No More FOMO- More JOMO

         Last Shabbat I attended a panel presentation of various rabbis who serve our community- in both Israel and the U.S., and in shuls and schools- regarding issues at hand for students today. The audience was full of both parents and educators, and the intention was to cover four basic topics in the hour allotted. However, they only got to one topic that afternoon and that was regarding the rise of materialism among our children and our community. Just to clarify, much of it was positive, but there was discussion about the pressure both we as parents and our children feel in today’s Bergen county Jewish community. 

Interestingly enough, as I was leaving the event, I bumped into a parent of a Yavneh alum who is already beyond college. He had attended the panel discussion as well, and asked me, what do I think is the biggest issue facing kids today? I, of course, said,  “Technology.”  And, noted that even the pressure for materialism stems from technology use. He asked me what I meant and I said that just in the past week two parents reached out to me unhappy with the fact that girls in their children’s grade were posting “hauls.”  The alumnus parent said to me “Halls? What does that mean?” And, I explain that it is referring to shopping hauls- with an “a” and “u”- when people post items they just bought for all to see. This parent was actually an avid reader of my column, who in fact, after his children graduated asked me if I could still send my column to him weekly. He said to me in a joking manner, “Let me guess… topic for this coming week’s column?” He was right. 

One of the parents who reached out to me with concern, asked if this could be a topic we can address with the students in Advisory. As I explain each year at the sixth grade orientation night, Advisory is flexible and I welcome input from parents, teachers and students regarding issues they feel need to be targeted. So, this coming week “hauls” will be addressed with the grade who is posting these hauls- and will remain a lesson each year, as long as it is needed. 

Before I begin, I want to reiterate what I have shared many times in this column-by quoting Dr. Jonathan Haidt from his book The Anxious Generation:

"No smartphones before high school. Parents should delay children’s entry into round-the-clock internet access by giving only basic phones (phones with limited apps and no internet browser) before ninth grade (roughly age 14). No social media before 16."

Following Dr. Haidt's research and expertise, we do not recommend smartphones for middle school students. Period. And, if they have whatsapp on their computer, as parents we need to be checking what they are posting. And, if there is a grade chat- parents need to be checking that as well. 

So, why do our teens post these hauls? During adolescence our teens are seeking  validation and they are hoping their post will elicit validation through likes, comments and views. And, minimally, on whatsapp, they want lots of heart emojis. They are also seeking a sense of belonging and connection and this is one way to attempt to connect with others. Of course, they are also emulating social media influencers as well who are constantly posting these hauls. 

It makes logical sense why these hauls are bad for them. It puts the girls in a state of “perpetual performance.” Instead of enjoying something new they just bought, their enjoyment is tied to the approval of others and causes anxiety if people do not react the way they want them to.  It also puts pressure on those who cannot afford to buy the same item to go out and buy those items, possibly even leading to anxiety. And, the posting of these hauls and the need for constant validation of others leads to anxiety as well.  There is then constant comparison to others and often girls feel as if they can never be or have enough. This leads to dissatisfaction with their own lives and bodies as they are always comparing themselves to others.  It also leads to a focus on materialism and values that we do not want to be a priority.  

So, we need to tell our children that the person they are inside and what they do to help the world and others is more important than what they buy.  We do not brag and show off about what we have, which can make others feel bad. Humility is the midda we want to inculcate in our children. And, of course, happiness is not achieved by buying more items. 

It says in Pirkei Avot 4:1- אֵיזֶהוּ עָשִׁיר, הַשָּׂמֵחַ בְּחֶלְקוֹ Who is rich? He who rejoices in what he has.” It is no coincidence that the word עוֹשֶׁר - wealth, is similar to the word אוֹשֶׁר - happiness/contentment. They are not the same, although they sound the same, i.e. you might think they are the same. This is the lesson for our teens. You do not need to spend your money to be happy.  When you rejoice in what you have, seeing the post of another does not make your life less valuable. Be satisfied with what you have, instead of wishing you had what someone else does.  Having more does not make you happier.  The “hedonic treadmill”- a psychological cycle where buying something new provides a temporary hit of dopamine, might make you temporarily happy, but quickly leaves you wanting more. And, let us encourage our children to practice JOMO- Joy of Missing Out instead of FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out. Let us teach them how to reframe their perspectives to practice being happy with their current "portion.”

