Countercultural Collective Action And Being A Parent In The Digital Age

       “Judaism constantly asks us to exercise our freedom. To be a Jew is not to go with the flow, to be like everyone else, to follow the path of least resistance, to worship the conventional wisdom of the age. To the contrary, to be a Jew is to have the courage to live in a way that is not the way of everyone. Each time we eat, drink, pray or go to work, we are conscious of the demands our faith makes on us, to live God’s will and be one of His ambassadors to the world. Judaism always has been, perhaps always will be countercultural.” 

This quote by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks was referenced by our speaker, Mr. Richard Simon, (author of the book Unplug- How To Break Up With Your Phone And Reclaim Your Life)  who spoke to both parents and our middle school students. He  began his presentation with the assertion that the Jewish people are “countercultural” and are willing to challenge norms.  It is therefore, he feels, easier for the Jewish people to make statements regarding our children not having smartphones, and even disconnecting and shutting down our phones more ourselves.  We are used to being different. 

This statement reminded me of what  Dr. Jonathan Haidt, author of The Anxious Generation - sharing the dangers of the constant device usage of our children- said at two presentations that I heard him give in person- one for Tikvah and one at Yeshiva University.  He presented the importance of what he calls “collective action”- where the parents of a “chevra” or a school or a community  need to get together and all agree to community- wide norms, like no smartphones, so that “everyone is doing it”- combating negative peer pressure to have phones and constant tech use.  The Orthodox community which has a sense of community, says Haidt, is better positioned to restrict cell phone use, as they can establish shared, community- wide norms- in their schools, shuls and communities. Social pressure makes individual action almost impossible. Collective action is the key.  Students then do not suffer from “FOMO”- thinking that all their friends have smartphones and they are missing out.  It breaks the power of social contagion. 

This ability to be different is the Jewish way. In Avot 2:5 it we are reminded:

בְמָקוֹם שֶׁאֵין אֲנָשִׁים, הִשְׁתַּדֵּל לִהְיוֹת אִישׁ:

In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man

When everyone else is doing the wrong thing, you stand up and do the right thing. We learn this lesson from Mosh Rabbeinu in Shemot 2:11. When he saw the Jewish man being beaten by an Egyptian: 

וַיִּ֤פֶן כֹּה֙ וָכֹ֔ה וַיַּ֖רְא כִּ֣י אֵ֣ין אִ֑ישׁ וַיַּךְ֙ אֶת־הַמִּצְרִ֔י וַֽיִּטְמְנֵ֖הוּ בַּחֽוֹל׃

He turned this way and that and, seeing there was no man, he struck down the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.

When Moshe saw that no one was doing the right thing, he was able to resist peer pressure and do the right thing. 

Interestingly enough, one would imagine that this would be a message geared towards our students (which we discuss often in Advisory). But, in reality, so many of us, the parents, need the help of “collective action” to resist peer pressure and keep our children safe from the harms of smartphone usage. How many times have our children said to us, “But, Mommy. Everyone has one!  Everyone is doing it!”  It takes every ounce of courage to say, “I know, but you aren’t.” (And, shhh, between us. Usually when our children say so, it is not the case!) 

We are grateful to our Parent Tech Committee, which has created a “collective action” at Yavneh Academy where it is okay to not give your child a smartphone, or create limits on their phone use. 

While Mr. Simon’s talk to parents was focused on how to limit our own phone usage as adults, he over and over stressed the impact of those behaviors on our children. I will focus on only a few (of his 11 pieces of advice). 

1. Just like with cigarette smoking, alcohol use, gambling etc.,  if you tell your child “You can’t have a phone” or “Get off your phone,” but you are on it all the time, they will be more prone to be on their phones all the time as well. 

2. If we follow his advice and place our phones in areas where they are not easily available, our children will see that we are serious about being more present.

3. By deciding on a landline, old-fashioned camera, cd players etc. we are demonstrating for our children that we are serious about this. 

4. When our children see us constantly checking our devices- we are again modeling for them that we are not serious. Make specific times to check your messages. 

5. Let  your children see you choosing “conversation” and not “connection.” Have real phone conversations and not texting ones! 

6. Children years ago were used to seeing their parents being “present” or “absent.” We are now present and absent at the same time.  Waiting for the doctor, on line, watching a movie with your children- no devices. Be totally present. 

