Teen Role Models

As we sit a day before the next Israeli election we, in Chutz La’aretz, wait to see what might happen...again.  The “Anything But Bibi” campaign (deemed so by Rabbi Moshe Grylak in his article “For a Case of Whiskey”), is focused on the indictments Netanyahu faces, personal corruption charges and the ethical concerns. I am not taking any political stance, but here comes the question, can one put aside the ethics and focus on the successes that Netanyahu has brought to Israel economically and politically? 

Here in America, we have faced a similar dilemma as we recently lived through President Trump’s impeachment. Eytan Kobre in his article “Independence Day” in Mishpacha Magazine points out that a recent Gallup Survey indicated that 75% of Democrats responded that it was more important to them that the president set a good moral example than their agreeing with his policies. 19% said it was more important to agree with the president’s views.  Among Republicans, only 30% stressed the significance of an upright moral character versus 60% who said that it was more important to agree with the president on issues.  Interestingly enough, in 1999 when President Clinton was just impeached, the opposite was found.  At the time, 75% of Republicans said that presidential morality was more important and only 36%  of Democrats did.  Clearly, says Kobre,  Democrats only care about morality when a Republican is president and Republicans only care when a Democrat is president.  Partisan politics affects morality. Independents seem to have more consistency.  During both Clinton’s and Trump’s presidencies a majority of independents said they opted for ethical integrity over political agreement.  Right is right no matter who, no matter what and no matter when.  

As the American election comes in November, we consider the same question that the Israelis are facing tomorrow in Israel. Can one reason that in this case, since we need this president’s policies that morality does not apply? Again,  I am not here to take any political stance, nor to share who I am supporting, but to share how we might apply this question as a parent.  And, here, is what I like to call, two “teachable moments” in current events. 

            In 8th grade Advisory, we linked this issue to the Astros cheating scandal.  Just to summarize, in 2017 and 2018 the Astros illegally stole signs from the opposing teams. Using a video camera in center field they filmed the opposing catchers' signs to the pitchers. Then Astros’ staff watching the live camera feed behind the dugout would then signal to their batter what kind of pitch was coming. Should the Astros be stripped of their World Series title? Until now that has not happened as they maintain that they did not steal signs during the world series.  

            So, we asked, can one still rejoice and root for the Astros knowing what they did?  Whom do we admire? Is there a difference between a hero and a celebrity? Can someone who does something immoral still be a hero? When a celebrity does something that disappoints me ethically, does he/she stop being my role model? There was much discussion on this topic after the death of Kobe Bryant who was hailed as a hero, while some maintained that people seem to have forgotten his being accused of rape in 2004. 

            Children begin hero worship at a young age.  Freud identified what he called the “ego ideal” - the image of the ideal to which we aspire to become. It is often is represented by actual people in our environment.  Our first ego ideal is generally our parents.  As we get older we move away from our parents and seek out ego ideals in our environment. When we are younger, teens, those ego ideals may not be as realistic and are found in a world of fantasy, (i.e. superheroes, athletes). At that time, celebrities and peers become our role models. 

As parents, we can discuss these ego ideals with our children.  We ask our children to identify who their heroes are.  Whom do they admire? What qualities make them admirable?  When we speak to our children about their heroes we should make them focus on those qualities and identify whether that person has those qualities.  By having these conversations we can also help our children identify with these qualities of bravery, compassion, kindness, etc and develop them within themselves.  We can show them they can be heroes too.  What great qualities do they and can they possess? 

            The celebrities to which our children are exposed in the media- including social media- are often not the role models we strive for them to emulate.  The ego ideal in their fantasy moves into reality.  At times, they aspire towards an ego ideal that is unrealistic or even dangerous.  One such example might be a girl aspiring to be like a supermodel.  This can lead to a superficial focus on looks and even dangerous and unhealthy dieting.  Other role models may be negative in promiscuous behavior or antisocial behavior.  It is therefore important to have frank conversations about the qualities of celebrities and what we do not admire.

 We need to talk to our children about our own role models- who inspires us and why.  That list might include everyday people in our lives, religious role models etc.  Tell them what qualities inspire you. 

