"I Think I Can...I Think I Can"

 Why are there times that as parents we cannot get our children to follow our advice and perhaps change their way of doing things? No matter how many times we show them how to clean their room or make those flashcards, they hardly ever say, “You’re right, Mom,”  and follow suit.  This is not a new phenomenon, but an age-old biblical dilemma.  

 Did you ever wonder why after 120 years of building an ark in public no one followed Noach and his family to repent and save themselves?  Not even one said, “You’re right, Noach,” and followed suit?  Some years ago I heard Rabbi Yaakov Neuberger quote one of his congregants who presented a possible explanation. As Noach was preaching and trying to get the people of his time to repent, he was still building that ark. He did not truly believe in the people and in their ability to repent.  All the while he was encouraging them to change and be better, by still building that ark he was expressing that he thought the coming of the flood was inevitable.  They knew that Noach did not believe in them.  And, they, consequently, did not believe in themselves, and were unable to change.

In essence, belief in oneself to achieve a goal, termed self- efficacy, is imperative for success in any field.  When a child does not believe in himself there is a sort of self- fulfilling prophecy where his beliefs about what he can accomplish can actually influence his behaviors in a way that make those beliefs come true.  As we discuss in our 7th grade Advisory unit on coping with adversity,  Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t...you're right.”    If a child does not believe he can do it, chances are he will not be able to, and vice versa. 

As the adults in our children’s lives we have a tremendous impact on that self- fulfilling prophecy.  If we believe they can do it, it helps them believe it too.  There is a psychological phenomenon that has been studied called the Golem effect where when people have lower expectations placed upon them they perform at a lower level. These effects can be seen in the classroom setting where teachers often have expectations that some children will achieve while others will not. In one study, where tutors were told that a child was either bright or not, those who believed the child was bright, “smiled more, had more direct eye gaze, leaned forward more, and nodded their heads up and down more…” The flip side of the Golem effect is the Pygmalian effect, where higher expectations lead to an increase in performance. Both of these effects are forms of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Cathy Domoney in her article “How The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Can Make Or Break Your Child” 

speaks about the language she uses with her own children when it comes to believing in them so that they believe in themselves.

 When my daughter was having trouble with mathematics, she believed she couldn’t do it. Her lack of confidence was blocking her from understanding, she shut down before she even began. I explained that in her head there were little doors and when she said “can’t,” the little doors shut and stopped her from learning. When she said, “I can and the answer is coming,” the doors would open. When she would speak negatively I would say, “Is that opening or closing those doors?” She would pause and consider it, roll her eyes at me and would become more mindful of her thoughts.

This was not a quick-fix. As you know yourself, when a negative thought takes hold it can be persistent, but it can be changed. We kept telling her how much better she was getting at math, regardless of the results. We told her how proud we were of her because she kept going. In time, her confidence increased, her belief in herself grew strong and she now approaches maths with a certainty that if she perseveres, she will get there. By us telling her how much she was improving, and saying that the teacher was saying the same things (which was not completely accurate), she began to believe that she could do it. I would also verbally remember how much I used to struggle in maths as a kid and I would announce how relieved I was that she took after her father with math! I planted a seed of belief that she inherited her Dad’s excellent math gene. I arranged math practice for her at home which was several levels lower than her ability (though she was unaware of this) in order to build-up her confidence. Even now, years later, I overhear her telling people that she takes after her Dad’s excellence in math. I just smile.

Domoney’s child believed that others believed in her. In turn, that self- fulfilling prophecy changed. It was now saying,  “I think I can do this…” and, so she did.  She believed in herself and the positive prophecy came true. That is the power of self-fulfilling prophecy and self- efficacy. 

But, there are times that children are actually not so good at something.  How can I express to them that I believe they can do it when I am not sure they can?  It simply speaks to changing the language we use when we critique them when they do seem to be struggling with a skill. As Adina Socolof says in her article, “The Self Fulfilling Prophecy of Labelling Your Kids”  that when we tell our children, “You are…(lazy, impatient, not good at math” they never seem to be able to shirk the label we have placed upon them. If my parents think that of me I must be. I might as well become that and not even try. “Oh no! You lost your keys! You will figure out how to be responsible for your keys. You will find a safe place to put them so that this does not happen again.”

