A Fresh Start...Every Day

            While many of us may feel relieved not to cook another meal, and those who of us who took off from work are relieved to not have to take off another day, the “post-Yom Tov season blues” are definitely a real malady that many of us face. During these days we spent with our children (without homework!) just enjoying their company.  And, now, it is back to “real life.”  As educators, there was some frustration with finally getting the students into a routine, and then having weeks off from school.  I prefer to see it as yet another opportunity for a new beginning. 

            In a paper called “The Fresh Start Effect: Temporal Landmarks Motivate Aspirational Behavior” by Dai, Milkman and Riis at University of Pennsylvania they write about something called “the fresh start effect”- that people are more likely to tackle their goals, “take a big-picture view of their lives, and thus motivate aspirational behaviors” at landmark times that signify  a new beginning. It could be the first day of school, the beginning of a new week or even the day back from a big vacation.  They call these times “temporal landmarks,” a term which comes from the research on memory, which are markers in time that separate one time period from another so that people can divide the “timeline of their lives in their heads which helps them categorize  and thus retrieve memories,” says Melissa Dahl in her article “September Is Your Second Chance January.”  

            These landmarks are also used to organize memories of ourselves, says Dahl, called “temporal self-appraisal.”  That was the summer me, this is the September me! That was the pre-Yom Tov me. Now, this is the post-Yom Tov me.  Researchers point out that people often even “describe their pre-change self as a distinct person.”  

            Dahl also notes that another explanation to the fresh start effect might be that “interruptions to a routine shake people out of autopilot.”  But, the problem is, as we intuite and the research shows, there is a lot of excitement right after the temporal landmark, but that excitement fades quickly.  When the first day of school starts, my son really does intend to do his homework the moment he gets home before watching TV.   And, slowly that commitment and enthusiasm fizzles. (Think about all those commitments to go to the gym…)  And, then your child (or you) is dejected.  How depressing it is to make that resolution the first day of school to be different this year, and then life happens.  Most of us give up at that point. 

            I think about this dejection often when it comes to the season after Yamim  Tovim. Elul, Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot- we are on fire to be better and to do better this year. Whether religiously, spiritually or as human beings- we will be better parents… more patient, make lunches the night before, parent each child differently. We all make those resolutions, and then real-life sets in. It is so easy to be dejected and give up. 

            My daughter recently shared with me a video from aish.com, which I think has an inspirational message to share. Here is the transcript:

Rabbi Yoel Gold tells the story of a Chazan.  Every year on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Tzudah Greenwald would travel from Israel to Germany to be a chazan in the Great Synagogue of Frankfurt. One year, on motzei Yom Kippur, Tzudah was exhausted from the davening and the fast so he told himself that he would rest a little in the shul and then he would walk to his hotel and break his fast. By the time he was ready to leave, all two thousand people who had been davening in the shul, only thirty minutes earlier, had gone home to break their fasts. He was the last man standing, the lights were out, the security guards were gone, and the gates of the shul were locked.

 Tzudah then walks out of the side door and sees a man with a white Kippah looking very lost and trying to get into the locked gates of the shul.Tzudah approached the man and asked him if he could help him. The man says “What’s going on? Where is everyone? Why are the gates of the shul closed? Isn’t it the night of Kol Nidrei today?” Tzudah answered him right away saying that kol nidrei was yesterday. Today we are already after Ne’elah and everyone had already left the shul. The man starts to break down and he says “How did it happen? How did I make this mistake? How did I miss Kol Nidrei?” Tzudah tried to calm him down and he said, “Don’t worry, there will be another Kol Nidrei next year.” But the man wouldn’t hear it. He said, “You don't understand! When I was a kid my father would take me once a year to shul on Yom Kippur to hear kol nidrei. And, 20 years ago before my father passed away, he made me promise to him that I would never miss the Kol Nidrei Yom Kippur night because he knew that that would be my only connection to my heritage. And tonight would be the first time after my father passed away that I have missed kol nidrei.” 

When Tzudah heard this he had so much compassion, he looked the man in his eyes and said, “Don’t worry, I am the Chazan of the shul. Come into the shul with me and we will do Kol Nidrei. “ The man said “Really! You would do that for me!” Tzudah said “Gladly,” and took him by the hand and led the man into the shul through the side door. Tzudah put on his tallis and his hat as he wanted the man to feel that he didn’t miss out- That he will get his Kol nidrei. Tzudah then started his Kol Nidrei again. Just as he opened his mouth he felt like he was given this supernatural second chance and never before had he ever sang with so much heart and kavanah then at this moment, in this empty shul, after Yom Kippur,  with this one man. When Tzudah finished the kol nidrei right away, the man hugged him and said “You don’t know what you did for me. You saved my life!” Both men cried and they knew that they would never forget this moment for the rest of their lives. 

Says, Rabbi Gold, we all make mistakes each day, but Hashem always reaches out to us by opening a side door. As long as we are knocking on those gates, it is never too late- the side door is always open to us. 

