Sunday, March 17, 2024

Compassionate Curiosity

  As we all finished a day of parent- teacher conferences we hopefully had a few moments to get some nachat and brainstorm where areas of improvement were still needed. I hope you felt that your child’s teachers were rooting for him/her and that you were truly partners. 


A few years ago, around this time,  I had the privilege of hearing Rav Gav Friedman.  For those who have never heard him before, he is quite entertaining and you laugh with your full heart. He spoke about “Rachel Imeinu” moments.  He reminded us of the famous midrash that of all the patriarchs and matriarchs, G-d listened only to Rachel when the Jews were exiled,  and promised to return them in the merit of her giving over her signs to her sister Leah to marry Yaakov.  He described that when Rachel gave these signs to her sister, little did she know that she would change the history of the entire Jewish people and allow for the entire nation to return to the land of Israel.  This one moment in time changed the future of an entire nation. 


He continued to share how small choices we make every day can change the future of individuals and generations.  Rav Gav told a number of stories, but one story stood out to me as an educator. He told of a young boy in a Jewish sleepaway camp, we will call him Dovid,  who truly shined in his daily “shiur” classes.  Dovid was so out of the ordinary, that his learning Rebbe took some moments to write a letter to his parents, (in the days before e-mail).  The Rebbe wrote that he had rarely ever met someone like Dovid and continued to describe the love of Torah and the insights that he shared each day.  The Rebbe noted that he was sure that Dovid would one day become a great Torah scholar and leader.  Years later, after Dovid was already an adult and a true leader in the Jewish community, his father passed away. Rav Gav revealed that after he died, when his “Tachrichim” (burial clothes) were put on, his regular clothing was collected and in the pocket of his jacket was found that letter from the camp rebbe from over 25 years ago.  Dovid’s father carried that note in his pocket each day for 25 years, as it meant so much to him.  Little did that camp rebbe know what an impact that note would make on Dovid’s parents,  and how much it would mean to them.  What took him just moments to write, truly was life- changing. 


While Rav Gav continued to assert that little actions we all make can make a difference, my mind reverted back to the story of that note.  Each year at parent teacher conferences our teachers need to keep that story in mind. What we deem as a passing comment to a parent can make quite an impact- positively and negatively. 


The same goes for how we speak to our students. Students never forget the way a teacher speaks to them, even and especially if they are not doing well in school. That small comment, which to the teacher is just a moment in time, can be everlasting to a student. Before I speak to a student, I weigh every word.  


Tomorrow, I will be giving a workshop to some teachers as part of our inservice day on how to help children in anxiety in school.  I will discuss the importance of approaching each child with compassionate curiosity. As Amanda Morin wrote in her article, How to Show Empathy to Your Students With Compassionate Curiosity, compassionate curiosity is “a practice that asks teachers to act as non-judgmental investigators so they can better understand students. It’s an important first step in learning to respond to your students with empathy.” So, when a student doesn’t do her homework, instead of asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?!?” You might ask, “What makes it hard to do your homework?  What can we do to make it easier for you? Tell me more about why you weren’t able to do it?” 


The first example of this compassionate curiosity was found in Hashem’s reaction to Adam and Chava’s sin.  After their sin in Bereishit 3:9 it says, 

טוַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:

And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"


Of course, Hashem knew exactly where Adam was and what he had done. But, there as the first teacher, G-d  modeled for us compassionate curiosity. Ask first to find out more before you judge. 


I will then discuss an article with the teachers written by Sophie Riegel called Making Assumptions -You never know what is going on in someone else's mind. (I actually show our students a clip from Sophie Riegel as she spends time explaining what it is like to live with anxiety and OCD as she does). In this article, she educates teachers to never make assumptions. Just because a child is smiling does not mean she is happy, for example.  Or just because a child does not do her homework, does not mean she doesn’t care. 


