Body Image, The New Barbie And Esther HaMalka

            On March 1, new Barbie dolls will be found on store shelves.  Barbie will now come in “three new body types and in a variety of skin tones and hairstyles.”   The new doll will be available in tall, petite, and curvy body types.  Barbie spokeswoman, Michelle Chidoni, stated, “the product line [will be] a better reflection of what girls see in the world around them.”  Evelyn Mazzocco, senior vice president and global general manager of Barbie, said, “We believe we have a responsibility to girls and parents to reflect a broader view of beauty.” 

            Barbie came up in conversation in the Adolescent Life Classes for seventh graders this week.   The girls focused on body image and the factors that impact on how we as women and girls view ourselves and our bodies.  We discussed the impact of the media.  The waiflike models or the photoshopped bodies we see in magazines contribute to our developing body images.  Barbie, is similarly affecting young girls.   Barbie is “so exceptionally thin that her weight and body proportions are not only unattainable, but also unhealthy.  The ultrathin female beauty ideal she embodies has been linked with the extraordinary prevalence of negative body image and unhealthy eating patterns among girls and women.” Until 2006, this was hypothesized, but not yet substantiated by the research.   In a 2006 study in the Journal of Developmental Psychology “Does Barbie Make Girls Want To Be Thin?  The Effect of Experimental Exposure To Images Of Dolls On The Body Image of 5-8 Year Old Girls,” the effect of Barbie on body image was explored.   Girls ages 5-8 were exposed to photos of Barbie or Emme (described in the article as U.S. Size 16).   (Studies on girls indicate that their desire to be thin begins at age six!)  In this study, they sought to demonstrate that “Dolls like Barbie can serve as an imaginary point of view from which to see one’s own bodily self, through which young girls come to understand the meaning of beauty and perfection by pretending to be their dolls, which are embodiments of the cultural ideal of the female body.”   Results of this study did indeed demonstrate that girls do experience, “heightened body dissatisfaction” after exposure to images of Barbie versus images of Emme. 

            Am I saying that we should all take our Barbies made before March 1, 2016 and throw them away?  No.  Likewise, we aren’t going to go and tell our daughters to stop watching commercials that feature the models mentioned earlier.   As parents, we need to educate them.  Through direct messages such as: “Beauty is not about weight.”  “Being healthy is important, not attaining a certain weight.”  “Each person has his/her own individual beauty.”  We reinforce the “self- talk” (as mentioned in my blog these past two weeks), where our young women tell themselves that “I am beautiful.”   As parents, and particularly mothers, we model for them as well. We never talk about weight in front of them.  We focus on eating healthy- not losing weight. We don’t complain about how awful we look in front of them.

             In our classes this week, we spoke of other sources of body image aside from the media- parents, peers and boys.  (The boys also focused on how they speak to and about the girls, and what true beauty is).   The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty has some incredible videos which I showed, among others, which highlighted that beauty is a state of mind. We need to work on that positive state of mind in the face of the messages which bombard us daily.

            In this week’s Mishpacha Magazine, Dr. Kiki Ehrenpreis’ research on the impact of weight on dating in the Jewish community was described.   She studied  “all stripes” of Orthodox Jews, and in all communities higher weight led to decreased frequency of dating among women (not men).  These findings are similar to research in the general “Western society.”  Interestingly enough, there was a difference between the Orthodox community and general society in that weight is a less of a factor in the religious sample than in the secular world.

            But, clearly, we have a fight on our hands.  We need to strengthen our girls to win in this battle for their positive body image and self-esteem. In class, we looked at the story of a girl named Bethany, a youtube celebrity, who felt her life was represented by the lyrics in the song Try by Colbie Caillat . The first paragraph is:

“Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?”

We want our girls to understand if someone likes you just for your hair, nails, or your weight, then he/she doesn’t truly like you.  No one should ever make you feel you need to change anything about your physical appearance.  You are more than that.

In the book of Esther, we learn in 2:12-13 “Now when each girl's turn came to go to King Achashverosh, after undergoing the prescribed twelve-month care for women (for only then would their period of beauty-care be completed: six months with oil of myrrh and six months with perfumes and women's cosmetics with which the girl would appear before the king), she would be provided with whatever she requested to accompany her from the harem to the palace.” Each girl spent weeks and weeks engaged in a beauty regimen to be ready for the king’s approval.

