Our Community Is Definitely Confronting Substance Use And Addiction

 This past week our 8th graders had a workshop from CCSA- Communities Confronting Substance Use and Addiction, as part of their “Senior Seminar” end of year programming- preparing for life after Yavneh.  CCSA was founded in 2018, by Lianne and Etiel Forman formerly of Teaneck, due to a struggle that their own daughter had with substance use.  Yavneh was proudly the first middle school to bring their programming into our school. They are now regularly presenting in middle schools all across the country.  

I was thinking about how far we have come. About 28 years ago, when I was working in a yeshiva high school, the principals of local BJE high schools joined together to discuss the substance abuse problem in our yeshiva high schools.  They decided that no school could do substance abuse programming alone, as no one wants to be identified as the “drug school.”  So, they agreed that their guidance staff would meet together to create a substance abuse awareness week in all of our schools at the same time.  These schools were in Long Island, Brooklyn, Manhattan, New Jersey.  We, as guidance staff, met together and created workshops and programs for students and parents, and were proud of this initiative.  

This was just the beginning.  As the years progressed high schools implemented social/emotional curricula- including substance abuse workshops and programs.  (As colleagues, we then decided that sharing resources as mental health professionals in schools was so vital that we would form a group we called the Yeshiva Counseling Network.  We still do meet to share ideas, resources and training).  Even in our 8th grade we do a substance abuse unit with our students.  

In 2008, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a specialist in addiction, wrote, “We live in a society that is awash in drug use. Drugs are everywhere- even in Torah institutions...Children from the best families may use drugs.” 

At that time, (in 2008), our Yeshiva Counseling Network guidance group joined forces with the Orthodox Union to form a Safe Schools pact to assert the importance of creating and maintaining a substance free environment through proactive student education, parent education and partnership, and  appropriate responses to substance use.  This was spurred on by an incident at the time where police raided a party of Orthodox Jewish teens hosted by an 18 year old student where there was drug and alcohol use. 42 teens were arrested, some as young as 14.  At the time, 30 yeshivot, (including the school where I worked), signed on to this pact. Education and prevention meant proactive programming.  To appropriately respond to substance use, the pact stated that when there is concern about a child’s use, they will be evaluated by a certified substance abuse counselor. If intervention or treatment is recommended, as long as the child and the parents agree to abide by the entire plan, the child will “remain in good standing throughout the process.”  This contract was sent home with the tuition contract and no student is allowed to register or attend school without the signatures of the parent and child. We also created the role we called the “Faculty Point Person” who would be contacted if there is a concern about a child when it comes to substance use and who oversees the screening.  This protects the confidentiality of the child.  The pact also discussed random drug testing.  

The Safe Home directives were also part of this agreement. It involved supervision at home and not sending a child to a party or get-together without adult supervision. Parents were asked to notify the parents of a child who arrives intoxicated or brings alcohol or any other illegal substances to a party.  (Safe shuls was part of the OU initiative where parents were asked to eliminate the shul kiddush clubs). 

How far we have come! 

As I sat in the CCSA session last week, it brought to mind a workshop that was led by CCSA along with Rabbi Larry Rothwachs, about 8 years ago. 

Some important topics that were discussed: 

1. The stigma is intense. One speaker told a story of a woman who was an addict who said that she wouldn’t go to treatment due to the impact the stigma would have on her family.  When the response to her in the intervention meeting was that she might die, she responded she’d rather die and have no stigma affect her family.  That is why the Forman’s bravery was so impactful. They single- handedly minimized the stigma.  

2. Addiction is an illness,  and you need to figure out where the pain is coming from.  Many addicts are self- medicating to dull pain- whether anxiety, depression stemming from bullying, never succeeding in school, trauma etc. Our children need our attention- undivided time to truly listen.  If they are engaged in drugs, they need to know you won’t turn them away. 

3. As Rabbi Rothwachs said, the addict is a victim. He may be a victim of genetics, biochemistry, circumstances- even trauma or abuse.  He may be a victim of the overbearing pressure of our community to perform in all arenas and from being misunderstood.  Perhaps he cannot find success in school or feels on the outs socially. He, therefore,  turns to drugs to escape it all. 

4. A person who engages in drugs is not lacking in ethics, morals and does not have poor self- control.  We are judgemental and are blaming.  Substance abuse is an illness over which many do not have the ability to exert self- control. We as a community need to start being less judgmental.  Addiction is an illness and does not reflect poorly on the parenting of the child nor on the moral and ethical compass of the child.

5. We often think of addiction as proliferating among the young in the “party scene.” But, there are many adults we may actually know who are in throes of addiction or have a history. Rabbi Rothwachs stressed the importance of not pressing other adults to drink.. לִפְנֵי עִוֵּר לֹא תִתֵּן מִכְשֹׁל . Let us not put a stumbling block in front of those who are predisposed to be addicts. We have a shocking degree of tolerance among adults for drinking.  We need to look closer at our own alcohol use. 

6. Addiction to pain medication is more rampant than we imagine.

7. The treatment for drug addiction does involve finding G-d.  Some addicts have religious conflict and have nowhere to go to speak about these issues. 

