Carrying A Heavy Load

  As we approach Pesach and are focused on the cleaning, shopping and the various other preparations I wonder if all that hard work exists so that  when we finally can enjoy Pesach we are fulfilling the words in  Pesachim 116B that state  

,בְּכׇל דּוֹר וָדוֹר חַיָּיב אָדָם לִרְאוֹת אֶת עַצְמוֹ כְּאִילּוּ הוּא יָצָא מִמִּצְרַיִם.

 In every generation a person is required to view himself as if he personally experienced leaving Egypt.  

Okay…perhaps not. 

The Rambam adds in Hilchot Chametz UMatzah 7:6:

בְּכָל דּוֹר וָדוֹר חַיָּב אָדָם לְהַרְאוֹת אֶת עַצְמוֹ כְּאִלּוּ הוּא בְּעַצְמוֹ יָצָא עַתָּה מִשִּׁעְבּוּד מִצְרַיִם 

In each and every generation, a person must present himself as if he, himself, has now left the slavery of Egypt. Not to view himself only, but to act or reenact the Exodus. 

Hence the custom, especially among Sephardic Jews, to actually dramatize the Exodus at the seder.  The National Jewish Outreach Program website describes what that might look like:

Generally this takes place immediately following Yachatz, the breaking of the middle matzah, or after Ha Lachma Anya, the first paragraph of the Maggid section.

The basic script for this dramatization is as follows:

Person holding the afikomen (larger half of the broken matzah) says: “Their remaining possessions tied up in their bags on their shoulders and the children of Israel did as Moses commanded.”

Other Seder Participants: “From where are you coming?” 

Afikomen holder: “From Egypt.”

Participants: “Where are you going?”

Afikomen holder: “To Jerusalem.”

Participants: “What are your supplies?”

Afikomen holder: “Matzah and Maror.”

The afikomen is wrapped in a bag and thrown over the shoulder. In the Yemenite community, the leader of the seder stands, throws the afikomen bag over his shoulder and circles the table while leaning on a cane as he shares the miracles he witnessed leaving Egypt. 

The seder stresses the importance of being able to actually feel what it is like to be inמִצְרַיִם  which means in dire, narrow straits. Even when we are in our comfortable home we have the ability to use the skills of empathy and to not only imagine, but to actively feel what it is like to be slaves in Egypt and then freed.  Feel כְּאִילּוּ - as if you yourself are going through such difficulties and salvation.  

As I envisioned the family with their sacks thrown over their shoulders, reenacting the Exodus, it conjured up an expression in Yiddish that says that everyone has their own “peckel”- their own heavy package/bundle to carry.  Everyone has his or her own bundle of troubles to carry and overcome.  So, while we may not visibly see everyone’s package- they all have one. Even those who appear to have “perfect” lives have burdens to carry that we know nothing about. 

The Pesach seder reminds us of the troubles and the “peckels”  of others. 

As Mrs. Shira Smiles quotes in her article “Compassion and Connection”  the Malbim nots that what we recite at the seder is called “הגדה” and not “סיפור.” The term הגדה implies telling of a personal experience and סיפור implies telling a story that happened to someone else. 

And, we know that Moshe, the “star” of the Pesach story was known for his empathy as it states when he went out and saw the Jews enslaved,  in Shemot 2:11:

וַיְהִ֣י ׀ בַּיָּמִ֣ים הָהֵ֗ם וַיִּגְדַּ֤ל מֹשֶׁה֙ וַיֵּצֵ֣א אֶל־אֶחָ֔יו וַיַּ֖רְא בְּסִבְלֹתָ֑ם

Some time after that, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his kinsfolk and witnessed their burdens.

Rashi says, 

וירא בסבלתם: נתן עיניו ולבו להיות מיצר עליהם

And looked at their burdens: He directed his eyes and his heart to be distressed over them. 

That was true empathy- the ability to feel their pain despite living the high life in the palace. 

