In last week’s column, we discussed how to help our children have a happier new year. As we approach Yom Kippur this evening, many of us have a feeling of worry or even anxiety about how to achieve true Teshuva and G-d’s forgiveness and regarding our fate this coming year. How can we reconcile that feeling of fear with the happiness I discussed in my column last week?
In fact, I was privileged to give a shiur to our faculty members this past week and the topic was משנכנס תשרי מרבין בשמחה “When the month of Tishrei begins, one increases rejoicing?!” Yes, the reader might notice that this quote is incorrect and the correct quote from .תענית כט is:
מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אֲדָר מַרְבִּין בְּשִׂמְחָה.
Yes, I did take some poetic license- as my quote is found nowhere- and I substituted Tishrei for Adar, but no, I did not make a mistake. I am going to prove that משנכנס תשרי מרבין בשמחה- the month Tishrei, including Yom Kippur, is a month of happiness. (I will choose some quick highlights of the shiur!)
We generally think of Purim and Adar as the happiest times of year. Interestingly enough, the Zohar points out that there is some connection between the ימים נוראים themselves and Purim, as Yom Kippur is also called יום כפורים- a day like Purim. Interestingly enough, there are two other commonalities between Purim and Yom Kippur-
In the davening of both Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur we use the word “ובכן”, “and so…” Avudraham points out that the word “ ובכן” was also used by Queen Esther as she prepared to go to go before King Achashverosh in Megillat Esther, 4:15-16: Then Esther said to reply to Mordechai: “Go assemble all the Jews that are to be found in Shushan, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day: And I, with my maids will fast also, and so (u’vchen)וּבְכֵ֞ן אָב֤וֹא אֶל־הַמֶּ֙לֶךְ֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר לֹֽא־כַדָּ֔ת וְכַאֲשֶׁ֥ר אָבַ֖דְתִּי אָבָֽדְתִּי׃
I will go to the king, though it is against the law: and if I perish, I perish.” As we stand before Hashem, the Supreme king of kings, we begin with the same word that Esther used before standing before the human king, Achashveirosh.
Also, both Purim and the teshuva season of Yom Kippur both have a גורל- a lottery. Purim has Haman’s lottery and Yom Kippur has the lottery choosing which goat is שעיר לעזאזל (pushed over a cliff as an atonement) and שעיר לה (sacrificed in the Beit HaMikdash)
What is the connection between the happiest day of the year, and this most solemn time of the year?
. Teshuva has the same power of ונהפוך הוא as typified in the megilla- the ability to turn it all around for the better, no matter how forgone things seem, which is a source of joy.
Rabbi Immanuel Bernstein points out that the time period from Elul (when the “teshuva season” begins) through Yom Kippur in particular is meant to represent Teshuva from joy and not fear. He proves this from Rashi in Devarim 9:17. Moshe went up to G-d twice after the sin of the golden calf. The first time, was from the 18th of Tammuz until the 29th of Av. Rashi there says that “G-d was reconciled with Israel.” But, then for some reason he goes up another time and stays there for another 40 days- from the 1st of Elul until Yom Kippur. And, that time,
בּוֹ בַיּוֹם נִתְרַצָּה הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לְיִשְׂרָאֵל בְּשִׂמְחָה On that very day, the Holy One, blessed is He, was joyfully reconciled with Israel, It was only on Yom Kippur when He forgave the Jewish people with joy.
It is quite possible for a person to repent his sins, to the point that Hashem will not punish him, and yet still not reach a stage where he has reestablished any meaningful relationship with Him.
This corresponds to the middle set of forty days, where Hashem was reconciled toward Israel, but not yet truly happy with them. The focus of this type of teshuvah is more on “getting out of trouble” than it is on repairing one’s connection with the Divine. This is a reasonable depiction of a typical act of teshuvah done during the year.
The period beginning with Elul represents aiming toward something higher. It corresponds to the final set of days on Mount Sinai, which culminated in Hashem being “reconciled with us with joy,” and ready to resume His loving relationship with His people. Indeed, it was only after Yom Kippur that we were told to build the Mishkan, which is a demonstration of Hashem’s love through His Divine presence dwelling among us.
So, now that I have proven that Yom Kippur and the Teshuva season of Elul and Tishrei are times of joy, what are some practical ways we can not focus on the depression and fear and find that joy? In my shiur, I highlighted four different psychological theories that allow us to find joy in Teshuva. I will focus on one this year. (And, save the rest for future years!)
