The Road to Resilience

I recently watched an OU webinar where Sherri Mandell, whose son Koby Mandell was killed in May 2001 by terrorists, on the topic of “How to find resilience in these challenging times.” She spoke of her book The Road to Resilience - From Chaos to Celebration and I immediately went on Amazon to purchase it. As you may know, we do a unit with our 7th graders in Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Facing Adversity in Life” which is about building the skills of resilience, and so I was also wondering if there were any elements of the book I could use.  (We actually do a piece on the special resilience of the people who live in Israel and how the Israelis are able to withstand the challenges they face. Interestingly enough, similar to what I pointed out last week regarding our “Do Not Stand Idly By” unit, even though we have been doing the piece on Israel resilience for many years- it is all too applicable now).  

Mrs. Mandell speaks of the spiritual stages of resilience which she calls ‘the seven C’s- chaos, community, choice, creativity, commemoration, consecration and celebration.”  There are so many messages found within this book. The second “C” community particularly struck me during the time we are in. 

She quotes two psychological studies which prove the importance of community in helping a person heal from difficulty and remain resilient. The first is a study on friendship done by the University of Virginia.  When two friends climb a hill together, the hill seems less steep then when they each climb it alone.  Additionally, a study in Nepal done by Dr. Brandon Kohrt from Duke University, of 141  former child soldiers found that “children’s postwar mental health was more dependent on how their families and villages welcomed, received and supported them than on what atrocities the fighters had witnessed or experienced.  American soldiers returning from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan report a similar phenomenon. It may be the support of the community that defines our mental health.”  The support of the community can determine the extent of the trauma experienced by the victim.  I have been contemplating these words as I watch the videos of the hostages who have been freed. I wonder, how can they go on after experiencing such trauma?  Community is part of the answer. 

Mandell notes that it therefore makes sense that the Gemara in Nedarim 39b 

אָמַר רַבִּי אַחָא בַּר חֲנִינָא: כׇּל הַמְבַקֵּר חוֹלֶה, נוֹטֵל אֶחָד מִשִּׁשִּׁים בְּצַעֲרוֹ

Rav Aḥa bar Ḥanina said: Anyone who visits an ill person takes from him one-sixtieth of his suffering.

Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, z”l, writes 

We are not made to live alone. Not only is the unprecedented atomisation (breaking up into individuals)  of modern life bad for our health and happiness. It is also dangerous because it makes us vulnerable to the dangers that lie ahead: turbulence, change, unpredictability. When the environment changes, people who are members of strong and diverse groups are at a huge advantage. They contain people with different strengths, variegated knowledge, diverse skills, and by working together they can negotiate their situation with effectiveness and speed. They have collective resilience. A crowd of disconnected individuals does not have that strength. 

Rabbi Marc Eichenbaum, in his article in Tradition “Rabbi Sacks, Community and Times of Crisis” quotes a recent report by the U.S. Surgeon General called, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” reporting the negative impact of this epidemic and the healing effects of social connection and community. 

Eichenbaum continues: Connecting to a community has even greater significance during times of turmoil. When a person is suffering, the very act of joining a group of empathetic listeners can alleviate individual pain. This is the foundation of group psychotherapy. The sufferer no longer feels isolated, but rather comforted when in the presence of individuals on a similar journey. Bill Wilson, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, discovered the panacea of what he called “mutuality” when he encountered an irresistible urge to have a drink just months after becoming sober. Before he succumbed to a setback, he thought to himself, “No, I don’t need a drink—I need another alcoholic!”[

Connecting to others, as the research indicates, provides meaning in life. Today, we live in a world where community is not the focus- it is the “I” and not the “we”  that is the focus. As Rabbi Sacks noted, “ meaning involves the acknowledgment of a world beyond the self. An individualistic, I-centered culture will be one in which people struggle to find meaning.”