Yvette Miller in her article “Finding Heroes For Our Children” maintains the importance of constantly speaking to our children about worthy role models, “ My kids were very young at the time, and I resolved to try to make our home one where these timeless Jewish qualities are the ones that are admired. Several years on, I’m still trying. I make an effort to mention examples of good deeds, to get my kids excited about the many examples of selfless behavior, caring, and actions on behalf of others that fill our community. To admire the neighbor who works with handicapped children. To laud the woman who cooks lunch for our synagogue each week; to congratulate the local rabbi who volunteers his time to tutor local kids in Jewish subjects. Sometimes we’re out of step with the news that’s fueling the national conversation, but I feel good that the “heroes” my kids are learning to admire are people who try to make the world a better place.”

Are parents only role models for young children?  1,100 12 to 18 year olds were surveyed in the Weekly Reader Research Study, about 10 years ago.  The survey found that “ 67.7 percent of the teenagers said parents are the most influential role models in their lives. After parents, 40.6 percent said teachers and coaches followed by siblings at 40.4 percent. Religious leaders, athletes, and celebrities were 18.7 percent, 18.3 percent and 16.5 percent, respectively. When choosing role models, the teenagers surveyed said the most important qualities they look for include values such as honesty, integrity, loyalty and truthfulness. 

A recent University of Phoenix's study has replicated similar results.  47% of respondents identified their father as their role models. 41% identified their mothers.  A favorite teacher was identified by 41%. (In the list of top 10 role models, celebrities were fourth in the list after parents and teachers).  81% of people said their role model influenced a major life decision. 55% said that when things got tough and they were tempted to quit their role model encouraged them to continue. 

 In a 1993 Nike commercial Charles Barkley, basketball star, said, “I am not a role model. I’m not paid to be a role model. I am paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court. Parents should be role models. Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.”  While we know that celebrities are role models by default, the truth is that we are the primary role models for our children, while they might hate to admit it!

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on organizing an efficient at- home workspace.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned some strategies for upbeat thinking. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a unit on parent-child relationships

Because I Said So!

“Why do I have to do that?” “Because I said so!” Is it politically correct for parents to respond in that manner in today’s day and age? 

 As I have discussed many times before in my column three types of parenting styles have been identified based on the work of Diana Baumrind- authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive.  Permissive parents make few demands on their children. They are lenient and avoid confrontation.   Children of these parents grow up entitled and rebellious when any limits are set.  Authoritative parents are strict, consistent and loving and can adjust their expectations to the needs of the child. They hope their children will internalize their goals. They are demanding and responsive. They are assertive, but not restrictive.  Children of this style seem to be the most well-adjusted and competent.  Authoritarian parents focus on obedience and try to break the will of a child through coercion and power.  They are controlling and never believe in bending any rules, with an extreme sense of justice.   Children of these parents are more timid and have lower self-esteem.  

           

Where does the “Because I said so!” fit in?  Is that authoritarian parenting?   Can an authoritative parent ever use those words? 

This question came to my mind as I had a discussion in my 8th grade Navi class as we learned about Shlomo HaMelech’s accumulation of many horses and many wives despite the mitzvah in the Torah in Devarim 17:16 against a king doing so.   This is why it states in Gemara Sanhedrin 21b that rationales behind the Torah commandments are not generally revealed as people (such as Shlomo- as this is one of the few times in the Torah where a reason for a mitzvah is mentioned!) may rely on their own wisdom to reason that that mitzvah does not apply to them and therefore they need not do it.   If they know the reason behind the mitzvah they may rationalize that it does not apply to them or not at that time.            

            HaRav Saadiah Gaon splits the mitzvot into types- מצוות שכליות- logical mitzvot that make sense- we would have enacted them even if Hashem hadn’t commanded them (ex. Don’t kill), and מצוות שמעיות- mitzvot that do not make logical, intuitive sense (שמעיות from the word “to listen” - we do them because we are listening to Hashem).   But, we do them all, both logical and illogical mitzvot, as the Abarbanel in Vayikra 19:2 says, because Hashem commanded us to do so.  As it says in Vayikra, “Because I am Hashem.”   

