We Will Dance Again!

  The season of Yamim Noraim is coming to a close, and we are all beginning to build our sukkahs- some even last night. As we go from a quite serious time of year to a festive one, as we know that regarding Sukkot it says ושמחת בחגיך - be happy in your holiday, it feels like a sudden change. How can we switch from one mode to another so quickly? Likewise, this year we know that Simchat Torah- known for its happiness, is a day when a terrible tragedy occurred.  On one hand “עוד נחזור לרקוד” We will dance again!  On the other hand, there is deep sadness. 

How do we switch to happiness? And, should we let go of the seriousness/sadness? As I had mentioned in my column last week, I joined a workshop by Ohel and one of the primary questions they asked was the dilemma on how to mark the day of October 7th. Do we rather put the focus on the horror, trauma and the tragedy so we do not risk losing what happened?  Or should we focus on the heroism and  poignant optimism?  

Rabbi Doron Perez, in his article “Broken Completeness” begins by sharing that the shofar was used for celebration- coronation of a king, and other occasions when the Jews were gathered to celebrate.  But we know that the word תרועה also means “a broken sighing sound.” On Rosh Hashana we celebrate with Yom Tov meals, but we don’t say Hallel. So, he wonders- is the shofar a sign of celebration or crying?  His answer is that “they are both at the very same time.”  The brokenness of Rosh Hashana is also a celebration. 

So, too with the word שבר. We normally think that the word שבר means broken. However,  In Bereishit 42:1 when Yaakov is sending his children down to Egypt to get food during a famine he says:

וַיֹּ֕אמֶר הִנֵּ֣ה שָׁמַ֔עְתִּי כִּ֥י יֶשׁ־שֶׁ֖בֶר בְּמִצְרָ֑יִם רְדוּ־שָׁ֙מָּה֙ וְשִׁבְרוּ־לָ֣נוּ מִשָּׁ֔ם וְנִחְיֶ֖ה וְלֹ֥א נָמֽוּת׃

Now I hear,” he went on, “that there are rations to be had in Egypt. Go down and procure rations for us there, that we may live and not die.”

In this case שבר is not broken or a painful word, but it is a solution to a crisis.  It means to acquire grain.  It means sustenance. And, Yoseph is called the משביר- the sustainer. Somehow the word שבר can mean broken and sustaining at the same time. 

And, likewise with the matzah from Pesach.  It represents לחם עוני- bread of our affliction which we ate as slaves, but also represents the bread we ate when leaving as it had no time to rise.  “By now, of course, we know the answer- it is the duality (and dichotomy) of human life…” 

Rabbi Perez points out that in Kohelet 3 it states  לַכֹּ֖ל זְמָ֑ן וְעֵ֥ת לְכָל־חֵ֖פֶץ תַּ֥חַת הַשָּׁמָֽיִם Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven. However, interestingly enough if you look at the pasukim, for example pasuk 4:

 עֵ֤ת לִבְכּוֹת֙ וְעֵ֣ת לִשְׂח֔וֹק עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד

A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time of wailing and a time of dancing.

Notice it doesn’t say “A time to weep or a time to laugh, a time of wailing or a time of dancing” - it says “and” - as if one weeps and laughs simultaneously or wails and dances at the same time. There are times in life when we do both. That is the state he calls “broken completeness.”  It is okay to celebrate, and to have sadness as well simultaneously.

In fact, Dr. Norman Blumenthal at the Ohel workshop stated that the ability to remember the sadness along with the happy times is a predictor of resilience. He referenced to a research study on the “oscillating narrative.” When children learn their family stories- their history-  including both happy and difficult “stories,” (oscillating between good and bad), it helps create a shared history, strengthens emotional bonds and helps them make sense of their experiences when something senseless happens- like October 7th. 

 Dr. Robyn Fivush, from Emory University where the study was conducted, states, ““When we don’t know what to do, we look for stories about how people have coped in the past….A horrific event happened on 9/11 for example; we were attacked. But we came together as a nation, persevered and rose back up together. Such narratives help build a shared capacity for resilience. That’s true for nations and it’s true for families…. We found that in families that talked in more coherent and emotionally open ways about challenging family events with 10- to 12-year-olds, the children coped better over the two-year period than in families telling less emotionally expressive and coherent stories about their challenges…Adolescents are especially hungry for these kinds of stories, she adds. “If they roll their eyes, so be it, they’re still listening,” Fivush says. “It’s the really mundane, everyday stories that reassure them that life is stable. It provides a sense of continuity, of enduring relationships and values. They need to know that they come from a long line of people who are strong, who are resilient, who are brave.The definition of who they are is not just something independent and autonomous, spun from nowhere. It’s embedded in a long, intergenerational family story.”  Ultimately, the goal is to help children construct a coherent story that validates their feelings while helping them think of resolutions. 