“So how can we not assume? Well, the most important thing to do is to be curious. Ask questions. Ask “how are you feeling?” instead of assuming that someone is feeling a certain way. Ask “what can I do to be helpful?” instead of assuming that what you are doing is helpful. Try to keep in mind that you never know what is going on in someone else’s mind. And always remember Ellen DeGeneres’s famous words: “You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.” 


We have so much power as teachers to inspire a child or to demoralize him/her.  As parents, we have the same power. If we were to record our interactions with our children would we sound compassionately curious or judgemental and impatient?  Children are more likely to listen to what we are saying, even if we are correcting their behavior, in a firm, yet calm voice.  Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that children who experienced harsh verbal discipline were more likely to be depressed, have behavioral problems and exhibit antisocial behavior.  And, of course, the more respectful you speak to your child, the more respectful he will speak to you.  


We should never make assumptions… or better yet, maybe there is one assumption we are allowed to make about our children, (as teachers and parents).  That assumption is that they do really want to do the right thing. They do want to please.  Something is standing in their way and we need to help them find it.   


As we approach the chag of Purim, we consider how the name of the heroine is Esther, which we know means “hidden.”  We know that Esther did not tell of her nationality while in the palace.  Additionally, she was hiding many of her innermost thoughts and feelings. And, no one truly knew who she was, except for Mordechai. Her real name was “Hadassah” - the beautiful smelling myrtle. She was forced to keep that beauty hidden. In fact, the entire holiday of Purim is celebrated in costume where we "hide" our true selves. Oftentimes, children hide their feelings which lead to their behaviors. Compassionate curiosity asks us as the adults in our children’s lives to admit that we may not truly know or understand what is “hidden” beneath the surface of our children- causing particular behaviors or even upset.  But, it is our job with compassionate curiosity to patiently believe that every child wants to be known and to uncover what is hidden. 


That is what we at Yavneh Academy are here for.  We are here to partner with you to help every one of your children shine. We want them to graduate Yavneh glowing with the supportive and encouraging words they heard from our teachers.  And, if your children are struggling, we are here to put our heads together, with compassionate curiosity and without judgment, to help them grow and reveal their true potentials. 


Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed what to do in conflicts with friends. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the bystander effect and how to be upstanders. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed, as part of the substance abuse unit, the permanent damage of alcohol abuse.

Sunday, March 3, 2024

Do Not Stand Idly By

        Our seventh graders are in the middle of a unit in Advisory called “Do Not Stand Idly By.”  In this unit, we target the importance of standing up to injustice whether in your own lives, among your peers/ school, or in the world at large and particularly as it affects the Jewish community.  The unit begins with an issue facing the Jewish community today and first educates and empowers our students to be upstanders and do something.  This year our students are becoming educated about the war in Gaza, and how to stand up for Israel when it comes to the accusations Israel is facing in the world. The students learn about political action and the power that even they as students have.  The second part of the unit will focus on being upstanders when it comes to situations like bullying and mistreatment of others, for example.


The students learn about the psychological phenomenon called the bystander effect.  Why is it that when people see injustice happening they often do nothing? Social psychologists point to two reasons.  1. Diffusion of responsibility- if there are others looking on as well, they will all assume that someone else will intervene and therefore they do not. 2. Social influence- people monitor the behavior of others during a situation to determine how to act. If no one else is doing anything, then they conclude that help is not needed. 

In this past week’s parasha we saw a prime example of an “upstander” that of Moshe Rabbeinu. Rabbi David Fohrman points out that after the Jewish people commit Cheit Haegel, Hashem addresses Moshe, 

 לֶךְ־רֵ֕ד כִּ֚י שִׁחֵ֣ת עַמְּךָ֔

Go down because your nation has corrupted themselves. 


