Pesach and Helping Our Children Reach Their "Potentials"

The hero of the Pesach story is clearly Moshe. Interestingly enough, the beginning of Moshe's life is surrounded by anonymity. In describing the marriage of Moshe's parents, the Torah does not record their names. Rather, it says, "A man from the house of Levi went and took a daughter of Levi" (Shemot, 2:1).  Why doesn't the Torah identify who these two people are?  Perhaps the Torah specifically did not want to mention Moshe's lineage in order to show that in Judaism one does not have to come from a special lineage to be a leader. Rav Zalman Sorotzkin in his Oznayim Le Torah similarly says that every Jewish child that is born has the possibility of becoming a leader of his people. Every child has “potential.”

When are Amram and Yocheved identified as being the parents of Moshe? Only once he was an adult and he accomplished great feats. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein explained that when parents have a talented and/or gifted child they often assume that he will excel due to his inborn “potential.” As parents, we know that that is not true. A child could use his G-d given talents for the wrong. We need to raise a child to go on the correct path. Even Moshe, who we know according to the Gemara in Sotah 12a, was at birth worthy of prophesy, born circumcised and when he was born the room filled with light- even Moshe's future was not guaranteed.

This message is reflected in the Haggadah with the Four Sons. All children are born with “potential,” and depending on how they are raised in combination with their temperaments, they choose different paths. Metaphorically, Chametz and Matzah are the same ingredients. One is allowed to rise, and one does not. In potential, they are the same. It is the path that is chosen for them that makes all the difference.

The message for us and our children is that of positive self-esteem. We are all born with the ability to achieve. We can all be Moshe. Everyone has the ability.

However, some teens may find this dishonest. They know it is our job as parents to tell them they can do anything. (Yeah, Mom. You have to say I'm smart! You're my mom!) But, the reality is that there as some things they cannot do, (i.e. the chances of a petite woman as myself being a championship basketball player are slim!). The answer is in another piece of literature that involves Moshe Rabbeinu. I can still recall being told the story of Reb Zusha as a seventh grader. It made such an impact. The chasidic tale tells of Reb Zusha. “He was known for the simplicity of his lifestyle and his inspiring humility. He once told his disciples, 'When I die and face my judgment I do not fear the angels will ask me whey I was not as spiritual as Moshe. I will simply tell them Moshe was a soul so much greater than my own. Nor do I fear they will ask me why I was not as kind as Avraham. If they do, I will tell them that Avraham was unique in his capacity to do chesed. How can you expect so much of me? Nor do I fear they will ask me why I did not compose songs to G-d as David. If they do, I will say, ' How can you compare me to the 'sweet singer of Israel''? But, what I do fear if that they will ask me, “Zusha, why were you not Zusha?” and for this I will have no answer.”

All that Hashem asks of us is that we utilize the gifts, talents and life circumstances He has given us to do our best in being the best we can be. This is another encouraging message to relay to our children when faced with struggle. Did you try your best? It is also an important value to share. Never settle for mediocrity. When you work on a project, or attempt any sort of endeavor, are you just “trying to get by”? Most importantly, when it comes to being a better Jew- are you just trying to get by or are you trying the best you can?

You may know that when our students in the Middle School celebrate their Bar/Bat Mitzvahs in school I meet with them and ask them to identify a Mitzvah or Midda they would like to improve now that they are accepting the yoke of Mitzvot upon themselves. We want our students to think seriously about the fact that in Judaism we constantly work at achieving our “potentials” and at becoming the “Me” we were meant to be.

Peer Pressure and the Exodus

The Jews were redeemed from Egypt because they stood up to “peer pressure”! It says in Vayikra Rabba 32:5 that they were redeemed due to the fact that they did not change their names, their clothing and their language. Despite the corrupt influences all around them, they maintained their Jewish identities and did what was right.

We know that most decisions of our teens are influenced by their peers. In fact, research at Temple University attempted to ascertain why teens who are generally good make bad decisions when they are with their friends. Participants, (young teens, college students and adults), in the study were asked to play a video game that simulated driving and asked them to make decisions about slowing down at yellow lights or speeding up while in a a brain scanner. Half of the time they were told that friends were watching them play in the other room. Young teens ran about 40% more yellow lights and had 60% more crashes when they knew friends were watching. “The regions of the brain associated with reward showed greater activity when they were playing in view of their friends. It was as if the presence of friends, even in the next room, prompted the brain's reward system to drown out any warning signals about the risk , tipping the balance toward the reward. The presence of peers activated the reward circuitry in the brain of adolescents that it didn't do in the case of adults,” said Laurence Steinberg the author of the study. This effect of peer pressure was even felt when friends were in the other room- without any coercion!

