Responsive Parenting

Recently, I attended a conference called “The Responsive Classroom.”  To quote from their p.r. material, “It is a way of teaching that creates a safe, challenging and joyful classroom and schoolwide climate for all children. Teachers who use the Responsive Classroom approach understand that all of children’s needs- academic, social, emotional and physical- are important.  The teacher creates an environment that responds to all of those needs so that your child can do his or her best learning.”   

            Whenever I attend a conference for “work” I always have my parent hat on as well. (And, am always looking for material for my next column!)  What could I learn from the Responsive Classroom to help me create a Responsive Family?  

The application of  the term “responsive” to parenting is not new.  The World Health Organization published a report in 2006 that “While children need food, sanitation and access to health services to survive and develop optimally, a warm and affectionate relationship with an adult caregiver who is responsive to the child's needs is equally important.” Research indicated that responsive parenting is associated with social competence, fewer behavioral problems, increased intelligence and cognitive growth, higher school achievement, higher self-esteem and fewer emotional problems.  

            What is responsive parenting, according to this research?  Responsive parents “Observe their children, notice and interpret their cues, and take prompt action.  They respond to their child with love, consistency, empathy, kindness and humanity.  They question and seek to understand their own responses to their children and the familial and cultural background that informs them.  Responsive parents help their children to learn more about their responses to their own emotions, and to other people.  These parents acknowledge that all children are individual unique human beings who need to be responded to in individual unique ways.”

            Much of what was found in this research was elaborated in the Responsive Classroom program. Here are some basic ideas found in Responsive Classrooms that I think all parents can apply to their home situations:  

1. POSITIVE COMMUNITY:

a.             There is a positive sense of belonging and significance.  As noted in Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs- After basic physiological and security needs are met human behavior is then motivated by seeking a  sense of belonging.

b.            Common practices and traditions. In the classroom these would be daily activities. In my home, I like to think they are things like how we say Shema before we go to sleep, or our weekly Havdalah songs we sing.

c.             Sense of safety- We want our children to know that mistake making is good. We thereby support a growth mindset. As teachers do in the classroom, if we encourage our children to get involved with with low-risk situations, we can then highlight some mistakes and brainstorm together what can be done differently.

d.            Joy and engagement.  Being together should be joyful. However, there needs to be a  sense of purpose in what we are doing in addition to simply enjoying.

2.  ENGAGING ACADEMICS:

a.            Active and Interactive.  Students should be doing more talking than being taught.  Children should be engaged in more doing than listening.

b.            Use energizers to encourage more activity.  These are activities that might seem silly to the students, but shake things up and get them energized in the middle of class. Sometimes we need to take a break during the daily grind at home as well to re-energize.

c.             Appropriately challenging and purposeful. As parents, we can demand from each of our children different expectations based on their skill level.

d.            Connect with student interests and their strengths.  As parents, we too can connect with each child in our family differently.

e.            Allow students some autonomy and control.  When responsive teachers give students simple choices their motivation increases.  So, too we can as parents. “Would you like to wash the dishes or take out the garbage?”  

3.  EFFECTIVELY MANAGED CLASSROOM

a.            Laying foundation for positive behavior- In a responsive classroom teachers ask the students what their hopes and dreams are for the school year. From there they create rules with the students. The teachers model what the rules look like. Rules are stated positively.  As parents we can do the same.  We sit with our children and create the rules together- incorporating their input as well.  Rules are always stated in the positive, “We put away the dishes”  rather than “Don’t leave a dirty dish on the table.”

b.            Prevention-  We work harder on reinforcing  positive behavior rather than constantly reprimanding. We use reminding language - remind them proactively beforehand of a rule.  For example, “We are about to go to the bowling alley. Let’s remember what we said about buying snacks.”  We use redirecting language.  When we want to redirect them after broken a rule, we ask them to stop, go back and do it again.

c.              Responding to misbehavior- We can respond by  loss of privilege. For example, “If you can’t put your phone down when I ask you, you lose phone privilege for the evening.”  Reparations- you break it you fix it- is another technique.  For example, “If you made the mess in the basement, you clean it up.”  Positive time out- Even with teens (although we don’t call it time out) it is  time to regain control.

d.             Solving chronic problems- Chronic behavior infractions are dealt with by creating a contract with a child in a problem solving conference one on one with the child.  If the issue is class-wide and the teacher would have have a class meeting. The same would stand for a family.

