Tu B'Shevat Parenting

  As we celebrate Tu B’shevat one might wonder how this day applies to us non-farmers and those not living in an agricultural society.  Yet, according to Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe’s book on parenting and חינוך called זריעה ובנין בחינוך Planting and Building in Education- planting is an integral part in raising our children. So, in essence, as parents we are all farmers.  

A child needs both planting and building. Planting is fostering what is found inside the child. “A child’s growth needs attentive care, like the growth of a tree or a grain. Special emphasis needs to be placed on the organic process.  If we want something particular to sprout  we must be careful to plant precisely what we want, and afterward the seeds will sprout from themselves as a natural process.

On the other hand, there is construction.  We must build a mensch. It is impossible to depend on sprouting alone.

If I build the child and help him acquire maalot (positive quality traits), but I don’t relate to his כח הצמיחה- his power to grow, then his כח הצמיחה will slowly wither and the child will be a robot. He will probably do what he is told, but he won’t possess any internal vitality.  When the child matures he will continue to do what he must, but he won’t possess individual initiative, since initiative flows from כח הצמיחה, and the כח הצמיחה long ago withered away and rotted.  All that is left is a human robot.”

And, so, continues Rav  Wolbe, we need to both help a child sprout and grow so that he will develop his inner self, but with some structured building so he will not be a “wild person.” 

There are many ways a child is like a tree.  There are particular times for planting. If we plant too early, before the land is fertile, then nothing will grow. If we plant too late, nothing will sprout. 

As parents, we need to ascertain a child’s ability and match our expectations to their ability. This ability might change as they get older or might be an integral part of who they are.  

 In Mishlei 22:6 It states: 

חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֭נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ

Educate a child according to his way. 

Before we educate a child we need to ascertain HIS WAY.  Rav Wolbe discusses how we know a banana plant has needs different from an apple tree.  If we care for a banana plant like an apple tree, it will not grow. Likewise if we raise our child in a way that is not right for him, then he will not grow.  Or perhaps the child will do what we tell him to do despite it being against his nature for now.. But as he grows he will abandon that way.   

I recently read an article by Tony Redfern called Raising Trees and Children . He spoke about something called a Cinch Tie which he used in growing a tree in his backyard.   The cinch tie was described as “ "Cinch-Tie - Strong Support for Young Trees." 

These were the instructions on the label:  

"Young trees need support, not restraint,   in order to grow large trucks and wide canopies. Some wind movement  is needed to stimulate caliper and strong root growth. This is why it is important that the tight nursery tape and restraining stick be removed when the tree is ready to plant."

The balance between support  and stimulating growth. This is the balance between  זריעה  - planting/growth and בנין - support/structure.  

Every child needs structure, but also “wind movement” and the ability to be whom he is meant to be- to grow according to the type of tree he is. 

But, what if we put all our sweat and tears into “growing” and “building” our child and yet he/she seems to be struggling despite all of our efforts? Rabbi Lawrence Keleman, in his book To Kindle A Soul reminds us that the planting process can be slow. He uses the example of the Chinese bamboo tree. A person can plant bamboo seed, water it, fertilize it for almost five years and nothing happens. Then in the fifth year, the bamboo tree grows and can shoot up to almost 96 feet.  If the person would have stopped watering and fertilizing it after year one, when it saw no growth yet, the tree would have died. It took five years of care for the tree to grow.  During those five years “deep roots are forming below the surface to support the large tree.”  For those of us putting more than our all into our children, and not yet seeing the progress we had hoped for, we need to recall the bamboo tree, and that all our efforts are making an impact, and eventually we will see growth. 

So, as parents, it may not be easy, but  let’s all put on our overalls and straw hats and start “growing” our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students discussed “classroom etiquette.” 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed the skills of resilience and what mindset is needed for perseverance. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed how they and their parents could better understand each other without having to switch bodies (like in the movie Freaky Friday). 

What's In A Name?

