It brings to mind the results of the World Happiness Report released a few weeks ago, where Israel (yet again!) despite war going on, ranked 8th in the world annual survey. The United States was 23rd. The United Kingdom 29th. France was 35th. And, unbelievably, those under the age of 25 ranked higher, despite having to be in the army. That same age group in the United States plummeted to 60th. Each year since 2021 Israel’s ranking has gone up. I have written about this phenomenon a number of times in my column. In previous years I discussed the impact of family ties, community, a sense of belonging, living with meaning and purpose, and giving to others as aspects that contribute to these high scores. This year, I want to focus on a different contributing factor.
Anat Fanti, a happiness policy researcher at the Program in Science, Technology and Society at Bar-Ilan University notes that interestingly enough, according to the report, Israel’s ranking for measures of worry, sadness and anger worsened significantly, moving from 119th place pre-October 7 to 39th in the world. So, how is it possible to be happy and have more worry, sadness and anger at the same time?
I believe we can gain some insight from the timing of Yom Haatzmaut in the Jewish calendar. First, Yom Haatzmaut comes right after Yom Hazikaron, a devastating day where we remember the loss of those who perished for the State of Israel. How is it possible to go from such sadness to happiness in a number of hours?
And, then we contemplate that we are in a time period of mourning- Sefirah- when we mourn the death of Rabbi Akiva’s students. We limit smachot, weddings etc. It feels inconsistent to have the celebration of Yom Haatzmaut during this mourning period. How is it possible to go from such sadness to happiness?
That is the definition of resilience. Resilience is not being happy when life is going wonderfully. Resilience is being happy when things are hard, worrisome and even sad.
This brings to mind the two famous stories of Rabbi Akiva- the model of resilience- from the Gemara. Story #1 is in Makkot 24a-b:
וּכְבָר הָיָה רַבָּן גַּמְלִיאֵל וְרַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר בֶּן עֲזַרְיָה וְרַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ וְרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא מְהַלְּכִין בַּדֶּרֶךְ, וְשָׁמְעוּ קוֹל הֲמוֹנָהּ שֶׁל רוֹמִי מִפְּלָטָהּ [בְּרָחוֹק] מֵאָה וְעֶשְׂרִים מִיל, וְהִתְחִילוּ בּוֹכִין, וְרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא מְשַׂחֵק. אָמְרוּ לוֹ: מִפְּנֵי מָה אַתָּה מְשַׂחֵק? אָמַר לָהֶם: וְאַתֶּם מִפְּנֵי מָה אַתֶּם בּוֹכִים? אָמְרוּ לוֹ: הַלָּלוּ גּוֹיִם שֶׁמִּשְׁתַּחֲוִים לַעֲצַבִּים וּמְקַטְּרִים לַעֲבוֹדָה זָרָה יוֹשְׁבִין בֶּטַח וְהַשְׁקֵט, וְאָנוּ, בֵּית הֲדוֹם רַגְלֵי אֱלֹהֵינוּ שָׂרוּף בָּאֵשׁ, וְלֹא נִבְכֶּה?! אָמַר לָהֶן: לְכָךְ אֲנִי מְצַחֵק, וּמָה לְעוֹבְרֵי רְצוֹנוֹ כָּךְ, לְעוֹשֵׂי רְצוֹנוֹ עַל אַחַת כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה.
And it once was that Rabban Gamliel, Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya, Rabbi Yehoshua, and Rabbi Akiva were walking along the road in the Roman Empire, and they heard the sound of the multitudes of Rome from Puteoli at a distance of one hundred and twenty mil. The city was so large that they were able to hear its tumult from a great distance. And the other Sages began weeping and Rabbi Akiva was laughing. They said to him: For what reason are you laughing? Rabbi Akiva said to them: And you, for what reason are you weeping? They said to him: These gentiles, who bow to false gods and burn incense to idols, dwell securely and tranquilly in this colossal city, and for us, the House of the footstool of our God, the Temple, is burnt by fire, and shall we not weep? Rabbi Akiva said to them: That is why I am laughing. If for those who violate His will, the wicked, it is so and they are rewarded for the few good deeds they performed, for those who perform His will, all the more so will they be rewarded.