We see this quality again with Moshe later in the battle with Amalek as it says in Taanit 11a:

אֶלָּא, יְצַעֵר אָדָם עִם הַצִּבּוּר, שֶׁכֵּן מָצִינוּ בְּמֹשֶׁה רַבֵּינוּ שֶׁצִּיעֵר עַצְמוֹ עִם הַצִּבּוּר, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: ״וִידֵי מֹשֶׁה כְּבֵדִים וַיִּקְחוּ אֶבֶן וַיָּשִׂימוּ תַחְתָּיו וַיֵּשֶׁב עָלֶיהָ״, וְכִי לֹא הָיָה לוֹ לְמֹשֶׁה כַּר אֶחָד אוֹ כֶּסֶת אַחַת לֵישֵׁב עָלֶיהָ? אֶלָּא כָּךְ אָמַר מֹשֶׁה: הוֹאִיל וְיִשְׂרָאֵל שְׁרוּיִין בְּצַעַר — אַף אֲנִי אֶהְיֶה עִמָּהֶם בְּצַעַר. וְכׇל הַמְצַעֵר עַצְמוֹ עִם הַצִּבּוּר — זוֹכֶה וְרוֹאֶה בְּנֶחָמַת צִבּוּר

The baraita continues: Rather, a person should be distressed together with the community. As we found with Moses our teacher that he was distressed together with the community, as it is stated during the war with Amalek: “But Moses’ hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat upon it” (Exodus 17:12). But didn’t Moses have one pillow or one cushion to sit upon; why was he forced to sit on a rock? Rather, Moses said as follows: Since the Jewish people are immersed in suffering, I too will be with them in suffering, as much as I am able, although I am not participating in the fighting. The baraita adds: And anyone who is distressed together with the community will merit seeing the consolation of the community.

     And, the beginning of the salvation, when Moshe sees the burning bush, shows that The Savior- G-d Himeself also typifies this quality. Rashi notes, why did Hashem appear to him in a bush and not in another type of tree?

מתוך הסנה: ולא אילן אחר, משום עמו אנכי בצרה (תהילים צא טו):

from within the thorn bush: But not from any other tree, because of “I am with him in distress” (Ps. 91:15). — [from Tanchuma, Shemoth 14].  

          G-d Himself was with the Jews in their pain- He felt their pain with them in empathy. 

And, after the Jewish people leave Egypt and receive the mitzvot they are reminded of this empathy. In Shemot 22:20 they are told of how to treat the “stranger” 

, וְגֵ֥ר לֹֽא־תוֹנֶ֖ה וְלֹ֣א תִלְחָצֶ֑נּוּ כִּֽי־גֵרִ֥ים הֱיִיתֶ֖ם בְּאֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם:

And you shall not mistreat a stranger, nor shall you oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.

They are encouraged to imagine what it felt like to be strangers themselves. 

And, in pasuk 24: 

אִם־כֶּ֣סֶף | תַּלְוֶ֣ה אֶת־עַמִּ֗י אֶת־הֶֽעָנִי֙ עִמָּ֔ךְ לֹא־תִֽהְיֶ֥ה ל֖וֹ כְּנשֶׁ֑ה לֹֽא־תְשִׂימ֥וּן עָלָ֖יו נֶֽשֶׁךְ

When you lend money to My people, to the poor person [who is] with you, you shall not behave toward him as a lender; you shall not impose interest upon him.

Rashi comments on the words “with you”

 את העני עמך: הוי מסתכל בעצמך כאלו אתה העני

to the poor person [who is] with you: Look at yourself as if you were a poor person. -[From Tanchuma 15]

And, so the Jewish people, in their formation as a nation, were reminded that everyone has their own “peckel” and to feel their pain. 

  It is easy to feel sorry for someone when their “peckel” is obvious and visible.I have written about empathy in this column numerous times and about how we incorporate it in Advisory. But, it struck me again as I read an article this past Shabbat,  that we need to do a better job in teaching empathy for those who have “invisible peckels” - when their suffering is not obvious.  In the magazine Family First  in the article “Hidden in Plain Sight”, Rivki Silver, presents scenarios where people have invisible disabilities or difficulties and they are consequently judged easily. For example:

1. Beneath the Surface

What you see:

It’s Shabbos afternoon, and a group of mothers get together with their little ones. After one little boy pushes a little girl one too many times, her mom turns to this boy’s mother, and says, point-blank, “You need to parent your child.”

“Sorry,” mutters his mortified mother.

What you don’t see:

This boy’s mother was in middle of having him evaluated. He was ultimately diagnosed with an extreme case of ADHD as well as anxiety. “The head of neurology saw my kid and said ‘Wow!’ ” the mom recalls.

