Lessons From The Super Bowl And Super Kids!

It’s that time of year again- my post-Super Bowl column. Each year I consider lessons that we can learn from the big game. I learned much from the game this year. 

The first thing I learned is that our kids are amazing!  Well, I didn’t exactly learn that from the game itself, but rather from attending a Super Bowl party- does that count as learning something from the Super Bowl?  I had the privilege of attending the Yachad Super Bowl Bash with almost 20 of our students.  Kayla Blumenfeld, who coordinated the party and is a Yavneh graduate!, shared with me that so many of the Yachad members’ siblings were invited to parties and they never were themselves. They ran their first Super Bowl party last year.  Yachad members said that for the first time they felt like everyone else on Super Bowl Sunday. They felt like they belonged.  

            Weeks ago we had been discussing the idea of a way to make sure all at Yavneh students feel like they belong on Super Bowl Sunday. And, then it hit me!  What if we reach out to Yachad to do a Super Bowl party with them? It is a great opportunity for those who don’t yet have plans and even those who do, to do something fun and fulfilling on that Sunday.  When I called Kayla she told me about the party they started last year and that she would love to have Yavneh students.  

I proudly watched how our students (and alumni) interacted with the Yachad members, playing limbo, musical chairs, freeze dance and simply watching the game.  Some of the students had plans that night but were delaying going to friends until after halftime, when the Yachad event would be over. Others made this event their plans for the evening, stating that chesed is a priority in their lives. 

While seeing the smiles on their faces I saw evidence of that  good feeling one often feels after doing chesed called the “helper’s high.”  Our brain actually releases endorphins- the feel-good chemicals in our brains, when we do something for someone else. Interestingly enough, Jessica Cotney, from the University of Sussex, presented research that even just reflecting on having been kind in the most month improves a teenager’s mood!  So, the next time your teen is in a grumpy mood, get her off the couch to do something good for someone. 

The second lesson I learned from the Super Bowl was, as Sally Jenkins from the Washington Post noted, “The lasting lesson of this Super Bowl- failure is necessary.” “There were failures all over the Super Bowl field. They were everywhere you looked, the losers, drifters and discards.  There were the guys who went undrafted, the guys who had been cut or traded or lowballed.  There were the coaches who knew how it felt to be fired.  What that should tell you is to never underestimate the virtues of failing.” Coach Andy Reid had finished every single postseason as a head coach with a loss, but he always came back for more, “willing to experience the radiological exposure of failure.”  This is Reid’s first championship after 21 years of trying.  His team was down by 10 early in the fourth quarter, but he did not give up. Jenkins points out that more than a quarter of the players were considered unworthy at one point in their careers as there were 28 undrafted free agents in the game. We learn from the Chiefs not to give up, even when failure may be approaching, or one has confronted failure in the past.   As Winston Churchill said, “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”  In order to be able to win, you have to be able to lose.  More importantly, one needs to lose without losing heart, as Jenkins says.  

We know that negative experiences of failure are more common in life for most.   Sports has much to teach us when it comes to failure. “You can’t improve something until you’ve stressed it.”  First one needs to find one’s weaknesses. Only then can you improve them.  But, the experience of finding one’s weakness can be quite devastating.  The same is true in engineering and science. Often one must break things or fail in order to uncover a breakthrough. Thomas Edison was known for this truth. In our Advisory class, our 7th graders learn the secret to resiliency and bouncing back from failure.  Thomas Edison is used an example as he is known for his grit. He is famous for his quotes such as, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” Or, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 100,000 ways that won’t work.”  Or “I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”  It is all in the perspective. 

The secret is “the ability to patiently diagnose and learn” after failure. It is not just about the ability to keep trying that determines success, but to keep trying in an organized, structured, thought out way. One needs to decide which changes will make a difference and have the courage to try them. That is what the Chiefs had. Last year they were so close. Reid told them they were just “four inches off..and we decided we could all do four inches better.” 

In the past, I have quoted the famous acronym that F.A.I.L. means "First Attempt In Learning.” I recently heard that the end is not the end, in fact, E.N.D. means "Effort Never Dies"; If you get No as an answer, remember N.O. means "Next Opportunity." 

