Sukkot, Shemitah and Covid- Teachable Moments

 

As we are about to  celebrate Chag HaSukkot in the shemitah year and during the continuing  covid-19 pandemic, I cannot help but notice the common “teachable moments” for us as parents that are present in all three events.  

 The reason for Sukkot, as noted in  ויקרא כג:מג

מגלְמַ֘עַן֘ יֵֽדְע֣וּ דֹרֹֽתֵיכֶם֒ כִּ֣י בַסֻּכּ֗וֹת הוֹשַׁ֨בְתִּי֙ אֶת־בְּנֵ֣י יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל בְּהֽוֹצִיאִ֥י אוֹתָ֖ם מֵאֶ֣רֶץ מִצְרָ֑יִם אֲנִ֖י ה' 

אֱלֹֽקיכֶֽם:

In order that your [ensuing] generations should know that I had the children of Israel live in booths when I took them out of the land of Egypt. I am the Lord, your God.

But the Jewish people were living in sukkot for 40 years ! Why say specifically בְּהֽוֹצִיאִ֥י אוֹתָ֖ם מֵאֶ֣רֶץ מִצְרָ֑יִם- when they left Egypt? How about saying, “I had them live in booths for forty years in the desert?”  Rabbi David Fohrman notes that if you look carefully the pasuk is telling us to pay attention to a specific סוכות  - סוכות that specifically happened when they left Egypt, as noted in שמות יב:לז

לזוַיִּסְע֧וּ בְנֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֛ל מֵֽרַעְמְסֵ֖ס סֻכֹּ֑תָה כְּשֵֽׁשׁ־מֵא֨וֹת אֶ֧לֶף רַגְלִ֛י הַגְּבָרִ֖ים לְבַד מִטָּֽף

The children of Israel journeyed from Rameses to Succoth, about six hundred thousand on foot, the men, besides the young children.

It is no coincidence that the first place they camped when they left Egypt was called Sukkot. (Which was called such as it says in בראשית לג: יז because Yaakov built sukkot- animal pens-  there for his animals). The pasuk in Vayikra is telling us that this Yomtov celebrates something that particularly happened in that place called Sukkot which happened “when I took them out of the land of Egypt.”  Somehow, what occurred in that first encampment is celebrated on Chag HaSukkot.   

Rabbi Fohrman continues and points out that a few pesukim later in פסוק מ the Torah tells us a fact we already know: 

מוּמוֹשַׁב֙ בְּנֵ֣י יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל אֲשֶׁ֥ר יָֽשְׁב֖וּ בְּמִצְרָ֑יִם שְׁלשִׁ֣ים שָׁנָ֔ה וְאַרְבַּ֥ע מֵא֖וֹת שָׁנָֽה:

And the habitation of the children of Israel, that they dwelled in Egypt, was four hundred and thirty years.

        Why tell us that now? The purpose is to show the contrast. In Egypt-  יָֽשְׁב֖וּ- they were settled in permanent homes. When they left Egypt they went to סוכות- flimsy huts. Not only were they no longer in true homes, but they had no real food. 

      

           As Rabbi Fohrman aptly notes, 

“‘The text that tells us of the journey to Sukkot emphasizes the tentative nature of the journey by telling us: וְגַם-צֵדָה, לֹא-עָשׂוּ לָהֶם – they hadn't even packed provisions for the journey. So there they were that first night, sleeping under the stars, in the ridiculous cattle pens they set up for these animals; there they were, eating their last morsel of half-baked bread realizing, with stunning clarity, that there was no more where that came from – there they were, for the first time, utterly and totally in God's embrace.’They then made the choice to trust that Hashem would take care of all their basic needs.  They left everything that could be taken for granted behind, and believed Hashem would take care of them.”  

And, that is what Yirmiyahu meant in ב:ב:

 זָכַ֚רְתִּי לָךְ֙ חֶ֣סֶד נְעוּרַ֔יִךְ אַֽהֲבַ֖ת כְּלוּלֹתָ֑יִךְ לֶכְתֵּ֚ךְ אַֽחֲרַי֙ בַּמִּדְבָּ֔ר בְּאֶ֖רֶץ לֹ֥א זְרוּעָֽה

So said the Lord: I remember to you the lovingkindness of your youth, the love of your nuptials, your following Me in the desert, in a land not sown.

At that night we told Hashem that we trusted Him.   And, so on Sukkot we leave our permanent homes today for more flimsy ones to remind ourselves that we are reliant on Hashem as well. And,  specifically at the time of year when we gather our crops to remind us all our accomplishments in life are from Hashem. He will always take care of us. 