            This Abarbanel reminded me of that phrase we often say as parents to our children, “Because I said so.”  This phrase has become shunned in the modern-day parenting era in which we live.  Today it is deemed as a negative phrase.  Today’s youth are not used to being responded to without a rationale and a discussion. They think everything is up for debate. 

Let’s be clear.  No one is saying we shouldn’t discuss reasons with our children.  And, in fact, as we pointed out in my Navi class, the rationales for most mitzvot may not be found in the Torah, but can be found in parshanim, commentaries, needed for the time period in which we live. Hashem knows that the rationales help us perform the mitzvot with more sincerity and commitment, but they are not the reason we do the mitzvot!  

            Children can participate in the discussion, but in the end, the parent calls the shots. While it is wonderful to include children in problem-solving, brainstorming and planning- as including them does make it less likely that we will get push-back, not all situations require discussion.  The fine balance between explaining and using “Because I said so” is the fine balance of authoritative parenting. 

“Because I said so,” is not necessarily inappropriate if it is said without sarcasm. If a parent asks a child to do something, i.e. Clean your room.  And she asks, “Why do I have to?” You might then explain the rationale, “You have a lot of free time today and Grandma will be here in 20 minutes?”  She responds, “But, why can’t I watch my show first?”  Then after the back and forth it is perfectly appropriate and fine to respond, “Because I said so.”  Saying this phrase calmly stops us from being pulled into an argument when they refuse to comply. “Because I said so,” often ends a power struggle. 

John Rosemond, author of the book, Grandma Was Right After All, maintains that “Because I said so” is often demonized.  He feels that when we say, “‘Because I said so,’  when stated calmly and straightforwardly is nothing more harmful than an affirmation of the legitimacy of parental authority. The long form would be something along the lines of ‘I provide for your provision and protection; furthermore, I am not your peer. I am your superior in every sense of the term. Therefore, I am not required to, nor will I, justify all my decisions and instructions to you’.(Note: I added the word “all”). The parent is an adult; the child is not. The child is completely dependent upon the parent for his or her very survival. The parent would take a bullet for the child; the likelihood that the child would take a bullet for the parent is slim to none. For those reasons, the parent's authority over the child is legitimate.”  Rosemond feels that parents hesitate to say those words and therefore rampant disobedience can be found among youth today. 

Parents are in charge of the family. Children need the security of the setting of firm limits and routines and predictability.  Older children can have a say in setting those routines, and even teens benefit from those set routines.  Once perimeters and rules have been established, choices can be offered.  We might say, “Time for bed- do you want to read first or have a snack first?”  But, there is no question- it is bedtime.   We use those words, “Because I said so,” when we have already made ourselves clear by setting rules that are consistently enforced.  So, you might choose to say, “You already know the reason for that…”  instead of “Because I said so.” 

I would like to add that when we say those words, “Because I said so,” we are really saying, “I have spent time building a trusting relationship with you.  Sometimes I will ask you to do things without offering you a three-paragraph explanation.  But, you know you can trust me.” So, we are saying, “Because I said so, and you can trust me. I love you. ” 

Laura Kuehn writes in her article, “‘Because I said so!’ Can I Say That?” that there are times when it is not okay to say “Because I said so.”  When we are too busy answering e-mails or not wanting to take the time to answer our children.  In that case, “Because I said so” may be a cover-up for a poorly thought-out plan.  We also don’t say “Because I said so” when we are angry, in a shouting authoritarian way.  And, there are times they are truly curious and want to know. We do not use “Because I said so,” to squash that interest. If we are not equipped to answer at that moment we ask if we can discuss the answer to their “why” another time.

G-d is “אבינו שבשמים” - our Father in Heaven, and a role model for us in parenting- THE parenting expert.  While He encourages the discussion of the reasons, טעמי המצוות, as He knows it will assist us in “buy-in” and following mitzvot with more excitement and dedication, He also teaches us the importance of saying “Because I said so.”  We trust in our Father and in His wisdom that He wants what’s best for us, even if we do not always understand why.  We too can imitate Hashem by building that trust daily, knowing when the reasons are needed and knowing when “Because I say so” is the right answer. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began learning the P.A.C.K. method to organization in organizing their backpack. 

