לְמַה? Teens And Growth-Promoting Emotions

         When I started working with adolescents in schools  28 years ago I was surprised that many books for teens, and at times books read in school, were mostly not “upbeat.” (A shout- out to our fabulous English teachers here at Yavneh under the leadership of Mrs. Rubin who carefully assess every book before introducing them to the students! And, of course, if a particular book covers an area that is particularly sensitive to a child due to family circumstances, they are always the first to consult with the family and me before having the child read the book). As an individual,  I always prefer reading books that take me to “never never land” and are positive. And, I prefer to watch comedies and shy away from movies with tragedy.   But, it seems that the average teen enjoys reading (or watching movies) that present life’s struggles.  Barbara Feinberg, in the Time Magazine Learning Network, calls those books “problem novels.” 

Jillie Eisenberg in her Open Book Blog says that as an English teacher of middle and high school students she purposefully chooses such books. When teens read in their free time they generally choose books that “make them laugh.” (Although we all know that dystopian novels for teens have become quite popular).  But, she says that the books she prefers are books that students would not choose for themselves and that those books 

•  provide an opener into difficult conversations and topics

• offer complex themes, characters, and motivations worthy of multiple readings

• give young readers words to express what they are feeling or experiencing

• model how we act and talk about tough situations,

• reinforce the development of the whole child: we want children to explore the whole human condition and develop empathy

• prepare young readers for the world they belong in and will someday lead

• prepare them for profound, challenging books to come in middle school and high school 

(Of course, I would add here that each book needs to be assessed individually for its appropriateness and I am a big believer in allowing children to read books that make them laugh in school as well). 

Some weeks ago, I began reading the book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers-  Raising Connected, Capable and Compassionate Adolescents by Dr. Lisa Damour. She begins her book with certain “myths” about adolescence.  Myth #2 “Difficult Emotions Are Bad for Teens.”  She begins that segment with a conversation with a teacher trying to choose a book for her class and doubting the appropriateness of a possible choice.  Damour echoes Eisenberg above

 “From there I explained that several psychological studies have confirmed that reading helps to foster empathy. Far from being harmful to teenagers, reading compelling narratives of lived experiences builds compassion and the ability to take another person’s perspective.  Perhaps the most interesting, research shows that this effect is only achieved when young people become emotionally engaged with what they are reading….But I know in the long run it’s good for young people to experience powerful emotions, even ones that knock them off balance…There is, without question, developmental value in reading evocative accounts of other people’s lives, even when their stories trouble us greatly. Parents tend to have good instincts about what their kids can and can’t handle and I’d be open to their questions about what’s being assigned. That said, as long as the books are age-appropriate, are read with the help of a thoughtful teacher, and are accompanied by meaningful class discussions, I would say that engaging with stories that inspire uncomfortable emotions is not too much to ask of most kids. In fact it plays a critical role in helping young people grow. “

Exposure to some emotional pain does lead to maturation- whether when exposed to literature or to a real-life circumstance. But Damour says there is a difference between an event that is “disquieting” versus one that crosses the line to “traumatic.” (We can talk more about that another week).  Bottom- line- “We don’t want to shield our teenagers from intense, growth-promoting emotions, but we don't want them to encounter situations that can cause trauma.” And, when that line is crossed often depends on the teenager.  “While adolescents benefit from learning how to swim through choppy emotional waters, they should never be allowed to feel as if they are drowning.”  And, parents should also feel comfortable reaching out when they feel something might overpower their child’s coping skills. But, our goal as educators is that every novel chosen should be an opportunity for growth for our students. (And, I still vividly recall the group of sixth graders who knocked on my door after reading A Long Walk to Water, eager to do a tzedakah campaign to raise money for the people in Africa to get clean and healthy water. Wow!) 

I have been thinking about this “myth #2: Difficult emotions are bad for teens”  of Dr. Damour since the war in Israel had begun.  The moment Yom Tov was over we, the Yavneh administration, had a zoom meeting to discuss our plan over the next days for different ages in the school.  We have been trying to strike the balance between protecting our students from exposures that can be traumatic to them, while at the same time providing for them experiences of inspiration and the feeling that they can do something to help.  Last week, I highlighted two particular areas of growth that our children have focused on in the past days.  (And, I am sure you have read the many emails going out and have attended some zooms regarding how to manage the situation with your teens from Ohel, Chai Lifeline and other such organizations. And, of course access to social media and to disturbing images can be particularly damaging, as we have shared). 