Story #2:
שׁוּב פַּעַם אַחַת הָיוּ עוֹלִין לִירוּשָׁלַיִם, כֵּיוָן שֶׁהִגִּיעוּ לְהַר הַצּוֹפִים קָרְעוּ בִּגְדֵיהֶם, כֵּיוָן שֶׁהִגִּיעוּ לְהַר הַבַּיִת רָאוּ שׁוּעָל שֶׁיָּצָא מִבֵּית קׇדְשֵׁי הַקֳּדָשִׁים, הִתְחִילוּ הֵן בּוֹכִין וְרַבִּי עֲקִיבָא מְצַחֵק. אָמְרוּ לוֹ: מִפְּנֵי מָה אַתָּה מְצַחֵק? אָמַר לָהֶם: מִפְּנֵי מָה אַתֶּם בּוֹכִים? אָמְרוּ לוֹ: מָקוֹם שֶׁכָּתוּב בּוֹ ״וְהַזָּר הַקָּרֵב יוּמָת״, וְעַכְשָׁיו שׁוּעָלִים הִלְּכוּ בּוֹ, וְלֹא נִבְכֶּה
אָמַר לָהֶן: לְכָךְ אֲנִי מְצַחֵק
, בְּאוּרִיָּה כְּתִיב ״לָכֵן בִּגְלַלְכֶם צִיּוֹן שָׂדֶה תֵחָרֵשׁ״, בִּזְכַרְיָה כְּתִיב ״עוֹד יֵשְׁבוּ זְקֵנִים וּזְקֵנוֹת בִּרְחֹבוֹת יְרוּשָׁלִָם״. עַד שֶׁלֹּא נִתְקַיְּימָה נְבוּאָתוֹ שֶׁל אוּרִיָּה הָיִיתִי מִתְיָירֵא שֶׁלֹּא תִּתְקַיֵּים נְבוּאָתוֹ שֶׁל זְכַרְיָה, עַכְשָׁיו שֶׁנִּתְקַיְּימָה נְבוּאָתוֹ שֶׁל אוּרִיָּה – בְּיָדוּעַ שֶׁנְּבוּאָתוֹ שֶׁל זְכַרְיָה מִתְקַיֶּימֶת. בַּלָּשׁוֹן הַזֶּה אָמְרוּ לוֹ: עֲקִיבָא נִיחַמְתָּנוּ, עֲקִיבָא נִיחַמְתָּנוּ.
The Gemara relates another incident involving those Sages. On another occasion they were ascending to Jerusalem after the destruction of the Temple. When they arrived at Mount Scopus and saw the site of the Temple, they rent their garments in mourning, in keeping with halakhic practice. When they arrived at the Temple Mount, they saw a fox that emerged from the site of the Holy of Holies. They began weeping, and Rabbi Akiva was laughing. They said to him: For what reason are you laughing? Rabbi Akiva said to them: For what reason are you weeping? They said to him: This is the place concerning which it is written: “And the non-priest who approaches shall die” (Numbers 1:51), and now foxes walk in it; and shall we not weep?
Rabbi Akiva said to them: That is why I am laughing, as it is written, when God revealed the future to the prophet Isaiah…In the prophecy of Uriah it is written: “Therefore, for your sake Zion shall be plowed as a field, and Jerusalem shall become rubble, and the Temple Mount as the high places of a forest” (Micah 3:12), where foxes are found. There is a rabbinic tradition that this was prophesied by Uriah. In the prophecy of Zechariah it is written: “There shall yet be elderly men and elderly women sitting in the streets of Jerusalem” (Zechariah 8:4). Until the prophecy of Uriah with regard to the destruction of the city was fulfilled I was afraid that the prophecy of Zechariah would not be fulfilled, as the two prophecies are linked. Now that the prophecy of Uriah was fulfilled, it is evident that the prophecy of Zechariah remains valid. The Gemara adds: The Sages said to him, employing this formulation: Akiva, you have comforted us; Akiva, you have comforted us.
In both stories, after the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash, Rabbi Akiva laughed when seeing foreigners in the Holy City sacrificing to idols and seeing a fox wandering in the place with the Beit Hamikdash used to be, while everyone else was sobbing. He was able to see the positive side despite the tragedy. Rabbi Akiva saw the bright side of the situation: If G-d rewards sinners for their few good deeds, how much more so to us. If the prophecy which predicted the destruction came true, then the prophecy which predicted the redemption will also come true as well!
And, we see Rabbi Akiva’s ability to bounce back and remain positive despite difficulty in the Gemara in Yevamot 62b
“When Rabbi Akiva’s students died and the world was desolate, he got up and went to the south of Eretz Yisroel and started over again!”
In the words of Rabbi Yissochor Frand:
It seems evident that Rabbi Akiva had unbelievable resilience. He was the type of person who, despite experiencing the biggest disaster, could find something positive within that disaster, providing him with the ability to continue onward. He had an incredible ability to be able to evaluate the worst of situations and believe that “all is not lost”.
This is the same Rabbi Akiva who was known to have said as it states in Berachot 60b, ״כׇּל דְּעָבֵיד רַחֲמָנָא לְטָב עָבֵיד״ Everything that God does, He does for the best. (The Gemara continues to describe how Rabbi Akiva tried to go to a “hotel” and they told him they had no room- and instead of getting frustrated he proclaimed “All that Hashem does is for the best. And he slept in a field with his rooster, donkey and candle. Wind extinguished the candle, a cat ate the rooster and a lion ate the donkey and he still proclaimed “All Hashem does is for the best.” That night an army came and took the city into captivity, but since he was alone with no light, and no noisy animals to give away his location, he was saved).