Stay tuned to future weeks when I discuss more of what Mr. Simon had to share that could  be life-changing for us and our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students had a “How are we doing?” lesson. An opportunity to check in with them and see how things are going for them in school.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed how they feel when they are stressed and some techniques to manage that stress. 

Eighth Grade: Students created an “Instruction Manual” for their parents to read about themselves. Ask your child to see his/hers! 

Adar- From Despair To Joy

  A few days ago,  those of us who have been learning Nach Yomi with the OU Women’s Initiative finished learning nach after two years, culminating in a local Bergen County siyum yesterday and a Tri-state area siyum today in Long Island. Congratulations to all those who have participated. Learning the entire nach gives the learner a sense of all the ups and downs of the Jewish people. I often relate the stories we learn in nach to what we are living through today as Jews in 2026.  

In fact, at the siyum on Shabbat, a different person spoke about each sefer of nach.  I was able to share some thoughts about Sefer Melachim, which I am privileged to teach daily in my 8th grade Navi class. Right now, in my class, we are on the precipice of the building of the Beit HaMikdash by Shlomo HaMelech- clearly a high!  The excitement is palpable! (Ask my students in a few weeks about our Binyan Beit HaMikdash party in class). Unfortunately, we know all too well that before Melachim is over, the Jews will suffer and that time of peace during Shlomo’s reign will disappear, leading to destruction and exile. And, if we look throughout the rest of nach we see over and over the ups and downs for the Jewish people. 

And, yet, here we are today, even post October 7th, and we are resilient and hopeful. How is it possible? I recently read an article in the Mizrachi Magazine from May 2025  of an interview of Mr. Yechiel Leiter- Israel’s ambassador to the United States, whose son was tragically killed in battle in 2023.  He says, “Our soldiers and people as a whole are showing tremendous courage. It takes enormous resilience to maintain a war for a year-and-a-half.

Over 1,200 people were killed on October 7th and close to 900 soldiers since then – that’s over 2,000 people. In the United States, proportionally that would be 65,000–70,000 people. Could you imagine the United States with 65,000 people killed in a year? Yet we are so resilient…We’ve had over 5,000 soldiers severely wounded. That’s tens of thousands of people directly affected by this war, plus hundreds of thousands more affected by having to leave their homes in both the North and South for long periods of time. This has affected businesses and entire communities. The entire nation has been affected by ballistic missiles from Iran, Iraq, and Yemen.

Despite being under siege, our economy is still showing growth in a year of war – over 1% growth. Most countries would have a dramatic contraction, but we’re showing growth even under this stress. That’s significant.” 

What’s the secret? (A question I have asked in previous columns).  He shares that Moshe Rabbeinu was a model for this resilience. Mr. Leiter shares that he has a son with Down syndrome and because of him he sees Moshe differently.  At the burning bush Moshe says,“You can’t send me because I have a disability. (As we know he was  כבד פה וכבד לשון).  I’m a victim, I have a handicap.” And G-d answers, “I made you too. I’ll determine what you can do.” And, then how does the Torah end? "אֵ֣לֶּה הַדְּבָרִ֗ים אֲשֶׁ֨ר דִּבֶּ֤ר מֹשֶׁה֙ אֶל־כׇּל־יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל  “These are the words which Moshe spoke” (Devarim 1:1) – Moshe becomes a speaker! His very handicap becomes his strength at the beginning of Sefer Devarim, which is him speaking, in contradistinction to the other four books of the Torah. 

“Moshe needed to show the Jewish people that throughout history, they would face many challenges – persecution and exile from country to country. His lesson was crucial: if you define yourself as a victim, you cannot move forward. But when you refuse to be trapped in victimhood and instead choose life, you find the strength to overcome and continue.”

And, that is the source of resilience, he explains. We don’t bury ourselves in self-pity or victimhood. We use tragedy and persecution to move forward and create a better future. That is what we did after the Holocaust and that is what we do after October 7th. 

We are about to start the month of Adar. Purim typifies this ability- to suffer challenges, but to remain resilient. What’s the secret? 

The Shabbat I attended a shiur by Rabbi Moshe Tzvi Weinberg who shared an interesting interpretation by Rav Nachman of Breslov  of the phrase, מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אֲדָר מַרְבִּים בְּשִׂמְחָה “When the month of Adar enters we increase in joy.” (Coincidentally, Mrs. Michal Horowitz quoted it in the Nach Yomi siyum today as well).  He asks, why do we say when Adar enters? Why not “When Adar begins?”  