2. Beneath the Surface

What you see: 

A grandmother takes her granddaughter out for a manicure, hoping for some quality bonding time. But instead of smiling and chitchatting while picking out colors she wants, the girl is asking nonstop questions like, “I don’t know, should I have come? Should I not have come? Should I have stayed home? Should I have done this?” Her grandmother is at a loss — this was supposed to be such a nice outing. Can’t they just enjoy themselves?

What you don’t see:

This girl has a diagnosis of Asperger’s and anxiety. While all these conditions make life challenging, right now it’s her anxiety that’s preventing her from enjoying herself.

It is easy for us to have empathy when someone is in a wheelchair or we know someone has an obvious disability.  Dr. Benjamin Miller notes instead of judging the poor parenting of the parent or the terrible behavior of the child consider,  

React with empathy 

“Understand that there are always things going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about. And if you think you know what’s going on — you don’t, by the way — but if you think you do, do your best to help out. Approach with empathy, from a perspective of ‘How do I support him and maybe give him a little chizuk?’

Maybe that child or parent has a “peckel” I know nothing about.  How would it feel if I had to carry such a burden? Maybe there is something I can do to help him/her carry that peckel so it is not so heavy and unbearable rather than judging.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed exclusion through the video Sneetches

Seventh Grade: What are the everyday stressors that we face and how can we manage them?

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed the inappropriate use of bigoted language used in society.

Wearing Rose-Colored Glasses

 

This year’s World Happiness Report results came out this week and Israel is the 9th happiest country in the world out of 146 countries! This is above the United States which was number 16, Britain- 17 and Canada- 15. Those who have read my column before know that this is not the first time that Israel ranked higher than America. In 2017- when I first reported on these results- I noted:

“Some characteristics noted in the top countries were caring, freedom, generosity, honesty (Yes, Israelis never hold back what’s on their minds!), health, income, and good governance.  Some other characteristics noted were “having someone to count on in times of trouble, generosity, trust.’ All good qualities to reinforce with our children.”  

I know I discussed this issue further last time, but I would like to focus on some hypotheses why Israel is a happy country by discussing a presentation our 7th and 8th graders heard last week.  We were privileged to have Mr. Jason Beckoff address our students reinforcing the skills they learned in Advisory in their "When Life Gives You Lemons" unit; learning to cope with adversity and struggles in life.  He shared his personal story of adversity and resilience battling Guillain-Barre syndrome. He spoke to the students about the difficulty of his illness, the recuperation and how he found hope. He stressed the importance of staying positive and how to ignore negativity around you. That is the first solution to finding happiness. Hope.

The same hope can be found in the people of Israel despite being surrounded by enemies.  I recently found a joke about Israelis online from The Asia Times: An American businessman emigrated to Israel shortly after its founding. On his arrival, he orders a telephone, and waits for weeks without a response. After many hours of trying and complaints he is brought into the office of an official who explains that there is a two-year waiting list, and no way to skip the line “Do you mean there is no hope?,” the American asks. “It is forbidden for a Jew to say there is no hope!,” thunders the official. “No chance, maybe.” Hope transcends probability.

The Jew’s hope is found in Emunah and Bitachon in Hashem. No matter how dark things seem there is hope. As it says in Berachot 10a:

אֲפִילּוּ חֶרֶב חַדָּה מוּנַּחַת עַל צַוָּארוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם, אַל יִמְנַע עַצְמוֹ מִן הָרַחֲמִים.

Even if a sharp sword rests upon a person’s neck, he should not prevent himself from mercy.

There is always hope for G-d’s mercy. Mr. Beckoff spoke of his emunah which was strengthened by his remembering his Holocaust survivor relatives who never gave up hope in G-d despite all they suffered. 

Andrea Oppenheimer, in his article “Israel, Often Under Stress, Is The World’s Ninth- Happiest Country- How Did That Happen?” says that he sought out the opinion of Dr. Tal Ben Shahar- the expert on happiness whom I have often quoted. The Israeli Ben Shahar taught a course in Harvard on the topic of happiness and presently lives in Israel. He spoke at the World Happiness summit when this month’s rankings came out. He said that “Israel is a country with a very strong social network. ‘The No 1 distinguishing characteristic in happy countries is a very strong social network where there is support from family and friends,’he told me. ‘As the British philosopher Francis Bacon said, ‘Friendship doubles joy, and cuts grief in half.’”  Dr. Ben Shahar added that “being a country that often has been attacked by its neighbors, and a people who have been victims of persecution for thousands of years gives many Israelis a sense of mutual reliance. ‘In times of war, people get together to support each other. That, and the fact that the Jewish people have been together for several millennia, helps explain their high happiness levels.”  

