Back To School Jitters- For Parents!

 

A survey reported in the New York Post said that 60% of parents are so anxious about coming back to school that they lose sleep. Of the 2000  parents surveyed 57% said it is the most stressful time of year for them.  The top worries of most parents are: Whether their child will have good teachers (50%), whether their child eats healthy foods at school (44%), the cost of buying school supplies (42%), their child’s safety at school (40%), and whether their child will make friends at school (40%).

I always used to share with others that vacation to me is not a trip to an exotic far-away land. Vacation for me is simply when my children are off from school. No oversight of homework. No lunches. No carpools. No early morning wake-ups. That is vacation. No wonder we parents often have that feeling in the pit of our stomachs the first days of school.  

Of course, as parents, we are also worried about our children’s back to school anxiety. As Dr. Rachel Busman writes in her article “Back to School Anxiety” the first step to calm down your child is: “taking your own temperature to make sure you’re not passing on stress to your kids. And to enable you to manage your own stress, she says, it’s important not to take on more commitments than the family can handle comfortably. “I think there’s a contagion effect that we have to be careful of,” she adds.  As much as we can, focus on the positives and not share our anxieties with our children. 

Attending back to school night is a great way to calm our own  back to school jitters. 

1. Get a sense of the classroom environment.  How is the classroom set up? How far is one classroom from the next? What does my child’s locker look like? You can then better envision what the physical environment your child is in each day and some of the challenges he/she may face when it comes to managing his/her materials and schedule. Once you have this information you can have more meaningful conversations about their daily lives with them. 

2. What is the teacher’s personality like? What will the vibe of the classroom be? Again, when your child talks about a teacher you can truly understand what he/she is saying. 

3. It builds a relationship and rapport with the teacher. Once you meet someone in person (and not wait until parent-teacher conferences to do so) when you receive an email, or hear about the teacher from your child, it is easier to connect. Make an effort to introduce yourself before or after the teacher’s presentation. The teacher is then not simply a name. And, by going you relay to the teacher that you value your child’s educational experience. We are all so busy, but when we take the time to come to back to school night we show that we are “all in” and partnering with the teacher. 

4. It is a great time for you to uncover each teacher’s methods- what is their homework policy? Are their quizzes? Check-ins? What materials should my child be bringing to class?  The less “unknown” there is the more you can help your child and the less anxious you are! 

5. It is an opportunity to meet other parents. Network. We are all in this together. 

By reaping all these benefits of back to school night along with knowing your child, you will have a sense of how much support your child will need at the start. Mostly, it will reassure you that this year will be a wonderful experience!  As Scholastic writes in their Back To School Night article for parents:

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then visiting in person must equal about a million. That's why most schools host back-to-school nights shortly after the beginning of the year. Take advantage of this opportunity to see the world your child inhabits every day and meet the people in charge. It's one of the best ways to begin to build that all-important home-school connection.

And, of course, by going to back to school night we are relaying the message to our children that we care about their education.  Additionally, when you come home that night or the next day, discuss back to school night with your child. Tell them what you learned about each teacher. Show them how excited you are about their opportunities this year, which can only impact positively on their attitude.  It is a perfect way to begin an open dialogue with your child about school. When you share, ask them what they think.  

And, while the beginning of the year often starts with anxiety, we need to remind ourselves that it is normal and it need not be eliminated totally. In Dr. David Rosmarin’s book Thriving With Anxiety  he explains in his introduction why we are so uncomfortable with anxiety today:

…Our culture is obsessed with control.  Today we have predictions for everything, from financial markets, political elections, and flu epidemics to professional sports outcomes and the weather…our culture cannot tolerate uncertainty.” The beginning of the school year is full of uncertainty- for our children and ourselves. But, let’s recall that some anxiety is good for us as it  does motivate us to put our all into the start of the year. 

We experience similar beginning of the year anxiety each year as we approach the Yamim Noraim (beginning in Elul). As Chani Gottleib aptly writes in her article “My Fear of Fear” 

It’s that time of year again. Elul. Like a boisterous school boy willing August to stretch beyond its 31 days, I suspect I’m not alone in wishing to hold  on to the last moments of summer and disregard Elul’s urgent message to shape up. Elul spells fear of Divine Judgment and retribution, and that fear makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I have been here before, wishing to skip the tense month of Elul with its call for self-scrutiny, demand to dig up wrongdoings I’d rather forget, and burden of guilt. Wouldn’t a gentle August to September transition be a happier way to celebrate the Jewish New Year? 