8. Children who have a hard time expressing their hardships are more prone to turn to substances.  Talk to your children.  Hear what’s on their minds. Love them even when they are going through this tough time. 

9. The college years, when the children leave their homes and they have more freedom, is often the time when those at-risk begin to abuse. 

10. Vaping has become more common. Children need to learn about the danger.

One question I presented to the students last week was, “Why do you think we are talking about this in 8th grade? You are probably thinking- this is a high school topic?!”

In the Jewish Standard article before that event, Elana Forman (Lianne and Etiel’s daughter) said, “Basically I was a child like anyone else.  And, then, right before high school, I started feeling that I wasn’t like my peers.  I felt lonely and misunderstood.  And my solution, the way I found to cope with these feelings, was alcohol.  I started drinking when I was about 13. I took it from my parents’ liquor cabinet, and I associated with my friends who were doing the same things. We all took from our parents, and we had older friends who were able to buy it.” Elana continued to seem fine on the outside, but was not at all. So many things struck me about Elana’s words, but as someone who works with middle school children I thought, “This all began in middle school.”  It was hard to absorb.  

But, even before I read those words, I knew that we cannot wait for high school to make our children aware of  the dangers of substance use. That is why each year we have a substance abuse unit with our 8th graders.  (In addition to the units on resiliency, peer pressure and social/emotional skills our students learn about in Advisory in all grades). Our 8th graders begin to learn about the dangers they might face when it comes to alcohol and other substances. They learn about the physiological harm it can do to your body and to your emotional life, and the impact it has on your family.

One last critical point… In a column I wrote years ago, I shared an article from a 1999 New York Post article where Ms. Danis mentions that there was a school for 14 boys called Torah Academy being founded for struggling boys. These boys could also receive substance abuse counseling in a nearby substance abuse counseling center.  I am not sure of the status of that school. But, as we know,  substance abuse often begins with children struggling with mental health issues. At the time I wrote: .We do NOT have a Jewish therapeutic school for children who cannot make it in mainstream Yeshiva settings due to their emotional needs.  I am waiting for the next night when the community gets together and proclaims that we need a Jewish therapeutic school.  

Thank G-d, that is no longer true. We are so grateful for Sinai who will be starting Adir Academy- the first Jewish therapeutic day school in the United States in the coming year!  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the best way to prepare for finals and how to manage. 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed how they can be upstanders in their personal lives. 

Eighth Grade:  Students learned about the dangerous effects of substance use, They also contemplated how it feels to come to the end of their Yavneh journey  and filled out a survey about their Yavneh experiences.

Shavuot Cleaning...Wrong Holiday?

 As we approach Shavuot, most focus on the hero of the Shavuot story, Moshe Rabbeinu. I would like to focus on Yehoshua, the faithful servant of Moshe who becomes the next leader of the Jewish people. Where was Yehoshua during Kabbalat HaTorah? 

In  Shemot 24:13 it states,

גוַיָּקָם משֶׁה וִיהוֹשֻׁעַ מְשָׁרְתוֹ וַיַּעַל משֶׁה אֶל הַר הָאֱלֹהִים:

 “And Moshe stood up with Yehoshua, his servant, and Moshe ascended to the Mountain of God.” 

But, we know that only Moshe ascended to the top of the mountain. Where was Yehoshua?  Approximately 70 times in his commentary on Tanach Rashi says, “I do not know.” This is one of them.  

Rashi says on this pasuk, "I do not know what the function of Yehoshua is here: I say that he was the student accompanying his teacher until the place of the boundaries on the mountain, because he was not allowed to go further. And from there, Moshe ascended alone to the Mountain of God and Yehoshua set up his tent and stayed there for the whole forty days..." (Rashi, Shemot 24:13)  

But, clearly, Yehoshua was not with the rest of the people, as we know later he did not know of the sin of the golden calf. And, yet, he remained close to Har Sinai. Yehoshua was distinctively assigned an important role that indicated his high spiritual level.  

This placement of Yehoshua fits perfectly with what we know about him elsewhere. One could only imagine the greatness of  the man who merited taking the leadership of the Jewish people after Moshe. And, yet, what do we learn about him? Why was he chosen to lead? In fact, Moshe thought that his own children were to lead after him. But, the midrash in Bamidbar Rabba 21:14 relates that God said that that would not be so, and Yehoshua would lead. Why? 

Bamidbar Rabba 21:14

 יְהוֹשֻׁעַ הַרְבֵּה שֵׁרֶתְךָ וְהַרְבֵּה חָלַק לְךָ כָּבוֹד, וְהוּא הָיָה מַשְׁכִּים וּמַעֲרִיב בְּבֵית הַוַּעַד שֶׁלְּךָ, הוּא הָיָה מְסַדֵּר אֶת הַסַּפְסָלִים, וְהוּא פּוֹרֵס אֶת הַמַּחְצְלָאוֹת, הוֹאִיל וְהוּא שֵׁרֶתְךָ בְּכָל כֹּחוֹ, כְּדַאי הוּא שֶׁיְּשַׁמֵּשׁ אֶת יִשְׂרָאֵל שֶׁאֵינוֹ מְאַבֵּד שְׂכָרוֹ, (במדבר כז, יח): קַח לְךָ אֶת יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בִּן נוּן, לְקַיֵּם מַה שֶּׁנֶּאֱמַר: נֹצֵר תְּאֵנָה יֹאכַל פִּרְיָהּ.