The word שִׁחֵ֣ת is the same word that was found right before the flood at the time of Noach:

יבוַיַּ֧רְא אֱלֹקים אֶת־הָאָ֖רֶץ וְהִנֵּ֣ה נִשְׁחָ֑תָה כִּֽי־הִשְׁחִ֧ית כָּל־בָּשָׂ֛ר אֶת־דַּרְכּ֖וֹ עַל־הָאָֽרֶץ

12And God saw the earth, and behold it had become corrupted, for all flesh had corrupted its way on the earth.

The last time the word was used (during the time of Noach) to describe a group of people they were destroyed. 


And, in fact that is what Hashem suggests to Moshe in 32:10, 

וְעַתָּה֙ הַנִּ֣יחָה לִּ֔י וְיִֽחַר־אַפִּ֥י בָהֶ֖ם וַֽאֲכַלֵּ֑ם וְאֶֽעֱשֶׂ֥ה אֽוֹתְךָ֖ לְג֥וֹי גָּדֽוֹל

Now leave Me alone, and My anger will be kindled against them so that I will annihilate them, and I will make you into a great nation."


Hashem’s plan was similar to the time of Noach- just like Hashem destroyed the world and started afresh with Noach, Hashem had intended to do with Moshe. 


But, unlike Noach who went along with Hashem’s plan, Moshe began arguing with Hashem. 


וַיְחַ֣ל מֹשֶׁ֔ה אֶת־פְּנֵ֖י ה’ אֱלֹקיו וַיֹּ֗אמֶר לָמָ֤ה ה֙’ יֶחֱרֶ֤ה אַפְּךָ֙ בְּעַמֶּ֔ךָ אֲשֶׁ֤ר הוֹצֵ֙אתָ֙ מֵאֶ֣רֶץ מִצְרַ֔יִם בְּכֹ֥חַ גָּד֖וֹל וּבְיָ֥ד חֲזָקָֽה׃

But Moshe implored his God saying, “Let not Your anger, God, blaze forth against Your people, whom You delivered from the land of Egypt with great power and with a mighty hand.


Rabbi Fohrman continues to compare the characters of Moshe and Noach in a number of ways. The word וַיְחַ֣ל is found twice in the story of Noach (Bereishit 8:10, 9:20, albeit with different meanings).  Both Moshe and Noach lived in a תיבה- Moshe in the ark that his mother put him in to save his life and Noach in the ark he built. Both men were isolated for 40 days and 40 nights - Moshe at Har Sinai and Noach in the ark. And, Rabbi Fohrman points out that when Hashem told Moshe to leave Him alone and not defend Bnai Yisrael he says: הניחה לי- which has the word נח “lurking right there, in the middle of the word…saying in effect “And, now Moses…הניחה לי-just be a Noach to me…Noach left me alone when I told him I’m going to destroy the world. Why don’t you leave Me alone too? “


However, Moshe doesn’t listen and he implores Hashem who finally says:

וַיִּנָּ֖חֶם ה' עַל־הָ֣רָעָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר דִּבֶּ֖ר לַֽעֲשׂ֥וֹת לְעַמּֽוֹ

God then reconsidered the evil He had said He would do to His people.

In the whole five books of the Torah the word וינחם only appears in one other place…as Rabbi Fohrman would say “You guessed it…”  

וַיִּנָּ֣חֶם ה' כִּֽי־עָשָׂ֥ה אֶת־הָֽאָדָ֖ם בָּאָ֑רֶץ וַיִּתְעַצֵּ֖ב אֶל־לִבּֽוֹ

And the Lord regretted that He had made man upon the earth, and He became grieved in His heart.

Both have the same words, but Moshe helps create a different ending in the story. 


And, this is consistent with what we know about Moshe from before- the one who gets up to kill the Egyptian beating a Jew- standing up for the victim.  Then, he sees two Jews fighting and he intercedes. And, later he stands up against a “gang of shepherds” who were harassing Yitro’s daughters at the well.  Moshe was an upstander  As Rabbi Fohrman notes, “He always intercedes to save those in peril, no matter how powerful the aggressor. He never remains a mere bystander.”  That was the quality Hashem was looking for in a leader for the Jewish people. 