It’s that beginning of the year jitters that we experience in our religious lives too! She writes that her strategy has always been to only focus on the joyful parts of the holiday season. And, yet, that is not at all accurate.  The season is meant to have some “fear” as we know we say in tefillah of the Yamim Noraim-ובכן תן פחדך ה’ אלקינו על כל מעשיך ואימתך על כל מה שבראת. 

And so grant it that Your fear/awe, Hashem, will be upon all Your works. And Your dread upon all You have created.”

She shares a section from On Repentance by Rav Y.D. Solovetichik, that 

“an eminent psychiatrist, acutely aware of the unhealthy mental toll fear has on mankind, once suggested to Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik zt”l that if he had the authority, he would omit this tefillah. Why should we pray for fear when fear, or anxiety, is one of the major causes of mental illness?

“Everyone seems to be beset with fears of all kinds,” the Rav replied. “Some are afraid that they won’t be able to succeed in their careers, others fear losing their wealth or status or that they will fail to attain sufficient prominence. Many people are afraid of sickness and bodily weakness. In generations past, fear of leprosy engulfed the world; today people live in fear of a cancerous growth. Many people don’t go to see a doctor even when they have pains, lest he diagnose them with the dreaded disease.

“I’m not a psychiatrist, but I do know that one major source of fear can wipe out all of these lesser fears. What fear can overtake man, thereby uprooting all other fears, such as that of failure, of poverty, of old age, of rejection or of disease? Only the fear of the L-rd! That’s the reason behind the expression in the High Holy Day prayer, “Cast [Your] fear, O L-rd our G-d, upon all [Your] handiwork and [Your] awe upon all that [You have] created.” We pray that this great fear will free us from those other ones which lurk everywhere, upsetting our lives” (On Repentance, p. 223).

What is this “fear” that the Rav is referring to? I maintain it is really emunah- faith. It is the belief that no matter what happens to me, G-d is with me and supporting me. That is why one of the famous acronyms for the month of Elul, when judgment begins is from  שיר השירים ו:ג- 

אֲנִ֤י לְדוֹדִי֙ וְדוֹדִ֣י לִ֔י

“I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me.”

This pasuk describes the love relationship between Hashem and Bnai Yisrael.  But, I thought this month is full of fear? What does love have to do with anything? And, why is this love so essential for Teshuva? Sorah Esther Crispe in her article “The Jewish Heart- The Secret of Elul”  notes that true love is that the person you love and who loves you never turns his back on you. No matter what we do, or how we turn our back on Him, because Hashem loves us- He is always there for us- and we can always turn around and repent. He is always waiting for us. That is what true “יראת שמים” (fear of Heaven) and Emunah is all about. In essence, it is comforting and brings us closer to change. 

Gottleib adds:

A fear-free life isn’t an attainable goal. Nor is it even desirable. We’re hard-wired to experience fear. We need fear. It keeps us from harm. It protects us from walking off a cliff. From getting burned. From entering a place of mortal danger. It’s a survival instinct, a gift from Hashem. Yet like any one other emotion, it has to be balanced to allow us to function well.

And, just like we attend back to school night to manage our anxiety at the start of the year, there are Elul and Tishrei endeavors we can engage in to help us with that anxiety and help us grow. 

As so, as we start the school year and the Jewish year, a small dose of anxiety is good for us to start the year off right. But, there are things we can do to contain that anxiety to help us grow. See you tomorrow night at back to school night! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students continued their “getting to know you” and getting to know Advisory activities.

Seventh Graders:  Students connected their “changing the world” this year in Advisory to first focusing on self-improvement

Eighth Grade:  Students finished discussing what they will gain from Advisory this year. 

A Year of Nachat!

Remember when your child was in the younger grades and you sent him/her to school with a nachat note? She shared the parasha beautifully at the Shabbat table.  He cleaned his room without being asked. Gone are the days of those nachat notes, but I maintain we need to still compose “nachat notes” for our middle school students- even if only metaphorical ones.  

The obvious reason is that it makes them feel good when we notice the good they are doing. In Hebrew the word for “gratitude” is הכרת הטוב- which literally means recognizing or noticing the good. When we notice or recognize when our children do something well, it gives us as parents a sense of accomplishment too. 