Shlomo HaMelech states in Mishlei 24:16,

“A righteous person falls seven times and gets up.”  These failures apply to all areas of life, including spiritual growth.  Rav Hutner said on these words, “The fool thinks the righteous person gets up despite his falls; the wise person understands that he can only ‘get up’ and grow because he falls.  You have fallen numerous times, and you will fall again numerous times. That is not, G-d forbid, a negative prediction, but a fact of life. But there is a concept of ‘losing a battle yet winning the war’. You can fall to your evil inclination time and time again. But as long as you are resilient and dust yourself off and continue to fight, you have not been defeated, and you’ll ultimately prevail and win the war.” 

In the case of what we just learned, we might add to Rav Hutner’s words the importance of when you do dust yourself off, first analyzing why you fell, then making a game plan for avoiding that fall again.

When our children come to us devastated about a grade, after we’ve listened, hugged them and tried to cheer them up, our next step is to help them analyze what went wrong and how to do it better next time- just like their coach might do at a game.  In our sixth grade classes last week, we did just that. Students went through their report cards and considered where they would like to do better and set practical goals for doing so. 

This Super Bowl contained lessons for coping with failure. As Michael Jordan said, (Yes, even I know he played basketball and not football!) “I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And, that is why I succeed.”  Failure is not the opposite of success.  It is part of success. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students analyzed their report cards and focused on directed goals for improvement for next semester. They also wrapped up the unit “Hey Dude Don’t Be Rude” with a lesson on mutual respect between teachers and students.

Seventh Grade: Students began a unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity in Life” with focusing on resiliency. 

Eighth Grade: Students talked about the admissions news they will be getting this coming week.

Bergen County Yeshivot Unite

On Asarah B’Tevet, January 7, approximately 430 8th graders joined together, (boys at Ben Porat Yosef and girls at Moriah),  as part of the joint middle school initiative Screening Our Future.  For those who have been following, you will recall that the heads of school of the local Bergen county yeshivot joined together on a joint statement regarding device usage which was accompanied by a “public service” video featuring all our heads of school.  This partnership was followed by a community-wide viewing of the film Screenagers to which approximately 1000 parents came. I recall noticing that evening how the number of seats was not sufficient and they quickly set up more and more chairs.  Looking around the room I spied a number of shul rabbis in the audience, showing their support for the initiative.  While this was my 3rd time seeing the film, I knew I too had to be there to show support.

This community-wide evening was followed by our heads of school encouraging the guidance staff from each middle school to plan the next steps, i.e. now that the parents got the message, how do we get the message to the children? The heads of school wanted to show the movie to the students but left it to us to plan.  First, we wanted to get some data from the students regarding their device usage. Only about ½ of the students responded to the pre-event survey.   (Clearly, only certain students responded to this anonymous survey. We have no way of knowing which schools they were from as we did not collect their e-mail addresses). These are the questions we asked them:

Do your parents place limits on screen use? 76 students said yes. 94 students said no.  Less than half of the respondents agreed with the limits their parents placed on them. But, more kids said that they do not think it would be helpful for their parents to place limits on their use.  This was in important question for us to ask as the film featured a mother, Dr. Delaney Ruston,  (who also happens to be the director of the film), whose daughter Tessa was begging for a smartphone. Once the parents finally agree, they did create a contract (based on Janell Burley Hoffman’s contract with her son, who was in the film and presented at Yavneh at the beginning of the year), with clear limitations for their daughter.  

When asked, “How much time do you spend on screens daily?” (Note, in the Screenagers video, it quoted research that teens spend about 6 ½ hours a day on their devices), students’ answers ranged from 30 minutes to 6 hours. (One child answered six trillion hours).  Most students did seem to indicate it was in the 2-3 hours range.

When asked, “Is your cellphone distracting while doing schoolwork?” 45 said yes and 132 said no.  And, then when asked, “ Do you feel you can effectively multi-task when completing schoolwork or studying?” 119 said yes and 46 no. These questions were essential as a segment of the film highlighted how we cannot truly multitask even though we feel we can. And, simply having our cellphones on our desks- even if we do not look at them, can be distracting and lower grades/scores on tests according to the research. 

