Parenting Pointers- Teen Arrested For Not Cleaning His Room!!!

“Teen Arrested for Not Cleaning His Room,” the headlines read in Stamford, Connecticut. As parents, there are probably times when we wish we could call in the reinforcements to help us get our teens to clean their rooms! The articles continues to describe how the teen then refused to allow the police to enter his bedroom stating that it was an invasion of his privacy. How many times have we begged our children to clean their rooms and heard, “Well, it's my room and it doesn't affect you in any way!” And, if we try to clean their rooms for them, (which we probably should not do), they claim it is their private, inner sanctum which we are invading.

Whether it's a disagreement about how many clothes are lying all over the floor, or arguing about what posters they are allowed to hang on their walls, the teenager's room is their, l'havdil, Kodesh Hakadoshim (Holy of Holies) which can be only entered by him- the kohen gadol- so to speak. Their room is important to them as it represents the place where they can be with their own thoughts and plan and dream about the future. It also represents the primary tasks of adolescence which are developing a sense of independence and developing a personal identity. The way their room is decorated represents who they are. When they need some “space” from other family members they run to their rooms.

The Chicago Sun-Times once ran a messiest teen bedroom contest. The winner stated, “If I really wanted to clean it, I could.” Not cleaning his room was one way of his asserting himself.

(In today's column I will focus on the cleaning of the room aspect. At another time, I will discuss the privacy issues).

How do we deal with the cleanliness issue?

1. We need to set up the expectations with our teens, (which may involve changing our expectations). Discuss and negotiate what a “clean room” means to you and how often this cleaning needs to take place. You make the final decision, but getting their input guarantees more buy-in from them. Make consequences a part of this discussion.
2. If the above agreement is not followed- the agreed upon consequences are put into place.
3. Let's not take their not cleaning their rooms personally. As I've mentioned before, the brain of the teenager is wired for chaos, as their prefrontal cortex- the part of the brain responsible for organizing and planning- is still underdeveloped. It is difficult for them to organize a mess.
4. Make cleaning as “fun” as possible. Put on music. Read books to them while cleaning- a strategy which works even better if you start it when they are younger.
5. Help them organize initially by making a place for each item. Organizing bins, shelves and even more hampers are ways to encourage neatness. Knowing exactly where to put each item helps them feel more organized and more prone to putting things away.
6. Some teens need to actually learn the steps of cleaning up. They look at their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. Some children need to learn “Step 1- Take all the shoes off the floor and put them on the shoe racks. Step 2- Put all dirty clothes in the hamper.” Just saying, “Clean your room” is not enough for some.

Dr. Michael Bradley, author of the book Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind, reminds parents, “The phrase we teach parents is, 'Your room makes me crazy, and I love you like crazy.' Separate the messy bedroom from the heart of the child. It's just not worth going to war over.” And, clearly not worthy of calling the police!

Parenting Pointers- The Penn State Scandal and Our Teens

The Penn State scandal serves as another teachable moment for our children. Whether or not they heard about it in the news or on-line, it reminds us as parents of the importance of talking to our teens about preventing abuse. The conversation may be difficult to have, but as the research indicates, it is essential in order for them to protect themselves. If we do not speak to our children about the topic of abuse in a frank manner, they will assume that it is a taboo topic. Consequently, if they ever confront a situation they are concerned about, they will hesitate to share it with us. We need to make it clear that although it might be uncomfortable to discuss, there is no topic that is off-limits- never.

The programs and conversations regarding abuse prevention in the past focused on “stranger danger.” Unfortunately, we realize today that 90% of perpetrators are people they trust and know. The first Penn State victim was 11 years old and met the abuser in camp. It was over a year after he had started spending time alone with him, and sleeping over in his basement until the boy came forward. He was even being taken out of classes to spend time alone off campus without the parents' permission. Embarrassment kept the boy from coming forward. Finally, hints to his parents led them to become suspicious. The mother then asked the school guidance counselor to speak with him and all was revealed. The shame was significant and he could not come forward. The victim said, “‘Well, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do, and you just can’t tell Jerry no,’” the mother reported.