A family therapist Rabbi Shmuel Ackerman writes about an idea called a Nachat Notebook. There a parent recognizes and writes down when a child does something good. He lists three benefits to keeping such a notebook

1. When our children inevitably do something that disappoints us (after all, they are human), we can glance at that notebook and remember the wonderful things they do. As parents, we sometimes get down on ourselves and think any less than positive behavior of our children reflects poorly on our parenting. This notebook reminds us that our parenting is pretty good much of the time!

2. Writing things down makes a “big deal” of what your child has just done. By making a big deal about his successes, he will come to feel even more proud. Reviewing the nachat notebook with her every so often- he says even weekly-  is a wonderful way to reinforce how proud you are of your child. 

3. Parents will “gradually and steadily become better at noticing and acknowledging success.” You thereby model the quality of  being מכיר  the   טוב (recognizing the good) in your lives. And, “Over time, you will introduce a new pattern of conversation in your home, a pattern of yishuv hadaas (peace of mind) , that comes from realizing that even though you wish things were better, they are already, more often than you have realized, pretty good.”

Rabbi Ackerman maintains that one should put at least four nachat notes in your nachat notebook weekly. Each “nachat note” should have two components: 

1. What your child did that you considered to be wonderful. Write down specifically what you saw.

2. What you said to her that acknowledged her success. Write down specifically what you said when you saw the nachat. 

Rabbi Ackerman adds that nachat notes often help children who underperform in certain areas, (never set the table the right way, sloppily do their homework) as they see through this notebook that  “that good performance is worthy of acknowledgement and excellent performance is even better. “ 

Tzvi Freeman writes in his article “10 Tips The Parenting Books Won’t Tell You”- about “Nachas (not the chips)”-”If you want nachas from your kids, the best way to get it is by getting nachas from your kids…That means letting slide the stupid little things that kids do, and getting a kick out of the cute, smart and beautiful little things they do. Let them see your smile.For every “No!” there’s got to be at least five hugs, kisses, pats on the back, cheek-pinching, and just plain loving smiles. Kids thrive on your enjoyment of them. As the anthropologist Ashley Montagu pointed out, no culture provides attention and affection to their kids as do Jews. In English, we don’t even have a word for nachas!”

One can never underestimate the impact of noticing the good our children are doing. Dr. Gary Smalley said “Affirming words from moms and dads are like light switches. Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child’s life and it’s like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities.” 

I recently read an article by Rachel Macy Stafford “How To Notice The Good In Children”  as she describes as a parent she finally realized that she was criticizing her children too often -to help them improve. One day her daughter was playing violin and she was critiquing her and her daughter stopped playing and said “I just want to be good.” From that moment on she worked on noticing the good.  They worked out a prize system for doing good, but then she realized that the prize really didn’t matter.  “...the children were ‘doing good’ and I was ‘noticing good.’  Once again, the powerful awareness lightened the entire atmosphere of our home and made us all more helpful and kind.  When it comes to positive affirmation–the prize doesn’t matter. Because being affirmed is the prize. Because having someone notice and celebrate your good work is the prize. Because seeing the smile on your parent’s face because of something you did is the prize.  But wait. Here’s the real prize … When you fill up a child, her eyes become brighter. Her head is held higher. Her dreams come closer. And suddenly, life is full of possibilities for the most precious prize of all: your child.”

The power of noticing and telling a child the good they are doing cannot be underestimated.  Rabbi Yissochor Frand notes that in Parashat Noach Hashem told Noach in Bereishit 7:1 

וַיֹּ֤אמֶר ה֙ לְנֹ֔חַ בֹּֽא־אַתָּ֥ה וכל־בֵּיתְךָ֖ אֶל־הַתֵּבָ֑ה כִּֽי־אֹתְךָ֥ רָאִ֛יתִי צַדִּ֥יק לְפָנַ֖י בַּדּ֥וֹר הַזֶּֽה׃

Then G-d said to Noah, “Go into the ark, with all your household, for you alone have I found righteous before Me in this generation.

Hashem directly compliments Noach- gives him a “nachat note” in this pasuk. It could in fact be that this  ‘“compliment” of the Almighty to Noach was the key to Noach’s salvation. …Because”, Noach says, “You told me that ‘You I have found to be righteous before me in this generation’, I was motivated to be righteous.” “What made me change,” says Noach, “is that You, Almighty, complimented me. That is why I changed — because of the ‘partial praise’ I heard You say before me.”  Noach needed Hashem to notice his accomplishments. 

The bottom-line- you never outgrow the need for a nachat note from your parents!  

