While
many of us may feel relieved not to cook another meal, and those who of us who
took off from work are relieved to not have to take off another day, the
“post-Yom Tov season blues” are definitely a real malady that many of us face.
During these days we spent with our children (without homework!) just enjoying
their company. And, now, it is back to “real life.” As educators, there was some frustration with
finally getting the students into a routine, and then having weeks off from
school. I prefer to see it as yet
another opportunity for a new beginning.
In
a paper called “The Fresh Start Effect: Temporal Landmarks
Motivate Aspirational Behavior” by Dai, Milkman and Riis at University of
Pennsylvania they write about something called “the fresh start effect”- that
people are more likely to tackle their goals, “take a big-picture view of their lives, and thus motivate
aspirational behaviors” at landmark times that signify a new beginning.
It could be the first day of school, the beginning of a new week or even the
day back from a big vacation. They call these times “temporal landmarks,”
a term which comes from the research on memory, which are markers in time that
separate one time period from another so that people can divide the “timeline
of their lives in their heads which helps them categorize and thus
retrieve memories,” says Melissa Dahl in her article “September Is Your Second
Chance January.”
These
landmarks are also used to organize memories of ourselves, says Dahl, called
“temporal self-appraisal.” That was the summer me, this is the September
me! That was the pre-Yom Tov me. Now, this is the post-Yom Tov me.
Researchers point out that people often even “describe their pre-change self as
a distinct person.”
Dahl
also notes that another explanation to the fresh start effect might be that
“interruptions to a routine shake people out of autopilot.” But, the
problem is, as we intuite and the research shows, there is a lot of excitement
right after the temporal landmark, but that excitement fades quickly.
When the first day of school starts, my son really does intend to do his
homework the moment he gets home before watching TV. And, slowly that commitment and enthusiasm
fizzles. (Think about all those commitments to go to the gym…) And, then
your child (or you) is dejected. How
depressing it is to make that resolution the first day of school to be
different this year, and then life happens.
Most of us give up at that point.
I
think about this dejection often when it comes to the season after Yamim Tovim.
Elul, Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot- we are on fire to be better and to do
better this year. Whether religiously, spiritually or as human beings- we will
be better parents… more patient, make lunches the night before, parent each
child differently. We all make those resolutions, and then real-life sets in.
It is so easy to be dejected and give up.
My
daughter recently shared with me a video from aish.com, which I think has an
inspirational message to share. Here is the transcript:
Rabbi Yoel Gold tells
the story of a Chazan. Every year on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Tzudah
Greenwald would travel from Israel to Germany to be a chazan in the Great
Synagogue of Frankfurt. One year, on motzei Yom Kippur, Tzudah was exhausted from
the davening and the fast so he told himself that he would rest a little in the
shul and then he would walk to his hotel and break his fast. By the time he was
ready to leave, all two thousand people who had been davening in the shul, only
thirty minutes earlier, had gone home to break their fasts. He was the last man
standing, the lights were out, the security guards were gone, and the gates of
the shul were locked.
Tzudah then walks
out of the side door and sees a man with a white Kippah looking very lost and trying
to get into the locked gates of the shul.Tzudah approached the man and
asked him if he could help him. The man says “What’s going on? Where is
everyone? Why are the gates of the shul closed? Isn’t it the night of Kol
Nidrei today?” Tzudah answered him right away saying that kol nidrei was
yesterday. Today we are already after Ne’elah and everyone had already left the
shul. The man starts to break down and he says “How did it happen? How did I
make this mistake? How did I miss Kol Nidrei?” Tzudah tried to calm him down
and he said, “Don’t worry, there will be another Kol Nidrei next year.” But the
man wouldn’t hear it. He said, “You don't understand! When I was a kid my
father would take me once a year to shul on Yom Kippur to hear kol nidrei. And,
20 years ago before my father passed away, he made me promise to him that I
would never miss the Kol Nidrei Yom Kippur night because he knew that that
would be my only connection to my heritage. And tonight would be the first time
after my father passed away that I have missed kol nidrei.”