Some mistakenly think hiding sad circumstances from our children will help them be happier. But, in essence, when difficult situations inevitably happen to them, they will have no “oscillating narrative” from which to gain strength. 

And, so when we speak about Simchat Torah/October 7th and still maintain happiness, we show them that we can be sad, but still continue and endure. We should note the sadness, but engage in the happiness at the same time. We speak of the tragedy, but also focus on the strength of the Jewish people- to move on, to laugh, to have Emunah, to be united and yes…to dance again.

We will be happy, but we will always remember.  As Lesli Koppelman Ross writes in her article, “The Importance of Remembering,” “It is memory that has allowed us to last through thousands of years of history. Our religion and our people are founded on the collective memory of revelation at Sinai. Scripture throughout commands us to remember: Remember the Sabbath day (Exodus 20:8), observe the Sabbath as a reminder of the Creation (Exodus 20:11) and of the Exodus (Deuteronomy 5:15); remember, continually, the Exodus; remember what the evil Amalek did… All those memories define us and help us keep focused on the goal of our national mission. As the Baal Shem Tov (the founder of [Hasidism]) taught, “Forgetfulness leads to exile while remembrance is the secret of redemption.” 

In fact, as Mendel Kalmenson points out in his article “History Or Memory?”, in Hebrew, there is no word for “history,” as the word “הסטוריה” is clearly straight from the English, which was from the Greek.  He points out that the absence of the word in the Hebrew language indicates that there is no such thing as “history” in Judaism, rather there is זכרון- remembering, found numerous places in Tanach and Jewish thought. “It goes far beyond semantics, cutting straight to the core of Judaism’s perception of the past.  You see, “history” is his-story, not mine. The first two letters of “memory,” however, spell me. Memory is a part of me, and history, apart from me Without me there is no memory.  Put differently: History is made up of objective facts, and memory of subjective experience.”

And, so, Kalmenson continues, that Judaism is not interested in recalling dry facts, but rather in “reliving” experiences.  That is why there is so much reenactment in Judaism. We don’t just commemorate, we remember. We don’t just recount someone else’s story, we relive our own. Some noted examples, the seder, sitting in the sukkah, sitting on the floor on Tisha B’av or staying up all night on Shavuot.  Kalmenson continues to explain that revelation at Har Sinai itself substantiates this “memory.” We were all present at Har Sinai- all present and future souls.  This is different from other religions where G- d only reveals Himself to the prophet, upon whom they must trust to relay exactly what he heard. G-d was not simply the G-d of our fathers, but rather the G-d that we each heard from ourselves.  In Judaism every person- to the lowliest servant- heard G-d. And, G-d addressed each one of them, “Anochi Hashem Elokecha” - and not elokeichem.  As each one of us lived the event at Har Sinai, “it turned our nation’s most seminal event into a living memory as opposed to a lifeless history.” 

As we spend hours building, decorating and living in our sukkot, we are in fact reliving the experience of the Jewish people living in the desert- where Hashem took care of them.  Despite their living in flimsy shacks- Hashem protected them with the ענני הכבוד- the clouds of glory. The Vilan Gaon questions then why do we not celebrate Sukkot right after Pesach, in Nissan? Isn’t that when the Jews entered the desert? He explains that in essence Sukkot actually commemorates that after Cheit Haegel- the sin of the golden calf- the clouds of glory returned as Hashem forgave them.  That is why we celebrate Sukkot on the 15th of Tishrei. Hashem forgave us on the 10th (Yom Kippur) and then their relationship was reborn and the clouds returned. 

We as Jews consider the oscillating narrative of the hard times that our ancestors experienced living in sukkot in the desert, and the happiness and security of Hashem taking care of them. It was hard, but they picked themselves up and in unity they felt the closeness of Hashem.  And, because of that memory we know that as we celebrate Simchat Torah this year, we are going through hard times, like our ancestors before us, but we too will pick ourselves up and in unity עוד נחזור לרקוד- We will dance again!! 

Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on organization.

Seventh Grade: Students continued learning key elements to good communication.