The concept of the Nachat Notebook brought to mind another article I once read by Rebecca Steier called “The Nachas Call.” She writes about the importance of reaching out to call someone (or email) who has done something for you. She writes ”My inspiration for making nachas calls came from my mother. I can vividly recall her sitting at her desk and writing thank-you cards for any act of kindness someone had done toward her. The delightful phone calls and exuberant hugs she got from the lucky recipients of her beautifully written notes made a lasting impression on me.”  And, a nachat note written to a person’s supervisor, spouse, or even children, even as an adult, makes an impact. 

Coincidentally, Rabbi Penn and I had a conversation on Thursday about my father, Rabbi Steven Dworken, a”h whom Rabbi Penn knew well.  He had shared with one of the Yavneh faculty members the story about how my father would commute to Yeshiva University every day, and daily he would make an effort to go through the same tollbooth, and in a friendly manner chat with the toll collector. He decided to write a letter to her supervisor about the wonderful job she did each day.  One day, he drove through the tolls (she was not there), and he saw her running towards him waving a paper. She said, “This is the letter you wrote about me complimenting me to my supervisor and because of this letter I was promoted, and no longer need to work at a tollbooth as I am now working in headquarters. “  A person is never too old to receive a nachat note,  and never too old to have others who are important to him know how amazing he is. 

As we start the new year, realize how meaningful it is to teachers to receive nachat notes from you, the parents. If you feel that your child had a wonderful experience in a class or a teacher really helped and supported your child, take a moment to write a nachat note to the teacher. We as educators save those notes forever, as they are so meaningful to us and help us realize we are making a difference. 

So, this year, as parents we need to write lots of nachat notes- about our children and to those who make a difference in our lives and in the lives of our children. 

But, there is one more focus on nachat we need to have as the year begins. As we enter the month of Elul and prepare for the Yamim Noraim, and we as Jews are focusing on spiritual growth,  I think about something I once read that it says in the Tanya, “What could we possibly give to G-d?” We can give Him nachat.  During this time period we should be thinking about how to give nachat to Hashem as well. 

Wishing you all a school year full of nachat! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  During this abridged week half of our students learned about what Advisory in middle school is about and got to learn more about their Advisors and the students in their Advisory class. 

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of their 7th Grade Advisory year- Prepare Yourself to Change the World- how they will learn life skills to make a difference. 

Eighth Grade: During this abridged week only some of 8th grade groups met and they were introduced to the theme of 8th grade Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh.” 

The Power of Believing in Our Children

  It is hard to believe that we only have a few more days of school.  We are grateful for all the strides our students have made and thank you, the parents, for your partnership.  We are, of course, grateful for our dedicated teachers who truly spend hours upon hours preparing their lessons, grading papers and most importantly creating relationships with our students. A testament to this relationship is an activity that we do at the end of the year in sixth, seventh and eighth grades which we fondly call the “Gratitude to Teachers Lesson.”  There is a different “trigger” at the start of the lesson for each grade to help the students think about all they have gained from their teachers that year.  Students are then each randomly assigned four teachers to whom to write gratitude letters. As part of that letter they are asked to specify something they learned that year that made an impact.  Teachers then receive the letters on the last day of school. We began this tradition during covid and when I saw how meaningful it was for the teachers, we have continued each year. 

On Shavuot I read an article by Rabbi Yissocher Frand called “Standing Up To The Task.”  When I read it, it made me think of those relationships that our teachers form with our students, and the relationships that we as parents need to form with our children to ensure their growth and development. Rabbi Frand begins with a question. How is it possible that the Jewish people who were on the 49th level of impurity got the Torah?! In fact, the midrash states that the angels turned to Hashem when He was saving the Jewish people at the Yam Suf questioning why He was saving them over the Egyptians: 

 הללו עובדי עבודה זרה והללו עובדי עבודה זרה    

These [the Egyptians] are idolaters and these [the Jews] are idolaters.

And, despite their low level, 50 days later they got the Torah. Rabbi Frand asks, “It boggles the mind. Seven weeks? Is that all it took to emerge from the depths of the shaarei tumah to such spiritual eminence that they could absorb kol haTorah kulah?”  