And, I know that the worde “צניעות” tends to be seen as the way people dress. But, in essence that is not true. As it says in Micha 6:8:

חהִגִּ֥יד לְךָ֛ אָדָ֖ם מַה־טּ֑וֹב וּמָה־ה' דּוֹרֵ֣שׁ מִמְּךָ֗ כִּ֣י אִם־עֲשׂ֚וֹת מִשְׁפָּט֙ וְאַ֣הֲבַת חֶ֔סֶד וְהַצְנֵ֥עַ לֶ֖כֶת עִם־אֱלֹקיךָ: 

He has told you, O man, what is good, and what the Lord demands of you; but to do justice, to love loving-kindness, and to walk modestly with your God.           “Walking modestly” means not posting what you purchased for all to see and making others feel bad.  No different from what we always say, “Think before you post. What will the impact be on others?”                        I recently saw an ad in a Jewish magazine for an organization called “Values Over Valuables”  on the website it said, “Trying to live with values in a world of valuables? You’re not alone! Join the silent majority and together let’s inspire a more balanced and thoughtful lifestyle within our community, one that values purpose over prestige, and connection over consumption.”            So, please do discuss with your children why we are not supporters of this haul culture and your preference for them to stop doing this if they are. (7th grade girls’ parents, if you want to wait until after Tuesday’s Advisory lesson to have this conversation, you can).  True happiness is appreciating what you have.  Advisory Update: Sixth Grade:  The girls set some goals for the year based on the tips of last year’s sixth grade students. (Early dismissal for the boys this week). Seventh Grade: Students discussed the skills of active listening and communication. Eighth Grade- Students focused on the life lessons they can apply from their Corn Maze trip through connections with the book (in video form) Who Moved My Cheese?  - how to react when life does not always take the path you planned?

A Fresh Start...Every Day

  While many of us may feel relieved not to cook another meal, and those of us who took off from work are relieved to not have to take off another day, the “post-Yom Tov season blues” are definitely a real malady that many of us face. During these days we spent time with our children (without homework!) just enjoying their company.  And, now, it is back to “real life.”  As educators, there was some frustration with finally getting the students into a routine, and then having weeks off from school.  I prefer to see it as yet another opportunity for a new beginning. 

In a paper called “The Fresh Start Effect: Temporal Landmarks Motivate Aspirational Behavior” by Dai, Milkman and Riis at University of Pennsylvania they write about something called “the fresh start effect”- that people are more likely to tackle their goals, “take a big-picture view of their lives, and thus motivate aspirational behaviors” at landmark times that signify  a new beginning. It could be the first day of school, the beginning of a new week or even the day back from a big vacation.  They call these times “temporal landmarks,” a term which comes from the research on memory, which are markers in time that separate one time period from another so that people can divide the “timeline of their lives in their heads which helps them categorize  and thus retrieve memories,” says Melissa Dahl in her article “September Is Your Second Chance January.”  

These landmarks are also used to organize memories of ourselves, says Dahl, called “temporal self-appraisal.”  That was the summer me, this is the September me! That was the pre-Yom Tov me. Now, this is the post-Yom Tov me.  Researchers point out that people often even “describe their pre-change self as a distinct person.”  

Dahl also notes that another explanation to the fresh start effect might be that “interruptions to a routine shake people out of autopilot.”  But, the problem is, as we intuit and the research shows, there is a lot of excitement right after the temporal landmark, but that excitement fades quickly.  When the first day of school starts, my son really does intend to do his homework the moment he gets home before watching TV.   And, slowly that commitment and enthusiasm fizzles. (Think about all those commitments to go to the gym…)  And, then your child (or you) is dejected.  How depressing it is to make that resolution on the first day of school to be different this year, and then life happens.  Most of us give up at that point. 

I think about this dejection often when it comes to the season after Yamim  Tovim. Elul, Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot- we are on fire to be better and to do better this year. Whether religiously, spiritually or as human beings- we will be better parents… more patient, make lunches the night before, parent each child differently. We all make those resolutions, and then real-life sets in. It is so easy to be dejected and give up. 

Some years ago, my daughter shared with me a video from aish.com, which I think has an inspirational message to share. Here is the transcript:

Rabbi Yoel Gold tells the story of a Chazan.  Every year on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Tzudah Greenwald would travel from Israel to Germany to be a chazan in the Great Synagogue of Frankfurt. One year, on motzei Yom Kippur, Tzudah was exhausted from the davening and the fast so he told himself that he would rest a little in the shul and then he would walk to his hotel and break his fast. By the time he was ready to leave, all two thousand people who had been davening in the shul, only thirty minutes earlier, had gone home to break their fasts. He was the last man standing, the lights were out, the security guards were gone, and the gates of the shul were locked.

