True Heroism The Jewish Way

            Yesterday, February 22nd,  was  George Washington's birthday.  As we commemorated  Presidents'  Day this past week, and memorialized Presidents Washington and Lincoln, their birthdays were more thought-provoking for me than in the past.  During winter break my family travelled to Washington D.C.  Since this was not our first visit as a family, we added two new destinations to our itinerary.  We toured Ford's Theater and the museum which was about Lincoln's life, contributions, family and his death.   We also visited Madame Tussaud's Gallery of Presidents, where every past President is featured in a wax figure.  Our children took photos with every President, (as they sang the Presidents' song they learned in 2nd grade), and we took time to read about each President.   So, while Presidents' Day is often a day off from school, or a sale day to purchase end of the season items, for our family this year it was a day that came alive to commemorate heroes. 

            At the same time, I am beginning a unit in Navi with my seventh graders on  whether characters in Tanach should be viewed as perfect, or can they still be heroes and role models while having flaws. As the students learn the story of Kind Dovid and Batsheva, there are parshanim who defend Dovid's actions as being halachically correct.   This school of thought stresses the importance of placing our leaders on pedestals, establishing an ideal to which to aspire.  The belief that perfection does exist inspires us to achieve more.             Other commentaries admit that King Dovid's act was a sin, (as it relates in the pasukim, and Dovid himself admits),  and even tzaddikim do sin, "Ein tzaddik ba'aretz asher yaaseh tov v'lo yechtah," "There is no such thing as a righteous man in the land who does good and never sins."  

            These different schools of thought  are often found throughout Tanach when it comes to the mentioning of sins of characters in Tanach. Ramban and Rav Hirsch, among others, ascribe to the philosophy that "The Torah never hides from us the faults, errors, and weaknesses of our great men.   Just by that it gives the stamp of veracity to what it relates..."(Rav Hirsch, Bereishit 14:10).  Rav Hirsch continues to state that these faults do not minimize the greatness of these leaders, but rather makes them more instructive. We can look at them and state that they have the "same nature" as we do, and we therefore can emulate them.

          This difference of opinion as to whether our heroes and ancestors are to be considered flawless or as having human character flaws is interestingly noted by Doris Kearns Goodwin in her book Team of Rivals where she quotes Abraham Lincoln himself  and his view of George Washington.  "Years later, Whitney [a Lincoln legal colleague from 1850s] recalled a lengthy discussion about George Washington. The question for debate was whether the first president was perfect, or whether, being human, was fallible. According to Whitney, Lincoln thought there was merit in retaining the notion of a Washington without blemish that they had all been taught as children. 'It makes human nature better to believe that one human being was perfect,' Lincoln argued, 'that human perfection is possible.'"  Do we want to know that George Washington cut down that cherry tree? Do we want to know about JFK's indiscretions, and does that affect how we think about his legacy?  Perhaps we are too tolerant of flaws in our leaders today?

            Rabbi J.J. Schacter, in his lecture,  "Must Biblical Heroes Be Perfect?" notes that in today's society we have a much easier time with the perspective that highlights the flaws of our biblical heroes.  Our "anti-authoritarian" culture has a hard time accepting placing leaders on pedestals.  This does lead to a difficulty in accepting rabbinic authority and the ease at which we criticize our leaders.  Is this a good thing?

           

            Rabbi Schacter continues to wonder how this relates to our notion today of our parents.  How old were  you when you realized your parents were not perfect?   How does that affect our notion of parental authority in today's society?  

            As parents, we know we are not perfect.  There is some importance to letting our children know that we are not perfect and having them see that we are fallible.  The primary reason is that our acting as if we are perfect does not at all fool them. It also gives them permission to be imperfect too. We can make mistakes,  and then we model for them what a "hero" does to fix a mistake and to move on.  They also grow up not striving for unachievable perfection and not feeling as if they can never be good enough.

            What are some good ways to show that we are fallible?  When we make mistakes we should "laugh it off" and not make it into a big deal.  We need to say, "I'm sorry" when we make an error and own up to our mistakes.  We can even model our thought processes and analyze why we made the mistake and we can do to do better next time.  Demonstrate how we learn from our mistakes, but we do not dwell on them. 