We then decided that we wanted the students to feel that they were part of something bigger than themselves to become inspired to join this important, community- changing endeavor.  We wanted the students to enter the viewing of the film with the right frame of mind.  Rabbi Beni Krohn’s introduction to the girls and Rabbi Yaakov Glasser’s introduction to the boys were meant to inspire them to truly consider and take on this universal challenge.  

After viewing the film, the students split into groups with students from all the schools mixed together. I was at the girls’ location.  It was nice to see the girls greeting friends from the neighborhood or camp who go to one of the other schools. It the discussion groups, I think the students were wary at first to sit with people they did not know but seemed to understand the importance of the mix.  Each school provided facilitators for the program. Students were asked to think about one practical strategy they can implement to limit their technology use/ distraction. We ended the program by giving out phone sacs for them to put their phones in when they do not want to be distracted by them that said, "Take a break. Your phone can wait," with all the names of the schools listed. 

To provide you with an inside view of how these discussion groups went and some interesting insights the students shared, I followed up with both the facilitators and the students to hear more about what was on their minds.  Here is some of what we heard from facilitators (in their words!) : (NOTE: Facilitators shared the views of some of the students in their groups. This in no way reflects all the students at the event). 

“The discussion was good. It was fascinating to see how little restrictions kids have with their phones, whether it be timing or content, like a filter, etc. The most fascinating point to me was that all the students were genuinely concerned about what they would do with their time if they didn’t have their phones, which I think is an area we can help them with.”

“Mixing the groups was a good idea. I found that all the girls were ‘the same’. It didn't matter which school you were from, they all had the same responses and issues.”

“Students were quite surprised by all the neurological research presented in the film- that the constant stimulation does affect the teenage developing brain permanently, and that the teenage brain is not yet ready to set the limits needed.” 

“The students really thought they could multi-task and be on their phones while doing work. The brain research really shocked them.” 

“I think the students enjoyed being mixed with other schools and it was quite educational to see the different school cultures.” 

“The one fact that all the girls discussed and agreed about was that their moms are on their phones texting, emailing and talking all the time. They wondered why they have to have all these rules but their moms do not.” 

“I learned that most students keep their phones in their rooms at night.”

“Some students noted, ‘Why should I care if my parents don't care’”

“The students all agreed that the cell phone was a distraction at certain times.”

“They had friends or other kids in mind who they felt were "addicted" to their phones.”

“Many found their own balance but would be open to discussing healthier phone use.”

“Many felt having parents monitor or restrict their phone usage was crazy.”

Here are some quotes from our students after the event:

“I thought that the scenarios shown were very extreme but in general, the movie had many valid lessons and it really showed how addictive your phone can be.”

When students were asked what they thought the most important point of the movie was some responses were:

“The putting it down to study part”

“When the child got a phone with a contract showing that technology is good but only if we handle it well”

“Sending bad pictures to people can really ruin your life.”

“If you use it too much it will take over your brain and your grades will go down”

“Keeping restrictions on how much your phone is used”

           

Some takeaways in their words:

“If you use too much technology you might become depressed”

“That some people spread too much of their lives on social media and I shouldn’t”

“You should have a balance”

“To be on my phone less”

            When asked what they thought about joining with other schools, some responded:

“Fun to see my friends on a school day”

“It was good to see a lot more schools involved- that it’s not just us”

“I feel like the schools shouldn’t be the ones limiting your phone, it should be you. But the fact that so many other schools came showed that they really care about their students.”

I think that last quote says it all.  In truth, we are trying to raise students who can eventually set their own limits on themselves. We know that our setting the limits as parents or teachers is to help them during this time in their lives, as the movie describes, when their brain is still developing and they may not yet have the neurological ability to always make good choices and set good limits.  At the end of the day, while they may be frustrated by the limits we set, they know it is because we “really care” about our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed appropriate student behaviors and expectations.

Seventh Grade: Students finished up their Operation Respect Unit on empathy.

Eighth Grade: Students confronted current events of racism and anti- Semitism and discussed what they can do in their own lives to stand up to these issues.

