Pesach and Joy During Difficult Times

  In the past few days, Rabbi Leo Dee has come to my attention.  I received a link to a video of a musical performance by Yeshivat Ohr Yehuda, where Lucy Dee had taught (https://youtu.be/OcTVYmvI1cw?si=uMzngNx8Ga04D_J9). I actually had not realized that the video was to commemorate her first yahrzeit with her two daughters, on Chol HaMoed Pesach, until I noticed Rabbi Dee singing with intensity in the audience. 

The second time Rabbi Dee “appeared” was in a message I received:

*COUNTERPROTEST OF ANTI-ISRAEL RALLY PLANNED AT NY STOCK EXCHANGE* 

In an initiative led by Rabbi Leo Dee, college students from across Manhattan are planning to counterprotest an anti-Israel rally this *Monday, April 15, at 2:00PM.* The rally is scheduled to take place in front of the New York Stock Exchange. 

Those joining the counterprotest will be wearing *American flags* in an effort to capture the anti-American reactions of the protesters and demonstrate that *anti-Zionism and anti-Americanism go hand in hand.* All those who can come show their support are encouraged to join! 

Considering how the yahrzeit of his family member was soon approaching and how he had appeared in my inbox twice in a matter of a few days, I was spurred on to read a book he authored, that I had bought a few months ago at the Yeshiva University Seforim Sale, (that I had not yet had the chance to read). Transforming the World- The Jewish Impact on Modernity,  was actually a book he had written in 2016, but reprinted it after the death of his wife and daughters. 

Rabbi Dee begins in his introduction by stressing that a Jew’s role in this world is to bring Shalom- to both the world and to himself (peace of mind). If one looks at our tefillot one might notice that “the bottom line of all Jewish prayers- the Amidah, Grace after Meals, the Priestly Blessing, Kaddish and more” is Shalom. 

How does someone who has gone through what Rabbi Dee has gone through maintain a life of Shalom- peace of mind? Later in the book Rabbi Dee discusses that we are inundated in this world by “the news.”  The news is whatever sells- so it is usually something shocking, or upsetting. “The ‘news’ activates these base instincts in us, but they are ultimately destructive feelings. They may arouse us in the short time, but they leave us feeling dissatisfied with our lot. So, what’s the alternative? Prayer… Prayer is the antithesis of the news.  While the news makes us feel discontent with all that we have, prayer generates a feeling of contentment that we live…Prayer is taking the time out during a busy day to stop and appreciate how good life is.  And this is so important in a world where the “news” is constantly telling us how brutal and unfair life is.” 

I was reading these words last night, as I had just heard from my husband returning from shul, about Iran’s attack on Israel. I was overwhelmed by feelings of “how brutal and unfair life is.”  And, then I took out my Tehillim and began to daven. And, from that moment on, a sliver of hope appeared. 

I rewatched the music video of Yeshivat Ohr Yehuda, which features some scenes of the Dee family and even Lucy Dee speaking saying “I love you.”  I listened more carefully and noticed they were singing words from Lecha Dodi.  While I sing Lecha Dodi every Friday night, and know what the words mean,  I never truly appreciated what the words are really saying.  Hearing them sung in this video changed their entire meaning for me. 

They sing: 

רַב לָךְ שֶֽׁבֶת בְּעֵֽמֶק הַבָּכָא. וְהוּא יַחֲמוֹל עָלַֽיִךְ חֶמְלָה

Long enough have you dwelt in the valley of tears! He will show

you abundant mercy

And, Rabbi Dee says, (translated) “Our valley of tears was in the past Pesach. But, Hashem gave me the  great חמלה - mercy- to see how much you all loved Lucy and I know how much she loved you. People ask me what if you had just left ten minutes earlier on the day of the attack? And, I respond, I don’t ask ‘what if’ except for with one thing:  What if Hashem knows better than I do? That gives me comfort.” 

They go on to sing another stanza of Lecha Dodi: 

הִתְעוֹרְרִי הִתְעוֹרְרִי. כִּי בָא אוֹרֵךְ

קֽֽוּמִי אֽוֹרִי.

עֽוּרִי עֽוּרִי שִׁיר דַבֵּֽרִי. כְּבוֹד ה' עָלַֽיִךְ נִגְלָה

Wake up,​​ Wake up,​​ for your light has come; arise

and shine! Awake, awake, utter a song; the Lord’s glory is revealed

upon you.

In essence, Rabbi Dee is saying that it is his connection with G-d that has given him the ability to wake up again and see light among the darkness.  

