quietly while the neighbor shouted and didn’t interrupt. What an amazing Mommy! 

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

Mommy bought some things in the grocery store. She was rushing home in the rain when she realized the cashier had given her too much change.  Mommy ran back to the grocery store to return the money even though the rain was beginning to get stronger.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies, 

Mommy went to the PTA get-together where she saw many of her friends. She was enjoying chatting with them when she noticed a lady sitting by herself. After a few minutes of schmoozing with her friends, Mommy went over to sit with the lonely lady. Kol hakavod to Mommy! 

To The Morah Of All Mommies, 

Mommy was waiting patiently at the supermarket when someone pushed her very full wagon in front of her claiming that she’d been there before and just went to find a missing item. Mommy looked at the angry woman, and decided it was not worth arguing, and let her go in front of Mommy. 

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

Mommy was about to rush through her morning brachot when she decided to say them out loud, concentrating on their meaning, word by word.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

Mommy had a very bad cold this week, yet she managed to make sure everyone had clean clothes and some kind of normal meal.  

As Risa Rotman notes,  (pun intended), “Mommies are all superwomen, but does that mean we don’t do the little things that deserve mitzvah notes? Sure we do!”   There is nothing like the feeling of knowing that the little things you do are noticed and appreciated.  Our children, spouses, bosses, family, or co-workers don’t often write “mitzvah notes” for us.  So, we may need to write those mitzvah notes for ourselves.

In Advisory we speak to our 7th graders about the power of positive and negative self- talk.  One type of “Positive self- talk” is actually complimenting yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “You are amazing!”  There is a body image curriculum of which I use a piece with the 7th grade girls called “Full of Yourself.” The normal connotation is to be egotistical and self- centered. But, when I frame it with the girls we discuss

- Liking yourself is not the same as being selfish

- Respecting yourself is not the same as being stuck-up

- Standing up for yourself is not the same as being pushy.

- Taking yourself seriously does not mean that you are too intense

- Telling the truth does not mean that you're too loud or that you talk too much

- Being in touch with your heart is not the same as being too emotional. 

The first two items speak to the importance of the fact that you have permission to compliment yourself and to build yourself up. We need to stop being self- critical and focus on our strengths. As Kierea Miller says in her article, “Compliment Yourself!” “It’s time to stop comparing or complaining, and start complimenting.”  As we discuss in Advisory, what we tell ourselves affects how we feel about ourselves. We need to remind ourselves each day about all the things that make us special, or about feats we have achieved!  This type of self- talk is called affirmations.  It is so easy to focus on what we are not good at. We need to focus on what makes us incredible. 

Affirmations are most powerful when you say them out loud and even look in the mirror while doing so.  “I am a wonderful mother!” “I am patient!” “I am beautiful!”  Or perhaps we should write ourselves mitzvah notes and hang them up on our fridge, so that when we face each day we remember that every day should truly be Mother’s Day. 

 And, of course,  the most important lesson from these Mommy mitzvah notes is that we should take the time to reach out to our own mothers- not only on Mother’s day,  and make it clear to them that we notice all that they do for us! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students continued on the Social Exclusion unit and discussed the qualities of standing up to bullying and being B.R.A.V.E. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the importance of being upstanders and how to apply that to standing up for Israel. 

Eighth Grade: Eighth graders continued their substance abuse unit with a discussion about the dangers of alcohol.