Eighth Grade: Students continued discussing the elements that go into the high school decision.

Man's Search for Meaning- Aseret Yimei Teshuva and October 7th

            As we as a Jewish community approach October 7th and the 22nd of Tishrei what message can such a tragedy provide for our children?  And, what message can we all glean ourselves to help us during these days of Teshuva?  

Over Rosh Hashana I read  Rabbi Doron Perez’s article “Choosing The World We LIve In” in a booklet  published by Mizrachi Days of Awe In Times of War.  Rabbi Perez, who lost his son Daniel, z”l on October 7th in battle,  begins the article “There is one element of free choice that no one can ever take away from us and that is our ability to choose our thoughts…We have absolute free choice to choose our attitude in any given situation.” 

Rabbi Perez then continues to share that this concept is found in Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search For Meaning  (which I have quoted in this column before). Frankl, in addition to being a psychiatrist, was a Holocaust survivor.  In his book, he wrote of his days in Auschwitz and why certain camp inmates were able to “survive” - physically and emotionally. His overall theory was that finding meaning, even in suffering, is the reason they continued living, and that finding this meaning is a choice. 

I had read Frankl’s book some years ago. Frankl was the founder of “logotherapy” - stressing three main principles 1. Freedom of will. 2. Will to meaning. 3. Meaning of Life. The primary motivation for living is our will to find meaning in life, and only we have the ability to find that meaning, even when it is difficult.  “A man who let himself decline because he could not see any future goal found himself occupied with retrospective thoughts.” The ability to choose one’s attitude about in any given set of circumstances, says Frankl, can never be taken away.  “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread...they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…When we are no longer able to change a situation- just think of an incurable disease such on inoperable cancer- we are challenged to change ourselves.”  To continue finding meaning in life, one must have a goal and realize that life is still expecting something from him.  A man who knows “‘why’ for his existence, will be able to bear almost any ‘how’.” It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us.”

As I continued to read Frankl’s book, I continually said to myself, “This is so familiar! This is Torah’s view!” It is no coincidence! Rabbi Perez too sees the connection to Jewish thought and quotes the Gemara in Berachot 33b 

הַכֹּל בִּידֵי שָׁמַיִם, חוּץ מִיִּרְאַת שָׁמַיִם

 Everything is in the hands of Heaven, except for fear of Heaven.

Rabbi Perez says that this Gemara can mean  that everything that happens to us might be beyond our choice or control except for how we choose to react to what happens to us- our attitude. 

Rabbi Perez applies this concept of Frankl to the 163 days when he did not know what happened to his son. Was he being tortured? Was he alive?  “I realized very quickly that if I am unable to be intentional and proactive about my thoughts, they will get the better of me, paralyze me and destroy me.”

As we noted last week, Rosh Hashana is purposefully called the “head of the year” not the “beginning of the year.” According to Rabbi Perez, it is because “the head and mind are keys to understanding the essence of the day.”  We don’t spend any time detailing particular sins, as we do on Yom Kippur. Rosh Hashana and the Aseret Yimei Teshuva are meant to be days when we focus on our thinking, our “spiritual and mental paradigms and thought processes in preparation for the year ahead.”  What we think impacts on the reality that we see. 

This ability to change the way we think is an important skill for our children. We believe things should be a certain way, so we are disappointed and even angry when they are not. And, guess what? Things are usually not the way we plan!  If we do not have the ability to change, then we just fall apart when things don't go our way. We teach the students that this is called “reframing.” Reframing is a technique used to help create a different way of looking at a situation, person, or relationship by changing its meaning. Also referred to as cognitive reframing, it's a strategy used to help people  look at situations from a slightly different perspective.  The essential idea behind reframing is that a person's point-of-view depends on the frame it is viewed in. When the frame is shifted, the meaning changes and thinking and behavior often change along with it.

Rabbi Perez described how he chose rather than viewing reality as the glass half-empty he chose to see it as half- full. Quoting Steven Covey in his book The 7 Habits of HIghly Effective People-  between stimulus and response there is a gap and we live in that gap. “The things that happen to us- stimuli- need not elicit any automatic uncontrolled response. We have free choice to dig deep within ourselves and to choose our perspective on what happens to us and then to choose our attitude, response and course of action.”  

And, that is the difference between an egg and a super ball. In Advisory we do an activity where we take a bouncy ball and bounce it into the container. We point out to the students that the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. Then  we take the egg and throw it into the bucket. With an egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters. There are two types of people in life- raw egg people- who shatter when faced with an obstacle. Then there are super ball people- when they face an obstacle they bounce back.  We then share, after a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship.

