Saying "I'm Sorry" and Taking Responsibility

 “This is my confession... I will take responsibility for what I have done.” What are the chances of hearing those words on a video featured in media this week during Aseret Yimei Teshuva? These are not the words of a rabbi urging his congregation to Teshuva. This was a headline newsstory. The moment I saw it I thought, “This is a perfect topic for Advisory and for Aseret Yimei Teshuva.” What could be better than combining a Torah lesson with a social/emotional skill? In this week's 8^th grade Advisory we were able to do so.

The lesson began by showing the students a segment of that video clip that has had been viewed on Youtube 1.9 million times in the past week. The clip can be found in many places, but originally appeared on the website “because I said I would.” You can view the video at http://becauseisaidiwould.com/saveyourvictim/ . The video features Matthew Cordle who killed Vincent Canzani in a hit and run while drunk driving in June. Since then, he had not come forward until posting this video of himself on the website confessing to killing Canzani. The website becauseisaidiwould.com was started by Alex Sheen in memory of his father. It is focused on having people “make commitments for themselves and their goals using index cards” called “promise cards” that say on them “because I said I would.” In his video, Matthew Cordle was holding up a promise card that said on it “I will take responsibility for what I've done.” Cordle was arraigned two days ago.

Some of the questions we wanted the students to consider were: Why do you think Cordle confessed? Was it because he knew he would be caught? Was it self-interest as he thought that juries may feel bad for him and then give him a lighter sentence? Why did he wait so long to come forward? Was it difficult for him to live with the guilt? Do you think his confession was sincere? Why did he confess on a website and not just call the family directly and turn himself in? If you confess only because you are afraid of punishment does it count? Cordle's blood-alcohol content was 0.19 percent following the crash, more than double the level of intoxication for Ohio. Cordle says he made a mistake. This mistake took another man’s life. Can he ever undo what he has done? Does a confession do that? Does confessing that he did wrong erase all that he did? Mr. Canzani's ex-wife calls Cordle “an honest man”- do you think he is an honest man? One article about him uses the word “hero.” Is he?

I wanted the students to consider how difficult it is to admit one has done wrong and all the reasons why one would do so- some selfish reasons as well. We also asked them to contemplate what it takes to be brave enough to do so. In their own lives, when they do admit they have done wrong, does the transgression disappear?

We were then able to bring this discussion around to how it applied to them as Jews. Do you think that Jews believe that if you admit something, and regret, and promise not to do it again you are cleared from it? They were asked to think about what a gift Teshuva is that it allows us to start with a clean slate. However, the Teshuva must be sincere. What if Teshuva is not sincere- i.e. you are only doing it because you are afraid of punishment- does it work? The Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 4: 1 specifically notes, “There are 24 deeds that hold back Teshuva...One who says, 'I will sin and then, repent.' Included in this category is one who says, 'I will sin and Yom Kippur will atone [for me].'” So, if one sins counting on the fact that if he will confess all will forgive, will that repentance work? (Although we did not bring it up in Advisory, thinking about Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer, we can realize that admitting you are sorry does not always allow you to erase that which you have done. This is an interesting conversation to have with our older children).

As parents, we can teach and model what it truly means to admit one is wrong. Teshuva provides the perfect template for that admission. The steps are consistent with what any therapist might learn in a workshop on learning to take responsibility for one's actions. Dr. Michele Borba in her book Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, highlights the five steps to giving a sincere apology. I am going to focus on the three main steps: According to her they are: “1. Think about what you did wrong 2. Say what you are sorry for. 3. Tell how you are going to make things better.”

It suspiciously sounds as if Dr. Borba got her steps from the steps of Teshuva. First, one must recognize that one has done something wrong- הכרת החטא. That is often the hardest step as we are often in denial regarding our misbehaviors. Most children say, “It was not me!” or “It was his fault!” We need to help them stop the “blame game.” Then one must regret one's deed and disown his/her behavior-עזיבת החטא/ חרטה. The next step is confessing aloud- וודוי. And, then ensuring that one will never do the behavior again- קבלה על העתיד. A great way to react when a child blames another for an event is to respond, “What can we do to make sure this won't happen again?” (Interestingly enough, assuming Cordle was sincere, he actually did go through the above steps of Teshuva).

When we learn about Teshuva with our children we point out that we can apply the lessons of Teshuva to our everyday lives, at any age and with our interactions with peers. These steps are not simply for the Aseret Yimei Teshuva. We know that these steps are difficult for us as adults. By asking our children the right guiding questions we can train our children from a young age to effectively admit they are wrong, take responsibility for their actions, and thereby become better people.

Matthew Cordle promised to take responsibility for his actions. We ended the session with our 8^th graders by presenting the students with their own Promise Cards. We asked them to each pick a goal to change something or to do something differently this year to make themselves better people. By making a “promise” to themselves, we empower our children to take responsibility for their growth and their actions on the path to self-improvement.