We, therefore, in our Advisory program have had three programs this past week that focused on the negative and positive influences of peer pressure.

Reflections

Our 6^th graders experienced the Reflections program. Reflections is a Teen Improvisational Theater program run out of the Bergen County Division of Family Guidance. Actors from local high schools are trained to do “improv” on social/emotional topics to present to younger students by Mrs. Staci Block, their director. Together with Mrs. Block we planned this year’s program to cover the topic of Peer Pressure, as the students are in the middle of a unit in Advisory on Friendship and Relationships. Students were able to volunteer to act, and interact with the actors as they acted out two scenarios- a child feeling peer pressure to misbehave in class and a child feeling peer pressure at his own house to go against his parents’ house rules. Our own Elie Fried, Max Krantz, Eliana Suldan and Adam Varnai played the roles of teachers, parents and students in the improvisational scenarios- without any practice! Our sixth graders were able to relate to the scenarios and were able to identify with pressures they often feel to do the wrong thing. We discussed the strength it takes to stand up to peer pressure and how to effectively do so. Reflections allows students are able to get the message in a humorous and creative way.

Rockets into Roses

Our 7^th graders are in the middle of a unit in their Advisory program called, “Do Not Stand Idly By”- the importance of acting when one sees injustice – whether in one’s school or even at the world at large. We have discussed how to do what what is right in spite of peer pressure to do the wrong thing. Students have learned that Political Action is one way they can act when they see injustice. As part of this unit, the students learned about the rocket attacks from Gaza into cities in Israel, as presented by Mr. Avinoam Segal, the Shaliach from the Federation. Since that program students have been learning the skills of what it takes to be an “upstander” instead of a bystander when one sees wrong happening. This unit is culminating in the students taking what they learned and putting it into practice. They will partner with an organization called United for Israel that sponsors the Rockets into Roses program, as presented by Mrs. Nomi Haberman. Yaron Bob, an Israeli artist, creates metal art sculptures and jewelry out of Kassam rockets that have landed in Israel. He crafts beautiful roses with the message perseverance and transforms objects of war into objects of peace. Please see the following links for a taste of their project:

 http://www.rocketsintoroses.com/slideshow.html ;

 http://www.rocketsintoroses.com/videos/cbn_video.html

All proceeds from the sales go to building shelters and supporting those who have suffered attacks. The seventh graders will be raising money to purchase a rose to present to a local politician along with letters they have written about the need for America to understand the daily fear Israelis feel regarding potential attacks and to request their standing by Israel. Stay tuned as we update you about the project in the coming weeks.

JCC – Teen Leadership Conference- Middle School

Fourteen of our 7^th and 8^th graders were privileged to attend the JCC Teen Leadership Conference for Middle School students on Friday March 1^st. The topic of the conference, coordinated by the JCC and the Bergen Family Center, was Tolerance and Standing Up to Bullying. The entire conference was planned and implemented by a committee of middle schools students from eight schools. Two of our own 8^th graders, Dina Jawetz and Jessica Orski, played a significant role in planning the conference. The topics addressed at the conference through hands-on interactive workshops were cyberbullying, the emotional effects of bullying and bullying intervention. The effect of peer pressure on bullying and the importance of being “upstanders” were also highlighted. Students also had the opportunity to question a panel of adults who were once bullied. It was a unique opportunity to interact with students from other schools and put our heads together to target this problem. The slogan of the conference was “Be the change.” Students came away knowing that they have a responsibility to go back to their schools and represent all that they learned by “being the change they wish to see in the world.”

It says in the Haggadah, “B'chol dor v'dor, chayav adam lirot, et atzmo kilu hu yatza mimitzrayim” “In every generation a person is obligated to see himself as if he himself left Egypt.” Through focusing on peer pressure and its challenges our students are emulating the yotzei Mitzrayim who stood up to the “peer pressure” that surrounded them.

On This Purim, Is Your Wine Glass Half Full or Half Empty?