Mindset And Rejection Reactions

          In 7th grade, we have a unit in Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping with Adversity in Life.”  We begin with a quiz.  Who is this?  “He ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time.” .... Abraham Lincoln.  “His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”.... Dr. Seuss. “ As a baseball player, he struck out more than any player in the history of baseball: 1,330 times.”... Babe Ruth.  Why were these famous people able to continue despite failure and rejection? What was their secret? 

We later speak about the story of Jim Marshall, a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings relates. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television!        

It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”  Dr. Carole Dweck speaks about Jim Marshall’s triumph in her book Mindset.  We discuss that after a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship. 

            We hope that our students can recall these inspiring stories and the skills they learned when facing that big week in February when they hear from their high schools.  This week, in our 8th grade Advisory, we will be discussing how to react when that acceptance you were expecting does not arrive.  We purposely discuss this issue in January when no one has yet heard so it is not painful for anyone. 

            What are some of the skills we teach our children to implement when faced with rejection?  We ask them to think about the difference between these two fictional characters:

A.            “The Prince is never going to choose me unless I get all the other girls  to stay home from the ball. Even my ragged stepsister looks better than me. My dress is not fancy enough, and this nose of mine is too big. He’ll probably pick a girl from some wealthy family. Why am I even bothering to go! I’ll just have to push everyone off the  dance floor so he only sees me!”  (Cinderella’s stepsister)

B.            “ The criminals killed my family, and are destroying Gotham City. I have plenty of resources and I am not going to stand by and watch this happen. I’ll do something about it. Sure, I am only one person, but if I can create an image, a character whose winged black cape and mask will strike fear in the hearts of evil-doers, I know I can make a difference” (Batman)

How is Batman’s attitude different from Cinderella’s stepsister?  Batman is more upbeat/positive/optimistic while Cinderalla’s stepsister is more negative and pessimistic. Upbeat thinking versus downers. Then we bring it home. 

 You have been waiting anxiously for that high school acceptance letter to arrive. You always, as long as you could remember, wanted to go to the Ezra Academy. February 15^th arrives. You rush home and rip open the letter. You were waitlisted.                

How is it possible to have upbeat thinking when it comes to such a painful rejection?  We discuss with the students that we can utilize positive self-talk. Positive self-talk is exactly what it sounds like- talking to yourself-telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is sort of what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself. 

In Vayikra 14:34 it speaks of the plague of tzaraat: “When you come to the land of Canaan, which I am giving you as a possession, and I place a lesion of tzara'ath upon a house in the land of your possession.”

Why stress that you get tzaraat in the land Hashem has given you as a gift (possession)? This is no gift!  Rashi, quoting the Midrash,  tells us that “This is [good] news for them that lesions of tzara’ath will come upon them, (Torath Kohanim 14:75), because the Amorites had hidden away treasures of gold inside the walls of their houses during the entire forty years that the Israelites were in the desert, and through the lesion, he will demolish the house (see verses 43-45) and find them. — [Vayikra Rabbah 17:6] “ In essence, ever “plague” is a treasure to be uncovered. While we cannot always determine what happens to us, we can determine how we react. 

We as parents can help guide them with some additional strategies. (See my column last year on some additional ideas, along with a summary of what we cover in Advisory on the topic of high school acceptances- 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Uxn-xTrv-ZaiuAMromUFLhWIZ2fTnMn185-Rz5qgp_s/edit?usp=sharing).  

I want to focus this year more on Dr. Carole Dweck’s mindset theories and how we can help our children face rejection.  Dr. Dweck theory is famous for her research that people either have a “growth mindset” - where people believe that traits are changeable, or “fixed mindset”s where they believe that traits cannot change.  She had found that people with fixed mindsets constantly judge themselves and see outcomes as proof of whether or not they are competent. So, if a child gets a bad grade with a fixed mindset, he will say, “I am not smart.”  People with growth mindsets would not see the bad grade as evidence of who they are but rather as evidence of what they can improve and overcome

Does this idea hold true when it comes to rejection?  Doctoral student Lauren Howe conducted a study with Dr. Dweck on romantic rejection, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.  “ Focusing on romantic rejection, which can be especially potent in threatening the self, they predicted that those with fixed mindsets would take rejection as proof that they are flawed or undesirable. They predicted these people would start to question who they are and carry this emotional baggage with them into the future, stalling their recovery. Growth mindset people, the researchers guessed, wouldn’t see the experience as reflective of their worth….They found that people who endorsed more of a fixed mindset felt worse, both generally and about themselves specifically, after being rejected. Stronger beliefs about personality being fixed also predicted more fear about being rejected again and greater distress when reminiscing. These people typically didn’t take positive lessons away from the experience; they simply wished it had never happened….” And, overall,  people with fixed mindsets responded more severely than people with growth mindsets.