Self-control Strategies For Success

You can probably hear that familiar voice in your head. The conversation is a yearly one. “What can I/you do differently so that I/you can have a more successful year?” This might be a conversation you have with your child at the end of the summer before school begins. (Yes. He makes it clear that he has no desire to have this conversation!) Or, it might be a conversation you have with yourself (or your child), as Rosh Hashana and the Yamim Noraim approach. This year, as the beginning of the school year and the Yamim Noraim practically coincide, we are reminded of how both the beginning of school and the beginning of the Jewish year are opportunities to start fresh.

Each year we speak to our students about spending some time thinking about how they can do things differently this year. Much of what they highlight is wishing that they had more self- control. If only I was able to watch less TV or text less or spend less time playing games, and to study more in advance with less procrastinating. Or if I could resist the temptation of my friend in class who distracts me. Or perhaps they wish they could stop some of their bad habits when it comes to studying – if only I could be more organized so I wouldn't lose my papers. If only I could use my planner better. If I had more self-control and could resist temptation, then I could be a more successful student.

This theme fits in perfectly with the theme of Teshuva as we embark upon Rosh Hashana.. If only I could have more self-control and resist temptation, then I could overcome my bad habits and become a better person.

Rabbi Dovid Gottleib, in his article “Strategic Teshuva” stresses that in order to overcome temptation one must ask oneself the following questions “When do I fail like this? What is in the environment? What else has happened that day? Under which specific circumstances do I fail? And, what can I do to change those circumstances?” He calls this technique of changing the circumstances in which we fail “Strategic Teshuva.”

When attempting to change habits or even sinful behaviors we need to identify the triggers for those behaviors. Is the trigger for misbehaving in class sitting next to the chatty classmate? Is the laziness I sometimes feel when it comes to becoming better triggered by surrounding myself with computer games? Is the trigger for my angry outbursts my exhaustion leading to a lack of patience or even the time of day I leave for work which is guaranteed to be a time of traffic?

It is difficult to change behaviors if the triggers still exist, therefore our goal is avoid the triggers. Change the environment (i.e. move your seat in class). Surround yourself with people that are moving towards doing better.

If one cannot change the environment, one should add something to the environment to strengthen oneself, to make it easier for him/her to do the right thing. Set an alarm to go off when you have had enough computer time. Call your friend, (hands-free, of course), who you know will calm you down during traffic. Switch your minyan to a minyan where people tend to have more kavana for tefillah.

“The key is to control the environment by avoiding some things and creatively adding others so that it will be easier to do the right thing.” Rabbi Gottleib adds that some may see this “strategic Teshuva” as a cop-out. It seems as if we are running away from our problems and not overcoming our temptations- just avoiding them. He responds that our first responsibility is for our actions. And, “often we can only overcome the desire if we have a respite from the wrong actions. As long as the bad habits and midot are active it is very difficult to gain control.” By avoiding the temptations our ultimate goal is to be immune to temptations and to exert more self-control. The first step to complete Teshuva is Strategic Teshuva.

When contemplating how to improve ourselves or our children as people, or how to help them become better students, we first need to help them identify their temptations. When meeting with a student, the first question I ask him is, “What do you think is standing in your way?” Until they identify those obstacles change is not possible.

There is one more element we can add to the chances of success in resisting temptation. Dr. Peter Gollwitzer speaks of “implentation intention.” If a person makes specific plans to achieve a goal he has set, those intentions increase the chances of his achieving the goal if he also is able to foresee obstacles to that goal- the temptations. If there is a temptation a person is trying to resist, one should first form an implementation intention by thinking specifically about the temptation and about the situation where he is most likely to encounter that temptation. Then, one must resolve to stick to one's goal even in the face of temptation, and make a specific plan to stick to the goal. The example given is with a group of women who were dieting. Those who were able to foresee the foods that would be tempting to them, imagine where they will encounter such food, and assert in their minds that they will still stick to their diets, were more prone to stick to their diets when encountering the tempting foods.

When working with teens, I often like to use images from sports as examples. (Although, I often need to consult with the student before making the analogy, as I am not known for my sports knowledge!). In sports, when the coach calls the team into the huddle to draw up the play, he is attempting to help them envision what the the other team may do, and what they can do to preempt them. Visualization is a technique often used by athletes where they imagine their competitive scenario and “see” the outcome in the most positive manner possible. It can help improve outcomes. As parents, we coach our children to draw up “X's” and “O's” to plan strategies for victory.   

At this Rosh Hashana, when we make New Year's resolutions to resist temptation to sin, we need to utilize some “Strategic Teshuva” while we envision possible temptations and triggers, and craft an environment for success. Likewise, when we sit with our children to assist them in resisting the temptations in their lives, let us help them set their goals, identify their temptations and triggers that might stand in their way, and then plan practical strategies for avoiding those triggers. Only then can we lead them towards success in school and, more importantly, towards effective Teshuva and growth.

Shana Tova.  