Rabbi Jonathan Zacks, zl, notes that it is truly “remarkable” that in the flimsy, uncertain sukkot the Jews can still have simcha: 

What is truly remarkable is that it is called, by tradition, zeman simchatenu, “our time of joy.” That to me is the wonder at the heart of the Jewish experience: that Jews throughout the ages were able to experience risk and uncertainty at every level of their existence and yet – while they sat betzila de-mehemnuta, “under the shadow of faith” (this is the Zohar’s description of the sukkah: Zohar, Emor, 103a) – they were able to rejoice. That is spiritual courage of a high order. I have often argued that faith is not certainty: faith is the courage to live with uncertainty. That is what Sukkot represents if what we celebrate is sukkot mammash, not the clouds of glory but the vulnerability of actual huts, open to the wind, the rain and the cold.

That is why Sukkot is called זמן שמחתינו- that simcha comes from realizing we will always be taken care of by Hashem and  from the inner peace that all will be well at the end. 

 

When we leave our homes to live in a “shack”  we also are tapping into another source of happiness -the  ability to stop and appreciate what we have. When we leave our homes to live in a “shack” we stop and are מכיר טוב and appreciate that which we have all year long. להכיר- first one needs to recognize the small things each day that we take for granted 

Psychologist Dr. Tal Ben Shahar in his article "Appreciate The Good" writes, 

The word appreciate has two meanings. The first is to be thankful—the opposite of taking something for granted—and the second is to increase in value, the way we say that assets appreciate when their value rises. When it comes to the role that appreciation plays in our life, both these meanings are relevant. Psychological research has repeatedly shown that when we are thankful for the good in our life, the good grows and we have more of it. The opposite, sadly, is also true: When we fail to appreciate the good, when we take it for granted, the good depreciates. 

Dr. Ben Shachar continues and quotes a research study by psychologists Robert Emmons and Michale McCullough where subjects were asked to write down each day five things for which they were grateful-  which could include trivial things as well.  This group, compared to the control group, were not only more appreciative, 

“but also enjoyed higher levels of well-being and positive emotions: These individuals felt happier, more determined, more energetic, and more optimistic. They were also more generous and more likely to offer support to others. Finally, those who expressed gratitude also slept better, exercised more, and experienced fewer symptoms of physical illness.When you think of all you can be grateful for, when you take stock, you feel better. When you feel better, you become more open to—and are more likely to notice and pursue—positive experiences. You then have more to be grateful for, which in turn improves the quality of your life, and so on. You can begin this positive spiral of happiness at any moment by choosing to reflect on the things for which you are grateful.”

Dr. Ben Shahar suggests keeping a gratitude journal and writing down five things each day before you go to bed, or at least notice good things in your life as you go through your day to increase happiness. 

Shemitah relays the same messages as Sukkot. 

 First, when the farmer leaves his land for one year he stresses that Hashem is in charge, as the Sefer HaChinuch Mitzvah 84 states the reasons for shemitah, which sound very similar to the reasons for Sukkot. 

1. All comes from Hashem. You need to stop and appreciate that without Him you would have nothing- to be grateful.  

2. And, second, it reinforces emunah- that for the shemitah year you cannot actively grow your crops, but you must have faith that Hashem will provide and take care of you. 

Covid has reinforced the lessons of Sukkot and shemitah.  This importance of appreciating the good  is one lesson covid has taught us.  We suddenly appreciated the small things like going to shul, school, seeing our grandparents… Covid also has taught us that all we can count on is Hashem’s protection,  and we can only rely on Him even or especially in times of uncertainty. 

Just like with shemitah, covid forced many of us to stop work for a year and retreat from our regular lives. Sukkot, Shemittah and corona have taught us that there is a limit to what man can accomplish. We need Hashem for all the success we have in life. Everything is in His hands. 

Shemitah also forces us, as did covid, to slow down from our normal hectic pace of life to evaluate and identify what is truly important. 

These are the teachable emunah moments that we can share with our children as we leave our homes to live in sukkahs,  tell them about the shemitah year, and discuss all that we have gone and are still going through during covid.  

We know the plethora of psychological research substantiating the impact of belief in G-d and religion on lowering anxiety.  79% of studies in a 2015 review by Duke University of 3,000 research studies investigating the relationship between religion and psychological well-being showed a link between religion and psychological well-being. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” Studies indicate that people who believe in G-d and pray to Him actually get healthier more quickly, can tolerate pain and difficulty better, have more positive attitudes, are more persistent,  and are even happier. Higher  levels of “religiosity” are overall associated with better mental health.