While we have been protecting our children from being exposed to trauma, their knowing that there is a terrible situation happening in Israel and exposure to difficult emotions can provide some growth.  I have read recently about “post-traumatic growth” highlighting five areas of psychological and emotional change/growth that exposure to difficult situations can provide, based on psychological research studies.  The five areas are: (as noted by Aharon Zev Moshel in his article “Chassidic Lessons on Growing Through Trauma”)

1. Personal Strength- realization of inner strength that was not realized before. A feeling of self-reliance and knowing that one can handle difficulties. 

2. New Possibilities- taking on a new way of life or doing something he/she would otherwise not have done before.

3. Appreciation of life- the overall enhancement of the way everyday life is perceived. Different priorities for what is important  

4. Relating to others- enhanced relationships with others. Helping others taking a forefront position in their lives. Knowing that they can rely on others as well. 

5. Spiritual change- spirituality becoming a new focus in their lives. 

When deciding on what we plan on doing at Yavneh Academy middle school to connect to Israel and our brothers and sisters there we are trying to choose experiences that will provide opportunities for personal strength, new possibilities, appreciation of life, enhanced relating to others and spiritual change.  Our goal again, as educators, is that every project, initiative, or program chosen should be an opportunity for growth for our students. 

My daughter is in seminary in Israel and she and her fellow classmates had the privilege of hearing Rabbi Leo Dee speak this past week.  Rabbi Dee was inspirational and practical with  the girls.  He shared a message that I had heard him share closer to the death of his wife and daughters. He began by noting that Noach was a person who faced tragedy in his life.  How was Noach able to go on and start anew after the flood? He quoted Rav Soloveitchik who said that when tragedy strikes, we should not ask  לָמָה -why- but rather to ask לְמַה -for what? What will we do now?  Only G-d can answer לָמָה, but only we can answer לְמַה.   What do we do now and what is our role?  The post- traumatic growth. 

Rabbi David Fohrman notes that before the flood,  וַיִּסְגֹּ֥ר ה’ בַּֽעֲדֽו- “And, G-d shut him in” (into the ark).  Hashem closed the door before the flood. But, when the flood was over, who opened the door?  וַיָּ֤סַר נֹ֨חַ֙ אֶת־מִכְסֵ֣ה הַתֵּבָ֔ה - “And Noach removed the covering of the ark”.  “G-d had given man a new lease on life; now it would be up to man to make the most of it.” 

After such a tragic time in Israel, we think about that post- traumatic growth- the  לְמַה- for what? What personal strength can we uncover? What new possibilities are before us? How do we appreciate life more than ever? How can we relate to others through reaching out to them? And, how can I enhance my spirituality?  And, how can we  help our children experience uncomfortable emotions to  uncover the “ לְמַה”- compassion and personal growth? 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students learned the P.A.C.K. method to organization in Advisory. They also began Homeroom which focuses on time management.

Seventh Grade: Students focused on the skills of empathy.

Eighth Grade:  Students began investigating the high school application process.  

Two Kinds of Ahava- Skills for Life For Our Teens

 

This week has been a heart-wrenching week for Israel, the Jewish people and for us here at Yavneh. As we communicated with you on Monday, our goal is to balance maintaining normalcy and a regular schedule to ensure that our students feel secure while at the same time helping our students deal with all they are hearing in the world around them, and allowing them to play a role in supporting Israel.  I have been so proud of our middle school students. They have truly come forward with ideas to support Israel and feel a connection to their Homeland. 

In addition to the blue and white sale and other “actions” the students have been initiating, there have been two other areas that I believe are important life skills, in which our students have been engaging this past week.