Seventh Grade: Students learned the strategies of upbeat thinking in coping with difficulty.

Eighth Grade:  Students targeted the topic of cheating.

Lessons From The Super Bowl And Super Kids!

It’s that time of year again- my post-Super Bowl column. Each year I consider lessons that we can learn from the big game. I learned much from the game this year. 

The first thing I learned is that our kids are amazing!  Well, I didn’t exactly learn that from the game itself, but rather from attending a Super Bowl party- does that count as learning something from the Super Bowl?  I had the privilege of attending the Yachad Super Bowl Bash with almost 20 of our students.  Kayla Blumenfeld, who coordinated the party and is a Yavneh graduate!, shared with me that so many of the Yachad members’ siblings were invited to parties and they never were themselves. They ran their first Super Bowl party last year.  Yachad members said that for the first time they felt like everyone else on Super Bowl Sunday. They felt like they belonged.  

            Weeks ago we had been discussing the idea of a way to make sure all at Yavneh students feel like they belong on Super Bowl Sunday. And, then it hit me!  What if we reach out to Yachad to do a Super Bowl party with them? It is a great opportunity for those who don’t yet have plans and even those who do, to do something fun and fulfilling on that Sunday.  When I called Kayla she told me about the party they started last year and that she would love to have Yavneh students.  

I proudly watched how our students (and alumni) interacted with the Yachad members, playing limbo, musical chairs, freeze dance and simply watching the game.  Some of the students had plans that night but were delaying going to friends until after halftime, when the Yachad event would be over. Others made this event their plans for the evening, stating that chesed is a priority in their lives. 

While seeing the smiles on their faces I saw evidence of that  good feeling one often feels after doing chesed called the “helper’s high.”  Our brain actually releases endorphins- the feel-good chemicals in our brains, when we do something for someone else. Interestingly enough, Jessica Cotney, from the University of Sussex, presented research that even just reflecting on having been kind in the most month improves a teenager’s mood!  So, the next time your teen is in a grumpy mood, get her off the couch to do something good for someone. 

The second lesson I learned from the Super Bowl was, as Sally Jenkins from the Washington Post noted, “The lasting lesson of this Super Bowl- failure is necessary.” “There were failures all over the Super Bowl field. They were everywhere you looked, the losers, drifters and discards.  There were the guys who went undrafted, the guys who had been cut or traded or lowballed.  There were the coaches who knew how it felt to be fired.  What that should tell you is to never underestimate the virtues of failing.” Coach Andy Reid had finished every single postseason as a head coach with a loss, but he always came back for more, “willing to experience the radiological exposure of failure.”  This is Reid’s first championship after 21 years of trying.  His team was down by 10 early in the fourth quarter, but he did not give up. Jenkins points out that more than a quarter of the players were considered unworthy at one point in their careers as there were 28 undrafted free agents in the game. We learn from the Chiefs not to give up, even when failure may be approaching, or one has confronted failure in the past.   As Winston Churchill said, “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.”  In order to be able to win, you have to be able to lose.  More importantly, one needs to lose without losing heart, as Jenkins says.  

We know that negative experiences of failure are more common in life for most.   Sports has much to teach us when it comes to failure. “You can’t improve something until you’ve stressed it.”  First one needs to find one’s weaknesses. Only then can you improve them.  But, the experience of finding one’s weakness can be quite devastating.  The same is true in engineering and science. Often one must break things or fail in order to uncover a breakthrough. Thomas Edison was known for this truth. In our Advisory class, our 7th graders learn the secret to resiliency and bouncing back from failure.  Thomas Edison is used an example as he is known for his grit. He is famous for his quotes such as, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.” Or, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 100,000 ways that won’t work.”  Or “I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”  It is all in the perspective. 

The secret is “the ability to patiently diagnose and learn” after failure. It is not just about the ability to keep trying that determines success, but to keep trying in an organized, structured, thought out way. One needs to decide which changes will make a difference and have the courage to try them. That is what the Chiefs had. Last year they were so close. Reid told them they were just “four inches off..and we decided we could all do four inches better.” 