The Pre-summer Talk With Your Teen

            As educators, we spend much of the last day of school reflecting on all that we have accomplished this year, (and then on what we want to do better next year!).  The first piece of this reflection is taking a step back, and simply watching the students as they sit in the end of the year assembly.  I take the time to recall each child's first days of school this year, and how much he/she has grown and changed.  I make mental notes of all their accomplishments, and then try to tell them personally what I have noticed.

  As parents, we try to do this as well. In my family, we have a celebratory dinner where we speak of what we have accomplished.  I make every effort to not focus on the grades- with my own family and with my students- but to rather focus on the work they did on the character traits, the effort, the changes in study habits, the growth in how they treated others and their increased taking of responsibility for themselves.  This is the first “talk” we will have with our children as the year comes to a close.

            The second “talk” we then have with our children, (in between countless trips to Target for camp supplies), is preparing them for camp. I want to stress that this “talk” should happen every year despite your child's having gone to camp many times before.   There are a number of challenges kids face when either at day camp, sleepaway camp or just “hanging around.” This is our chance to help them prepare for those challenges. As a reminder, here are some aspects to highlight.

            The first most essential component is to recall that no matter how organized and supervised camp is, camp is still a largely less supervised and less structured setting. In addition, despite much improved and exemplary efforts of camps to hire and to train their staff, our children are mainly supervised by teenagers who are only a few years older then themselves and may not have fully-developed, adult decision making skills.  We therefore need to remind them of the importance of keeping themselves safe, and telling a trusted adult when they do not feel safe.  “Safe” means physically or emotionally.  If they simply have a sinking feeling that things are not going they way they would like them to, they need to tell someone. Especially for our children who are going to sleepaway camp, this is an important conversation.   We are not around to be their “trusted adult.” Who will their “trusted adult” be?  What if the someone  who is “bothering” them is their counselor or an adult in the camp? Our goal is not to scare them, but in a more low intensity manner and in a matter of fact way share with them to whom they can go.

            This safety talk relates to generally not engaging in risky behaviors.  (Ex. Not going off to the woods when not with their group etc.).  Risky behaviors also include alcohol and other drugs.  I also want to share a link to a game that teens have been playing called The Choking Game.   Please watch the video and add it to your list of risky behaviors to discuss with your children. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=space+monkey++chocking+game&view=detail&mid=F44DDAAA9AB77562CB8EF44DDAAA9AB77562CB8E&first=0&FORM=NVPFVR&qpvt=space+monkey++chocking+game

 Safety, of course, relates to a frank conversation about abuse.  We have had these talks with the students in school, but it bears repeating.  Abuse can range from verbal, physical to sexual abuse.  Perpetrators can be adults or peers.  Children should realize that they should not tolerate anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. We frankly discuss with the students situations like, someone opening the shower curtain when we are showering as a “joke” or going off with someone (adult or peer) without a group.  We need to highlight that even if someone we care about or whom we like is making us feel uncomfortable we need to tell someone.

            As parents, we need to feel empowered as well.  A friend of mine shared that her daughter in day camp told her that the male bus counselor was sitting close to her and stroking her hair.   Despite the fact that this may have been innocent, camps need to be informed. What is the supervision like when children are changing in after swim in the locker rooms?   We should never feel hesitant to share concerns. 

            We all know the amount of time we spend in schools stressing respect and not bullying other children.   In the same way, children should be reassured that bullying is not tolerated in camp either.  The “prank” that goes just too far is not acceptable just because it’s camp.  Please make it clear to your child that they should never tolerate being bullied or the bullying of others. 

            There are other aspects of camp that can be challenging for some.  The social component can be a challenge as camp is much more social than school.  Issues like kids in the bunk not getting along with each other, making friends when you don’t really know anyone, or branching out and making new friends  are all examples of some situations to be talked about.  Athletics can be a challenge for other students. Some kids are not as athletic as others or do not enjoy sports, and find camp difficult for that reason.   There may be some students going to sleepaway for the first time. Homesickness is an issue.   All of the above make up the “pre-camp talk.”

            Then there is the last “talk” of the summer. This one usually happens a few weeks before school.  We sit down with our children and set goals for the coming year. What would I like do work better on this year that did not quite work out last year?  Are there systems that I want to put into place so that I am better organized? Do I want to work harder at my in-class behavior and monitoring my own attention in class?  Do I want to stop procrastinating and study for things in advance?  It is a sort of  “new year’s resolutions” activity. But, more important than setting the resolutions is planning practical ways to implement realistically achievable goals.  As we teach the students in Advisory, goals should be SMART: 

Savvy-  Easy to understand, not at all vague, specific and in the realm of possibility. 

Measureable-   Be specific about the outcome you expect.  The destination should be clear.

Active -  Goals should tell you about what action you must take to get there.  Verbs should be in sentence.

Reachable-  Although goals stretch you, they should be in your reach.  Ask yourself, “Do I feel I can attain this goal?  Is it realistic for me?  Am I comfortable with this challenge?”  It’s hard to stay motivated if your goals seem unreachable.

