Process Praise Parenting... A Sukkot Message

Although we have only had about 10 days of school, as noted in my previous column, our students have already begun setting goals for themselves.   What if they cannot achieve the grades that they seek? What if they fail at achieving what they perceive as academic success? As we leave Yom Kippur and approach Sukkot we, adults, feel the same way. All those things we promised we would do better...now we actually have to do them.  That can seem a bit intimidating. What if we can’t do it all? What if we fail?

`Both Judaism and psychology can provide the key to maintaining confidence,  and not becoming dejected by failure. When one thinks about it, the transition from the Yamin Noraim to Sukkot is going from the most somber and introspective days of the year to the happiest one- when there is an actual mitzvah of  “ושמחת בחגך”- to be happy. What is the connection between these totally different time periods?  The answer can be found in a better understanding of the happiest day in Sukkot- the day of the Simchat Beit Hashoeva- “The water drawing celebration” In  the time of the Beit Hamikdash, there was a glorious celebration when the kohanim poured water next to the mizbeach and there was dancing, song and the whole Jewish people came out to celebrate. The mishna (Sukkah 51a) states, “Mi sheloh ra'ah Simchat Beit Hashoevah loh ra'ah simcha miyamav, ”Whovever has not seen the Simchat Beit Hashoeveh celebration never saw true simcha in his life.”

But, Rav Kook, as noted in by Rabbi Chanan Morrison, points out that the name of the celebration is strange. Why is called the celebration of “drawing water”? In fact, we know that at the celebration there was pouring of water- not drawing the water. The water was drawn the day before from the Shiloach pool.  It should have been called “Simchat Beit Hnisuch” - the pouring. This points out that the main event was not the pouring, but the actual preparing before the event- the drawing of the water- that is what the people were celebrating.   This seems to be counter- intuitive.  Rav Kook points out that this teaches us an important lesson.  Every person’s actions can be divided into two parts- the means and the ends. The ends are the final goals- the final dreams and what we want to achieve.  The means are the daily steps and small actions that we need to do to get there- the effort.  Most people only place importance on the ends- and fail to see the importance in the effort and the work it takes to get there. We need  to celebrate the effort.

That is the message of the joyful holiday following Yamim Noraim. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are when we establish our goals for the year- but those goals take hard work each day and effort.  There is also value to that hard work.  If one only focuses on the goal, if one does not achieve that goal then you are devastated.  It is the journey to the goal that is important- that journey needs to be celebrated even if we fail to achieve our goals. As it says in Masechet Avot 5:23, לפום צערא עגרא- According to the effort is the reward.   

Dr. Carole Dweck, famous for her book Mindset, reveals a truth that when kept it in mind can change one’s perspective on success.  Dweck believes that most people have a misunderstanding of what intelligence truly is. This misunderstanding is integrally connected to how we as parents and teachers praise our children.  In reality, intelligence is not fixed, but can be enhanced through learning.  We often praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!”  This simply sets them up for negative feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term.  On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their perseverance, strategies, improvement, leads to greater self- confidence.  “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “ You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can do together to figure out what you do not understand.”

Dweck studied the effects of praise over and over with children in different settings and of different ethnicities.  In one study, some children were told, “You must be smart at these problems” and the other group were told “You must have worked hard at these problems.” Students who were praised for intelligence blamed problems they got wrong on their intelligence, while the group praised for effort attributed those wrong problems to effort...and felt they could do better the next time. When children were given a choice to choose a task, those in the intelligence praise group only chose activities they knew they could do well.  Those in the “process praise” group chose tasks from which they thought they could learn.  Dweck emphatically found, “Praising students’ intelligence give them a short burst of pride, followed by a long string of negative consequences…Students praised for effort made more reference to skills, knowledge, and areas they could change through effort and learning...Process praise keeps students focused, not on something called ability that they may or may not have and that magically creates success or failure, but on processes they can all engage in to learn.” Most importantly, Dweck stressed that effort is as important as talent.