And, the song continues: 

וְהָיוּ לִמְשסָּה שאסָיִךְ. וְרָחֲקוּ כָּל מְבַלְּעָיִךְ.

יָשיש עָלַיִךְ אֱלהָיִךְ.

Those​ who despoiled​ you shall become a spoil, and all who

would​ devour you shall be far away. Your God will rejoice over

you

Again, it comes to the connection with Hashem that brings back the joy.  

I once read a story in Mishpacha Magazine, quoted in an article about the Dee family, by someone named Matti Laufer, who davens in the shul in Efrat where the Dees daven, typifying this joy of Rabbi Dee:  

“I prayed next to the Dee family on the last day of Pesach. After the very difficult days our community went through at the beginning of Chag, the Dee family came to shul — standing tall and with their heads held high. I arrive a few minutes before davening starts. The Dee family is already there. Rabbi Leo Dee sees me, and approaches me and offers me a warm and loving hug, and wishes me a Chag Sameach.

“But still, in the shul you still feel the complex between the depression and the joy. The chazzan struggles to find the balance to respect the community atmosphere. He keeps breaking up. It’s hard. He gets up to Hallel. First stanza — not sung. Maybe the chazzan doesn’t feel up to singing. Maybe the next part... Second stanza, “B’tzeis Yisrael miMitzrayim” — the chazzan does not sing. I am beginning to feel the mourning, I am beginning to understand that we won’t be singing the last Hallel of Pesach. Sadness, pain, real tears.

“But at that moment Rabbi Leo gets up from his seat and moves quickly toward the chazzan. Rabbi Leo gently puts his arm around the chazzan, hugs him, and whispers something in his ear. The chazzan looks at Rabbi Leo and immediately begins singing that lifts the soul to lofty heights. “Mah lecha hayam ki tanus!” From then on, we sing. We sing together all of Hallel.

“What did Rabbi Leo tell him? I approached the chazzan after the tefillah and asked if he was willing to share with me. Rabbi Leo told him, ‘Please, make it joyous.’ And yes it was — happy, and a little sad. But mostly, mostly… comforting.”

The happiness that Rabbi Dee is able to find through his connection to Hashem is a theme of Pesach.  A recent song by the singer Shmuel (we are big fans in my family!) which he wrote about the war in Israel, connects this theme perfectly to Pesach:

תמיד הלכנו אחריך במדבר

תמיד הלכנו גם בגשם

לא סתם עזבנו את הבית המוכר

חצינו את הגשר

 

אין מה לדאוג

ואין להתייאש

 

כל עוד אנחנו פה

רק לשמוח יש

 

עברנו את הים

נעבור גם את זה

הקדוש ברוך הוא יותר גדול מזה

We always went after You in the desert

We always went after You, even in the rain

We didn’t simply abandon the familiar house

We crossed the bridge

 

There’s nothing to worry about

And there’s no giving up

 

As long as we are still here

There’s only what to be happy about

 

We passed through the sea

We will pass through this too

The Holy One, blessed be He, is greater than this

The belief in G-d- that He will take care of us- is what allows us to feel happy even during troubled times.  As the Jewish people are in battle in Israel as we speak, we are still able to sit down to the seder with happiness.  And, as the Jewish people left Egypt with anxiety and worry about the Egyptians who were chasing them, they had joy at the same time. In fact, last week I attended a shiur on haggadah and Rabbi Moshe Tzvi Weinberg asked, Why did Hashem have them rush out of Egypt in the middle of the night? He could have had them leave with majesty and miracles?  That anxiety was purposeful. It brings them to become close to G-d which brings happiness. 

And, as Shmuel sings in the song above, when the Jews approached the Yam Suf they were terrified. How were they going to ever be able to pass through the sea? We know the famous Midrash (noted in Sotah 37a, and the Mechilta and Pirkei D’Rabbi Eliezer) that the Jewish people were too scared to cross the Yam Suf and וקפץ נחשון תחלה וירד לים וקדשו שמו הגדול לעיני הכל.  And Nachshon jumped first and went down (in)to the sea, and His name was holy and great in/to the eyes of everyone.  Crossing the sea was terrifying, and yet Nachshon was able to trust in Hashem and jump in. His faith brought the salvation which lead to happiness and to the singing of the joyous שירת הים - song of the sea, we call “אז ישיר”.  Only when the Jewish people joined in his belief could they too feel that happiness.