Mr. Beckoff spoke of his family and friends and their constant support. The stories he shared about the power they had to provide him with the ability to not give up made an impact. He had the constant sense that they were all in this together.  He empowered the students to think about whether they are doing enough to help others in need.  

Last, Ben Shahar explained that since there is mandatory army service in Israel, Israelis- including immigrants, have a united sense of purpose and meaning. Whatever we can do to provide our children with a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives will help lead them to happiness. 

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg (a Yavneh graduate!) wrote in his article this week “Why Is Israel One Of The Top 10 Happiest Countries In The World?”  He notes that our founding fathers called it a “pursuit of happiness” as if as much as we pursue happiness it is difficult to be achieved.  He quotes an article by Dr. Daniel Gilbert who states that happiness is really elusive and that which we think will bring us happiness hardly ever does.  So, no matter how hard we try, the only way to really have happiness is by coincidentally “stumbling” on it. 

Rabbi Goldberg says that this idea is the antithesis of the Jewish belief.  “Judaism disagrees. Happiness, simcha, is not something that we stumble or trip upon by accident. It’s the result of a conscious decision, a determined attitude. In Path of the Just, Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto writes that being happy and joyful is not a luxury or simply preferable; they are critical components of a meaningful life.”  Rabbi Goldberg adds that one must actively choose to see the blessings in one’s life, no matter how intense one’s struggles. 

Mr. Beckoff also stressed this philosophy with the students.  One must actively ignore negativity and he spoke about his actively making a plan for recuperation.  Passivity leads to unhappiness. 

Rabbi Goldberg spoke about one small conscious act we can do to achieve happiness- smiling. When we smile, research shows that it lifts our mood, lowers stress, boosts our immune system and even prolongs our lives. When we smile chemicals are released in our brains that relieve pain and give pleasure.  And happiness is contagious. Surrounding ourselves with happy people raises the chances that we will be happy ourselves. 

Mr. Beckoff added that when nurses, and medical staff were the only ones to whom he had access, due to covid restrictions, when they were upbeat, encouraging and happy he felt happier. This again reinforced with our students the power they have in bringing joy to others who are going through tough times. 

Recently on my spotify Israeli music listening I came across a song by Omer Adam which was meant to be part of an eyeglasses campaign, but a particular line struck me as it relates to why Israelis are so positive, how Mr. Beckoff was able to maintain hope and to a skill we teach in Advisory. 

אז קניתי משקפיים לראות יותר ורוד

I bought eyeglasses to see more pink

As I listened it hit me. We do an activity with our 7th graders in Advisory about seeing life with rose-colored glasses- in an upbeat, hopeful manner. We ask for student volunteers who are each given the identical situation. One is asked to put on glasses with pink lenses and the other with dark lenses. I ask each of them to describe that situation with different “glasses” on, with different perspectives. 

One example- The situation: The power went off during a hurricane:

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“It was so much fun when the power went off in my house during the hurricane. We all got to sleep in the same room and my father didn’t have to go to work.  We stayed up late telling ghost stories- it was like one big camp fire!  We stayed up all night playing games and having fun by flashlight.  I will never forget that night!”

Dark colored glasses perspective: 

“It was the worst night of my life. There was no power so we all had to squish into one room.  And, all I really wanted to do was to go to sleep in my own room, but my siblings were playing and making so much noise!  It’s so boring with no TV to watch, and I knew my teacher would be angry at me for not doing my homework. I wish we had a generator!” 

We then discussed “reframing” (no connection with frames of eyeglasses!).  Reframing is a technique used to help create a different way of looking at a situation, person, or relationship by changing its meaning. Also referred to as cognitive reframing, it's a strategy used to help people  look at situations from a slightly different perspective.  The essential idea behind reframing is that a person's point-of-view depends on the frame it is viewed in. When the frame is shifted, the meaning changes and thinking and behavior often change along with it.

Another way to understand the concept of reframing is to imagine looking through the frame of a camera lens. The picture seen through the lens can be changed to a view that is closer or further away. By slightly changing what is seen in the camera, the picture is both viewed and experienced differently.  

Dr. Daniel Feldman, in his article “Why Religion is Good For Us”  adds how religion  is a helpful tool for reframing. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” 

Mr. Beckoff was a living example to our students of the spirit of the country of Israel- the ability to achieve happiness despite difficulties through wearing משקפיים לראות יותר ורוד.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade; Students focused on goals based on their academic achievement and also on their friendship skills achievement through self-reflection. 