Timed- Have a clear deadline set- a specific date.  These dates motivate you. 

            So, you thought that once you had that  “puberty talk”  you were done  or יוצא            for all time?  Sorry. No such luck.   Our job as parents is to keep on talking.  They may pretend they are not listening, but they hear every word we say.

It is hard to believe that this is the last Parenting Pointers blog of the year.  School has ended and we are busily shopping, packing and schlepping duffles.  If I may, I’d like you to take a break to read this column, as it stresses some other preparations for summer that are essential for parents.  This week’s column is about the “talks” we need to have with our children before they leave to camp and before they begin school again at http://parentingpointersfrohlich.blogspot.com .

Thank you to all of you who have been loyal readers all year, and especially to those of you who have e-mailed me comments and responses. 

Best wishes for a wonderful and relaxing summer of  (no homework!!) and enjoying your children.

Dr. Aliza Frohlich

The Sound of Music and Raising Jewish Souls

As you know, during this past month our middle schoolers have had their Adolescent Life workshops which covered topics related to physiological, emotional and social issues related to puberty. Our 8^th graders had their sessions this past week which focused the Jewish view of relationships. The boys had one session with Rabbi Knapp and one Q and A session with Rabbi Shalom Baum. The girls had one session with me and a Q and A with Mrs. Shoshana Samuels and Mrs. Shira Schiowitz. The students had the opportunity to gain a sensitivity to Judaism's view of relationships. They also at the same time gained the understanding that as they grow into adulthood there are special people in communal roles to whom they can turn with their questions. As they get older, they need to find Torah role models they can approach with serious questions. The most important message they received was that Judaism has something to say about every aspect of their lives.

In my session with the girls, I began with an exercise. I asked them to think about a recent television show or movie they watched in which there was a male-female relationship. I asked them to describe the two characters in the relationship and describe the relationship itself. This exercise always creates lots of chatter and inevitably the relationships are described as “purely physical,” “temporary,” “love/hate” etc. We then discuss whether the relationships we see on TV are real. I ask the girls to think about the impact of what we grew up watching on our views of what relationships should be. What messages do they send to us about the role of women and men? Then, we discuss what a Jewish relationship is. We don't deny the importance of the physical, but the physical devoid of the emotional and spiritual is worthless, dangerous and even emotionally damaging.

This year, we spoke about the lyrics in the music to which they listen. They brought up the “inappropriateness” of much of the lyrics- even on the “lite” stations, (although they don't actually listen to the radio). It would have been an interesting exercise for them to go home and go through all the songs on their iPods. What messages are the songs relaying to them about what kind of women they are supposed to be to attract men? I spoke about the songs we listened to growing up in the 80's. What contrast!

The impact of the sexual content found in today's music on teens has been a topic of much research of late. As parents we are often unaware of the music our children are listening to as increasingly they can download it and listen to it with headphones without our involvement. The research indicates that lyrics have become more explicit when it comes to references to drinking/drugs, sex and even violence. A 2009 study looked at the "Billboard Hot 100" most popular year-end songs from 1959, '69, '79, '89, '99 and 2009 using 600 songs. Looking only at the lyrics, the researchers coded each song for references to sexual topics. The topics they coded for are too graphic for this column. The researchers also took note of lyrics suggesting that "a person's value comes only from his or her sexual appeal" or that "a person is held to a standard of beauty equating physical attractiveness with being sexy," among other messages. In 2009, three times as many top songs contained sexual references compared to all the decades before it, the researchers reported in the journal Sexuality and Culture.

Exposure to sexual messages and sexual stereotypes affects behaviors and attitudes of young people. Lyrics that are overly sexualized lead teens to judge their own personal worth on a sexual level only, leading to poor body image, depression and dangerous behaviors. “Popular music teaches young men to be sexually aggressive and treat women as objects while often teaching young women that their value to society is to provide sexual pleasure to others.” As parents, it is essential for us to take a stand regarding what lyrics our children can listen to. Lead author of one study, Steven Martino, said that, "Boys learn they should be relentless in pursuit of females, and girls learn to view themselves as sex objects. The study recommends that parents set limits on what music their children can purchase and listen to and be careful not to listen to sexually degrading music when their children are around.” On the most basic level, studies indicate that as parents we need to discuss the lyrics to which our kids are listening with them. We spend so much time worrying about what they are watching on TV and what they are doing on the internet that we forget to check out their playlists.

In 2004, just 18 percent of kids aged 8 to 18 owned MP3 players. By 2009, the number was up to 76 percent, found a 2010 study by the Kaiser Family Foundation. And, we know those statistics are now outdated, and the advent of iPods and smartphones has increased the numbers. Even though parents often set limits on the amount of time their kids can spend watching TV, playing video games and surfing the Internet, just 10 percent of youth in the study reported having restrictions on the amount of music they listened to.