Why don't children come forward when they are abused? A primary reason both boys and girls don't tell is because they do not know whether they will be believed.  Often the perpetrator is a beloved member of the community. The victim then feels powerless. Or perhaps the victim believes that he or she will be in trouble for causing this to happen to him/herself. Perpetrators also often threaten the child or his family. As I intimated earlier, there also is the problem of who a child can tell.  Children rarely initially tell a parent they have been abused as they are worried how their parents will react. Teens in general want to be independent and not rely on their parents to fix their problems. They therefore may feel they can handle the situation on their own.

Boys particularly tend not to come forward. First, society tells boys that they should not be victims. They need to fight back. Second, a boy is often afraid that if others find out that he was sexually abused by an adult male, they will think that he is a homosexual.  This often results in the male victim becoming further stigmatized.
In the Jewish community, there is the “shanda” factor, as Rabbi Mark Dratch, director of Jsafe notes. Rabbi Dratch describes this shanda as, “Denial and shame make the victims and the parents of victims reluctant to come forward. We like to portray an image of ideal communities.” There are even those hesitant to come forward because they think it is Loshon Hara (slander) or is being a moser (a forbidden informer). Child abuse is a crime and a clear violation of Torah and civil law. We as Torah observant adults know that we must report and let our children know that it is consistent with Torah values to report, even if the perpetrator is a religious leader.
What should we be doing as parents to ensure our children come forward when needed? We have that frank conversation and make it clear we will always believe them. What are some elements that this frank conversation should have?

1. Share with our children that they are in charge of their bodies. No one ever has the right to touch them or do anything that makes them uncomfortable.
2. They should trust their instincts. If something is making them “feel funny inside” then they should check with a trusted adult before they do it.
3. They should never allow anyone to trick or bribe them into doing something they do not want to do.
4. They have the right to say, “No”- even to adults if it is in a respectful manner. Provide them with some examples.
5. Stress that even someone who they know might hurt them. Our goal is not to make them paranoid, but to tell them that most people are trustworthy, however there are unfortunate exceptions.
6. They should never keep a secret from a parent. If someone asks them to do so, that is a clear sign they should tell a parent.
7. You will always keep them safe. Particularly if they are ever threatened, it is important for them to come to you.
8. Children need to see that talking about private parts when needed is not inappropriate. Starting from a young age, making sure to periodically utilize the correct names for private parts is essential to relaying the message that if you are having an issue involving those parts, they can speak to you and should. This use of language is also important when it comes to their not feeling embarrassed to come forward to you with medical concerns as they get older.
9. Highlight that there are different types of abuse. Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual. Speak to them about harassment as well.
10. On-line safety. We know that today perpetrators often connect on-line with children. They need to know not to communicate with someone you don't know on-line.
11. They should never agree to meet an adult alone in an area where no one is around.
12. As teens get older, discussions about abusive dating relationships are important, focusing on what makes a good, supportive relationship.
13. End the conversation by asking them if they have any questions. They may feel giggly and reluctant and that is okay.

Conversations such as these are particularly essential before going to camp or sleep-overs. As with all difficult conversations we have with our teens, our goal is to let them know we are always there for them with a non- judgmental, listening ear.

Parenting Pointers- The "Talk" With Your 8th Grader

Having the Big Talk With Your 8^th Grader

Have you had the “talk” yet with your 8^th grader? You probably have. No, I don't mean that “talk”- I mean the talk about which high school they are choosing. Some of you may be thinking that you are happy with the school to which your older children went, and this child will go to the same one. But, even if that is the outcome, the “talk” is an important one to have. This is the first big decision of your child's life. Talking through the decision with them is good modeling and training of how to make important decisions in life.