But the most important thing to keep in mind is Dr. Dweck’s research-based assertion that people can change and learn to have a growth mindset. “I think a lot of us have a gut instinct to question ourselves in the face of rejection,” Howe said, “but we’ll be better off pausing and taking a moment to think about what happened that wasn’t about us. What were the situational factors that might have led to this outcome?”  Yes, wouldn’t it be ideal if we can raise our children, reinforce and model growth mindsets with our children? Let us help them step back from their thoughts when faced with rejection and realize they are just thoughts and not facts about who they are. “I am not smart enough.” “ I am not good enough.”    Let us help them move away from those thoughts. We can help them: 

a.            Become aware of your fixed mindset.

b.            Affirm your power to change your mindset

c.             Find a growth-mindset thought to substitute for that fixed mindset thought.

d.            Then do something that reflects your growth mindset.  

Please note, I do bold the above sentences, as it relates to high school rejections as well. We need to reinforce with our children that rejections are not necessarily about us. One person’s or one school’s opinion or one event should never define who we are. Our self- worth should never depend on what others think of us. Rejection should never be an indication of our self-worth. 

Last year, I discussed the importance of Emunah in facing rejection. I want to reiterate that there is also a benefit of stressing that sometimes things are meant to be. Beverly Flaxington, a career coach quoted in the article, “The Secrets of Dealing With Rejection According To The Experts,’ states, “Sometimes we are meant to add to our experiences and go in another direction, sometimes we are meant to reinvent ourselves and sometimes we are meant to put something to the side and say goodbye to it forever.” 

And,  sometimes we are, as Beth Kissileff in her article “Mastering Rejection” noted, ”If you didn't get into your first-choice school—and maybe not your second or third either—it's okay to spend some time feeling a bit low. It happened to me. I cried in my history classroom after I was ‘denied’ by my first and second choice schools. My teacher, Mr. Sokolow, offered some wisdom that has remained with me ever since: ‘Do the best you can with what you have.’ “ As Rabbi Berel Wein quotes a popular Hebrew express “זה מה שיש”- this is the reality of the situation we have before us.  We can hold on to our growth mindsets and we can move on and succeed. 

Or course, this is all after we have empathized with our children and have shared with them that we know how painful rejection is. I close again with Emunah and belief that this is the path that was meant for us.  But, more importantly, we can remind our children, as Menucha Levin writes in her article,  “Learning to Face Rejection,”  “You must remember there is Someone who will never reject you, no matter what happens. Your Father in heaven will never turn you away, and you can turn to Him always.

As King David, personally familiar with the bitterness of rejection, says in Psalms: ‘For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but G‑d gathers me in.’

May He always watch over you, little girl (or boy), as you set forth on your own journey through life, with all of the challenges that lie in store.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: As part of their “Hey Dude, Don’t Be Rude” unit students focus on appropriate classroom behaviors.

Seventh Grade:  Students are wrapping up their unit empathy with a discussion of how members of our Jewish community also struggle financially and how the community steps forward to help.

Eighth Grade: Students focused on current events and how the racism and Anti-Semitism they are hearing about the news speaks about the importance of being upstanders and not bystanders.

Unwrapping Gifts Every Single Day Of The Year

            Last Sunday I attended the Nefesh Conference for Jewish mental health professionals. I was privileged to be part of a panel on the interface between schools, school guidance, and private practitioners.  The best part was that my husband (who’s in the business as well!) moderated the panel.  He showed a short video in part of his presentation which struck me.  Dr. Ned Hallowell is a psychiatrist, founder of The Hallowell Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health in Sudbury, Mass., and New York City, and author of numerous books on ADHD including Driven to Distraction.  Most importantly, he himself was diagnosed with ADHD and clearly can relate to all the work he is doing first-hand.  I had the privilege of hearing him speak a number of years ago, and his dynamic presentations are unforgettable.  