Yet, in pasuk 15 we see, “And when the time came for Esther, daughter of Avichayil uncle of Mordechai, who had taken her as a daughter, to go to the king, she did not ask for a thing other than that which Heigai, the king's chamberlain, custodian of the women, had advised. And Esther found favor in the eyes of all who saw her.”  Esther had every piece of makeup and perfume available, and yet she asked for nothing and still found favor in the eyes of all who saw her.  Esther is a role model for our girls.  She was more than her physical appearance. Her self-esteem was not tied into the way she looked.  People adored her because of who she was, not because of what she looked like.  Another message of the Purim story. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began discussing popularity and how it impacts them.

Seventh Grade:  Students came to understand that being silent when there is injustice going on can be just as bad as perpetrating the injustice itself. 

Eighth Grade: Students began to investigate the dangers of substance use, with the first focus on alcohol. 

My Thoughts About Thinking About Thinking

My column last week sang the praises of “Positive self- talk” and avoiding “stinkin’ thinking” all leading to Resiliency.  Clearly, the Wall Street Journal agreed.  (Thank you to Rabbi Penn for alerting me to the article).  Laura Landro’s February 15^th article “Why Resilience Is Good For Your Health And Career” focuses on “employers that offer coaching in how to be positive in spite of stress say the benefits go beyond work.”   People who are more resilient are “more productive, less likely to have high health-care costs and less often absent from work.”  Consequently, employers are offering workshops and “resilience training.”

Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, a Child Life Specialist at the The Stephen D. Hassenfeld Childrens Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders at NYU, led a training with our seventh graders this past week on the type of thinking that benefits their patients. We, in turn, decorated stuffed animals with messages that encouraged upbeat thinking.  (Students eagerly signed up to deliver the “doggies” in coming weeks!)

Mrs. Srolovitz shared with us a program they implement in the hospital, that I have discussed in my column before, called Beads of Courage. As the Beads of Courage website describes, “Children who participate in the program receive colored beads that represent milestones, procedures, and acts of bravery. For instance, they get a yellow bead for an overnight hospital stay, a white one for chemotherapy, and a glow-in-the-dark bead for radiation treatment. It's not uncommon for children to amass 10, 20 -- even 35 -- feet of beads. It helps young patients track and celebrate their progress, but it also gives them a way to get through upcoming procedures, says Gwendolyn Possinger, the coordinator of Children's Memorial Hospital's Beads of Courage program in Chicago.   ‘A child facing another needle can look at his beads and realize that he made it through before so he can do it again.’”  By the act of created a chain of beads, the young patients are reminded of that upbeat thinking.

Resiliency seems to be inescapable this week.  The article, “Metacognition: How Thinking About Thinking Can Help Kids: A Powerful Skill For Building Resilience” by Rae Jacobson, recently arrived in my inbox.   Yet, the author champions a path to resiliency that is different from the one of which I spoke last week.  Ms. Jacobson stresses the importance of helping our children switch from “I can’t do it” to a proactive, “How can I do it?” To do so, they need to think about their own thinking= metcognition.  Why am I stuck?  What is frustrating me?  What do I need to do to get unstuck?  Many of us employ this strategy when we reflect on our own thoughts without even thinking about it, (no pun intended).  “It’s the running conversation we have in our heads, mentally sounding ourselves out and making plans.  Studies indicate that when children are taught metacognitive strategies early in life, they are more resilient and more successful in and out of school.”

Jacobson quotes some examples. Instead of saying “Math tests make me anxious,” one should ask oneself, “What is it about math tests that make me feel anxious and what can I do to change that?” Tamara Rosier says that often negative self-talk,  (that stinkin’ thinkin’), takes the place of metacognitive thinking.  So, not only should one replace negative thinking with upbeat thinking, but metacognitive thinking is essential for resiliency.  Metacognition can be used to change behavior. When they begin to think about their behavior, they are more able to correct it. 

What can we do as parents to promote this metacognitive thinking? We can ask metacognitive questions like:

·        What do you think is making it hard for you to work on this task right now?

·        What are some strategies that have helped you do well on similar tasks in the past?

·        Can you use those insights to help you with the work you're doing now?

 Metacognitive questions, says Rosier, will help your child begin thinking in a more reflective way. Questions should be:

·        Open-ended. Give your child some space to reflect on his thinking: Can you tell me more about why you think that?