But the underlying quality that Moshe had, we see in Shemot 2:11, right before he goes out to save the Jew being hit by the Egyptian. וירא בסבלותם- “He looked at their burdens” and Rashi adds:  נָתַן עֵינָיו וְלִבּוֹ לִהְיוֹת מֵצֵר עֲלֵיהֶם- He directed his eyes and his heart to be distressed over them. That is what empathy is- he felt their pain in his own heart. 


As we approach Purim I like to call that an “Esther moment.” (This term is based on a term that I read in Rabbi Dani Cohen’s book What Will They Say About You When You Are Gone? Creating a Life of Legacy which he calls an “Elijah moment.” Interestingly enough, there is a children’s book by the name “Your Esther Moment”- which I have not read).  Esther had become queen and Mordechai asked her to approach Achashverosh on behalf of her people. Esther responds to Mordechai that anyone who approaches the king without being called will be put to death. This is another reason why people do not stand up to injustice, that we discuss in Advisory. People are afraid of the negative consequences they might suffer if they stand up for what is right.  


Mordechai responds,  

כִּ֣י אִם־הַֽחֲרֵ֣שׁ תַּֽחֲרִ֘ישִׁי֘ בָּעֵ֣ת הַזֹּאת֒ רֶ֣וַח וְהַצָּלָ֞ה יַֽעֲמ֤וֹד לַיְּהוּדִים֙ מִמָּק֣וֹם אַחֵ֔ר וְאַ֥תְּ וּבֵֽית־אָבִ֖יךְ תֹּאבֵ֑דוּ וּמִ֣י יוֹדֵ֔עַ אִם־לְעֵ֣ת כָּזֹ֔את הִגַּ֖עַתְּ לַמַּלְכֽוּת:

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and rescue will arise for the Jews from elsewhere, and you and your father's household will perish; and who knows whether for a time like this you attained the kingdom?"


Mordechai challenges her to be an upstander, and not a bystander and stand up for her people. She could have easily lived in luxury the rest of her life despite what was happening to her people.  Moshe could have easily lived in Pharaoh’s palace for the rest of his life, ignoring the plight of the Jewish people or could have allowed Hashem to make him into the start of a new nation after Cheit HaEgel, ignoring the plight of his people.  But, they were upstanders and would not stand idly by. 

One other reason we discuss for why people often remain bystanders and not upstanders is because they are afraid they will be considered “snitches” or “tattlers.” We stress the importance of telling an adult when something “unjust” or “wrong” is going on, even when it involves one’s friend. There is a difference between tattling to get someone in trouble and telling to get someone help.  When a friend is headed for trouble, we as loyal friends must do something. And, part of making that move is understanding the consequences of remaining silent. Most importantly, we try to help our students see that there are adults in their lives who are trustworthy and will try not to reveal the source of their information, if possible. 


Both Moshe and Esther are role models as “upstanders” for our students and for all of us. 


Advisory Update:

Sixth Graders:  Students discussed what to do when they experience conflict with a friend.


Seventh Graders: Students discussed the topic of BDS when it comes to Israel.


Eighth Graders:  Began their unit on substance abuse and focused on the dangers of alcohol. 


Sunday, February 18, 2024

Super Bowl and Life Lessons For Our Teens- 2024

  Yes, it is my traditional post-Super Bowl column.  (A reminder to those who haven’t read my column before this year, I have been writing lessons to learn from the Super Bowl for some years now the Sunday after the event. Full disclosure- I don’t watch the Super Bowl, but do try to nose around for lessons that can be gleaned).  

First, a thank you to the parents who helped their children be sensitive when it comes to making sure their Super Bowl get-togethers were not hurtful to others, including not posting photos of get-togethers. Thank you! 

