The Ability To Notice

This past Shabbat I read an article by Rabbi Hillel Goldberg, the editor and publisher of the Intermountain Jewish News, called “My Homeless Friends.”  The title struck me immediately, as we are just weeks away from our 7th graders' visit to the homeless shelter in Hackensack and in the process of wrapping up this unit on empathy.  Rabbi Goldberg describes how when he drives by certain intersections in the streets he often confronts homeless people asking for a handout. He is always sure to leave his home with some food packages, drinks or even articles of clothing just in case he comes across one of these people. 

Why does he do this? He shares:  First of all, I learn something. I learn not to judge. Take Pete… Okay, so here’s the first assumption many people make. These people with the cardboard signs don’t really need help. They’re sponging off undeserved sympathy. Why is Pete seeking help on a street corner if he can work? But Pete keeps talking. He says, “It’s been 22 months since my back surgery, and finally all of the bones have come into place, except for one, and I can do some work.” So much for unworthy judgments about unnecessary sponging…” 

Lesson #1- not to judge. Hopefully one we are relaying here at Yavneh.  

Rabbi Goldberg shared another reason- Rav Yisrael Salanter (d. 1883) founded a mussar movement to instruct us to treat others well. The first step is not to pass them by.  Lesson #2- not to pass by someone leaving him/her unnoticed. 

A few weeks ago I discussed empathy and feeling the pain of others,  and quoted the pasuk where the brothers admitted what they had done wrong in Bereishit 42:21:

 וַיֹּאמְר֞וּ אִ֣ישׁ אֶל־אָחִ֗יו אֲבָל֮ אֲשֵׁמִ֣ים ׀ אֲנַ֘חְנוּ֮ עַל־אָחִ֒ינוּ֒ אֲשֶׁ֨ר רָאִ֜ינוּ צָרַ֥ת נַפְשׁ֛וֹ בְּהִתְחַֽנְנ֥וֹ אֵלֵ֖ינוּ וְלֹ֣א שָׁמָ֑עְנוּ עַל־כֵּן֙ בָּ֣אָה אֵלֵ֔ינוּ הַצָּרָ֖ה הַזֹּֽאת׃

They said to one another, “Alas, we are being punished on account of our brother, because we looked on at his anguish, yet paid no heed as he pleaded with us. That is why this distress has come upon us.” 

In essence, they saw his pain and passed him by.  Not only didn’t they feel his pain…they did not even notice him. They literally just kept on walking. 

So, I take a few steps back. Before the empathy I discussed a few weeks ago that we want our children to have, we first need them to notice others. Dr. Zach Mercurio, in his article The Art and Science of Noticing Others: How to Become Better at Making People Feel Seen, stresses that noticing others is the “act of seeing someone’s uniqueness and showing an interest in their full life.” He discusses how miserable it feels to be overlooked and to feel invisible, and how wonderful it feels to be noticed- to be known. 

Mercurio continues that research shows that being noticed makes us feel like we matter and reduces the risks of anxiety and depression. Social psychologists Morris Rosenberg and Claire McCullough on the research on “mattering” (particularly when it comes to mattering to one’s parents), that “feeling noticed is the most elementary form of mattering.”  In 2018, study health insurer Cigna surveyed 20,000 Americans and found that 47 percent of respondents reported feeling “forgotten.” A study from global employee engagement company Reward Gateway found that 43% of employees feel “invisible.” Education Week quoted a study by Quaglia & Corso of more than 66,000 students in grades 6 through 12 and only  50% of the respondents thought their teacher would care if they were absent. Just 46 percent of students said they felt valued at school. (Yavneh Academy was not part of that study!) 

Feeling unseen and unnoticed can impact one’s self-esteem, decreases motivation and can lead, as noted above, to depression. Merucrio highlights the three steps to noticing another:

1. Ask about 2. Remember 3. Check-in on personal details.

And, noticing others is also about “ showing an interest in and nurturing others’ interests, regardless if those interests help you.”