·        Non-blaming. It can be hard to stay open when kids are acting out, but asking them to think about their behavior can help them learn to manage difficult situations in a better way: Why do you think you got so upset when Dad changed the channel?

·        Solution-focused. Encourage him to think about how he can use his understanding to change things in the future: How could you handle that differently next time?

Process-oriented. Ask questions that help your child get a better idea of how his thought process works: How will you know when this drawing is finished?

So, that upbeat thinking is not sufficient.  We need to challenge our children to become metacognitive thinkers as well.  What is the best way to do so?  To model it ourselves.  Out loud.  In the open- so they can actually hear the metacognition going on in our heads.

This is our first Adar of a double Adar year.  We all know “Mishenichnas Adar marbin b’simcha”- “When the month of Adar arrives we endeavor to increase our sense of joy.” There is a discussion as to whether this happiness only applies to Adar II- which contains Purim, or applies to Adar I as well.  It is an easy task in Adar II as we prepare for Purim. The festive atmosphere is tangible.  But, how about Adar I?   It is more difficult and therefore we truly need to “endeavor” and work at achieving happiness and optimism. What better way than to focus on increased positive self-talk and metacognitive thinking?

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Through the character of Dear Dr. Friendship, students began to brainstorm about practical solutions when one has an argument with a friend.

Seventh Grade: Seventh graders began discussing the “bystander effect” and why people tend to do nothing when they see injustice.  (In turn, this helps us understanding what we need to overcome to do something).

Eighth Grade:  Students focused on the importance of resiliency when it comes to facing difficulties in life through our Super bowl heroes.  

Super Bowl 50 And Lessons Of Resiliency For Our Teens

 Those of you who have been reading my blog for years know that when the Super bowl is on in my house, I am usually also doing work on my computer, and keeping an ear open for a “writable moment” for my next column.

The first writable moment came in the form of Michael Oher. Although his team did not win the Super bowl, he had a winning life story, as portrayed in the 2009 movie The Blind Side. Oher was one of 12 children being raised by a drug addicted mother and was struggling in school. He was in and out of foster homes, and his father was murdered while he was in high school. Oher was adopted by Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy when he was 16. He improved his academics and become a star football player, later to be drafted by the Baltimore Ravens, and most recently by the Carolina Panthers who made it to the Super bowl.

The life story of Michael Oher served as an inspiration to many. His mother shared, the lesson to be gleaned form Oher's life is, “Don’t count people out.” But, she stressed that this lesson is not just one from his early life, but from as recently as last season. “Last season the NFL pro wasn’t in a good place. After a toe injury caused him to miss a few games for the Tennessee Titans, he was released from the team last February. The following month he got a break when the Panthers signed him to a two-year contract.”  Tuohy reflected, “...so many people counted Michael out last year and here is a life lesson for everyone: Don’t count people out. When people are determined and they work hard, you don’t know what can happen. Here’s a kid who didn’t listen to what people said about him. He kept working. He kept focused, and he kept doing the right thing.” 

Oher did not listen to what others said about him. He didn't listen to the voices around him. Instead he listened to the voices inside himself. What voices? Those of the voices that lead to resiliency, as we discuss with our seventh graders in Advisory, otherwise known as “positive self-talk.” When facing difficulties in life, we conjure up “upbeat thinking.” Positive self-talk. We tell the students that it is exactly what it sounds like - talking to yourself. It is telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself. As Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.”

But, often, we fall into the trap of negative thinking. Some common types of negative thinking are:

• Catastrophizing: Everything bad is a horrible disaster. (Is it really that bad?)
• Expecting the Worst: This makes you more anxious. What if people don’t like me? What if I fail my test? What if I forget everything I studied? (What are the chances of that really happening?)
• “Should”s Always saying to yourself, “It should be this way.” “It must be this way.” “I should have done it that way.” (Who says things have to be a certain way?)
• Thinking in Absolutes: Saying things like, “I’ll never get it right.” You exaggerate reality.
• Blaming- Trying to blame yourself and even sometimes others. (Stop blaming and look for solutions!)
• Yes...but- When you get advice or hear a possible solution you don’t really give it a chance.
• Focusing only on the problems: You dwell on the problems without thinking about how to solve it.
• Negative labels: You label either others or yourself. For example, “She’s stupid.”