This  year, I wanted to focus on a small thing that happened at the game that related to a conversation I had with some students in school this past week.  Teresa Hammond, in her “Mommy Musings” wrote about “Lessons And A Loss.”   She writes about a bit of time in the game to which many probably did not pay attention: 


Personally I know little about Travis Kelce. Google informed me he’s a premium tight end, makes $14 million a season and he was drafted by the Chiefs in 2013. Now he’s the main squeeze of Taylor Swift and football fans, as well as parents across the country, seem to have a lot to say about that…

As a parent and an athlete I was (and still am) appalled. For those who missed it, it came following a fumble by the Chief’s Isiah Pacheco, as Kelce watched from the sidelines. Clearly frustrated and feeling he could’ve done better, Kelce got in the face of longtime Chiefs Coach Andy Reid, as well as attempted to grab him by the arm.

A true seasoned professional, Reid blew him off and eventually Kelce was returned to the field. Brat move, in my humble opinion. One which should have placed him on the bench for the remainder of the game.

Reading on this topic the following morning, I have yet to find a piece written defending Kelce’s behavior. That’s refreshing. There are however numerous articles with speculation: had Reid benched him, he’d have lost his job; a fine would do nothing; refs wouldn’t eject a player for behavior of this nature and of course the had he been a B player versus who he is, this story would have played out drastically different.

Professional athletes, just like celebrities, like it or not are role models. Yes, I understand they too are human, yet they’re humans with many eyes (especially young ones) watching. Challenging a coach in such a manner, I don’t care who you are, is classless and disrespectful. That’s what young eyes saw on Sunday. One of the best in the game was so bold and full of himself that he challenged his coach during live play with no repercussions…

A game I will not soon forget, an outcome I’m still a bit confused by and a player who is at the center of the world’s attention professionally and personally who rather than publicly apologizing for his ill behavior blew it off post-game with, “Oh you saw that? I was just telling him I love him.” 

     So, while I have no idea if Travis Kelce is popular because of his skill or because he is dating Taylor Swift, (I imagine both), what a poor role model for our children watching the Super Bowl. 


Interestingly enough, during this past January break I went to my first live professional hockey game. I have been to hockey games in the yeshiva league, but other than that never. I was shocked to see the players fighting with each other on the ice. I know for those of you who are hockey fans that’s normal behavior, but I had never seen anything like it.  (In my research, I did uncover that there are actually rules in regards to this fighting). Predictably, I turned to my kids and my husband and said, “What poor role models for the children in the audience!”   We try to teach our children about sportsmanship, controlling one’s emotions and respect,  and these players are showing our kids exactly what not to do! And, it’s supported by the rules! 


Where is the sportsmanship we are constantly trying to teach our students.  Dr. Margaux Barnes writes in her article “How To Be A Good Sport” that sportsmanship is:

  • Follow the rules of the game. Accept calls and don't argue with officials.

  • Have a positive attitude and give your best effort.

  • Support your teammates by saying something like, "Good shot" or "Good try." Don’t criticize them if they make a mistake. You wouldn’t want someone blaming you if you miss a shot.

  • Treat the other team with respect and don’t tease or bully. Shake hands before and after the game. Help players up if they fall — even if they’re not on your team.

  • Take pride in giving your best at each practice and game. Winning is fun but don't rub it in. If you lose, accept the loss without getting upset or blaming others.

Luckily, here at Yavneh our coaches are wonderful role models when it comes to playing fair and respecting others. There is no way that such behavior in the Super Bowl or in the hockey games would be tolerated in a game, recess or physical education class.  (Just to add a shout-out to our physical education team, I have had conversations with every single one of them this year about concerns they have about their students not only being players, but also demonstrating true concern about each and every one of their students).  I do worry at times that during recess, when our students have oversight, but not coaching, they do at times have difficulties being “sportsmanlike.”  We continue to reinforce that being kind is always more important than winning. 