  Dr. Angela Duckworth, in her theory about the importance of grit, adds to Dweck’s theory by also stressing the essential nature of  effort. “Grit entails working strenuously toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest over years despite failure, adversity and plateaus in progress. The gritty individual approaches achievement as a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina.  Whereas disappointment or boredom signals to other that it is time to change trajectory and cut losses, the gritty individual stays the course.” Effort and the ability to not give up creates the champion.

            So, as we begin a new year in school and in life- we may not always achieve those religious and academic goals we have set for ourselves, but  may we always remind our children and ourselves that it is the effort that counts, and as long as we try our best we have succeeded.  As parents, we play an integral role in reinforcing the importance of effort with our children by the way we challenge and praise them.

Advisory Update:

The Advisory groups who met during this short week:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the skills of a good discussion.  They also got copies of our last year’s sixth graders tips for success in middle school. They had the chance to contemplate and discuss what they thought the keys to success in middle school are.

Seventh Grade: Our boys began Advisory this week and left the first lesson with the understanding of their role in changing the world around them and their ability to change themselves.

Eighth Grade: In the footsteps of our Amazing Maize Maze activity last Friday, our students discussed a video of the book Who Moved My Cheese by Spencer Johnson.  It is a story about four characters trying to get through a maze, (the maze of life), that’s truly a parable about changing one’s beliefs and perspectives and overcoming fear to achieve success. 

Back To The Future

Each year, one of our first Advisory activities that we do with the 8th graders is visit the website futureme.org.  Futureme.org is a website designed so that you can write yourself a letter to be delivered at sometime in the future.  We ask our 8th graders to set goals for themselves for the year, and then they write a letter to themselves which will be delivered to their e-mail on graduation day. They can then see, did they achieve the goals they set for themselves? (Of course, they first learn that their goals need to be SMART, as all goals they set in life- Specific and Savvy, Measurable and Meaningful, Attainable and Active, Reachable and Relevant, Timed and Trackable).

Interestingly enough, my daughter brought home an article from her class that referenced a research study that indicated the impact of “future me.”  (Who knew that “future me” was a real term?)  Hanna Perlberger, in her article “How Valuable Is It To LIve As If Every Day Were Your Last?”  recommends considering “future me” when choosing a course of action.

“As a technique for shaping present behavior, I think fast- forwarding 20, 30 or more years...is a powerful exercise.  When a upset intrudes into my life, for example, I ask myself whether this state of affairs will exist or matter [later in my] life.  Knowing that I probably won’t even remember something that’s bothering me now gives me the healthy perspective I need to make better choices about how to cope.

On the other hand, when I am struggling with a decision, I can also ask my future self whether I will someday regret that I didn’t make a certain choice. I visualize looking back on my life as having gone down either path, and I imagine how I will feel having lived with the consequences of each choice. Will I feel remorse or peace, sorrow or fulfillment?”

The research study regarding “future me” attempted to ascertain whether projecting oneself into the future can help one make better decisions for today.  College students were asked what they would do if they could not afford a computer, but were told by a friend that he knew where to get stolen computers.  Subjects were told to write letters to their “future self” before making a decision.  Some were asked to write letters to their future selves in three months and some wrote letters to their future selves in 20 years.  Interestingly enough, most who only projected themselves to three months were willing to take the stolen computers- they were unable to step out of their present selves to get a different perspective. Those who projected to their future selves 20 years later were able to use their wiser future perspective to choose the better choice- to not take the computers.  

Overall, the study did indicate that one’s “future self”  can be a trusted advisor when it comes to making decisions in life.  Clearly, writing a letter to one’s future self can have an impact.  In fact, other such research, has subjects look at virtual images of their future selves- so they can see themselves as aged-progressed images. Such subjects were more likely to save financially for the future.  Viewing such age-progressed photos impacted other choices as well.  There are those who recommend actually printing such a photo of yourself,  (there are apps that can age your image on the spot), and hang it up as a reminder of your future self to ensure good decision- making.

