Those of you who have been reading my column for some time know that for almost all of the past 20 years I have been at Yavneh I write a “post- Superbowl” column- things we have learned from the Superbowl. This year, I was inspired to write this “sports-related” column this week after watching the half-time show by Chazaq, featuring Rav Gav, Rabbi Pesach Krohn, Mr. Harry Rothenberg and Rabbi Yoel Gold. Some of their messages struck me as particularly related to the topic I had thought to write about this week- resilience.
I had planned to reference a football Superbowl video we show our students in their Advisory unit (that I often reference) “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity In Life.” I show them an old “commercial” from when the Giants were in the super bowl. This video speaks about how resilience is key to success in sports.
To be honest, I was never an athlete. But, it is true that being involved in athletics can teach our children so many life skills and is particularly good for our children who are very sensitive by nature and often give up easily. When you are playing sports you have no choice but to persist. (A reminder of the Jim Marshall anecdote, I quoted in a previous column that we talk about in Advisory. Jim Marshall was a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television! It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”) Sometimes you’ll score, and sometimes you won’t. Sometimes you will win, but more often you will lose. But, you can’t break down crying every time you miss or lose. That’s what sports is about.
In an article by the Thrive Gym called “Building Resilience In Kids - How Sports Can Help” the author discusses how sports can be life-changing for kids who need to learn resilience.
The very structure of sport requires its participants to practice resilience. Sports presents the opportunity to experience the challenge of overcoming obstacles, navigating setbacks and enduring failures. Shots are going to be missed, competitions are going to be lost and mistakes are going to happen. It is not a matter of “if”, it is simply a matter of “when”. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there is also the chance to feel the joy of learning, the satisfaction of progress and the high of winning. These two opposite experiences are paired together within sports. They provide children an opportunity to practice navigating a wide range of emotions and cultivating their response in a safe and controlled environment.
As parents, we have the ability to reinforce their resilience by how we react to their not giving up when they “fail.” So, each week when your child shows up to play, despite not winning the week before, or after a critique by a coach, or despite missing the all-important basket that could have won the game, that is courageous. As parents we can tell them that we are proud of their persistence, courage and resilience. Praise them and point out how proud you are that they pushed through despite the challenge. Your positivity will eventually become their “self-talk.” They will tell themselves that they are brave and they can do hard things because they have heard you praise them on the field after similar challenges.
We can also relay the message that confidence comes from practice and repetition. And, sometimes that practice is boring. Building confidence through repetition is an important skill. And, the same applies to all areas of their life- school too! Rabbi Krohn shared that we need to realize that the game is not only being won today- it’s being won for how they prepared for it days and years before. They have gone through 100s of drills and practices. That’s the best way to achieve success.
Losing helps us grow. Rav Gav quoted Vince Lombardi who said:”It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” He continued to quote Rav Hutner who quotes the pasuk in Mishlei 24:16:
כִּ֤י שֶׁ֨בַע יִפּ֣וֹל צַדִּ֣יק וָקָ֑ם
For a righteous man can fall seven times and rise
Rav Hutner says it does not mean “even though a tzaddik falls seven times he can get up.” Rather it means “because a tzaddik falls seven times he can get up.” It is the falling that causes a person to get up. Challenges are what allow us to grow and give us the opportunity to be better. As Rabbi Krohn said about difficulties, “Don’t just go through it- grow through it.”
When our children lose we should not minimize the loss by saying things like “It’s okay, the players were taller than your team” or the “referee made a bad call.” When they face loss they need to ask questions like “What can I do better next time?” When we get curious about these things, we stay in a mindset of resilience. We are willing to learn instead of shut down. By being willing to face the adversity of losing with curiosity, our children will be able to assess their performance and identify the things they can practice that are within their control. This helps them to process the pain of the loss and come out the other side with beneficial feedback.
These skills can apply to school as well. When receiving a low grade they will learn to ask, “What can I do better next time?” As parents, after comforting them, we can help them ask those questions.
Rabbi Krohn added one more item we learn from sports. In life, you sometimes need a coach to teach you the ropes. We don’t need to be embarrassed to ask advice from someone who is more experienced than we are. We constantly do this in sports…why are we hesitant to do this in other areas of our lives?
Without even watching the Superbowl (I must admit, I only watched the end) there are many lessons our children can learn from involvement in sports. More than the physical benefit, there are many life- lessons that they can gain as well.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students discussed how to develop positive relationships with teachers.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed how to manage when faced with a “dip” in life.
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