That is why this past week we had our first ever extensive 8^th Grade Orientation for parents. We discussed the practical aspects of applying to high school and of the 8^th grade year, in addition to how to choose a high school with your child. We discussed the concept of a school being a “Good Fit” for your child and your family. The research about child development, as quoted in the book The Picky Parent, isolates four categories

• What Your Child Learns – What aspects of the curriculum are essential. This include extra and co-curricular activities as well.
• How Your Child Learns: How do I want my child to be taught? These include your child's learning styles, motivation, personality and values.
• Social Issues: Who are the children my child needs to be with?
• Practical Matters: This includes finances, busing etc.
  For those 8^th grade parents who were unable to join us, please feel free to see me for additional folders with some of the information inside.

The importance of this high school decision in training for life decision making is also why “Choosing a High School” is our first unit in our 8^th grade Advisory program. In Advisory we actually do not teach the students that you need to have the talk with them. We teach them that they should have the talk with you. We discuss what considerations go into choosing a high school. First, what do they think high school is like? How do they envision high school and the high school experience? Second, how do they envision themselves in high school? What kind of person would they like to become in the next four years? This is a difficult conversation for some students who have never seriously thought about the person they want to be. This is the age when they can begin to think in this way. And, even if the high school decision is already made, it is good for your child to think about- how do I want to grow in high school? Of which opportunities should I take advantage? Should I wean myself from my present friends and look for ones who are a better influence on me? Do I want to become more independent and responsible in high school and rely less on my parents to help me with work? Do I want to take my religiosity more seriously? High school is an opportunity for our children to start fresh. We want them to take this step with thought about whom they can become.

These are some questions we have had them thinking about in Advisory and are good ones to guide your conversation with them:

1. What am I looking for in a high school?
2. What do I want to accomplish in high school- what can the school do for me?
3. What can I contribute to high school- what can they can from having me?
4. What affects my choice- where my friends go? Where my siblings went? If it's co-ed or not? If there is a strong athletics program? If there is a strong program that enriches my interests (i.e. drama,debate, choir)? What type of students go there? Does the size of the school matter (do they want a bigger pool of students, or a smaller school)? Are there other social issues to take into consideration?
5. How can parents and children make the decision together? Depending on the family children have more say than in others. Each family has to do what works for them. In Advisory we discuss how to have this give and take conversation with you.

If they and/or you are undecided, this is a great opportunity for modeling. Make a pros versus cons chart with them. Encourage them to call students they know in each school and help them formulate the questions they need to ask. Show them that adults too often have a hard time with decisions and there is a process to use.

In 8^th grade Advisory we also help them feel more comfortable about the interview, the BJEs and even filling out the application. However, we know that how to have the “High School Talk” with your parents is the most important element of Unit #1. We hope that they and you are prepared. Let me know how it goes.

The Blame Game and Teshuva

“But, Mom, I didn't do anything!” “She started it first!” “It wasn't my fault!' These are common refrains we hear often from our children. We turn to them and say, “Apologize to your sister.” And, we then hear those refrains again. This week, my Parsha and Parenting shiur was on the topic of life lessons that Teshuva can provide for us and our children. One aspect of Teshuva we discussed was the first step “Hakarat Hachet” “Recognizing the sin.” In this step, the person has to be able to acknowledge that he has done the wrong thing- not an easy task! Children often deny wrongdoing because they are afraid of our reactions or the consequences. However, the first step in fixing a wrongdoing is admitting you have committed one.

The Gemara in Yoma 22a highlights the need for this Hakarat Hachet when it comes to Teshuva. Shaul, who committed the sin of keeping Agag the Amalekite alive, was sentenced to death and the monarchy was taken away from his family. In contrast, David Hamelech, who was guilty of causing the death of Uriah Hachiti so he could marry Batsheva, was cleared and forgiven. The Maharsha asks why was Shaul was dealt with with more stringency? The difference was in their reactions to sin. When David Hamelech was told by Natan the Prophet that he had sinned he simply responded, “I sinned before G-d.” But, when Shmuel told Shaul his sin, Shaul responded, “ I sinned violating G-d's word,” and added the words, “for I was fearful of the nation, bowing to their demands.” Shaul blamed the Jewish people for causing him to sin. Dovid took responsibility for his mistake and did not attempt to shift the blame on anyone else.