            This short clip is called “Dr. Edward (Ned) Hallowell on ADHD: a Ferrari in Your Brain” while I like to call it “Unwrapping Gifts.”  In fact, Dr. Hallowell does offer a course on ADHD he calls “Unwrapping Gifts.”   Here is a link to the clip to view it yourself

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i5D56Cg7y4I.

            Dr. Hallowell explains that when a child or adult is diagnosed with ADHD we need to begin with education.  He believes that ADHD is not a disability, but rather a gift to be unwrapped. He tells his patients, “I do not treat disabilities. I unwrap gifts.”   Hallowell explains that these children are born with “Ferrari” brains- such powerful engines.  But, they have bicycle bakes. All they need to do now is work on those brakes in order to unwrap the gift of their awesome, incredible and powerful brains.  They have amazing talents...gifts.  Hallowell stresses that the goal of treatment is to transform ADHD from a chronic liability to an asset in life.  He calls this a strength-based approach.  This engenders hope, a positive outlook and perhaps even excitement. 

            Once a child unwraps those gifts, distractibility becomes curiosity.  Impulsivity becomes creativity. Creativity,  Hallowell notes, relies on disinhibition. Hyperactivity becomes energy.  Hallowell says that in his 60s now, he is grateful for that energy!  We all know those incredibly successful adults who have that passion, enthusiasm, and creativity.  Many of them unwrapped those gifts.  The sad part is that they spent all those years as kids feeling unsuccessful or even “bad.” 

            Hallowell tells the story of David Neeleman who founded Jet Blue airlines who has ADHD. The day Jet Blue went public he made millions of dollars. Dr. Hallowell says that Neelemen called him that night, and said,“‘ Was I driving home to celebrate? No. I felt like the same loser who couldn’t hack it in high school,’   We need to stop the punishing negative energy that so often surrounds these kids and instead say, ‘Look!  You have amazing talents which may not always be measured in the classroom, but boy, will they be measured in life!” 

            ADHD is just one example. (While a challenge need not be a learning challenge, I did read an interesting article last year “The Gift of Dyslexia” also focusing on the positives of a challenge written by Rabbi Sheur Aisenstark https://mishpacha.com/the-gift-of-dyslexia/). I believe that all of our children (and we as well)  have gifts that we need to help them unwrap.  We thereby help them see the “cup half full” instead of “half empty.” This ability to change one’s perspective to notice the gift in a situation that may seem challenging is life-changing.  Life will have some challenging and difficult times. If only we can help our children see the good in all that is given to them and to find the positive energy in every situation.   In Advisory, in a  7th grade unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons: Coping With Adversity In Life,”  we teach the skills of upbeat thinking, positive self- talk, seeing life through rose-colored glasses, and avoiding negative thinking.  All these skills are needed to unwrap life’s gifts. 

            That is the message of Chanukah.  

מָסַרְתָּ גִּבּוֹרִים בְּיַד חַלָּשִׁים וְרַבִּים בְּיַד מְעַטִּים וּטְמֵאִים בְּיַד טְהוֹרִים וּרְשָׁעִים בְּיַד צַדִּיקִים וְזֵדִים בְּיַד עוֹסְקֵי תוֹרָתֶךָ

You delivered the mighty into the hands of the week, the many into the hands of the few, the impure into the hands of the pure, the wicked into the hands of the righteous, and the degenerates into the hands of those who cling to your Torah

The Jewish people could have easily given up and said, “There is no way we can defeat them. They are stronger. They are many.”  But, instead of focusing on their weaknesses, they focused on their gifts- that they were pure, they were righteous and they kept the Torah.  They had other strengths that the Greeks did not.  Only through unwrapping those gifts, instead of focusing on their challenges, did they succeed. 

But, what was the key to their ability to “unwrap those gifts” and stay hopeful? מָסַרְתָּ- You delivered.   They realized that Hashem was behind it all. He was the one that made them weaker and smaller.  He is also the one who made them pure, righteous and followers of Torah. He is the one who gave them the gifts to unwrap. It was belief in God that helped them unwrap those gifts.   I think that Emunah truly helps children focus on the good, and as believing Jews raising our children to feel that no matter what, Hashem loves us and will take care of us helps them find the gifts in their lives.   