Those of you who have been reading my column for some time know that I often write about the importance of raising our children with Emunah and teaching and modeling for them the power of prayer. As I have written before, studies indicate that people who believe in G-d and pray to Him actually can tolerate pain and difficulty better, have more positive attitudes  and are happier.  No matter what they go through, they can turn to Hashem and there is always hope, as Rabbi Dee demonstrates daily. 

The message of Pesach, as the singer Shmuel notes in his song, can keep us hopeful during difficult times. We will continue to turn to Hashem. Just as He helped us cross the Yam Suf we will “נעבור גם את זה”  we will pass through this too, בשמחה .

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed recess challenges and how to manage them. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed some more real-life scenarios where they need to  be “upstanders.” 

Eighth Grade:  Due to the Holocaust play there was no Advisory this week. 

Parents As Students

        I once heard that a Jewish scholar is called a תלמיד חכם /תלמידה חכמה- a student who is wise, not just a חכם/חכמה- a wise person.  The reason for this nomenclature is because in Judaism we believe that to be wise one must always be learning and realize that one’s knowledge is never complete.  A true חכם realizes that he is a lifelong student, and must never feel as if he is all-knowing. As Albert Einstein said, “The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know.”

I was, therefore, happy to be a תלמידה this past week by attending a number of learning and sharing opportunities. This learning experience began last Sunday when I attended a conference, (described in Rabbi Knapp’s email that he sent out on Thursday),  which was the  first Jewish Schools & Technology Summit organized by the Tikvah Foundation and the Jewish Parents Forum.  As you know, for some years now Yavneh has been at the forefront of working on healthy technology engagement for our students, whether through in-school curricula, parent workshops, inter-school programming and even guidelines some years ago created by parents.  As Rabbi Knapp described in his email, our partnership with our current Yavneh Parent Technology Committee and our Yavneh Healthy Tech initiative, has brought these efforts to a new level.  The opportunity to attend this summit with parent representatives and members of our administrative team with about 50 Jewish schools was inspirational, motivational and provided us with some practical takeaways. (It was also amazing to see how so many schools are on the same page with the need to assure safe technology use for our children. Stay tuned to hear more!)

I would like to share a few items that struck me as a תלמידה. I know that in the months ahead we will be sharing some of what we learned with you, so, I will focus only on a few items. (I do use much of the language used by the speakers themselves). 

TAKEAWAY  #1: 

One speaker at the conference was Zachary Rausch, Chief Researcher for Dr. Jonathan Haidt,  a well-known social psychologist alerting us to the dangers of technology for our children. (Dr. Haidt’s recent book which just came out last week  The Anxious Generation: How The Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Illness- is a must-read!).  Of the many items I learned, there were three that I want to focus on. Use of technology and social media, Rausch highlighted, has three negative effects: 

1. Opportunity cost- There are only 24 hours a day and when our children are spending 7-9 hours on screens they are pushing out everything else. (Including sleeping, reading, in-person socializing etc.). 

2. Attention fragmentation and learning loss-  The constant notifications are distracting during all types of activities. 

3. Behavioral addiction- devices are purposefully designed to maximize engagement and the inability to put them down. 

TAKEAWAY #2: 

Dr. Leonard Sax, Director of the Montgomery Center for Research in Child and Adolescent Development was another speaker.  

He posed the question to the audience: “Which parameter at 12 years of age predicts health, wealth and happiness at age 32?”  The choices were:

1. Being open to new ideas

2. GPA 

3. Emotional stability

4. Friendliness and agreeableness

5. Self- control

While all those items are important, the research-based answer was “self-control.”  We, as parents, today are having a harder time helping our children have self-control. Clearly, engaging in unhealthy technology behaviors, (as Rausch noted), leads to a situation where our children have no self-control.

TAKEAWAY #3

Rabbi Meir Soloveitchik of Yeshiva University and rabbi of Congregation Shearith Israel, in addition to being a Tikvah Senior Fellow, spoke about the centrality of memory in Judaism.  We are עם הספר- which most translate as “people of the book”, but in reality it is “people of the scroll.”   Unlike a book, a particular paragraph in a scroll is hard to access.  The rolling and scrolling take a long amount of time. (He added, humorously, that on our phones, scrolling takes three seconds).  There was no text that could be easily consulted until it was memorized. Ancient texts could not be easily scanned and unless one had a basic familiarity with the text. That is what Torah SheBaal Peh (oral) is all about- it is to be memorized.  The sacred scroll is the jumping off point, but the text is really intended to be inscribed in the human mind. Judaism created a people of memory. 