In the past, I have quoted the famous acronym that F.A.I.L. means "First Attempt In Learning.” I recently heard that the end is not the end, in fact, E.N.D. means "Effort Never Dies"; If you get No as an answer, remember N.O. means "Next Opportunity." 

Shlomo HaMelech states in Mishlei 24:16,

“A righteous person falls seven times and gets up.”  These failures apply to all areas of life, including spiritual growth.  Rav Hutner said on these words, “The fool thinks the righteous person gets up despite his falls; the wise person understands that he can only ‘get up’ and grow because he falls.  You have fallen numerous times, and you will fall again numerous times. That is not, G-d forbid, a negative prediction, but a fact of life. But there is a concept of ‘losing a battle yet winning the war’. You can fall to your evil inclination time and time again. But as long as you are resilient and dust yourself off and continue to fight, you have not been defeated, and you’ll ultimately prevail and win the war.” 

In the case of what we just learned, we might add to Rav Hutner’s words the importance of when you do dust yourself off, first analyzing why you fell, then making a game plan for avoiding that fall again.

When our children come to us devastated about a grade, after we’ve listened, hugged them and tried to cheer them up, our next step is to help them analyze what went wrong and how to do it better next time- just like their coach might do at a game.  In our sixth grade classes last week, we did just that. Students went through their report cards and considered where they would like to do better and set practical goals for doing so. 

This Super Bowl contained lessons for coping with failure. As Michael Jordan said, (Yes, even I know he played basketball and not football!) “I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And, that is why I succeed.”  Failure is not the opposite of success.  It is part of success. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students analyzed their report cards and focused on directed goals for improvement for next semester. They also wrapped up the unit “Hey Dude Don’t Be Rude” with a lesson on mutual respect between teachers and students.

Seventh Grade: Students began a unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity in Life” with focusing on resiliency. 

Eighth Grade: Students talked about the admissions news they will be getting this coming week.

Bergen County Yeshivot Unite

On Asarah B’Tevet, January 7, approximately 430 8th graders joined together, (boys at Ben Porat Yosef and girls at Moriah),  as part of the joint middle school initiative Screening Our Future.  For those who have been following, you will recall that the heads of school of the local Bergen county yeshivot joined together on a joint statement regarding device usage which was accompanied by a “public service” video featuring all our heads of school.  This partnership was followed by a community-wide viewing of the film Screenagers to which approximately 1000 parents came. I recall noticing that evening how the number of seats was not sufficient and they quickly set up more and more chairs.  Looking around the room I spied a number of shul rabbis in the audience, showing their support for the initiative.  While this was my 3rd time seeing the film, I knew I too had to be there to show support.

This community-wide evening was followed by our heads of school encouraging the guidance staff from each middle school to plan the next steps, i.e. now that the parents got the message, how do we get the message to the children? The heads of school wanted to show the movie to the students but left it to us to plan.  First, we wanted to get some data from the students regarding their device usage. Only about ½ of the students responded to the pre-event survey.   (Clearly, only certain students responded to this anonymous survey. We have no way of knowing which schools they were from as we did not collect their e-mail addresses). These are the questions we asked them:

Do your parents place limits on screen use? 76 students said yes. 94 students said no.  Less than half of the respondents agreed with the limits their parents placed on them. But, more kids said that they do not think it would be helpful for their parents to place limits on their use.  This was in important question for us to ask as the film featured a mother, Dr. Delaney Ruston,  (who also happens to be the director of the film), whose daughter Tessa was begging for a smartphone. Once the parents finally agree, they did create a contract (based on Janell Burley Hoffman’s contract with her son, who was in the film and presented at Yavneh at the beginning of the year), with clear limitations for their daughter.  

When asked, “How much time do you spend on screens daily?” (Note, in the Screenagers video, it quoted research that teens spend about 6 ½ hours a day on their devices), students’ answers ranged from 30 minutes to 6 hours. (One child answered six trillion hours).  Most students did seem to indicate it was in the 2-3 hours range.