 Tzudah then walks out of the side door and sees a man with a white Kippah looking very lost and trying to get into the locked gates of the shul.Tzudah approached the man and asked him if he could help him. The man says “What’s going on? Where is everyone? Why are the gates of the shul closed? Isn’t it the night of Kol Nidrei today?” Tzudah answered him right away saying that kol nidrei was yesterday. Today we are already after Ne’elah and everyone had already left the shul. The man starts to break down and he says “How did it happen? How did I make this mistake? How did I miss Kol Nidrei?” Tzudah tried to calm him down and he said, “Don’t worry, there will be another Kol Nidrei next year.” But the man wouldn’t hear it. He said, “You don't understand! When I was a kid my father would take me once a year to shul on Yom Kippur to hear kol nidrei. And, 20 years ago before my father passed away, he made me promise to him that I would never miss the Kol Nidrei Yom Kippur night because he knew that that would be my only connection to my heritage. And tonight would be the first time after my father passed away that I have missed kol nidrei.” 

When Tzudah heard this he had so much compassion, he looked the man in his eyes and said, “Don’t worry, I am the Chazan of the shul. Come into the shul with me and we will do Kol Nidrei. “ The man said “Really! You would do that for me!” Tzudah said “Gladly,” and took him by the hand and led the man into the shul through the side door. Tzudah put on his tallis and his hat as he wanted the man to feel that he didn’t miss out- That he will get his Kol nidrei. Tzudah then started his Kol Nidrei again. Just as he opened his mouth he felt like he was given this supernatural second chance and never before had he ever sang with so much heart and kavanah then at this moment, in this empty shul, after Yom Kippur,  with this one man. When Tzudah finished the kol nidrei right away, the man hugged him and said “You don’t know what you did for me. You saved my life!” Both men cried and they knew that they would never forget this moment for the rest of their lives. 

Says, Rabbi Gold, we all make mistakes each day, but Hashem always reaches out to us by opening a side door. As long as we are knocking on those gates, it is never too late- the side door is always open to us. 

I don’t often quote aish.com videos in my column, but when I heard this story I felt it applied to so many areas of our lives.  When it comes to our spiritual growth after the Yamim Tovim, we need not fear if we did not reach the goals we had set, and achieve true Teshuva, because the side door is always open EVERY DAY of our lives.  It is not at all over- it begins anew every day!

A famous pasuk from Yishayau  נה:  ו  speaks about teshuva in Aseret Yimei Teshuva (or some say during Elul as well):

 “דרשו ה’ בהמצאו קראוהו בהיותו קרוב” - “Seek Hashem out when He is found and call Him when He is close”- telling us that Hashem is closer during those 10 days,,. so that’s the time for teshuva!   From here it seems that Aseret Yimei Teshuva is the only time to do teshuva as Hashem is close. 

But Rav Soloveitchik says in his sefer “Yimai Zikaron” , as a play on the pasuk in Yishayahu: 

דרשו את ה’ גם בלא המצאו לכם  קראוהו גם בהיותו רחוק”

“Seek out Hashem also when He is not found to you, call out to Him also when He is far.” 

Even when it is not Aseret Yimeit Teshuva- seek Him out and do teshuva. I need not wait for the temporal landmark to make a change.  

As parents, this is an important lesson to remind ourselves of and more importantly to share with our children. It does not matter how they did or what they did yesterday.  Each day can be a new start and a new beginning. I will not judge you and you can start fresh.  You can conjure a “temporal landmark” and a fresh start each and every day. This was me before Tuesday. Now, it is me after Tuesday- new and improved, or at least working to improve. I often work with teachers to relay the same message. Often I meet with children who are struggling behaviorally or academically and they feel it is too late.  There is nothing they can do. I tell them that I met with the teacher and we have agreed to make tomorrow like the first day of school. No preconceived notions or habits.  Tomorrow the teacher is meeting you for the first time and you have the opportunity to start again. 

Many people might have expected me to write such a column the first week of school or the week of Rosh HaShana. Ah… but that is the point!  I specifically write this column when there is no official “temporal landmark” looming. 

Our children or we might have started the new school year or Jewish calendar year invigorated and determined to be better students and better people.  But, even if things did not go as planned, when they returned to school on October 5th after the chagim, there was another temporal landmark to start again. And, worst comes to worst, if that didn’t serve as a fresh start, this morning or tomorrow morning can be as well.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: The girls had their first session of Advisory this week where they were introduced to the goals of sixth grade Advisory and engaged in a “getting to know you” activity. The boys discussed our “Middle School Adjustment Program” - where Yavneh teachers acted out real-life scenarios/difficulties our students face in their middle school transition and discussed practical solutions. 

Seventh Grade: Students learned the skills of assertive communication and turning “you” statements into “I” statements. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began to discuss what goes into making the high school choice and  looked at the applications to high school. 

Chag Sameach! Simcha All Year Long- Part 3

            Although we have only had 14 days of school, as noted in the Advisory update in my previous column, our students have already begun setting goals for themselves.   What if they cannot achieve the goals that they seek? What if they fail at achieving what they perceive as success?  As we left Yom Kippur and celebrate Sukkot we, adults, feel the same way. All those things we promised we would do better...now we actually have to do them.  That can seem a bit intimidating. What if we can’t do it all? What if we fail? 