The word אדר can be split into א- aleph- representing  Hashem as אלוף - master. And,      דר- dwells.      Because Hashem נִּכְנַס and is "dwelling" ( דר) here, it is a time of maximum joy ("Marbim B'Simcha").  The month of Adar leads to Purim, where the "dwelling" of Hashem is revealed, even though He is not explicitly mentioned in the Megillah- Hashem’s “dwelling” is “hidden.”  The month of Adar is seen as the time when A (Hashem) Dar (Dwells) among us- even during the tough times. That realization leads to joy.

Even when things are tough and we go through challenges, if we keep in mind that Hashem is always with us, and there is a plan that we may not understand, we can remain joyful and resilient. 

Last week, I spoke about resilience in my column, as seen in the Superbowl and sports. In Advisory we speak to the students about how to face disappointment, difficulties or rejections in life. And, while Advisory is officially an SEL class- social, emotional, learning, we know that the research shows that another type of SEL class- Spiritual Emunah Learning is essential for happiness as well.   We share with the students a segment from Rabbi David Ashear’s Living Emunah For Teens, of a metaphor that helps when facing difficulty:  

Imagine G-d wrote to you every day. This is what He might write to you...

 “Good night, Leah. Listen, I know you feel bad about the C you got on your test, and the D you got in your other class, and all your other grades.  But don’t worry.  Pretty soon someone is going to suggest a change for you. You are going to be successful and also meet your best friend for life.  Forget about the grades and go to sleep. Remember, Leah, I love you.”  

“Good morning, Reuven. I just want you to know that today, your friend Yaakov is going to say something that will seem thoughtless and insulting.  But don’t worry. All will be well. And, that toothache- it will become a little cavity instead of a root canal.  Remember, whatever happens, it’s coming from Me.  I’m looking out for you.” 

 Imagine if, throughout the day, you found messages from Hashem.  When you faced a challenge, He would let you know that He sees what you’re going through and has the whole situation in hand.  When something good happened, it came with a note attached that said,’This is something special, just for you.’ There would be no greater source of courage, comfort, and joy in our lives.  We would have no worries. We would feel pampered and protected at all times, even in the midst of something that would otherwise be unpleasant.  If you can imagine living like this, then you can imagine what life is like for someone who lives with rock-solid emunah. 

Other than in Advisory, I was thinking about another time where I quoted this segment from Rabbi Ashear. It popped up in my google drive on March 29th 2020, when I spoke to the students on zoom during covid. It is painful just to think about it. And, after sharing the above segments from Rabbi Ashear I gave the following introduction and afterwards the  exercise below.. 

Good morning Yavneh students.  I miss seeing you each morning and hope you are all doing well.  

In thinking about the past days and the time we have spent at home- we might have had some moments that are upsetting, confusing or disappointing.  I always find that a way I deal with things that are confusing, or disappointing is by looking out for letters... from Hashem.

What, you might ask? What does Dr. Frohlich think she’s saying? Hashem doesn’t write letters?! And, what supernatural mail service might deliver those?   

Yes, I know that Hashem doesn’t really write letters to us, but imagining that He does helps me feel like He is sending me messages of encouragement.  Imagining these letters helps me.  Remember that Hashem is taking care of me and He is behind the scenes pulling the strings and making what is best for me to happen- even if we can’t see it now.

Today, I would like all of us to begin a new exercise:

1. When you are going through a tough time and something upsets you, I want you to stop and imagine what Hashem is saying to you at that moment that can help you overcome your upset?  What is He saying that will tell you it will be alright?  

2. Then, I want you to do something else.  If you have time, write a letter to Hashem. Yes, we know we can’t mail them, but sometimes just writing down what’s on my mind for Hashem to hear helps me through a tough time. 

So, as we begin another day of distance learning, and we are distant from our school, may we remember that Hashem is never distant from us and he is constantly “writing to us”  even when we don’t have internet connection.  Wherever we are, Hashem is with us and holding our hands. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed what it would be like to “switch places” with their teachers and how that might impact their behavior. 

Seventh Grade: Students learned about how to see life through “rose colored” glasses and the skills of upbeat thinking. 