To answer this question, Rabbi Frand moves to an example from the life of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Gamla. During that time period there was a less than ethical practice that the government would sell the position of Kohen Gadol to the highest bidder. The wife of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Gamla was wealthy and paid King Yanai for her husband to become Kohen Gadol.  Was Yehoshua Ben Gamla a fraud?  We see that in Bava Batra 21a it says: 

דְּאָמַר רַב יְהוּדָה אָמַר רַב: בְּרַם, זָכוּר אוֹתוֹ הָאִישׁ לַטּוֹב – וִיהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן גַּמְלָא שְׁמוֹ, שֶׁאִלְמָלֵא הוּא, נִשְׁתַּכַּח תּוֹרָה מִיִּשְׂרָאֵל. שֶׁבִּתְחִלָּה, מִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ אָב – מְלַמְּדוֹ תּוֹרָה, מִי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ אָב – לֹא הָיָה לָמֵד תּוֹרָה. מַאי דְּרוּשׁ? ״וְלִמַּדְתֶּם אֹתָם״ – וְלִמַּדְתֶּם אַתֶּם .הִתְקִינוּ שֶׁיְּהוּ מוֹשִׁיבִין מְלַמְּדֵי תִינוֹקוֹת בִּירוּשָׁלַיִם… הִתְקִינוּ שֶׁיְּהוּ מוֹשִׁיבִין בְּכׇל פֶּלֶךְ וּפֶלֶךְ. וּמַכְנִיסִין אוֹתָן כְּבֶן שֵׁשׁ עֶשְׂרֵה כְּבֶן שְׁבַע עֶשְׂרֵה,

What was this ordinance? As Rav Yehuda says that Rav says: Truly, that man is remembered for the good, and his name is Yehoshua ben Gamla. If not for him the Torah would have been forgotten from the Jewish people. Initially, whoever had a father would have his father teach him Torah, and whoever did not have a father would not learn Torah at all.The Gemara explains: What verse did they interpret homiletically that allowed them to conduct themselves in this manner? They interpreted the verse that states: “And you shall teach them [otam] to your sons” (Deuteronomy 11:19), to mean: And you yourselves [atem] shall teach, i.e., you fathers shall teach your sons.  When the Sages saw that not everyone was capable of teaching their children and Torah study was declining, they instituted an ordinance that teachers of children should be established in Jerusalem. … Therefore, the Sages instituted an ordinance that teachers of children should be established in one city in each and every region [pelekh]. And they brought the students in at the age of sixteen and at the age of seventeen.

In essence, Rabbi Yehoshua ben Gamla, who bribed his way into being Kohen Gadol, saved the future of the Jewish people through establishing education for those whose parents could not teach them.  If not for him the Torah would have been forgotten from the Jewish people.  Yavneh Academy would not be here today without him. 

How can it be that this is the same man? Rabbi Frand quotes the Sfat Emet: 

“…the two Yehoshua ben Gamlas are, in fact, one and the same. And though his entry into the Kehunah Gedolah may have come about through unscrupulous means, the move ultimately resulted in a metamorphosis of his entire persona. Once he became the Kohein Gadol, people started treating him like a Kohein Gadol. They afforded him the kavod due to a Kohein Gadol. They asked him their sh’eilos. They davened on his behalf. And as a result, he became a different person. Because people respond to the way that others treat them.”

This, in turn, answers our original question of how the Jewish people can go from idol-worshippers to Torah “acceptors” in 50 days? Before they got the Torah Hashem says to the Jewish people in Shemot 19:6: 

וְאַתֶּ֧ם תִּהְיוּ־לִ֛י מַמְלֶ֥כֶת כֹּהֲנִ֖ים וְג֣וֹי קָד֑וֹשׁ

but you shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.

When they Jewish people heard what Hashem thought of them, says Rabbi Frand, it transformed them from idol worshippers to a ג֣וֹי קָד֑וֹשׁ- a holy nation. If G-d had faith in them, they could rise to that level. 

Rabbi Frand eloquently says, “That is how people react; this is human nature. We rise or fall to the level of faith that others have in us. What is true for adults is certainly true for children. If there is one crucial lesson for all parents to know, it is this: Your children’s behavior will reflect how you treat them. If we treat them like immature, incapable children, then that is what they will become. But if we show how greatly we admire them, how strongly we believe in them, how much hope and aspiration we have for their futures, then they will live up to that expectation.” 