And, the research indicates the negative impact on feeling “forgotten” (unnoticed/unseen).  Psychologists Laura King and Aaron Geise in their study “Being Forgotten: Implications for the Experience of Meaning in Life” asked women to participate in a group activity in a lab and then come back two days later. When they came back, the researcher said to some women “I don’t remember you being here. Are you sure you were here two days ago?” The other women were remembered by the researchers. Those who were forgotten and unknown, i.e. unnoticed, had lower self-esteem and a lower sense of meaning in their lives.

Psychologist Dr. Richard Weissbraud of the Making Caring Common Project writes of numerous ways to raise caring children. “Expand your child’s circle of concern.”  Why? 

Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is to help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.  

Children need to learn to notice and see people who are outside their immediate circle. 

How can we do this? We can do this by helping them learn to “zoom in, by listening closely, and attending to those” in both their immediate circle and those outside that circle. Some examples:

• Make sure your children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
• Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
• Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country. 

And, of course, as with any quality we want our children to gain, as parents modeling this “noticing/seeing” others is essential.  I grew up in a smaller shul and in my shul everyone said “Good Shabbos” to everyone. It didn’t matter if you were the president of the shul or a member who hardly ever made it there.  Now that I am living in a larger community with a number of shuls, I unfortunately see how many people pass me by on Shabbos without “noticing” me and saying “Good Shabbos.”   Let’s start there. We notice everyone in shul or on the streets. And, we should always make it a practice to say “Hello” to anyone we meet on the streets- even those not of the Jewish community. Everyone deserves to be seen.  

At Yavneh, I hope we are succeeding in making every child feel noticed and known. To me, that is the primary job of an educator. This past week, I attended the funeral and Shiva of Mrs. Marcy Stern, a”h, who was my Navi teacher in high school. I am sure that many of us can recall feeling “noticed” by a teacher and consequently you never forgot that feeling and what you learned with him/her.  Mrs. Stern truly inspired me to love Navi.  As recently as a few months ago I was in contact with her and shared with her that when I teach Navi to my students I hear her voice and try to emulate some of her teaching strategies. I learned Sefer Yirmiyahu with her. In פרק א, Hashem introduces Yirmiyahu to his mission: (א:ה)- 

בְּטֶ֨רֶם אֶצָּרְךָ֚ בַבֶּ֙טֶן֙ יְדַעְתִּ֔יךָ

When I had not yet formed you in the womb, I knew you

Hashem made it clear to Yirmiyahu that he was “known.” And, once Hashem convinces Yirmiyahu that he is ready for the job of prophet He asks him:

מָֽה־אַתָּ֥ה רֹאֶ֖ה יִרְמְיָ֑הוּ וָֽאֹמַ֕ר מַקֵּ֥ל שָׁקֵ֖ד אֲנִ֥י רֹאֶֽה:

What do you see, Jeremiah? And I said, "I see a rod of an almond tree." 

Hashem, from the moment of Yirmiyahu’s inauguration as נביא ,makes it clear to Yirmiyahu that part of fulfilling the mission of Hashem is the ability to “see.” 

And, Hashem responds encouragingly: 

וַיֹּ֧אמֶר ה' אֵלַ֖י הֵיטַ֣בְתָּ לִרְא֑וֹת

And the Lord said to me; You have seen well,

The ability to see well is what it takes to fulfill his mission. (And, if one reads on in the perek one sees that Hashem shows Yirmiyahu another object and asks him  מָ֥ה אַתָּ֖ה רֹאֶ֑ה again and this time he again sees well and sees a bubbling pot facing north). 

As parents and educators let us make the effort to make our children feel noticed and seen. And, we will continue to teach them how to see and notice others by pointing out to them מָ֥ה אַתָּ֖ה רֹאֶ֑ה over and over until they are able to make everyone they meet feel noticed. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a section on appropriate school behaviors. 

Seventh Grade:  As part of trying to make the plight of the homeless more ”relatable” students spoke about some practical scenarios in the Jewish community that might lead to members of our community struggling.