Eighth Grade: Students were introduced to the second half of the year in Advisory “Preparing for life after Yavneh” - tackling topics that are needed for high school. 

Athletic Lesson For Life

  Those of you who have been reading my column for some time know that for almost all of the past 20  years I have been at Yavneh I write a “post- Superbowl” column- things we have learned from the Superbowl.  This year, I was inspired to write this “sports-related” column this week after watching the half-time show by Chazaq, featuring Rav Gav, Rabbi Pesach Krohn, Mr. Harry Rothenberg and Rabbi Yoel Gold. Some of their messages struck me as particularly related to the topic I had thought to write about this week- resilience. 

I had planned to reference a football Superbowl video we show our students in their Advisory unit (that I often reference) “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity In Life.”  I show them an old “commercial” from when the Giants were in the super bowl. This video speaks about how resilience is key to success in sports. 

To be honest, I was never an athlete. But, it is true that being involved in athletics can teach our children so many life skills and is particularly good for our children who are very sensitive by nature and often give up easily.  When you are playing sports you have no choice but to persist. (A reminder of the Jim Marshall anecdote, I quoted in a previous column that we talk about in Advisory. Jim Marshall was a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings.  In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television!  It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”)  Sometimes you’ll score, and sometimes you won’t.  Sometimes you will win, but more often you will lose. But, you can’t break down crying every time you miss or lose. That’s what sports is about. 

In an article by the Thrive Gym called “Building Resilience In Kids - How Sports Can Help”  the author discusses how sports can be life-changing for kids who need to learn resilience. 

     The very structure of sport requires its participants to practice resilience. Sports presents the opportunity to experience the challenge of overcoming obstacles, navigating setbacks and enduring failures. Shots are going to be missed, competitions are going to be lost and mistakes are going to happen. It is not a matter of “if”, it is simply a matter of “when”. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is also the chance to feel the joy of learning, the satisfaction of progress and the high of winning. These two opposite experiences are paired together within sports. They provide children an opportunity to practice navigating a wide range of emotions and cultivating their response in a safe and controlled environment. 

1. As parents, we have the ability to reinforce their resilience by how we react to their not giving up when they “fail.”  So, each week when your child shows up to play, despite not winning the week before,  or after a critique by a coach, or despite missing the all-important basket that could have won the game, that is courageous. As parents we can tell them that we are proud of their persistence, courage and resilience.  Praise them and point out how proud you are that they pushed through despite the challenge. Your positivity will eventually become their “self-talk.”  They will tell themselves that they are brave and they can do hard things because they have heard you praise them on the field after similar challenges. 

2. We can also relay the message that confidence comes from  practice and repetition. And, sometimes that practice is boring. Building confidence through repetition is an important skill. And, the same applies to all areas of their life- school too! Rabbi Krohn shared that  we need to realize that the game is not only being won today- it’s being won for how they prepared for it days and years before. They have gone through 100s of drills and practices. That’s the best way to achieve success. 

3. Losing helps us grow. Rav Gav quoted Vince Lombardi who said:”It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.”  He continued to quote Rav Hutner who quotes the pasuk in Mishlei 24:16:

כִּ֤י שֶׁ֨בַע יִפּ֣וֹל צַדִּ֣יק וָקָ֑ם

For a righteous man can fall seven times and rise

Rav Hutner says it does not mean “even though a tzaddik falls seven times he can get up.”  Rather  it means “because a tzaddik falls seven times he can get up.” It is the falling that causes a person to get up. Challenges are what allow  us to grow and give us the opportunity to be better. As Rabbi Krohn said about difficulties, “Don’t just go through it- grow through it.” 

When our children lose we should not minimize the loss by saying things like “It’s okay, the players were taller than your team” or the “referee made a bad call.”  When they face loss they need to ask questions like “What can I do better next time?” When we get curious about these things, we stay in a mindset of resilience. We are willing to learn instead of shut down. By being willing to face the adversity of losing with curiosity, our children will be able to assess their performance and identify the things they can practice that are within their control. This helps them to process the pain of the loss and come out the other side with beneficial feedback. 

These skills can apply to school as well. When receiving a low grade they will learn to ask, “What can I do better next time?”  As parents, after comforting them, we can help them ask those questions. 

4. Rabbi Krohn added one more item we learn from sports. In life, you sometimes need a coach to teach you the ropes. We don’t need to be embarrassed to ask advice from someone who is more experienced than we are. We constantly do this in sports…why are we hesitant to do this in other areas of our lives? 