These studies, as I point out indirectly to the girls in my conversations with them, are not done by religious people. It is not only an Orthodox Jewish halachic issue. But, how much more so does this issue relate to us as Orthodox Jews. What does Judaism tell me about what it means to be a woman? A man? Aside from the sexual messages, most relationships in the music have “commitment issues.” Even the most clean music there is bound to be someone cheating on someone else who “done me wrong.” What does that tell our children about the seriousness of a relationship?

Kids may claim, “I don't really pay attention to the words. I am listening for the beat.” Studies indicate the contrary. Even if they do not understand what every word means they get the general message. The research demonstrates that there the messages they are getting are often subconscious. They give them an understanding and expectation of what is normal and expected from them whether they realize it or not. And, many a time in the various settings in which I have worked I have been with teenagers and I hear the students break into a song that does not reflect Jewish values.

The recording industry will not practice censorship. They have created the Parental Advisory Label (PAL) which is placed on a record based on the decision of the individual recording company and artists on a voluntary basis. But, even that label is subjective and not foolproof.

As Jews, we know of the centrality of music. We know that in the Beit HaMikdash, music was an essential component of Avodat Hashem. And, clearly music affects one's mood and mental state, as we know young Dovid played the harp for King Shaul as he was in a state of “melancholy.” Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi stated, “If words are the pen of the heart, then song is the pen of the soul.” The music we listen to connects to our souls. As parents, we want to safeguard the souls of our children by monitoring the music that enters their neshamot. 

Empowering Our Teens To Unite And Be The Change

 “If you want to make the team, you don't need happiness or self-esteem...If you want to teach success, don't use sympathy or tenderness.” This are the words of Miss Trunchbull to a young teacher in the Broadway musical Matilda. As I watched the show yesterday, these words struck me as someone who works in a school where we educate with “sympathy and tenderness” to have students who leave us with “happiness and self-esteem.” For those who are not familiar, the show “Matilda” is based on the book by Roald Dahl. Dahl is known for writing novels for young adolescent readers, (although the Broadway show may not be appropriate for younger viewers- see www. commensensemedia.com), with protagonists who are at the same psychosocial developmental stages as the readers. As Erik Erikson maintained, children in these middle school years and beyond are experiencing “identity versus role confusion,” and are engaged in the important task of establishing themselves as independent and self-reliant. This is particularly challenging for young adolescents as this is the time when their self-esteem is at its lowest. And, so, Matilda is able to accomplish great things as an independent young girl, and leads her friends to greatness as well.

Miss Trunchbull, the evil headmistress, rules with an iron fist, severe discipline and corporal punishment. Matilda discovers her own ability to rise above her life situation in school and at home and brings her peers along with her. The children unite and reveal Miss Trunchbull for the true “bully,” (as Matilda calls her), she is. The power of the children united is no match for the bullying.

On Erev Shavuot, our students displayed this unity in establishing and coordinating our first ever Yavneh Unity Day. Some months ago, 14 of our 7^th and 8^th graders attended a conference at the JCC on Tolerance and Anti-bullying. Two of our own 8^th graders, Dina Jawetz and Jessica Orski, were on the planning committee of the conference and spent hours after school at the JCC with student representatives from other local schools creating the conference. After the conference, Dina and Jessica were charged with coming back to Yavneh and spreading the message with the other students who attended the conference. The students came up with the idea for Unity Day.

On that day, every class in the school- Pre-k- 8- started the day with a developmentally appropriate short video geared for that age group about not bullying, respecting others, including peers and other related themes. Dina, Jessica and I spent time choosing the videos and matching them to the appropriate grade level. Teachers then led discussions on the video to highlight our themes of respect for others and unity, and what they can do make everyone in the school feel respected and a part of the community. Then, each class made a paper chain on which they colored slogans about not bullying. Our committee of students who had attended the JCC conference went to the classrooms, collected the chains and then joined all the chains together to create one long chain, and hung it in our lunchroom with the words "Be the change." The entire school wore blue- the color of anti-bullying. The Middle School students spent time at their Yom Iyun learning about topics related to Achdut and Kavod for one another- both appropriate themes to prepare for Shavuot.

The importance of Unity Day in combating bullying is that we know that the bystanders are the ones with the true power to stand up to bullying and social exclusion, (which is the type of bullying we often see among middle schoolers). Aside from the time we spend in Advisory relaying the skills to be “upstanders” instead of “bystanders,” we know that when we encourage unity against bullying it emphasizes the role that each student plays in making our school a safe place for all students. No one would dare attempt to bully another as he/she knows that he is fighting the entire school when he/she does so.

Our students also had the opportunity to feel united and part of something bigger than themselves when our 7^th graders ran the Shavuot flower sale. As you know, they were raising money for victims of rocket attacks in Israel and all proceeds went to that support. Aside from the wonderful mitzvah they accomplished, they united as a grade to make this campaign happen. They also felt the unity and the sense of belonging to the Jewish people, as they joined with their brothers and sisters in Israel to feel their pain. (Kudos to Leora Barkai and Yechiel Hyman who spearheaded this campaign!)

