In June, as the students waved goodbye and were off to their summer adventures, our faculty embarked on our own new adventure- on the Redhawks Read- Faculty Edition. Teachers were offered a selection of personal growth books suggested by administrators who also led discussion groups before starting the book and after reading the book over the summer, during the faculty in-service days last week. I chose to lead my session utilizing the book Happier by Dr. Tal Ben Shahar and had the privilege of about 25 faculty members joining me.
Why did I choose that book? I chose it so that faculty members could 1. Work on improving their own happiness and 2. Work on improving the happiness of their students. (Both equally important!)
I was introduced to the work of Dr. Ben Shahar some years ago in 2011 when I was working on a shiur on Chanukah and parenting and hakarat hatov- recognizing the good. I began with a basic quote from Ben Shahar: In research done by Robert Emerson and Michael McCullough, those who kept a daily gratitude journal – writing down at least five things for which they were grateful- enjoyed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being.
I then began reading his books, learning more from him. I then used his material to prepare for another shiur on Happiness. And, thus, the topic of my shiur was the “pursuit of happiness” words from our Declaration of Independence. How fitting as we celebrate 250 years of our country! Note that it does not say “pursuit of life, pursuit of liberty and pursuit of happiness.” It only says “pursuit” in relation to happiness. While I am not an American history expert, to me it seems that achieving happiness is hard work, and one must actively pursue it. (Ben Shahar spends much time in his book discussing that “here on earth we need to work to be happy.”)
Lo and behold, as I was preparing for my shiur, which of course would include some of Ben Shahar’s research, I came across an email in my inbox that Congregation Rinat Yisrael was hosting a book launch of the book An Ode to Joy- Judaism and Happiness in the Thought of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Beyond, a book of essays coedited by Erica Brown and Shira Weiss. I then continued reading and saw that the guest speaker would be Dr. Tal Ben Shahar who wrote the forward to the book!!! .
As I left Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, I stood on-line waiting to speak to him and for an autograph on his book Happier. When I approached him I shared that I am a psychologist in a school and I quote him often, utilizing his strategies in our Advisory curriculum, quoting him in my column, and just the day before I quoted him at least 3 times in a shiur I gave in the Fair Lawn community. He wrote to me, “Dear Aliza, Thank you for spreading joy and happiness in our world.” I told him, we are all working on it!
So, as we begin the school year, what can we as parents and educators do to bring more joy and happiness to our children- particularly when it comes to school?
Ben-Shahar uses the imagery of four types of burgers to illustrate four different models of how people pursue happiness.
The Junk Food Burger: It tastes great now, but hurts us later. That’s the Hedonist, chasing immediate pleasure without long-term direction.
The Cardboard Burger: Tastes terrible now, but it is healthy. That’s the Rat Racer, constantly suffering in the present for some future payoff.
The Worst Burger: Tastes bad and is unhealthy. That’s the Nihilist, who has given up present joy and future hope.
The Ideal Burger: Tastes delicious and is good for you. That’s the Happy Archetype—activities that give us present pleasure AND future meaning.
Ben Shahar says that unfortunately, many schools and parents unintentionally train students to become "rat racers"—people who sacrifice present enjoyment for the sake of future rewards (to achieve perfect grades, be in all honors classes, get into high school etc.) And, if that happens school then becomes a place dominated by anxiety, fear of failure and stress. Students then think that doing well on a test is true happiness.
The solution to this problem is to ensure that we balance present benefit (enjoyment of the process), with future benefit (long- term growth and success). And, so we need to not only focus on tangible grades, but also on the passion and enjoyment of learning. When external rewards are the focus, intrinsic motivation fades. And, so we at Yavneh try to focus on not only what is necessary to learn but to also partner that with a process that is enjoyable to learn.
As parents, we too need to focus on the excitement and enjoyment of learning with our children. Do we ask them questions about what they are learning just for the sake of discussing and noting how interesting we think what they are learning is, or do we only test them before an exam? We can even directly ask them each day, “Share something that you learned today,” and react with interest and follow-up questions.
And Ben Shahar shared, “Instead of asking children 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'—which focuses on future status—we should ask 'What brings you joy right now?' and 'What do you love learning about?' The former conditions them to live for the future; the latter invites them to inhabit the present." He also adds “Teachers and parents who model their own passion for learning, rather than acting as all-knowing authority figures, show children that education is an ongoing source of fulfillment, not a test to be passed."