Rabbi Akiva modeled for us the constant gratitude and positive attitude- even in tough times. He had the ability to see the cup half full and not half empty. Saul Singer and Dan Senor write in their book The Genius of Israel: The Surprising Resilience Of A Divided Nation In A Turbulent World that “Israelis have a Thanksgiving dinner every Friday night and show their gratitude.” The ability to count your blessings, even when things are hard can contribute to happiness despite tough times. ( A reminder about my reference to this a few weeks ago: Dr. Ben Shahar also speaks about an assignment he gave his graduate students- keeping a gratitude journal. In research conducted by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough writing down at least five things for which one is grateful each day will increase happiness levels. Gratitude is one key to happiness. In Hebrew gratitude is הכרת הטוב which in essence means “recognizing the good.” The first step to achieving happiness is recognizing the good that we have. We focus on the cup half full, which logically leads to unhappiness. We often don’t even notice all the good in our lives).
But, somehow, going through tough times, ironically, helps a person be happier. Lori Gottleib in her article, How to Land Your Kid in Therapy Why the obsession with our kids’ happiness may be dooming them to unhappy adulthoods. A therapist and mother reports, notes:
I began to wonder: Could it be that by protecting our kids from unhappiness as children, we’re depriving them of happiness as adults?
I have quoted numerous times psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Dr. Viktor Frankl’s Man Search For Meaning. In her article “There’s More To Life Than Being Happy” Emily Esfahani Smith points out the difference between Frankl’s generation and Americans today. Our culture is more focused on the search for individual happiness. Todd Kashdan, in his article “The Problem With Happiness” adds, But there is a not-so-hidden problem. The United States is obsessed with happiness (same goes for a number of other countries in the world). There are cultural pressures to be happy. Ironically, what they found is that as people place more importance on being happy, they become more unhappy and depressed. The pressure to be happy makes people less happy. Organizing your life around trying to become happier, making happiness the primary objective of life, gets in the way of actually becoming happy.
And, so perhaps the secret to the happiness they experience in Israel (along with the family ties, community, a sense of belonging, living with meaning and purpose, and giving to others referenced above) is the ability to survive being unhappy. As Dr. Douglas Newton says in his article “Parents, Your Children Shouldn’t Be Happy All The Time” However, it is important for our children to not be happy. Yes, you read that right! Children need to feel a wide range of emotions as they grow up that are quite far from happiness. Feelings like sadness, fear and disappointment. In fact, a recent study looked at the emotional range of 37,000 people and found that those who experience “emodiversity,” an abundant range of emotions, have better mental health, decreased depression, better physical health and know how to handle a wide range of behavioral situations.
As parents, we are tempted to jump in, solve their problems and do whatever it takes so our children are happy and never face disappointment. Why do we do this? Adina Soclof notes, in her article “Raising Happy Kids By Letting Them Be Sad”
So why do parents do this? Because deep down we think it is our job to keep our kids happy all the time and protect them from the vicissitudes of life. We also tend to equate our child’s happiness with being a good parent. When we work from this baseline we become enmeshed in our kids’ angry moods. We cannot stand to see our children distressed or disheartened.
We are missing the point. Our job as parents is not to make our kids happy all the time, but it is to teach them ways to manage the inevitable ups and downs of life. When we let them experience upset in small things in life, they will gain the tools to handle the big issues in life. We thereby prevent fragility by not rushing it to fix everything. They then develop coping skills. We allow them to be upset, be frustrated and let them experience the discomfort of failing or losing.
Children need to find their own ways to deal with life’s bumps, and to pursue happiness and satisfaction in life. Not allowing them to be sad robs them of that opportunity. Giving them the space to feel and manage the rough spots they are experiencing provides your children valuable lessons in conquering life’s challenges with grit.
So, that is the lesson of Yom Hazikaron leading into Yom Haatzmaut. That is the lesson of Yom Haatzmaut celebrated during Sefirah. The ability to be sad, but still find happiness. It is the lesson of Rabbi Akiva that modern-day Israelis have incorporated into their lives. Life can be tough, there will be struggles, but I can be an optimist with resilience and grit. The only way to truly achieve happiness is by being able to remain positive during tough times.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students are finishing up their materials management unit.
Seventh Grade: Students have been educated about how to stand up for Israel and how to be “Upstanders.”
Eighth Grade: Students discussed their recent Holocaust play, Yom Hashoah and the lessons they can learn from the Holocaust in terms of how they treat others.