I recently came across an article written by someone named Nicholas Doorlay “How To Be Kind and Competitive” as he writes about becoming a “kindness certified sports’ team.” 

To a lot of athletes, kindness is uncool. This is a problem that not only manifests itself in the macho attitudes and atmospheres of high school sports such as football and basketball, but is also reflected in the fights and bouts we see during NBA, NFL, NHL, and MLB games. Tempers flare, and athletes are competitive people by nature. They’re just out there trying to win; you can’t blame them. It’s as simple as that…When you are in an atmosphere where kindness becomes the norm, you realize that it is indeed possible to be competitive and kind at the same time. For example, at my last track meet, we had 26 high jumpers vying for the top seven spots in order to move on to our section finals. Yet, every athlete out there was 100 percent supportive of the others and cheering everyone on. I was getting tips and pointers from the athletes whom I was competing with, and trying to beat.”  Our children look up to us when it comes to these behaviors and whatever we can do to reinforce kindness on the field is essential. 

I want to add that this "kindness" in sports is not limited to how athletes treat their teammates or their coaches. It also translates to how they treat the students who aren't on the team who may not be as athletic as they are. This past week, in our Sharsheret Pink Day Hoopathon, everyone gets to shoot hoops. One need not be athletic. It was wonderful to see how some of our stars on our teams made sure to not "show off" and to allow each person to have his/her moment to shoot. Those of us who are parents of athletes need to remind our children to be inclusive during recess and gym class, and not only throw to or choose the kids on the team.

This past Friday, our 8th graders were addressed by the YU Maccabees and the Lady Macs basketball teams. One primary theme of the Lady Macs was the importance of making a kiddush Hashem in the way you treat all the members of the other team and how you demonstrate sportsmanship. 

These instances of losing one's cool I described above reminded me of a conversation I had with some students about a situation in class. A teacher asked a student to stop engaging in a particular behavior. The student felt he was not doing that behavior.  He then went on to argue with the teacher in front of the class that he did not do that behavior. I am the first one to want to ensure that a child is not accused of something he/she is not doing. But, what I explained to the students is that answering back and arguing with the teacher will just make things worse. The best bet is to speak to the teacher after class and politely explain that perhaps the teacher misunderstood or “mis-saw” what you were doing. It takes real maturity for a child to hold himself back in a respectful manner, even if he disagrees, and then discuss it maturely after. Teachers truly admire that.   It requires self-restraint and containing one’s emotions- something that Travis Kelce and the hockey players I saw could not do. 


What I wanted to make clear to the students, that it is okay to respectfully disagree. In fact, as Rabbi Jonathan Sacks writes in his article “God Loves Those Who Argue”  that Judaism is actually very supportive of disagreement and arguing. Avraham and Moshe “disagreed” (respectfully) with Hashem Himself! 

Judaism supports arguments where it is one in which you give a respectful hearing to views opposed to your own, knowing that your views too will be listened to respectfully…Equally striking is the fact that the Sages continued the tradition and gave it a name: argument for the sake of heaven,[7] defined as debate for the sake of truth as opposed to victory.[8] The result is that Judaism is, perhaps uniquely, a civilisation all of whose canonical texts are anthologies of arguments. Midrash operates on the principle that there are “seventy faces” to Torah and thus that every verse is open to multiple interpretations. The Mishnah is full of paragraphs of the form, “Rabbi X says this while Rabbi Y says that.” The Talmud says in the name of God himself, about the conflicting views of the schools of Hillel and Shammai, that “These and those are the words of the living God.”[9]

A standard edition of Mikraot Gedolot consists of the biblical text surrounded by multiple commentaries and even commentaries on the commentaries. The standard edition of the Babylonian Talmud has the text surrounded by the often conflicting views of Rashi and the Tosafists. Moses Maimonides, writing his masterpiece of Jewish law, the Mishneh Torah, took the almost unprecedented step of presenting only the halakhic conclusion without the accompanying arguments. The ironic but predictable result was that the Mishneh Torah was eventually surrounded by an endless array of commentaries and arguments. In Judaism there is something holy about argument.