This past week I had the privilege of being asked to give a shiur to the students who are learning Shnayim Mikrah as an introduction to Sefer Shemot. (Thank you, Mr. Rossman).  I decided to share some ideas based on a presentation by Rabbi David Fohrman. Rabbi Fohrman wonders why is this book called Shemot “Names” and what does it tell us about the nature of the purpose of the sefer?  And, the question is even greater when you see that in English/Latin it is called “Exodus” - which is a pretty good summary of the main theme of the book. Why don’t we call it “Yetziat Mitzrayim”? 

Yes, we know that the literal answer is that the sefer begins with the words וְאֵ֗לֶּה שְׁמוֹת֙ בְּנֵ֣י יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל הַבָּאִ֖ים מִצְרָ֑יְמָה- “These are the names of the sons of Israel who came to Egypt…” so that is the simplistic reason.  The answer is found by looking at the first Rashi 1:1:

ואלה שמות בני ישראל. אַעַ"פִּ שֶׁמְּנָאָן בְּחַיֵּיהֶם בִּשְׁמוֹתָם, חָזַר וּמְנָאָם בְּמִיתָתָם, לְהוֹדִיעַ חִבָּתָם, שֶׁנִּמְשְׁלוּ לְכוֹכָבִים, שֶׁמּוֹצִיאָם וּמַכְנִיסָם בְּמִסְפַּר וּבִשְׁמוֹתָם (שמות רבה), שֶׁנֶּ' "הַמּוֹצִיא בְמִסְפָּר צְבָאָם לְכֻלָּם בְּשֵׁם יִקְרָא" (ישעיהו מ'):

NOW THESE ARE THE NAMES OF THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL — Although scripture has already enumerated them by name whilst they were living, when they went down into Egypt (Genesis 46:8-27), it again enumerates them when it tells us of their death, thus showing how dear they were to God — that they are compared to the stars which also God brings out and brings in by number and name when they cease to shine, as it is said, (Isaiah 40:26) “He bringeth out their host by number, He calleth them all by name” (Exodus Rabbah 1:3; Tanchuma Yashan 1:1:2).

Rashi  says that the list of their names is repeated, even though it was already mentioned at the end of Sefer Bereishit, to show us how much Hashem loves the Jewish people- how dear they were to Him. He counts them one by one, by name, as He does the stars.  

What does counting have to do with naming?  The Midrash sees that naming and counting (the stars and Bnai Yisrael) is a sign of affection. Rabbi Fohrman uses a parable: The teacher who has a huge class, but remembers each student’s name, knows when somebody is absent, even that shy kid in the back of the classroom – that’s amazing. There’s a teacher who really cares. God cares about the stars. He puts them all out individually at night, and tucks each one back to sleep in the morning. And so he will relate to us…

The book of Shemot is about the slavery, and one might think that it is an indication that Hashem does not care about the Jewish people. But, in essence it is a fulfillment of the promise to Avraham, that they will be many, they will be enslaved, but Hashem will save them and take care of them.  I think calling the book “Names”... Through it all (the enslavement), G-d knows our names. He cares about each and every one of us, in all of our pain, in all of our anguish. For we are, after all, like stars, indeed.” 

What a beautiful introduction to the sefer. But, as an educator, I was of course drawn to Rabbi Fohrman’s comparison to the teacher with a huge class who remembers and calls each student by name.  Every student feels cared for. 

Naming each person is important. But, it is not only about the naming of the person. It is about making every person feel noticed. Ever since I was a child I was trained by my parents to say “Hello” to everyone I meet in the street, in stores, in an elevator, or a “Good Shabbos” in the streets on a Shabbos day. It does not matter if you know the person’s name or not. It feels good to feel noticed. 

And, at Yavneh, we try to encourage the students and teachers to implement this strategy. Those of us who were at the dinner last night noticed in the video the daily cheerful greeting by Rabbi Knapp and other administrators as students enter the school each morning.  Those moments were not staged for the videographer. They truly happen each day. 