 For those of you who have been reading my column for some time you know that I constantly stress at every opportunity I get (and will continue to do so!) that our children need this emunah more than ever during these challenging times in which we are living.  As adults, many of us have been able to access  faith to carry us through this difficult covid time to combat the fear, anxiety and uncertainty that we have faced these past months.  But how about our children?   Have we done a good job strengthening that emunah so that when they are confronted by a challenge- whether physical (or medical), or psychological they are able to lower that fear as they KNOW that Hashem is there for them?  The best way to do so is by talking about it with them at any chance we get.  We need to look for those moments that are “teachable” opportunities to point out belief in G-d. 

The beliefs that all is בידי שמים and that Hashem is overseeing and orchestrating all have carried us through this covid-19 pandemic. May this Sukkot of the shemitah year be a source of strength for our children as well. 

Rethinking and Teshuva

            One aspect that I love about being in education is that in order to teach one needs to constantly learn. I am,  therefore,  constantly learning. At the end of the year as a thank you gift, I give our Advisors a book that relates to the social/emotional/spiritual growth of their students or themselves- so that they can continue learning. And, Rabbi Knapp does the same with our administration. He often finds a book that particularly speaks to him and encourages us all to read it as well.  This year Rabbi Knapp recommended the book Think Again by Adam Grant. 

There are so many elements of this book that I can apply to my life as parent, wife, child, psychologist and teacher.  But, as I read this book in the past few weeks it hit me as to how perfectly it relates to teshuva and parenting.  As we approach Yom Kippur, rethinking is a crucial component of teshuva.  Grant stresses the importance of rethinking and unlearning. 

He quotes a research study in his prologue which struck me as an educator.  ¾ of people taking a multiple choice exam will hesitate to change their answers because they believe it will hurt their scores.  In actuality, 33 studies have indicated that the majority of those who change their answers actually change them from wrong to right. This is called the first-instinct fallacy.   Those who rethink their answers actually do better.   We by nature resist rethinking. 

Why is that the case? Grant states:

1. Cognitive laziness- it’s easier to hold on to old ideas that face the stress of dealing with new ones. 

2. Questioning what we once believed makes the world unpredictable. 

3. Rethinking something we believed to be true “can threaten our identities, making it feel as if we’re losing a  part of ourselves.” 

Mental flexibility is required for rethinking.  We need to be able to question assumptions that we have always had. Mental flexibility is also needed for teshuva.

Why is teshuva so difficult to do? Why is it so hard to change? Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a”h, in his article “Why Is it So Hard To Change? The Six Obstacles To Teshuvah” speaks of some of the psychological defenses that make it difficult to change.  Some of them relate to Dr. Grant’s rethinking. 

The first  is denial-  We are creatures of habit, and we are comfortable when we can do things without the need to exert much effort. Change is uncomfortable, and in order to avoid this discomfort, our minds block out those realizations that would call for change. The natural state of all matter—including human beings—is inertia, but one must force himself to overcome inertia in order to grow and change….One of the axioms of human behavior is that a person will always choose to do that which is most comfortable for him.

It is uncomfortable to rethink.  So, denial prevents us from doing so.  Denial allows the status quo to remain.

But, if denial does not work, we may resort to rationalization.  Instead of entertaining other logical options or reasons,  (which we do in rethinking), we justify our own actions in which we have been engaged for years by giving “logical-sounding reasons” for them. 

Another manner in which we avoid rethinking is through a defense mechanism called habituation.  Habituation lulls us into believing that since we have behaved this way for so long it is permissible.  Once we are habituated into the mode of doing  a certain behavior, there is no room for rethinking.

Dr. Twerski then speaks about projection.   The defense mechanism of projection turns things around: I did not offend him. He offended me. He should really be apologizing to me.  Again, the ability to rethink allows the sinner to consider the  view of the other person in the situation. The ability to do so is essential when it comes to asking forgiveness- the way to do teshuva for mitzvot bein adam l’chaveiro.   

Trivializing is another defense mechanism used in sin. “It’s not so important that I do xyz mitzvah! No big deal!”   Again, rethinking...perhaps this act is more important than I always thought. 

Along with all of the above, the ego often stands in the way of rethinking one’s actions and teshuva.   One must humble oneself to admit that one needs to rethink one’s behavior. Grant notes “recognizing our shortcomings opens to the door to doubt.” He adds  that the more intelligent a person is, the harder it is for him/her to see his/her “limitations.”  "The power of knowing what you don't know" is the subtitle of Grant's book. Often we think we know it all and one clearly cannot change and improve oneself if one thinks one is all- knowing and is sure of everything.