4. DISCIPLINE-

The responsive classroom encourages teachers to consider, “What do you think, feel or imagine when you hear this word?” Most of us have fearful or negative feelings when it comes to discipline.  

a.            Discipline should rather relay faith in their abilities and give them the chance to try again. Avoid sarcasm.

b.            Rather than saying, “Can you sit down?” say simply, “Sit down.” Focus on the action you need.  Keep it brief.

c.             Be mindful of different developmental levels in classroom, and in your family- some need more time.

d.             We model positive behavior for our children.

Often, as parents we are so overextended and harried that we are “reactive” rather than “responsive.”  When we react  we are at a disadvantage as we react from the gut and our emotions take control.  The most primitive part of our brains is activated.  When we respond we take the time to be thoughtful and more logical.  We consider what we heard or saw and evaluate the best action to take.  We suspend judgment and preconceived notions.

 In essence, every one of us is a classroom teacher each day in our homes.  In Devarim 6:7 we are commanded, “ושננתם לבניך”  “And you shall teach it to your children.”  We are our children’s first and primary teachers.  We, however, do not always have the ability to attend a full day workshop to sharpen our skills as teachers to run “Responsive Families.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-  Sixth graders experienced a mock Bar/Bat Mitzvah to finish off their lessons on Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette.

Seventh Grade-  Seventh graders visited the Hackensack Homeless shelter as a culmination of their unit Operation Respect on empathy. They spent the past session seeing how they can apply what they learned to how they treat others in their own lives.

Eighth Grade-  “Why do good?” was a question the students explored with the help of Mr. Dennis Prager video of the same title. After just finishing their list of extra-curricular activities and volunteer experiences for high school, they stopped to consider, what would the world be like without goodness?

Harassment And Our Children- Our Role

Parents cannot ignore the daily sexual harassment updates in the news. We cannot hear the revelations each day without wondering and worrying.

Recently, Mrs. Aviva Najman, had sent me an e-mail sharing that she had seen a documentary called "The Mask You Live In,” which discusses the development of boys in American culture today.  This video spoke much about how we are not doing enough for our boys to help them grow into well-adjusted, resilient adults. In addition, it spoke about the culture of harassment that is fairly common in today’s American society.

What is it about boys in today’s society,  and consequently, what can we as parents do?   

In the video, it speaks of the stereotypical expectations placed upon boys today. They are told to “Man up.  Don’t cry.  Be aggressive.  Be angry, but not sad.”  These messages lead to men who cannot express how they are feeling. They are more prone to not have relationships or friends where they can truly share their innermost worries, pain and  emotions. These boys lack empathy.  This “mask”  leads to internalizing pain and to more acting out and depression.  

Boys at the ages of 15-19 have 5 times the rate of suicide than girls in that age range. This is the time period when you are a “mama’s boy” if you show emotion. This is  just when they face the most intense pressure to hide, as they are told that “when they are in the most in pain they can’t reach out because then they will not be a real boy... They live in an emotional mask that prevents them from expressing true feelings.”  We, as parents, socialize our boys in this manner without even realizing.  We need to ask our boys how they feel  more often, and say,  “It is okay to cry.”  

In my family, we used to laugh that my father, a”h, was a big crier. No matter what event, he was the first one to shed the tears.  The older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of that quality. I hope I am raising my boys to cry when needed.

There are three myths that go along with this mask in society today.  The first is that boys must be athletic.  This discourages boys who have other interests, like art, music or academics, from pursuing them.  Boys feel this tremendous pressure to prove themselves athletically.  All of us who have had a young boy know that intense pressure.

The second myth is that having money is manly.  When boys in America today are asked what they want to be when they grow up they say, “Rich.”  