Feeling united, a sense of belonging and being a part of something greater than oneself is essential for self-esteem, (despite Miss Trunchbull thinking it is detrimental to children!). Abraham Maslow, in his hierarchy of needs, explained what humans need for basic survival and growth. Each level needs to be satisfied before higher needs can be achieved. At the bottom are the physiological needs- food, water etc. If these needs are unmet, a human cannot reach higher needs. Next are safety needs- a sense of security and predictability in the world. After that are the love and belonging needs. People need to belong to a group and feel accepted. Only then can a person reach the next level of esteem needs- self esteem and feeling that one is competent, worthwhile and independent. That leads to the highest level that Maslow calls “Self-actualization” and realizing one's full potential.

And, so, we know that unity creates that sense of belonging essential for that self-esteem in life. This is even more true for teens as we know the power of both positive and negative peer pressure and their need to be with peers. The group is a place where a teen feels accepted, and where he can feel good about himself and it increases his self-image. A strong sense of belonging is essential for a positive self-esteem. This sense of belonging relates to one's relationship with one's family as well. As parents, we need to work on making sure our children feel like they belong. They belong to our family unit and they belong to an extended family and an ancestry. As we tell stories of their great grandparents and their ancestors we create a feeling that they are part of something greater than themselves. Despite the fact that they may say they detest those family reunions, they are essential for their self-worth.

And, of course, when a child is bullied, the group can be a dangerous place and a place where he/she does not belong. Through programs like the Unity Day and the flower sale we reinforce that our community is a place of belonging. Through empowering the students to take charge of programs and “be the change” we promote self-esteem and self-efficacy.

As Matilda and her friends said in the show, “Even if you're little you can do a lot. You mustn't let a little thing like little stop you. If you sit around and let them top you you won't change a thing. Just because you find that life's not fair it doesn't mean you have to just grin and bear it... And, if it's not right you have to put it right.” They united to make it right, as did our students here at Yavneh to bring more “sympathy and tenderness” into the world.

Why Does The Torah And Why Do Parents Have So Many Rules And Restrictions?

A few weeks before each Chag, I go down to the basement to the container of “Yom Tov books” and I bring up the childrens' books that relate to the upcoming holiday. My younger children sit around me on the Shabbatot leading up to the holiday and we read those old favorites every year. It builds excitement for the Chag ahead and they learn some information at the same time. No Rules for Michael is the name of one of the “Shavuot books” that I brought up a few weeks ago. Written by Sylvia A. Rouss, (of Sammy Spider fame), the book is about a preschool class learning about the Aseret HaDibrot as a set of rules for the Jews. To bring the concept home, she asks the students about what are the rules in their classroom. Michael raises his hand and says, “I don't like rules. It would be a lot more fun if we could do whatever we wanted. School would be the best place if we didn't have any rules.” So, of course, Morah Sharon says that they will try an experiment and the next day they will not have any rules. The story continues that due to the lack of rules, Michael trips over someone's backpack, he never gets a turn with the puzzles, at circle time no one will listen to him, on the playground he does not get a turn and at snack time someone takes his food off his plate. Michael begins to cry and admits to the morah that without rules he was unable to do any of the things he wanted. The children realize the importance of rules and the Aseret HaDibrot.

In reality, children thirst for rules. They may complain about them, but they need and want them. The same applies to teenagers. Years ago, I had a teenage student in my school whose parents were “absentee parents.” There was very little structure and no consequences for misbehavior. He would continuously misbehave. This young man said to me, “I wish my parents would punish me once in a while. At least then I would know that they cared.” It was as if he was misbehaving hoping that they would punish him.

Although teenagers are yearning for independence they need and want us to set boundaries for them. They will never say to us, “Can you please make some more rules?” , but it is important for them know what is expected of them and what their boundaries are. Teens are less likely to rebel in homes where there are clear expectations and rules. Rules that are consistent are comforting to them. They know that they never have to worry about what you expect and that you will not change the rules. They truly do want to do what is right . They still need their parents and have an easier time earning their trust as they know exactly what they need to do to gain that trust. The teenage years are full challenges- peer pressure, drugs, driving, parties etc. When we set rules and provide limits we help them maneuver through this confusing time.

The most successful way to set up rules for teens is by allowing them to have a say in the setting up of the rules. Not only should we involve them in, setting up the rules, but also in setting up the consequences. It is essential for “buy-in” and also trains them in decision making, (what behaviors are okay and what aren't), and thinking ahead about consequences. Of course, in a case where a child and parent do not agree on the rules and/or consequences parents are entitled to say, “No.”

Similar to the Michael children's story above, teens need to have an understanding what life would be like without rules. The book Lord of the Flies, commonly read in adolescence, is a perfect example of what life would be like without rules. Interestingly enough, if we ask our children what rules they might have for their own children one day we would note that they have some rules that we would not even imagine. Recently, in doing the unit on cell phone and internet safety with the sixth grade, we asked them to tell us what rules their parents have regarding the above. Students were able to compare the rules of their different families and to think about the reasons behind the rules their parents have established.