So, how does one achieve rethinking? Grant says that it involves thinking like a scientist. As a scientist  “You’re  paid to be constantly aware of the limits of your understanding.  You’re expected to doubt what you know, be curious about what you don’t know and update your views based on new data...being a scientist is not just a profession. It’s a frame of mind…”

Another psychological phenomenon which may stand in the way of teshuva, highlighted by Grant as standing in the way of rethinking, is “desirability bias”- seeing what we want to see. “Thinking like a scientist...it involves searching for reasons why we might be wrong…”  

Thinking like a scientist is needed for teshuva. (At another time, I will discuss how this type of thinking can be helpful in parenting. It allows for us to rethink some of our assumptions about our parenting, and can help us help our children achieve change as well).  During these Aseret Yimei Teshuva we are given the opportunity to rethink all we have done in the past year.  The Rambam in Hilchot Teshuva 5:2 quotes a pasuk from Eicha 3:40:  "נַחְפְּשָׂ֤ה דְרָכֵ֨ינוּ֙ וְֽנַחְקֹ֔רָה וְנָשׁ֖וּבָה עַד־ה” Let us search and examine our ways, and let us return to the Lord.   Rethinking is just that- searching and examining our ways and our thoughts,  and unlearning what we have previously thought until we achieve teshuva.  

Advisory Update:

Due to Rosh Hashana and Tzom Gedaliah there was no Advisory this week.

A New Year Of Optimism...Masks And All

         This week we embark on two new beginnings- the beginning of a new school year and the beginning of 5782.  As we start anew, it is human nature to consider where we were last year at this time.  While we were hoping for a maskless opening to the year, we do recognize how far we have come with vaccinations, back in the lunchroom, and the ability to move from classroom to classroom again.  No more plexiglass and no more drive-by bar mitzvahs.  We have come far, although we may not be there yet.  (In fact, a few days ago, I took out my Shana Tova mask.  I distinctly remember washing it after last year Rosh Hashana and thinking- should I save it for next year?!) 

We might contemplate the same when it comes to our spiritual growth since last Rosh Hashana.  Remember all the resolutions we made to focus on an area that needs improvement?  While we were hoping for a complete turnaround, we need to also admit that we have made some strides. We have come far, although we may not be there yet. 

Dr. David Pelcovitz gave a parent workshop last week on “Another September With Covid-19: Helping Our Children and Teens Thrive Through School and Challenges.”   Dr. Pelcovitz acknowledged the frustration our children (and teachers!)  might feel after a summer of freedom in camp and a return to the masks in school.  Dr. Pelcovitz stated that study after study indicates that the greatest predictor of how well children did during covid was how well the parents were functioning.  As parents, he stressed, we need to model optimism for our children.  Verbal and non-verbal optimism where we focus on the positive ( you can all switch classrooms again!)  and avoid negativity (uch...those horrible masks again!) must come from us- the adults in their lives.  We must remember to validate what they are going through, but try to show them the bright side. 

Dr. Pelcovitz quoted a midrash in Bereishit Rabbah 100.  When Yoseph was returning from burying his father Yaakov, he stopped by the pit into which his brothers threw him. I don’t know about you, but if I had stopped by the pit I would have sobbed and been angry and relived the trauma. Instead, Yoseph said, 

בא”ה אמ”ה שעשה לי נס במקום הזה - Blessed are you Hashem, our G-d King of the universe, who did for me a miracle in this place.  He chose to not see the negative experience and focus on the positive. 

Where is the positive in wearing masks?  Psychologist Dr. Judith Danovitch, in her New York Times Aug. 18th article “Actually, Wearing A Mask Can Help Your Child Learn” noted some unbelievably positive results of wearing masks.  Yes, they are inconvenient, uncomfortable and bothersome, but since we have to wear them anyway, we might as well focus on the positives. 

Danovitch speaks of some social and cognitive skills that can be strengthened by wearing masks.  Self- control and attention are improved by mask-wearing.  Additionally, there has been much research focusing on the importance of looking at the eyes of another to truly understand what he/she is saying and what he/she wants to convey.  In fact, when children are learning to speak they spend twice the amount of time looking at the speaker's eyes than they do at his/her mouth.  Those who have read my column before know that there has been a plethora of research regarding the negative impact that technology usage has had on children’s ability to discern the thoughts and feelings of others- as they rarely look into the eyes of another as they are constantly looking down at their phones. And, as they communicate with each other via text, whatsapp etc. they do not have the benefit of looking into the eyes of the other person and getting a true sense of how he/she is feeling.   Research indicates that children who can ascertain a person’s thoughts and emotions by simply looking at their eyes alone have greater social-emotional intelligence. 

People also get a sense of what another is feeling by noticing non-verbal cues like posture, gesture, tone of voice and overall body language. Mask-wearing is a great way for children to develop those important skills. 

Having to wear a mask all day is practice in self-control and self- regulation- resisting pulling it off.  Children who have good self-control and self-regulation are better at “achieving long-term goals, solving problems and handling stressful situations.”  And, Danovitch reminds us that mask wearing is also great for those who are trying to stop biting their nails!! 