I recently read an article by Rachel Cannon “Inclusion Starts In The Hallway.”  Greeting everyone in the hallway is a daily reminder to people that they matter.  She calls it “investing in micro-moments- these small acts of connection, of presence of seeing someone for who they are…  Micro-interactions are those brief moments in passing when you take a second to truly acknowledge someone. These interactions may seem small, but they’re doing important work behind the scenes. Our brains are constantly scanning for signs of safety or danger—what neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges refers to as “neuroception.” A smile, eye contact, a warm greeting—all of these send a simple yet powerful message: you’re safe here; you belong here.

When someone feels seen and valued, their brain releases oxytocin, a hormone connected to trust and bonding. That feeling of connection opens people up—to learning, to relationships, to fully engaging in a community. But when someone is ignored, excluded, or overlooked—even unintentionally—it activates the same part of the brain that processes physical pain. It hurts.” It is in those “in-between” moments that we create connection.

 In a study by Dr. Gillian Sandstrom she noted that people who had more conversations with “weak ties” (casual “hellos” with people they don’t know in the street, for example) were happier than those who had less of those interactions. And, on the days they had more of those interactions they were happier than on the days they had less of those.  She did another study where some of the subjects were asked to chat with the barista (whom they did not know) at a coffee shop while waiting for coffee, and some were told not to interact.  Those who did interact reported being in a better mood and had a greater sense of belonging.  So, not only does the person who is greeted feel happier, but the “greeter” does as well.  She quotes another research study that people who greeted others on public transportation felt happier about their ride. So, making everyone feel noticed is good for the noticer and for the noticed! 

Kelly Owens, in her article, “Kids Learn More When We Invite Them In”  tells a story that she used to greet all the children in the hallway in her school- most of whom she did not know by name. After two years of doing so, one day a student she did not know stopped by her classroom to say she was moving and switching schools and handed her a note. The note said, “Thank you for the comments you gave to me each day.”

And, so as parents, let us model for and teach our children to say “Good Shabbos” in the streets to even those we do not know, and “Hello” to the custodian, and “Have a good day” to the receptionist at the doctor’s office. And, as Hashem modelled for us,  we, at Yavneh Academy, will continue greeting our students, by name, showing them how much we care for them.  

(I am going to add a piece here, which I know that Mrs. Rubin, in her humility, will not want me to discuss at length. But, those of us who were at the dinner last night, and have been privileged to work with Mrs. Rubin for the past 19 years, know that Mrs. Rubin is truly an expert in making every child feel noticed. She treats each child with the respect due to an adult, hears them, and listens to them, making each one feel important. Our students have been so blessed to have Mrs. Rubin as their number one cheerleader who connects with and notices each student on a daily basis). 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students had their mock bar/bat mitzvah event where they were able to implement what they learned about bar/bat mitzvah etiquette in Advisory. They began discussing what behaviors in class are beneficial for them. 

Seventh Grade:  Students began a new unit “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity In Life” and heard a presentation by Rabbi Yitzy Haber who discussed the coping strategies he utilized when facing illness as a middle school student. 

Eighth Grade: Students began discussing their changing (positive!) relationship with parents in this stage of life. 

 

Stop The Gossip

 

In the thirty years I have worked with teens I can tell you that gossip is truly THE issue that tears apart friendships, hurts self-esteem and makes children feel as if they have no friends or do not want to come to school. And, in those years it has gotten worse and worse.  And, each day I wake up in the morning with the gratitude that at least we are Jewish and we can teach our students about not speaking lashon hara- it is ingrained in them. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if they did not at least have that sensitivity. 

We all know the impact of spreading rumors and gossip (even when it is true!). And, it is not acceptable to say it’s a normal part of teenage life. Sherri Gordon, in her article “Understanding The Impact of Spreading Rumors and Gossip” reminds us that “gossip and rumors can destroy a person’s self-confidence and self-esteem. It also can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, anxiety, and a host of other issues.” It can alienate friends, ruin reputations, and lead to relational aggression. Studies have shown that those who gossip have less empathy. And, of course, gossiping leads to cyberbullying.

Gordon discusses: Why do children spread gossip? 