Eighth Grade: Students continued their unit on the changing parent-child relationship. 

Go Dark- A Yearlong Chanukah Practice

Chag Sameach! As we celebrate the last night of Chanukah tonight and we proclaim Chag Urim Sameach- Happy Holiday of Lights- I want to remind you all to go dark!  Yes. You will still light the menorah, but you will “go dark” on your devices. As you know, we have had a campaign run by our Student Technology Advisory Committee- composed of 7th and 8th grade students- who have initiated a student- led campaign for students to go dark while the candles are lit. The best gift we can give our children on Chanukah is joining them and going dark ourselves too. As I saw in an advertisement in a Jewish magazine “Your presence is the ultimate gift. This Chanukah, bask in the glow of connection with those that matter most, free of distractions.” 

Additionally, by helping them “go dark” all year - i.e. putting some rules into effect all year in our homes about shut-down times, times where we don’t use devices and overall limits, we are giving them a daily gift. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. 

The government of Australia gave children an early holiday gift on November 21st.  Australia’s government recently voted to ban social media for children under age 16, even with parental consent, in their Online Safety Amendment Bill.  Social media companies have about a year to figure out how to prevent these children from having social media accounts or will have to pay heavy fines.  The Herald Sun asserts what is happening in Australia, and similarly in the United States.   “Teens spend up to 30% of their waking hours staring at screens, and 40 percent have mental health issues linked to social media. Kids’ brains are being rewired to need constant dopamine hits in the form of likes.”

Dr. Jonathan Haidt, famous for his book The Anxious Generation -How the great rewiring of childhood is causing an epidemic of mental illness,  notes in his After Babel weekly email that Australia is fixing two errors that were made in the United States by Congress in 1998 in the Children's Online Privacy Act.  The age for social media was set at age 13, and there was no obligation on the side of the social media company to verify the age.  Originally, their plan was to set the age at 16,  but social media companies lobbied so heavily that the age was lowered.

 Andrew Leigh, member of the parliament, did extensive research on the impact of social media on children before the bill was passed. He uncovered that “young people reporting a mental disorder rose by 40 per cent for males and 60 per cent for females. Self-harm hospitalizations rose 15 per cent for males and 43 per cent for females. Suicide deaths rose 23 per cent for males and 70 per cent for females.”  They know that these results are due to social media use due to self-report, but also due to “One natural experiment, for example, found that as Facebook rolled out across US university campuses, mental wellbeing among students declined. In randomized trials, akin to the approach used to test new pharmaceuticals, people who forgo social media tend to experience improvement in their levels of anxiety and depression.”

And, surveys by the office of the eSafety Commissioner done in 2020 asking young people about their online experiences in the last six months showed: forty-four percent of teens experienced at least one negative online incident, including being contacted by a stranger (30 percent), receiving inappropriate content (20 percent), being deliberately excluded from social groups (16 percent), or facing online threats or abuse (15 percent). 

I particularly related to Andrew Leigh’s discussion of schools who have banned smartphones (like we have!).  “One principal said: ‘I hadn’t anticipated the level of noise.’ noting that ‘There was laughter, people were actually interacting and socialising.’” Despite the Australian spelling- we could say the same thing. Kids are talking and socializing on the bus. After school, while waiting for practice they are enjoying each other’s company. We are seeing something we have seen for years now on Frost Valley- where there was no phone usage.  Kids are happier without their phones. Micah Goodman, writes in his book Broken Attention: How To Heal A World Fractured by Technology, “The more people are technologically connected, the more they feel psychologically lonely.” What originally seemed like a remedy for loneliness has had the opposite effect. 

Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up In Public- Coming of age in the digital world who once spoke to our Yeshivot in the area via zoom, shared a concern that with the age change social media companies will not feel any responsibility to monitor their content. We are thereby letting these companies “off the hook.”  And, of course, as she notes, despite age limitations in place,  it doesn’t take us- as educators and parents “off the hook” from educating, mentoring and training our children about safe-online use and what to do when encountering inappropriate content. 