Rabbi Soloveitchik connected this theme to Chag HaPesach. We assume that Pesach is the holiday of “telling” as it says in Shemot 13:8 : וְהִגַּדְתָּ֣ לְבִנְךָ֔ - And you shall tell your son. But, telling is not enough. One must also remember: זָכ֞וֹר אֶת־הַיּ֤וֹם הַזֶּה֙ אֲשֶׁ֨ר יְצָאתֶ֤ם מִמִּצְרַ֨יִם֙ מִבֵּ֣ית עֲבָדִ֔ים Remember this day, when you went out of Egypt, (Shemot 13:3) . Pesach is a holiday of memory. 

Technology today obviates the need for memory. You can google everything. A memoryless mind is one that cannot grow.

TAKEAWAY #4

Dr. Yoni Schwab, psychologist and Assistant Head of School of the Shefa School, noted that we have taught ourselves that anytime we are uncomfortable we pick up our phones. With screens- we escape from emotions, avoid things that are hard, and even socially isolate.  And, then children do not learn the skills to tolerate discomfort and manage their emotions. 

We often note this phenomenon that Dr. Schwab highlighted when discussing use of phones at bar/bat mitzvahs. These parties are events that are intensely socially demanding.  Oftentimes, to deal with uncomfortable feelings, our children pick up their phones when they should be dancing, eating or even listening to a dvar Torah. 

So, as you see, even we as adult תלמידים have much to learn. I share these takeaways with you to serve as a springboard for more discussion in the weeks ahead.   (I will leave what I learned at my Prizmah Mental Health Summit workshops for another week!) 

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, zt”l, shared in his Seder Night Companion that “ Being a Jew means being both a student and an educator, and Seder night is our opportunity to focus on both these roles.”  As we approach Rosh Chodesh Nissan and the chag of Pesach we are used to thinking of ourselves as being in the role of teacher at the seder- the והגדת לבנך role. But, in essence, as we re-enact the Pesach story, we recall that Moshe was called “משה רבינו” - Moshe our teacher. We were the students- learning about this new connection with Hashem, our Torah, and our role as students.  As Ben Zoma says in Pirkei Avot 4:1-  בֶּן זוֹמָא אוֹמֵר, אֵיזֶהוּ חָכָם, הַלּוֹמֵד מִכָּל אָדָם,   “Ben Zoma said: Who is wise? He who learns from every man.”    As parents, there is so much we can and need to learn to help our children grow, as I learned this past week. May we continue being life-long learners this Pesach and beyond.             

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Some students focused on the topic of excluding others while others focused on the skills of how to work in groups.

Seventh Grade-  Some students focused on the dangers of gambling related to March Madness  and some students focused on real-life scenarios of how to stand up for what is right. 

Eighth Grade-  As part of their substance abuse unit, students learned of the dangers of vaping. 

Compassionate Curiosity

  As we all finished a day of parent- teacher conferences we hopefully had a few moments to get some nachat and brainstorm where areas of improvement were still needed. I hope you felt that your child’s teachers were rooting for him/her and that you were truly partners. 

A few years ago, around this time,  I had the privilege of hearing Rav Gav Friedman.  For those who have never heard him before, he is quite entertaining and you laugh with your full heart. He spoke about “Rachel Imeinu” moments.  He reminded us of the famous midrash that of all the patriarchs and matriarchs, G-d listened only to Rachel when the Jews were exiled,  and promised to return them in the merit of her giving over her signs to her sister Leah to marry Yaakov.  He described that when Rachel gave these signs to her sister, little did she know that she would change the history of the entire Jewish people and allow for the entire nation to return to the land of Israel.  This one moment in time changed the future of an entire nation. 

He continued to share how small choices we make every day can change the future of individuals and generations.  Rav Gav told a number of stories, but one story stood out to me as an educator. He told of a young boy in a Jewish sleepaway camp, we will call him Dovid,  who truly shined in his daily “shiur” classes.  Dovid was so out of the ordinary, that his learning Rebbe took some moments to write a letter to his parents, (in the days before e-mail).  The Rebbe wrote that he had rarely ever met someone like Dovid and continued to describe the love of Torah and the insights that he shared each day.  The Rebbe noted that he was sure that Dovid would one day become a great Torah scholar and leader.  Years later, after Dovid was already an adult and a true leader in the Jewish community, his father passed away. Rav Gav revealed that after he died, when his “Tachrichim” (burial clothes) were put on, his regular clothing was collected and in the pocket of his jacket was found that letter from the camp rebbe from over 25 years ago.  Dovid’s father carried that note in his pocket each day for 25 years, as it meant so much to him.  Little did that camp rebbe know what an impact that note would make on Dovid’s parents,  and how much it would mean to them.  What took him just moments to write, truly was life- changing. 