Just when you think you have lost the game, and there is no hope, as the other team is “shmearing” you 24 to 2, you hit a homer. And, then the next player, and then the next player- both home runs. Your team's luck continues and no one strikes out for the rest of the game! Then the other team is up, and you strike out one player after another. Your team wins! It's a miracle!

Just when you think the villain is going to triumph, and the end is near, suddenly salvation appears. It's a miracle! The sheer simcha on the holiday of Purim is unparalleled in any other Jewish holiday, (despite there being a mitzvah of “V'samachta b'chagecha” on Sukkot). We had great salvations on Pesach too- but the happiness and joy felt on that holiday is not the same. Why?

It is this sudden change of events- from the depths of despair of Haman's evil plan to the extreme victory of the Jews which creates this joy. It is the “V'nahafoch hu”- and it all turned around, and in the blink of an eye Hashem can change the future.

Purim represents the concept of never giving up hope as everything can turn out right in the end. On Purim, according to the Gemara Megilla 7b, we are to get to the point where we do not know the difference between “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordechai.” This is to remind us that evil is often a passing phenomenon, and although it looks like it is gaining power, appearances can be deceiving. “V'nahafoch hu”- it all is the opposite of what it appears.

Purim is the holiday of hope and optimism. We know that the research on optimism indicates that people who are optimistic and hopeful are indeed happier, experience less stress, are more successful, healthier and even do better in school and sports. It makes perfect sense that Purim is the joyful holiday.

Dr. Martin Seligman is well- known for his research on optimism. He states the difference between people who give up when “the going gets tough” and those who persevere is the difference in how people explain bad and good events. He is famous for his “learned optimism” which clearly indicates that one is not born an optimist or pessimist, but it can be learned and taught. An “optimistic explanatory style” (the half-full syndrome) is essential for this outlook. The pessimist explains bad things that happen as permanent and pervasive in every area of his life. He says that his failures are due to some lacking in himself and not just due to situational factors. For example, when the baseball player strikes out he says it is because he has no skill, which can never change, and he is not good at any sports. When good things happen to the pessimist, he tends to describe them as temporary and only related to this particular area. For example, when the baseball player hits a home run, he says- it was a fluke and will never happen again. The optimist, on the other hand, explains a negative situation as temporary and narrowly focused to that event. He describes positive situations as permanent and pervasive. He sees his successes as due to something positive about himself and failures due to situational factors.

How does one teach optimism? By consciously thinking what an optimist would think intuitively. With practice, a pessimist can change those negative patterns of thinking. This is not permanent. Things can change for the better- “V'nahafoch hu.”

How can we as parents help our children be more optimistic and have that V'nahafoch hu thinking (I new psychological term!) ? The teenager years are particularly a time which is prone to pessimism as teens are changing “hormonally” and tend to be more irritable. Pessimistic teens tend to be more aggressive, depressed and are more likely to use alcohol and other drugs. Cindy Jett highlights some effective strategies:

1. We can help them develop a positive explanatory style. When confronted with a challenge assist them in seeing that it is not a reflection of their own personal worth and could be situational and temporary. When they have successes focus on what they did to achieve that success. It wasn't simple good luck.
2. Challenge catastrophic thinking- This type of thinking is when we imagine a catastrophic outcome. Words like “never,” “always”, “everyone” and “no one” are key signals for this type of thinking. “No one wants to be my friend.” Help them develop a more balanced view.
3. Encourage gratitude- This is a great way to teach them to see the glass “half full.” When we focus on gratitude we are training ourselves to focus on the positive. We can even share with each other what we are grateful for on a weekly basis- and not just on Thanksgiving.
4. Teach your child to be proactive- Since pessimists feel they are powerless to change their situations they do not even bother trying. This leads to helplessness and even depression. When our children share with us a situation that is making them unhappy help them brainstorm practical things they can do to make a change.
5. Model optimism- Children tend to develop the explanatory style of their parents. We need to work on being more hopeful. Watch out for how you explain negative events. When the kugel comes out burnt say, “The oven temperature was too high.” Rather than, “I am a terrible cook.”
6. Prepare for setbacks- As adults we know that most new experiences in life have bumps. Teens do not yet have the experience to know that. So, for example, before entering high school we may prepare them (without scaring them!) with some of the challenges of freshmen year. When they do suffer a setback, be realistic and help them stick to the facts, identify their strengths, (perhaps in other areas), and offer some explanations so they don't catastrophize. Stress the ability for improvement and what can change. Set goals for the future.