Dr. Michelle Borba, author of the book Unselfie calls this “I centered culture” the “selfie generation”  She writes about “Why empathetic kids succeed in our all-about-me world.”  Borba notes how today’s culture values “me” more than “we.” The self-absorption of our children has sky-rockted while their ability to care about others has plummeted.  “‘Selfies are all the rage as people take endless photos of themselves and post them on social media for others to view to ‘ooh’ and ‘ahhh’ their every ‘Me’ and ‘My’ accolade…But that ‘looking at me looking at you’ digital craze is spilling into the real world, altering our kids’ offline attitudes and creating the most entitled, competitive, self-centered and individualistic breed on record.”  This is what she calls “Selfie syndrome” and it is about self-promotion  and self- interest at the exclusion of the feelings, needs and concerns of others.  

Clearly this selfie syndrome is in direct contradiction to the importance of community that we discussed above. How can we ensure that people going through difficult times have a community upon which to rely if it is the “selfie generation”?  (She also notes the myriad of psychological studies pointing out the benefits of children caring about the community and others ranging from improving their self-esteem, happiness, gratitude, popularity, health and resilience).

Borba’s book is excellent and I highly recommend it. But, I will focus on one section of the book “Empathetic Children Practice Kindness”- they think about others and not only of themselves!!  

1. Model kindness and make sure to tell your child how good it made you feel! 

2. Expect kindness in others- make it clear to your child that you do not tolerate “unkindness” or being hurtful to others.

3. Value kindness- don’t only focus on performance or achievement.  Focus more on kindness and caring about community.

4. Reflect on kindness- ask them “What kind things did you witness today?” “What is something nice that someone did for you or you did for another?”

5. T.I.P.- explain kindness using the TIP method. Tell who was the kindness recipient, Identify the kind of act done, Point out how the gesture affected the recipient. 

As we work here at Yavneh in developing a community of caring students, whether when Israel is in crisis or during other times, we often wonder, “How can I expose my child to difficulties others are facing?” We try to shield them from pain, and especially the pain of others. I know we are all torn about how much to expose our teens to what is going on in Israel. 

But, as Slovie Jungreis Wolff reminds us in her article “Three Ways to Raise Kind Kids” there are two important steps. 1. Get out of your bubble- because we live in a selfie world they need to see others.  2. Feel for others: Don’t be afraid to have your child open his heart and feel the pain of another.  When I was a little girl, many people would pour out their problems to my parents, the Rabbi and Rebbetzin of the congregation. I recall once having my parents tell us to say psalms for a child who was ill. A visitor watched the scene and said that she was afraid we would get upset. I’ll never forget my mother’s response and the fire in her voice as she spoke: “Some children cry for licorice. Others for chocolate or toys. My children? My children will cry for the pain of another.” Don’t be afraid to have your child open his heart and feel the pain of another. 

While we hope and pray that peace comes soon to Israel, I do believe that as our students are involved in tzedakah sales, letter writing, Shabbat gifts to families who have soldiers and rallies, they are realizing what it means to be part of a community that supports others. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on manners and proper behavior.

Seventh Grade:  As part of their pre-Frost Valley unit on Teamwork and Communication skills they focused on what makes for good communication. 

Eighth Grade:  In light of current events, students focused on how to react to the anti-Semitism in the world today. 

Do Not Stand Idly By

  This past week I was privileged to go to the March for Israel in Washington, D.C. with our 8th graders.  It was a day that the students and the adults will never forget.  In conversation with some adults this evening about the rally someone mentioned to me that their children who are in their 20s never experienced this advocacy role as middle schoolers. And, I responded (her children didn’t go to Yavneh), that actually all of our students at Yavneh for the past at least 17 or so years have had a unit in Advisory we call “Do Not Stand Idly By” in which they practice Israel advocacy.