           

            Rabbi Shmuley Boteach speaks about our quest to be perfect parents.  "We live in a society that invites constant comparison and, in a desire to be perfect, people actually become imperfect.  What happens when you try to be the perfect parent is that you bring an unrealistic standard into your home that no one can live up to', Rabbi Shmuley says. 'Nothing is ever good enough and, as a result, you raise your children to feel stressed, under pressure and unable to forgive themselves for being human.  The healthy parents are the ones who show their humanity. Humanity is found in the struggle and hard work,' he says... . 'Remember, it is far better to have a human household filled with light and laughter than one filled with so-called 'perfect people.'"

            In this past week's 8th grade Advisory we discussed Alex Rodriguez and his being suspended due to his involvement in using performance enhancing substances.  We recalled with the students how he was accused in 2006 of using steroids in 2003 and at first denied it.  Then, he later admitted it.  Now, he again denies use of illegal substances. Do we believe him?  After he admitted in 2006, would you still be comfortable with his being a role model for Americans?  Is it okay for heroes to falter, as he did then, as long as they "come clean"?  And, now that it is happening again- how much faltering is he allowed while still maintaining his hero status?

            The discussion of who makes hero,  and when does that hero lose our admiration is an important discussion to have with our children.  Recently, I read another column of Rabbi Boteach about Justin Beiber.  A few weeks ago he was arrested in Miami when he and his "entourage" blocked off a residential street to drag race high-end sports cars.  "The society that turned a boy into the Bieb also deserves blame. There's something sick in turning celebrities into gods..."  

            Cleary the "Bieb" and "A-rod" are not the role  models we want for our children.  L'havdil, we want their role models to be Dovid HaMelech,  Moshe Rabbeinu, the Avot and the Imahot who may have had flaws, (according to some), but were better people for those flaws.  More importantly,  by exposing those flaws, the Torah allows us to become better people. That is a hero.

The Lessons of Inclusion and "Behold"

 “Hiney ma tov u'manaim shevet achim gam yachad.” “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to to dwell together in unity.” The words of Tehillim 133:1 were on our minds this past Shabbat's Yavneh -Yachad Shabbaton. The name of the organization Yachad explains its mission- the inclusion of every member of the Jewish community. In fact, February is National Inclusion Month. One can clearly see the benefit for our students as they work with the Yachad members. It creates a sensitivity and caring that cannot be taught. (And, it is no coincidence that we hold this Shabbaton each year at the shul called Ahavat Achim. We thank the community for opening their homes and shul, and showing our students what true unity is about).

There is also the message of “Hiney” “Behold” that our students learned this weekend. What is this lesson? The secret to this lesson is found in pasuk 2 in Mizmor 133, where it states, “As the good oil on the head runs down upon the beard, the beard of Aaron, which runs down on the mouth of his garments.” What does Aharon's beard have to do with brothers sitting in unity?

Interestingly enough, in a shiur I was privileged to share this past Shabbat, we discussed the reaction of Moshe when Hashem shared with him that he would be the leader to take the Jews out of Egypt. In Shemot 3:10, Moshe asks Hashem instead to send Aharon, as Rashi points out in 10:14, as he was afraid that Aharon would be resentful that his “little brother” was chosen instead of him. But, Hashem responds in Shemot 4:14 that “Behold, he is going out to meet you and when he sees you, he will rejoice in his heart.” There will be no jealousy, but only happiness for his brother. Aharon was able to overcome the sibling rivalry that many children and adults feel. But, still Moshe refused to take the leadership position for seven days. He was therefore punished that he would not be the Kohen Gadol, as was the original plan. His brother Aharon would play that role.

This transferring of the High Priesthood to his brother is born out this week's parasha. The entire Parasha of Tetzaveh does not even mention Moshe's name. It is in this parasha that Aharon was chosen to begin the kehunah, and it is as if Moshe symbolically is stepping aside to allow his brother to have the limelight. In Tehillim “like precious oil upon the head...” is referring to when Moshe annointed his brother as Kohen Gadol. Rabbi Mordechai Willig points out that the Midrash Vayikra 3:6 highlights that the word “beard” is repeated since “when Moshe saw the oil on Aharon's beard, he rejoiced as if it was running down his own. Moshe reciprocated Aharon's expression of joy and lack of jealousy.”