Being hopeful does not mean that one lives in the clouds and is not in touch with reality. Hope provides us with a mindset we can set up strategies to achieve our goals, and that increases the chances that we will actually achieve those goals.

In our Seventh Grade Advisory curriculum we spend on entire unit on “When Life Gives You Lemons- How to Face Adversity,” and we train the students in this power of hope and positive thinking. As believing Jews, we are able to be even more hopeful than the average person as we have “bitachon” - trust in G-d, as it says in Berachot 10a,“Afilu cherev chada munachat al tzavaro shel adam al yimnah atzmo min harachamim” “Even if a sharp sword is placed on a man's neck, he should not deprive himself from the quality of mercy.” Hashem does step in and creates a “V'nahafoch hu” situation.

The Sefer Otzrot HaTorah states that when we are faced with challenge the Yetzer Hara makes every effort to get a person to diminish his bitachon. (Is that our inner voice telling us to be pessimistic?!) The Baal Shem Tov says that that is specifically the time we should work on strengthening our bitachon. Bitachon may be more powerful than Tefilla. It says in Tehillim 32:10 “V'habotecah b'Hashem chesed yesovevenu” “He who trusts in Hashem, kindness surrounds him.” (Is that self-fulfilling prophecy? If I think things will go wrong, they will. But, if I think things will go right, they do).

On this Purim day, may we take the joyful lessons of hope that Purim provides and apply them to our daily lives. 

The "Har-bowl" and Parenting

How can any self-respecting psychologist, sitting at her computer the week after the Super Bowl, contemplating her “Super Bowl” column, pass up on the Harbaugh brothers story? For those who did not follow, John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, and Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, were the first siblings in history to face each other at the Super Bowl - otherwise known as the "Har-bowl."  When asked about the potential rivalry, each sibling denied it. Jim said, “That's my brother on the other side. I love him and I care about him very much.” And, we all watched the anticipated interaction between the brothers at the end of the game. There was a handshake, and John stated that , “I told him I loved him, you know, good game, and he said 'Congratulations,' you know, 'I'm proud of you.'” (There has been some post-game discussion about why they did not hug).

We have heard much in recent years about the Manning brothers and their close relationship. How about Venus and Serena Williams? They seem to get along well. What is their secret? One would actually imagine that since they were involved in the same sport, the competition would be intense. It goes against what one might intuitively think about sibling rivalry- allow each to specialize and excel in different areas to lessen the competition.

There has been some research on sibling athletes in the British Journal of Sports Medicine. One aspect of the study indicates that in actuality, two siblings being trained by the same coach is actually good for their athletic success. “Interestingly, good friends trained by the same coach will not see the same results as blood relatives in that environment. 'Siblings tend to look upon each other as competitors differently than how they look at other competitors,' says sports psychologist Christopher Carr, who consulted with American athletes at the Beijing Games. 'It actually has a way of relieving some of the externalized pressure. And in a way, they can be happier for a sibling's victory, as opposed to a stranger's, even when it's at the cost of their own success.'”

The Harbaughs', Mannings' and Williams' parents were able to raise children who while competing were able at the same time to be happy for each other. Again, what is their secret?

As parents, there are some ways we can encourage this bond. We need to give them positive opportunities to play with each other. We are so busy arranging “play dates” for every free moment of their time, that we forget the importance of children staying home and playing with their siblings. There are many a Shabbat when I am happy that I did not make plans for my children, as they have the opportunity to enjoy each other. The same with family trips. I want them to have shared experiences which are so important for life-long bonds.

But, it is essential for the time they spend “playing” together that their positive interactions outnumber their negative interactions- the research on ratios. One research study on interactions between siblings indicates that it is important to find things they can do together that they both enjoy, even if there is a gap in age or not much in common. As parents, if we can find a little time each day for them to share a positive experience it is life-changing. The key is that the positive experiences should outweigh the negative ones. Therefore, we also need to limit the time they spend together when we know they will fight.

When they are fighting- particularly for teens- we need to try not to intervene. When they are younger, we model for and train them in the steps of conflict resolution. Often, we just cannot win when we intervene, as someone will be seen as the “favorite.”

We also can encourage more kindness to each other when we catch their positive interactions and comment on them. “I really appreciated the way you helped your sister carry her bag...”