Students learn that when faced with difficulty or any type of stress in life they can modify that “self-talk” which helps them succeed. They can make positive coping statements before, during and after a stressful situation. For example, the student is doing an oral report on the Revolutionary War and is very nervous.

- Positive self-talk/coping statements before the situation:

I’ve researched a lot about the Revolutionary War and I can share that knowledge

- Positive self-talk/coping statements during the situation:

I’m doing my best- that’s all anyone can ask.

-Positive self-talk/coping statements after the situation:

I handled that situation pretty well.

Michael Oher had the ability to counteract the negative thinking that permeated his neighborhood and family, and modified his self-talk to reach success.

Scott Abel, in his article The Lessons of Peyton Manning, highlights a similar idea. Manning, another Super bowl player coming to the end of his career, taught us, “Don't practice stinkin' thinkin'” “Manning had setbacks. Like his mistakes, some were minor and some were major. Manning missed all of the 2011 season. He had not one, not two, not three, but four separate neck surgeries that took him out of the game. There were questions about whether he could ever play at that level again.

When you suffer a setback in diet or training, do you just give up and say 'This isn't for me,' or 'I'm never going through this again.' That's a defeatist, stinkin' thinkin' attitude. Four neck surgeries couldn't keep Peyton from coming back better than ever.”

On the other hand, Cam Newton of the Panthers stormed out of the post-game interview dejected by the loss. “Before abruptly standing up and walking away from the podium, Newton dodged reporters’ questions, saying nothing was memorable about the game. He offered only short answers to questions, repeating that Carolina was simply outplayed.  'They just played better than us. I don’t know what you want me to say. They made better plays than us, and that’s what it came down to. We had our opportunities, it wasn’t anything special that we did.'” I suppose we'd all be upset in the same situation, but hopefully he returned to his hotel and began practicing some upbeat thinking and positive self-talk. As we say in Advisory, “After a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship.”

This past week, as we participated in Sharsheret Pink Day, our students became a link in the chain, (Sharsheret meaning chain), of hope. We chose to have our students participate to support this wonderful cause, but to also pay tribute to all the strong women and their families who remain hopeful in the face in life's difficulties.

As we tell our students, we hope they will never have to face that level of difficulty. But, when it comes to everyday stress, setbacks and disappointments, they know the secret to a Super bowl level of resiliency.

Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade:  Students engaged in a lesson on how to work in pairs and cooperative groups when things get challenging, as they are involved in Science Fair preparation. 
Seventh Grade:  Students focused on positive self-talk and affirmations.
Eighth Grade:  Students discussed the effect of the media using the Super bowl commercials as a springboard for discussion. 

Winning The Daily Wake-Up War

 The good news is that I am a morning person. The bad news is that our teenagers are not! (Although, I guess it could be worse. At least I was gifted with being a morning person. Without my waking the house, no one would ever be on time!) I think I speak for most parents of teens when I say that I often leave the house exhausted and frustrated after the daily morning wake-up battle. Another piece of good news is- this is happening in many households. (That's one plus of being a school psychologist- I get to hear about how other parents are equally frustrated and I am not alone!) My children are otherwise wonderful and pleasant, but mornings are not their best time of day.

It is helpful to keep in mind that their resistance is not entirely with malicious intent. Teens need an average of nine hours of sleep, but biological patterns make it difficult for them to fall asleep before 11:00. Some teens actually get their second wind at around 10:00. Thus, the morning battle.

In a Frontline documentary “Inside the Teenage Brain,” (highly recommended!), they focused on research on teens and sleep. Researches found an internal biological clock that actually acts against the sleep-wake cycle which keeps teens awake when they should be feeling tired. After 12 hours of being awake, subjects ages 10-12 were actually less sleepy than they had been earlier in the same day. After 10:00, after more than fourteen hours of wakefulness had elapsed, they were even less sleepy. The teen's internal clock helps them stay alert at night when they should have been falling asleep, creating a “forbidden zone” for sleep around 9:00 or 10:00 pm. And, this same biological clock for us parents makes it hard for us to stay awake just when our teens are most alert.

By studying alertness, they also determined that “teens, far from needing less sleep, actually needed as much or more sleep than they had gotten as children -- nine and a quarter hours. Most teenagers weren't getting nearly enough -- an hour and a half less sleep than they needed to be alert. And the drowsiness wasn't only in the early morning. Teens had a kind of sleep trough in the mid-afternoon and then perked up at night, even though they hadn't had a nap.”