The goal of the unit is to focus on the concept of when there is injustice- whether in the world, in your community, or in your personal lives- you have the obligation to stand up and do something about it. You must be an upstander, and never a bystander.  We begin with an Israel advocacy project and end with a focus on how to be an upstander in your own school or peer group when you see something wrong happening-particularly the mistreatment of others or others engaged in behaviors that are inappropriate or even against the rules. In this unit we tackle the social/emotional themes of  1.we are responsible for one another, 2.when injustice is happening I cannot stand idly by- I need to do something, 3. and when there is injustice- how do I express how I feel in a cogent, and calm manner and make a difference. The involvement in a political action project hopefully will translate to the way they try to stop injustice in their lives.

 

Over the years we have tackled topics like a united Jerusalem, Gilat Shalit, the BDS movement- just to name a few. (Sadly, I recently came across our 2015 unit where we tackled the topic of Hamas and Gaza. And, I quote from the goal stated in the lesson plans, “to brief them about the situation in Gaza, the threat of Hamas and how the Operation Protective Edge was necessary and was still ongoing- in  light of  a rocket attack on Dec. 19.  Allow the children to understand why Israel must have the right to protect herself from Hamas, and they are not the aggressors”- Truly sad to say we are still dealing with this).  

We have met with congressmen, senators and communal leaders and our students were prepared to ask questions and stand up for what they believe in.   We were the first middle school to build a relationship with Stand With Us who comes to speak to our 7th graders every year. When we do the BDS movement we culminate the unit in a Buy Israeli Goods (B.I.G.) campaign in the community and in school.  

And, so why is this an important unit each year- even when Israel is not at war? And, how does it fit into a “social emotional” Advisory curriculum? And, why should we as parents encourage our children to become Israel advocates? 

Being an Israel advocate is good for one’s social- emotional growth.  We begin the year in Advisory focusing on the fact that “kids can make a difference.”  The theme of the year is “Prepare yourself to change the world.” There is nothing that can boost a child’s self-esteem more than feeling as if he/she is making an impact. 

By expanding our children’s “circle of concern” we show them how their decisions impact their world. In fact, Harvard Graduate School of Education’s “Making Care Common Project” notes that we should “cultivate children’s concern for others because it’s fundamentally the right thing to do, and also because when children can empathize with and take responsibility for others, they’re likely to be happier and more successful.”

In fact, an October 2023 research study indicated that often those who report anxiety and depression also report a “lack of meaning and purpose”  as one element driving their difficulties.  They also point to “a perception that the world is unraveling” and “social and political issues”  like gun violence, climate change and action of politicians as impacting their mental health.  One quote from a participant in the Harvard study says it all, “I would really like to have some sort of meaning from working towards a goal or cause that betters humanity as a whole. I see the world falling apart and no direction for humanity, and I’d like to something about it.”  

One primary prevention strategy noted in the study is “cultivating meaning and purpose in young people, including by engaging them in caring for others and service.” 

But here at Yavneh this effort to cultivate meaning in our students by encouraging them to “not stand idly by”  includes not only a rally in Washington or a meeting with a politician or even writing letters to Congressman, it also includes tefilla and various projects to support Israel that make a difference. In fact, one of the women involved in my conversation today said she still recalls the feeling of hearing that Gilad Shalit was let free- as a middle schooler- and thinking she made a difference with her tefillot. 

We know the midrash in Sotah 11a which describes that Pharoah had three advisors- Yitro, Iyov and Bilaam.  We know Yitro who became the father in law of Moshe, said to save the Jews. Bilaam said to kill them and in the future would be killed by the Jewish people,  and  Iyov said nothing. Iyov experienced a life of pain and suffering. Clearly one should never  “stand idly by” and remain silent. As we discuss in Advisory, as Martin Luther King Jr. said, “We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”

And, so, as we marched on Washington this week, I considered how important this march was for Israel and how impactful it would be on the students self-esteem and it even would strengthen their mood and positive outlook on life.  As I mentioned to many this week, I hope we will never have to march again, and I hope that we can change our yearly  political action unit in our 7th grade Advisory curriculum so it no longer involves a crisis in Israel. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders had their "middle school adjustment" lesson- an opportunity to view real-life scenarios acted out by Yavneh teachers about issues they might be facing as they transition to middle school and discuss practical solutions.