Children need to feel a part of something greater than themselves. Family is the place where they will always belong. Family traditions, rituals, and practices that only someone who grew up in your house would do are great ways to reinforce this sense of belonging. So, in our home, for example, we might sing a tune to Shalom Aleichem that no one else does. Additionally, children easily pick up the message, “In our home, family is important. We may not always get along, but we are always there for each other.” We cannot choose our siblings as we do friends- that is what makes this relationship unique. The relationship with our siblings has the longest duration of any relationship. Siblings have a shared history. We need to remember that friendships (and Super Bowl rings) come and go, but sibling relationships are permanent.

You Just Don't Understand! Teens and Perspective Taking

This past week, our 7^th graders experienced a program on the situation in Gaza brought to us by the Federation Shaliach, Mr. Avinoam Segal. The program included a presentation by Mr. Segal on the background of the Gaza conflict and the challenges it presents to Israel. The students were then split into six groups and were asked to take on the role of the group they were assigned. The groups were- IDF leaders, American Jewish leadership, U.S. Congress, a family in Sderot, a Gazan family and the Egyptian government. The students were then asked, “Imagine that you were, (for example), a Gazan family...What should we tell our political leaders, Hamas, about how we want our state to be?...How can we ever make peace with the Israelis?” (The different roles to play were created by a committee of administrators from the local Yeshivot, including Rabbi Penn, who brought this program to my attention). The exercise forced the students to take the perspective of the group they were assigned, no matter how different from their own, and attempt to make decisions the way that group would.

The primary goal of the program was to give them an understanding of the situation in Gaza and to launch our next unit in Advisory “Do Not Stand Idly By”- the obligation to do something when we see injustice in the world. Our students will spend the next month discussing this obligation and the reasons why people tend to remain bystanders and not get involved. They will focus on the importance of not being bystanders when it comes to global issues and when it comes to day to day issues, like bullying in the hallways or cheating. This unit will culminate with a political action project on behalf of Israel relating to Gaza.

However, as I was experiencing Wednesday's program, I realized that there was another goal. The program encouraged “perspective taking”- “when an observer tries to understand, in a nonjudgmental way, the thoughts, motives, and/or feelings of a target, as well as why they think and/or feel the way they do.” (The group I led focused on the perspective of the Egyptian government. One question we had to tackle was in light of the new Egyptian government, “Should Israel keep the peace treaty with Egypt?” At first all the students said, “Why should Israel? The new Egyptian government is not friendly!” However, we had an Israeli child in our group who said, “But, we want peace. We should keep the treaty as long as we can.” Another exercise in perspective taking. How many of our American children can imagine the perspective that an Israeli child can of the need for peace?)

In the article “Building better work places through individual perspective taking: A fresh look at a fundamental human process,” (where the aforementioned definition was found), Parker, Atkins and Axtell focus on the power perspective taking has on improving the workplace. Perspective taking is known to improve communication, enhance interpersonal problem-solving ability and lower interpersonal aggression and conflict. We know that these skills are need for successful friendships, marriages, workplace interactions and family lives. Many children who are not successful at friendships are found to have difficulty with perspective taking. And, for many of us, perspective taking it is not easy.

The authors state that perspective taking is an intentional and goal-directed process, and is not automatic or subconscious in any way. Therefore, it is an endeavor which requires effort. In fact, we know that there are specific regions of the brain that are recruited for this task. How good one is at this perspective taking clearly correlates with how much effort one puts into it. They maintain that perspective taking is different from empathy in that with empathy one can identify the emotions of the other, but will not necessarily understand why he/she feels that way. In addition, perspective taking demands that one accepts the perspective of the other as a legitimate one- without necessarily agreeing with that perspective. Additionally, perspective taking needs to be dynamic, as the views of the other may change, and therefore there needs to be updating and revising.

For those of us who have had an argument and have attempted to take the perspective of the other, we can testify it is not a simple task. A key component in conflict resolution is the ability to create solutions that meet the needs of all parties. The only way to do so is to first understand the perspective of the other party. This creates a win-win situation and avoids one party dominating the other. Couples in conflict tend to have little perspective taking.

For those of us with teenagers, much conflict in our lives is found at home with our children. In our 8^th grade Advisory program this week we began a unit on perspective taking with one's parents. We ask them to imagine what is like to be a parent and to think about your perspective. We also help them learn how to communicate their perspectives with you so that you can understand them better.