Yehoshua served you much and gave you much honor; and he would come early and leave late your council chamber; he would arrange the benches and roll out the mats - since he served you with all of his strength, he is worthy to tend to Israel, so as to not lose his wage. 'Take Yehoshua the son of Nun,' in order to fulfill, 'He who tends a fig tree will enjoy its fruit.'"

It always struck me that Yehoshua “arranged the benches and rolled out the mats”- sounds like something a custodian should do, not second in command to the leader of the Jewish people!   There was something special about his not leaving the Beit Midrash a mess, but rather organizing it before he left. 

An article I read by Rabbi Ron Yitzchak Eisenman struck me and reminded me of Yehoshua.  He is  rabbi of a shul and he relates a story about a snowstorm in his community. One of the local teachers in a yeshiva decided to meet his class in the shul that day to learn, since school was closed. Rabbi Eisenman had no idea they were in the building, but spotted them on a security camera.  He was enthralled by watching how excited both the rebbe and talmidim were at learning. But, more importantly he shared,

 “I then noticed something, which in some ways was even more incredible than the learning itself.  After the learning finished, I noticed that every boy in the class carefully searched for any wrappers that had fallen and made sure to deposit them in the garbage bin...then pushing every seat back to where it belonged.  He then shut the lights in the ballroom before exiting.”  

What’s so incredible about that? Well, for those of us who parent teens, we know that it is pretty incredible. I recently went to a Yankee game and was embarrassed to see the family sitting next to me whose teens were spitting shells from their sunflower seeds on the floor by their seats. 

I often watch at lunch in school and notice which children pick up food after they accidentally drop it on the floor and which ones keep on going. When I host teens at my home, I always notice those who stay after the meal to clean up, (and I hope mine do that same when visiting others!).

There are many reasons why cleaning up is important to their development. It helps them be more responsible. It helps them appreciate what they have as they realize how much effort it takes to keep the house running.  They learn the value of hard work. 

Wendy Mogel, the famous author of The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee  wrote in her second book The Blessing Of A B-”  in the chapter,  “Why your teen needs to do laundry (and how to make it happen).” She tells the story of her friend’s son, 

 

|When it came time for Fall break during his first year at a top-tier college, my neighbour’s son stuffed two months’ worth of laundry—every piece of clothing he’d worn since arriving at school at the end of August—into three oversized suitcases, paid an excess baggage fee of $150 to check them at the airport, and flew home to his parents’ house.

“What were you thinking?” asked his astonished mother, as Josh deposited a mountain of smelly jeans, T-shirts, sweatshirts and socks in the utility room and made his way to the kitchen.

“Mom,” he said, opening the refrigerator, “how was I supposed to have time for laundry? I was studying…plus, I had all my work at the Jewish students’ centre.”

Josh is a good-hearted, generally responsible young man, not typically in the habit of taking advantage of his mother. But in high school, his parents had sheltered him from chores in exchange for his total devotion to school work and extracurriculars. Now, in college, Josh was positive that this bargain was still in place—that academics and religious involvement gave him a free pass out of laundry duty. In Josh’s mind, he was too gifted to sort his own socks.

Yehoshua knew that he was quite gifted. How could he have not realized when he was Moshe’s right hand man? And, yet, he took the time to tidy up the Beit Midrash.  

We often say that our children have so much homework and activities and we want those to be their priorities so they can excel, but, as Dr. Mogel continues, 

In my experience, chores lead to better school performance because they teach teens how to organize their time and their actions. Chores form a foundation for the rest of life as well. Young adults with household skills know how to carry their own weight. They’re conscious of ways to help without being told or asked. They aren’t crippled by the depressing belief that only the less talented or unexceptional perform the necessary chores of daily life. And because of their skills and willingness to pitch in, they’re considered kind, respectful and appealing.

It must have been that Yehoshua’s parents, (Nun and his mother!), must have had him helping out at home. He, consequently, became a young man who was leadership material, and considered, “kind, respectful and appealing.”  

We think that it must be obvious to our children to clean up at school in the lunchroom, or when they attend a bar mitzvah, or join a sleepover, but they need to be reminded. As parents, we need to reiterate over and over our expectations for them doing so. 

As we accept the עול המצוות - yoke of mitzvot- this Shavuot, we realize that mitzvot may seem like a burden at times, as a yoke does truly weigh on our shoulders.   Yet, we know that it is not a burden, but rather a responsibility which helps us grow and develop.  So, too, our children may see the “yoke” of cleaning up as a burden, but we know this responsibility is essential for their development. Who knows, maybe one day your child will be the next leader of the Jewish people? 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed bullying that happens on devices. 

Seventh Grade; This week, students discussed the bystander effect and why people often do nothing when they see someone in trouble.