The first is talking to Hashem and turning to Him with all that is on our minds.  While our students have davened daily since pre-K, I believe that our students felt this week that there are times in life that only Hashem can listen, hear you, and help. For those who have been reading my column for some time you will know that I am a big believer in a “different” type of SEL- (which normally stands for Social Emotional Learning)- Spiritual Emunah Learning. Our students have experienced emunah this past week and the message that when they are feeling worried they can turn to Hashem to talk to. 

 As I have noted before, emunah and bitachon in Hashem have tremendous power to combat fear, anxiety and uncertainty.  We know the plethora of psychological research substantiating the impact of belief in G-d and religion on lowering anxiety.  79% of studies in a 2015 review by Duke University of 3,000 research studies investigating the relationship between religion and psychological well-being showed a link between religion and psychological well-being. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” Studies indicate that people who believe in G-d and pray to Him actually get healthier more quickly, can tolerate pain and difficulty better, have more positive attitudes, are more persistent,  and are even happier. Higher  levels of “religiosity” are overall associated with better mental health. 

This past week, our students have learned that when we feel worried, scared or uncertain we can turn to Hashem and He will always listen. We have discussed the power of our tefillot in helping the soldiers face battles, but those tefillot also lower our anxiety and worries. But, not only during difficult times should this be the focus. We as the adults in their lives need to help our children develop personal relationships with Hashem.  My children often tease me when something frustrating happens to me and I say “Hashem!”  While not an intensive tefillah, somewhere I learned that when something happens that is not what you expect, you can turn to G-d. My Zeidi, a Holocaust survivor, a”h, always used to tell us that when you are scared to say “Shema.”  The more we talk to Hashem outside of structured tefillah the more we develop that relationship. And, the key is to talk to Hashem when things are going well or even when you experience success. “Thank you Hashem for this 100 on my test!” No need to wait for structured tefillah to talk to Hashem.  As we say each day in davening Hashem is אבינו אב הרחמן .  Just like we reach out to a parent whenever we need, we reach out to Hashem.These subtle messages our children get as they grow help them strengthen their emunah and their psychological well-being.  

And, I must share one of my favorite parables (again, shared in this column before), by Slovie Jungreis Wolf in her book Raising a Child With Soul which demonstrates the power of emunah to provide stability to our children:

“On Sunday morning, Mendy and I took a trip into Manhattan with our children. We decided to spend the day at Chelsea Piers… Once inside, the kids decided to attempt the rock- climbing wall.  My then four- year-old son, Akiva, insisted on joining his older siblings as they began their ascent. I watched him harnessed in ropes, as his little figure grew smaller with each step. My heart beat a little quicker until he finally made it down. I ran over to him and hugged him hard. ‘Akiva, weren’t you scared?’ I asked.  He looked at me for a second and then replied simply, ‘No, Mommy. Of course I wasn’t afraid. Why should I be? I was connected!” It dawned on me that this small child had just uncovered a significant truth.  You can go through an array of life experiences, some quite difficult to bear; however, if you feel connected to a higher source, you never have to be afraid.” 

 In addition to our students learning that when faced with tough times you need to strengthen your relationship with G-d, they also learned about the importance of strengthening their relationships with members of Am Yisrael they may not even know.  We are all brothers and sisters. It does not matter if hashkafically they are not exactly like us or that they speak a different language. A few weeks ago I had a conversation with two Yavneh teachers about what we all have gained by being exposed to different Jewish communities that might not be like ours. I spoke fondly of a trip we had in high school where we visited different Jewish communities and a representative spoke to us about what made their community special.  We often spend so much time critiquing other Jewish communities without noting that we are all one people. This past week our students have learned what true Ahavat Yisrael is.  And this love is not just about loving strangers in our nation, it is about how we treat and consider the people in our personal lives as well. And strengthening positive attitudes towards others is also found in the research to impact positively on psychological well-being. 

I recently read on Aish.com: The story is told of Rabbi Eliya Lopian (20th century Israel) who was holed up in a crowded bomb shelter during the 1948 War of Independence. A few of the people inside the shelter were speaking Loshon Hara, when suddenly Rabbi Lopian got up, opened the bomb shelter door and stepped outside. "But there's rockets raining overhead," the people shouted, "You're putting yourself in great danger!" Rabbi Lopian calmly turned to them and said, "By sitting amidst gossip, I am in even greater danger." 