Ellen Galinsky, author of Mind in the Making , highlights the importance of perspective taking in our children. “We worry about school readiness in the U.S. Because we know that far too many children aren't ready for school. We tend to think that the solution is to increase what young children know- numbers, letters, concepts and content. But now think about those children who go to school and can't understand what their teachers want or expect. Studies show that these children are not ready for school either... We worry about children who bully or cyberbully...those children who get into fights because they aren't able to read the behaviors of others; they misinterpret what's going on...The children I have been talking about need to improve their skill in perspective taking.”

In our 6^th grade Advisory curriculum, we will be soon engaging in a lesson on how to “figure out” what your teacher expects from you- an essential skill to being a successful student and having a successful interpersonal career. Through attempting to see the teacher's perspective the student can identify the more subtle behaviors that “please” teachers.

As parents, what can we do to encourage perspective taking? We need to talk about the thinking and feelings of others. (What do you think Sara was thinking when she said that to you?) Talking about our own thoughts with our children is also helpful. (When I rushed you out the door I was worried that I would be late to work again). We can discuss perspectives in reading, movies and television shows. (Hermoine must have been thinking that she would never see Harry again- that is why...)

Ms. Galinsky stresses that perspective taking is not enough as many of our very successful con-men are excellent perspective takers. These skills needs to be couched in morality, (her word), and Daat Torah, (my words). At school and home we transmit social/emotional skills through the lens of the Torah. 

Differentiating the "Avot" Way

 As the secular New Year begins we also celebrate another beginning- the beginning of Sefer Shemot in Keriat HaTorah. We celebrated the culmination of Sefer Bereishit in our Parsha and Parenting class last week. For those who were unable to be there, we highlighted new and unique perspectives on some parenting strategies we could learn from G-d- the ultimate Parent, and then from the Avot and Imahot. The Torah purposefully does not portray our patriarchs as flawless, thereby allowing for us to better relate to their experiences and learn from them.

I want to highlight one element of our shiur last week which particularly relates to us today in 2013. The interactions of Yitzchak with his sons Eisav and Yaakov are quite puzzling. Didn't Yitzchak realize what Eisav had become and the evil path he had chosen? Didn't he realize that Yitzchak was the righteous one and through him the Jewish people would continue? How “clueless” could he have been to love Eisav more than Yitzchak and choose to give the blessing to Eisav? As I shared with those who attended, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, in his commentary on the Torah and in an article he wrote, provided an unbelievably progressive answer to this difficulty. Upon reading his article today, one might have imagined that he lived in 2013 instead of the 1800's.

Rav Hirsch stresses that the above story is difficult to explain. Eisav and Yaakov were born from the same womb, raised in the same home, and yet the two grow up to be as different and disparate as possible. He finds a hint in the pasuk in Bereishit 25: 27, “ויגדלו הנערים" “And, the boys grew up.” Rashi on the pasuk comments, “While they were boys, the differences in their behavior were not recognizable. No one paid any attention to the differences in their tendencies. Then, when they reached the age of thirteen, the one devoted himself to the house of study and the other to idolatry. They may be compared to a myrtle and a thistle that grew up intertwined. Only when they were fully grown did the one spread its fragrance and the other bared its thorns. As long as they were children they went to the same school, but once they were grown the one moved into the house of study and the other into the house of idolatry.”

Rav Hirsch takes this Rashi and continues, “They tell us that Jacob and Esau alike could have been preserved for their Divinely-ordained destiny as descendants of Abraham if their parents would have noticed the difference between them at an early age. They could then have reared and educated both lads for the same goal by following a different approach in each case, taking into the account the fact that these two brothers were basically different from one another. Because, unfortunately, an identical approach was followed in the rearing and education of these two boys, even through they were two totally different personalities, Jacob and Esau in manhood developed attitudes toward life that were fundamentally opposed to each other.” Rav Hirsch speaks of the modern concept of differentiated instruction. As it says in Mishlei 22:6, "חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֭נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ גַּ֥ם כִּֽי־יַ֝זְקִ֗ין לֹֽא־יָס֥וּר מִמֶּֽנָּה" "Train a child according to his way; when he matures, he will not deviate from it." As teachers, we design our lessons so some students can learn visually, others auditorily etc. , and we keep the personalities of children in mind. As parents, we need to differentiate as well.