I once read somewhere an interesting “redefinition” of the term גניבת דעת- which is the prohibition of deceiving another.  This author defined the term as “stealing our consciousness.”  Technology and devices are "stealing our consciousness." We go for a walk and we are on our phone, not paying attention to what is going on around us.  We are waiting with our children in a doctor’s office and instead of speaking to them, we are on our phones. We are not at all paying attention to what they are doing. When our children go to the houses of others to hang out, they are on their devices- not interacting the way they should. And, they run to play video games with each other- with some social interaction, but nothing compares to an old fashioned board game. In the article in the New Atlantis,  “The Tech Backlash We Really Need” by Michael Sacasas, he notes, “Our digital tools promise to monitor and manage, among other things, our relationships, our health, our moods, and our finances. When we allow their monitoring and submit to their management, we outsource our volition and our judgment.” Overuse of technology allows for our דעת to be stolen.  The ability to go dark and put away technology is our way of getting our דעת back! 

One more note, as we know some of our students may have had New Year’s get-togethers with friends.  We hope that many of our middle school students do not have social media, as our parent committee has endeavored to spread within our school. But, for those who still do,  let’s remind them of another area where they should “go dark” and not post photos of these or any other get-togethers. I will quote myself from a previous column some years ago:

Research from the 2015 study, #Being Thirteen: Social Media and the Hidden World of Young Adolescents’ Peer Culture, finds that, “Young adolescents care deeply about being included by peers, and at this developmental stage, most have one peer group on which they stake their souls: peers at school. If they see something on social media suggesting that they are not included in this group, the stakes are high and young adolescents can quickly become anxious and desperate.” Study data shows that “one in five (13-year-olds) checks social media in order to make sure that no one is saying anything mean about them. More than one-third check to see if their friends are doing things without them.”

What can we do as parents?  The first and most essential item is stress to your children how hurtful it is to other children when they are posting photos of an event to which others are not invited.  As adults, such posting can also be hurtful, how much more so for teens.  We also should model that “non-posting” behavior in front of our teens. When we are getting together with a select few, or our children are,  let’s not post.  Encourage your child to be an “upstander” and not be a part of the posting that perpetuates that FOMO.  

When our children do see that post and feel left out, acknowledge that it is normal to feel left out. Let us help our teens view social media with a skeptical eye. Of course, not everyone is having the time of their lives at all times.  Whatever we can do to distract our children from constant social media watching is a huge help.

And, to quote myself from another previous column: I know I have discussed this before, but it bears repeating.  Social media is a powerful tool when it comes to social exclusion.  Without directly being “mean” to another, one can hurt others.  Every time a child posts a photo of a party he’s gone to or a shopping expedition with friends, another realizes he was left out.  I am not saying that one is not entitled to go out with a few friends. But, why wound those who were not invited?   ‘I thought I was her friend. But, then I realized I must not be, as everyone was there except for me.’  How hurtful can one be?  We know that not everyone will be invited to every New Year’s party- but no need to rub the fact in the faces of the other children that they weren’t invited. 

Parenting or growing up in the digital age is not easy. But, going dark this Chanukah can encourage and remind us that we can set healthy limits. Amotz Asael, in his 2021 article The Digital Idolatry Challenges The Spirit of Hanukkah stresses for us that “the elements of the digital era’s threat, whose defeat will require the same conviction, courage and resolve that the Maccabees displayed 2,188 years ago.”  Chanukah teaches us that no matter how overwhelming a challenge might seem, we can overcome it and win. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders had the opportunity to practice the proper bar/bat mitzvah behavior and etiquette skills they learned in Advisory at the mock bar/bat mitzvah celebration during Chanukah.

Seventh Grade:  Students had the opportunity to implement some of the empathy skills they learned in Advisory when they visited the homeless shelter in Hackensack. 

Eighth Grade: Students continued their unit on the changing parent-child relationship during these adolescent years.