  As parents, teaching “future self thinking” to our children sends the essential messages to them that:

1.    If a decision does not have a long-term benefit then it may not worth doing.  This type of thinking takes the focus away from only the here and now. When I see that delicious cake and I decide to eat three pieces, I am only thinking of the here and now and not the long-term ramifications.  Future me reminds me of those ramifications to avoid impulsive decisions. It forces us to constantly evaluate our choices and not decide on a whim.   Who more than a teenager needs that guidance?

2.    It brings us to imagine our future selves and to consider whom we want to become.  Are you happy with your present self? Are you on the path to achieving your goals?  Constant self-improvement is part of considering ones future self.

We want to consider our “future selves” regularly, which will motivate us to make better choices in life, set goals and find ways to keep those goals. When we can imagine our future selves we can better make choices that will benefit those future selves.  As Melissa Dahl says in her article, “It’s Time To Get Acquainted With Your Future Self” “There is one person whose wants and needs you routinely ignore, opting instead to tend to your own immediate desires, and that person is future you. When it comes to making decisions that will have some effect on your long-term health or happiness — for example, whether or not to go to the gym today, in keeping with your New Year’s resolution — current you is always finding a new way to steal from future you. It’s time the two yous got better acquainted.”

            As we approach Yom Kippur, and each one of us is engaged in the Teshuva process, writing letters to our future selves could possibly be a Teshuva tool to help us become better people.  We know that one integral step of Teshuva is קבלה על העתיד -  the promise to not return to the action in the future.  Whom do I want to be in the coming year? More importantly, (and more impactfully, according to the research),  whom do I want to be in 20 years or 30 years?  What can I do now to change and become that person? Unlike Marty McFly in Back To The Future, we cannot travel to our future to see what it holds. But, we can imagine.  Perhaps send yourself  a letter at futureme.org,  and then see years later if you have achieved what you had imagined.

           

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Students began learning how to have productive discussions and the skills needed for such discussions.  (Please note that only half of our sixth graders have begun Advisory, as our Tuesday groups have not yet met).

Seventh Grade: While our girls began Advisory last week, our boys will have their first session this coming week. They will be introduced to the theme of the 7th grade Advisory curriculum “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” through focusing on the fact that kids can in fact make a difference and the importance of self- change and working on self- improvement.

Eighth Grade:  While only a few of our groups had Advisory the first week, this past week, the rest began as well. Students began with real-life interviews of Yavneh graduates discussing what the 8th grade year is like.  These interviews launched the topics of the  first half their Advisory year. Students also played a getting to know you game to learn more about their fellow advisees and adviser- Mrs. Rubin.

A Clean Notebook? Write A Blockbuster This Year!

            As the new school year begins there is nothing like the feeling of that fresh notebook.   September 4th began a clean slate for students, teachers and parents.  As a student, it does not matter if you forgot to do your homework over and over again last year.  If you couldn’t stop talking during Chumash class...all is forgiven.  It’s your opportunity for a fresh start. As a teacher, if your lessons were not as well-prepared as they should have been, or you lost patience with one student, all begins again.  It is your opportunity to do it better this year.  And, as parents, if we didn’t oversee our children’s work enough, (that’s why he kept on forgetting to do it), or we were “helicopter parents,” and did not give him enough independence to do his work on his own, it too is a new year with a clean “notebook.”  No one has judged us.  No grades have been issued.  Nothing is yet written.

            Beginning the school year so close to Rosh Hashana begs for the comparison between the start of the new school year and the new Jewish calendar year.  As we know, at this time of year there is another clean and open book that Hashem opens in which He begins to write.

"בְּרֹאשׁ הַשָּׁנָה יִכָּתֵבוּן, וּבְיוֹם צוֹם כִּפּוּר יֵחָתֵמוּן"

“On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed, and on Yom Kippur it is sealed,” are the words we heartfully sing on the Yamim Noraim.