And, then there is the third myth that leads to what we are seeing in the news today. “Sexual conquest is associated with masculinity.”   This begins in preschool, as Dr. Judy Chu notes in the video. Even then, the boys created a “be mean to girls club.”  If we are raising boys that they cannot have intimate friendships and relationships with empathy then they begin to think that intimacy has to be sexual.  The male role models in the media are the superheros- aggressive, violent and “perpetual adolescents” who degrade women.  The hip hop culture reinforces these three myths- including aggression against women.  Violent video games perpetuate this aggressive, less empathic  culture.  This does not even include how the internet has opened up an explicit  world of pornography where women are objectified and brutality is used against women. Society is a place where “men are always supposed to be on the prowl.”  There is the “great set-up…We raise them to reject the feminine side (i.e. emotions), and then we wonder why they disrespect women.”

(As you know, we recently hosted the Bostoner Rebbe here in our school. When he enters the room, one sees a man in Chasidic garb,  and one might wonder what can our Modern Orthodox children relate to in this man?  As our children respectfully listened to his words of encouragement and “chizuk” I realized that they were being introduced to what a true role model is as we were sending this message to the children that this is the type of person worthy of admiration).

Then the culture perpetuates the notion that you never “rat out” a brother.  There is a code of silence that exists no matter what wrong he is doing. I cannot betray him or I will be marginalized. No wonder so much harassment is condoned.

We need to be raising our boys by expanding what it means to be a man.

In our Advisory curriculum, for years we have been doing lessons with both the seventh grade girls and boys lessons on sexual harassment.  I actually read the New Jersey state law against sexual harassment so they see exactly what is included- a  joke that makes you uncomfortable, a cartoon hanging on a wall, or a text.  How do girls want to be treated? What does it mean to be treated like an “object”?  What is the difference between flirting and hurting- when does it cross the line?  Why don’t victims tend to come forward? What if the perpetrator is a person of power- a teacher, a coach, a division head? How does halacha and the Jewish view of relationships protect us from harassment? We also do a lesson with them on “Sntiching,” and why we are often hesitant to stop injustice from happening when a friend is involved.  We also do a lesson with our students on “who is a hero”-  who is that we look up to? Are celebrities role models? What if they do something against my values, do I still admire them?  We thereby highlight the difference between celebrities and role models.

This year, in response to what is happening in the news, we did a lesson with our 8th grade discussing current events,  (in a developmentally appropriate manner), and how events like this can even happen to teens. We spoke again about the importance of teens reaching out to their parents when they are worried.

One topic we discussed was the harassment that happens on-line. Teens are very hesitant to share this information, as they worry that their parents will see all the rest of their communications, and take away their devices.  (Which brings us again to the issue of their technology use. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO RSVP AND TO JOIN US AT TOMORROW EVENING’S WORKSHOP AT 8:00 PM ON “YOUR CHILD IN A DIGITAL WORLD”!)

It says in Masechet Avot 2:6:

וּבְמָקוֹם שֶׁאֵין אֲנָשִׁים, הִשְׁתַּדֵּל לִהְיוֹת אִישׁ:

In a place where there is no man, strive to be a man.

When I hear the expression “be a man”  I think of this mishna. I also think of Shemot 2:12 when Moshe grew up and went to see his enslaved brothers and,

יבוַיִּ֤פֶן כֹּה֙ וָכֹ֔ה וַיַּ֖רְא כִּ֣י אֵ֣ין אִ֑ישׁ וַיַּךְ֙ אֶת־הַמִּצְרִ֔י וַיִּטְמְנֵ֖הוּ בַּחֽוֹל:

12He turned this way and that way, and he saw that there was no man; so he struck the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.

Moshe was a real man.  When he saw there was no man, i.e. no one around to do the right thing, he had to be the man.  And, one can see the empathy here- as it says in the pasuk before וַיַּ֖רְא בְּסִבְלֹתָ֑ם “He looked at their burdens”  - as Rashi says

וירא בסבלתם: נתן עיניו ולבו להיות מיצר עליהם

And looked at their burdens: He directed his eyes and his heart to be distressed over them.

That was true empathy- the ability to feel their pain. That is true manhood.  As we discuss current events with our children, and remind them about how to stay safe, I hope we also remind our boys about what it means to be a man.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders begin on unit on Manners and Etiquette and discussed some basic rules of polite behavior they may not have realized exist.

Seventh Grade: Tackled the topic of the need of the homeless and realizing that we all face tough times, as part of their empathy unit.

Eighth Grade: Eighth graders began to uncover what their interests are and what makes them unique.  They thought about how that relates to how they present themselves to their future high schools.