Seventh Grade: Students filmed an impactful presentation including speaking and song for the Hackensack homeless shelter with encouraging words about hope and never fulfilling one's dreams.

Eighth Grade: After discussing how they share with high schools all the activities they are involved in, students discussed "why do good?" (and the answer is not "for their high school application!")

Take a Hike- Lessons for Life!

  This past Thursday we had a wonderful bonding day with our sixth grade featuring a hike.  While there have only been a few months of school, and I am still getting to know the sixth graders, I find that I learn so much more about them from these informal experiences. I get to schmooze with them about their lives, what they enjoy doing, learn which songs they like to sing on the bus and see their “out of school” personalities.  I also have the opportunity to see which children might be struggling socially, which children are inclusive and make sure no one feels left out, which students might be quiet in school whose personalities shine outside of the classroom, and of course the “friend groups” in action.  

Some of the students find the hike easy to do and are used to physical activity. Other children find the hike a challenge at certain points, and it is wonderful to see how their peers stick by them to help them through it with encouragement and teamwork.  Often there is a child who wants to give up at the beginning and asks to turn around.  I was assigned to be the adult at the end of the hike- let’s assume that’s because I am the one who as part of my role takes care of the kids who need the extra encouragement- not because I am really slow! (Full disclosure: I am in no way a “hiker” by nature…I am more of a “museum”-type).  I am the מאסף -like the tribe of Dan whose job was to gather anyone who falls behind. 

My compassionate side wants to tell the child, “It’s okay. Let’s just turn around and you’ll wait for everyone to come back.” But, I know the other side of me, which wants to help foster resilience and the ability to face challenge needs to tell the child, “Let’s figure out a way that this can work for you!” 

This past week in our Faculty Meeting each of our teachers signed up for PLC- professional learning communities. In the PLC that the guidance department is running we are discussing a mental health toolbox for teachers to use in the classroom. In my session last week I discussed the important conflict that we often have as teachers and parents of when do I know if what I am doing is supporting the child- providing him/her with necessary support to grow due to his/her mental health needs,  versus when it is coddling- and in actuality preventing the child from growing and becoming emotionally stronger. If a child says to me, “I am too afraid to give a presentation in class”- how do I know if I should just say, “Okay, just have a seat,” knowing that this is too much for the child right now?  Or should I say,  “Let’s figure out a way that this can work for you!” 

One way we can determine which way to respond is by consulting with the parents and the private therapist of the child. Sometimes it is therapeutically more beneficial for a child to try to give that presentation, while at other times, giving that presentation can be extremely harmful to the child. Base on Lev Vygotsky’s learning and development theory, (as I apply it to skills outside of the classroom as well), our primary goal is to assess the child’s “zone of proximal development”- the difference between what the child can do without help and what he/she can do with guidance and encouragement from a helper. “Proximal” means an ability that the child is close to being able to do, but cannot do it yet. It must be something that is not too easy, but still challenging so that if he/she gets a bit of help he/she can master the skill and even improve. When a child is in the “zone” all he/she needs is a little boost to make it further. 

One strategy used to help a child when in that zone is through scaffolding. Once you assess a child’s zone of proximal development, then you set up support for the child, which is tapered off as it becomes unnecessary, just like a scaffold is taken off a building during construction. A good example is teaching our children to ride a bike. First they have training wheels, and then we hold their bike ourselves until they can do it on their own. 

And, so, instead of telling the child he can turn around, I attempted to assess his “zone of proximal development” taking into consideration any anxious feelings or worries, and began a plan of emotional scaffolding (and maybe even some physical, with a friend reaching out with his hand). 