This image of Hakadosh Baruch Hu sitting with the books open before Him and busily writing is an image that, since we were young children, has indelibly made its way into our minds, and has inspired our tefillot on Yamim Noraim. However, when one thinks about it, a book is not only open during these yimei ratzon.  There is a daily recording throughout the year. As we know, Rabbi Yehuda Hanasi wrote in Masechet Avot 2:1:

הִסְתַּכֵּל בִּשְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים וְאִי אַתָּה בָא לִידֵי עֲבֵרָה, דַּע מַה לְּמַעְלָה מִמְּךָ, עַיִן רוֹאָה וְאֹזֶן שׁוֹמַעַת, וְכָל מַעֲשֶׂיךָ בַסֵּפֶר נִכְתָּבִין:

Keep your eye on three things, and you will not come to sin: Know what is above you —  An Eye that sees, and an Ear that hears, and all your deeds are written in a book.

            What is the message of this image of everything being written in a book on high?  Is the image of Hashem writing and recording all we do meant to intimidate and terrify us?  I know that for a child the Yamim Noraim are often seen as scary and even sad days.  I recall my year in Israel, when Yom Kippur night there was joyous dancing in shul.  It struck me as so different from the perception that many of us have of these days. These are truly joyous days, as Hashem forgives us.  So, how can we reimagine the image of every iota being recorded with a joyous perspective?  I once read that perhaps it is not Hashem as a harsh judge, but rather as a “compassionate editor.”  He lets us know which parts we should “edit” and how to improve our “life story.”  The editor is not waiting for us to trip up, but rather He is eager for us to write a blockbuster.

             This image of the open sefer particularly hits home to us in the age of technology. Aliza Feder quotes the Chafetz Chaim, in her article “Tech Talk.” “The Chafetz Chaim said that the first sound recording device was invented so the generation would better understand the teaching that all of our deeds are marked in a book.  So does the ubiquity of digital video and voice recorders mean our generation needs that message made even plainer? The smartphone culture instills in us a need to document everything in our lives.  Every event, no matter how big or small —  every outfit, three-dollar coffee, cute face our kids makes —  needs to be captured…”

Rabbi Yaakov Feitman says one can truly understand this open book by comparing it to the webcams, baby-monitors, doorbells who record your comings and goings, and items that record us without our knowing.

In essence, in an age when all is recorded, and our “digital footprints” imprinted, one can truly imagine the G-dly recording.  The difference is that an e-mail or text sent, is forever somewhere in cyberspace.  That which is recorded by Hashem is erasable through teshuva.

True that one perspective is that the books open before Hashem are not meant to intimidate or terrify us, but rather are ways for Hashem to find forgiveness for us.  I would like to present another perspective —  that the sefer maasim does in truth record all, and that it is meant to be a bit intimidating… for our own benefit.  An article from Reader’s Digest, “Your Permanent Record,” by Bob Greene highlights that other viewpoint.  Although it is lengthy, I feel including it here will make an impact.

You remember the Permanent Record. In school you were constantly being told that if you messed up, the news would be sent to the principal and placed in your Permanent Record.

Nothing more needed to be said. No one had ever seen a Permanent Record. That didn't matter. We knew it was there.

We imagined a steel filing cabinet crammed full of Permanent Records — one for each kid in the school. I think we always assumed that our Permanent Record was sent on to college with us, and later to our employers —  probably with a duplicate to the U.S. government.

I have a terrible feeling that mine was the last generation to know what a Permanent Record was —  and it has disappeared as a concept in society.

There was a time when people really stopped before they did something they knew was deceitful, immoral, or unethical. They didn't stop because they were such holy folks. They stopped because they had a nagging fear that if they did the foul deed, it would end up on their Permanent Record.

At some point in the last few decades, I'm afraid, people wised up to something that amazed them: there is no Permanent Record. They discovered that no matter how badly you fouled up your life or the lives of others, there was nothing about it on your record. You would always be forgiven, no matter what.

So pretty soon men and women,  instead of fearing the Permanent Record, started laughing at it. The things they used to be ashamed of —  that once made them cringe when they thought about them —  now became "interesting" aspects of their personalities.

If the details were weird enough, the kind of things that would have really jazzed up the Permanent Record, people sometimes wrote books confessing them, and the books became best-sellers. they found out that other people, far from scorning them, would line up in bookstores to get their autographs. Talk-show hosts would say, "Thank you for being so honest with us. I'm sure our audience understands how much guts it takes for you to tell us these things." Permanent Records were being opened up for the whole world to see — and the sky didn't fall in.