Rabbi Reuven Bulka also substantiated Frankl’s theory as relating to Judaism as he wrote in an article in the the magazine Jewish Action right after Frankl’s death that “he would often tell Frankl that his book was very popular in the Yeshiva world.”  (And, also no coincidence that so many of the early psychoanalysts were Jewish, and that many of the most recent forms of successful treatment were created by Jewish psychologists).  Bechira chofshit- free choice and the ability of man to overcome his Yetzer Hara is the mainstay of this theory.  Frankl says, “Certainly man has instincts, but these instincts do not have him….In other words, there must have been freedom of decision. We are concerned above all with man’s freedom to accept or reject his instincts.” He similarly asserts the power of man over his environment, and one’s attitude towards the environment.  And, a life in which man simply pursues pleasure has no meaning. As it says in Avot 3:15 

הַכֹּל צָפוּי, וְהָרְשׁוּת נְתוּנָה, וּבְטוֹב הָעוֹלָם נִדּוֹן. וְהַכֹּל לְפִי רֹב הַמַּעֲשֶׂה:

Everything is foreseen, and freewill is given, and with goodness the world is judged. And all is in accordance to the majority of the deed.

 One way that Frankl says that we can discover meaning in life is through “doing a deed.” Rabbi Jonathan Sacks in his article “The Pursuit of Meaning” writes, “Frankl used to say that the way to find meaning was not to ask what we want from life. Instead we should ask what life wants from us. We are each, he said, unique: in our gifts, our abilities, our skills and talents, and in the circumstances of our life. For each of us, then, there is a task only we can do. This does not mean that we are better than others. But if we believe we are here for a reason, then there is a tikkun, a mending, only we can perform, a fragment of light only we can redeem, an act of kindness or courage or generosity or hospitality, even a word of encouragement or a smile, only we can perform, because we are here, in this place, at this time, facing this person at this moment in their lives.

‘Life is a task’, he used to say, and added,’The religious man differs from the apparently irreligious man only by experiencing his existence not simply as a task, but as a mission.” He or she is aware of being summoned, called, by a Source. “For thousands of years that source has been called God.”

Today, on Tzom Gedaliah, I watched a Webinar by Ohel “Resilience and Resolve-Persevering Through An Ongoing War.” One of the speakers, Dr. Aviva Goldstein, a therapist in Israel spoke and shared that she thinks the teens are going to be okay.  “When October 7th Came- we stayed afloat because of kids- in youth groups and schools- they just leapt into action.  Middle School and high school leapt into action. They were the ones who started all the initiatives- babysitting,  making sandwiches for chayalim etc. It took a week or two for the adults to step in. It was and is incredible to see the strength of Israeli youth. Their ability  to engage in the not- okay is going to make them okay.”  The deeds that these young Israelis are doing give them meaning  and hope. 

Rabbi Bulka highlights that according to Frankl life is not judged quantitatively, but qualitatively. As Frankl said, “It is not from the length of its span that we can ever draw conclusions as to a life’s meaningfulness...The heroic life of one who has died young certainly has more content and meaning than the existence of some long-lived dullard. Sometimes the ‘unfinished’ are among the most beautiful symphonies.” 

When one considers the “unfinished lives” of those who perished since October 7th one must remember the importance of the meaningful deed.  “And all is in accordance to the majority of the deed.” We know that generally speaking after a tragedy empowering children and adults to act and do something meaningful helps them feel more in control.  And, that is why our middle schoolers here at Yavneh have been engaged in so many projects to help support those impacted by October 7th…including themselves.  

As we commemorate the lives lost on October 7 and spend these 10 days of Teshuva in introspection, we need to prepare our thoughts and attitudes in reaction to the past and for the days ahead.  And, model this approach for our children.

We cannot always control that which happens around us or to us, but we can control our reactions and our actions after the fact. As Rabbi Perez so eloquently says, “We can try, despite the pain, to choose a path of hope and healing, light and life. Faith and beliefs impact perception which in turn impact our actions and performance. We indeed see the world not the way it is but the way we are.” 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth grade continued setting goals for the new year and highlighting potential strategies for success.

Seventh Grade: Students learned some skills needed for effective communication. 

Eighth Grade: Students began a discussion about what qualities they are looking for in a high school.