Rabbi Willig continues to point out that the word “behold” is used above when Aharon was joyful with Moshe's leadership, (Shemot 4:14), and also when Hashem shared with Aharon, "Behold I have given you the gift of kehuna," (Bamidbar 18:8). And, then again in Tehillim “Behold, how good and pleasant is the dwelling of brothers together.” “Behold" (Hineh) is an expression of joy, as in 'Behold...he will rejoice in his heart'(Rashi)... This is the meaning of the expression 'Behold.' One must recognize that his lot is ordained by Hashem, and be happy with it. Everyone will be called by name, set in place and given a position. No one shall encroach upon your wealth or kingdom, even for as much as a hairsbreadth (Yoma 38b-39a)... 'behold', describes the joy of these two great brothers, Moshe and Aharon. It also challenges all of us to eliminate jealousy and to happily accept the lot that Hashem has ordained for each and every one of us. Only then will we all be able to dwell as brothers in unity. How good and pleasant will it be!”

 (In fact,  new research indicates that true friendship does not only mean being "there" when a friend has trouble to support him/her.   A true friend is able to be "there" for you when things are going right for you- without any jealousy. It's the ability, as we say in Yiddish and Hebrew,  to "fargin" the other having better than you. And, even more so, the research continues that the" happiest people are the ones who are present when things go right for others—and whose own wins are regularly celebrated by their friends as welll").

The message of “behold” is one our students receive when they interact with the Yachad members. Despite having developmental disabilities, the sheer happiness these children have reflects the ability to “happily accept the lot that Hashem has ordained for each and every one of us.” It puts it all into perspective for our typically developing students, as they realize the importance of being happy with their lots in life. As Rabbi Willig said, “ Everyone will be called by name, set in place and given a position.” In a community that believes in and practices inclusion, everyone does have a place. As parents, we need to constantly remind ourselves and our children of the lessons of “behold”- how lucky we are and how thankful we are to Hashem for granting us the lot we were given. “Eizehu ashir, hasameach b'chelko” “Who is rich? One who is happy with his lot.” (Avot 4:1) Isn't raising happy children our goal?

Advisory Updates:

Sixth Graders- Discussed the differences between spoken (direct) and unspoken (indirect) peer pressure.

Seventh Graders- Discussed resiliency and the skills needed for resiliency.

Eighth Graders- Continued practical discussions about cheating and the high stakes and pressures many students face in school.

The Super Bowl and Resiliency

 “They told me it couldn't be done that I was a lost cause. I was picked on and picked last. Coaches didn’t know how to talk to me. They gave up on me. Told me I should just quit. They didn’t call my name. Told me it was over. But I’ve been deaf since I was 3, so I didn’t listen.” These are the words of Seattle Seahawk's Derrick Coleman in a Duracell commercial. He is the first legally deaf football player to make it to the Superbowl.

Coleman's appearance in today's Superbowl fit in perfectly with our 7^th grade Advisory Unit on Resiliency- “When Life Gives You Lemons.” Despite being rejected at first, he did not give up. Coleman describes that until he started playing football he was taunted and bullied. And, of course, the hours with audiologists and language therapists learning how to read lips and navigate in the world at large was intense. One can only imagine the amount of effort and persistence it takes for him to play football and understand what the coaches and players need from him. All those who work with him state that there is never any difficulty.

From where does resilience like Coleman's come? His teammates maintain that he has two survival skills- concentration and focus, and “whatever it takes.” All success takes hard work- and Coleman does not shy away from it. Coleman stresses, “If you really want something, you find a way to make it happen....People with disabilities should never make excuses for why they cannot achieve their goals...I just have to work a little harder.”

Those who know Coleman well say that he never has a bad day. Coleman agrees that he tends to have that optimistic point of view. "That's just the way I approach my life," Coleman said. "Every day I wake up and I get a chance. I always say that God blessed me this morning and I can do what I do. Our time in this world is very limited. It can be gone now or it can be gone later so I take advantage of every opportunity I have whether it's playing football, working or whatever. I'm just a happy guy. There's no reason for me to ever get mad."