Without even watching the Superbowl (I must admit, I only watched the end) there are many lessons our children can learn from involvement in sports. More than the physical benefit, there are many life- lessons that they can gain as well.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed how to develop positive relationships with teachers. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed how to manage when faced with a “dip” in life.

Eighth Grade: Students discussed how to manage the admissions news coming out this week.

Tu B'Shevat Parenting

  As we celebrate Tu B’shevat one might wonder how this day applies to us non-farmers and those not living in an agricultural society.  Yet, according to Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe’s book on parenting and חינוך called זריעה ובנין בחינוך Planting and Building in Education- planting is an integral part in raising our children. So, in essence, as parents we are all farmers.  

A child needs both planting and building. Planting is fostering what is found inside the child. “A child’s growth needs attentive care, like the growth of a tree or a grain. Special emphasis needs to be placed on the organic process.  If we want something particular to sprout  we must be careful to plant precisely what we want, and afterward the seeds will sprout from themselves as a natural process.

On the other hand, there is construction.  We must build a mensch. It is impossible to depend on sprouting alone.

If I build the child and help him acquire maalot (positive quality traits), but I don’t relate to his כח הצמיחה- his power to grow, then his כח הצמיחה will slowly wither and the child will be a robot. He will probably do what he is told, but he won’t possess any internal vitality.  When the child matures he will continue to do what he must, but he won’t possess individual initiative, since initiative flows from כח הצמיחה, and the כח הצמיחה long ago withered away and rotted.  All that is left is a human robot.”

And, so, continues Rav  Wolbe, we need to both help a child sprout and grow so that he will develop his inner self, but with some structured building so he will not be a “wild person.” 

There are many ways a child is like a tree.  There are particular times for planting. If we plant too early, before the land is fertile, then nothing will grow. If we plant too late, nothing will sprout. 

As parents, we need to ascertain a child’s ability and match our expectations to their ability. This ability might change as they get older or might be an integral part of who they are.  

 In Mishlei 22:6 It states: 

חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֭נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ

Educate a child according to his way. 

Before we educate a child we need to ascertain HIS WAY.  Rav Wolbe discusses how we know a banana plant has needs different from an apple tree.  If we care for a banana plant like an apple tree, it will not grow. Likewise if we raise our child in a way that is not right for him, then he will not grow.  Or perhaps the child will do what we tell him to do despite it being against his nature for now.. But as he grows he will abandon that way.   

I recently read an article by Tony Redfern called Raising Trees and Children . He spoke about something called a Cinch Tie which he used in growing a tree in his backyard.   The cinch tie was described as “ "Cinch-Tie - Strong Support for Young Trees." 

These were the instructions on the label:  

"Young trees need support, not restraint,   in order to grow large trucks and wide canopies. Some wind movement  is needed to stimulate caliper and strong root growth. This is why it is important that the tight nursery tape and restraining stick be removed when the tree is ready to plant."

The balance between support  and stimulating growth. This is the balance between  זריעה  - planting/growth and בנין - support/structure.  

Every child needs structure, but also “wind movement” and the ability to be whom he is meant to be- to grow according to the type of tree he is. 

But, what if we put all our sweat and tears into “growing” and “building” our child and yet he/she seems to be struggling despite all of our efforts? Rabbi Lawrence Keleman, in his book To Kindle A Soul reminds us that the planting process can be slow. He uses the example of the Chinese bamboo tree. A person can plant bamboo seed, water it, fertilize it for almost five years and nothing happens. Then in the fifth year, the bamboo tree grows and can shoot up to almost 96 feet.  If the person would have stopped watering and fertilizing it after year one, when it saw no growth yet, the tree would have died. It took five years of care for the tree to grow.  During those five years “deep roots are forming below the surface to support the large tree.”  For those of us putting more than our all into our children, and not yet seeing the progress we had hoped for, we need to recall the bamboo tree, and that all our efforts are making an impact, and eventually we will see growth. 

So, as parents, it may not be easy, but  let’s all put on our overalls and straw hats and start “growing” our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students discussed “classroom etiquette.” 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed the skills of resilience and what mindset is needed for perseverance. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed how they and their parents could better understand each other without having to switch bodies (like in the movie Freaky Friday).