Growth Mindset And Teshuva: Dr. Carol Dweck in her book Mindset- The New Psychology of Success speaks about the difference between a growth mindset- the ability to reframe perceived failures as opportunities to learn and grow versus the fixed mindset- the belief that your basic qualities, like your intelligence or talent, are static traits that cannot change or improve.
And, so a person with a fixed mindset finds the season of Teshuva as depressing, sad and scary- I can never improve. I am constantly failing. A person with a growth mindset believes that there is always a chance to improve and to grow- it’s never too late. Here are some quotes from Dr. Dweck’s book explaining further why that is.
“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.” And, so one does not feel disappointed or like a loser when one sins- we can always improve.
“ …In the growth mindset, failure can be a painful experience. But it doesn’t define you. It’s a problem to be faced, dealt with, and learned from.” So, just because I sinned in the past doesn’t mean I am evil, a sinner.
“In the fixed mindset, everything is about the outcome. If you fail—or if you’re not the best—it’s all been wasted. The growth mindset allows people to value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome . They’re tackling problems, charting new courses, working on important issues. Maybe they haven’t found the cure for cancer, but the search was deeply meaningful.” Even though I am constantly trying and not there yet- no need to give up and feel terrible about myself.
“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.” Often when we get to this Teshuva time of year we feel upset and dejected- I couldn’t do it last year- I couldn’t stick to it this year- why even bother! But, someone with a growth mindset believes in stick -to itive ness- and there is always a chance.
“Becoming is better than being…The fixed mindset does not allow people the luxury of becoming. They have to already be.” It is okay to still be on the journey of Teshuva- as long as you are trying.
“Is there something in your past that you think measured you? A test score? A dishonest or callous action? Being fired from a job? Being rejected? Focus on that thing. Feel all the emotions that go with it. Now put it in a growth-mindset perspective. Look honestly at your role in it, but understand that it doesn’t define your intelligence or personality. Instead, ask: What did I (or can I ) learn from that experience? How can I use it as a basis for growth? Carry that with you instead.” We don’t feel depressed because of mistakes or sin. We need to see how failure can help us grow.
“When do you feel smart: when you're flawless or when you're learning?.. For them it’s not about immediate perfection. It’s about learning something over time: confronting a challenge and making progress.” That is what Teshuva is all about- it is a process, it is not easy and it need not be immediate.
“Another way people with the fixed mindset try to repair their self-esteem after a failure is by assigning blame or making excuses.” That is another reason why the time for Teshuva is so hard- we blame ourselves, we make excuses. Just admit failure is okay- no need to blame.
Dr. Dweck also speaks about the power of yet: “[I]f you get a failing grade, you think, I’m nothing, I’m nowhere. But if you get the grade ‘Not Yet’, you understand that you’re on a learning curve. It gives you a path into the future.” This attitude- the power of yet, allows us to remain more positive when attempting to do Teshuva.
The power of yet is seen in אבות ה:כג . It is the effort and the hard work, not the achieving perfection that is the reward. בֶּן הֵא הֵא אוֹמֵר, לְפוּם צַעֲרָא אַגְרָא:Ben He He said: According to the labor is the reward. The reward stems from the effort, not the results.
Rabbi Dr. Yosef Lynn writes in his article. “Yet- A Jewish Perspective on Growth Mindset” As you navigate your own growth journey, remember: the path isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. Every challenge you face is an opportunity to choose: Will you see this as evidence of your limitations, or as a chance to expand your capabilities? And the next time you catch yourself saying “I can’t,” try adding that transformational word: “yet.” In that simple addition, you’ll find not just a change in language, but a change in possibility—and perhaps, a return to one of Judaism’s most fundamental truths: we are all works in progress, beautifully and eternally unfinished.
And, so, as we approach Yom Kippur in just a few hours, and engage in the process of Teshuva during this time of year, and every day, if we implement Dr. Dweck’s growth mindset and strategies we will hopefully, experience as Rav Kooks says in Orot HaTeshuva 16:3, “ …the great happiness that a person should sense in himself, with great satisfaction, as a result of … when the spirit of sanctity and purity of repentance rests upon him…”
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Sixth graders looked at the Success Guide consisting of tips for success from last year’s sixth graders and chose some strategies they wanted to work on, and sealed them in an envelope to be opened at the end of the year.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed how the theme of their Advisory this year “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” can be applied to this season of the Yamim Noraim- starting with “self-change.”
Eighth Grade: Students learned about the importance of grit and S.M.A.R.T. goals, and set some goals for the year which they scheduled to be emailed to them the day of graduation - to see how many of their goals they achieved.
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