We discussed in the last two columns how we can and must focus on happiness with our children (and ourselves) when starting a new school year and when encountering the Teshuva process of Elul and Tishrei. 

Just to continue adding to our “happier new year” when one thinks about it, we can learn more about the key to happiness from the chag of Sukkot where there is an actual mitzvah of  “ושמחת בחגך”- to be happy. And, why particularly after the season of Teshuva? The answer can be found in a better understanding of the happiest days in the Jewish calendar which happened daily on Sukkot- the days of the ceremonies of the Simchat Beit Hashoeva- “The water drawing celebration”  (literally: happiness of the house of the water-drawing). In  the time of the Beit Hamikdash, there were daily glorious celebrations when the kohanim poured water next to the mizbeach (alter) and there was dancing, song and the whole Jewish people came out to celebrate. The mishna (Sukkah 51a) states, 

“מִי שֶׁלֹּא רָאָה שִׂמְחַת בֵּית הַשּׁוֹאֵבָה, לֹא רָאָה שִׂמְחָה מִיָּמָיו”

”Whovever has not seen the Simchat Beit Hashoeveh celebration, never saw true happiness in his life.” 

But, Rav Kook, as noted by Rabbi Chanan Morrison, points out that the name of the celebration is strange. Why is it called the celebration of “drawing water”? In fact, we know that at the celebration there was pouring of water- not drawing the water. The water was drawn the day before from the Shiloach pool.  It should have been called “Simchat Beit Hanisuch” - the pouring. This points out that the main event was not the pouring, but the actual preparing before the event- the drawing of the water- that is what the people were celebrating.   This seems to be counter- intuitive.  Rav Kook points out that this teaches us an important lesson.  Every person’s actions can be divided into two parts- the means and the ends. The ends are the final goals- the final dreams and what we want to achieve.  The means are the daily steps and small actions that we need to do to get there- the effort.  Most people only place importance on the ends- and fail to see the importance in the effort and the work it takes to get there. We need to celebrate the effort.

That is the message of the joyful holiday following Yamim Noraim. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are when we establish our goals for the year- but those goals take hard work each day and effort.  There is also value to that hard work.  If one only focuses on the goal, if one does not achieve that goal then you are devastated.  It is the journey to the goal that is important- that journey needs to be celebrated even if we fail to achieve our goals. As we quoted from Masechet Avot 5:23 last week, לפום צערא עגרא- According to the effort is the reward.   

The same Dr. Carole Dweck that we also referenced last week, reveals a truth that when kept in mind can change one’s perspective on success.  Dweck believes that most people have a misunderstanding of what intelligence truly is. This misunderstanding is integrally connected to how we as parents and teachers praise our children.  In reality, intelligence is not fixed, but can be enhanced through learning. (Remember the power of “yet” we spoke about last week).  We often praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!”  This simply sets them up for negative feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term.  On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their perseverance, strategies, and improvement, leads to greater self- confidence.  “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can do together to figure out what you do not understand.” 

Dweck studied the effects of praise over and over with children in different settings and of different ethnicities.  In one study, some children were told, “You must be smart at these problems” and the other group were told “You must have worked hard at these problems.” Students who were praised for intelligence blamed problems they got wrong on their intelligence, while the group praised for effort attributed those wrong problems to effort...and felt they could do better the next time. When children were given a choice to choose a task, those in the intelligence praise group only chose activities they knew they could do well.  Those in the “process praise” group chose tasks from which they thought they could learn.  Dweck emphatically found, “Praising students’ intelligence give them a short burst of pride, followed by a long string of negative consequences…Students praised for effort made more reference to skills, knowledge, and areas they could change through effort and learning...Process praise keeps students focused, not on something called ability that they may or may not have and that magically creates success or failure, but on processes they can all engage in to learn.” Most importantly, Dweck stressed that effort is as important as talent.

  Dr. Angela Duckworth, in her theory about the importance of grit, adds to Dweck’s theory by also stressing the essential nature of  effort. “Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity and plateaus in progress. The gritty individual approaches achievement as a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina.  Whereas disappointment or boredom signals to others that it is time to change trajectory and cut losses, the gritty individual stays the course.” Effort and the ability to not give up creates the champion.

So, as we celebrate the joyous chag HaSukkot- the chag of simcha, and celebrate Simchat Torah,  may we perpetuate that simcha throughout the year. How? As we recall that we may not always achieve those religious and academic goals we have set for ourselves, but we must always remind our children and ourselves that it is the effort that counts, and as long as we try our best we have succeeded.  As parents, we play an integral role in reinforcing the importance of effort with our children by the way we challenge and praise them.