Perhaps, most importantly, by wearing masks children can learn that sometimes we can play a role in helping our community.  “For older children, mask wearing is a way to teach more sophisticated ethical concepts like duty and sacrifice. By age 7, for example, children believe that it feels good to make sacrifices on behalf of others in need. Stressing that the discomfort and inconvenience of mask wearing are forms of generosity and public service might motivate children to address other social problems in their lives, like bullying.”

“Ultimately, how children feel about wearing masks at school, and how much they psychologically benefit from wearing them, is going to depend on how the parents, teachers and caregivers around them present the issue. Masks are hopefully not here to stay, but while they are still necessary, we should make the most of them.”

I know it’s easier said than done.  I too cannot wait to remove my mask at the end of the day.  I am in the middle of reading Mr. Charlie Haray’s book Unlocking Greatness.  At the beginning of the book he stresses “What you think about you bring about.” Our minds shape reality. 

He quotes a famous research study by Dr. Robert Rosenthal in the 1960s, which really hit home as an educator.  Dr. Rosenthal went to an elementary school and claimed that he designed a test that would assess “blooming intelligence”  by the results on the test. But, in reality he faked all the scores and randomly gave some students better scores and some worse. A year later, the students he randomly chose were actually at the top of their classes! (And, they all had IQ tests,  and he knew that they did not necessarily score the highest).   And, their IQ scores even went up a year later! It was all because the teachers mistakenly thought these students were “smarter,” expected more of them, the students then picked up on those expectations and adapted to them. The mind shapes reality.  

That is the key to optimism. When when’s mind views circumstances through an optimistic lens, the reality becomes more positive. 

Optimism is not living in never never land. Optimism is, according to Time Magazine’s  most recent edition on optimism “What optimism is really about is accepting even the most troubling challenges and obstacles with perspective and a clear-eyed intent to not let them stop you from enjoying the best version of your life.”  

We need to, therefore, work on thinking optimistically and then relay that to our children. What better message to have at this time of year at Rosh Hashana. This past Shabbat, I went to a shiur by Rabbi Yaakov Neuburger on the debate of whether Rosh Hashana is supposed to be a “scary” day (we do not say Hallel) or a Yom Tov?  Isn’t it unusual to be having a festive meal, wear special clothes and enjoy family and friends on a  יום הדין  - day of judgment? We should be worried and concerned- will this be a year of חיים- good health, financial stability and happiness? We are on trial!  Yet, we do make this day a Yom Tov.  In fact, in Nechemia 8:10 the navi Nechemia specifically tells the Jewish people on Rosh Hashana:

יוַיֹּ֣אמֶר לָהֶ֡ם לְכוּ֩ אִכְל֨וּ מַשְׁמַנִּ֜ים וּשְׁת֣וּ מַמְתַּקִּ֗ים וְשִׁלְח֚וּ מָנוֹת֙ לְאֵ֣ין נָכ֣וֹן ל֔וֹ כִּֽי־קָד֥וֹשׁ הַיּ֖וֹם לַֽאֲדֹנֵ֑ינוּ וְאַל־תֵּ֣עָצֵ֔בוּ כִּֽי־חֶדְוַ֥ת ה' הִ֥יא מָֽעֻזְּכֶֽם

And he said to them, "Go, eat fat foods and drink sweet drinks and send portions to whoever has nothing prepared, for the day is holy to our Lord, and do not be sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

We are happy because we are optimistic that, as we say in Tehillim 27 every day of Elul through Sukkot: 

לְדָוִ֨ד | ה' | אוֹרִ֣י וְ֖יִשְׁעִי מִמִּ֣י אִירָ֑א ה' מָע֥וֹז חַ֜יַּ֗י מִמִּ֥י אֶפְחָֽד:

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; from whom shall I be frightened?

We are optimistic that Hashem will accept our Teshuva and He will take care of us. We know  ויושב על כסא רחמים- He sits on a throne of mercy on judgement day.  And, it is easy for us to feel frustrated and pessimistic, "There is no way I can be better! I try each year and fail!" With optimism we can continue to believe in ourselves and in our ability to change. Optimism is the key to Teshuva.

 

Winston Churchill once said, “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”  As we begin this new year of school we approach it with optimism and send that message to our children.  And, as we approach Rosh Hashana- the holiday of optimism, we look forward and ahead to becoming better people and to rising to the challenge of the new goals we have set for ourselves.  

Advisory  Update: 

Sixth Grade:  Only half our sixth graders have begun Advisory with an introduction to what Advisory is and getting to know each other.

Seventh Grade:  Our girls began Advisory this week with an introduction to the theme of 7th Grade Advisory “Prepare Yourself To Change The World.” 