When Tzudah heard this
he had so much compassion, he looked the man in his eyes and said, “Don’t
worry, I am the Chazan of the shul. Come into the shul with me and we will do
Kol Nidrei. “ The man said “Really! You would do that for me!” Tzudah said
“Gladly,” and took him by the hand and led the man into the shul through
the side door. Tzudah put on his tallis and his hat as he wanted the
man to feel that he didn’t miss out- That he will get his Kol nidrei. Tzudah
then started his Kol Nidrei again. Just as he opened his mouth he felt like he
was given this supernatural second chance and never before had he ever sang
with so much heart and kavanah then at this moment, in this empty shul, after
Yom Kippur, with this one man. When Tzudah finished the kol nidrei right
away, the man hugged him and said “You don’t know what you did for me. You
saved my life!” Both men cried and they knew that they would never forget this
moment for the rest of their lives.
Says, Rabbi Gold, we all
make mistakes each day, but Hashem always reaches out to us by opening a side
door. As long as we are knocking on those gates, it is never too late- the
side door is always open to us.
I
don’t often quote aish.com videos in my column, but when I heard this story I
felt it applied to so many areas of our lives. When it comes to our
spiritual growth after the Yamim Tovim, we need not fear if we did not reach
the goals we had set, and achieve true Teshuva, because the side door is always
open EVERY DAY of our lives. It is not at all over- it begins anew every
day!
A famous pasuk from Yishayau נה: ו speaks about teshuva in Aseret Yimei Teshuva:
“דרשו ה’ בהמצאו קראוהו בהיותו קרוב” - “Seek Hashem out when
He is found and call Him when He is close”- telling us that Hashem is closer
during those 10 days,,. so that’s the time for teshuva! From here it
seems that Aseret Yimei Teshuva is the only time to do teshuva as Hashem is
close.
But Rav Soloveitchik says in his sefer “Yimai
Zikaron” , as a play on the pasuk in Yishayahu:
דרשו את ה’ גם בלא המצאו לכם קראוהו גם
בהיותו רחוק”
“Seek out Hashem also when He is not
found to you, call out to Him also when He is far.”
Even when it is not Aseret Yimeit Teshuva- seek
Him out and do teshuva. When need not wait for the temporal landmark to make a
change.
As
parents, this is an important lesson to remind ourselves of and more
importantly to share with our children. It does not matter how they did or what
they did yesterday. Each day can be a new start and a new beginning. I
will not judge you and you can start fresh.
You can conjure a “temporal landmark” and a fresh start each and every
day. This was me before Tuesday. Now, it is me after Tuesday- new and improved,
or at least working to improve. I often work with teachers to relay the same
message. Often I meet with children who are struggling behaviorally or
academically and they feel it is too late. There is nothing they can do.
I tell them that I met with the teacher and we have agreed to make tomorrow
like the first day of school. No preconceived notions or habits. Tomorrow the teacher is meeting you for the
first time and you have the opportunity to start again.
Many
people might have expected me to write such a column the first week of school
or the week of Rosh HaShana. Ah… but that is the point! I specifically
write this column when there is no official “temporal landmark” looming.
Our children or we might
have started the new school year or Jewish calendar year invigorated and
determined to be better students and better people. But, even if things
did not go as planned, when they returned to school on October 23rd after the chagim,
there was another temporal landmark to start again. And, worst comes to worst,
if that didn’t serve as a fresh start, this morning or tomorrow morning can be
as well.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students
had 7th grade mentors in their classes to speak to them about real-life tips to
success based on some of the challenges they are facing in middle school.
Seventh Grade:
Students learned the skills of assertive communication and turning “you”
statements into “I” statements.
Eighth Grade: Students began to discuss what goes into making the high school choice and looked at the applications to high school.
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