1. To feel better about themselves. When they target others it makes them feel better about themselves.

2. To feel accepted- If everyone is doing it they want to feel a part of things. 

3. To get attention- The person who shares a piece of information that others don’t know becomes the center of attention. 

4. To gain power- When someone is envious of another, spreading rumors about that person lowers their status and raises the gossiper’s.

5. To take revenge- To hurt someone who has hurt him, a child will gossip about him.

6. To relieve boredom- Life is boring without drama! 

I came across an article about rumors written by some teenagers in Leesville Road High School. I couldn’t have said it better myself: “A study conducted by Word Effect found that gossip and rumors can have detrimental effects on individuals. “48% of people who hear gossip about someone form a new, negative opinion about that person,” even if that received information is not true…Rumors manipulate people into taking sides, casting improper views on others and bringing negative energy to future situations. Relationships can be ruined before they begin.”

And, let’s not forget with the advent of social media it is now never ending, and anonymous! As Kay Snowden points out in her article “Group Chats and Gossip Loops:What Parents Don’t Know About Teen Friend Drama,” before children had devices, “friend conflict had natural pauses: you’d go home, eat dinner, sleep and go hours without talking.” Now it is all immediate and at warp speed. Digital communication “amplifies peer experiences” - for good and for bad, according to the CDC. 

And, online misunderstandings are common. Something meant as a joke is taken as an insult. Someone posts something private to one friend, and then it is spread among the group. “Because everything is documented, replayed, forwarded and interpreted by multiple people at once, the ‘story’ grows bigger than the original issue.” And, because everything happens on-line, the parents don’t notice it until the teen is terribly upset. The pain teens feel online “their brains process it similarly to physical pain.” 

Aharon Hersh Fried and Chaim E. Fried, in their article, “The Impact of Technology on the Religious Personality” speak about how as Jews we all know about not speaking or spreading lashon hara. But somehow with technology we accept lashon hara as appropriate. Even in the time of the Chofetz Chaim he noted that there were anonymous posters defaming individuals. The anonymous quality of technology makes it worse today. 

What is the best way to stop gossip? To not spread it yourself. It is our job as the adults in their lives to remind our children over and over.  Of course, first by modeling and showing them that we don’t gossip and talk about others. Remind them that, as Hillel said in Shabbat 31a אָמַר לוֹ: דַּעֲלָךְ סְנֵי לְחַבְרָךְ לָא תַּעֲבֵיד — זוֹ הִיא כׇּל הַתּוֹרָה כּוּלָּהּ-Hillel… said to him: That which is hateful to you do not do to another; that is the entire Torah” - Treat others the way you would want to be treated. If you don’t want to be gossiped about, then don’t gossip about others. 

Let us work at removing gossip from our dinner table routine. Let them see us avoid using the names of people when we tell stories. And, let us raise them to be part of the solution. If someone tries to gossip with them about another, they can break the cycle and tell the friend to stop, and most definitely not pass it on. And, if he/she is targeted, rise above and do not continue the cycle.  Trust me- it is for their own benefit. There is so much suffering that they can avoid by avoiding gossip. 

In the past few weeks we have been reading of the story of Yoseph and his brothers  In Bereishit 37:2, at the start of the story, it says: וַיָּבֵ֥א יוֹסֵ֛ף אֶת־דִּבָּתָ֥ם רָעָ֖ה אֶל־אֲבִיהֶֽם׃- “And Joseph brought bad reports of them to their father.” In some ways lashon hara, gossip, was at the root of the terrible tragedy that would face this family in the years to come.  Gossip is NEVER good. It is up to us, the adults, to help our children end the gossip. 

Advisory Update: (Due to early dismissals and days off, very few Advisory classes met last week). 

Sixth Grade: Students are still working on their proper manners unit.

Seventh Grade: Students wrapped up their Empathy unit with discussing what they would do in real life in certain situations.

Eighth Grade-  Students discussed what they can do to stand up to anti-Semitism today. 

Parents As Mirrors

  “Mirror, mirror on the wall…” are words famously familiar from the fairy tale of Snow White.  However, a mirror is also an allusion to an essential parenting insight that I came across in my Shabbat reading. 