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about reframing and the ability to see life through rose colored glasses.

Eight Grade: Students created a manual for their parents to understand them better. PLEASE ASK THEM TO SEE THEM!   They then discussed the impact of mean behaviors on social media.

Upstanders for Ukraine

  With the situation in the Ukraine in the daily news our children are hearing of a  Purim-like story where a nation's life is at stake happening during their life-time.  How can we help our children become better people from pitching in to help? At Yavneh through tzedakah drives, or Tehillim and the various ways we are discussing it in our classrooms we are considering the life lessons our children can learn. 

This past week I had the privilege of giving a shiur to the grandparents of the Yavneh parent body.  When preparing for the shiur I came across an article “If You Remain Silent at this Time: Concern for the Jewish People” by Rav Aaron Lichtenstein, ztl, which highlights one lesson from the Purim story that we can all apply to our daily lives and most particularly to the situation in the Ukraine.

 “But even more serious are Mordekhai’s words to Esther. At a certain stage there is an effort to give her the benefit of the doubt: The whole of Shushan knows, except the queen? Still— maybe they told her it was just a possibility, a thought, and she may have thought that the danger wasn’t imminent. But after copies of the decree of annihilation are publicly displayed, and Mordekhai brings them to her attention, can Esther still wonder why Mordekhai is trying to disturb her complacency? …Rather, a person must ask himself not only whether what he is doing is good and worthy, but whether it is the best and most worthy thing that he could be doing. He has to keep asking himself: Is this really what the circumstances require? Is this the best that I can do at this time?...  This is the real question. If you understand the situation— and there is no reason or excuse not to—then you hear the cry that emanates from every part of the country, from every corner of the globe, expressed in the spiritual dangers surrounding and threatening us on every side. Someone who cares knows what is going on, and once he knows he must ask himself: What significance does this knowledge have for me? To what extent does it cause me pain? Like Esther, we will all have to ask ourselves the question when the time comes: We could have saved; did we? What will be our answer then? More importantly, what is our answer today?”

Rav Lichtenstein stresses the importance of reaching out to save others spiritually as well. And, while his article highlights the need to reach out to other Jews, it applies to reaching out to all in need.  Overall, we want our children to consider what Mordechai said to Esther: 

ידכִּ֣י אִם־הַֽחֲרֵ֣שׁ תַּֽחֲרִ֘ישִׁי֘ בָּעֵ֣ת הַזֹּאת֒ רֶ֣וַח וְהַצָּלָ֞ה יַֽעֲמ֤וֹד לַיְּהוּדִים֙ מִמָּק֣וֹם אַחֵ֔ר וְאַ֥תְּ וּבֵֽית־אָבִ֖יךְ תֹּאבֵ֑דוּ וּמִ֣י יוֹדֵ֔עַ אִם־לְעֵ֣ת כָּזֹ֔את הִגַּ֖עַתְּ לַמַּלְכֽוּת:

To paraphrase this pasuk to apply to our children today, “If you are quiet at this time, someone else will step up and save them, and you and your impact will be lost, and who knows that perhaps you have been empowered to make a difference!”  

This is in essence the mitzvah Vayikra 19:16

 לֹ֥א תַעֲמֹ֖ד עַל־דַּ֣ם רֵעֶ֑ךָ

Do not stand idly by the blood of your friend. 

This pasuk crystallizes the obligation to do something when you see someone else’s life at stake- physical or spiritual. In fact, our next unit in 7th grade Advisory is called “Do Not Stand Idly By” where our students are empowered to not be “bystanders” but to be “upstanders.”  The unit actually begins with a section on political action and the importance of reaching out to our Congressmen and  Senators to advocate for those in need. We then bring this message to how being an upstander applies to standing up to what is wrong in our classrooms and among our own friends- whether bullying or any inappropriate behaviors in which our peers are engaged. 

 

In Advisory we discuss the bystander effect with them. Why do people tend not do anything when they see others in trouble? What is standing in our way? Are we often worried about the ramficiations our getting involved will have on us? Is doing nothing just as bad as actively participating in hurthing others? What can we do to beocming updstanders? 