Teens also are at an age where they might ask, “Why does Judaism have so many rules?” Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob discusses what a parent should say to a child when he/she asks this question. It is important to not be judgmental or defensive when answering such a question. We should tell him that we are glad he is thinking and it is a good question. We must take the question seriously. We should empathize that we understand why he might feel this way.

It is also important to stress that Judaism is not against having fun, as long as it is safe to the body and the spirit. We do know that there are different kinds of fun. Fun can be constructive or destructive, (i.e. drugs). The negative Mitzvot in the Torah are all there to protect us from activities that are destructive to our Neshama and our spirituality. Even things that appear to be innocent, can be “poisonous” as appearances are deceiving, and only G-d knows the true consequence of engaging in certain behaviors. (I like to give the kids the example of Shabbos. Today, all the research says that families that eat meals together are more prone to have children who resist drugs and other at-risk behaviors. We see Shabbat as a day we are “forced” to sit with our families and focus only on them. In reality, it protects us). Most importantly, teens are at an age where they need to know the difference between joy and fun. Fun can be a counterfeit joy. Using Shabbat again as an example, Dr. Lob states, “Fun is Saturday night. Joy is Friday night. It is the joy of a family sitting down together to eat and sing. It is a joy of quiet, of inner reflection, and of human-divine intimacy. Fun is external and fleeting. Joy is inward and lasting.”

“But, Judaism is full of so many restrictions!” Restriction, in fact, helps us enjoy life's pleasures even more. If I like steak, says Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, and I had it every night it would no longer be the same. Or music that I liked- if I only listened to that group all day, they would no longer be so enjoyable. “When G-d bestowed upon us that great instruction manual for living, also known as the Torah, he included in it 613 regulations, also known as the commandments. These are the ingredients which, when adhered to, comprise that total recipe for fulfillment on this world...365 of them are things not to do. O.K...call them restriction, if you like... that when adhered to, comprise the greatest blueprint for our greatest enjoyment.”

And, so, these restrictions are not there to punish, restrict, frustrate or constrict our lifestyle. “Quite the contrary! It is rather to make certain that we are pacing ourselves properly, so as not to over-indulge on any single benefit this world has to offer- thereby diluting the excitement and appreciation of each experience.” In the ideal world, self-regulation to ensure that we don't harm our bodies and souls would be better. But, we realistically know that we are better when we are given rules.

“A really good parent knows all too well, that the worse thing you can do to your child is to never say, 'No,' to him. Want a sure-fire way to get him to hate that new set of hyper, ergo-dynamic, jumbo, tumbo, energized, jet-powered lego? Let him play with it all day. Then watch his interest fade into cyberspace. Life without restriction is colorless, jaded and uninspired.”

“...She'ein lecha ben chorin ela mi she-oseik b'talmud Torah, she'kol mi she'oseik b'Torah harei zeh mitale.” The Mishna in Avot comments on the fact that in the pasuk in Shemot 32:16 it says that the script of G-d was “chorut” (engraved) on the tablets. The Mishna states, “do not read the word Chorut- engraved, but rather, cheirut- free. Only one who delves into the Torah is truly free for anyone who delves into the Torah becomes elevated.” This statement is counter-intuitive. With all the restrictions the Torah places on us- how can we be free? For with the rules set out by the Torah we are truly free from the control of one's instincts and passions. We are no longer their hostages.

In general, as with all rules, the Mitzvot ensure that we stop and think before we act. We do not live life on cruise control. Rules that we set in our family accomplish the same thing. The particular of the rules are not essential. Our children will always be faced by circumstance not “covered” by the rules we have established. Our goal is for our children to stop and think before they act and consider whether the behavior they are about to do is good for their body and their spirit even when, and especially when, we are not with them.

Resiliency- The Secret to Being a "Survivor"

If you grew up in the 80’s, the word “Survivor” means a band from the 80’s famous for their “Eye of the Tiger.” For those who are growing up in this decade, “Survivor” is a reality show where contestants are stranded in the wilderness and compete for prizes. For me, the word “Survivor” conjures up images of my grandparents who were Holocaust survivors. The word survivor conjures up the unfathomable strength and resiliency needed to continue on and begin life anew

Being the generations growing up in the world of Survivor the band or Survivor the reality show, we and our children can’t really comprehend what it means to be the survivors that my grandparents were. G-d forbid, would we have had the strength of character and the resiliency to be the survivors they were? They faced incredible challenges and losses, and yet bounced back

However, our children need those resiliency skills, as they will inevitably face challenges in life and will need the resiliency skills to be “survivors” as we ll. Whether failing a test or breaking up with a boyfriend, life is full of small disappointments, (which don’t feel so small as they are happening). And, unfortunately, many face bigger losses in life. I often speak to children who are truly survivors as they weather difficult life circumstances with grace and fortitude.