Rav Hirsch continues to describe that as a child Eisav's tendency was to use his physical skills and his mental agility, and he had no interest in the sedentary and cerebral life of Yaakov, (and Yitzchak). And, yet Eisav was educated without utilizing his tendencies and developed “a loathing for the Abrahamite tradition.” All that he thought entailed following that tradition was “completely foreign to his personality...The type of education he received could have only one effect: to make him yearn for the moment when he would be free to escape from the confines of the Abrahamite house of study...” I have written in the past about the “off the derech” phenomenon and why children raised in religious homes choose to leave the fold. Among the many possible reasons, Rav Hirsch highlights a common one.

Had Yitzchak and Rivka raised Eisav by showing him that traits such as physical and mental agility could be used in the service of Hashem, he would have grown to understand that his talents could play an important role and his traits would have been refined in that service.

Rav Hirsch then goes on to point out that before Yaakov's death he brings all his sons together to bless them. They all received different berachot- all differentiated. The Midrash Tanchuma 16 stresses, “But you must not think that because he assigned to Judah the strength of a lion, to Benjamin the ferocity of a wolf... that Jacob did not give them all an equal share in his blessing. For this reason it is written he blessed them each separately according to their individual personalities, but each of these separate blessings was a blessing intended to benefit all of them together.” And, we do note that Yaakov is the only patriarch who had all his sons follow the ways of Hashem.

Differentiation is not only the job of the school educator. It is a parent's job as well. We need to differentiate rules, consequences for misdeeds, and parenting styles. It is a challenge to assess what each child needs and to reinforce that treating each child equally is actually not fair. Or, as we coined a new word in a Parsha and Parenting shiur last year, as parents we do not want to treat our children equally, we want to treat them “uniqually.”

What Are Our Chlidren Seeing At The Movies?

 There's an old joke that Jewish people have Chinese and go the movies on Christmas Day. At Yavneh, our middle schoolers will have a Yom Iyun and a chesed opportunity. But, since we do have only a half day of school, perhaps some families will opt to go to the movies. The search for family movies is not an easy one.

Many of our teens are not going to the movies with us anymore, but are being dropped off at the theater with their friends. The decision of when a child is old enough to go to the movies alone with friends depends on the child. But, assume your child is old enough- how can we ensure that they are watching movies that we deem appropriate? I have heard from numerous parents that they are setting strict guidelines as to what movies their children are allowed to watch, and yet their children might say, “I am the only one who isn't allowed to see that movie!” Often our children claim that we are the only “evil” parents who restrict them, and we find that claim to be untrue.

Why are we so firm about the movies our children are allowed to see? The pasuk in Bamidbar 15:39 states,  "לא תתורו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם "Do not stray after your heart and after your eyes” . Rashi states that “The heart and the eyes are spies for the body. The eye sees, the heart desires and the body commits the sin.” That which we view with our eyes makes an indelible imprint on our life view.

Modern psychological research has substantiated the assertion of Rashi in Bamidbar 15:39. We all know of the plethora of research concerning the impact of watching violence on TV, movies or games on violent tendencies in children.

Most recently, in studies in both the United States and Europe, teens who have high exposure to scenes of alcohol drinking in movies are twice as likely to experiment with drinking and to binge drink. The same was found with smoking. Studies at the Dartmouth- Hitchcock Cotton Cancer Center in New Hampshire found that the more children were exposed to smoking in movies, the more likely they were to try smoking. If they got rid of the exposure in movies, the risk went down by 18%. Based on this study, there are those who are trying to get an “R” rating for movies with smoking.

Another intuitive area impacted by movie watching is the teen's attitude towards sexuality. A Dartmouth University study showed the kids who watched movies with more sexual content are more likely to have sex at younger ages and demonstrate increased risk taking when it comes to sexuality. In addition to promoting sexual behavior, it is also desensitizing our teens to the promiscuity and risque relationships that have become commonplace in today's society. When I run my “Adolescent Life” workshops with the middle schoolers we discuss with the 8^th graders, (in separate gendered settings), what is their view of what a relationship should be? We then highlight how much of what we perceive relationships to be is based on what we see on television and movies, and not at all realistic. What does the media tell us relationships should be like and how does that differ from Judaism's view? I worry that our young people are growing up with images of relationships that can only set them up for failure.