As Americans began to realize that there probably never had been a Permanent Record, they deduced that any kind of behavior was permissible. All you had to do was say, "That was a real crazy period in my life." All would be okay.

And there is where we are today. We have accepted the notion that no one is keeping track. No one is even allowed to keep track. I doubt you could scare a school-kid nowadays by telling him that the principal was going to inscribe something on his Permanent Record; the kid would file a suit under the Freedom of Information Act and expect to obtain his Permanent Record by recess. Either that, or call it up on his or her computer and delete it.

As for us adults, it has been so long since we believed in the Permanent Record that the very mention of it now brings a nostalgic smile to our faces. We feel naive for ever having believed there was such a thing.

            We live in a society where “everything goes,” and some even gain fame and glory from their misdeeds. But, we as Jews do not believe that is the case.  Jews are meant to be רחמנים ביישנים וגומלי חסדים — to have a sense of shame —  (as noted in Yevamot 89a).  In fact, Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler in Michtav M’Eliyahu Part 1, page 253 asserts that when a person feels ashamed of a sin, not only is that sin forgiven but all of his sins are forgiven. His shame demonstrates that he is ashamed that he transgressed Hashem’s will.

 There is some shame that is missing in the general culture today.  It is good for our religious development for us to realize that someone is always watching and recording. It creates a sense of responsibility to actually do the right thing...even when no one is physically there.  With our students, we often use the imagery that in order to decide if an act is appropriate, ask yourself — would you do it if someone you respect, your teacher, principal, the President was standing there and watching? As parents, we do not want to raise fearful and nervous children, but we do want to raise children who have some sense that everything they do matters and counts.  Sometimes, we are so focused on raising children who are always feeling good about themselves that we forget to help them do what it is right.  It is for their and our  benefit to envision Hashem’s book open and recording. 

There has been much recent research on the benefit of some inner sense of shame.   In the past, psychologists all maintained that shame was maladaptive and harmful.  However, research from the National Academy of Sciences demonstrates that shame is actually a way of maintaining social order.  As Amy Ellis Nutt writes in her article  “Feel Ashamed? Good For You!”  “Step out of line, transgress the codes of normal behavior, and we risk being devalued by others in the community. Shame, or the fear of it, prevents us from acting outside the norm.  In other words, it is a healthy defense mechanism.”  As the authors of the study maintain that shame is “...designed to deter injurious choices and to make the best of bad situation.”  We need shame to succeed as a society.   As Shoshana Kordova writes in her article, “The Evolutionary Advantage of Feeling Ashamed of Yourself,” anticipating the shame we will feel if we, for example, become a thief and are found out, helps prevent us from stealing in the first place.

This does not mean that as parents we should shame our children That sort of inescapable shame can lead to depression, anxiety  and low self-esteem. Rather to raise them with an inner sense of  shame- בושה and a sense of that  what they do does impact on others,  and they do need to think before they do.  Not everything goes. 

As we stand at the start of the school year with clean notebooks, and  before Hashem and ask Him to inscribe us in the book of life,  may we remember that the book’s editor is compassionate, inspirational, and instructive during the Yamim Noraim and each and every day of our lives.  It is now our chance for each one of us to write our own blockbusters- whether in school or in life.

May we all merit a כְּתִיבָה וַחֲתִימָה טוֹבָה.

Advisory Update:

Due to the fact that we did not have a full week of school, some of our groups have begun Advisory, while some will start  when they have their first session.  But, those who did have Advisory covered…

Sixth Grade: Students learned about the goals of Advisory and got to know each other through a puzzle making activity.

Seventh Grade: Students were introduced to the theme of the 7th grade Advisory curriculum “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” through focusing on the fact that kids can in fact make a difference and the importance of self- change and working on self- improvement.

Eighth Grade:  Students began with real-life interviews of Yavneh graduates discussing what the 8th grade year is like.  These interviews launched the topics of the  first half their Advisory year. Students also played a getting to know you game to learn more about their fellow advisees and adviser- Mrs. Rubin.