Students assume that celebrities with “blessed” lives have it easy. They forget about the many years of struggle and the resiliency needed to bounce back and persist after failure. We do an activity with the students about famous people who nearly failed, and if it weren't for their not giving up, they would have failed. “Ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time”- who is this? Abraham Lincoln. “ His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”- Dr. Seuss. “Flunked the sixth grade. As a sixteen-year-old in Paris, a teacher had written on his report card, 'Shows a conspicuous lack of success.' He wished to become a military leader, or a great statesman. As a student, he failed three times in his exams to enter the British Military Academy.” Winston Churchill.

“As a high school student, he felt so unpopular with the girls that he thought he might never be able to find a wife. That's why he took a cooking class. He thought he might never have anyone to cook for him.” - Michael Jordan. What do they all have in common? Stick-to-it -iveness- as defined by Merriam- Webster, “The quality that allows someone to continue trying to do something even though it is difficult or unpleasant.” Otherwise known as resiliency.

Each year, I share the visit of Rabbi Yitzy Haber, a Teaneck native, who addressed our 7^th graders last Monday. He shares his story of his battle with cancer and losing his leg in a humorous and entertaining manner, thereby demonstrating how he coped with difficulties in life- with humor. (You can read his story at http://www.aish.com/sp/so/A_Leg_to_Stand_On.html). This year, Yitzy highlighted his “stick-to-it-iveness” throughout his struggle. He spoke about his need at the age of Bar Mitzvah to learn how to walk again after his amputation. He described his first session with the physical therapist. He thought she was going to teach him how to walk. She said, “First let me teach you how to fall.” He was confused- didn't he come to learn how to walk?” She asserted, “If you don't learn how to fall the right way, you won't be able to get up again after you fall.” He pointed out to the students that this was a lesson for life. Of course we will all “fall” and face failure and disappointments. However, if we learn how to fall- with maintaining optimism, and with the hard work and focus it takes to stand up again, it is easier to get up again. Yitzy stressed that this was a metaphor for his life. He could have chosen to be angry and bitter. He would have then fallen and never gotten up. But, he chose to be hopeful and resilient.

Mishlei 24:10 states, “If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small.” True strength is the ability to stand again. In 24:16 it adds, “For a righteous man falls seven times, and yet rises up again; but the wicked stumble into calamity.” Why the number seven? It represents many times. No matter how many times the righteous fall, they get up again- they fell down the “right” way.

In this week's parasha we begin to discuss the building of the Mishkan. In the final days of setting up the Mishkan (Bamidbar 7:1) it states twice that Moshe “annointed it and sanctified it.” Rashi explained, “On the day that Moshe had finished setting up the Mishkan...” We learn that on each day of the seven days of the installation of the Kohanim Moshe erected the Mishkan and took it down, but on the eighth day he erected it and and did not take it down.” Rabbi Benzion Sobel explains why Moshe would erect and then dismantle. He compares it to the Midrash in Bereishit Rabbah 3:7 which states that before Hashem created the world he created many worlds and destroyed them. Why? And, this is most particularly confusing since Hashem knows what the product will be before it is even finished and knows exactly what He wants it to be like. This is meant to be a lesson for us.

In the battle with the Yetzer Hara, we will fail and fall many times. But, the tzaddik never gives up. Our greatest adversary is “Yeush”- giving up, hopelessness. If the Yetzer Hara can convince the person that his situation is hopeless, and it does not pay to go on, he has won the war. Hashem created worlds and destroyed them until He “got it right.” Moshe Rabbeinu did the same to show us that we cannot discouraged “if we worked very hard, with tremendous self-sacrifice, to build something great, only to see it crumble before our very eyes. As much as it hurts, we must not get discouraged, but strengthen ourselves and start again.”

Rabbi Sobel highlights the story of Rabbi Akiva-who lost 24,000 students and then went to the the south of Eretz Yisrael (Yevamot 62b) to gain five new students. One can imagine the strength and the stick-to-it-iveness it took for him to overcome his disappointment and sorrow after losing all of his talmidim, and to muster the strength to build again.

I know that at this point, most of us prefer to focus on on the actual score of the game and the food. I apologize if I am interrupting. After it is over, perhaps Derrick Coleman can give us food for thought and discussion with our children.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Have begun a unit on Peer Pressure launched by an interactive Improv program.

Seventh Grade: Have begun a unit of Facing Adversity in Life and Resiliency.

Eighth Grade: Second half of the year focuses on preparing for life in High School. This past week's topic was about Cheating.