In thinking about it, hiking is truly a metaphor for much of what we face in life. (Yes, while most people hike to enjoy, I am thinking about fodder for my next column!)   Most often it is a new trail we have never walked and we may not know what lies ahead around the bend.  For some the same path might seem easy. For others of us it takes every effort we have. We may set a goal, but there are often unpredictable obstacles in our way.  But, we find the strength to stick to it, and we may have to try to get through the path a different way than we had planned. If we fall, we get up and keep on going. And, we may end the hike tired, but most often elated that we made it. 

Author Rolayne Sellers highlighted in her article how there are life lessons we can learn from hiking:

1. Pick your path-Using a map choose the path in advance. 

2. Make sure the hike (i.e. goals) you choose is something you can attain, but will cause you to stretch.

3. Don’t hike alone.

4. Take water and snacks- make sure to focus on your personal needs. 

5. If you get a rock in your shoe, stop and get it out. Take care of little issues in your life before they become big. 

6. Don’t get so busy watching the path that you don’t remember to look up and see the scenery and view.  Sometimes we get so busy with our lives we forget to stop and enjoy and remember where we are headed. 

7. Even when the climb is tough- keep on going!

Interestingly enough, a number of monumental events for the Jewish people happened on mountains like Har Sinai and Har HaMoriah. Why did they not happen on flat ground? It was as if the message was being relayed that to achieve greatness, one must hike. As Rabbi Berel Wein notes, “So the Torah bids us all to be mountain climbers. … and realize that according to the effort will be the reward. There is no easy way or smooth path to a concentrated Jewish life. The example of Moshe climbing Mount Sinai remains the metaphor for all of us and for all Jewish life till eternity.” But, Har Sinai, while a mountain, was a small one and “climbable”- to reassure us that with some effort we can all hike to the top. 

As I watch our sixth graders begin their journey, or hike through middle school, I can already envision them in 8th grade, having reached their destinations with persistence and pride. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed organizing their at-home work space and had a chance to share how middle school is doing.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed how the issues of the homeless they have learned about affect the Jewish community and the role they can play.

Eighth Grade:  Students contemplated what they are “good at” and how filling out applications and interviewing is an impetus to consider their strengths. 

Raising Givers and Not Takers

         As I busily ran around the cafeteria last Monday night with the parents who came to help with the Chesed Team event,  (Thank you!), I took a moment to sit back and watch. I watched the smiles, the eagerness and the enthusiasm. I particularly noticed the smiles on the children who I know are struggling- with a social difficulty, a family situation, or overwhelmed by school, with huge smiles on their faces!  And, I remembered why I started the Chesed Team. People often ask me- “What does chesed have to do with being the guidance counselor in a school?! That’s your job?! Don’t you have enough to do?! ”  And, I answer, the chesed team has three primary benefits, which perfectly fit in with my role. It provides an opportunity for: 

1. Me to get to know the students better in a relaxed atmosphere.

2. Students who could use a place to shine to feel as if they are making a difference or even playing a leadership role. There are no tryouts for this team!

3. Doing good for others which makes you feel good!  (Remember those smiles?) And, helping kids feel good is my primary job.  (And, we know from the research that giving makes us feel happier than receiving a gift ourselves.  Giving is good for our health. It promotes social connection). 

Even in the workforce, research indicates that giving in the business world creates positive energy and increases productivity and creativity. Organizational psychologist and best selling author Adam Grant wrote a book called Give and Take where he discusses different reciprocity styles- the way we approach interactions with others. He says there are three reciprocity styles- givers, takers and matchers.  

Takers are focused on self and always put their interests ahead of the needs of others.  Matchers like to maintain an equal balance of giving and taking.  Givers are “others focused” and provide for others with “no strings attached.” Research shows that givers are both the worst performers at work (as they sacrifice their own success for the success of others) AND the BEST performers at work. (Takers and matchers are in the middle).  Why are givers the best performers?  Because “everyone loves, trusts and supports givers since they add value to others and enrich the success of the people around them.” Their giving leads to quality relationships which leads to not only success at work, but they are also happier people.