Happy Yom Kippur?!

In last week’s column, we discussed how to help our children have a happier new year.  As we approach Yom Kippur this evening, many of us have a feeling of worry or even anxiety about how to achieve true Teshuva and G-d’s forgiveness and regarding our fate this coming year. How can we reconcile that feeling of fear with the happiness I discussed in my column last week?

In fact, I was privileged to give a shiur to our faculty members this past week and the topic was  משנכנס תשרי מרבין בשמחה “When the month of Tishrei begins, one increases rejoicing?!” Yes, the reader might notice that this quote is incorrect and the correct quote from .תענית כט is:

 מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אֲדָר מַרְבִּין בְּשִׂמְחָה.

Yes, I did take some poetic license- as my quote is found nowhere-  and I substituted Tishrei for Adar, but no, I did not make a mistake.  I am going to prove that משנכנס תשרי מרבין בשמחה- the month Tishrei, including Yom Kippur, is a month of happiness.  (I will choose some quick highlights of the shiur!) 

We generally think of Purim and Adar as the happiest times of year. Interestingly enough,  the Zohar points out that there is some connection between the  ימים נוראים themselves and Purim, as Yom Kippur is also called  יום כפורים- a day like Purim. Interestingly enough, there are two other commonalities between Purim and Yom Kippur- 

1.  In  the davening of both Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur we use  the word “ובכן”, “and so…” Avudraham points out that the word “ ובכן” was also used by Queen Esther as she prepared to go to go before King Achashverosh in Megillat Esther, 4:15-16: Then Esther said to reply to Mordechai: “Go assemble all the Jews that are to be found in Shushan, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day: And I, with my maids will fast also, and so (u’vchen)וּבְכֵ֞ן אָב֤וֹא אֶל־הַמֶּ֙לֶךְ֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר לֹֽא־כַדָּ֔ת וְכַאֲשֶׁ֥ר אָבַ֖דְתִּי אָבָֽדְתִּי׃

I will go to the king, though it is against the law: and if I perish, I perish.” As we stand            before Hashem, the Supreme king of kings, we begin with the same word that Esther used before standing before the human king, Achashveirosh.

2. Also, both Purim and the teshuva season of Yom Kippur both have a  גורל- a lottery. Purim has Haman’s lottery and Yom Kippur has the lottery choosing which goat is  שעיר לעזאזל  (pushed over a cliff as an atonement) and  שעיר לה   (sacrificed in the Beit HaMikdash)

 What is the connection between the happiest day of the year, and this most solemn time of the year? 

  . Teshuva has the same power of  ונהפוך הוא as typified in the megilla- the ability to turn it all around for the better, no matter how forgone things seem, which is a source of joy. 

Rabbi Immanuel Bernstein points out that the time period from  Elul (when the “teshuva season” begins) through Yom Kippur in particular is meant to represent Teshuva from joy and not fear.  He proves this from Rashi in Devarim 9:17.  Moshe went up to G-d twice after the sin of the golden calf. The first time, was from the 18th of Tammuz until the 29th of Av. Rashi there says that “G-d was reconciled with Israel.”  But, then for some reason he goes up another time and stays there for another 40 days- from the 1st of Elul until Yom Kippur. And, that time,

 בּוֹ בַיּוֹם נִתְרַצָּה הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לְיִשְׂרָאֵל בְּשִׂמְחָה On that very day, the Holy One, blessed is He, was joyfully reconciled with Israel, It was only on Yom Kippur when He forgave the Jewish people with joy. 

It is quite possible for a person to repent his sins, to the point that Hashem will not punish him, and yet still not reach a stage where he has reestablished any meaningful relationship with Him.

This corresponds to the middle set of forty days, where Hashem was reconciled toward Israel, but not yet truly happy with them. The focus of this type of teshuvah is more on “getting out of trouble” than it is on repairing one’s connection with the Divine. This is a reasonable depiction of a typical act of teshuvah done during the year.

The period beginning with Elul represents aiming toward something higher. It corresponds to the final set of days on Mount Sinai, which culminated in Hashem being “reconciled with us with joy,” and ready to resume His loving relationship with His people. Indeed, it was only after Yom Kippur that we were told to build the Mishkan, which is a demonstration of Hashem’s love through His Divine presence dwelling among us.

So, now that I have proven that Yom Kippur and the Teshuva season of Elul and Tishrei are times of joy, what are some practical ways we can not focus on the depression and fear and find that joy?  In my shiur, I highlighted four different psychological theories that allow us to find joy in Teshuva. I will focus on one this year. (And, save the rest for future years!) 