So, the apology that we have forced our child to give to his sister is meaningless unless he can accomplish the first step of Teshuva, Hakarat Hachet. How do we get our children to take responsibility for their mistakes and end the “blame game”? 1. We need to normalize mistakes. We relay the message that people make mistakes- we all “mess up” at times. We will always love them no matter what mistakes they make. They will then feel more comfortable admitting that they were in the wrong. 2. When we hear them blaming another for their misdeed we need to point that out to them. “It's not about whose fault it is. It is about whose responsibility it is.” 3. The concept of free choice applies here as well. They had the choice to choose that behavior. No one forced them to choose that path. 4. We need to model taking responsibility for our own mistakes. We own up to our mistakes and apologize. Even and especially if it means apologizing to our children if it is warranted. Apologies to our spouses in front of the children is also an opportunity for modeling Hakarat Hachet. 5. When we notice our children involved in the wrong behavior, rather then pointing out what they have done we ask them, “What is it that you think you have done wrong?” The apology then must include that act of wrongdoing: “I am sorry that I took your skirt without permission.” Saying “I'm sorry” alone is never sufficient. This step forces them to “recognize” that which needs to be done differently the next time.

That is the beauty of Teshuva that we relay to our children. There is a “next time” with a clean slate. We, their parents, and G-d, the Parent of all, are always prepared to give them another chance.

Disconnect and Connect

PLEASE MAKE SURE TO WATCH THE VIDEO THAT I SENT YOU IN MY E-MAIL TO YOU BEFORE YOU READ THIS BLOG.

The video you just viewed was created by the Disconnect Revolution. Their website states the message of their video: “connect- verb-form a relationship or feel an affinity. With the advent of new technology, our lies should have become progressively simpler, happier and more connected. But is that what is really happening? Seems that with the myriad gadgets we invent to enable us to stay connected, the more disconnected we become. We might be attending a stimulating lecture, enjoying a night out with friends, yet our hands are tapping in text. We might be spending time at the park, watching our toddlers in the playground, but our fingers and our mind are distracted with 'important' matters. We could be sitting in a restaurant, soft music in the background, enjoying dinner with our spouse, yet each of us is glued our respective phones. Friends have forgotten how to communicate, to share a laugh or a muse. Couples connect through texts and not conversations. Parents spend more quality time with their phones than with their kids... It is time to take a stand. Time to disconnect even if only for one hour. One hour to disconnect... and reconnect. To focus on those most precious to us. Our families. Parents. Spouse. Children. Ourselves. And, of course, our Creator.”

The message relayed by Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein is a true but simple one. He is spearheading a Day to Disconnect on Oct. 2. (Which also happens to be Tzom Gedaliah). He is asking that on this day everyone voluntarily put down their “gadgets” for as much time as they can spare. (You can officially register for this mission at http://www.daytodisconnect.com/). A recent study stated that 84 % of people check their PDAs before going to bed and as soon as they wake up. (Is that before or after Shema and Modeh Ani?) 85% say they check it in the middle of the night. 80% even check their PDAs before their morning coffee! 1/3 of smartphone users would pick their Blackberries ove rtheir spouses if they had to choose one to live without. There is most definitely a new field in addiction called “cell phone addiction.”

When you get into a your car, you reach for it. When you take a break at work, you run to check it. We are hooked...not on cigarettes or even caffeine. On cellphones. Often, when our phones are not ringing we think they are- a phenomenon known as “phantom ringing.” Sociologist Jim Williams highlights that like many addictions, cell- phone addiction increases personal isolation. We actually do not have as many confidantes and close friends as our parents did. Dr. Sergio Chapparo, a professor at Rutgers University asked his 220 students to turn off their cellphones for 72 hours. Only three could do it. In a similar study done at the University of Maryland, where students were only asked for 24 hours and then asked to blog about it, some words they used to describe the experience were, “In withdrawal. Frantically craving. Very anxious. Extremely antsy. Miserable. Jittery. Crazy.” Sound like words associated with addiction to me! From where does this addiction come? In a 2010 New York Times article “Your Brain On Computers- Addicted to Technology and Paying a Price,” they explain that the stimulation triggers a “squirt” of dopamine which is a addictive. (Those who read my column on ½ Shabbat will recall the addictive nature of the cellphone for our teens).