 (What is the difference between the givers on the top and the givers on the bottom? The givers who are most successful are constantly giving but in a targeted manner which is not taking over their lives. Some examples: successful givers do targeted favors that are limited in time, ask for help- which boosts the self-esteem of the other, allocate only a part of their day to giving, and do favors for others). 

So, now we know. To be happy and successful in life we want to raise children who are givers!!  How?   Well, one way is by having them join the Chesed Team :)! 

As parents we can also help our children become givers by giving them chores to do-without any pay!  Setting the table, helping a younger sibling, loading the dishwasher- ensures that they are givers. And, so, even though I may do a better job at one of these chores,  (they don’t really fold those sheets the right way!), I need to take a step back and provide each child with work to do. Children thereby learn, inculcated in their genes from early on, that they need to give. 

But, what if that isn’t the way your house has been running until now? Sarah Radcliffe, in her article “For the Love of Giving” writes “Fortunately, there’s an easy way for parents to begin to change the rules of the game. All Mom has to do is call for some help when she’s in the kitchen dishing out the platters (or setting the table, or bringing in the groceries etc.). If no one shows up, then Mom should take her seat at the table and chat along with everyone else.  If someone wonders out loud about the meal (“Are we eating soon?”) Mom should say, “Oh I was just waiting for you guys to help me prepare the platters. Are you ready now?” She adds that the children will not be resentful. Human beings by nature like to help. And,  of course, always follow with generous praise.

Another way we as parents can ensure this “giver” quality is by asking our children to share. There needs to be a balance between a child getting what he/she deserves and allowing another to have what he/she wants out of generosity. That is where teaching our children to share, even when they got the item first, is important.  This applies to teenagers as well. 

In Hebrew we call  this the ability to be מְוַתֵר- the ability to give up or give in on something despite your feeling that it should be yours or you are in the right. Yes, you might believe it is your turn in the game, but every once in a while, just allow the other to go instead.  It does not mean being someone that everyone walks all over,  but it does mean the ability to stop and say, “I can let someone else have the honor or the privilege or the item instead of me.”  

This past week we commemorated the yahrzeit of Rachel Imeinu the “מְוַתֶרֶת” par excellence. Her father Lavan switched Leah and herself at her marriage to Yaakov and she gave up her place for Leah so she would not be embarrassed. It is for that reason, says the Midrash Rabba Eicha Petichta 24, that when the Jews were exiled to Bavel, all the forefathers along with Moshe came each individually before G-d to plead on Bnai Yisrael’s behalf. Hashem did not listen to any of them. Only to Rachel, who said,

"Master of the universe, You know that Jacob loved me most and worked for my father for seven years in order to wed me. And when the time of my marriage came, my father switched my sister for me and I didn't begrudge my sister and I didn't let her be shamed. If I, who am only human, was not willing to humiliate my sister to get what I wanted, how could You – the eternal, living, compassionate God – envy idol-worship which has no true existence and cause my children to be exiled?!"

Immediately, God's mercy was awakened and He said: "For you, Rachel, I will bring Israel back to its place, as it is said: '...Do not cry and let your eyes not tear, for there is reward for your actions ... and there is hope for your end, and your children will return to their borders.' " 

This ותרנות- the ability to give up on something, leads to generosity.  We want our children to grow into adults who notice and respond to the needs of others (while at the same time recognizing their own needs). Can my child assert herself, while at the same time noticing the needs of others?  Can he delay gratification so someone else can get what he needs? 

