This past week, we had a parent workshop on “Raising Healthy Children in a Digital World” by Dr. Eli Shapiro. In thinking about it, the weeks before Pesach is a perfect time to have a workshop on this topic. Pesach is זמן חרותנו- the time of our Freedom. As parents and educators we appreciate all that technology has to offer, especially during covid, in educating our children and keeping them connected socially during this difficult time. But, we also recognize the addictive nature of technology and how it has taken over much of our lives. How can we achieve freedom from that harm while enjoying all that technology has to offer?
Dr. Shapiro was able to offer some important insights and guidance in this area, which I will share, but first let us consider, what is true freedom- חרות? (And, thereby have a Dvar Torah to share at the seder as well!) It says in Shemot 32:16
וְהַ֨לֻּחֹ֔ת מַעֲשֵׂ֥ה אֱלֹקים הֵ֑מָּה וְהַמִּכְתָּ֗ב מִכְתַּ֤ב אֱלֹקים֙ ה֔וּא חָר֖וּת עַל־הַלֻּחֹֽת׃
The tablets were God’s work, and the writing was God’s writing, engraved upon the tablets.
The Mishna Avot 6:2 on this words says,
וְאוֹמֵר (שמות לב) וְהַ֨לֻּחֹ֔ת מַעֲשֵׂ֥ה אֱלֹקים הֵ֑מָּה וְהַמִּכְתָּ֗ב מִכְתַּ֤ב אֱלֹקים֙ ה֔וּא חָר֖וּת עַל־הַלֻּחֹֽת.
אַל תִּקְרָא חָרוּת אֶלָּא חֵרוּת, שֶׁאֵין לְךָ בֶן חוֹרִין אֶלָּא מִי שֶׁעוֹסֵק בְּתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה
And it says, “And the tablets were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tablets” (Exodus 32:16). Read not haruth [‘graven’] but heruth [ ‘freedom’]. For there is no free man but one that occupies himself with the study of the Torah.
This famous mishna is often discussed. The rules of the Torah seem demanding and limiting and if anything limit our freedom?!? How can the obligation to follow the laws of the Torah be freeing? However, this commentary from the mishna clearly indicates that this view of the laws of the Torah is mistaken.
We usually see freedom as the ability to be free from the control of others. But, freedom is also the ability to be free from the control of our internal impulses, instincts and passions. As Rabbi Mayer Twersky says in his article “Learning To Be Free” “One who is hostage to his own anger, or cannot curb his desire for physical pleasure or is forever driven to seek honor and riches may be politically free, but leads a brutal, slavish existence. By contrast, one who refines his instincts and redeems his passions, and, thus ennobled, is truly free.” The Torah provides those limits which enable us to be truly free.
And, that is why Pesach and Shavuot are connected by the counting of the days from one to the other in sefirat haomer. Shavuot is actually the culmination and completion of the Exodus. It is as if in leaving Egypt the Jews only achieved physical freedom. But, in receiving the Torah their freedom was finalized as they achieved internal freedom. And, interestingly enough, when Moshe approached the burning bush and Hashem first tells him about the Exodus, Hashem says,
וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ כִּֽי־אֶֽהְיֶ֣ה עִמָּ֔ךְ וְזֶה־לְּךָ֣ הָא֔וֹת כִּ֥י אָנֹכִ֖י שְׁלַחְתִּ֑יךָ בְּהוֹצִֽיאֲךָ֤ אֶת־הָעָם֙ מִמִּצְרַ֔יִם תַּֽעַבְדוּן֙ אֶת־הָ֣אֱלֹקים עַ֖ל הָהָ֥ר הַזֶּֽה׃
And He said, “I will be with you; that shall be your sign that it was I who sent you. And when you have freed the people from Egypt, you shall serve God at this mountain.”
This pasuk clearly indicates that getting the Torah at Har Sinai is part of the Exodus. Additionally, notice the language used תַּֽעַבְדוּן֙ - serve. The same root as “slave” עבד. The true way to be free was to not live lives with no rules. They will still “serve,” but their serving Hashem through keeping Torah will ironically free them from their instincts, passions and internal impulses.
Dr. Shapiro spent some time speaking about the impact technology has on our social, physical (health) and emotional lives. Technology has the ability to grab our constant attention and keep us coming back. One parent asked why we spend excessive amounts of time with our devices if we know of the negative effects? He compared it to the sugar high we often pursue. We know that eating 12 cookies is not good for us, but we often overeat anyway. In the moment it feels wonderful. Setting boundaries before the cookies appear is the key.
Our children do not have the ability to self-regulate their technology use. How do we help them free themselves from the compulsion they often face to be constantly on their devices- whether as toddlers or teens? It might sound simple: by making a “Torah” or as Dr. Shapiro said: By making rules, discussing the rules, and keeping the rules. Rules are what provide the freedom from the negative effects of technology. While most experts recommend developing a contract with your child before giving him/her a device, the conversation before that contract to give them a say in the development of that contract is essential.
We know that all technology use is not the same. Not all screen time is equal. In assessing the screen time in which our children are engaged, said Dr. Shapiro, we need to assess the purposes of their device usage:
Consumption- Netflix binging is not the same as a game with friends.
Complementary- Is there interactivity, visual motor development, problem solving, social interaction- what else are they gaining when they are engaged?
Creativity- distance learning is the highest level of using devices for creative purposes.
We as adults need to model setting limits and rules as well. We need those limits to achieve our own freedom, but also to set examples for our children. 1800 parents were surveyed by Common Sense Media, (a wonderful resource for parents which I often discuss in my column!), and they stated they spend at least 9 hours and 22 minutes of screen time each day, and 8 of those hours were for personal use and not for their job. This research is from before the pandemic, and I imagine these numbers would now be higher! Interestingly enough, of those same parents, 80% of them said they were good role models for their children on how to use technology.
Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, z”l, an expert on addictions, discussed in his article “Addicted” a definition of addiction: “The definition is simple. The ultimate distinction between man and animals is not that man is more intelligent, but that animals are creatures that have no choice over their behavior. They must do whatever their bodies demand. They cannot choose what they should do. Man has the ability of self-control, to choose one's behavior, even in defiance of physical urges. Losing the ability to choose is losing the uniqueness of being a human being. If a person loses one's ability to choose and is dominated by urges one cannot control, one is indeed an addict. We pride ourselves on liberty and view slavery as evil because it dehumanizes a person. And that is exactly what happens when we relinquish our ability to choose.”
Here again, we see the mention that true freedom- חרות- is the key to overcoming addiction- including addiction to technology. Dr. Twerski continues that technology has eroded our tolerance for delay and we need instant gratification. So, we are constantly pursuing pleasure and gratification. How do we combat this reality?
“There is no reason to avoid enjoying things, but we must demonstrate to our children that there is more to life than pursuit of pleasure.” Living a life of Torah character traits, says Twerski, models for our children this messages and helps them internalize the boundaries they need.
This year, as we sit at our seders we will say הָשַׁתָּא עַבְדֵי לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּנֵי חוֹרִין׃ Now, we are slaves; next year, may we be free. When we do so, let us consider how to help our children achieve self-regulation through boundaries and rules we set for and with them leading to internal freedom- true חרות.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students continued their unit on organization focusing on how to avoid those heavy backpacks and messy lockers.
Seventh Grade: Students began their unit Do Not Stand Idly by discussing the obligation to stand up to injustice.
Eighth Grade: Students discussed “Who is a hero” and what happens if someone they idolize, particularly a celebrity, does something immoral- does he/she lose that hero status?
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