What is the impact of this “addiction” on our families? Professor Sherry Turkle, director of the Mass. Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, stated that young adults whose parents were routinely distracted by these devices suffered feelings of jealousy and competition. She underscores the difference between being “available” and truly “present.” “If you're not going to be with me, don't be with me. But, if you are going to be with me, please be with me, and put that thing away.” Are we present with our children? Are we “with them?” Families with multiple communication devices are less likely to eat dinner together, which we know to be a predictor for resiliency in teens. They report that they are less satisfied with their family time. A 2009 article in the New York Times stressed the speech/language implications of parents constantly tuning into their cellphones, iPods etc. while pushing their children in strollers. “Parents have stopped having good communications with their young children, causing them to lose out on the eye contact, facial expression and overall feedback that is essential for early communication development.”

And, so this topic is an intuitive one. The program Sabbath Manifesto has even created cellphone sleeping bags- sacks to put cellphones in once week to take a break. We, as Jews, luckily have the Shabbat as a day we are forced to “disconnect.” The Gemara in Kiddushin 30b states, “Barati yetzer harah, Barati Torah tavlin.” “I created the evil inclination. I created the Torah as an antidote/cure.” The spiritual day of Shabbat serves as a cure for positive family connections. May this year be one of connections with our selves, families and Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

Keeping Our Children On the "Derech"

This week, I'd like to speak about my Amish “friend” again. (Clearly, my trip to Amish country made an impact on me!) As I shared with you last week, my family and I visited Lancaster this summer and went on an Amish buggy ride followed by a tour of an Amish farm. The driver sat my family next to him, and therefore, we had some time to “shmooze” in between his commentary. We asked him about his family. He said he had four children. The oldest is no longer Amish and drives a truck. My husband and I turned to each other with a smile and said, “He went 'off the derech'.” It made me wonder, what is it that turned that child off to the Amish way of life?

I began to think of a book I read some years ago called Off The Derech- Why Observant Jews Leave Judaism by Faranak Margolese. Ms. Margolese speaks of a phenomenon that terrifies us as Jewish parents and educators, “...After a while, I realized that at least 75% of my friends had been raised in observant homes, but were no longer observant themselves...I couldn't understand it. My friends had the best Jewish educations money could buy... They all had the tools necessary to continue observing Judaism... But they all had moved away...” Most of them went to shul Friday night or attended Friday night dinner, “but they were not living the halachically committed lives of their childhoods. They were connected without commitment.” She then decided to spend the next five years of her life researching, through surveying and interviewing formerly observant Jews why they left the path.

Ms. Margolese uncovered what she saw as the primary causes for this abandonment of Judaism. Many assume that it is lack of belief or an intellectual questioning that may lead to desertion. Not true. Others assume that it is the attraction of the other lifestyles which pulls deserters to leave. Also a myth. Rather, she feels that “the outside world did not pull them in, but rather the observant one pushed them out. They experienced Judaism as a source of pain rather than joy. So, they did what was natural: run in the other direction.” As I raise my children I consider her findings- is the Judaism I am presenting to my children one of joy? Do I appear to love my Judaism or is it a burden to me? Do I make it clear in the way I live my life that the Torah is a privilege? (Those who attended my pre-Shavuot shiur last year regarding how to prevent Judaism from being a burden will recall that there are numerous mistakes that we as parents make that may lead to their feeling that).

Off the Derech highlights many areas that need to be remedied by Yeshivot and parents to ensure that our children remain. One essential question Ms. Margolese highlights is, “Do my children feel that they are being forced into observance?” This question brought to mind my Amish “friend” again. The Amish practice what they call “rumspringa”- when for about two years adolescents are allowed to expose themselves to the outside culture before they fully accept the Amish way of life. I do not support such a practice in our culture, but the message is clear. They want the teens to fully accept it on their own, and not only because their parents tell them they must. In Judaism, we do believe that parents should enforce that their children follow halacha, but at the same time our children need to accept Torah in a more meaningful way, as they explore it and make it their own. As parents, we can accomplish this “ownership” by helping them explore Torah learning as we learn with them topics of their choosing outside of school. Not homework related. Not for a test. This is pure learning because it brings us joy. Hopefully, as they explore that Torah it will bring joy to them as well.