On this Chanukah, while for only 8 days our children will unwrap many gifts, let us help them unwrap those more important gifts every single day of their lives.

Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade:  Focused on bar/bat mitzvah etiquette and behavior. 

Seventh Grade:  As part of their unit on empathy they highlighted the importance of not rushing to judgment. 

Eighth Grade: Leading up to Chanukah they focused on materialism and happiness. 

Humility Is The Antidote

I began my last week’s article on the topic of TikTok sharing that I was writing it was due to some feedback I had been receiving from parents and students. I begin this week’s column based on some discussions I have been having with students as well.  I feel that I write about this topic each year, and we discuss it in Advisory, and yet it is never enough.  Three groups of students came to me just this week to share how upset they were that classmates were posting photos of get-togethers to which they were not invited.  As I shared last year in “FOMO, Posting and Teen Loneliness” (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dFq5J_57f32SU50Cq3u2iPpEaH_KOTvI5I16oAD72Aw/edit?usp=sharing)  The impact of this constant posting of photos of events, sleepovers, parties, trips to the mall etc. has had a terrible impact on our teens and the constant feeling of being left out. As I had noted research has shown that the more people use social media the worse they feel minute to minute. 60% of teens say they worry their friends are having fun without them.  51% say they are anxious that they don’t know what their friends are doing. And, this anxiety comes from worry about their friends!   There is a most definite correlation between the amount of time spent on social media and anxiety and depression.  This constant social media posting leads to less satisfaction with their lives and loneliness.  

Amanda Lenhart in her 2015 Pew study of teens, technology, and friendships reveals a range of social media-induced stressors:
-Seeing people posting about events to which you haven’t been invited
-Feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about yourself
-Feeling pressure to get comments and likes on your posts
-Having someone post things about you that you cannot change or control

Mr. David recently forwarded the video below to me which I have already used in Advisory with the students. Interestingly enough, it was made by an Orthodox Jew for an Orthodox crowd.  “Instagram vs. Reality”  https://youtu.be/y9aUCWgMBa0.  The video depicts the friends at a party posting and someone else feeling left out. Then it shows  a girl desperate for attention claiming that her look was “effortless” when it clearly was not. This post in turn impacts on another girl who feels miserable and then consequently must find the right outfit claiming she “found the right outfit right away” when it took her some time. This desire to be seen as “perfect” impacts on adults as well as a mom posts her family time (which was not so perfect as she projects), and others do as well. Even when it comes to food, she needs to post her perfect creation, which of course makes her feel miserable when her skinny friend posts about her workouts.  The workout friend, in turn, sees a couple posting and feels alone.  And, of course, the couple is not having the blissful day together that they claim.  The video ends “Instagram vs. reality.  The struggle is real.  #Liveyourlife.” 

Live your life.  As Sherri Gordon writes in her article “How FOMO Impacts Teens And Young Adults” “The problem is that incessant worrying about what everyone else is doing only causes teens to miss out on their own lives even more. In fact, FOMO causes people to keep their attention focused outward instead of inward. This, in turn, may cause them to lose their sense of identity and to struggle with low self-esteem. But worse yet, when they are struggling with FOMO, that means they are so focused on what others on doing that they forget to live their own lives.”   And, as I quoted above, this video aptly expresses that our teens are feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about themselves and to get comments and likes on their posts. 

But, no matter how many times we share with the students how hurtful their posting and showing off can be to others, some are still doing it.  No matter how many times you have sat down with your children and stressed to them to consider how their posting may make others feel, they still post. 

This hurtful posting is clearly a “yetzer hara”-an urge that is hard to resist.  There is so much pulling them to do so that it is hard to overcome the urge.  The Gemara in Kiddushin 30b states, 

“ בני בראתי יצר הרע ובראתי לו תורה תבלין”

So too the Holy One, Blessed be He, said to Israel: My children, I created an evil inclination and I created Torah as its antidote.