This flips the negative statement into a more positive one. A child can then infer, “Oh, being responsible means finding a safe place for my keys. My mother thinks I can do this.”

Rebbetzin Chana Heller brings a poignant  example:

Parents are like a mirror, reflecting back their children's self-image. What your children see is what you'll get.

What do you really think about your child?

Usually, what we think about our children will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A klutz will be a klutz. A troublemaker will make trouble. I remember a woman telling me how she was having difficulties in math when she was in elementary school. Her mother said to her, "No one in our family is good in math. I wasn't good at math, your father wasn't good at math, your sister isn't good in math. No wonder you're having a hard time. I'm sure you'll be good at something else." How much of a chance did she stand to do well in math?

Rather, say something like,  “I know this math doesn’t come easy, but you are such a hard worker and so great at taking notes that you can do it.” 

Our children sense everything we think about them. We reflect back to them who we think they are, and they take it in as the absolute truth. They will only say “I think I can. I think I can,” if we think they can. 

It is primary to let our children know how much we enjoy them and how much pleasure they give us.  That is what we should generally be projecting when we are with them. 

If only Noach had said to them, “You can do it. I know you can.  It will be hard, but you have it in you,” perhaps they would have changed.  Instead, when the people looked at Noach they saw a reflection of themselves as those who never listen and are too far gone to repent.  If only Noach had believed in them, they would have believed in themselves. 

As Rabbi Neuburger ended, each morning when we awake and say Modeh Ani, we end with the words, “Rabba emunatecha” - great is Your faith.  Great is G-d’s faith? We are the ones who should have the faith. But, no. Each day we are able to wake and face the day with hope and optimism because we know G-d has faith in us- His children.  So, too we, as parents, need to have faith in our children and help them see that we believe in them, so they can face the day with optimism and belief in themselves. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Our Sixth graders began their Time Management unit as part of their- SOS Sessions-  Student Organizational Skills. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the importance of communication and began learning some essential communication skills.

Eighth Grade: Students learned some essential interview skills.

A Time To Wail And A Time To Dance

  Right before we entered Chag HaSukkot Rabbi Knapp circulated an article that I wrote for my shul Torah Journal: סוכות :עת לבכות ועת לשחוק - Sukkot- A Time To Cry and A Time to Laugh.  (Shout-out to Rabbi Schreiber who is one of the editors of the journal). Those words, from Kohelet 3:4, also state,  עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד׃ - a time to wail and a time to dance,  were lived by us this past Simchat Torah, and this past Friday in the middle school. We had a program on Friday which memorialized those who have passed since October 7th, which ended with festive dancing celebrating the return of the hostages. It was incredible to see our students being able to be seriously contemplative and then festive moments later. 

Just to summarize a component of the article, (for those who did not have the chance to read it), Rabbi Doron Perez points out that in Kohelet 3 it states  לַכֹּ֖ל זְמָ֑ן וְעֵ֥ת לְכָל־חֵ֖פֶץ תַּ֥חַת הַשָּׁמָֽיִם Everything has an appointed season, and there is a time for every matter under the heaven. However, interestingly enough if you look at the Pasukim, for example Pasuk 4:

 עֵ֤ת לִבְכּוֹת֙ וְעֵ֣ת לִשְׂח֔וֹק עֵ֥ת סְפ֖וֹד וְעֵ֥ת רְקֽוֹד

A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time of wailing and a time of dancing.

Notice it doesn’t say “A time to weep or a time to laugh, a time of wailing or a time of dancing” - it says “and,” as if one weeps and laughs simultaneously or wails and dances at the same time. There are times in life when we do both. That is the state Rabbi Perez calls “broken completeness.”  It is okay to celebrate and to have sadness simultaneously. (Feel free to read the article for more details!) 

I then referenced a presentation by Dr. Norman Blumenthal  in a workshop by Ohel last year addressing the question how to mark the day of October 7th. Do we rather put the focus on the horror, trauma and tragedy so we do not risk losing what happened?  Or should we focus on the heroism and  poignant optimism?  Dr. Blumenthal stated that the ability to remember the sadness along with the happy times is a predictor of resilience. He referenced a research study on the “oscillating narrative.” When children learn their family stories- their history-  including both happy and difficult “stories” (oscillating between good and bad), it helps create a shared history, strengthens emotional bonds and helps them make sense of their experiences when something senseless happens like October 7th. 

