Our Seventh Graders recently returned home from their three day Frost Valley trip. For those of you who were once students at Yavneh yourselves you will recall that Frost Valley is one highlight of the Yavneh Middle School experience. And, while the trip is incredible in so many ways, in my twenty years at Yavneh I can say that each year we have students who are anxious about going. We spend much time before the trip preparing those students and encouraging them that they can do it! And, I can proudly say they go despite that anxiety, (thank you to the parents who help us prepare them), and have the time of their lives. And, in reality, the theme of the Frost Valley experience through the various outdoor activities is to stretch yourself, step outside your comfort zone, embrace challenge and reach for new heights (pun intended!).
While some children are by nature more anxious, studies involving thousands of children and college students show that anxiety has increased substantially since the 1950's. In fact, the studies find that anxiety has increased so much that typical schoolchildren during the 1980's reported more anxiety than child psychiatric patients did during the 1950's. Why the increase? There are many hypotheses presented. Some have linked the increase to the economy. Others have stated that this generation is more willing to admit when they are dealing with anxiety. One other suggestion by Jean Twenge, author of Generation Me is, "These results suggest that as American culture has increasingly valued extrinsic and self-centered goals such as money and status, while increasingly devaluing community, affiliation, and finding meaning in life, the mental health of American youth has suffered.”
Dr. Wendy Mogel writes in her book The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee, that an increased level of “fearfulness in children and intense protectiveness in parents was something I saw all the time.” Perhaps increased overprotectiveness has contributed to the increased anxiety?
Dr. Jonathan Haidt, whose words have been the focus of many of my columns over the past few years, famous for his research on the harm cellphones have had on children, substantiates Mogel’s hypothesis as he writes in his book The Anxious Generation. He shares that anxiety has increased 139 percent in people ages 18-25 between 2010-2020. He feels that overprotective parenting and screentime are the two leading causes of that anxiety. Haidt discusses the importance of “play-based childhood" which has declined due to “safetyism” - parents becoming overprotective and not allowing space for adventuring. Children then do not grow in their confidence.
As Dr. Haidt notes:
"Several studies find that coddling or helicopter parenting is correlated with later anxiety disorders, low self-efficacy (which is the inner confidence that one can do what is needed to reach one's goals), and difficulty adjusting to college. Children are intrinsically anti-fragile, which is why overprotective children are more likely to become adolescents who are stuck in defend mode. In defend mode, they're likely to learn less, have fewer close friends, be more anxious, and experience more pain from ordinary conversations and conflicts. Kids are hungry for thrills, and they must get them if they're to overcome their childhood fears and wire up their brains so that the discover mode becomes the default. In the process, they develop a broad set of competencies, including the ability to judge risk for themselves, take appropriate action when faced with risks, and learn that when things go wrong—even if they get hurt—they can usually handle it without calling an adult."
Ironically, while we were overprotective of our children in real-life “Then we left children free to wander through the wild west of the virtual world, where threats to children abounded." We were over-protecting them in the real-world and under-protecting them in the virtual world.
Haidt discusses two modes of operating in life: "Healthy childhood with a lot of autonomy and unsupervised play in the real world sets children's brains to operate mostly in discover mode with a well-developed attachment system and an ability to handle the risks of daily life. Conversely, when there is society-wide pressure on parents to adopt modern overprotective parenting, it sets children's brains to operate mostly in defend mode with less secure attachment and reduced ability to evaluate or handle risk." With societal pressure to overprotect our children, we are placing them in “defend mode” and they think they need us constantly there to protect them.
In the parasha we read this past Shabbat, Hashem turns to Avraham and challenges him to step out of his comfort zone and go on his own journey by commanding "לֶךְ־לְךָ֛ מֵֽאַרְצְךָ֥ וּמִמּֽוֹלַדְתְּךָ֖ וּמִבֵּ֣ית אָבִ֑יךָ אֶל־הָאָ֖רֶץ אֲשֶׁ֥ר אַרְאֶֽךָּ: " "Leave your land, your birthplace and the house of your father to the land which I will show you." (Bereishit 12:1). It is as if Hashem is stressing with Avraham how hard it will be for him to leave that which is familiar to him and to challenge himself with the unknown. Avraham must have felt anxious about going out on his own. The experience of Avraham's “lech lecha” contains a message for both children and parents.
For children, it is important to understand that at times it is difficult to try something new and embark on a new “journey.” Whether it is the first time at sleepaway camp (or Frost Valley!) or trying out for the team even though you are nervous- you can do it! At times we need the courage to remind ourselves that we can do it. We have the skills. Our parents and teachers have confidence in us. No one said it would be easy. But, like Avraham, Hashem is with you to support you all the way.
As parents, when our children are faced with anxiety it is hard for us to resist the temptation to become "heroes" and save them from their fears. (Assuming their fears are "normal" parts of growing up and do not overly impact their daily living). At some point we need to say, "This is part of life, and YOU need to go through this." Hashem said to Avraham, "Lech lecha" - go for you. Even though as parents it is painful for us to let go and allow you to experience life's challenges, it is good for you. It is for your self-development.
We are fearful of all that is out there in the world today. The internet, substance use, eating disorders- you name it. As parents, all we want to do is protect our children. However, there is such thing as being over-protective. Dr. Sue Blaney calls that kind of parenting “Helicopter Parenting.” “Helicopter parents are hovering parents. They run interference, they pave the way for them, they fight their kids’ battles for them, they protect them at all cost. Helicopter parents don’t allow their kids enough rein to fall, or succeed on their own.”
Or, as Dr. Wendy Mogel writes in her book in a section called “Raising Your Children To Leave You,” “Keeping too close an eye on children is a stumbling block. If they don't have the chance to be bad, they can't choose to be good. If they don't have the chance to fail, they can't learn. And, if they aren't allowed to face scary situations, they'll grow up to be frightened of life's simplest challenges.” Dr. Mogel continues, “The Talmud sums up the Jewish perspective on child- rearing in a single sentence, 'A father is obligated to teach his son how to swim.' Jewish wisdom holds that our children don't belong to us. They are both a loan and a gift from God, and the gift has strings attached. Our job is to raise our children to leave us. The children's job is to find their own path in life. If they stay carefully protected in the nest of the family, children will become weak and fearful or feel too comfortable to want to leave.”
Our goal as parents is to develop resilient and self-reliant children who can face up to challenges even when we are not with them. Helicopter parenting creates the opposite. If we do it all for them, how will they learn to do it for themselves? This applies to academics, interactions with peers, athletics- in every arena. None of us want our children to fail. But, if we overprotect them, and never allow them to experience failure- they do not develop the requisite skills to cope with disappointment. They crumble. There is no greater protection that we can provide to our kids than to help them realize that they can fall and get up again.
Hashem did not simply send Avraham and let go. Rather, we see that Hashem says He is sending him to a land that He will "show him." Hashem, as parent, will show him how to get there, but Avraham needs to ultimately make the journey independently.
Do you recall those toddlerhood years when our children were learning to walk? We let go and allowed them to take those steps, but we stood nearby ready to help them get up again if they fell. We empower them to try on their own while at the same time giving them the message that we are always here to protect them and step in if needed.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade-
Students are investigating the time management skills from which they could benefit.
Seventh Grade:
The Frost Valley trip this week was a real-life implementation of team-work and communication skills they learned in Advisory.
Eighth Grade:
Students learned some test-taking strategies and had an overview of the JSAT exam they will be taking.
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