A more recent story of survival to which our children can better relate is that of Adrienne Haslet-Davis. She is a survivor of the Boston Marathon bombing. She is a professional dancer and ballroom dancing instructor who has been dancing her whole life. Adrienne was walking around the area with her husband, who had just came back from Afghanistan. The bomb went off four feet from where they where. She needed to have her foot amputated. When she woke up from surgery her family knew how painful it would be to tell her. Dancing was her whole life. But, Adrienne asserted, “I will absolutely dance again and do whatever it takes to get there.” In fact, the show Dancing with the Stars plans to feature her recovery and will have her perform live on the show.

What is the secret to being a survivor? It is the difference, as we demonstrate to the students in Advisory, ( in the unit we call “When Life Gives You Lemons”), between an egg and a bouncy ball. The bouncy ball – the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. The egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters. There are two types of people in life. Raw eggs - who shatter when faced with an obstacle. And, then the bouncy ball people who can face obstacles and bounce back. The key is resiliency.

What are the steps and skills needed for resiliency? Two weeks ago, our 7^th graders met a real-life example of resiliency as Mr. Yitzy Haber came to speak about his life experiences. Some of you may know Yitzy as he is one of the “shnitzel guys” who runs the “ruach” at Bar Mitzvahs. You may see him in the middle wearing a florescent suit and doing something crazy with the boys to get them into the simcha. I met Yitzy for the first time when I invited him to Yavneh a few years ago to teach the boys simcha dancing. A few days after he left, someone forwarded me an article about his life. (You can read this article at http://www.aish.com/sp/so/A_Leg_to_Stand_On.html).

Yitzy was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 11 and at the age of 13 had his leg amputated and has a prosthetic leg. Incredible, I thought. The man makes a living from dancing with boys at smachot all on a prosthetic leg. This is a prime example of “when life gives you lemons... make lemonade”- perfect for our unit in Advisory. (For those of you who know me, you know that I look at everything in life in terms of how I can fit it into Advisory!) So, I invited him in to speak with the students, thinking he'd share how he made it through tough times. I did not expect to be laughing along with the students at most of his presentation. He has an incredible way of creating humor out of dark situations. And, there the students saw how he coped with difficult situations- through utilizing humor- a wonderful strategy. Our 7^th graders will spend the next month learning the skills and strategies for resiliency and bouncing back.

What can we as parents do to raise resilient children? There are four basic areas of strengths needed for resiliency. First, children need to know that they have relationships that are dependable and people to whom they can reach out when they have troubles. Second, they need the coping skills to not be overwhelmed by their emotions when upset. Third, they need to have the competence and confidence to problem solve. Fourth, they need an optimistic and hopeful outlook on life.

There are various ways to strengthen those four components. As parents, we play a significant role. 1. Relationships- the relationship with ones parents is the most important one for a child. It was easy to have communicative relationship when they were younger. Now that they are teens, they are distancing themselves and even challenging our authority. We need to put more effort into strengthening the relationship. No matter what they do or say we relay the message that we are always there for them in challenging times. Children also need to learn the skills of reaching out to others in their lives. For example, when a child is having a hard time in a class, we encourage him to reach out to the teacher instead of doing it for him.

2. We can teach our children from a young age some positive coping skills to utilize when they are upset. Most importantly is the focus on positive self-talk and reminding oneself of positive messages when in trouble. “I can do okay. I have done so in the past, and I will do so again.” Directly ask your child what would he say to a friend who was in the same difficult situation? He should then say the same to himself. Things like a sense of humor, the ability to distract oneself, activities that tend to be soothing are all ways we can model and teach to our children coping skills. We need to help them learn how to deal with stress most simply by helping them discover activities or strategies that help them feel better when they are stressed.

3. When children feel that things simply happen to us and are beyond our control, they cannot achieve true competence. When they feel that they can control and make things happen in their lives, they achieve competence. Through fostering independence, assertiveness, perseverance and problem solving skills we help our children feel competent. We do this through authoritative and not authoritarian parenting. Authoritative parenting is when we set reasonable limits and use fair consequences while at the same providing some freedom with guidance. Authoritarian parents are overly harsh and rely on control. Therefore children only learn how to obey. This parenting style does not foster self-discipline and the ability to make good choices.

4. Optimism is not in-born. Children can learn the skill of optimistic thinking. As I mentioned in a previous column, optimism is not an illogical and unrealistic positive attitude. For example, if Sam is not a particularly skilled soccer player, as a pessimist he would think, “The coach hates me. I'll never be good enough for him. And, besides, I'm really not an athlete.” As an optimist he might say, “True, I'm not as athletic as some other kids, but with lots of practice and maybe a few more inches by next year, I can be a valuable member of the team.” As parents, we can gently challenge their negative thoughts and provide a positive one instead. The more we model optimistic thinking the better.

Being resilient parents helps us raise children with resiliency. Our children learn how to “make lemonade” from us.