 Jewish unity and love for others are needed to win this battle as well,  but not only during difficult times should this be the focus. What can we do as parents to help our children to not be wary of other Jewish groups, but rather appreciate them for their admirable qualities?  Can we speak about others with Ahavat Yisrael, benefit of the doubt and positive outlooks on a day to day basis? 

This past week our students lived the importance of two types of אהבה- love- ואהבת את ה אלוקיך and ואהבת לרעך כמוך - a relationship with G-d and with Am Yisrael. Both are relationships we need to foster for both the success of the Jewish people, particularly during difficult times, and our own psychological well-being.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Based on pieces of advice for middle school success from last year’s sixth graders, this year’s students chose some practical strategies they may want to include this year.

Seventh Grade: Students began a new unit on Empathy called Operation Respect. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began diving into the application process and what might affect high school choice. 

Teshuva and Atomic Habits

  As we approach Yom Kippur, the culmination of Aseret Yimei Teshuva, we all know what we want to improve and change- but how?  In his book Atomic Habits James Clear writes about “an easy and proven way to build good habits and break bad ones” through “tiny changes”  or what he calls “atomic habits.”  (My thanks to Rabbi Knapp for introducing me to this book a few years ago).  While this is not a Jewish book, it most definitely can help us achieve Teshuva this season.  (Clear’s book has so many elements in it that we can apply to Teshuva.  I will focus on only a few from the first half of the book for this column…this year). 

One reason we are often hesitant to make changes in our lives or to do Teshuva is because it feels overwhelming.  “There is no way I can go to the gym daily!” “I won’t be able to work on not speaking lashon hara.”  As Clear writes, “Whether it is losing weight, building a business, writing a book, winning a championship, or achieving any other goal, we put pressure on ourselves to make some earth- shattering improvement that everyone will talk about.” 

 But, in essence, it is not about those huge changes, but rather about small improvements. Even if one improves by 1% each year - there is a compound interest of self-improvement which makes a huge impact over months and years- atomic habits. (And, the opposite, if we repeat 1 percent errors, it accumulates into a large problem). Clear uses a vivid “mashal” (parable!). The impact of those 1% atomic changes is like shifting an airplane by a few degrees.  That change may not be noticeable at takeoff, but when you end up a hundred of miles away from your destination those changes are  quite impactful.  So, too with melting ice. Your room is at 26 degrees, then 27, 28, - no change in the ice cube. Then 29, 30, 31- no change. Then suddenly at 32 the ice begins to melt.  Many might have given up before the 32 degree mark- as change was not happening quickly enough. 

Clear calls that critical threshold when change happens the “plateau of latent potential.”  Many of us give up because we are struggling to change, and feel it is happening too slowly.  “Your work was not wasted; it is just being stored.  All the action happens at 32 degrees.” It is the small beginnings, the practice and those seeds we plant. We therefore have to stick with a behavior or a habit until we reach that plateau of latent potential. 

Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern, in his article “Strategies for  Successful Teshuva”  reiterates James Clear’s focus on atomic habits and not earth-shattering improvements.  

BEGIN WITH SOMETHING EASY. Using the example of improving kavana in davening, we should initially focus on small segments, giving preference to the parts of davening where kavana is required…The same method applies for doing chesed or giving tzedaka. Giving large amounts of tzedaka or doing too much chesed may be too overwhelming and stressful. Doing small daily acts of chesed or tzedaka will be more effective in making lasting changes in how we fulfill these mitzvos (cf commentary of the Rambam on Avos 3:15)...Similarly, if you encounter difficulty in setting aside time for learning, you should start small… PROGRESS SLOWLY. Rav Wolbe writes that teshuva is a gradual process (Alei Shur, vol. 2 p. 438). Therefore, it is extremely vital not to progress too quickly. Failure to do so can result in becoming stressed out and giving up the resolution. 

And, as I have shared in the past, habits  and practice, practice, practice are essential to developing and achieving goals as noted in Rambam Hilchot Deot, 1:7. The Rambam asks how can we ensure that positive character traits become part of who we are- even ones that we do not naturally have and need to work on?