Eighth Grade: Our 8th graders spent time writing “compliments” about each other, after learning about the power of those compliments. Those compliments will be consolidated into a tribute paragraph for each child that they will receive on a label in the sefer they receive at the 8th grade dinner. 

Mitzvah Notes For Mothers!

     Happy Mother’s Day!  Some years ago I picked up a free Jewish magazine that arrived at my home and the moment I saw this article I knew it would be in a Mother’s Day column.  It was called, “Mommy Mitzvah Notes” by Risa Rotman. Yes. We are used to writing “mitzvah notes” for our children to their teachers. (Just to add- your children are never too old for those “mitzvah notes.” If your child says a beautiful Dvar Torah at the table that he learned in school, take the time to send a “mitzvah note” email to the teacher- saying how proud you were of him. Or if your child comes home excited to share what she learned in science, take a monet to send a “mitzvah note” to the teacher. It will make both your child and the teacher feel a sense of pride and satisfaction).

     But, these mitzvah notes are ones that you earned as a parent (fathers earn them too!).  I know these mitzvah notes written below to the  “Morah of all Mommies” will make you smile! 

Dear Morah of All Mommies,

Mommy took out the last chocolate bar after cleaning up the entire kitchen.  Just before taking a bite, little Yossi asked for some too. Mommy shared even though it was hard for her.  

To The Morah Of All Mommies,

Mommy stayed calm when Cheryl had another temper tantrum. Mommy explained to Cheryl why she couldn’t take her to her cousin’s birthday party on the other side of the city, and when Cheryl continued to kvetch, Mommy ignored her and the tantrum finished quickly.

To The Morah Of All Mommies, 

Mommy’s friend asked why they didn’t see a different friend in the park anymore.  Mommy knew why but changed the subject so that she wouldn’t have to speak Lashon Hara.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

Today Mommy’s neighbor got very angry at Mommy because she thought Mommy’s children had created a big mess in the common area.  Mommy knew her kids didn’t make the mess, because they had been at the shoe store with her.   But Mommy stood quietly while the neighbor shouted and didn’t interrupt. What an amazing Mommy! 

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

Mommy bought some things in the grocery store. She was rushing home in the rain when she realized the cashier had given her too much change.  Mommy ran back to the grocery store to return the money even though the rain was beginning to get stronger.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies, 

Mommy went to the PTA get-together where she saw many of her friends. She was enjoying chatting with them when she noticed a lady sitting by herself. After a few minutes of schmoozing with her friends, Mommy went over to sit with the lonely lady. Kol hakavod to Mommy! 

To The Morah Of All Mommies, 

Mommy was waiting patiently at the supermarket when someone pushed her very full wagon in front of her claiming that she’d been there before and just went to find a missing item. Mommy looked at the angry woman, and decided it was not worth arguing, and let her go in front of Mommy. 

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

Mommy was about to rush through her morning brachot when she decided to say them out loud, concentrating on their meaning, word by word.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

Mommy had a very bad cold this week, yet she managed to make sure everyone had clean clothes and some kind of normal meal.  

As Risa Rotman notes,  (pun intended), “Mommies are all superwomen, but does that mean we don’t do the little things that deserve mitzvah notes? Sure we do!”   There is nothing like the feeling of knowing that the little things you do are noticed and appreciated.  Our children, spouses, bosses, family, or co-workers don’t often write “mitzvah notes” for us.  So, we may need to write those mitzvah notes for ourselves.

In Advisory we speak to our 7th graders about the power of positive and negative self- talk.  One type of “Positive self- talk” is actually complimenting yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “You are amazing!”  There is a body image curriculum of which I use a piece with the 7th grade girls called “Full of Yourself.” The normal connotation is to be egotistical and self- centered. But, when I frame it with the girls we discuss

- Liking yourself is not the same as being selfish

- Respecting yourself is not the same as being stuck-up

- Standing up for yourself is not the same as being pushy.

- Taking yourself seriously does not mean that you are too intense

- Telling the truth does not mean that you're too loud or that you talk too much

- Being in touch with your heart is not the same as being too emotional. 

The first two items speak to the importance of the fact that you have permission to compliment yourself and to build yourself up. We need to stop being self- critical and focus on our strengths. As Kierea Miller says in her article, “Compliment Yourself!” “It’s time to stop comparing or complaining, and start complimenting.”  As we discuss in Advisory, what we tell ourselves affects how we feel about ourselves. We need to remind ourselves each day about all the things that make us special, or about feats we have achieved!  This type of self- talk is called affirmations.  It is so easy to focus on what we are not good at. We need to focus on what makes us incredible. 

Affirmations are most powerful when you say them out loud and even look in the mirror while doing so.  “I am a wonderful mother!” “I am patient!” “I am beautiful!”  Or perhaps we should write ourselves mitzvah notes and hang them up on our fridge, so that when we face each day we remember that every day should truly be Mother’s Day. 

 And, of course,  the most important lesson from these Mommy mitzvah notes is that we should take the time to reach out to our own mothers- not only on Mother’s day,  and make it clear to them that we notice all that they do for us! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students continued on the Social Exclusion unit and discussed the qualities of standing up to bullying and being B.R.A.V.E. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the importance of being upstanders and how to apply that to standing up for Israel. 