 In the article “Teaching Kids To Share”  psychologist Nancy Eisenberg is quoted as asserting that the way to help children become more generous is by providing them with opportunities  “having the experience of giving to others and learning how good it feels.” But she warns that children should not be forced to give up an item to another child which just builds resentment. The key is teaching children that when they want an item that another child has, they need to ask for a turn and wait patiently.  But, the aura in this home we do offer a turn to others as well. 

Amy Joyce, in her article “Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist shares ways to raise them to be kind” quotes the research of Dr. Richard Weissbord. First, 80% of the youth in the study said that their parents were more concerned with their achievement or their happiness than whether they care for others. They agreed with the statement “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.” 

Weissbord asserts, 

1. Instead of telling our children that the most important thing for us is that they be happy, we need to tell them that the most important thing for us is the way they treat others with kindness.  When at parent-teacher conferences, ask the teachers how they are doing in terms of how they treat others! 

2. Give them opportunities to practice giving to others. Just like you practice an instrument daily you need to practice doing something for others.  (And, he adds- don’t always reward your child for that behavior. It should be expected!) 

3. Expand your child’s circle of concern- it isn’t only about their friends and their family. How about the bus driver? A boy in their class who is not their friend? Or even situations outside our neighborhood or country.

4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor- we model doing kindness. We also allow them to hear our considerations as we “think out loud” about how we want to act towards another.

This afternoon I ran out to get a book from the library written by Adam Grant (same as above) and his wife Allison Sweet Grant. It is a children’s picture book. The Grants described how they wrote this book in reaction to Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree which they excitedly bought for their first child, and then realized it felt wrong to them.  (In their words)

If you ask parents to think of a children’s book about generosity, “The Giving Tree” is usually the first — and often the only — one they can name. But here’s the thing: It’s not really about generosity. It’s a book about self-sacrifice — and those are two very different things.

To some readers, the tree’s act of sacrifice seems noble, like the unconditional love a parent gives to a child. But if you assume the story is about generosity, it’s easy to learn the wrong lessons: that it’s O.K. for a child to take selfishly, and that adults should give until it hurts — and keep giving until they literally have nothing left to offer. That’s a recipe for trouble. 

Self-sacrifice is not sustainable, and it isn’t healthy either. Research shows that people who care about others and neglect themselves are more likely to become anxious and depressed. They’re also less effective: When teachers give up their nights and weekends to help individual students, their classes do significantly worse on standardized tests. Similarly, selfless students see their grades falter — they’re so busy solving their friends’ problems that they skip their own classes and fail to study for their own exams. Self-sacrifice is a risk factor for burnout and declining productivity. For example, selflessness predicts emotional exhaustion among nurses and low productivity among engineers.

They go on to note that in a healthy family, giving goes both ways and the boy in The Giving Tree is purely selfish. In this era of immediate gratification and “filtered selfies” this boy is not a role model for our children. 

So they wrote the book The Gift Inside the Box. The inside cover says “This gift is in search of a giver. Could that someone be you?”  A mysterious gift box finds himself in search of someone to open him, but nobody seems to be the right one. After disheartening interactions with grabby kids, selfish siblings, and other single-minded would-be recipients, the box wonders if he’ll ever find someone deserving of him. Could that someone be the very person who’s reading the book itself?  While every child who sees this mysterious box wonders if it is the item they wished for proclaiming “Mine!” One girl says to the mysterious box, “Oh! I bet there’s something wonderful in here.  I’ve been looking for the perfect gift for someone special. I would love to give you to…” And, the book ends by asking the reader, “Who would you give this box to?” 

I once read that the best way to raise a child on a certain path is to be a gardener, not a carpenter.  Carpenters- carve the wood into a particular shape. A gardener, helps things grow on their own by creating a fertile environment for growth. Here at Yavneh and at home, we will work at fostering a soil that is the perfect environment for givers and giving to grow. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began looking at their backpacks and utilized the PACK strategies. 

Seventh Grade:  Student talked about empathetic communication and not judging a book by its cover. 

Eighth Grade: Students began learning interview skills.