וְכֵיצַד יַרְגִּיל אָדָם עַצְמוֹ בְּדֵעוֹת אֵלּוּ עַד שֶׁיִּקָּבְעוּ בּוֹ. יַעֲשֶׂה וְיִשְׁנֶה וִישַׁלֵּשׁ בַּמַּעֲשִׂים שֶׁעוֹשֶׂה עַל פִּי הַדֵּעוֹת הָאֶמְצָעִיּוֹת וְיַחֲזֹר בָּהֶם תָּמִיד עַד שֶׁיִּהְיוּ מַעֲשֵׂיהֶם קַלִּים עָלָיו וְלֹא יִהְיֶה בָּהֶם טֹרַח עָלָיו וְיִקָּבְעוּ הַדֵּעוֹת בְּנַפְשׁוֹ.

  “How can one train himself to follow these temperaments to the extent that they become a permanent fixture of his [personality]? He should perform - repeat - and perform a third time - the acts which conform to the standards of the middle road temperaments. He should do this constantly, until these acts are easy for him and do not present any difficulty. Then, these temperaments will become a fixed part of his person.”

And, it’s those little habits and actions that can change a person in his/her entirety and allow him/her to achieve change. As the Sefer HaChinuch says in Mitzvah 16, 

י האדם נפעל כפי פעולותיו, ולבו וכל מחשבותיו תמיד אחר מעשיו שהוא עושה בהם, אם טוב ואם רע, ואפילו רשע גמור בלבבו וכל יצר מחשבות לבו רק רע כל היום, אם יערה רוחו וישים השתדלותו ועסקו בהתמדה בתורה ובמצוות, ואפילו שלא לשם שמים, מיד ינטה אל הטוב, ובכח מעשיו ימית היצר הרע, כי אחרי הפעולות נמשכים הלבבות.

Outward actions have the power to shape one’s inner character. The mitzvot are those actions which will guarantee the improvement of one’s character. A person is influenced by his actions, and his heart and thoughts follow the acts he does whether they are good or bad. Even one who is a completely wicked person, who constantly thinks of doing bad deeds, if he is inspired for the better and puts time into fulfilling Torah and mitzvot, even if it is not for the sake of Heaven, he will turn to the good and he will overcome his Evil Inclination through the power of these actions, since the heart follows the actions a person does.

The problem is that we set goals without focusing on systems.  We might say  “We want to win the championship” without establishing the system or the process of how to get there. Inevitably you might often not achieve that goal, which leads to disappointment. And, then once you reach your goal, you might give up the habits- it is truly the habits that are important. (i.e. you win the championship so you stop training and then your ability to win will then diminish).  To truly change one must be committed to the process to achieve progress. And to achieve a goal one may have to change one’s system. 

And, then one needs to make a plan for change- or what he calls “an implementation intention”- how you intend to implement a specific behavior/habit- a concrete plan of action. “I will read the English in my Artscroll for the Shemoneh Esrei every Tuesday as I am davening.”  And, a great way to do this is what Clear calls “habit stacking” - you can pair a new habit with a habit you already do. “After I throw away my garbage at lunch, I will say a beracha acharona.”  “Right after I take off my shoes when I come into the house, I will put on my sneakers to exercise.” 

This is similar to the last step of the Teshuva process קבלה על העתיד-  the commitment not to repeat the sin in the future.  Rabbi Efrem Goldberg in his article “Judaism and No Regrets” quotes from the book The Power of No Regrets by Daniel Pink where he notes the three steps of regret, which interestingly enough correlate with Judaism's view. The subtitle of Pink’s book is “How looking backward moves us forward.” Rabbi Goldberg adds, “After regret, the next step in repentance is called in Hebrew kabbalah al ha’atid, extracting a lesson for the future, giving the regret meaning by turning it into positive action. We pivot from those wrong decisions, actions, or feelings and redirect our priorities, focus, and choices.” In this step of Teshuva we need to focus on what actions- what system will we implement in the future and what the plan of action will be in a practical way. 