  But, the story of Korach is an example of when argument is not for the sake of Heaven, but just to achieve victory.  

“What the entire episode shows is the destructive nature of argument not for the sake of Heaven — that is, argument for the sake of victory. In such a conflict, what is at stake is not truth but power, and the result is that both sides suffer. If you win, I lose. But if I win, I also lose, because in diminishing you, I diminish myself… Argument for the sake of power is a lose-lose scenario. The opposite is the case when the argument is for the sake of truth. If I win, I win. But if I lose I also win — because being defeated by the truth is the only form of defeat that is also a victory.”

We want our students to have good sportsmanship on and off the field- in class, in their homes when they disagree with their parents, and on and off-line with their friends. Control your emotions, be respectful and if you can’t, take a break and come back later to discuss when you can be. 

I guess it’s too bad that Travis Kelce and the pro- hockey players I saw weren’t students at Yavneh Academy. Then they would have perhaps learned in their academic classes, Advisory classes and in their physical education classes how to be good sports. 


Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on Friendship- what qualities do we look for in a friend?

Seventh Grade:  Students learned more about the myths regarding Israel that are being spread and how to combat those myths. 

Eighth Grade: Post- Super Bowl students discussed ethics in sports. 


Sunday, February 11, 2024

The Pursuit of Happiness

  This past week I had the privilege to be a part of the Yachad Yavneh Shabbaton. What a wonderful experience for both our Yavneh students and the Yachad members (and the Yavneh faculty!)  Additionally, I had the opportunity to give a shiur to the women of the Shomrei Torah community as part of the Rosh Chodesh women’s shiurim series. I was thankful to be asked and it was so nice to see the amount of people who came. 

As we were about to embark on the month of Adar I what better topic than “The Pursuit of Happiness” as we know it says in  Gemara Taanit 29a  מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אֲדָר מַרְבִּין בְּשִׂמְחָה  “When the month of Adar begins, one increases rejoicing.”  And, this year we have two Adars- double the happiness! 


The topic of happiness is one that I have discussed in my column before, and when writing of this topic previously I have ALWAYS quoted different pieces of the writing of Dr. Tal Ben Shahar.  Dr. Tal Ben Shahar is the author of the books, Happier, Being Happy and The Pursuit of Perfect.  Dr. Ben Shahar was a professor at Harvard famous for his standing room only course on Happiness based on scientific research and practical strategies to achieve happiness. (He has since returned to Israel).  


Lo and behold, as I was preparing for my shiur, which of course would include some of Ben Shahar’s research, I came across an email in my inbox that Congregation Rinat Yisrael was hosting a book launch of the book An Ode to Joy- Judaism and Happiness in the Thought of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Beyond, a book of essays coedited by Erica Brown and Shira Weiss. My first thought was, of course, why couldn’t I have had this book before I prepared my shiur?!  Oh well!  I then continued reading and saw that the guest speaker would be Dr. Tal Ben Shahar who wrote the forward to the book!!! (For those of you who have been reading my column for some years, you know exactly why I put in so many exclamation points. I am definitely a fan). And, then, I thought again, why couldn’t I have given the shiur after hearing Dr. Ben Shahar in person and getting the book?! 


Ben Shahar began his presentation by discussing what true leadership is. It is not charisma or eloquence.   In fact we know that Hashem chose Moshe who was כבד פה וכבד לשון-  heavy of mouth and heavy of tongue, with some sort of speech impediment. Because, said Ben Shahar, the most important part of being a leader is not the ability to speak, but the ability to listen.  In thinking about the Yachad Shabbaton I realized that the leadership our students demonstrated at the Shabbaton involved their ability to listen to the Yachad members, and to cheer Yachad members on when they were in the circle. Our students’ leadership was not about the attention they received. It was about focusing their attention on others. 