We as parents, and educators, need to ensure that our children see themselves as a מַמְלֶ֥כֶת כֹּהֲנִ֖ים וְג֣וֹי קָד֑וֹשׁ-  we know they can do it! We know they can achieve in their spiritual lives, their character and in their academics.  We must relay the message to our children even or specifically after seeing a grade on their report card that is less than stellar, that we know  you can do it. We will help you uncover that power you have within. I am always proud of you and believe in you.  Only once we relay that message to them will they “live up to that expectation.”

Recently, my family got into a discussion about Helen Keller and how it was possible that she accomplished all that she did.  I then shortly after came across a blog called “Living Up To Expectations.”  The author begins discussing a radio show he heard recently of a man named Daniel Kish who was blind since he was a toddler.  As an adult, he rides bikes, hikes woods, walks through cities, using echolocation, as he clicks his tongue and listens to the sound bounce back to see if objects are nearby. The person interviewing him asserts that “blindness is a social construct. When we as a society have low expectations for what a blind person can accomplish, we limit what they can accomplish." He notes that when the people around a child have limited expectations for him/her, they “limit the possibilities for that child.” 

More important than the skills that our teachers here at Yavneh teach in the classroom , is the message they relay to our children that they believe in them. For that, we are grateful. I can recount story after story of a child who struggled at the start of the year and gave up easily.  However, with the teacher relaying his/her belief in the child, by the end of the year the child transformed to an eager student who does not give up.   It can be what we say, or even a subtle as an intonation, as Rabbi Frand notes.  As parents we too have the power to help our children live up to our expectations and let them know that the possibilities are endless for what they can accomplish. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students reflected on all they learned this year and wrote a Success Guide for incoming sixth graders containing their tips for how to succeed in middle school. This coming week they will be doing lessons on peer pressure and summer, summer safety and gratitude for teachers (described above).

Seventh Grade: With no Advisory this past week, this coming week our 7th graders will be having our Gratitude for Teachers lesson (described above), and will be creating time capsule to celebrate and remember all they have accomplished this year. 

Eighth Grade: As our 8th grade parents read we completed our “Senior Seminar” including lessons on mental health, CCSA substance abuse workshop, gratitude to teachers , leaving their mark on Yavneh- contemplating what they have accomplished and decorating a memory rock for the Yavneh garden, creating tributes to their classmates, and alumni who have just graduated high school answering questions about high school in our Senior Scoop program. 

Collective Action and Shavuot

Dr. Jonathan Haidt in his book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness,  highlights the power of collective action.  Collective action is when a group would be better off if everyone in the group takes on a particular action, as a person is generally deterred from engaging in an action unless others are doing so as well.  Haidt discusses how collective action is another key to protecting our children from the dangers of technology.  There is so much social pressure, among parents and the children, to allow children to engage in technology that can be dangerous to them  and particularly to their mental health. The goal of our Healthy Tech initiative is to create a collective action so that both parents and children can exert positive peer pressure on each other to limit device use and ensure that the use of technology is safe. 

The concept of collective action is not new. In fact, thousands of years ago the Jewish people implemented “collective action.” When the Jewish people arrived at Har Sinai, it famously states in Shemot 19:2: וַיִּחַן־שָׁם יִשְׂרָאֵל נֶגֶד הָהָר Israel encamped there in front of the mountain,  Rashi notes the unusual language. “ויחן” is  singular. And, in fact, earlier in the pasuk all the verbs regarding Bnai Yisrael are in plural:

 וַיִּסְע֣וּ מֵֽרְפִידִ֗ים וַיָּבֹ֨אוּ֙ מִדְבַּ֣ר סִינַ֔י וַיַּֽחֲנ֖וּ בַּמִּדְבָּ֑ר  They journeyed from Rephidim, and they arrived in the desert of Sinai, and they encamped in the desert. 

And, that is where Rashi comments that it is in singular because  כְּאִישׁ אֶחָד בְּלֵב אֶחָד, the Jews at Har Sinai were united like one person with one heart .  That is the essence of collective action. All united with the same goal, same beliefs and the same mission.

In essence, it is very difficult to stand up and do the right thing when others around you are not joining in.  We all know the potential negative impact of peer pressure, but there is a potential positive impact of peer pressure as well. As it says in Pirkei Avot (again- learning this time of year!) 4:11: 

כל כנסיה שהיא לשם שמים סופה להתקיים ושאינה לשם שמים אין סופה להתקים

Every assembly (group) [whose purpose is] for the sake of Heaven will have lasting results, but that which is not for the sake of Heaven will not have lasting results.