Clear also highlights the importance of focusing on the new identity you want to create.  As he provides examples: “The goal is not to read a book. The goal is to become a reader.  The goal is not to run a marathon. The goal is to become a runner.”  And, to bring this concept to this time of year of Teshuva, “The goal is not to be the chazan. The goal is to be someone who is a ‘pray-er.’” Once a person believes in one’s identity he/she is more likely to behave in a way that is aligned with that belief.  

And, the opposite is true.  Often people go through life thinking “I am someone who is always late.” “I’m bad with directions.”   or “I can’t connect to Tefillah.”  “I am not a spiritual person.”  We accept these judgments as fact and then we resist actions because “that is not who I am.”  The most practical way to change who you are is to change what you do.  Slowly engaging in a habit can lead to you changing who you think you are. Decide the type of person you want to be.  Then, you change it bit by bit, habit by habit until you see yourself differently. As Clear describes, “Each time you practice the violin, you are a musician.”  And, of course, the opposite as well. Each time you engage in a bad habit,  it is a vote for that identity. 

This reminds me of what the Rambam states in his Hilchot Teshuva 2:4. When a person does Teshuva he changes his name and proclaims: 

כְּלוֹמַר אֲנִי אַחֵר וְאֵינִי אוֹתוֹ הָאִישׁ שֶׁעָשָׂה אוֹתָן הַמַּעֲשִׂים

…as if to say "I am a different person and not the same one who sinned;"

An integral part of Teshuva is voting for your new identity. 

The best way to build new habits is to first “get a handle” on our current ones as one of the greatest challenges in “changing habits is maintaining awareness of what we are actually doing.”  Part of this process is to analyze- what are your habits, and are they good ones?  The first step to behavior change is awareness.   

This awareness is of course similar to the first step of Teshuva called הכרת החטא- recognizing one’s sin or ידיעת החטא- knowing what your sin is.  The first step in self- improvement is being aware of what needs to be changed or improved. 

He also speaks about the importance of the environment when it comes to change. If you put the apples on the counter in a basket you will eat them (instead of the chocolate in the cabinet). But, if the apples are in the refrigerator, you will never eat them.  We can redesign our environment so it is more conducive to change. And, locations have an association.  If  your couch is where you watch TV, it’s not a great place to study. That fits in with the concept of מקום קבוע- a set place, for Tefilla.  When I daven at home, I try to daven in the same place each time and clear away all distractions (especially my phone).  And, definitely not in the room where I watch TV. 

And, interestingly enough. Clear quotes research that better “disciplined people are better at structuring their lives in a way that does not require heroic willpower and self-control. In other words, they spend less time in tempting situations.”  If you can’t stop watching TV before bed, take the TV out of your bedroom, for example. 

Rabbi Dovid Gottleib in his article for Ohr Sameach “Strategic Teshuva” points to how environment can often be a trigger for sin:

 Our first responsibility is for our actions. When the "triggers" of the bad habits and midot occur, it is extremely difficult to stop the habits and midot from acting. One solution is to try to avoid the triggers. Change the environment. Move your residence if you can. If you can't, spend as much time in another environment which will provide respite from the temptation. Certain activities cause tension which triggers anger. If you cannot avoid those activities, alternate with relaxing activities.

A second solution is to add something to the environment which will make it easier to do the right thing. If you have trouble getting up for davening in shul, make a study partner for ten minutes before davening. Then, when the alarm rings and you reach over to push the snooze button, you will think: "But what if my study partner comes and I'm not there?! How embarrassing!" - and you will get up

The key is to control the environment by avoiding some things and creatively adding others so that it will be easier to do the right thing…Therefore, avoiding the triggers and adding payoffs may be the only way to gain control. Yes, the ultimate goal is to become immune to the temptations. But this may require two stages: First avoiding the triggers and adding payoffs; and then developing the psychological strength to resist. Trying to do without the first stage may make the second stage impossible.