 Dr. Robyn Fivush, from Emory University where the study was conducted, states, “When we don’t know what to do, we look for stories about how people have coped in the past….A horrific event happened on 9/11 for example; we were attacked. But we came together as a nation, persevered and rose back up together. Such narratives help build a shared capacity for resilience. That’s true for nations and it’s true for families…. We found that in families that talked in more coherent and emotionally open ways about challenging family events with ten to twelve year-olds, the children coped better over the two-year period than in families telling less emotionally expressive and coherent stories about their challenges…Adolescents are especially hungry for these kinds of stories, she adds. “If they roll their eyes, so be it, they’re still listening,” Fivush says. “It’s the really mundane, everyday stories that reassure them that life is stable. It provides a sense of continuity, of enduring relationships and values. They need to know that they come from a long line of people who are strong, who are resilient, who are brave.The definition of who they are is not just something independent and autonomous, spun from nowhere. It’s embedded in a long, intergenerational family story.”  Ultimately, the goal is to help children construct a coherent story that validates their feelings while helping them think of resolutions. 

Some mistakenly think that  hiding sad circumstances from our children will help them be happier. But, in essence, when difficult situations inevitably happen to them, they will have no “oscillating narrative” from which to get strength. 

Before we solidify any programs since October 7th, the programming team sits with the guidance team and the rest of the administration to ensure that programs are developmentally appropriate.  We consciously felt it was important for the students to feel developmentally appropriate sadness, and then the celebration. And, so when we spoke about a program to commemorate October 7th and we still maintain happiness, we show them that we can be sad, but still continue and endure. We should note the sadness, but engage in the happiness at the same time. We speak of the tragedy, but also focus on the strength of the Jewish people- to move on, to laugh, to have Emunah, to be united and yes…to dance again. 

And, boy, was Friday’s program a perfect example of that “oscillating narrative” as the students were serious, but then danced with all their soul. 

Dr. Marshall Duke, from Emory University,  conducted research about the importance of knowing your family story. Children should know “Where did your grandparents grow up? Do you know the story of your birth?” He stressed that the type of family storytelling that is most important is that "oscillating narrative.” Knowing your family story- including all the challenging times and successes- builds a sense of identity and resilience and belief in the strength of their families. Children then get the message that we have ups and downs- but we have strengths that help us stick together. 

This past Shabbat I went to hear a shiur by Rabbi Moshe Benovitz. Rabbi Benovitz noted that the Israelis that he speaks to about the war since October 7th tend to be more optimistic than the Americans. Somehow, because they are living this oscillating narrative they are able to find more strength. 

Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush developed a scale called “Do You Know?” It asks children to answer 20 questions.Including for example some of the questions I noted above, “Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your parents went to high school? Do you know about an illness that happened in your family? Etc.” The higher the scores were, the higher their sense of control over their lives,and  the higher their self-esteem. High scores were the best predictor of emotional health and happiness. Dr. Duke says it has something to do with feeling that you are part of a “larger family.” That would be a possible explanation of Rabbi Benovitz’s insight- in Israel they feel they are part of a larger family. 

In Judaism in general, we have what Duke calls an  “intergenerational self” and a feeling we are part of something larger than ourselves. As we began reading Sefer Bereishit this past week, we feel, We are part of the family to whom this story happened. We are related to all the characters in Tanach. Throughout Tanach there are definitely ups and downs.  But, the stories  we learn- in both our family stories and our national stories- show how one can bounce back from difficult times.

As parents, let us take out those old photo albums (does anyone have those anymore?) and talk about the previous generations. That is the best way to relay the oscillating narrative to our children.  And, that is why here at Yavneh we focus in the 8th grade on children learning about the Holocaust and their personal Holocaust stories. 

Last year, as you might recall, when the hostages were released a group of seventh graders created a “Wall of Celebration” with photos of the hostages who were let free. Those students are currently working on adding the recently freed  hostages to that wall. But, they asked me if they can also have a section for those who did not come out alive. Absolutely. As I said above, “ It is okay to celebrate and to have sadness simultaneously.” 

As we embark on a new year, may this year be full of more happy times than sad times, and with the ability to bounce back when needed!