In Avot 1:3 it states:
אַל תִּהְיוּ כַעֲבָדִים הַמְשַׁמְּשִׁין אֶת הָרַב עַל מְנָת לְקַבֵּל פְּרָס, אֶלָּא הֱווּ כַעֲבָדִים הַמְשַׁמְּשִׁין אֶת הָרַב שֶׁלֹּא עַל מְנָת לְקַבֵּל פְּרָס
Do not be like servants who serve the master in the expectation of receiving a reward, but be like servants who serve the master without the expectation of receiving a reward…”
Ben Shahar warns against turning education into a "Rat Race" where learning is merely a transaction to get grades, high school admission, or status. Pirkei Avot offers the same advice against outcome-only living: if you study or act only for the "reward" ( פְּרָס), the process loses its sanctity and joy. That is another way to look at the term תורה לשמה- learning for its own sake. When a child gets a test back we don’t run to ask “What grade did you get?” But rather, “What is the most interesting thing you discovered?”
Ben Shahar also highlights the importance of not eliminating all struggle or difficulty. We need to focus on a growth mindset, (Dr. Carol Dweck’s concept- which we have discussed often in this column)- where we frame setbacks and obstacles as opportunities for learning which leads to true self-esteem and satisfaction. This leads to building resilience and emotional well-being.
As parents, we too need to reframe setbacks as essential learning opportunities rather than proof of deficiencies. How do we react when our children come back with grades lower than we expected even after they have put in effort? And, as parents we need to be sure not to step in and “do work” for our children when they are struggling. Or, we can help them come up with a solution themselves. In a podcast I heard Dr. Ben Shahar say:
In addition to willpower, you need way power. Way power is, 'Yes, I can, and here is how I'm going to do it. If that doesn't work, here is how I'm going to do it.' This is plan C, if that doesn't work."
As it says in Megillah 6b:
אִם יֹאמַר לְךָ אָדָם: יָגַעְתִּי וְלֹא מָצָאתִי — אַל תַּאֲמֵן. לֹא יָגַעְתִּי וּמָצָאתִי — אַל תַּאֲמֵן. יָגַעְתִּי וּמָצָאתִי — תַּאֲמֵן
If a person says to you: I have labored and not found success, do not believe him. Similarly, if he says to you: I have not labored but nevertheless I have found success, do not believe him. If, however, he says to you: I have labored and I have found success, believe him.
Struggle is not proof of inadequacy. The work/labor is the source of growth. We need to praise productive struggles instead of stepping in and doing the work for them.
One way to achieve the enjoyment of learning is what Ben Shahar shares from psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi who speaks about entering a state of “flow.” Flow is “a state of deep immersion where skill level matches the difficulty of the challenge.” If a task is too difficult it causes anxiety and if it is too easy it causes boredom. As educators we attempt to create assignments and instruction that hit the “sweet spot” between being too comfortable and too anxious.
As educators we also try to include what Ben Shahar calls MPS (Meaning, Pleasure, Strengths) in the design of our lessons. Meaning- what brings a sense of purpose or importance to the students? Pleasure- what activities or topics do students enjoy? Strengths- what are the students’ natural talents and abilities. Yes, students will at times need to learn things that they do not enjoy, but teachers do try to include pleasure as much as they can. And, relevance to their lives brings meaning. As Ben Shahar says, “When they study and they ask or are asked, 'So how is that relevant to your life? Where does it meet you?” brings meaning.
As Shlomo HaMelech says in Mishlei 22:6- חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֖נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ גַּ֥ם כִּֽי־יַ֜זְקִ֗ין לֹֽא־יָס֥וּר מִמֶּֽנָּה -Teach a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not turn away from it. We need to discover what each child’s דרך is - his/her unique talents and capabilities and not force them into standard molds.
As parents, we need to help our children focus on their talents and abilities, and find opportunities for meaning, (our Chesed Team is a great outlet for meaning!) in their academics and besides their academics. Helping others not only brings meaning, but also improves one’s mood. As Ben Shahar notes, “...help others, suddenly I shift from being helpless to helpful, and that we know is closely associated with the shift from hopeless to hopeful."
As Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch says in Nineteen Letters, Letter 11, "You are given strength not to hold it tight within yourself, but to pass it on... The more you give, the more you grow in your own inner capacity.”
And, of course, before I end, let’s remember the quote from above that I used in the shiur in 2011: In research done by Robert Emerson and Michael McCullough, those who kept a daily gratitude journal – writing down at least five things for which they were grateful- enjoyed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being. Asking our children daily to share something for which they are grateful will increase their happiness.
As we begin the new school year and approach Rosh Hashana, may we help our children focus on intellectual challenge in their learning, along with present pleasure and meaning in order to experience a Happier New Year!
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students were introduced to the goals of Advisory and the theme of the sixth grade curriculum: “Do You Want To Succeed In Middle School?...Here’s How.” They got to know their Advisor and engaged in a getting to know you activity.
Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of 7th grade Advisory- “Prepare Yourself To Change The World,” and heard about the various projects they would engage in this year to put social emotional strategies into action.
Eighth Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of 8th grade Advisory- “Preparing For Life After Yavneh” and their Advisors and did a getting to know you activity.
