Each year the middle school teachers dress up in a Purim costume according to a theme that is voted upon. This year we dressed up as middle school students. With my ugg slip-ons (not exactly dress-code appropriate), my oversized sweatshirt and my skirt from Ben Yehuda street that has become popular, I came to school dressed like my students.
As I lived my day dressed as a middle schooler I considered how much of my days throughout the year I live the middle school life. While it was my first time actually dressing like one, I truly do spend most days trying to think like a middle school student and literally putting myself in their shoes, so that I understand them better. As parents, when our eldest child reaches the middle school years we often are unsure as we get adjusted to parenting someone that age. (We then quickly figure out that they too are unsure. Luckily, by our 2nd middle schooler we are old hands at managing middle school life!). But, I luckily have hundreds of students each year to learn about and learn from. I learn about how to help these middle schoolers from the middle schoolers themselves. As it says in Taanit 7a:
וְהַיְינוּ דְּאָמַר רַבִּי חֲנִינָא: הַרְבֵּה לָמַדְתִּי מֵרַבּוֹתַי, וּמֵחֲבֵירַי יוֹתֵר מֵרַבּוֹתַי, וּמִתַּלְמִידַי יוֹתֵר מִכּוּלָּן.
And, the truth is I learn a lot from my students that helps me see life differently…and better. I recall the famous selection written by Robert Fulghum All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. These are the life lessons that Fulghum suggests are essential for all, that can easily be gleaned from kindergarten.
1. Share everything.
2. Play fair.
3. Don't hit people.
4. Put things back where you found them.
5. Clean up your own mess
6. Don't take things that aren't yours.
7. Say you're SORRY when you HURT somebody.
8. Wash your hands before you eat.
9. Flush.
10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
11. Live a balanced life - learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
12. Take a nap every afternoon.
13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
15. Goldfish and hamster and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.
As I became a middle school student for the day last week, I considered how “All I Really Need To Know I Learn In Middle School EVERY DAY.” There are so many truisms about life that I learn from my students. And, while I see these lessons lived out in middle school life, I am much more careful as an adult to change the way I act because of them.
Make an effort to be inclusive. It is miserable to feel excluded.
A lesson learned and felt deeply each year when it comes to the group Purim costumes. Every year I have students who find Purim to be an extremely painful time of year, as their peers dress in group costumes and they have no one who will include them. Additionally, Bar/bat mitzvah years have intense social pressure. Coke and Pepsi, places to sit when there isn’t assigned seating…always needing to find someone with whom to “hang out.” And, of course, this could happen daily at the lunchroom table. And, don’t forget recess. Allowing others to join a game or hang out with you at recess when they don’t have a “place” at recess can be life-changing. I am so proud of our students who make an effort to invite someone or to include others who look as if they haven’t found a place. As an adult, I make so much more of an effort to include others in shul, at smachot and at various get-togethers because of living the middle school life daily.
Invite someone who may not have a place to stay.
Speaking of bar/bat mitzvahs. I have learned the importance of reaching out to a boy who may live too far away to walk to a bar mitzvah and invite him to stay for Shabbat.
It is okay to make mistakes.
Middle school students are becoming more mature, can think more abstractly and thirst for independence. We consequently give them more choice and more “power.” While “with great power comes great responsibility” (Spiderman) it is also common to make mistakes as we grow. And, that is okay. There will always be second chances. Learning by trial and error is healthy.
Independence is healthy, but we still need the support of others!
For middle schoolers “others” are often their parents. Yes, we may not be as involved with their work in school or in their friendships or playdates as we were when they were in first grade. But, they still need us involved. Not in a “helicopter parenting” type of way, but with guidance and hand-holding when needed.
It is hard to work in groups. Compromise and yielding to the opinion of others are essential for success.
For the first time students are asked to work independently in groups and chevrutot. I often remind myself of the discussions I have with students about how to work with others effectively, despite differing opinions, and how those differing opinions are what often lead to an excellent product. Delegating is also an important skill. This past week of color war was an important learning opportunity of how to work with others. And, especially when some students ended up not being on the same team as their best friends.
We all forget things sometimes.
The consequences of forgetting are often good teaching tools. It helps us learn to be more thoughtful and plan to avoid forgetfulness.
There are others outside my immediate circle.
Around the age of 12 our children enter the formal operational stage of Piaget’s stages of cognitive development when they realize that others experience life differently from the way they do. This is why at Yavneh we take advantage of this realization and involve the students in chesed activities. This is the perfect age to help reinforce looking at the lives of others and caring about them. Despite going through so many changes and a stressful time of life, they are able to think about others. It is our job, as the adults in their lives, to reinforce that focus.
Stand up for someone who needs help.
Whether in situations of bullying or social exclusion or just a not so nice comment in class, our middle schoolers are developmentally (as noted in #7) ready to stand up for others.
We often do things we shouldn’t because we care too much about the opinion of our peers.
The flip side of the positive “looking out for others” is that at times they care too much about others. Oftentimes middle schoolers will do or not do something just to avoid being teased by their friends or because they think they will be considered “cool.” Hopefully we outgrow that by adulthood…
Sometimes friendships change.
It is okay for us to outgrow friends and make new ones. But, we must always be kind to all no matter what.
Friends sometimes fight or disagree, but we can resolve issues skillfully.
I find that middle school is often the first time students can resolve a conflict between friends with just some slight mediation and oversight. I am proud to see how students can truly speak to each other with honesty and tact at the same time. (Sometimes they need a little prep before to ensure that “tact”). If only all adults could do the same. I find that even as adults, consulting with a friend or colleague as to how to resolve a conflict is often helpful.
Have fun and laugh!
Middle schoolers remind me that it’s okay to just laugh, and have fun (and dress up in silly costumes on Purim!). My students keep me young at heart and no one knows how to have fun better than middle schoolers.
I recently watched a TEDx video by Scott Guldin called “What We Can Learn From Middle Schoolers.” Guldin is a middle school teacher who speaks about what he loves about teaching middle school. This is all despite the fact that when people hear that he teaches middle school :”Ooh… They seem betrayed, bewildered and disgusted. Why do they respond like that? Because even under the best of circumstances middle school is notoriously difficult- physically, psychologically and socially, and in a host of other ways I am sure you do not want me to enumerate.” He continues to share how despite what the world thinks of middle school, he loves teaching middle school, and that middle schoolers “can teach us to be kinder, happier human beings.”
He continues that middle school is often depicted as “Chaos in minds, bodies, relationships and emotions. The efforts of middle school students are heroic and worthy of emulating. Life is really adolescence ripped large. We spend our whole time on earth grappling with what is essential to the middle school experience. We are going to struggle with the ways our bodies betray us. We are going to wonder, ‘Who are our friends really?’ We are going to fight with and reconcile with our family members. We are going to admit, if only to ourselves, that our parents were right all along. And we’re going to wonder, ‘How can I have my voice heard?’ Trying to do the right thing even if it’s the hard thing and even if it’s unpopular. I feel so proud to teach middle schoolers. It’s because of a middle schooler’s willingness to do the right thing even if it’s hard. Even though they are flawed and frustrating- they are resilient and courageous and beautiful they can teach us how to live if only we are humble enough to listen.”
As we heard from our children’s teachers today at parent-teacher conferences, we may have left proud or perhaps a bit frustrated. As we sit with our children to debrief what was shared, let us remind ourselves that the middle school years are not easy. There is so much for them and for us to learn. But, in essence, everything we really need to know we can learn from our middle school students. And… what we are learning may change each day, and might be difficult at times, but overall let us focus on all the valuable life lessons we are learning from them.
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