(Similar findings can be found with reality shows. The Girls Scouts Research Institute recently conducted a survey that girls who watched reality shows were more inclined to focus on their appearance. Such a focus puts undue pressure on girls who are already feeling insecure about how they look. Those who watched the shows also stated that “the shows are reflective of real life and that the antics, such as lying and being mean, are normal, acceptable and ultimately the best methods for excelling in life. Some alarming results: 73% of teens believed that the shows demonstrated that fighting is a normal part of a romantic relationship. 70% said the shows make people think it's okay to treat others badly. 78% said that gossiping between girls is normal. And 63% said it's hard to trust other girls).

What can we as parents do? Clearly, the movies our teens watch affect their social, emotional, and spiritual development. We cannot preview every movie before our children watch them. But, we can visit invaluable sites like: www.parentpreviews.com and www.commonsensemedia.org. These are just two websites that rate movies based on for what age is this movie appropriate? They discuss language, sexuality, violence, sex, positive role models, consumerism, drinking/drugs/smoking and positive messages. Such ratings are essential- especially for PG13 movies. With information in hand, we can make decisions for our children. We need to do the homework to oversee that our children are being exposed to media that “ teaches responsible, and ethical behavior.”

If all of us, as parents, are checking these websites before we allow our children to watch a particular movie, we will all be in this together. We are then not the evil ones when we see a concerning review on these websites and do not allow them to watch that movie. Let us help each other as parents and support each other.

Just to provide examples, there were two PG13 movies that a number of our teenagers were going to see and see their ratings on commonsensemedia.org. (I have to admit, that I have never seen these movies- so I am taking the concerned tone from parents who have shared their concerns about these movies with me). One movie “Pitch Perfect”- “Parents need to know that Pitch Perfect -- a winning musical comedy about a fiercely independent college student -- will give teens (and adults) plenty to like. Expect some strong language ("s--t," "b-i-t-c-h," "d--k," and one use of "f--k"), drug references, and underage drinking (though it's not heavily emphasized). There's also some kissing and lots of sexual innuendo and some sexual discussion, plus several jokes about a lesbian character's attraction to other women in the group. Although the young women portrayed here are, for the most part, strong and confident, sometimes a shaming word, "slut," is used to refer to them.”

Another- “Fun Size” Parents need to know that because Fun Size is from Nickelodeon Studios and features Victoriousstar Victoria Justice and her on-screen little brother, many parents and kids might assume that it's OK for young kids and tweens... The humor, innuendo, and violence -- however comedic they might be -- are inappropriate for Nickelodeon's TV audiences, though far less raunchy than R-rated comedies like Superbad and The Sitter. On the bright side, the movie does encourage teens to look beyond the superficial when it comes to romantic partners and to appreciate and look after your family and close friends. Expect some language ("s--t" and more), underage drinking, implied teen hook-ups, and some scuffles and threats.”

But, we do realize that we cannot always protect them. We need to talk to them about our values regarding sexuality, drinking and all of the above. If they have seen a movie with objectionable elements, we need to have a values talk after the movie. Let them think about what they have just seen and why it doesn't mesh with our values. We need to talk to them before going out with friends and set the guidelines, (i.e. we need to know where they are going, what they are doing, who they are going with- and even put it in writing, if need be). We need to have the names and phone numbers of all the parents of their friends. We also need to tell them that we have the right to pop by and check on them.

Rabbi Mordechai Willig, on the above words and Rashi in Bamidbar points out that in the pasuk, the Torah places the heart before the eyes, but Rashi reverses the order saying “ The eyes see and the heart desires.” Why? Rabbi Willig answers:

“Perhaps the heart does two things- one prior to seeing and a second, after. First, the heart strays. As a result, the eyes stray, as natural curiosity takes over. This is then consistent with the order in the pasuk, as "The eyes follow the heart" (Medrash Tehillim 14:1).

Much of the expanded range of vision presented by natural curiosity is benign. Nonetheless, inevitably one's lust is aroused by what the eye sees, and at that point, the heart desires. Occasionally, a person cannot control these desires, and the body sins, as Rashi explains.”

What Rabbi Willig points out is that the impact of what one sees might be changed by one's heart – one's attitude, values etc. As parents, we need to strengthen the hearts of our children daily with the values and ethics of our family and religion. If we raise children with strong “hearts” hopefully they will know themselves when there is something they should not be seeing. That is our goal- for them to know what is right when we are not with them to cover their eyes. As Common Sense Media says on their website, “We can't cover their eyes, but we can teach them to see.”