However, this is the reality with which are faced. Dr. James Lehman tells parents that step number one to alleviating this morning stress is for parents to “stop working so hard.” We take responsibility for getting them up in the morning. We are working so hard, so why should they? Why should they wake up if you are willing to do it for them? “You are substituting your extra energy and effort for your child's.” The key is giving them the responsibility for waking up.

New ground rules need to be established. Have a discussion with your child one evening about making a different plan. It is important to remember that a half-asleep adolescent is not capable of having a conversation with you in the morning. Keep the talk in the morning to a minimum, and the real conversation should happen when you are not rushing and when he is alert. For example, “From now on I will wake you twice. Then, after that, you are responsible. If you miss the bus, I will not drive you. You will miss school that day and will need to explain why you were out.” I've had parents tell children that they will have to take a car service to school and pay for it with their own money. This might sound harsh, and may not work for all families, but after a few days, they will realize you are not going to wake up for them. Likewise, if there are consequences in school, you will not bail them out.

Teens might need your help in figuring out how to get out of bed in the morning. Help them come up with some ideas. If you have a conversation with them about what is standing in their way and you help them problem solve, they will view you as trying to help them. For example, placing the alarm clock at the other end of the room so they need to get out of bed. Or making sure they pack themselves up the night before. Or, all phones charge in mom and dad's room after 9:00 pm.

You can also attempt to “wake up his brain” in the morning by loud music, nourishment or even a cute youtube video. Fuel his brain, but don't fuel the drama. We need to remind ourselves not to take the behavior personally, and stay calm.

Additionally, the natural consequences of not waking up in the morning on time, is an earlier bedtime. They can earn back their later bedtime once they can prove that they can be on time. The annoyance of having to go to bed earlier might be the incentive needed to wake up in the morning.

I have been trying some of the above advice, and it is working slowly. Until we have entirely eliminated the battles, my kids know not to talk to Mommy after 10:00 pm, as I am not a night person. And, I know not to talk to them in the morning. More good news- there are only ten more days until winter break, when we can let them sleep a little later and there's no rush to make the bus!

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade- Students set goals for the next trimester for each class based on last trimester's performance.

Seventh Grade- Students focused on resiliency and the the components which make one resilient.

Eighth Grade- Cheating in school is a topic that creates additional pressure for our teens. Students began discussing how cheating plays into a Yeshiva setting- or does it?

New Year's Resolutions That Work

January 1^st is a day that many pledge their New Year’s resolutions. There is a website we use with our 8^th graders in Advisory at the beginning of the year called futureme.org at https://www.futureme.org/.  There you can write an e-mail to yourself and set it so it arrives at your inbox at the date of your choosing. We ask our 8^th graders to set yearly goals and then have an e-mail arrive the day before graduation containing the goals, so they can see if they have achieved their goals.  This website is a great tool for setting “resolutions” or commitments that we make to ourselves. 

 According to Statistic Brain forecasts, 45% of people make resolutions this time of year, and only 8% keep them.  In considering why so many have such a difficult time sticking to resolutions they make, a piece written by  Rav Kalonymus Kalman Shapira, z”l- the Piaseczno Rebbe, struck me as I read it an article called, “Wishes Are Not Resolutions” by Rabbi Efrem Goldberg, (whom I believe is a Yavneh graduate).  Rav Shapira was a rabbi in the Warsaw Ghetto who was later murdered by the Nazis in the Trawinki labor camp.

Rabbi Goldberg quotes from Rav Shapira’s “spiritual diary” called Tzav V’Ziruz where he has the following entry:

“If you want to know if you you’ve progressed on your spiritual path over the years, the way to judge is to look at your resolution – at your inner drive – and not at your wishes. Only the inner drive with which you work to attain your desired goal is called resolution. But if you don’t work but rather just want, this is not called resolution. It is just some wish that you wish for yourself to be blessed with that desired objective. For example, the pauper who works to sustain himself, this is a drive, because he is doing something constructive toward it. But the wish that he’ll find a million dollars is just a wish to be rich and not a resolution. Every Jew would like to be a tzadik (righteous person), but this is no more than a wish; he’d like to wake up in the morning and suddenly find himself a tzadik. Only the level and state of being that you seriously work toward can truly be called a resolution.”

