This past week’s parasha is what I would call the parasha of chesed. The word chesed is mentioned 4 times and the stories therein involve chesed. We know from last week’s parasha that Avraham was known for his chesed, and his tent always being open to all. When Eliezer went out to look for a wife for Yitzchak he looked for a young lady who would not only offer water for him to drink, but for his camels as well- a woman of חסד. Beyond that, at the start of the parasha Avraham does the ultimate act of חסד של אמת, when he buries his wife Sarah.
It is not a coincidence that a recent research study came across my desk this week. A research study of more than 4000 subjects conducted in Tel Aviv University lead by Natalia Kononov on the influence of personality factors on the perceptions of attractiveness reported that “people who were thought of as kind, helpful or generous- were rated better-looking by others.” For example, in one study the subjects were told that a candidate does volunteer work and the other group was told the person did not. They were then introduced to the person and asked to rate how attractive they thought he/she was. All of those who were told the person did volunteer work rated the person more attractive than those who were told he did not. The candidates described as kind scored about 10% higher than those who had been described as funny and 7% higher than those who were described as smart. The results were the same for men and women. Kononov said “Beauty really isn’t just skin deep- being a better person can make you look better too.”
It is no wonder that Rivka, known for her deeds of chesed, was described in Bereishit 24:16 as וְהַנַּֽעֲרָ֗ה טֹבַ֤ת מַרְאֶה֙ מְאֹ֔ד- The maiden was of very beautiful appearance.
Despite the fact that being kind affects your outward appearance to others, doing chesed is not a surface act and is not simple. As Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Schiffman writes in his article “Smart Chesed.” It is not just about feeling like doing good and doing it. He quotes psychologist Dr. Nancy Eisenberg who says “ First, we need to be able to perceive the needs of another by interpreting the situation and making inferences about what they are thinking or feeling. Then, we need to evaluate the most beneficial course of action. Finally, we have to formulate and carry out a plan to help. In short, she contends, prosocial behavior requires perception, reasoning, problem solving, and decision-making.” Doing good involves thinking. He then continues to quote Rav Soloveitchik who points out that the fact that she gave water was’t chesed. It is what she did with the water in the jug after he drank from it. Bringing it back to her house would expose her family to the germs of a stranger. The second option was to spill out the water, but that would insult Eliezer. So, she problem-solved and used her thinking skills and gave the water to the camels. Chesed is about thinking through what the other needs. It is a cerebral endeavor.
And, therefore, it is no surprise that we here at Yavneh focus so much on involving our students in Chesed and kindness. Just this past week alone, we had a Chesed Team event for Yad Leah. We also had our first Kindness Raffle on Friday, where students and teachers who are nominated as doing a kindness for another are submitted to win a prize at a raffle. And, our Lost and Found committee, dedicated to returning lost items to students, got to work. There used to be a sign hanging in the gym with Yavneh’s mantra: Stimulating the mind, Nourishing the Soul. I would like to maintain that by encouraging kindness and chesed we are both stimulating the mind and nourishing the soul.
People often wonder, “Why is the director of guidance involved in overseeing chesed activities in the middle school?” Aside from enabling me to get to know the kids better, there are numerous benefits for the children (aside from looking prettier or more handsome 🙂) - higher self-esteem, an opportunity to foster leadership skills, to create friendships and being kind improves happiness from the “helper’s high” ! Research also indicates lower levels of stress, improved physical and mental health- all of which I have mentioned in this column before.
As you “attend” parent teacher conferences today, let us praise our children for all they have accomplished in school. For some, there will be a lot of praise for their academic achievement. But, let's also remember what Rabbi Joseph Telushkin said in a presentation to the Norfolk Academy he gave in 2019. He said often children earn praise from their parents for academic achievement, sports, artistic talent and even their physical appearances. But, he said, “I would have parents reserve their highest praise of their children for kind acts. Goodness is the very thing to brag about. We need to think in these terms and express it.” Let us remember to praise our children when we finish conferences today for those kindnesses as well.
One more item regarding parent teacher conferences, related to a column I wrote earlier in the year on making an effort to write “Nachat notes” to our children and their teachers. At the time I read an article, which I decided to save for today, by Emuna Braverman called “Nachas Night With The Teachers.” She recommends calling parent-teacher conferences “Nachas Night” (or day, in our case)- which a teacher in her child’s school did. She reminds us- both teachers and parents- to not only focus on the criticism, but to remember to also focus on the nachat. Both we as teachers and parents, even when sharing an area that needs improvement, need to focus on the desire to see the good in our children. Parents sometimes ask me whether it is important to come to conferences if their children are doing exceptionally well in school. I reply “Of course! Don’t you and your children deserve to hear the nachat first-hand?!”
Good luck today at “nachat day” conferences. As we approach Thanksgiving, let us remember to be thankful for all the wonderful children we have- no matter what their grades are. And, let’s not forget to praise our children for being kind…always.
6th Grade Advisory: Students experienced the “Middle School Adjustment Seminar” where they viewed real-life sixth grade scenarios acted out by Yavneh teachers and discussed practical strategies and solutions.
7th Grade Advisory: Students debriefed their Frost Valley experience and what they learned and gained over the three days and began their next unit “Operation Respect” on empathy and preparing for their visit to the homeless shelter.
8th Grade Advisory: Students spoke about gratitude and practical ways to apply it to your life as we approach Thanksgiving.
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