One other element of environment is the friends with whom you associate. I often discuss with students the importance of choosing friends who help you grow. As it says in Avot 2:9- 

ט) אָמַר לָהֶם, צְאוּ וּרְאוּ אֵיזוֹהִי דֶרֶךְ יְשָׁרָה שֶׁיִּדְבַּק בָּהּ הָאָדָם.…רַבִּי יְהוֹשֻׁעַ אוֹמֵר, חָבֵר טוֹב

He [Rabban Yohanan] said unto them: go forth and observe which is the right way to which a man should cleave? … Rabbi Yehoshua said, a good friend

Notice the language of “שֶׁיִּדְבַּק”- cleave or stick to  The friend should be part of your environment. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks in his article Faith and Friendshp speaks about how Hashem told Moshe in Bamidbar 11 to gather 70 elders to be with him.

 “It is as if God were saying to Moses, “Remember what your father-in-law Jethro told you. Do not try to lead alone. Do not try to live alone.[3] Even you, the greatest of the prophets, are still human, and humans are social animals. Enlist others. Choose associates. End your isolation. Have friends.”

Rabbi Sacks says that this was to create a “chevra” for Moshe. As the Rambam says in Hilchot Deot 6:1: 

It is natural to be influenced in character and conduct by your friends and associates, and to follow the fashions of your fellow citizens. Therefore one ought to ensure that your friends are virtuous and that you frequent the company of the wise so that you learn from the way they live, and that you keep a distance from bad company.

Continues Rabbi Sacks, “Hence the life changing idea: we tend to become what our friends are. So choose as friends people who are what you aspire to be.”

One last item, (from the 2nd half of the book, which I really think is key), Clear calls “habit tracking.”  The easiest way to keep track of whether you are doing a habit you have chosen is to keep track on a calendar and literally check off when you have done it.  Research indicates that those who track their habits are more likely to improve.  It is also incredibly motivating  and satisfying, providing immediate gratification. 

Rabbi Yitzchak Berkovitz highlights this “tracking” as a step of Teshuva as well. “Then keep a record of your progress (either on paper or mentally). As long as the block is still present, and is a bit of a struggle, do not go further. Keep at it until the obstacle is removed and the strength can come out. Once it’s easy, move on to the next obstacle to actualize the next strength.”

In the book Atomic Habits James Clear provides the psychological research studies supporting his suggestions and much of the steps of Teshuva that we practice as Jews.  How lucky we are that we have this opportunity to build good habits and stop bad ones with slow incremental changes, assisted by Hashem who is always eagerly awaiting our return and ready to accept our Teshuva. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students got to know each other through a puzzle making activity and focused on how to have a discussion in Advisory.

Seventh Grade:  Students spoke about their year theme - “Prepare Yourself To Change The World”- by starting with self-change, perfectly timed for this time of year.  This week they focused on the impact of their words on others. 

Eighth Grade: Students learned how to set S.M.A.R.T. goals for themselves this year and will receive an email at the end of the year seeing how they did at achieving those goals. 

Praise the Effort- Not the Grades!!

 I believe that it is no coincidence that the new school year coincides with the new Jewish year. Just like we utilized Elul (usually the end of summer) to get ready for the new calendar year ahead, we can use Elul to get ready for the new school year ahead.  Just like in Elul we do some   חשבון הנפש  - inner self- reflection and consider, “What can I do differently this coming year?” So too, students, teachers and parents do some חשבון הנפש and consider what can be different this year as well. 

However, there is some potential disappointment that can follow such חשבון הנפש.  What if the past year did not work out the way you had planned? From the spiritual and religious perspective- what if you feel that you did not grow and did not follow up on last year’s “new year resolutions” to improve in specific areas of character and religiosity? 

 And, as a student (or teacher/parent), what if you did not succeed in all the areas you had intended?  Perhaps your grades were not as good in math as you had wanted. Or, maybe you often were disorganized and lost your papers. Or even socially, maybe you weren’t able to find your niche and make the friends you had wanted. The beginning of the year has the potential of being a very depressing time of year “I wasn’t able to do it last year! What is the chance of me being able to do it this year?!” 