He continued to base the rest of his presentation on the 5 aspects of Happiness according to his research. (I will only focus on one today- more material for future columns!) 

a. Spiritual well-being b. Physical well-being c. Intellectual well-being d. Relational well-being e. Emotional well-being. 


His points regarding relational well-being fit in perfectly with the Shabbat I had just experienced.  Relational well-being is the number one predictor of happiness.  But, it is not simply hanging out with friends.  Both in the introduction to the book and in his presentation that night, Ben Shahar spoke of the Hebrew word נ.ת.נ- to give. It is an unusual word as it is a palindrome- it can be read left to right or right to left.  He quoted research by Ed O’Brien and Sonja Lyubormirsky on happiness which noted that one of the “most powerful ways to increase our own happiness is through giving, because when we give we are given right back.”  And, then he quoted Rabbi Sacks “The best way of encountering G-d is to give.  The very act of giving flows from, or leads to, the understanding that what we give is part of what we were given…Happiness is not made by what we own. It is what we share.” 


And, he added that when we awaken in the morning we say מודה אני not אני מודה- notice the first word is not “I.”  Happiness is not about our own pleasure. Happiness is about giving to others. 


As I had shared in the shiur that Shabbat, Dr. Ben Shahar’s thesis on happiness can be summarized into: 



In order to achieve happiness one’s actions must hold present  benefit- pleasure and future benefit- meaning.  Happiness= present benefit + future benefit. 


In his book Happier he speaks about the “hedonism archetype.”  “A hedonist seeks pleasure and avoids pain. She goes about satisfying her desires, giving little or not thought to future consequences. A fulfilling life, she believes, is reducible to a succession of pleasurable experiences. That something feels good in the moment is sufficient justification for doing it until the next desire replaces it. “ Whereas, a person experiencing true happiness needs to feel as if his/her actions has an effect on the world.  To be clear, as you see above, one’s efforts to live a life of meaning, but also have some “present benefit”= pleasure. But, just pleasure without meaning will never lead to happiness. 


And, thus, the topic of my shiur was the “pursuit of happiness” words from our Declaration of Independence. Note that it does not say “ pursuit of life, pursuit of liberty and pursuit of happiness.” It only says “pursuit” in relation to happiness. While I am not an American history expert, to me it seems that achieving happiness is hard work, and one must actively pursue it. (Ben Shahar spends much time in his book discussing that “here on earth we need to work to be happy.”) 


So, in essence the timing was perfect.  As I sat and listened to Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, which connected some of his research to the words of Rabbi Sacks, I was reminded of why these Yachad Shabbatons are so important, and why in the next week alone I am busily planning Sharsheret Pink Day, and our next Chesed Team event.  What does the guidance counselor have to do with Chesed projects in the school? Ah...isn’t it obvious? Events like Sharsheret Pink Day, chesed team events and Yachad Shabbatons provide the meaning that our children need along with the pleasure.  That is why, if your child is a member of the Chesed Team, I always write,  “Looking forward to a fun and fulfilling event.”  


As I left Dr. Ben Shahar’s presentation, I stood on-line waiting to speak to him and for an autograph in his book Happier.  When I approached him I shared that I am a psychologist in a school and I quote him often, utilizing his strategies in our Advisory curriculum, quoting him in my column,  and just the day before I quoted him at least 3 times in a shiur I gave in the Fair Lawn community. He wrote to me,  “Dear Aliza, Thank you for spreading joy and happiness in our world.”  I told him, we are all working on it! 


Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students had a lesson on netiquette and  how to “not be rude” on-line. 

Seventh Grade:  Students began a new unit in Advisory “Do Not Stand Idly By” focusing on standing up to injustice in the world and among their peers. We started with a political action lesson on how to stand up for Israel when misconceptions regarding the war are rampant. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed how to deal with disappointments in life and resilience.