When asked, “Is your cellphone distracting while doing schoolwork?” 45 said yes and 132 said no.  And, then when asked, “ Do you feel you can effectively multi-task when completing schoolwork or studying?” 119 said yes and 46 no. These questions were essential as a segment of the film highlighted how we cannot truly multitask even though we feel we can. And, simply having our cellphones on our desks- even if we do not look at them, can be distracting and lower grades/scores on tests according to the research. 

We then decided that we wanted the students to feel that they were part of something bigger than themselves to become inspired to join this important, community- changing endeavor.  We wanted the students to enter the viewing of the film with the right frame of mind.  Rabbi Beni Krohn’s introduction to the girls and Rabbi Yaakov Glasser’s introduction to the boys were meant to inspire them to truly consider and take on this universal challenge.  

After viewing the film, the students split into groups with students from all the schools mixed together. I was at the girls’ location.  It was nice to see the girls greeting friends from the neighborhood or camp who go to one of the other schools. It the discussion groups, I think the students were wary at first to sit with people they did not know but seemed to understand the importance of the mix.  Each school provided facilitators for the program. Students were asked to think about one practical strategy they can implement to limit their technology use/ distraction. We ended the program by giving out phone sacs for them to put their phones in when they do not want to be distracted by them that said, "Take a break. Your phone can wait," with all the names of the schools listed. 

To provide you with an inside view of how these discussion groups went and some interesting insights the students shared, I followed up with both the facilitators and the students to hear more about what was on their minds.  Here is some of what we heard from facilitators (in their words!) : (NOTE: Facilitators shared the views of some of the students in their groups. This in no way reflects all the students at the event). 

“The discussion was good. It was fascinating to see how little restrictions kids have with their phones, whether it be timing or content, like a filter, etc. The most fascinating point to me was that all the students were genuinely concerned about what they would do with their time if they didn’t have their phones, which I think is an area we can help them with.”

“Mixing the groups was a good idea. I found that all the girls were ‘the same’. It didn't matter which school you were from, they all had the same responses and issues.”

“Students were quite surprised by all the neurological research presented in the film- that the constant stimulation does affect the teenage developing brain permanently, and that the teenage brain is not yet ready to set the limits needed.” 

“The students really thought they could multi-task and be on their phones while doing work. The brain research really shocked them.” 

“I think the students enjoyed being mixed with other schools and it was quite educational to see the different school cultures.” 

“The one fact that all the girls discussed and agreed about was that their moms are on their phones texting, emailing and talking all the time. They wondered why they have to have all these rules but their moms do not.” 

“I learned that most students keep their phones in their rooms at night.”

“Some students noted, ‘Why should I care if my parents don't care’”

“The students all agreed that the cell phone was a distraction at certain times.”

“They had friends or other kids in mind who they felt were "addicted" to their phones.”

“Many found their own balance but would be open to discussing healthier phone use.”

“Many felt having parents monitor or restrict their phone usage was crazy.”

Here are some quotes from our students after the event:

“I thought that the scenarios shown were very extreme but in general, the movie had many valid lessons and it really showed how addictive your phone can be.”

When students were asked what they thought the most important point of the movie was some responses were:

“The putting it down to study part”

“When the child got a phone with a contract showing that technology is good but only if we handle it well”

“Sending bad pictures to people can really ruin your life.”

“If you use it too much it will take over your brain and your grades will go down”

“Keeping restrictions on how much your phone is used”

           

Some takeaways in their words:

“If you use too much technology you might become depressed”

“That some people spread too much of their lives on social media and I shouldn’t”

“You should have a balance”

“To be on my phone less”

            When asked what they thought about joining with other schools, some responded:

“Fun to see my friends on a school day”

“It was good to see a lot more schools involved- that it’s not just us”

“I feel like the schools shouldn’t be the ones limiting your phone, it should be you. But the fact that so many other schools came showed that they really care about their students.”

I think that last quote says it all.  In truth, we are trying to raise students who can eventually set their own limits on themselves. We know that our setting the limits as parents or teachers is to help them during this time in their lives, as the movie describes, when their brain is still developing and they may not yet have the neurological ability to always make good choices and set good limits.  At the end of the day, while they may be frustrated by the limits we set, they know it is because we “really care” about our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed appropriate student behaviors and expectations.