The Koren commentary on this mishna does stress the negative impact of peer pressure,(despite the mishna's highlighting the potential positive impact as well)“psychologists have noted a ‘groupthink’ phenomenon in which people are pressured to go along with the decisions of the inner clique that constitutes the power group.  People  either come to accept the dictates of the power group, or they are de-legitimized or ostracized. Dissent is crushed…Jewish law sought to counteract the deleterious effects of goupthink.”   The commentary continues to note that with the Sanhedrin, judges of lesser authority spoke first, students were able to offer opinions and if the Sanhedrin reached a unanimous guilty verdict in a capital case, the defendant was acquitted.  All of this to prevent the groupthink phenomenon.  

And, of course, this peer pressure has been found in the research to impact teens even more than other age groups. In 2005 psychologist Lawrence Steinberg proved that adolescents were more than twice as likely to engage in “risky driving” in a computerized driving game when they were surrounded by peers in the room.  Teens take more risks when surrounded by peers. But, Steinberg then continued his study in 2011 believing that there is a way to leverage this susceptibility to peer pressure for positive behavior.  They noticed in MRIs that the regions in the brain associated with reward showed greater activity when being observed by same-age peers.  In 2015 he found that teens learn more positive activities/behaviors more quickly as well when surrounded by peers. Aha- the impact of positive peer pressure or collective action! 

Dr. Haidt, in his chapter on Collective Action Problems, quotes much of what we hear kids say today, “What made it (technology) so addictive was that I just wanted to fit in with my peers.  I didn’t want to miss anything, because if I missed anything, then I was out of the loop, and if I was out of the loop, then kids would laugh at me or make fun of me for not understanding what is going on, and I didn’t want to be left out.”   Or “Once a few students get smartphones and social media accounts, the other students put pressure on their parents putting them into a trap as well. It is painful for parents to hear ‘Everyone else has a smartphone. If you don’t get me one, I’ll be excluded from everything’” And, the only way out of this is “voluntary coordination” among the parents and “social norms.” 

This is clearly another positive result of the Yavneh Healthy Tech pledge.  It is one thing when we tell our children to stay safe with their technology use. It is a whole other level when their friends are actively engaging in limits and safe behaviors in front of them, making it easier as they and their parents are all “כְּאִישׁ אֶחָד בְּלֵב אֶחָד.”

Unity is another theme that has been discussed and focused upon quite often since October 7th. Only ביחד ננצח- united and together can we win. Rabbi Asher Brander, in his article, “Unity and Passion: Theirs and Ours” notes that later in the same parasha where the Jews stood united at the mountain,  there is another instance of unity. This time, in Shemot 14:10:

•   וְהִנֵּה מִצְרַיִם נֹסֵעַ אַחֲרֵיהֶם

the Egyptians advancing upon them 

Rashi here, comments again with the use of the singular form of נֹסֵעַ - 

• בְּלֵב אֶחָד כְּאִישׁ אֶחָד

With one heart and like one person

They too had a collective action- joining together in unity. But, notice that the language is the opposite order of what was said about the Jewish people at Har Sinai.   The Jews were one man with one heart and the Egyptians were like one heart and one man.  

As Rabbi Brander says,

But notice the nuanced difference in the midrashic formulation. For the Jews it is unity of man and then heart and for the Egyptians is it the reverse. And that makes all the difference in the world! Diverse people can unify around a goal (= unity of heart). Even if they otherwise hate each other; the objective becomes the great unifier. Batlah davar batlah ahavah – when that objective is gone however, so is the unity. Jews are unified, b’etzem, in essence. Yisrael Kudsha Brich Hu V’oraisa chad hu. Atah echad .. u’mee k’amcha Yisrael goy echad. Jews, God and Torah are one. Our oneness does not always manifest itself in agreement on a particular method or objective; yet our ability to receive Torah and jointly implement its complete corpus is a reflection of an organic unity – of a massive unified neshama broken down into smaller pieces. We are first an ish echad who then were able to have the leiv echad. Since that special moment, we might fight a bit too much on the methods – but our unity cannot be broken.

As we commemorate the unity of the Jewish people on Chag HaShavuot, may we merit to continue that Jewish unity today- a unity that is based on our love of Torah and Judaism even when the war against Hamas is over and we may not be working on the same objective.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on social exclusion and bullying on-line

Seventh Grade: Students learned about upbeat thinking.

Eighth Grade: As part of their “Senior Seminar” they had sessions on mental health, substance abuse, and saying goodbye to Yavneh.