Eighth Grade: Eighth graders continued their substance abuse unit with a discussion about the dangers of alcohol.

Making Each Day Count

  In this past Shabbat’s parasha, parashat Emor, the mitzvah of counting the Omer appeared in Vaykira 23:15:

וּסְפַרְתֶּ֤ם לָכֶם֙ מִמׇּחֳרַ֣ת הַשַּׁבָּ֔ת מִיּוֹם֙ הֲבִ֣יאֲכֶ֔ם אֶת־עֹ֖מֶר הַתְּנוּפָ֑ה שֶׁ֥בַע שַׁבָּת֖וֹת תְּמִימֹ֥ת תִּהְיֶֽינָה

And from the day on which you bring the sheaf of elevation offering—the day after the sabbath—you shall count off seven weeks. They must be complete

In my house, (my kids have inherited this!), I have a custom to put Sefirat HaOmer charts on every bedroom door. That way, you cannot miss the count of that night. But, this year, something new has happened. I receive two recordings each night- one from Rabbi David Fohrman and one from the OU Women’s Initiative with words of inspiration for that day. One cannot miss the count after receiving those messages. But, more importantly, those recordings have relayed to me an essential message. It is not about counting the days. It is about making those days count. 

Talia Kalman, in her article “Counting Each Day And Making Each Day Count” says it perfectly: 

Whenever we have inspiration, it’s only as good as the little steps we put in to make it a part of our everyday lives. Pesach is a huge inspiration; we witness the ten plagues which the Egyptians experienced, are finally freed from our slavery in Egypt, and experience another huge miracle of the splitting of the sea. But how does this inspiration become a part of me? How does it affect me after Pesach has gone? That’s the purpose of the Omer. This time period allows for us to take the inspiration with us to make us even stronger and closer to Hashem through the rest of the year and the rest of our lives. We take the inspiration of our miraculous leaving of Egypt, and make it real. True growth isn’t a sudden explosion of change. Real lasting growth comes slowly in a series of tiny steps, and that is what the period of the Omer is for.  

On Pesach, the korban Omer brought up is barley- animal food. On Shavuot we bring up bread- human food.  Through this time period, we, so to speak, transform from animals to humans; we are elevated to a much higher spiritual level. We work on refining our character traits which transforms us from being slaves to our base, animal instincts, to being more complete and elevated people. 

While I traditionally use the OU sefirah chart each year, this year I came across an additional one which focuses on the fact that each day of the Omer represents a different character trait. The full name of the period of the Omer is Sefirat Haomer, related to the Kaballistic Sefirot, which are the modes through which Hashem interacts with this world. Rabbi Simon Jacobson, in his article “Daily Omer Meditation- A Practical Guide To Becoming Great In 49 Days” discusses  the seven attributes focused on improving during sefirah and even includes a daily meditation to consider each day. I’ll just share with you the first one: Day 1 ― Chesed of Chesed: Loving-kindness in Loving-kindness

Love is the single most powerful and necessary component in life. It is both giving and receiving. Love allows us to reach above and beyond ourselves, to experience another person and to allow that person to experience us. It is the tool by which we learn to experience the highest reality ― God. Examine the love aspect of your love.

Ask yourself: What is my capacity to love another person? Do I have problems with giving? Am I stingy or selfish? Is it difficult for me to let someone else into my life? Am I afraid of my vulnerability, of opening up and getting hurt?

Exercise for the day: Find a new way to express your love to a dear one.

Sefirat HaOmer is an opportunity/ an excuse for daily self-reflection. 

And, this daily reflection, provided by Sefirat HaOmer, has been proven by psychological studies to lead to success in life. Professor Francesca Gino, of Harvard Business School, found in a research study that the who set 15 minutes aside at the end of the workday to reflect on how they did and what they need to improve experienced a boost in self-efficacy, felt more confident and as a result put more effort into what they were doing. They did 23% better than those who did not engage in that daily reflection. 

Dr. Jo Nash in his article, “25 Self- reflection Questions- Why Introspection is Important" cites the research that daily self-reflection can: 

a. Develop self-awareness- recognizing strengths and challenges which can lead to growth. b. Lead to better emotional regulation c. Improves relationships d. Increases resilience and develops coping skills e. Helps us set long-term goals and manage stress. f. Encourages growth and change, requiring us to leave our comfort zones and grow. g. Enhances problem-solving and creativity 

In reality, when one thinks about it, we need not wait until Sefirat HaOmer to get these daily self-reflection opportunities. In fact, each night we have Keriat Shema as a time to think about how our day went and what we want to do differently tomorrow.  In my Beur Tefillah class, when we learn about Keriat Shema Al HaMita (the bedtime shema), we read an article I once found on chabad.org  “Bedtime Shema- All’s Well That Ends Well.” 

Psychologists who study dreams tell us that the last five conscious minutes of our day determine what we’ll be dreaming about at night. And we all know that how we slept at night determines a lot of how we perform the next day.

The article continues to lead us through the steps of nightly self-reflection. 