 

What can we as parents do to raise upstanders? The first step in raising an upstander is helping cultivate empathy. “How would I feel if this difficulty was happening to me?  What would I want others to do for me? ”  

 

As I have noted before in my column,  unfortunately, there has been a dip in empathy among children today.  Dr. Michelle Borba, Unselfie- Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World,  asserts how the “selfie” typifies the self-absorbed generation who have what she calls the “Selfie Syndrome.” “The condition is all about self-promotion, personal branding, and self-interest at the exclusion of others’ feelings, needs, and concerns. It’s permeating our culture and slowly eroding our children’s character.  Self- absorption kills empathy, the foundation of humanity, and it’s why we must get kids to switch their focus from “I, Me, Mine” to “We, Us, Our, Ours.”.

 

Borba shows how “Selfies” are all the rage  and children are constantly posting photos of themselves for others to “ooh” and “ah.” A review of recently published books indicated an increase in the word “self” or stress on much better the author is than others.    Overall, says Dr. Sara Kornath “It’s not surprising that this growing emphasis on the self is accompanied by the corresponding devaluation of others.” 

Dr. Borba continues to show that there has been an increase in narcissism- people only interested in what they can do for themselves.  Peer cruelty has increased.  There has been a decline in the moral character of kids in the past two decades.  Teen stress is at a higher level than ever before in our “plugged-in, high-pressure culture… As anxiety increases empathy wanes… Today’s kids  are the most self-centered, saddest and stressed on record.”  

Borba spends the rest of the book suggesting different strategies we as parents can implement to raise empathetic children.  For now, I would like to focus on the chapter “Empathetic Children Practice Kindness.” In essence, when children “practice kindness” they think about the needs of others more and focus less on themselves. It becomes “we” and not “me.” In addition to growing empathy, kindness also lowers anxiety, boosts health, increases self-esteem, increases gratitude and increases happiness. Believe it or not, research indicates that kind children are also more popular. Not only is kindness good for cultivating empathy and raising upstanders, but it also provides our children with overall happier and more productive lives. 

As parents, we need to stress our values- “In this house we think about others and support others. We don’t sit back when others are struggling. We reach out and help.”  This refrain applies to the situation in Ukraine and helping out in any way we can.  But, it  can also be a chesed team activity. It can be helping a friend with his math homework. It can be offering to babysit for a neighbor who is overwhelmed.  It can be a phone call to an elderly great aunt who lives alone.  We know that engaging our children in chesed activities and helping others is one way to promote kindness, empathy and the ability to stand up for others.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: As part of their Friendship unit students discuss how practical strategies to utilize when they have a “fight” or difficulty with a friend.

Seventh Grade: Students learned the skills of combatting negative thinking. 

Eighth Grade:  Students are in the middle of a unit on the changing Parent- Child relationship as teens and the ability to understand their parents needs in this relationship along with their own. 

 

How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk

 

A few weeks ago I wrote of the recent abuse and harassment in the general and Jewish world and the important role parents have in protecting their children. Since that column,  our 8th graders in Advisory frankly discussed the topic of harassment. While, as I had mentioned previously, as part of their 7th grade curriculum last year they targeted harassment and abuse head on, it always bears repetition.  

 

 We discussed why it took so long for people to come forward.  What happens when the person has power? When he is well-respected? When the victims are threatened?  When the victims are ashamed?  Are only girls victims?  The students were engaged and empowered to say something when there is something “fishy” or something that makes them feel uncomfortable. 

There were two elements that we focused upon that I want to share with you.  First, part of the lesson was a focus on what to do if you are worried about what a friend is going through. The students thoughtfully discussed the power they have to help their friends even if their friends might be upset at them for going to a trusted adult.  We will have a similar discussion with our students again when we do our sessions on substance use with them. 

We also stressed the importance of always believing and feeling that you can go to your parents with anything.  As someone who spends much of my day speaking to children about issues on their mind, there are some children who tell their parents everything. Such relationships are special. There are others, however, who share that they dare not tell their parents. More often than not, the children are mistaken and their parents would be more than accepting and helpful. 

We want our children to come to us with everything. What can we do to make that happen? 

Sarah Chana Radcliffe in her article   “Talk to Me”  said it perfectly:

And remember: If anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, tell us about it. You can always speak to us.” With these words, many parents think their job is done. If only it were that simple. 

“There’s no way I could tell my parents what was happening. I knew it was my fault. I was where I should never have been. I knew how angry they’d be.” 

