Sunday, March 21, 2021

March Madness and Yeshiva Students

           “Substance Use In Yeshiva High Schools: A Look At The Data”  is the title of the article in the Jewish Link two weeks ago by Rabbi Tuly Harczstark and Dr. Rivka Press Schwartz.  In the article they describe the research study they coordinated, under the auspices of Machon Siach. Their study utilized the Communities That Care Risk and Protective Factor Youth Survey  designed to determine the need for “prevention services among youth in the areas of substance abuse, delinquency, antisocial behavior and violence.”   In 2019 they administered this survey to 3500 10th and 12th graders and in 2020 to 2800 different 10th and 12th graders in 19 yeshiva high schools. 

The results of the study when it comes to substance use are worthy of their own article- especially the “drinking problem” that exists in the yeshiva high school world. And, we will continue doing our substance abuse awareness sessions in our 8th grade Advisory tackling, alcohol, drugs, and vaping. 

 However, I want to focus on one surprising result of this survey- which is more timely for this March Madness time of year.   

In areas other than substance use, while our community is doing well with a wide range of protective and risk factors, our kids exceeded the national average in one other category of anti-social behavior, as measured by the survey: gambling in a number of forms, including betting on sports, internet gambling and video poker. Even more than substance use, this behavior is strongly gendered, with boys far more likely to gamble than girls. 

Who would have imagined? 

For those of you who have had middle schoolers before this year, you might know that we do a lesson in March on gambling in Advisory with our 7th grade boys. The students did do this lesson this past week in Advisory (along with our 8th graders, who missed it last year during covid).   

After reading the results of this survey I modified the lesson a bit and included the results of this survey in the lesson. I wanted the students to see that the discussion of gambling and teens is not just a fear I have, but has been substantiated by this recent study.  Often, students say that these issues do not apply to the Jewish community. But, this study, (which I showed them in black and white), showed we are not immune.  Interestingly enough, the students were not as surprised by the results as I was. They shared that kids play online poker, fantasy football for real money and that it of course makes sense that we have higher levels of gambling than the general community as we tend to have better jobs than the general community and make more money so teens have more access to money- their words- not mine! 

We shared with the students that we are not here to talk about the halachic issues of gambling nor whether it is legal for them to bet on March Madness, but rather to help them realize that children who gamble before the age of 12 are four times more likely to have a gambling problem.  We talked about how gambling is an addiction and therefore we do not always realize when we are being sucked in.  4% to 8% of young people have a gambling problem, compared to 1% to 2% of adults. 

Research shows that discussing the dangers of gambling/betting with your children in their tween years before they get to high school is essential.  And, discuss with them  the access to internet gambling which can easily trick them into thinking they “have nothing to lose” as it is free, as these websites are trying to introduce them to gambling.  And, as always, modeling for them control in these areas.

As you recall, I quoted Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, z”l, last week as I focused on addiction to technology.  Dr. Twerski focused on the dangers of gambling as well. He wrote a book Compulsive Gambling: More Than Dreidel.  Clearly, we as the Jewish community are not  immune.  Interestingly enough, when this book came out in 2008, Twerski suggested that Jews are more susceptible to compulsive gambling than other ethnic or religious groups. (Although no research study is quoted there). When it comes to teens and gambling he noted, “ You need to keep an eye on it. Gambling is seductive and kids are risk takers. What kind of money are they playing for? If a 16-year-old can walk away with a pot of $85, that’s way too tempting.”  Even in 2008, Twerski noted the Jewish problem of addiction to gambling.  While the Machon Siach study alerts us to the reality, this reality is not new.  

Aside from being proactive, speaking to our children when they are young, and monitoring them carefully, clearly there are signs that a child is engaged in this dangerous behavior.  We need to look out for signs  such as money missing, their seeming disengaged, anxious or nervous, excessive time spent on the internet, being overly interested in the outcome of sports events, and of course finding betting sheets etc. 

Rabbi Dr. Twerski believed that all addiction is due in part to the absence of spirituality and a piece of the treatment needs to be the development of spirituality, (hence the success of the 12 step programs).

This coming Shabbat is called “Shabbat HaGadol.” On this Shabbat the Jews in Egypt took the “god” of the Egyptians, the sheep, and put it aside for the Korban Pesach. They were thereby defying the paganism of the Egyptians.    As Twerski noted in his article “Passover, Freedom and Shabbat HaGadol” everyone knows that a sheep does not have power as a god. But, “People who are driven by powerful cravings may rationalize, and rather than resist the compulsion, they may try to justify their behavior. Idolatry is nothing but a self-deceiving rationalization.”