Relax  Don’t try to rush through this like you did rush-hour traffic. Pause. Let go of the maddening thoughts of the day. Empty your mind.

Re-examine Let the highlights of your day flash through your mind. Look for the sparks of beauty you came to this world to find. Discard the dross, the mess-ups. Next time, you’ll do it right.

He then continues on to note the next steps- refresh, refocus, repent, re-entrust. 

And, so as we live each day, Sefirat HaOmer reminds us of the importance of taking time each day to reflect, reassess, and improve- making each day count. It is good for both our spiritual and emotional lives. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Students had an opportunity to clean out their backpacks and began a unit on “Social Exclusion and Bullying.” 

Seventh Grade: Students continued as part of their “Do Not Stand Idly By” unit to learn of the power of the upstander. 

Eighth Grade: Students continued their Substance Abuse unit with a focus of the dangers of drinking. 

Yom Haatzmaut And One Of The Happiest Places On Earth

  As we approach Yom Haatzmaut we celebrate Israel wholeheartedly and continue supporting them in their struggles here in the U.S. 

It brings to mind the results of the World Happiness Report released a few weeks ago, where Israel (yet again!) despite war going on,  ranked 8th in the world annual survey. The United States was 23rd. The United Kingdom 29th. France was 35th. And, unbelievably, those under the age of 25 ranked higher, despite having to be in the army. That same age group in the United States plummeted to 60th. Each year since 2021 Israel’s ranking has gone up. I have written about this phenomenon a number of times in my column. In previous years I discussed the impact of family ties, community, a sense of belonging, living with meaning and purpose, and giving to others as aspects that contribute to these high scores.  This year, I want to focus on a different contributing factor. 

 Anat Fanti, a happiness policy researcher at the Program in Science, Technology and Society at Bar-Ilan University notes that interestingly enough, according to the report, Israel’s ranking for measures of worry, sadness and anger worsened significantly, moving from 119th place pre-October 7 to 39th in the world. So, how is it possible to be happy and have more worry, sadness and anger at the same time?

I believe we can gain some insight from the timing of Yom Haatzmaut in the Jewish calendar.  First, Yom Haatzmaut comes right after Yom Hazikaron, a devastating day where we remember the loss of those who perished for the State of Israel. How is it possible to go from such sadness to happiness in a number of hours? 

And, then we contemplate that we are in a time period of mourning- Sefirah- when we mourn the death of Rabbi Akiva’s students. We limit smachot, weddings etc.  It feels inconsistent to have the celebration of Yom Haatzmaut during this mourning period.  How is it possible to go from such sadness to happiness? 

That is the definition of resilience. Resilience is not being happy when life is going wonderfully.  Resilience is being happy when things are hard, worrisome and even sad. 

This brings to mind the two famous stories of Rabbi Akiva- the model of resilience- from the Gemara. Story #1 is in Makkot 24a-b:

וּכְבָר הָיָה רַבָּן גַּמְלִיאֵל וְרַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה וְרַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ וְרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא מְהַלְּכִין בַּדֶּרֶךְ, וְשָׁמְעוּ קוֹל הֲמוֹנָהּ שֶׁל רוֹמִי מִפְּלָטָהּ [בְּרָחוֹק] מֵאָה וְעֶשְׂרִים מִיל, וְהִתְחִילוּ בּוֹכִין, וְרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא מְשַׂחֵק. אָמְרוּ לוֹ: מִפְּנֵי מָה אַתָּה מְשַׂחֵק? אָמַר לָהֶם: וְאַתֶּם מִפְּנֵי מָה אַתֶּם בּוֹכִים? אָמְרוּ לוֹ: הַלָּלוּ גּוֹיִם שֶׁמִּשְׁתַּחֲוִים לַעֲצַבִּים וּמְקַטְּרִים לַעֲבוֹדָה זָרָה יוֹשְׁבִין בֶּטַח וְהַשְׁקֵט, וְאָנוּ, בֵּית הֲדוֹם רַגְלֵי אֱלֹהֵינוּ שָׂרוּף בָּאֵשׁ, וְלֹא נִבְכֶּה?! אָמַר לָהֶן: לְכָךְ אֲנִי מְצַחֵק, וּמָה לְעוֹבְרֵי רְצוֹנוֹ כָּךְ, לְעוֹשֵׂי רְצוֹנוֹ עַל אַחַת כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה.

And it once was that Rabban Gamliel, Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya, Rabbi Yehoshua, and Rabbi Akiva were walking along the road in the Roman Empire, and they heard the sound of the multitudes of Rome from Puteoli at a distance of one hundred and twenty mil. The city was so large that they were able to hear its tumult from a great distance. And the other Sages began weeping and Rabbi Akiva was laughing. They said to him: For what reason are you laughing? Rabbi Akiva said to them: And you, for what reason are you weeping? They said to him: These gentiles, who bow to false gods and burn incense to idols, dwell securely and tranquilly in this colossal city, and for us, the House of the footstool of our God, the Temple, is burnt by fire, and shall we not weep? Rabbi Akiva said to them: That is why I am laughing. If for those who violate His will, the wicked, it is so and they are rewarded for the few good deeds they performed, for those who perform His will, all the more so will they be rewarded.

