Parent teacher conferences seem to obviously be between parents and teachers. Middle schoolers, however, are at an age where I feel they should play more of a role in parent teacher conferences even though they aren’t physically present during the conferences. The proactive pre- conference with our children is the key.
The Child- Parent Conference
We actually encourage the students themselves to have proactive conversations with their parents as well. In fact, before our middle schoolers get their first report cards we discuss with them in Advisory “How to talk to your parents about your report card?” We share with them that based on experience, parents appreciate when they are up front and honest with them about their report cards EVEN BEFORE THEY SEE THEM. The same with grades. When they get bad grades, it is always a good idea to tell their parents before they find out. We discuss how that creates a partnership where both of you are worried and working together to make changes happen. We even role play with them two different scenarios and discuss with them “Which one is better?”
Parents Surprised by the Report Card
Narrator: Mrs. Smith just received Carlos’ report card. He got a C in Math and a D in Gemara.
Parent: Carlos! Come in here right now!!!!
Carlos: What (innocently)?
Parent: (Angrily) Why didn’t you tell me you got a C in Math and a D in Gemara? If you would have told me- I could have helped you!!! Now, what should we do?
Telling Before Report Cards Arrive
Narrator- The report cards are being posted on Thursday. Tuesday, Carlos comes home and says to his parents at the dinner table…
Carlos: Mom, Dad, can we talk after dinner?
Mom: Sure, honey.
Dad: Yeah, no problem.
Narrator: Dinner ends and they all meet.
Dad: What’s wrong Carlos?
Carlos: Well… It seems that I did not realize how poorly I was doing in Math and Gemara. I got a C in Math and a D in Gemara!
Mom: Why do you think that happened?
Carlos: Well, I was absent for a week, and then I thought I caught up in Math and I really did not. And, in Gemara, I guess I was a bit lazy and did not realize how much work it was. I won’t make that mistake again. I have a plan of what I can do differently next time. Like, maybe I’ll review my notes each night. Or not study in front of the TV.
Dad: Well, I’m glad to see that you have thought this through. Let’s sit together and figure out a solution.
We talk to the students about the importance of having a plan. It shows that they are willing to take responsibility. It shows their parents that things might actually change next semester, since they will do things differently.
We then follow up with the next lesson- setting goals of things they will improve for the next semester.
The Parent- Child Conference
Similarly, we recommend you proactively sit with your child before conferences with his/her progress report. Create a spirit of partnership and respect. First, make it clear that you will always be proud of them no matter how they do in school. Then, start with something positive- how proud you are of how much they tried in __________. When you see a grade that isn’t what you expected to ask them why. The key is to do a lot of listening and less talking. Kenneth Ginsburg, co-founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at CHOP, quoted in the article the Wall Street Journal article “The Right Way for Parents to Question their Teenagers” notes, “the parents who know the most and who have the most influence over their child’s academics and behaviors aren’t the ones who ask lots of questions. They are often the ones who are the least reactive and who express warm, unconditional love and support.”
Help your children reveal what is standing in their way. Are they having difficulty with notetaking? Are they confused about the material? Did they forget to study? Are they distracted by their phone? What is the root of the problem? What are they worried about? We can model this conversation after the first “parent- child” conversation in the Tanach- that of Hashem and Adam. After Adam sinned Hashem did not say immediately, “Why did you eat from the tree from which I told you not to eat?” Rather, Hashem asked, even though He knew exactly where Adam was, אַיֶּֽכָּה “Where are you?” waiting first to hear what Adam has to say and to listen.
Then, set some goals together- what can they do differently? Develop a practical plan of how they can improve their grades. Once you come up with a plan, write it down and communicate it later with the teacher at conferences.
The key is not dwelling on the could haves or should haves, but focusing on the future. That is what being proactive rather than reactive is all about. As Bluma Gordon writes in her article “Proactive or Reactive: What Kind of Life Are You Leading” “Reactive people allow the past—their upbringing, mistakes, and others’ past wrongdoings–to dictate and shape their future. Proactive people allow the past to inspire and positively impact their future. They don’t get stuck in the past, but take lessons from the past.”
And, of course, to avoid the “blame game.” Focusing more on what we can control and not what we cannot. Reactive people focus on external problems outside their locus of control, such as other people’s disturbing behaviors, or circumstances they simply can’t change. Proactive people focus on that which is in their power to change, such as their own efforts or mindset.
Thus far we have discussed two types of proactive conferences
Child with parent
Parent with child
And, that brings us to the third c. Parent with teacher.
The Parent- Teacher Conference
By bringing what you have learned from the first two “conferences” to parent -teacher conferences, you are in essence showing the teacher that you are proactively ready to put your heads together and partner with each other. Partnership is the key. If you arrive at conferences like “gangbusters” the conference will be a failure. Similar to some of the notes above start with something positive and remember to do lots of listening. After listening, be frank and tell the teachers that you have met with your child and have discussed the concerns and ask her what she thinks of some of the solutions you come up with together.
Dr. Wendy Mogel in her book Voice Lessons for Parents- What to Say, How to Say It and When to Listen, devotes a chapter to the teacher- parent relationship. She begins by recalling that when she was a child the teacher was always right. Today, she says, parents automatically side with the child. A consequence of that reality is that teachers are hesitant to provide frank assessments which can actually help the child. Therefore, Dr. Mogel suggests, similar to what we noted with the parent- child pre-conferences, it is essential to first create a sense of partnership and respect. “...stress your support for the teacher and avoid words or deeds that will cause her to feel defensive. Within this framework you can still voice concerns, and the teacher will be more open to them because you’ve shown that you respect her work and commitment.”
She continues:
Build an alliance with the teacher
Begin parent conferences with a flattering remark.
Present your concerns not as criticism but as a desire to understand the teacher’s approach and help your child.
If the teacher says something that upsets you, keep your reaction in check.
And, then you can continue partnering with the teacher to plan.
There will, of course, be one more conference when you finish your parent- teacher conferences- one more parent- child conference in which you summarize and debrief with your child. While I know that some of you will not get to reading this column until after parent- teacher conferences, that last parent- child conference can most definitely benefit from this column’s content as well.
As we sit down for the post- conferences parent- child conference, let us recall the words in the Gemara Sanhedrin 107b “The right hand draws near and the left hand pushes away.” When we do need to be firm and correct misdeeds of our children we do so with our weaker hand. But, we also need to remember to draw them near, with encouragement and positivity, with our stronger hand. Yael Trusch in her article “Seven Jewish Parenting Principles Inspired by Experience” quotes some ways to practically implement the Gemara’s advice as parents.
Jewish psychologists and parenting experts recommend keeping ratios in mind to help us apply the aforementioned statement from the Talmud. Sarah Chanah Radcliffe suggests an 80:20 ratio of positive to negative interactions with our children (and our spouses) and 90:10 for teenagers. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski recommends a 70:30 ratio. Dr. Miriam Adahan suggests ‘one-third love, one-third law and one-third sitting on your hands (i.e., turn a blind eye).’ Whatever ratio works for you and your individual child, the message is clear: Temper the discipline with a heavy dose of love. No matter what their progress reports look like...No matter what report we get at conferences, we will always love them.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Sixth graders began a unit on Organization- bookbags, lockers, etc.
Seventh Grade: Students finished up their unit on coping with adversity in life with decorating “doggies” for ill children and learning about self-compassion.
Eighth Grade: Students continued the discussion about the ethics of cheating when it comes to the real world and sports.
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