Eighth Grade: Due to the short week, our 8th graders have not yet had Advisory. 

Celebrate!!!

 Tomorrow we will be celebrating our Class of 2021 graduation. Time to celebrate! It seems just like yesterday when we sat considering how to do a covid graduation for the class of 2020.  While that drive-in graduation was unlike any Yavneh graduation it still was an evening of celebration! And, upon looking back at the 2020-21 year, despite the masks, the plexiglass, the distancing and changes in many of the school routines it was a year of many celebrations. In fact, celebration characterized this past year. How, you might wonder?!

(I was just privileged a few hours ago to join the Bergen County community in a United for Israel parade.  When we gathered at Phelps Park and marched down River Road, Cedar Lane and Garrison closed to traffic, I felt that air of celebration.  For those of us who miss the Salute to Israel Parade,  (although we could do without the commute!), we did not imagine that we could celebrate Israel this year. And, yet, the celebration continued). 

My daughter recently shared with me a selection by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks that shares the true essence and the purpose of celebration.

“In 2001, shortly after September 11th, I received a letter from a woman in London whose name I did not immediately recognise. She wrote that on the morning of the attack on the World Trade Centre, I had been giving a lecture on ways of raising the status of the teaching profession, and she had seen a report about it in the press. This prompted her to write and remind me of a meeting we had had eight years earlier.

She was then, in 1993, the Head Teacher of a school that was floundering. She had heard some of my broadcasts, felt a kinship with what I had to say, and thought that I might have a solution to her problem. I invited her, together with two of her deputies, to our house. The story she told me was this: morale within the school, among teachers, pupils and parents alike, was at an all-time low. Parents had been withdrawing their children. The student roll had fallen from 1000 children to 500. Examination results were bad: only 8 percent of students achieved high grades. It was clear that unless something changed dramatically, the school would be forced to close.

We talked for an hour or so on general themes: the school as community, how to create an ethos, and so on. Suddenly, I realised that we were thinking along the wrong lines. The problem she faced was practical, not philosophical. I said: “I want you to live one word: celebrate.” She turned to me with a sigh: “You don’t understand – we have nothing to celebrate. Everything in the school is going wrong.” “In that case,” I replied, “find something to celebrate. If a single student has done better this week than last week, celebrate. If someone has a birthday, celebrate. If it’s Tuesday, celebrate.’ She seemed unconvinced, but promised to give the idea a try.

Now, eight years later, she was writing to tell me what had happened since then. Examination results at high grades had risen from 8 percent to 65 percent. The enrollment of pupils had risen from 500 to 1000. Saving the best news to last, she added that she had just been made a Dame of the British Empire – one of the highest honours the Queen can bestow – for her contribution to education. She ended by saying that she just wanted me to know how a single word had changed the school, and her life.

Celebration is an essential part of motivating. It turned a school around. So celebrate.”

 

I believe there are two aspects of celebration that Rabbi Sacks, zt”l highlights.

 

First, in actuality, just when you are down, when things look like they are at an all-time low, that is the time to celebrate.  One must make a conscious choice and effort to sift through the difficulties to find the joy.  

 

Rabbi David Aaron, in his article “Celebrating Jewish Sadness” contemplates Tisha B’av and even Yom HaShoah experience that he experienced as a child of Holocaust survivors. He asks, “How can Jews find meaning, power and beauty in our long history as victims of incredible oppression and cruelty?” He answers, “As counterintuitive as it may seem, it is necessary for humans to feel pain in order to feel joy. We strive to be happy our whole lives and avoid all sadness and pain. But only people who truly know pain and sadness can truly know pleasure and joy.” 

 

In Eicha 2:19, as Yirmiyahu describes the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash he says, 

    ". Pour out your heart like water"    שִׁפְכִ֤י כַמַּ֨יִם֙ לִבֵּ֔ךְ

Rabbi Aaron shared that Yirmiyahu is stating that tears actually satiate us like fresh water.  Crying fulfills a need and it quenches.  We know that psychologically speaking, denying our pain can be destructive. We will ultimately express the pain in unhealthy and dysfunctional ways if we do not express it. 

 

The ability to experience both sadness and celebration allows a person to be “whole.”  Rabbi Aaron asserts, “Judaism is not about being happy; it's about being whole. Wholeness, however, is actually the only true path to real happiness because then you experience an inner happiness even when you are sad.”

 

How does one sift through the difficulties to celebrate:

1. By seeing the cup ½ full instead of ½ empty. As I have discussed before in this column at length, we also call this in Advisory the ability to see the world through “rose-colored glasses” instead of dark glasses. And, the ability to see that cup half full is an active choice.  Just like the spies in this past week's parasha- they all saw the same land, but only Calev and Yehoshua were able to see the cup half full. We can model for our children how we do this ourselves and ask them directly to do so themselves. See the good that comes out of all situations. 

2. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”   In Dr. Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning he writes of his experience the Nazi concentration camps. He notes that the difference between those who lived or who died was meaning. In fact, Dr. Frankl commented on the constant “pursuit of happiness” that is mistakenly engaged in by Americans.   "To the European," Frankl wrote, "it is a characteristic of the American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to 'be happy.' But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to 'be happy.'"

Again, as parents, we can help our children find that meaning through encouraging them to become involved in activities that focus on others and not only on material pursuits. 

 

I believe that one lesson our children learned from these months is that one can be happy and find celebration despite living through difficult times through focusing on the positive and the pursuit of meaning.  

 

 

The second aspect of Rabbi Sacks’ celebration from which our children can learn is that one should celebrate EVERYTHING!   As he says, it’s Tuesday so celebrate!  Celebrate that your son remembered to make his bed.  Celebrate that your daughter gave you a hug when she came home.  Celebrating small things helps us pause and appreciate the small things in life. And, the more we appreciate those small things, the more grateful we are, the more positive emotions we experience, the happier we are and the more resilient we are to negative occurrences in our lives. 

 

Rabbi Sacks’ advice to constantly celebrate is ironically a lesson that our children learned quite well during this covid time. They learned about seeing the cup half full, pursuing meaning and that the more you celebrate the more positive you feel.  And, of course, they have learned that we must celebrate everything.  Pre- covid would we have celebrated the ability to see our grandparents?  Probably not. Or even to go to shul? Probably not. How about seeing the actual faces of our teachers? Definitely not.   I think our children have learned this year that we need to celebrate EVERYTHING for one should never take anything for granted. 

So, tomorrow evening, as our 8th graders celebrate, we can confidently know that they have learned how to celebrate. May they continue to celebrate many more occasions in contentment and health!  Mazel tov! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Our sixth graders did a session on preparing for finals and how to manage their possible worries. 

Seventh Grade: The boys finished their Do Not Stand Idly By Unit on standing up to injustice and our girls did a lesson on finding the heroism within themselves. 

Eighth Grade:  As their last Advisory session students discussed how it felt to say good-bye to Yavneh, what they learned and gained,  and the mixed emotions they felt. They also filled out a survey regarding what they feel they gained and what needs to be improved at Yavneh from their perspectives. 

The Still, Small Sound of Everyday Life

  My favorite part of my school week are the periods when I teach my 8th grade Navi/Beur Tefilla class.  I look forward to those times all week and hope that my students do too.  This past week we discussed Perek 19 of Melachim I when Eliyahu HaNavi desperately runs away, asking Hashem to take his life. Izevel is out to kill him and he feels all his efforts in getting the people to believe in Hashem were for nought.  Hashem turns to him and says, (פסוקים יא-יב)

And He said: "Go out and stand in the mountain before the Lord, Behold! the Lord passes, and a great and strong wind splitting mountains and shattering boulders before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake-not in the earthquake was the Lord.		יאוַיֹּ֗אמֶר צֵ֣א וְעָמַדְתָּ֣ בָהָר֘ לִפְנֵ֣י ה֒ וְהִנֵּ֧ה ה עֹבֵ֗ר וְר֣וּחַ גְּדוֹלָ֡ה וְחָזָ֞ק מְפָרֵק֩ הָרִ֨ים וּמְשַׁבֵּ֚ר סְלָעִים֙ לִפְנֵ֣י ה לֹ֥א בָר֖וּחַ ה וְאַחַ֚ר הָר֙וּחַ֙ רַ֔עַשׁ לֹ֥א בָרַ֖עַשׁ ה:
12After the earthquake fire, not in the fire was the Lord, and after the fire a still small sound.		יבוְאַחַ֚ר הָרַ֙עַשׁ֙ אֵ֔שׁ לֹ֥א בָאֵ֖שׁ ה וְאַחַ֣ר הָאֵ֔שׁ ק֖וֹל דְּמָמָ֥ה דַקָּֽה:

G-d was not found in the thunderous, powerful wind, earthquake or fire, but rather in the “still small sound.” 

 When I turned to my students to see what they thought the meaning of this metaphor was,  each of their ideas hit the nail right on the head.  This  “small, still voice” is in contrast to the grand miracle Eliyahu had just performed on Mt. Carmel where the Jews proclaimed 

“ה ה֥וּא הָאֱלֹקים.” 

 

One student immediately compared this message to Matan Torah. ( שמות יט:טז) 

It came to pass on the third day when it was morning, that there were thunder claps and lightning flashes, and a thick cloud was upon the mountain, and a very powerful blast of a shofar, and the entire nation that was in the camp shuddered.