Story #2: 

שׁוּב פַּעַם אַחַת הָיוּ עוֹלִין לִירוּשָׁלַיִם, כֵּיוָן שֶׁהִגִּיעוּ לְהַר הַצּוֹפִים קָרְעוּ בִּגְדֵיהֶם, כֵּיוָן שֶׁהִגִּיעוּ לְהַר הַבַּיִת רָאוּ שׁוּעָל שֶׁיָּצָא מִבֵּית קׇדְשֵׁי הַקֳּדָשִׁים, הִתְחִילוּ הֵן בּוֹכִין וְרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא מְצַחֵק. אָמְרוּ לוֹ: מִפְּנֵי מָה אַתָּה מְצַחֵק? אָמַר לָהֶם: מִפְּנֵי מָה אַתֶּם בּוֹכִים? אָמְרוּ לוֹ: מָקוֹם שֶׁכָּתוּב בּוֹ ״וְהַזָּר הַקָּרֵב יוּמָת״, וְעַכְשָׁיו שׁוּעָלִים הִלְּכוּ בּוֹ, וְלֹא נִבְכֶּה   

אָמַר לָהֶן: לְכָךְ אֲנִי מְצַחֵק

 , בְּאוּרִיָּה כְּתִיב ״לָכֵן בִּגְלַלְכֶם צִיּוֹן שָׂדֶה תֵחָרֵשׁ״, בִּזְכַרְיָה כְּתִיב ״עוֹד יֵשְׁבוּ זְקֵנִים וּזְקֵנוֹת בִּרְחֹבוֹת יְרוּשָׁלִָם״. עַד שֶׁלֹּא נִתְקַיְּימָה נְבוּאָתוֹ שֶׁל אוּרִיָּה הָיִיתִי מִתְיָירֵא שֶׁלֹּא תִּתְקַיֵּים נְבוּאָתוֹ שֶׁל זְכַרְיָה, עַכְשָׁיו שֶׁנִּתְקַיְּימָה נְבוּאָתוֹ שֶׁל אוּרִיָּה – בְּיָדוּעַ שֶׁנְּבוּאָתוֹ שֶׁל זְכַרְיָה מִתְקַיֶּימֶת. בַּלָּשׁוֹן הַזֶּה אָמְרוּ לוֹ: עֲקִיבָא נִיחַמְתָּנוּ, עֲקִיבָא נִיחַמְתָּנוּ.

The Gemara relates another incident involving those Sages. On another occasion they were ascending to Jerusalem after the destruction of the Temple. When they arrived at Mount Scopus and saw the site of the Temple, they rent their garments in mourning, in keeping with halakhic practice. When they arrived at the Temple Mount, they saw a fox that emerged from the site of the Holy of Holies. They began weeping, and Rabbi Akiva was laughing. They said to him: For what reason are you laughing? Rabbi Akiva said to them: For what reason are you weeping? They said to him: This is the place concerning which it is written: “And the non-priest who approaches shall die” (Numbers 1:51), and now foxes walk in it; and shall we not weep? 

Rabbi Akiva said to them: That is why I am laughing, as it is written, when God revealed the future to the prophet Isaiah…In the prophecy of Uriah it is written: “Therefore, for your sake Zion shall be plowed as a field, and Jerusalem shall become rubble, and the Temple Mount as the high places of a forest” (Micah 3:12), where foxes are found. There is a rabbinic tradition that this was prophesied by Uriah. In the prophecy of Zechariah it is written: “There shall yet be elderly men and elderly women sitting in the streets of Jerusalem” (Zechariah 8:4). Until the prophecy of Uriah with regard to the destruction of the city was fulfilled I was afraid that the prophecy of Zechariah would not be fulfilled, as the two prophecies are linked. Now that the prophecy of Uriah was fulfilled, it is evident that the prophecy of Zechariah remains valid. The Gemara adds: The Sages said to him, employing this formulation: Akiva, you have comforted us; Akiva, you have comforted us.

In both stories, after the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash, Rabbi Akiva laughed when seeing foreigners in the Holy City sacrificing to idols and seeing a fox wandering in the place with the Beit Hamikdash used to be, while everyone else was sobbing. He was able to see the positive side despite the tragedy. Rabbi Akiva saw the bright side of the situation: If G-d rewards sinners for their few good deeds, how much more so to us.  If the prophecy which predicted the destruction came true, then the prophecy which predicted the redemption will also come true as well!

And, we see Rabbi Akiva’s ability to bounce back and remain positive despite difficulty in the Gemara in Yevamot 62b 

 “When Rabbi Akiva’s students died and the world was desolate, he got up and went to the south of Eretz Yisroel and started over again!”

In the words of Rabbi Yissochor Frand: 

It seems evident that Rabbi Akiva had unbelievable resilience. He was the type of person who, despite experiencing the biggest disaster, could find something positive within that disaster, providing him with the ability to continue onward. He had an incredible ability to be able to evaluate the worst of situations and believe that “all is not lost”.