 He then continues to discuss, similar to what I noted in last week’s column on the internet, that when someone is an addict he can truly relate to the slavey in Egypt and to the freedom the Jews achieved. He quotes an addict, “When I was in my addiction, I had no freedom at all. I was under the tyranny of drugs. I did many things that I never thought myself capable of doing. I did them because I had no choice. I was a slave to drugs and they were my master. Today I can make choices. Today I am free.”  These addictions relate to gambling as well. 

When the Jews sacrificed the sheep, It was our Declaration of Independence, not only of our freedom from the rule of Pharaoh, but also from the ruthless tyranny of our internal drives. We would now be free to choose what is right and proper, even if it is in defiance of a bodily urge. 

He continues to note that children, deemed in halacha before bar/bat mitzvah as a “katan”  are unable to distinguish good from bad, and therefore, they are not held responsible for their actions.  After bar/bat mitzvah, when their intellect can overcome their internal drives they are called a “gadol.” That is another meaning of Shabbat HaGadol- the Shabbat when the Jewish people achieved maturity and could control their impulses. 

When the Jews were about to leave Egypt they were on the 49th level of the 50 levels of tumah (spiritual decadence).  Pesach is when they “leaped into spirituality.”  “The days of Passover are propitious for repetition of the unique phenomenon of achieving spirituality when one is in a state that would make this impossible at other times.”

It is quite fitting that March Madness coincides with Nissan- זמן חרותינו and is near  שבת הגדול .  May we raise our “tweens” to be גדולים- to overcome their internal impulses and achieve spirituality,  through our frank discussions and modeling.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students either finished their organization of their in-school spaces or focused on how to organize their at-home spaces.  Some students also planned goals for the coming semester.

Seventh Grade:  Boys discussed March Madness and gambling and our girls began a frank discussion about the BDS movement and our role in not standing idly by.

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed March Madness and gambling.

Sunday, March 14, 2021

Pesach, Freedom and Technology Use

         This past week, we had a parent workshop on “Raising Healthy Children in a Digital World” by Dr. Eli Shapiro.  In thinking about it, the weeks before Pesach is a perfect time to have a workshop on this topic.  Pesach is זמן חרותנו- the time of our Freedom.  As parents and educators we appreciate all that technology has to offer, especially during covid, in educating our children and keeping them connected socially during this difficult time. But, we also recognize the addictive nature of technology and how it has taken over much of our lives. How can we achieve freedom from that harm while enjoying all that technology has to offer? 


Dr. Shapiro was able to offer some important insights and guidance in this area, which I will share, but first let us consider,  what is true freedom- חרות? (And, thereby have a Dvar Torah to share at the seder as well!)  It says in Shemot 32:16

 וְהַ֨לֻּחֹ֔ת מַעֲשֵׂ֥ה אֱלֹקים הֵ֑מָּה וְהַמִּכְתָּ֗ב מִכְתַּ֤ב אֱלֹקים֙ ה֔וּא חָר֖וּת עַל־הַלֻּחֹֽת׃

The tablets were God’s work, and the writing was God’s writing, engraved upon the tablets.

The Mishna Avot 6:2 on this words says,

וְאוֹמֵר (שמות לב) וְהַ֨לֻּחֹ֔ת מַעֲשֵׂ֥ה אֱלֹקים הֵ֑מָּה וְהַמִּכְתָּ֗ב מִכְתַּ֤ב אֱלֹקים֙ ה֔וּא חָר֖וּת עַל־הַלֻּחֹֽת.

אַל תִּקְרָא חָרוּת אֶלָּא חֵרוּת, שֶׁאֵין לְךָ בֶן חוֹרִין אֶלָּא מִי שֶׁעוֹסֵק בְּתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה

And it says, “And the tablets were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tablets” (Exodus 32:16). Read not haruth [‘graven’] but heruth [ ‘freedom’]. For there is no free man but one that occupies himself with the study of the Torah.


This famous mishna is often discussed.  The rules of the Torah seem demanding and limiting and if anything limit our freedom?!?  How can the obligation to follow the laws of the Torah be freeing? However, this commentary from the mishna clearly indicates that this view of the laws of the Torah is mistaken.