            I don’t often quote aish.com videos in my column, but when I heard this story I felt it applied to so many areas of our lives.  When it comes to our spiritual growth after the Yamim Tovim, we need not fear if we did not reach the goals we had set, and achieve true Teshuva, because the side door is always open EVERY DAY of our lives.  It is not at all over- it begins anew every day!

            A famous pasuk from Yishayau  נה:  ו  speaks about teshuva in Aseret Yimei Teshuva:

 “דרשו ה’ בהמצאו קראוהו בהיותו קרוב” - “Seek Hashem out when He is found and call Him when He is close”- telling us that Hashem is closer during those 10 days,,. so that’s the time for teshuva!   From here it seems that Aseret Yimei Teshuva is the only time to do teshuva as Hashem is close. 

But Rav Soloveitchik says in his sefer “Yimai Zikaron” , as a play on the pasuk in Yishayahu: 

דרשו את ה’ גם בלא המצאו לכם  קראוהו גם בהיותו רחוק”

“Seek out Hashem also when He is not found to you, call out to Him also when He is far.” 

Even when it is not Aseret Yimeit Teshuva- seek Him out and do teshuva. When need not wait for the temporal landmark to make a change.  Each day when we say modeh ani we thank Hashem for returning our souls to us. It is as if we are reborn every day. What more of a fresh start can we hope for?!

            As parents, this is an important lesson to remind ourselves of and more importantly to share with our children. It does not matter how they did or what they did yesterday.  Each day can be a new start and a new beginning. I will not judge you and you can start fresh.  You can conjure a “temporal landmark” and a fresh start each and every day. This was me before Tuesday. Now, it is me after Tuesday- new and improved, or at least working to improve. I often work with teachers to relay the same message. Often I meet with children who are struggling behaviorally or academically and they feel it is too late.  There is nothing they can do. I tell them that I met with the teacher and we have agreed to make tomorrow like the first day of school. No preconceived notions or habits.  Tomorrow the teacher is meeting you for the first time and you have the opportunity to start again. 

            Many people might have expected me to write such a column the first week of school or the week of Rosh HaShana. Ah… but that is the point!  I specifically write this column when there is no official “temporal landmark” looming. 

Our children or we might have started the new school year or Jewish calendar year invigorated and determined to be better students and better people.  But, even if things did not go as planned, when they returned to school on October 23rd after the chagim, there was another temporal landmark to start again. And, worst comes to worst, if that didn’t serve as a fresh start, this morning or tomorrow morning can be as well.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students had 7th grade mentors in their classes to speak to them about real-life tips to success based on some of the challenges they are facing in middle school. 

Seventh Grade: Students learned the skills of assertive communication and turning “you” statements into “I” statements. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began to discuss what goes into making the high school choice and  looked at the applications to high school.

Tefillah-Inspired Teens- Yom Kippur And Beyond

            As someone who works with teens when I enter a shul I often make note of the teenagers and how they are davening. When a teen is in shul and davening beautifully, even if I do not even know the teen, I “kvell” as I know this is no simple feat. I am proud of the young lady herself, connecting with Hashem. And, I am proud of her parents, her school, her camp and her role models, (often peers!), who all played a hand in getting her there. And, then I consider all the teens hanging in the lobby and I wonder, “What is the secret to this ‘davener’? And, how can we bottle it so we can share it with all our children?”  What happened to the first grader eager to accompany his parent to shul?  Where has the excitement of being that chazzanit in class gone?  How about the elation of getting that first siddur?  

            This is a question that Jewish educators- teachers and parents- have been asking for years. As we approach Yom Kippur, a day when we spend much of it in prayer, I reconsider this age-old question. 

            As Rabbi Hershel Billet aptly wrote in Jewish Action responding  to Rabbi Jay Goldmintz’s article “Why Aren’t Our Kids In Shul?”  “ Rabbi Goldmintz accurately describes the possible causes of our kids’ disinterest: hormones, length of the service, lack of comprehension of the prayer book, irrelevance of the service, poor parental role models, etc. In addition, most teenagers do not confront the human condition with all of its ferocity and helplessness as responsible adults must. Some teenagers have not yet developed the sophistication to relate to prayer as a useful medium on a practical and philosophical level.  For this generation, if only one could pray on Facebook or Twitter or send God an e-mail, things might be easier.” 

            Rather than bemoan how adolescence can be a difficult time for children to latch on to prayer, let us focus on what can be done- as I have seen many “prayerful” teenagers in my day- who love to daven and inspire the adults around them. It is achievable. While I hope that most schools have begun targeting this issue (as has Yavneh) with new tefillah opportunties, tefillah workshops and even training for teachers, I would like to focus on the homefront- what can we do as parents? 

            As we know, adolescence is a time of significant developmental change. In Moshe Dreilich’s article “Creating a Meaningful Tefillah Experience Through the Lens of Adolescent Development” he notes that the study of Perriello and Scarlett notes there are two types of prayer -  young prayer, where the young child wishes that God fulfill all his wishes, and then mature prayer of the adolescent, which is no longer a demand of God, but a conversation with God.  Adolescence is often a turbulent time, and teens can use prayer as an opportunity to seek out a closeness with God to support them. Teens do yearn for a relationship with God. 