This child has experienced criticism, rebuke and punishment whenever she did what she was explicitly told not to do. So, from her point of view, why would this time be an exception?

In her child’s brain, things are black and white. She’s right or wrong, good or bad, up for reward or down for punishment. She’s afraid of what will happen when she confesses that she didn’t follow her parents’ directives — when she took that shortcut home, accepted that candy from that adult (again and again), hung out with those girls her parents told her to avoid. She’s terrified her parents will be furious with her.

 

What can we do to increase the chances that our children will trust us and come to us?  The goal is to respond in a supportive manner at all times- not just when they are coming forward about harassment or abuse. 

 

 Radcliffe stresses the importance of using parenting strategies that are “consistently respectful and kind, especially when it comes to correction, guidance, and discipline.”   When we correct their behaviors they should be without “fanfare as understandable errors.”  We need to be careful not to shame, threaten or intimidate.  “When it is safe to make any kind of mistake, then it also feels safe for the child to explain how she became victimized.”  

 

When they share upset, anger or disappointment, as Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish suggest in their book,  How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,  we need to think about the words we use in response to what they express- at all times.  We need to work at not responding with words like “You’re just overreacting” or “Why are you so upset?” or “Couldn’t have you predicted that would have happened if you acted that way?”  Comments like these make them feel that we are brushing off what they have to say and their concerns are not important.  We need to make clear that all feelings are acceptable, even if we ask them to limit their actions.

 

We first need to listen quietly and attentively. We then acknowledge what they are saying with comments like “Really?” “Wow” “I get it.”  Then give their feelings a name: “That must have made you so angry!”  And, then “give the child his wishes in fantasy” - “Oh, how I wish she would have invited you too!”  

 

How do we get them to speak to us and share with us what is going on in their lives? For some a car ride is the best place so they don’t have to make eye contact.  Or spending some one on one time like going out for ice cream,  every so often can work. Or watching their favorite TV show with them. Even playing video games with them. Finding common ground is a great place to find conversation.  The more one on one interaction the better.  Trips and outings together are great. But, even trying to find one on one time each day- even if for a few minutes.  Closeness comes with regular time together. Building a relationship is the key to their telling us what is on their mind.  And, never waste time together. Cooking together? Walking to shul together?  Use that time as a chance to talk. 

 

And, the all- important eating together dinner as a family.  Studies show that families of teens who eat together show improved parent-child communication and healthier adolescent development. 

 

How do we get them to share what happened during the day like they used to when they were younger? Notice subtle signs that they want to talk to you. Drop everything you are doing when you notice that. And, avoid the general, “How was school today?” and ask more pointed questions.  If they aren’t ready to talk, don’t push them. No matter what they say it is important to remain neutral and calm and not judgemental.  No solutions, just listening. 

 

One other technique to get our children to share what is on their minds, is to provide them with a glimpse of what is going on in our minds- what happened during our day, what’s worrying us, what we are thinking about. They then model the way we communicate with them and communicate with us. 

 

When our children are upset, but do not seem to want to open up, we can tell them that we notice and offer them another way to communicate with us. A note, an e-mail or text- all are fine when they are ready. 

 

After trying all these techniques, it goes without saying that if you are worried about your child and he/she won’t open up to you, that might be time to consult with a professional to help you figure out what is going on. 

 

The Gemara in Sanhedrin 70b states:

תנו רבנן לעולם תהא שמאל דוחה וימין מקרבת

The Sages taught: Always have the left hand drive away and the right draw near.

 

When raising our children we are firm with our left hand -the weaker hand, and draw them near with the right. Going back to Dr. Radcliffe, they will trust us more if we generally deal with them with love, affection and support- drawing them near,  and rarely driving them away. In the article Seven Jewish Parenting Principles, Inspired by Experience, by Yael Trusch, she quotes Radcliffe and two other noted Jewish psychologists: 

Sarah Chanah Radcliffe suggests an 80:20 ratio of positive to negative interactions with our children (and our spouses) and 90:10 for teenagers. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski recommends a 70:30 ratio. Dr. Miriam Adahan suggests “one-third love, one-third law and one-third sitting on your hands (i.e., turn a blind eye).”  It is that unconditional acceptance that brings them to tell you what is on their mind. 