טזוַיְהִי֩ בַיּ֨וֹם הַשְּׁלִישִׁ֜י בִּֽהְיֹ֣ת הַבֹּ֗קֶר וַיְהִי֩ קֹלֹ֨ת וּבְרָקִ֜ים וְעָנָ֤ן כָּבֵד֙ עַל־הָהָ֔ר וְקֹ֥ל שֹׁפָ֖ר חָזָ֣ק מְאֹ֑ד וַיֶּֽחֱרַ֥ד כָּל־הָעָ֖ם אֲשֶׁ֥ר בַּמַּֽחֲנֶֽה:

While Hashem appeared with loud and flashy thunder and lightning at Har Sinai, to Eliyhau he appeared in quiet. We then discussed the many “flashy” miracles in the Tanach- like the splitting of the Yam Suf, or the מן. Today we do not have  those types of miracles. (One girl pointed out how the Six Day War was quite a miracle! We then discussed how that was a miracle done through battle and war, not through a miracle that was so out of the realm of the natural order- like the splitting of the sea).

It is therefore much more difficult to notice miracles in our lives, as many of those miracles appear in the form of a ק֖וֹל דְּמָמָ֥ה דַקָּֽה a still small sound.  I then asked each of the girls to take a moment and write down their “ק֖וֹל דְּמָמָ֥ה דַקָּֽה” moment in their lives. The moment that they felt G-d and His השגחה - His intervention in their lives. One of Hashem’s points to Eliyahu HaNavi was that you are  not going to live a life full of loud, obvious miracles.  It is our job to find Hashem in those soft, quiet moments in our everyday lives. 

Additionally, it is not necessarily those incredible spiritual endeavors that we engage in where we connect to G-d.  We can’t spend our whole lives in our year in Israel. But, it is the everyday, small spiritual moments that we incorporate into our lives that bring us closer to G-d.  And, of course, as parents, we create those small moments for our children as well so they grow up with that “still small sound” of Hashem daily. 

I was reading an article by Eytan Kobre called “Out Of The Limelight.” He wrote of the passing of astronaut Michael Collins. I am embarrassed to say that I had never heard of Michael Collins, but apparently he was part of the three- man team on the Apollo II spacecraft Columbia that landed on the moon with  Neil Amstrong and Buzz Aldrin.  Kobre explains that while Armstrong and Aldrin got to land on the moon, Collins had to “wait in the car” orbiting  at 3700 miles per hour waiting for his crewates to return safely.  He described how terrified he was, and even lost contact with his crewmates and NASA for a bit, not knowing if they arrived on the moon safely.  He was alone. He wrote, “I am alone now, truly alone, and absolutely isolated from any known life.  If a count were taken the scene would be three billion plus two over on the other side of the moon, and one plus G-d only knows what on this side.”  Kobre astutely points out, if only he had ended his sentence, “...one plus G-d,” he would have felt less alone.  

But, Collins was never upset that he missed the limelight, the drama, or Nixon’s phone call.  He didn’t have any FOMO or was not at all resentful or jealous.  He was content with that “still small sound” of his moment where he experienced an incredible view of earth, moon, the solar system etc.  He knew how to be content with those still small moments without yearning for the dramatic flash of his teammates.  

It is those small moments of life that truly do matter.   As we all know, after the flash and power of  Har Sinai, the Jews still get involved in the sin of the golden calf. Somehow the flash did not last.   It is those “ק֖וֹל דְּמָמָ֥ה דַקָּֽה” moments that are everlasting. 

As we celebrate the 3,333 year from Matan Torah this year, may we make a commitment to create those “ק֖וֹל דְּמָמָ֥ה דַקָּֽה” moments within our family- those small moments that create those special relationships. It is the everyday snuggle in front of the tv, or walks to the library or even doing homework together that create relationships more than the once or twice a year spectacular events. May we also commit to creating and looking to notice those “ק֖וֹל דְּמָמָ֥ה דַקָּֽה” moments with G-d.  By noticing them we will feel less “alone.”  And, may we transmit those moments to our children by pointing out those “still, small sounds” in their everyday lives. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began a unit on social exclusion and harassment (aka bullying) and their role as bystanders.

Seventh Grade:  Students wrapped up our Do Not Stand Idly By unit by focusing on their role as standing up for what is right and culminating in our Buy Israeli Goods week and the Teach NJ political action.

Eighth Grade:  Students prepared for the cherished inscription that all 8th graders will be receiving in the siddur they get at the 8th grade dinner, which is a tribute to all that makes them special as individuals. Each student wrote his/her classmates and what makes them unique.