That is where we as parents and teachers come in. A few weeks ago my husband and I were interviewed on an OU  podcast on the topic of “Conquering the Back to School Jitters.”   Oftentimes, I mentioned, the reason children have those “back to school jitters” or are hesitant about the return to school is because they are only focused on their failures and not at all focused on all they had accomplished the previous year. I then offered a practical intervention which is  a tradition we started about 10 years ago in our home where we go out to dinner some time before the start of the new school year  and we hand  each of our children letters we wrote about what their accomplishments were in the past year that made us proud.  The goal of those letters is to have the children focus on what they can be proud of.  So, they do not enter the year only recalling and re-hashing all that went “wrong” last year. They enter the year with the pride of the progress they made and hopeful that they can be successful. 

Some items in the letters are non- academic accomplishments, like student council, a tzedakah drive, being deemed by the teacher as respectful  or even being kind to a child in their class who felt lost.  

But, how about areas which might have been challenging to our children and they may actually not have done well?  We still shower praise in those areas. “So proud of how hard you worked in math and you never gave up even when it was challenging.”   He/she was successful despite a low grade.. How?!

Dr. Carole Dweck, famous for her book Mindset, reveals a truth that when kept in mind can change one’s perspective on success.  Dweck believes that most people have a misunderstanding of what intelligence truly is. This misunderstanding is integrally connected to how we as parents and teachers praise our children.  In reality, intelligence is not fixed, but can be enhanced through learning.  We often praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!”  This simply sets them up for negative feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term.  On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their perseverance, strategies, and  improvement, leads to greater self- confidence.  “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can do together to figure out what you do not understand.” 

Dweck studied the effects of praise over and over with children in different settings and of different ethnicities.  In one study, some children were told, “You must be smart at these problems” and the other group were told “You must have worked hard at these problems.” Students who were praised for intelligence blamed problems they got wrong on their intelligence, while the group praised for effort attributed those wrong problems to effort...and felt they could do better the next time. When children were given a choice to choose a task, those in the intelligence praise group only chose activities they knew they could do well.  Those in the “process praise” group chose tasks from which they thought they could learn.  Dweck emphatically found, “Praising students’ intelligence give them a short burst of pride, followed by a long string of negative consequences…Students praised for effort made more reference to skills, knowledge, and areas they could change through effort and learning...Process praise keeps students focused, not on something called ability that they may or may not have and that magically creates success or failure, but on processes they can all engage in to learn.” Most importantly, Dweck stressed that effort is as important as talent.

  Dr. Angela Duckworth, in her theory about the importance of grit, adds to Dweck’s theory by also stressing the essential nature of  effort. “Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity and plateaus in progress. The gritty individual approaches achievement as a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina.  Whereas disappointment or boredom signals to others that it is time to change trajectory and cut losses, the gritty individual stays the course.” Effort and the ability to not give up creates the champion. We are always proud of the effort!  We never praise the product. We praise the process. 

Recently I attended a pre-Yamim Noraim shiur by Rabbi Moshe Tzvi Weinberg and he shared a similar message when it comes to our spiritual growth.  He focused on the fact that when we make siyum we say “אנו עמלים “ - we work hard, and we do not say “אנו לומדים” - we learn.  Because it is the effort, the hard work that counts. Even if we do not accomplish the goal in mind, it is the effort and the process that earns us the praise. This concept is what the quote (the actual source is a matter of discussion) says אין דבר העומד בפני הרצון, nothing stands in the way of desire.  You may not have achieved your goal, but you had the רצון. So, when G-d evaluates you on Rosh HaShana He doesn’t necessarily judge you based on what you achieved, but on your desire and your effort.  Did you try? Then you made it! 

So, as we begin a new year in school and in life- we may not always achieve those religious and academic goals we have set for ourselves, but  may we always remind our children and ourselves that it is the effort that counts, and as long as we try our best we have succeeded.  As parents, we play an integral role in reinforcing the importance of effort with our children by the way we challenge and praise them. 

Advisory Update:

6th Grade:  Our students learned what Advisory is all about, created group rules and did some getting to know you puzzle making activities. 

7th Grade:  Students were introduced to the theme of this year’s Advisory- “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.”

8th Grade:  Based on a video of Yavneh graduates speaking about their 8th grade experience, students were introduced to the theme “Preparing For Life After  Yavneh”  and were introduced to the fact that they will be learning practical skills to help them in the applying and transitioning to high school experience.