 

The Gemara in Sanhedrin 88a speaks of the בן סורר ומורה - the rebellious son and notes “בן סורר ומורה שרצו אביו ואמו למחול לו מוחלין לו - A stubborn and rebellious son whose father and mother sought to forgive him, they can forgive him.  And, in fact, the Rambam adds that this forgiveness even works after he is sentenced to death and they can thereby save him.  Why? The Shem MiShmuel beautifully explains, “As long as his parents believe in him, his fate is not sealed.” 

As long as we as parents are there for our children in a non-judgmental, accepting manner they will come to us. As long as we communicate to them, “No matter what you have done or have to say, we are there for you unconditionally” and we always believe in them,  they will open up to us.  

 

 

 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students engaged in a mid-year locker cleanout using the P.A.C.K. organizational system they learned. 

Seventh Grade:  Students focused on how our attitudes can affect our ability  to be resilient when faced with difficulty. 

 

Eighth Grade;  Students discussed how to manage when life does not go as planned, utilizing lessons from Who Moved My Cheese and techniques like reframing, self- talk, the silver lining technique and the power of choice. 

 

 

  

Bar/ Bat Mitzvah and Choice for Life

 This past week I was privileged to be a part of the beautiful mother-daughter bat mitzvah event.  One of my favorite parts of the event happens weeks before, and likewise happens a few weeks before the boys’ father- son bar mitzvah event.  The students are met with and asked now that they have reached גיל המצוות and mitzvot truly count we are asking them to pick a mitzvah or a midda that they each want to work on. And, more importantly, they need to say what their practical plan is for working on that mitzvah or midda.  Then their pledge is typed up on a label which is placed in the Chumash that they receive as a gift from the YPAA. 

Each year during the lesson to choose that mitzvah/midda we show them a video by Mr. Charlie Haray and his son which discusses what makes being a bar/ bat mitzvah a monumental time and it is the ability to choose.  It is the capacity to choose between good and evil. Strength in Judaism is not the ability to “benchpress” Mr. Harary's son says. But, strength is measured by how much you can overcome your desires for bad to do good, or overlook your needs to focus on the needs of others- to choose good over evil

At age 12/13 we each get a yetzer hatov. (As Avot D’Rabi Natan 16 states).  What does that mean? The word yetzer comes from the word yatzar which means formed- it develops within us. When we are born we are totally selfish and only think about ourselves. Until 12/13 our yetzer is selfish and the root of evil is being selfish. But, at the age of bar/bat mitzvah we are given the gift of a “good inclination”  Hashem gives our divine spark and our soul more power. That force inside is selfless.  It reminds us to care about others, reach out to them and not only worry about ourselves. Only then can we actively choose to do mitzvot. 

And, this is why at the age of bar/ bat mitzvah a person is obligated in mitzvot and mitzvot start to “count” as he/she can finally think about others, including G-d. Only once a person can think beyond himself can he have a relationship with G-d. Only then he has the ability to choose. 

That is what bar/bat mitzvah is all about. That is why we ask our bnai and bnot mitzvah to choose a mitzvah or a midda, because for the first time they can choose to work on something and therefore it counts.  

Choice is what true freedom is all about and is a pathway to fulfillment. This past week, we shared with our parent body the workshop facilitated by Ohel and Dr. Norman Blumenthal . Hope & Resilience: A Conversation with Dr. Edith Eger. I will speak more about that workshop another time, but Dr. Eger’s first book was called The Choice.   Dr. Eger is a psychologist and a Holocaust survivor. She writes in her book regarding suffering in life,  “...victimhood comes from the inside. No one can make you a victim but you.  We become victims not because of what happens to us but when we choose to hold on to our victimization….We cannot choose to have a life free of hurt. But we can choose to be free, to escape the past, no matter what befalls us, and to embrace the possible.  I invite you to make the choice to be free.”  

Dr. Eger writes that one of her mentors was Dr. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and also a Holocaust survivor and author of the book Man’s Search for Meaning.   In our seventh grade Advisory class we do speak of Dr. Frankl and his philosophy as we discuss how to cope with difficulties in life.  He notes, “Everything can be taken from a man or woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”  

We know that a fundamental belief in Judaism is בחירה חפשית freedom of choice. We raise our children with the self-confidence that they have the ability to choose the right path. It is up to them to choose. No one can choose for them. And,  no one can force them to choose the bad path- no amount of peer pressure, or negative life circumstances can force their choice. Only they can choose. 

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade: Began a unit on organization.

Seventh Grade; Focused on what it means to be resilient.

Eight Grade: Student discussed: How do we deal when life doesn't turn out the way we plan.