Ms. Margolese states in her concluding chapter, “Since they are born into our homes, schools and communities, since they are born neutral, ready to absorb what we give them, much is up to us. We play a significant role in creating their Judaism and defining their perception of it. It is frightening and exhilarating to realize how much influence we have- that we hold the keys to shaping their observance; that we are the Judaism our children experience; that we give them joy or pain, the knowledge or the ignorance, the pride or the shame.” As we lead our children on the path of life may we have the strength and wisdom to keep them “ on the derech.”

We've Got It Too Easy

We have it easy. Two events at the end of the summer reminded me of this truism. First, the end of the summer hurricane. Many are still recovering and will be for months. Most people in my neighborhood just suffered some power outages. However, those hours when we were powerless, we felt “powerless.” Small things like doing laundry, opening the door of your refrigerator and even watching television were appreciated. And, how we kvetched about the lack of power! All this was put into perspective when my family visited Lancaster immediately following the storm. We went on an Amish buggy ride and saw an Amish dairy farm. All the backbreaking work of farming without any electricity. No air conditioning. No cars. They truly “rough it” each day. They live their lives without electricity and we were crippled by a few hours or days without power. We most definitely have it easy!

In essence, the Amish have chosen to live as we did centuries ago without the developments we depend upon today. For our children, a day when they can't get reception on their smartphone is “roughing it.” I recently came across an article called, “Kids have it easy” written by the “Over 30 Crowd.” Speaking to the kids today he states, “You've got it so easy! And, I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! When I was a kid we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in a card cataloge. There was no e-mail!! We had to actually write somebody a letter- with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take a week to get there...There were no MP3's or Napsters. If you wanted music you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio... We didn't have call-waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal- that's it. And, we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss... You had to pick it up and take your chances...That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!”

Aside from the lack of dependence on technology, the Amish teenagers work the farms- boys and girls. They awake at 4:00 a.m. alongside their parents, and plow the fields with cattle. The work ethic is incredible. How many of our children truly know the meaning of hard work? As parents, we may be partially responsible as we require less from them than our parents did from us. And, so they have grown to believe that they should get everything for nothing. Working hard does not come naturally. It has to be taught. We need to teach our children that acquiring anything of value demands hard work and it will not come to you on a silver platter. The Amish have it right- chores. If children need to do chores they realize that, for example, if they don't wash the dishes, there will be no clean dishes to eat. In most of our homes, we ask our children to do minimal chores around the house, and even those simple requests become sources of battle with nagging, threatening and even bribing.

With the start of the school year, this topic of a strong work ethic becomes essential for a student's success. In USA Today Partick Welsh wrote an article, “For Once, Blame the Student.” He begins, “Failure in the classroom is often tied to lack of funding, poor teachers or other ills. Here's a thought: Maybe it's the failed work ethic of today's kids. That's what I'm seeing in my school.” He continued to say that he noticed that his American born students did not have the “motivation, self-discipline or work ethic of foreign- born kids.” He then quoted a study which attributed students falling short of their academic potential to “their failure to exercise self- discipline.” When American students are asked what the number one factor is in performing well in math, they state that a good teacher is the determining factor. Japanese students answered that “studying hard” was the factor. Students today are convinced that their effort is not what determines their grades and teachers have become responsible to motivate the child. Students, naturally, are looking to get out of hard work. We, as parents, need to make sure that we do not assist them with avoiding work.

These messages are important ones to speak about with our children as they begin a new year. We need to appreciate the “power” we have. Working hard is important despite how “easy” advancements have made our lives. A strong work ethic comes from the way we raise our children, and from within themselves.