Seventh Grade: Students finished up their Operation Respect Unit on empathy.

Eighth Grade: Students confronted current events of racism and anti- Semitism and discussed what they can do in their own lives to stand up to these issues.

Mindset And Rejection Reactions

          In 7th grade, we have a unit in Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping with Adversity in Life.”  We begin with a quiz.  Who is this?  “He ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time.” .... Abraham Lincoln.  “His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”.... Dr. Seuss. “ As a baseball player, he struck out more than any player in the history of baseball: 1,330 times.”... Babe Ruth.  Why were these famous people able to continue despite failure and rejection? What was their secret? 

We later speak about the story of Jim Marshall, a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings relates. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television!        

It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”  Dr. Carole Dweck speaks about Jim Marshall’s triumph in her book Mindset.  We discuss that after a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship. 

            We hope that our students can recall these inspiring stories and the skills they learned when facing that big week in February when they hear from their high schools.  This week, in our 8th grade Advisory, we will be discussing how to react when that acceptance you were expecting does not arrive.  We purposely discuss this issue in January when no one has yet heard so it is not painful for anyone. 

            What are some of the skills we teach our children to implement when faced with rejection?  We ask them to think about the difference between these two fictional characters:

A.            “The Prince is never going to choose me unless I get all the other girls  to stay home from the ball. Even my ragged stepsister looks better than me. My dress is not fancy enough, and this nose of mine is too big. He’ll probably pick a girl from some wealthy family. Why am I even bothering to go! I’ll just have to push everyone off the  dance floor so he only sees me!”  (Cinderella’s stepsister)

B.            “ The criminals killed my family, and are destroying Gotham City. I have plenty of resources and I am not going to stand by and watch this happen. I’ll do something about it. Sure, I am only one person, but if I can create an image, a character whose winged black cape and mask will strike fear in the hearts of evil-doers, I know I can make a difference” (Batman)

How is Batman’s attitude different from Cinderella’s stepsister?  Batman is more upbeat/positive/optimistic while Cinderalla’s stepsister is more negative and pessimistic. Upbeat thinking versus downers. Then we bring it home. 

 You have been waiting anxiously for that high school acceptance letter to arrive. You always, as long as you could remember, wanted to go to the Ezra Academy. February 15^th arrives. You rush home and rip open the letter. You were waitlisted.                

How is it possible to have upbeat thinking when it comes to such a painful rejection?  We discuss with the students that we can utilize positive self-talk. Positive self-talk is exactly what it sounds like- talking to yourself-telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is sort of what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself. 

In Vayikra 14:34 it speaks of the plague of tzaraat: “When you come to the land of Canaan, which I am giving you as a possession, and I place a lesion of tzara'ath upon a house in the land of your possession.”

Why stress that you get tzaraat in the land Hashem has given you as a gift (possession)? This is no gift!  Rashi, quoting the Midrash,  tells us that “This is [good] news for them that lesions of tzara’ath will come upon them, (Torath Kohanim 14:75), because the Amorites had hidden away treasures of gold inside the walls of their houses during the entire forty years that the Israelites were in the desert, and through the lesion, he will demolish the house (see verses 43-45) and find them. — [Vayikra Rabbah 17:6] “ In essence, ever “plague” is a treasure to be uncovered. While we cannot always determine what happens to us, we can determine how we react. 

We as parents can help guide them with some additional strategies. (See my column last year on some additional ideas, along with a summary of what we cover in Advisory on the topic of high school acceptances- 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Uxn-xTrv-ZaiuAMromUFLhWIZ2fTnMn185-Rz5qgp_s/edit?usp=sharing).  