I read an article over Shabbat from TLC Talks, based on a podcast called The Learning Curve which discusses different educational and parenting issues. The question submitted was, “How can I help my daughter have a stronger sense of self-esteem? She struggles academically, and she doesn’t seem to have any special talents.  We love her dearly, but she sees herself so negatively- and in her eyes, the ‘facts’ back her up.” 

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld responds, “Not everyone will be an A-plus student. Not everyone will be the leader in the school play or the one picked to be head of GO…It is our job as the adults in their lives to get them to appreciate themselves and what they have to offer the world.  Every child, every person, has to believe that he matters." And, so he continues that more important than how she sees herself is, “When she looks at you, what does she see? Does she see a father and a mother who adore her and think the world of her?” 

He then went on to quote something from last week’s parasha, said by Rabbi Elya Svei. When Yoseph was tempted by the wife of Potiphar, Rashi quotes a Gemara in Sotah 36b. (There are so many layers regarding parenting from this Gemara that I have quoted before in this column), 

״וַתִּתְפְּשֵׂהוּ בְּבִגְדוֹ לֵאמֹר וְגוֹ׳״, בְּאוֹתָהּ שָׁעָה בָּאתָה דְּיוֹקְנוֹ שֶׁל אָבִיו וְנִרְאֲתָה לוֹ בַּחַלּוֹן

The verse states: “And she caught him by his garment, saying… (Genesis 39:12). At that moment his father’s image came and appeared to him in the window.

We normally interpret this as Yoseph seeing the image of his father gave him the strength to resist temptation- as if his father was speaking to him. Rav Elya says that in the mishna the word חלון often means a mirror and the Gemara can be read differently.  Yoseph HaTzaddik looked in the mirror and he didn’t see his father. He saw  דְּיוֹקְנוֹ,שֶׁל אָבִיו (note the comma he puts in, in red). He saw דְּיוֹקְנוֹ- himself (his own image), but not the way he perceived himself. “It was שֶׁל אָבִיו- he saw himself the way his father Yaakov viewed him. He was able to see the high esteem  in which Yaakov saw his son. It was a whole new vista into Yosef’s own self-worth that he never felt or appreciated. And, that allowed him to remain Yosef HaTzaddik.” 

And, so the question is when your child comes home from school and perhaps didn’t succeed the way he/she would have wanted, and she looks at you, i.e. sees herself in your mirror, what does she see? 

As Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield adds similarly in his response to this question of the parent, “... a parent serves as the mirror through which a child sees who she is and what her greatness is. A child cannot identify that greatness on her own, she simply lacks the perspective.  And if parents do not actively, see, articulate, and celebrate a child’s strengths, the child will naturally assume those strengths do not exist.” 

Especially for children who struggle in school it is imperative that we as parents help them discover and celebrate their other strengths. “As the narrow measure of school does not define her worth.” A parent needs to reflect a child’s strengths back to her over and over until the child begins to believe it. 

I came across a short video by ”Dr. Becky” Kennedy that says it all: “We can’t expect our child to change if we, the parents, are reinforcing the very behaviors we are trying to help a child move away from. So ask yourself, ‘When my child is in a difficult stage, do I reflect back to them the part of them that is engaging in those behaviors? Or do I reflect back a different version? Here’s an example: Your child is in a stage where they’re having a really hard time sharing with their siblings.  Do you go in and say, ‘Hey, your sister and brother always share with you! What is wrong with you? You can be so selfish!” Or, ‘You have as much generosity in you as anyone else in the family, I want you to know that.’ We are our child’s mirror, we have to reflect back to them the good inside them, so they can bring that good out.” 

There are so many ways in which our children “mirror” us as their parents. Dr. Lisa Firestone, in her article “Your Child’s Self-esteem Start With You” notes how our children are extremely “attuned” to us. And, “Every reaction we express (consciously and unconsciously) is absorbed by them, helping them shape their view of the world and themselves.”  She then continues to discuss a theory by her father, Dr. Robert Firestone called the “Self-system.”  This self-system is the unique make-up of each individual, some of which is inherent and some is “informed by a harmonious identification with and incorporation of a parent’s positive attitudes and traits.” So, if parents feel good about themselves, they are more likely able to pass this positive sense of self over to their children to have as well. And, the opposite is true as well. 