We usually see freedom as the ability to be free from the control of others.  But, freedom is also the ability to be free from the control of our internal impulses,  instincts and passions.  As Rabbi Mayer Twersky says in his article “Learning To Be Free”  “One who is hostage to his own anger, or cannot curb his desire for physical pleasure or is forever driven to seek honor and riches may be politically free, but leads a brutal, slavish existence.  By contrast, one who refines his instincts and redeems his passions, and, thus ennobled, is truly free.”   The Torah provides those limits which enable us to be truly free. 


And, that is why Pesach and Shavuot are connected by the counting of the days from one to the other in sefirat haomer. Shavuot is actually the culmination and completion of the Exodus. It is as if in leaving Egypt the Jews only achieved physical freedom. But, in receiving the Torah their freedom was finalized as they achieved internal freedom.  And, interestingly enough, when Moshe approached the burning bush and Hashem first tells him about the Exodus, Hashem says, 

וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ כִּֽי־אֶֽהְיֶ֣ה עִמָּ֔ךְ וְזֶה־לְּךָ֣ הָא֔וֹת כִּ֥י אָנֹכִ֖י שְׁלַחְתִּ֑יךָ בְּהוֹצִֽיאֲךָ֤ אֶת־הָעָם֙ מִמִּצְרַ֔יִם תַּֽעַבְדוּן֙ אֶת־הָ֣אֱלֹקים עַ֖ל הָהָ֥ר הַזֶּֽה׃

And He said, “I will be with you; that shall be your sign that it was I who sent you. And when you have freed the people from Egypt, you shall serve God at this mountain.”

This pasuk clearly indicates that getting the Torah at Har Sinai is part of the Exodus.  Additionally, notice the language used תַּֽעַבְדוּן֙ - serve. The same root as “slave” עבד. The true way to be free was to not live lives with no rules. They will still “serve,” but their serving Hashem through keeping Torah will ironically free them from their instincts, passions and internal impulses. 

Dr. Shapiro spent some time speaking about the impact technology has on our social, physical (health) and emotional lives.  Technology has the ability to grab our constant attention and keep us coming back. One parent asked why we spend excessive amounts of time with our devices if we know of the negative effects?  He compared it to the sugar high we often pursue. We know that eating 12 cookies is not good for us, but we often overeat anyway.  In  the moment it feels wonderful.  Setting boundaries before the cookies appear is the key. 


 Our children do not have the ability to self-regulate their technology use. How do we help them free themselves from the compulsion they often face to be constantly on their devices- whether as toddlers  or teens? It might sound simple: by making a “Torah” or as Dr. Shapiro said:  By making rules, discussing the rules, and keeping the rules.  Rules are what provide the freedom from the negative effects of technology.  While most experts recommend developing a contract with your child before giving him/her a device, the conversation before that contract to give them a say in the development of that contract is essential.  


We know that all technology use is not the same. Not all screen time is equal.  In assessing the screen time in which our children are engaged, said Dr. Shapiro, we need to assess the purposes of their device usage:

  1. Consumption- Netflix binging is not the same as a game with friends.

  2. Complementary- Is there interactivity, visual motor development, problem solving, social interaction- what else are they gaining when they are engaged?

  3. Creativity- distance learning is the highest level of using devices for creative purposes. 


We as adults need to model setting limits and rules as well.  We need those limits to achieve our own freedom, but also to set examples for our children. 1800 parents were surveyed by Common Sense Media, (a wonderful resource for parents which I often discuss in my column!), and they stated they spend at least 9 hours and 22 minutes of screen time each day, and 8 of those hours were for personal use and not for their job.  This research is from before the pandemic, and I imagine these numbers would now be higher!  Interestingly enough, of those same parents, 80% of them said they were good role models for their children on how to use technology.  


Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, z”l, an expert on addictions, discussed in his article “Addicted” a definition of addiction: “The definition is simple. The ultimate distinction between man and animals is not that man is more intelligent, but that animals are creatures that have no choice over their behavior. They must do whatever their bodies demand. They cannot choose what they should do. Man has the ability of self-control, to choose one's behavior, even in defiance of physical urges. Losing the ability to choose is losing the uniqueness of being a human being. If a person loses one's ability to choose and is dominated by urges one cannot control, one is indeed an addict.  We pride ourselves on liberty and view slavery as evil because it dehumanizes a person. And that is exactly what happens when we relinquish our ability to choose.”


Here again, we see the mention that true freedom- חרות- is the key to overcoming addiction- including addiction to technology.  Dr. Twerski continues that technology has eroded our tolerance for delay and we need instant gratification.  So, we are constantly pursuing pleasure and gratification.  How do we combat this reality? 