This is the same Rabbi Akiva who was known to have said as it states in Berachot 60b,  ״כׇּל דְּעָבֵיד רַחֲמָנָא לְטָב עָבֵיד״ Everything that God does, He does for the best.  (The Gemara continues to describe how Rabbi Akiva tried to go to a “hotel” and they told him they had no room- and instead of getting frustrated he proclaimed “All that Hashem does is for the best. And he slept in a field with his rooster, donkey and candle. Wind extinguished the candle,  a cat ate the rooster and a lion ate the donkey and he still proclaimed “All Hashem does is for the best.” That night an army came and took the city into captivity, but since he was alone with no light, and no noisy animals to give away his location, he was saved). 

Rabbi Akiva modeled for us the constant gratitude and positive attitude- even in tough times. He had the ability to see the cup half full and not half empty. Saul Singer and Dan Senor write in their book The Genius of Israel: The Surprising Resilience Of A Divided Nation In A Turbulent World  that “Israelis have a Thanksgiving dinner every Friday night and show their gratitude.”  The ability to count your blessings, even when things are hard can contribute to happiness despite tough times. ( A reminder about my reference to this a few weeks ago: Dr. Ben Shahar also speaks about an assignment he gave his graduate students- keeping a gratitude journal.  In research conducted by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough writing down at least five things for which one is grateful each day will increase happiness levels. Gratitude is one key to happiness.  In Hebrew gratitude is הכרת הטוב which in essence means “recognizing the good.”  The first step to achieving happiness is recognizing the good that we have. We focus on the cup half full, which logically leads to unhappiness.  We often don’t even notice all the good in our lives).  

But, somehow, going through tough times, ironically, helps a person be happier. Lori Gottleib in her article, How to Land Your Kid in Therapy Why the obsession with our kids’ happiness may be dooming them to unhappy adulthoods. A therapist and mother reports, notes: 

 I began to wonder: Could it be that by protecting our kids from unhappiness as children, we’re depriving them of happiness as adults?  

I have quoted numerous times psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Dr. Viktor Frankl’s Man Search For Meaning.  In her article “There’s More To Life Than Being Happy” Emily Esfahani Smith points out the difference between Frankl’s generation and Americans today.  Our culture is more focused on the search for individual happiness. Todd Kashdan, in his article “The Problem With Happiness” adds, But there is a not-so-hidden problem. The United States is obsessed with happiness (same goes for a number of other countries in the world). There are cultural pressures to be happy.  Ironically, what they found is that as people place more importance on being happy, they become more unhappy and depressed. The pressure to be happy makes people less happy. Organizing your life around trying to become happier, making happiness the primary objective of life, gets in the way of actually becoming happy.

And, so perhaps the secret to the happiness they experience in Israel (along with the family ties, community, a sense of belonging, living with meaning and purpose, and giving to others referenced above) is the ability to survive being unhappy. As Dr. Douglas Newton says in his article “Parents, Your Children Shouldn’t Be Happy All The Time” However, it is important for our children to not be happy. Yes, you read that right! Children need to feel a wide range of emotions as they grow up that are quite far from happiness. Feelings like sadness, fear and disappointment. In fact, a recent study looked at the emotional range of 37,000 people and found that those who experience “emodiversity,” an abundant range of emotions, have better mental health, decreased depression, better physical health and know how to handle a wide range of behavioral situations.

As parents, we are tempted to jump in, solve their problems and do whatever it takes so our children are happy and never face disappointment.  Why do we do this? Adina Soclof notes, in her article “Raising Happy Kids By Letting Them Be Sad”  

So why do parents do this? Because deep down we think it is our job to keep our kids happy all the time and protect them from the vicissitudes of life. We also tend to equate our child’s happiness with being a good parent. When we work from this baseline we become enmeshed in our kids’ angry moods. We cannot stand to see our children distressed or disheartened.

We are missing the point. Our job as parents is not to make our kids happy all the time, but it is to teach them ways to manage the inevitable ups and downs of life. When we let them experience upset in small things in life, they will gain the tools to handle the big issues in life.  We thereby prevent fragility by not rushing it to fix everything. They then develop coping skills.  We allow them to be upset, be frustrated and let them experience the discomfort of failing or losing. 

Children need to find their own ways to deal with life’s bumps, and to pursue happiness and satisfaction in life. Not allowing them to be sad robs them of that opportunity. Giving them the space to feel and manage the rough spots they are experiencing provides your children valuable lessons in conquering life’s challenges with grit.

So, that is the lesson of Yom Hazikaron leading into Yom Haatzmaut. That is the lesson of Yom Haatzmaut celebrated during Sefirah. The ability to be sad, but still find happiness. It is the lesson of Rabbi Akiva that modern-day Israelis have incorporated into their lives. Life can be tough, there will be struggles, but I can be an optimist with resilience and grit. The only way to truly achieve happiness is by being able to remain positive during tough times. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students are finishing up their materials management unit.

Seventh Grade: Students have been educated about how to stand up for Israel and how to be “Upstanders.” 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed their recent Holocaust play, Yom Hashoah and the lessons they can learn from the Holocaust in terms of how they treat others.