I want to focus this year more on Dr. Carole Dweck’s mindset theories and how we can help our children face rejection.  Dr. Dweck theory is famous for her research that people either have a “growth mindset” - where people believe that traits are changeable, or “fixed mindset”s where they believe that traits cannot change.  She had found that people with fixed mindsets constantly judge themselves and see outcomes as proof of whether or not they are competent. So, if a child gets a bad grade with a fixed mindset, he will say, “I am not smart.”  People with growth mindsets would not see the bad grade as evidence of who they are but rather as evidence of what they can improve and overcome

Does this idea hold true when it comes to rejection?  Doctoral student Lauren Howe conducted a study with Dr. Dweck on romantic rejection, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.  “ Focusing on romantic rejection, which can be especially potent in threatening the self, they predicted that those with fixed mindsets would take rejection as proof that they are flawed or undesirable. They predicted these people would start to question who they are and carry this emotional baggage with them into the future, stalling their recovery. Growth mindset people, the researchers guessed, wouldn’t see the experience as reflective of their worth….They found that people who endorsed more of a fixed mindset felt worse, both generally and about themselves specifically, after being rejected. Stronger beliefs about personality being fixed also predicted more fear about being rejected again and greater distress when reminiscing. These people typically didn’t take positive lessons away from the experience; they simply wished it had never happened….” And, overall,  people with fixed mindsets responded more severely than people with growth mindsets.

But the most important thing to keep in mind is Dr. Dweck’s research-based assertion that people can change and learn to have a growth mindset. “I think a lot of us have a gut instinct to question ourselves in the face of rejection,” Howe said, “but we’ll be better off pausing and taking a moment to think about what happened that wasn’t about us. What were the situational factors that might have led to this outcome?”  Yes, wouldn’t it be ideal if we can raise our children, reinforce and model growth mindsets with our children? Let us help them step back from their thoughts when faced with rejection and realize they are just thoughts and not facts about who they are. “I am not smart enough.” “ I am not good enough.”    Let us help them move away from those thoughts. We can help them: 

a.            Become aware of your fixed mindset.

b.            Affirm your power to change your mindset

c.             Find a growth-mindset thought to substitute for that fixed mindset thought.

d.            Then do something that reflects your growth mindset.  

Please note, I do bold the above sentences, as it relates to high school rejections as well. We need to reinforce with our children that rejections are not necessarily about us. One person’s or one school’s opinion or one event should never define who we are. Our self- worth should never depend on what others think of us. Rejection should never be an indication of our self-worth. 

Last year, I discussed the importance of Emunah in facing rejection. I want to reiterate that there is also a benefit of stressing that sometimes things are meant to be. Beverly Flaxington, a career coach quoted in the article, “The Secrets of Dealing With Rejection According To The Experts,’ states, “Sometimes we are meant to add to our experiences and go in another direction, sometimes we are meant to reinvent ourselves and sometimes we are meant to put something to the side and say goodbye to it forever.” 

And,  sometimes we are, as Beth Kissileff in her article “Mastering Rejection” noted, ”If you didn't get into your first-choice school—and maybe not your second or third either—it's okay to spend some time feeling a bit low. It happened to me. I cried in my history classroom after I was ‘denied’ by my first and second choice schools. My teacher, Mr. Sokolow, offered some wisdom that has remained with me ever since: ‘Do the best you can with what you have.’ “ As Rabbi Berel Wein quotes a popular Hebrew express “זה מה שיש”- this is the reality of the situation we have before us.  We can hold on to our growth mindsets and we can move on and succeed. 

Or course, this is all after we have empathized with our children and have shared with them that we know how painful rejection is. I close again with Emunah and belief that this is the path that was meant for us.  But, more importantly, we can remind our children, as Menucha Levin writes in her article,  “Learning to Face Rejection,”  “You must remember there is Someone who will never reject you, no matter what happens. Your Father in heaven will never turn you away, and you can turn to Him always.

As King David, personally familiar with the bitterness of rejection, says in Psalms: ‘For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but G‑d gathers me in.’

May He always watch over you, little girl (or boy), as you set forth on your own journey through life, with all of the challenges that lie in store.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: As part of their “Hey Dude, Don’t Be Rude” unit students focus on appropriate classroom behaviors.

Seventh Grade:  Students are wrapping up their unit empathy with a discussion of how members of our Jewish community also struggle financially and how the community steps forward to help.

Eighth Grade: Students focused on current events and how the racism and Anti-Semitism they are hearing about the news speaks about the importance of being upstanders and not bystanders.