“There is no reason to avoid enjoying things, but we must demonstrate to our children that there is more to life than pursuit of pleasure.”  Living a life of Torah character traits, says Twerski,  models for our children this messages and helps them internalize the boundaries they need. 

This year, as we sit at our seders we will say הָשַׁתָּא עַבְדֵי  לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּנֵי חוֹרִין׃ Now, we are slaves; next year, may we be free. When we do so, let us consider how to help our children achieve self-regulation through boundaries and rules we set for and with them leading to internal freedom- true חרות. 

 Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade: Students continued their unit on organization focusing on how to avoid those heavy backpacks and messy lockers.


Seventh Grade: Students began their unit Do Not Stand Idly by discussing the obligation to stand up to injustice.


Eighth Grade:  Students discussed “Who is a hero” and what happens if someone they idolize, particularly a celebrity, does something immoral- does he/she lose that hero status? 


Saturday, March 6, 2021

Parent- Teacher, Parent- Child and Child- Parent Conferences

 Parent teacher conferences seem to obviously be between parents and teachers.  Middle schoolers, however, are at an age where I feel they should play more of a role in parent teacher conferences even though they aren’t physically present during the conferences. The proactive pre- conference with our children is the key. 


The Child- Parent Conference

We actually encourage the students themselves to have proactive conversations with their parents as well. In fact, before our middle schoolers get their first report cards we discuss with them in Advisory “How to talk to your parents about your report card?”  We share with them that based on experience, parents appreciate when they are up front and honest with them about their report cards EVEN BEFORE THEY SEE THEM.  The same with grades. When they get bad grades, it is always a good idea to tell their parents before they find out.  We discuss how that creates a partnership where both of you are worried and working together to make changes happen.  We even role play with them two different scenarios and discuss with them “Which one is better?”  



Parents Surprised by the Report Card

Narrator:  Mrs. Smith  just received Carlos’ report card.  He got a C in Math and a D in Gemara.


Parent:  Carlos!  Come in here right now!!!!


Carlos:  What (innocently)?

 

Parent:  (Angrily) Why didn’t you tell me  you got a C in Math and a D in Gemara?  If you would have told me- I could have helped you!!! Now, what should we do?


Telling Before Report Cards Arrive

Narrator-  The report cards are being posted on Thursday.  Tuesday, Carlos comes home and says to his parents at the dinner table…


Carlos:  Mom, Dad, can we talk after dinner?


Mom:  Sure, honey.


Dad:  Yeah, no problem.


Narrator: Dinner ends and they all meet.


Dad: What’s wrong Carlos?


Carlos:  Well… It seems that I did not realize how poorly I was doing in Math and Gemara. I got a C in Math and a D in Gemara!


Mom: Why do you think that happened?


Carlos: Well, I was absent for a week, and then  I thought I caught up in Math and I really did not. And, in Gemara, I guess I was a bit lazy and did not realize how  much work it was. I won’t make that mistake again.  I have a plan of what I can do differently next time.  Like, maybe I’ll review my notes each night.  Or not study in front of the TV.  


Dad:  Well,  I’m glad to see that you have thought this through. Let’s sit together and figure out a solution.  


We talk to the students about the importance of having a plan.  It shows that they are willing to take responsibility. It shows  their parents that things might actually change next semester, since they will do things differently.  


We then follow up with the next lesson- setting goals of things they will improve for the next semester. 


The Parent- Child Conference

Similarly, we recommend you proactively sit with your child before conferences with his/her progress report.  Create a spirit of partnership and respect. First, make it clear that you will always be proud of them no matter how they do in school.  Then,  start with something positive- how proud you are of how much they tried in  __________. When you see a grade that isn’t what you expected to ask them why.  The key is to do a lot of listening and less talking.  Kenneth Ginsburg, co-founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at CHOP, quoted in the article the Wall Street Journal article  “The Right Way for Parents to Question their Teenagers” notes, “the parents who know the most and who have the most influence over their child’s academics and behaviors aren’t the ones who ask lots of questions. They are often the ones who are the least reactive and who express warm, unconditional love and support.”