Growth Mindset And Teshuva: Dr. Carol Dweck in her book Mindset- The New Psychology of Success speaks about the difference between a growth mindset-   the ability to reframe perceived failures as opportunities to learn and grow versus the fixed mindset- the belief that your basic qualities, like your intelligence or talent, are static traits that cannot change or improve.  

And, so a person with a fixed mindset finds the season of Teshuva as depressing, sad and scary- I can never improve. I am constantly failing.  A person with a growth mindset believes that there is always a chance to improve and to grow- it’s never too late.  Here are some quotes from Dr. Dweck’s book explaining further why that is.

 “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.” And, so one does not feel disappointed or like a loser when one sins- we can always improve. 

“ …In the growth mindset, failure can be a painful experience. But it doesn’t define you. It’s a problem to be faced, dealt with, and learned from.”  So, just because I sinned in the past doesn’t mean I am evil, a sinner. 

“In the fixed mindset, everything is about the outcome. If you fail—or if you’re not the best—it’s all been wasted. The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome . They’re tackling problems, charting new courses, working on important issues. Maybe they haven’t found the cure for cancer, but the search was deeply meaningful.”  Even though I am constantly trying and not there yet- no need to give up and feel terrible about myself. 

 “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.” Often when we get to this Teshuva time of year we feel upset and dejected- I couldn’t do it last year- I couldn’t stick to it this year- why even bother! But, someone with a growth mindset believes in stick -to itive ness- and there is always a chance. 

“Becoming is better than being…The fixed mindset does not allow people the luxury of becoming. They have to already be.” It is okay to still be on the journey of Teshuva- as long as you are trying. 

 “Is there something in your past that you think measured you? A test score? A dishonest or callous action? Being fired from a job? Being rejected? Focus on that thing. Feel all the emotions that go with it. Now put it in a growth-mindset perspective. Look honestly at your role in it, but understand that it doesn’t define your intelligence or personality. Instead, ask: What did I (or can I ) learn from that experience? How can I use it as a basis for growth? Carry that with you instead.” We don’t feel depressed because of mistakes or sin. We need to see how failure can help us grow. 

 “When do you feel smart: when you're flawless or when you're learning?.. For them it’s not about immediate perfection. It’s about learning something over time: confronting a challenge and making progress.” That is what Teshuva is all about- it is a process, it is not easy and it need not be immediate.

 “Another way people with the fixed mindset try to repair their self-esteem after a failure is by assigning blame or making excuses.”  That is another reason why the time for Teshuva is so hard- we blame ourselves, we make excuses. Just admit failure is okay- no need to blame.

Dr. Dweck also speaks about the power of yet: “[I]f you get a failing grade, you think, I’m nothing, I’m nowhere. But if you get the grade ‘Not Yet’, you understand that you’re on a learning curve. It gives you a path into the future.” This attitude- the power of yet, allows us to remain more positive when attempting to do Teshuva.

The power of yet is seen in אבות ה:כג . It is the effort and the hard work,  not the achieving perfection that is the reward. בֶּן הֵא הֵא אוֹמֵר, לְפוּם צַעֲרָא אַגְרָא:Ben He He said: According to the labor is the reward. The reward stems from the effort, not the results.

Rabbi Dr. Yosef Lynn writes in his article. “Yet- A Jewish Perspective on Growth Mindset” As you navigate your own growth journey, remember: the path isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. Every challenge you face is an opportunity to choose: Will you see this as evidence of your limitations, or as a chance to expand your capabilities? And the next time you catch yourself saying “I can’t,” try adding that transformational word: “yet.” In that simple addition, you’ll find not just a change in language, but a change in possibility—and perhaps, a return to one of Judaism’s most fundamental truths: we are all works in progress, beautifully and eternally unfinished.

And, so, as we approach Yom Kippur in just a few hours, and engage in the process of Teshuva during this time of year, and every day, if we implement Dr. Dweck’s growth mindset and strategies we will hopefully, experience as Rav Kooks says in Orot HaTeshuva 16:3,  “ …the great happiness that a person should sense in himself, with great satisfaction, as a result of … when the spirit of sanctity and purity of repentance rests upon him…”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders looked at the Success Guide consisting of tips for success from last year’s sixth graders and chose some strategies they wanted to work on, and sealed them in an envelope to be opened at the end of the year.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed how the theme of their Advisory this year “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” can be applied to this season of the Yamim Noraim- starting with “self-change.” 

Eighth Grade: Students learned about the importance of grit and S.M.A.R.T. goals, and set some goals for the year which they scheduled to be emailed to them the day of graduation - to see how many of their goals they achieved. 

 

Happier New Year!

             In June, as the students waved goodbye and were off to their summer adventures, our faculty embarked on our own new adventure- on the Redhawks Read- Faculty Edition. Teachers were offered a selection of personal growth books suggested by administrators who also led discussion groups before starting the book and after reading the book over the summer, during the faculty in-service days last week.  I chose to lead my session utilizing the book Happier by Dr. Tal Ben Shahar and had the privilege of about 25 faculty members joining me. 