There is a difference between a wish and a resolution.  “We claim to want to do them, but the truth is they are just wishes. We wish to wake up one morning, as the Rebbe said, and find ourselves suddenly doing those things or living that way. Stop wishing and to start making real resolutions. Personal growth is the result of making a plan, spelling it out and holding ourselves accountable to keeping to it.” Resolutions also take effort and require hard work. Wishes are magical- wishing upon a star, birthday wishes etc.  

Rabbi Goldberg suggests that if you make resolution, create a plan and then set it as a reminder on your phone (one suggestion).  Futureme.org- is another good suggestion.  I wish you good luck…no- that doesn’t sound right- wishing has nothing to do with it. I join you in supporting your resolution for a practical plan for change.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders discussed how they think they did in their classes this past trimester- before receiving their report cards, and how to have conversations with their parents about their grades.

Seventh Grade:  Students began to discuss resiliency as they began a new unit “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity In Life.”

Eighth Grade:  Students wrote an “instruction manual” for themselves for their parents- this is what they would want their parents to know about them and what “makes them tick.”

Report Card Conversations With Your Child

         In the next days, the first trimester report card will come out.  More important than the grades on the report card are the three conversations that will be had about this report card.  Three?

Conversation #1:  YOUR CHILD’S CONVERSATION WITH YOU
         First, is the conversation that your child will initiate with you.  “What?” you might say.  One might imagine that most children would avoid having that conversation with their parents.   In sixth grade Advisory we stress how parents appreciate when students are upfront and honest with them about their report cards, even before their parents see them.  (Most students have a sense of what their grades on the report cards will be even before they are out.  But, we do find that there are some students, despite seeing their grades all trimester, who are still clueless about their grades. We therefore also do an activity in Advisory where the students need to predict their grades before they see them.  We then see how accurate they truly were. If they were not accurate- why is that? What are they missing? ) The same with specific grades on tests and assignments- it is always a good idea to share your grades with your parents before they find out.  Why?  It sends the message to parents that we are not trying to avoid, hide or dodge anything. Rather, we want to partner with them to do better.

    This approach creates a non-combative atmosphere where parents and children are there to help each other.
We then actually role play with them the best way to speak to their parents.  Here are two scenarios we act out with them:


Parents Surprised By The Report Card:
Narrator:  Mrs.  Gold just received Joey’s report card. He got a C in Math and a D in Gemara.
Parent: Joey! Come in here right now!!!
Joey:   What (innocently)?
Parent:  (Angrily) Why didn’t you tell me you got a C in Math and a D in Gemara?  If you would have told me, I could have helped you!! Now, what should we do?!


Students Telling Their Parents Before Report Cards Arrive:
Narrator:  The report cards are being posted on Thursday.  Tuesday, Joey comes home and says to his parents at the dinner table…
Joey: Mom, Dad, can we talk after dinner?
Mom: Sure, honey.
Dad: No problem.
Narrator: Dinner ends and they all meet.
Dad: What’s wrong Joey?
Joey:  Well… it seems that I did not realize how poorly I was doing in Math and Gemara. I got a C in Math and a D in  Gemara!
Mom: Why do you think that happened?
Joey:  Well, I was absent for a week, and then I thought I was caught up in Math and I really did not.  And, in Gemara, I guess I was a bit lazy and did not realize how much work it was.  I won’t make that mistake again.  I have a plan of what I can differently next time.  Like, maybe I’ll review my notes each night. Or not study in front of the TV.
Dad: Well, I’m glad to see you have thought this through.  Let’s sit together to figure out a solution.

           Yes, clearly this might not be real life- except in the Brady Bunch, but our goal is to show students that it’s in their best interest to be honest and to make a plan.  We want them to show their parents that they are responsible enough to make changes.

Conversation #2- THE CONVERSATION YOU HAVE WITH YOUR CHILD:
          Then there is the conversation that we the parents have with our children after we see the report cards. Those conversations can make or break the next trimester and the tone of the relationships we have with our children.  A video was making its way around Teaneck Shuls,  (thank you to Mrs. Keren Nussbaum for forwarding it to me), called “How To Talk To Your Kids About Grades Without Stress Or Conflict,” presented by Joshua Wayne.  He highlights three basic goals for the conversation you are having with your child about his/her grades:
1. The grades conversation should always be a positive one.
2. The goal of the conversation is to build rapport and their buy-in.
3. The conversation should involve setting goals so the participants feel it is going in the right direction.  Our goal is minimize the stress and tension when it comes to discussing grades as it can weaken your relationship, hurt their academic performance and power struggles can cause them to “use grades to get back at you.”