Help your children reveal what is standing in their way.  Are they having difficulty with notetaking? Are they confused about the material?  Did they forget to study? Are they distracted by their phone?  What is the root of the problem? What are they worried about?  We can model this conversation after the first “parent- child” conversation in the Tanach- that of Hashem and Adam. After Adam sinned Hashem did not say immediately, “Why did you eat from the tree from which I told you not to eat?” Rather, Hashem asked, even though He knew exactly where Adam was,  אַיֶּֽכָּה “Where are you?” waiting first to hear what Adam has to say and to listen. 



Then, set some goals together- what can they do differently?  Develop a practical plan of how they can improve their grades. Once you come up with a plan, write it down and communicate it later with the teacher at conferences. 


The key is not dwelling on the could haves or should haves, but focusing on the future.  That is what being proactive rather than reactive is all about. As Bluma Gordon writes in her article “Proactive or Reactive: What Kind of Life Are You Leading”  “Reactive people allow the past—their upbringing, mistakes, and others’ past wrongdoings–to dictate and shape their future. Proactive people allow the past to inspire and positively impact their future. They don’t get stuck in the past, but take lessons from the past.”


And, of course, to avoid the “blame game.”  Focusing more on what we can control and not what we cannot.  Reactive people focus on external problems outside their locus of control, such as other people’s disturbing behaviors, or circumstances they simply can’t change. Proactive people focus on that which is in their power to change, such as their own efforts or mindset.


Thus far we have discussed two types of proactive conferences

  1. Child with parent

  2. Parent with child

And, that brings us to the third c. Parent with teacher.

The Parent- Teacher Conference

By bringing what you have learned from the first two “conferences” to parent -teacher conferences, you are in essence showing the teacher that you are proactively ready to put  your heads together and partner with each other. Partnership is the key. If you arrive at conferences like “gangbusters” the conference will be a failure. Similar to some of the notes above start with something positive and remember to do lots of listening.  After listening, be frank and tell the teachers that you have met with your child and have discussed the concerns and ask her what she thinks of some of the solutions you come up with together. 

Dr. Wendy Mogel in her book Voice Lessons for Parents- What to Say, How to Say It and When to Listen,  devotes a chapter to the teacher- parent relationship.  She begins by recalling that when she was a child the teacher was always right. Today, she says, parents automatically side with the child. A consequence of  that reality  is that teachers are hesitant to provide frank assessments which can actually help the child.  Therefore, Dr. Mogel suggests, similar to what we noted with the parent- child pre-conferences, it is essential to  first create a sense of partnership and respect.  “...stress your support for the teacher and avoid words or deeds that will cause her to feel defensive. Within this framework you can still voice concerns, and the teacher will be more open to them because you’ve shown that you respect her work and commitment.”  

She continues:

  1. Build an alliance with the teacher

  2. Begin parent conferences with a flattering remark. 

  3. Present your concerns not as criticism but as a desire to understand the teacher’s approach and help your child. 

  4. If the teacher says something that upsets you, keep your reaction in check. 

And, then you can continue partnering with the teacher to plan. 

There will, of course, be one more conference when you finish your parent- teacher conferences- one more  parent- child conference in which you summarize and debrief with your child. While I know that some of you will not get to reading this column until after parent- teacher conferences, that last parent- child conference can most definitely benefit from this column’s content as well.  

As we sit down for the post- conferences parent- child conference, let us recall the words in the Gemara Sanhedrin 107b  “The right hand draws near and the left hand pushes away.When we do need to be firm and correct misdeeds of our children we do so with our weaker hand. But,  we also need to remember to draw them near, with encouragement and positivity, with our stronger hand. Yael Trusch in her article “Seven Jewish Parenting Principles Inspired by Experience” quotes some ways to practically implement the Gemara’s advice as parents.  

Jewish psychologists and parenting experts recommend keeping ratios in mind to help us apply the aforementioned statement from the Talmud. Sarah Chanah Radcliffe suggests an 80:20 ratio of positive to negative interactions with our children (and our spouses) and 90:10 for teenagers. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski recommends a 70:30 ratio. Dr. Miriam Adahan suggests ‘one-third love, one-third law and one-third sitting on your hands (i.e., turn a blind eye).’ Whatever ratio works for you and your individual child, the message is clear: Temper the discipline with a heavy dose of love.  No matter what their progress reports look like...No matter what report we get at conferences, we will always love them. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders began a unit on Organization- bookbags, lockers, etc.

Seventh Grade: Students finished up their unit on coping with adversity in life with decorating “doggies” for ill children and learning about self-compassion.

Eighth Grade: Students continued the discussion about the ethics of cheating when it comes to the real world and sports.