While Rav Gav continued to assert that little actions we all make can make a difference, my mind reverted back to the story of that note.  Each year at parent teacher conferences our teachers need to keep that story in mind. What we deem as a passing comment to a parent can make quite an impact- positively and negatively. 

The same goes for how we speak to our students. Students never forget the way a teacher speaks to them, even and especially if they are not doing well in school. That small comment, which to the teacher is just a moment in time, can be everlasting to a student. Before I speak to a student, I weigh every word.  

Tomorrow, I will be giving a workshop to some teachers as part of our inservice day on how to help children in anxiety in school.  I will discuss the importance of approaching each child with compassionate curiosity. As Amanda Morin wrote in her article, How to Show Empathy to Your Students With Compassionate Curiosity, compassionate curiosity is “a practice that asks teachers to act as non-judgmental investigators so they can better understand students. It’s an important first step in learning to respond to your students with empathy.” So, when a student doesn’t do her homework, instead of asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?!?” You might ask, “What makes it hard to do your homework?  What can we do to make it easier for you? Tell me more about why you weren’t able to do it?” 

The first example of this compassionate curiosity was found in Hashem’s reaction to Adam and Chava’s sin.  After their sin in Bereishit 3:9 it says, 

טוַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:

And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"

Of course, Hashem knew exactly where Adam was and what he had done. But, there as the first teacher, G-d  modeled for us compassionate curiosity. Ask first to find out more before you judge. 

I will then discuss an article with the teachers written by Sophie Riegel called Making Assumptions -You never know what is going on in someone else's mind. (I actually show our students a clip from Sophie Riegel as she spends time explaining what it is like to live with anxiety and OCD as she does). In this article, she educates teachers to never make assumptions. Just because a child is smiling does not mean she is happy, for example.  Or just because a child does not do her homework, does not mean she doesn’t care. 

“So how can we not assume? Well, the most important thing to do is to be curious. Ask questions. Ask “how are you feeling?” instead of assuming that someone is feeling a certain way. Ask “what can I do to be helpful?” instead of assuming that what you are doing is helpful. Try to keep in mind that you never know what is going on in someone else’s mind. And always remember Ellen DeGeneres’s famous words: “You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.” 

We have so much power as teachers to inspire a child or to demoralize him/her.  As parents, we have the same power. If we were to record our interactions with our children would we sound compassionately curious or judgemental and impatient?  Children are more likely to listen to what we are saying, even if we are correcting their behavior, in a firm, yet calm voice.  Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that children who experienced harsh verbal discipline were more likely to be depressed, have behavioral problems and exhibit antisocial behavior.  And, of course, the more respectful you speak to your child, the more respectful he will speak to you.  

We should never make assumptions… or better yet, maybe there is one assumption we are allowed to make about our children, (as teachers and parents).  That assumption is that they do really want to do the right thing. They do want to please.  Something is standing in their way and we need to help them find it.   

As we approach the chag of Purim, we consider how the name of the heroine is Esther, which we know means “hidden.”  We know that Esther did not tell of her nationality while in the palace.  Additionally, she was hiding many of her innermost thoughts and feelings. And, no one truly knew who she was, except for Mordechai. Her real name was “Hadassah” - the beautiful smelling myrtle. She was forced to keep that beauty hidden. In fact, the entire holiday of Purim is celebrated in costume where we "hide" our true selves. Oftentimes, children hide their feelings which lead to their behaviors. Compassionate curiosity asks us as the adults in our children’s lives to admit that we may not truly know or understand what is “hidden” beneath the surface of our children- causing particular behaviors or even upset.  But, it is our job with compassionate curiosity to patiently believe that every child wants to be known and to uncover what is hidden. 

That is what we at Yavneh Academy are here for.  We are here to partner with you to help every one of your children shine. We want them to graduate Yavneh glowing with the supportive and encouraging words they heard from our teachers.  And, if your children are struggling, we are here to put our heads together, with compassionate curiosity and without judgment, to help them grow and reveal their true potentials. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed what to do in conflicts with friends. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the bystander effect and how to be upstanders. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed, as part of the substance abuse unit, the permanent damage of alcohol abuse.