Why did I choose that book? I chose it so that faculty members could 1.  Work on improving their own happiness and 2. Work on improving the happiness of their students. (Both equally important!) 

I was introduced to the work of  Dr. Ben Shahar some years ago in 2011 when I was working on a shiur on Chanukah and parenting and hakarat hatov- recognizing the good. I began with a basic quote from Ben Shahar: In research done by Robert Emerson and Michael McCullough, those who kept a daily gratitude journal – writing down at least five things for which they were grateful- enjoyed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being. 

I then began reading his books, learning more from him. I then used his material to prepare for another shiur on Happiness. And, thus, the topic of my shiur was the “pursuit of happiness” words from our Declaration of Independence. How fitting as we celebrate 250 years of our country!  Note that it does not say “pursuit of life, pursuit of liberty and pursuit of happiness.” It only says “pursuit” in relation to happiness. While I am not an American history expert, to me it seems that achieving happiness is hard work, and one must actively pursue it. (Ben Shahar spends much time in his book discussing that “here on earth we need to work to be happy.”) 

Lo and behold, as I was preparing for my shiur, which of course would include some of Ben Shahar’s research, I came across an email in my inbox that Congregation Rinat Yisrael was hosting a book launch of the book An Ode to Joy- Judaism and Happiness in the Thought of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Beyond, a book of essays coedited by Erica Brown and Shira Weiss.  I then continued reading and saw that the guest speaker would be Dr. Tal Ben Shahar who wrote the forward to the book!!! .

As I left Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, I stood on-line waiting to speak to him and for an autograph on his book Happier.  When I approached him I shared that I am a psychologist in a school and I quote him often, utilizing his strategies in our Advisory curriculum, quoting him in my column,  and just the day before I quoted him at least 3 times in a shiur I gave in the Fair Lawn community. He wrote to me,  “Dear Aliza, Thank you for spreading joy and happiness in our world.”  I told him, we are all working on it! 

So, as we begin the school year, what can we as parents and educators do to bring more joy and happiness to our children- particularly when it comes to school? 

Ben-Shahar uses the imagery of four types of burgers to illustrate four different models of how people pursue happiness. 

1. The Junk Food Burger: It tastes great now, but hurts us later. That’s the Hedonist, chasing immediate pleasure without long-term direction.

2. The Cardboard Burger: Tastes terrible now, but it is healthy. That’s the Rat Racer, constantly suffering in the present for some future payoff.

3. The Worst Burger: Tastes bad and is unhealthy. That’s the Nihilist, who has given up present joy and future hope.

4. The Ideal Burger: Tastes delicious and is good for you. That’s the Happy Archetype—activities that give us present pleasure AND future meaning.

Ben Shahar says that unfortunately, many schools and parents unintentionally train students to become "rat racers"—people who sacrifice present enjoyment for the sake of future rewards (to achieve perfect grades, be in all honors classes, get into high school etc.) And, if that happens school then becomes a place dominated by anxiety, fear of failure and stress. Students then think that doing well on a test is true happiness. 

The solution to this problem is to ensure that we balance present benefit (enjoyment of the process), with future benefit (long- term growth and success). And, so we need to not only focus on tangible grades, but also on the passion and enjoyment of learning. When external rewards are the focus, intrinsic motivation fades. And, so we at Yavneh try to focus on not only what is necessary to learn but to also partner that with a process that is enjoyable to learn.  

As parents, we too need to focus on the excitement and enjoyment of learning with our children. Do we ask them questions about what they are learning just for the sake of discussing and noting how interesting we think what they are learning is, or do we only test them before an exam? We can even directly ask them each day, “Share something that you learned today,” and react with interest and follow-up questions. 

And Ben Shahar shared, “Instead of asking children 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'—which focuses on future status—we should ask 'What brings you joy right now?' and 'What do you love learning about?' The former conditions them to live for the future; the latter invites them to inhabit the present."  He also adds “Teachers and parents who model their own passion for learning, rather than acting as all-knowing authority figures, show children that education is an ongoing source of fulfillment, not a test to be passed."

In Avot 1:3 it states:

 אַל תִּהְיוּ כַעֲבָדִים הַמְשַׁמְּשִׁין אֶת הָרַב עַל מְנָת לְקַבֵּל פְּרָס, אֶלָּא הֱווּ כַעֲבָדִים הַמְשַׁמְּשִׁין אֶת הָרַב שֶׁלֹּא עַל מְנָת לְקַבֵּל פְּרָס

Do not be like servants who serve the master in the expectation of receiving a reward, but be like servants who serve the master without the expectation of receiving a reward…”

Ben Shahar warns against turning education into a "Rat Race" where learning is merely a transaction to get grades, high school admission, or status. Pirkei Avot offers the same advice against outcome-only living: if you study or act only for the "reward" ( פְּרָס), the process loses its sanctity and joy.  That is another way to look at the term תורה לשמה- learning for its own sake. When a child gets a test back we don’t run to ask “What grade did you get?” But rather, “What is the most interesting thing you discovered?” 