So, what are some of the things we can do to minimize the stress and power struggles?
a. Stay calm- you are modeling for your child, and you are more prone to say things you don’t regret when you are calm.
b. Know your end game- Is it about getting all A’s or about his showing maximum effort and trying his best?
c. Keep it light.
d. Timing- Pick the right time when your teen is “available.”
e. Ask good questions- be in the “listening mode” not the “lecturing mode.” Some examples Mr. Wayne gives are, instead of saying “I think you could have done better,” say “How do you feel about your grades?” Or, instead of saying “I was expecting more A’s” say, “What were you hoping your grades would be like?” Another good one he mentions is, instead of saying “You spent too much time playing video games,” say, “On a scale of 1-10 how much have you applied yourself this trimester?”
f. Setting goals and making agreements- Ask her, “What do you want to see happen next trimester?”  How does she plan on doing it? This is where you help her set S.M.A.R.T. goals.  (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, Time Bound).
g. Be mindful of rewards and punishments- incentives are helpful for many students. Let us just be careful not to get into a situation where we “pay for grades.”

Conversation #3- THE CONVERSATIONS YOUR CHILDREN’S TEACHERS HAVE
Rabbi Dovid Rosman, in his article, “Using The Power Of The Pencil To Recognize And Reach Potential”  tells the story of his 10 year old daughter’s report card.  He notes that the grades were all fine except for a grade in “Organization” in which she got an A minus, (still an amazing grade in my book!).  But, he noticed that the minus was written in pencil. “Look Abba, my teacher wrote the minus in pencil. She told me that she knows that really I can be much neater and that if I improve over the next half of the year she’ll erase the minus.”  Rabbi Rosman was floored as he felt this was a clever motivation technique-for the teacher to show the child that “you believe that their essence is greater…Instead of my daughter feeling badly or down for being disorganized, she was excited about the opportunity to show her teacher her ‘real’ self.”

          As teachers, we often discuss the important conversations we have with the students- which do not wait for the report cards, but happen all along the trimester.  These conversations are absolutely about the fact that all grades are in pencil- nothing is permanent.  The teacher is available for the student for any help that is needed, and provides guidance along the way.  Please do encourage your child, as I do the students who come to me worried about a class or a grade, to have a conversation with their teachers. What can I do to improve?  The specific feedback students get from these conversations are essential.  How can I better prepare for your exams or assignments?  These are the aspects of the class that worry me. This is what you, the teacher, can do to help.  If your child is uncomfortable reaching out to a teacher to request such a conversation, please feel free to ask the teacher to meet with your child.

           The report card is meant to be a guide for your student and for you to monitor progress and to set goals.  It is also meant to be a springboard for the important conversations- for both the succeeding student, (it’s wonderful to be recognized for one’s achievements), and for the not yet succeeding student.

Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began a unit on Time Management.  Much of the stress we feel in school is related to poor time management.
Seventh Grade- Seventh graders had a “Quality Circle”  where they discussed how we are doing in the middle school in terms of creating an atmosphere where everyone feels respected and accepted.
Eighth Grade- Continuing our Parent- Child relationships unit, students discussed what would happen if we actually switched places with our parents- would we understand them better and vice versa?

May The Force Be With You- Life Lessons

Star Wars- The Force Awakens, the long awaited sequel has arrived. Daniel Perez, in his article, “From Jedism to Judaism: Star Wars as Jewish Allegory,” points out some of the unusual parallels to Judaism found in the the Star Wars movies. Jedi sounds suspiciously similar to Judah- Yehudi. And Yoda- the great rebbe of Luke Skywalker- sounds like “yada”- to know. He continues to point out how Aniken went “off the derech.” But, then in Return of the Jedi, Darth Vader does Teshuva (he returns). Then, of course, there is the Force. According to Obi Wan Kenobi, “it is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.” The Force is, clearly, G-d who surrounds us and can be found in all living things. Perez also highlights the Dark Side and the Light found in Star Wars. This clearly depicts the Yetzer HaTov and Yetzer HaRa. And, the source of the light and darkness in Judaism is the same- “Lord, Our G-d, King of the Universe, Who forms light and creates darkness” (Yeshayahu 45:7).