When parents feel negatively towards themselves, they can pass that on to their children leading to negative self- esteem. As an example, she notes that you might never call your child “stupid,” but if he is constantly hearing you call yourself “stupid,” we need not wonder from where they got that idea. And thus what she calls the “Anti-self system” or the “critical inner voice” develops. The critical inner voice is like an “internalized parent” that “reminds them of their flaws…instructing them about how to perceive the world.” 

This concept of parents being the mirror for their children reminds me of the famous poem by Dr. Dorothy Law Nolte, “Children Learn What They Live”

Dr. Eli Leibowitz, in the article “The Parent As A Mirror- Our Reactions And Childhood Anxiety” by Dr. Aliza Pressman, notes that parents are like a mirror when it  comes particularly to anxiety, 

“Parents are a mirror that children look into, and they see who they are. All of your reactions to them are the reflection that they are seeing. That is who they know that they are. If your child believes that you see them as a helpless, weak, vulnerable child who can't handle stress, who falls apart, who can't deal with difficulty - that is what they start to believe about themselves. But, if they see that you see a child who actually has strength, who has resilience, who can cope with things, that also will affect how they feel about themselves.” 

Our reactions to a child’s anxiety can affect his/her ability to cope. If as parents we react with alarm, helplessness or that she cannot cope, the child will internalize those messages. As Dr. Pressman notes that ironically: 

If we respond like there is an emergency, we signal that there actually is one. When we treat our children like they lack the skills they need by taking over, fixing, or accommodating, they may come to believe that they are indeed weak, vulnerable, and unable to manage stress. Research shows that this can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to increased anxiety and avoidance. The very nature we use to protect can turn against us! Even as we do more and more to bend backwards and support our kids, we find ourselves facing down more and more anxiety.

Rather, as Dr. Leibowitz adds, we should communicate with our children that we get what they are going through, and that they can handle the feeling and get through it.  As parents we need to relay a “mix of validation, sensitivity, empathy and a confidence in their ability to cope…This positive reflection fosters a sense of self-efficacy empowering the child to face their anxiety with greater courage.” If we relay the message that their anxiety is an illness or a disease that they have to fear– that it’s a crisis and we will do anything we can to calm them, it may make the anxiety worse and express to them that it is not okay to be anxious. We need to make an effort to reflect back images of strength, resilience and capability, so that our children have the confidence to face life’s challenges. And, the more we try to solve their problems for them, the less capable they believe they are.

Dr. Pressman shares the following steps:

1. Make the feelings ok, instead of making the situation ok. -Normalize their emotions instead of making it an emergency

2. Offer support without taking over. Remind them that they are not alone, and that you are there to support them. “I will be right here while you do it,” or “I will be here to talk about it tonight and hear what happened.” 

3. Express confidence in their abilities. The mirror concept, “projecting confidence allows your child to “borrow” some of your faith in them to build their own. You may need to pretend to have confidence (especially if you’re anxious too), but that is OK. “I know you can do this,” or “You’ve done hard things before and you always get through it,” can be a great place to start. Reminding your children about times when they have successfully overcome challenges can help them be willing to take risks again” 

4. Model healthy coping mechanisms.”Show them how you manage your own stress and anxiety, and project that same confidence in their abilities. Model that living with and overcoming anxiety is possible, takes practice, and builds resilience.”

As parents, let us spend our days being the mirror to our children of strength and ability, and hopefully, even when they are far away from us, as Yoseph was from his father, they will take with them that strength and confidence. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began discussing “student etiquette”- student- appropriate behaviors for success in school. 

Seventh Grade:  Students debriefed their experience at the homeless shelter and how they can apply the way they treat the homeless to their day to day lives.

Eighth Grade:  No Advisory this week due to days off and programming.