Ben Shahar also highlights the importance of not eliminating all struggle or difficulty. We need to focus on a growth mindset,  (Dr. Carol Dweck’s concept- which we have discussed often in this column)- where we frame setbacks and obstacles as opportunities for learning which leads to true self-esteem and satisfaction. This leads to building resilience and emotional well-being.

As parents, we too need to reframe setbacks as essential learning opportunities rather than proof of deficiencies. How do we react when our children come back with grades lower than we expected even after they have put in effort? And, as  parents we need to be sure not to step in and “do work”  for our children when they are struggling. Or, we can help them come up with a solution themselves. In a podcast I heard Dr. Ben Shahar say: 

In addition to willpower, you need way power. Way power is, 'Yes, I can, and here is how I'm going to do it. If that doesn't work, here is how I'm going to do it.' This is plan C, if that doesn't work." 

As it says in Megillah 6b:

אִם יֹאמַר לְךָ אָדָם: יָגַעְתִּי וְלֹא מָצָאתִי — אַל תַּאֲמֵן. לֹא יָגַעְתִּי וּמָצָאתִי — אַל תַּאֲמֵן. יָגַעְתִּי וּמָצָאתִי — תַּאֲמֵן

If a person says to you: I have labored and not found success, do not believe him. Similarly, if he says to you: I have not labored but nevertheless I have found success, do not believe him. If, however, he says to you: I have labored and I have found success, believe him.

Struggle is not proof of inadequacy. The work/labor is the source of growth. We need to praise productive struggles instead of stepping in and doing the work for them. 

One way to achieve the enjoyment of learning is what Ben Shahar shares from psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi who speaks about entering a state of “flow.” Flow is “a state of deep immersion where skill level matches the difficulty of the challenge.” If a task is too difficult it causes anxiety and if it is too easy it causes boredom. As educators we attempt to create assignments and instruction that hit the “sweet spot” between being too comfortable and too anxious.  

As educators we also try to include what Ben Shahar calls MPS (Meaning, Pleasure, Strengths) in the design of our lessons. Meaning- what brings a sense of purpose or importance to the students? Pleasure- what activities or topics do students enjoy? Strengths- what are the students’ natural talents and abilities.  Yes, students will at times need to learn things that they do not enjoy, but teachers do try to include pleasure as much as they can. And, relevance to their lives brings meaning. As Ben Shahar says, “When they study and they ask or are asked, 'So how is that relevant to your life? Where does it meet you?” brings meaning.  

As Shlomo HaMelech says  in Mishlei 22:6- חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֖נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ גַּ֥ם כִּֽי־יַ֜זְקִ֗ין לֹֽא־יָס֥וּר מִמֶּֽנָּה -Teach a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not turn away from it.  We need to discover what each child’s דרך is - his/her unique talents and capabilities and not force them into standard molds. 

 As parents, we need to help our children focus on their talents and abilities, and find opportunities for meaning,  (our Chesed Team is a great outlet for meaning!) in their academics and besides their academics.  Helping others not only brings meaning, but also improves one’s mood.  As Ben Shahar notes, “...help others, suddenly I shift from being helpless to helpful, and that we know is closely associated with the shift from hopeless to hopeful."  

As Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch says in  Nineteen Letters, Letter 11, "You are given strength not to hold it tight within yourself, but to pass it on... The more you give, the more you grow in your own inner capacity.” 

And, of course, before I end, let’s remember the quote from above that I used in the shiur in 2011: In research done by Robert Emerson and Michael McCullough, those who kept a daily gratitude journal – writing down at least five things for which they were grateful- enjoyed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being.  Asking our children daily to share something for which they are grateful will increase their happiness. 

As we begin the new school year and approach Rosh Hashana, may we help our children focus on intellectual challenge in their learning, along with present pleasure and meaning in order to experience a Happier New Year! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students were introduced to the goals of Advisory and the theme of the sixth grade curriculum:  “Do You Want To Succeed In Middle School?...Here’s How.” They got to know their Advisor and engaged in a getting to know you activity. 

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of 7th grade Advisory- “Prepare Yourself To Change The World,” and heard about the various projects they would engage in this year to put social emotional strategies into action. 

Eighth Grade:  Students were introduced to the theme of 8th grade Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh” and their Advisors and did a getting to know you activity.