How can we help our teens live lives of the Force? (Okay, maybe this is going a bit too far). In the past two weeks, I've been involved in coordinating two events to help our students find the Force within themselves.

First, our mock bar/bat mitzvah for our sixth graders. Then, later that week, our visit to the homeless shelter in Hackensack, with our seventh graders. Each event contained life lessons that would have made Reb Yoda proud. (Yes, I know he is not in the new movie!) To demonstrate, I will utilize some famous Yoda quotes.

As you might have heard, each year we invite our sixth graders to a mock bar/bat mitzvah celebration as a culmination to lessons we do on bar/bat mitzvah etiquette. They are thereby able to practice that which we had learned in Advisory. They receive invitations the day before the event, and a re told that we at Yavneh are sponsoring a celebration for a boy and a girl. I play the bat mitzvah girl- although they typically don't figure that out until the program begins. The highlight is my wearing my bat mitzvah dress- which brings to mind my first Yoda quote, “When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not.”

The day has a number of goals:

1. “Patience you must have, my young padawan”- keriat haTorah, speeches, courses, waiting on line for food- all demand patience. We encourage students to imagine themselves at their big day. Wouldn't they like that attention and focus?
2. “You must unlearn what you have learned.” At times we pick up inappropriate behaviors from our friends. Our goal is to help them relearn appropriate behavior.
3. “Control, control, you must learn control.”- It is tempting to take out that phone and text throughout the divrei Torah. That is where self- control comes in.

For our seventh graders, the inspirational culmination of the Respect and Empathy unit in Advisory is their visit to the homeless shelter. We spend over a month preparing for this visit, learning the roots of poverty in the United States today, and its impact on our Bergen County community. We also spend time learning and practicing the skills of empathy. Students spearheaded the campaign to collect hats, gloves and scarves. They are trained as to how to converse with the residents before we go. This year, Mr. Steiner led the students in song, as they sang “One Day” along with the residents. It was wonderful to see the students focus on giving and not only receiving during Chanukah.

What are the Yoda goals for this endeavor?

1. “Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm. Hmm. And, well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.” Our theme of 7^th grade Advisory is “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.” We stress with them that even teens can change the world- or at least their corner of it. It does not matter that they are “just kids.” They clearly saw the impact they made on the residents during that visit.
   This quote can also be seen as a declaration not to judge a book by its cover. We spent some time in Advisory speaking with the students about how we often rush to judgment about the homeless when we see them. Often, those judgments are unfair. How often do we do that to each other?
2. “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.” We are powerful. We each have light within us- tzelem elokim- a piece of G-d within us. And, so we can truly make a difference as we are made of greatness. Additionally, every person has that neshama- no matter who, and no matter where life's circumstances has led him. Each person deserves our respect and attention. Students interacted with the residents, looked into their eyes, and gave each one respect as they conversed with them on equal footing.
3. “Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.” Through learning about the financial struggles of others- even those in their own community with real life struggles- we hope students came to think about the futility in mere objects. Especially during Chanukah, when students receive so many material goods, we want them to think about what really counts in life and to appreciate all they have. One question students often ask is, “If the person is out of a job or struggling financially, why doesn't he go live with his family to help him out?” We often take for granted that we have family or that the Jewish community is like a family.

Just because I can't resist, here are a few last “Yodaisms” which I think are good lessons for our teens.

“No! Try not! Do, or do not. There is no try.” Put your all into everything you do. Don't attempt something half-way.

“If no mistake have you made, yet losing you are, a different game you should play.” Sometimes we need to reinvent ourselves and rethink our plan to solve a problem.

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” Identify what's standing in your way. Only then can you overcome it.

“Luke: I can't believe it. Yoda: That is why you fail.” Never stop believing- in yourself, in others and of course, in G-d. (Or as Yoda would have called it, the Force).

May the force be with you and your teens.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Students finished up the “Hey Dude, That's Rude” unit by focusing on behaviors that help students get along with teachers.

Seventh Grade- Students spent time focusing on scenarios based on real-life situations which stress how expensive it is to live in an Orthodox community today.

Eighth Grade- Students began exploring- what would happen if parents and teens actually switched for the day? Would we understand each other better?