            In order to develop a relationship with Hashem, we first have to recognize His involvement in our lives. The theme at Yavneh Academy this year is Vision- To See the Good- as we will be entering the year 2020.  Rabbi Lavi Greenspan addressed the middle school students on  Tzom Gedaliah to share his life story as he lost his vision at the age of 26. Rabbi Greenspan shared that while he cannot see, he has the ability to see Hashem in everything that happens in his life. Each day he even sits and makes a list of what Hashem has given him that day.  (I have often mentioned to students the idea of keeping a diary where they record how Hashem has helped them that day).  Actively discussing how we can see God’s hand in our own lives with our children is one way to have them see Him daily.  Small things… like your missing the bus was frustrating, but then because since you missed the bus, you were still in Teaneck when you realized you left your important file at home that you needed for the meeting, and then you were able to go home and get it. The Hand of Hashem in your life!  

Rabbi Goldmintz, mentioned above, has spent much of his career focused on making tefillah meaningful for students.  In that Jewish Action article, he stressed the importance of teens becoming shul-goers for life. Even if they are not yet finding the connection to davening, we need to keep them “in the game” and realize that while the connection to prayer may be a process, in “our family, we go to shul.”  He does stress the development of the parent-child relationship which can be fostered in “shul-going.”  He notes that the walking to shul together is a perfect time for that quality time with our teens that we crave. Many adults recall with fondness those walks to shul. “A former shul rabbi once told me, ‘When I talk to people in preparation for delivering their parents’ eulogies, many mention that walking to shul with the parent was among the most meaningful time spent together.’” 

There is also the same benefit in sharing the actual shul experience with our children.  As with most things in life children learn much from the adults around them.  If they see us pray with a spiritual connection to God, with warmth, passion and “heart” then we serve as positive role models for them as to how to form that relationship with God through tefillah. Rabbi Joshua Kahn, in his article “Teenagers and Tefillah: An Approach To Tefillah Education In High School” shares the research on prayer which indicates that “if children perceive their parents have a strong positive religious connection they are more likely to develop their own connection to tefillah.” My girls know that in shul when the congregation is singing or saying things out loud, I always join in loudly as well.  When they were younger they may have been embarrassed. Now, as teens, they join in as well.  

We can also be role models for them by actively discussing with them our connection to Tefillah.  What prayer means something special to you? When did you turn to prayer in a time of trouble? Why do you view prayer as an opportunity instead of a burden?  And, in order to do all of this, as Rabbi Ron Yitzchak Eisenman also wrote in response to Rabbi Goldmintz’s article “Perhaps instead of asking why kids do not come to shul, we should be asking ourselves, ‘Why are we  coming to shul?’ Even if we are physically in shul, are we emotionally in shul? How many of us can claim that we stay focused on the davening?  How many of us can claim that when we leave shul we feel spiritually rejuvenated?  How many of us look forward to shul on Shabbat as the highlight of the week?”   We, as parental role models,  need to work on our own connection to tefillah as well. Tefillah is called “Avodah she’balev” -  a service of the heart- and we need to work on our own hearts’ connection.  Last year, I went out and bought myself the Metzudah machzorim, with linear translations. While I still keep the machzorim my grandparents bought for me in shul and use them for various tefillot, my children clearly saw that I was working on making my own tefillah more meaningful. 

            Rabbi Goldmintz, in his article “How To Be A Spiritual Role Model To Your Children,”  notes that to be a spiritual role model for your family it is not enough to be involved in spiritual acts.  You need to draw your children’s attention to the fact that you are engaged in the act, by telling them what you are doing in words. He also notes that these acts need to be done over and over again in order for them to be impactful. And, then, of course, the children themselves need to practice and engage in those spiritual acts as well.  And, Rabbi Goldmintz ends with one more important caveat “some inherent system of reward that energizes a child and tells him or her that this activity is worth doing.” It could simply be the self- satisfaction or the praise that we shower on them.  We most definitely should praise our children for a beautiful davening. 

            This year, as Yom Kippur comes to a close and we hear that shofar, before thinking about the food preparation, we need to turn to our teens who sat with us in shul and give them a huge hug and share how proud we were of their davening and what an honor it was to sit next to them in shul. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students reviewed tips on how to succeed in middle school from last year’s sixth graders and identified areas they want to work on.  Our Thursday’s group began discussing real-life challenges faced by sixth graders (as they viewed these scenarios acted out by teachers) and some practical solutions. 

Seventh Grade:  As our seventh graders get closer to their Frost Valley Leadership Retreat, students began a unit on teamwork, communication and compromise with beginning to focus on what is needed for good teamwork and communication. 

Eighth Grade: Students focused on the importance of grit and how to set SMART goals, as they set actual goals for the year and recorded them in the website futureme.org which will automatically send them their goals in June so they can see what they achieved.