What is the antidote that the Torah prescribes to combat the urge to show off what one has despite the impact on others? I believe it is the Torah’s focus on the importance of humility.   We need to stress the importance of humility more in our homes and schools.  Akiva Turner, in his review article in EC Psychology and Psychiatry,  “Walk Humbly with the Divine: The Meaning and Centrality of Jewish Modesty and Humility and their Potential Impacts on Mental Health, Leadership, and Success,” highlights the need for this humility in the digital age in which we live. “...the desire of individuals to self-disclose, boast, connect, display, be publicly intimate, and expose themselves is not new.”  Technology has simply made all of this easier and therefore more common.  “Inherent in these desires is an underlying devaluation of modesty and humility.”  Turner quotes a study that people in general in today’s society do not consider modesty and humility as being important for life satisfaction, despite that not being the case. 

Researchers have also noted that self- focus, the opposite of humility and modesty, increases the risk of depression, social anxiety, decreased subjective well-being, less psychological need satisfaction and even heart disease.  There is even a connection between humility and positive responses to trauma. 

Turner writes of the abundant research in management literature of positive impacts of humility in the workplace. People with higher levels of humility receive higher ratings by supervisees in likeability and competence, are more attentive to long- term objectives and are more skilled at avoiding poor decisions.  Successful leaders tend to be more humble, as they empower others.  Turner quotes Rabbi Simon Jacobson, “A true leader should not be judged by what he is not, ego arrogance and self- interest… This does not mean a leader is weak;  he derives great strength from his dedication  to a purpose greater than himself.” 

 Moshe, the greatest of all leaders was, (Bamidbar 12:3) was described,

 מְאֹ֑ד מִכֹּל֙ הָאָדָ֔ם אֲשֶׁ֖ר עַל־פְּנֵ֥י הָֽאֲדָמָֽה הָאִ֥ישׁ משֶׁ֖ה עָנָ֣יווְ   (
Now this man Moses was exceedingly humble, more so than any person on the face of the earth.

 The antidote is clear. As it says in Micha 6:8, 

חהִגִּ֥יד לְךָ֛ אָדָ֖ם מַה־טּ֑וֹב וּמָה־ה' דּוֹרֵ֣שׁ מִמְּךָ֗ כִּ֣י אִם־עֲשׂ֚וֹת מִשְׁפָּט֙ וְאַ֣הֲבַת חֶ֔סֶד וְהַצְנֵ֥עַ לֶ֖כֶת 

עִם־אֱלֹקיךָ:"

He has told you, O man, what is good, and what the Lord demands of you; but to do justice, to love loving-kindness, and to walk modestly with your God.

And, so, perhaps, it might be fun to post a photo of that get-together, but it certainly is not humble.  And, when you get that jacket that everyone wants, but no one else can afford, if you post a photo of yourself wearing it, it feels good in the moment, but it is not humble. And, as the above video depicts, when you post a photo in your perfect outfit, with your perfect family, on your perfect date or in your perfect exercise routine, it is surely not humble.  In this age of self-promotion, we need to stress humility as the antidote.  

Sarah Radcliffe writes in her article “Instilling Humility in  Children,”  “A humble person is not someone who thinks he’s nothing.  A humble person knows he’s something, but he recognizes God as the source of his greatness. Thinking one is something without recognizing God leads to arrogance.”  Radcliffe suggests to raise humble children we teach them:

1.  To take pleasure and not pride in their accomplishments
2. To respect others more which engenders humility
3. To know their place and to respect the experience and knowledge of others.  (She suggests teaching them to start a sentence with “Is it possible…?” turning arrogant and “me-centered” vocabulary to respectful speech).
4. To admit mistakes. 

And, of course, one of the best ways to teach all of this is by modeling it ourselves.

I am not going to stop reminding the children to stop posting photos that could conceivably hurt others.  I will continue to tell them to stop and think before they post, as will you.   But, I am thinking of trying this antidote of humility more often. I think we could all use a dose. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on some common manners that are expected in day to day life.

Seventh Grade: Students discuss how we often rush to judgment about others and how empathy can help change that practice. 

Eighth Grade:  Students viewed the trailer of the movie Screenager, which was viewed by many of their parents, and discussed how technology has changed their lives for good and bad. They discussed how much time they spend on their devices and whether they can really multitask when on a device.