Thursday, September 28, 2017

Avinu Malkeinu- The Dual Nature Of Teshuva And Parenting

You know that feeling when you walk into the house and you see your children engaged in a behavior that frustrates you- a behavior that you had made clear in the past they were not allowed to do!  You angrily threaten a punishment… and you mean it!  And, then, with a twinkle in her eye, your 7th grader turns to you, puts her arms around you, and says, “I love you.”  The magic formula. Suddenly, your anger abates and you forgive.

You can imagine exactly what Hashem felt, כביכול ,when He peered down and saw Bnai Yisrael engaged in Cheit HaEigel.  Didn’t they know they were not allowed to do Avodah Zarah?!  He angrily threatened to destroy them….and He meant it! And, then, Moshe turns to Hashem and recites the magic formula- the יג מדות הרחמים..  Hashem’s anger abates, and He forgives Bnai Yisrael.  

Okay, maybe it is not as simple as presented here. But, clearly Hashem is אבינו, and we can certainly relate as parents.  Yom Kippur is the day that Bnai Yisrael received the second set of לוחות after Cheit HaEigel. It is that day of forgiveness. I believe that in better understanding the day that Moshe Rabbeinu broke the לוחות and the subsequent use of the middot harachamim  on Yom Kippur, we will better comprehend and implement the process of Teshuva and even become better parents.

We know that the use of the 13 middot was introduced after cheit haegel when Moshe goes up to Har Sinai to receive the second לוחות (Shemot 34: 1-10), and were given to Moshe as a “formula” to use to achieve forgiveness for Bnai Yisrael.  However, Rabbi Menachem Leibtag, in his article, “Yom Kippur And The Thirteen Middot of Rachamim” points out that  interestingly enough, some middot are found even before that event in Shemot 20:4-7 -  in the context of the aseret hadibrot when teaching not to engage in avodah zarah and not to use Hashem’s name in vain.
ד לֹ֣א תַֽעֲשֶׂה־לְּךָ֣ פֶ֣סֶל וְכָל־תְּמוּנָ֡ה אֲשֶׁ֣ר בַּשָּׁמַ֣יִם מִמַּ֡עַל וַֽאֲשֶׁר֩ בָּאָ֨רֶץ מִתַּ֜חַת וַֽאֲשֶׁ֣ר בַּמַּ֣יִם מִתַּ֣חַת לָאָ֗רֶץ:
ה לֹֽא־תִשְׁתַּֽחֲוֶ֣ה לָהֶם֘ וְלֹ֣א תָֽעָבְדֵם֒ כִּ֣י אָֽנֹכִ֞י ה' אֱלֹקיךָ֙ קל קַנָּ֔א פֹּ֠קֵ֠ד עֲוֹ֨ן אָב֧וֹת עַל־בָּנִ֛ים עַל־שִׁלֵּשִׁ֥ים וְעַל־רִבֵּעִ֖ים לְשֽׂנְאָ֑י:
ו וְעֹ֤שֶׂה חֶ֨סֶד֙ לַֽאֲלָפִ֔ים לְאֹֽהֲבַ֖י וּלְשֹֽׁמְרֵ֥י מִצְוֹתָֽי:
ז לֹ֥א תִשָּׂ֛א אֶת־שֵֽׁם־ה' אֱלֹקיךָ לַשָּׁ֑וְא כִּ֣י לֹ֤א יְנַקֶּה֙ ה' אֵ֛ת אֲשֶׁר־יִשָּׂ֥א אֶת־שְׁמ֖וֹ לַשָּֽׁוְא:


Rabbi Leibtag in his article, “Yom Kippur And The Thirteen Middot of Rachamim” highlights that these  middot found in the עשרת הדברות are not at all kind or merciful. In fact, Hashem had said, even after he agreed not to wipe out Bnai Yisrael, that He did not plan on entering Eretz Yisrael with the Jewish people (Shemot 33: 1-3).   If one compares the middot found after  the sin to the ones in the Aseret Hadibrot, they are much more merciful, as noted in this chart:

First לוחות:
  1. Kel Kana
  2. Poked Avon..L’sonai
  3. Oseh chesed l’alafim…l’ohavai (Chesed limited to only those who love Hashem)
  4. Lo Y’nakeh
  5. Lo yisah l’fisheichem (Shemot 23:21)(does not forgive)
  6. Hashem displays his “charon af”
Second לוחות:
  1. Kel rachum v’chanun
  2. Poked avon avot al banim
  3. Rav chesed v’emet, Notzer chesed l’alafim (No limitation- to everyone)

  1. V’nakeh, lo ynakeh
  2. Nosei avon v’fesha (Forgives)

  1. Erech apayim



The first  ברית(covenant) that Hashem made with Bnai Yisrael was one of מדת הדין (which includes immediate punishment and immediate reward). It makes perfect sense, therefore, that Hashem’s immediate reaction to the חטא העגל is to destroy Klal Yisrael. The only alternative is to annul the first  ברית. That is what the breaking of the לוחות symbolized- the annulment of the first  ברית- and the only way for the Jewish people to survive.
             
The new  ברית must be of a different nature, as we have seen that Bnai Yisrael cannot survive a covenant of מדת הדין.   When Hashem reveals Himself for the second לוחות He must relay how these לוחות will be different- more merciful, as depicted in the “new” middot. Then, and only then, after the 13 middot, can Moshe request that Hashem’s shechina come back to Bnai Yisrael:

וַיֹּ֡אמֶר אִם־נָא֩ מָצָ֨אתִי חֵ֤ן בְּעֵינֶ֨יךָ֙ ה' יֵֽלֶךְ־נָ֥א  ה' בְּקִרְבֵּ֑נוּ כִּ֤י עַם־קְשֵׁה־עֹ֨רֶף֙ ה֔וּא וְסָֽלַחְתָּ֛ לַֽעֲוֹנֵ֥נוּ וּלְחַטָּאתֵ֖נוּ וּנְחַלְתָּֽנוּ.

When we say the middot harachamim during Selichot it not just about a “mystical formula.”  It is a reminder of the conditions of the second לוחות, says Rabbi Leibtag, which in essence allows for forgiveness.  It is quite meaningful that on Yom Kippur, the day that Bnai Yisrael received the second לוחות, we ask for רחמים.

Rav Soloveitchik, z”tl, in his 1977 Kinus Teshuva Derasha, discussing the different names we call Yom Kippur in our Tefilla, and focuses upon  the beginning of the birchat kedushat hayom in the amida of Yom Kippur. There we ask of Hashem:
אלוקינו ואלוקי אבותינו מחל לעוונותינו ביום הכיפורים הזה
These words differ from that which we say before the communal vidui during chazarat hashatz:
אלוקינו ואלוקי אבותינו סלח ומחל לעוונותינו ביום הכיפורים הזה

The Rav states, “Selicha represents a relationship with Hashem where He is an absolute ruler.” On the other hand, the other type of relationship we have with Hashem is that of “an intimate, childhood friend... mechila addresses the sociological alienation between man and G-d as a result of sin.”  

For Teshuva we need both selicha (מדת הדין) and mechila (מדת הרחמים).

Cheit HaEgel, Yom Kippur And והלכת בדרכיו- Imitating Hashem

As Rav Soloveitchik and Rabbi Leibtag have both elucidated, without מדת הרחמים Teshuva would not exist. However, we know that the dual relationship of both דין and רחמים are essential for real Teshuva.

Even Moshe, who begs for that mercy, understands the need for these two types of relationships when it comes to Teshuva. First, Moshe approaches Hashem with Tefilla, trying to elicit that מדת הרחמים.  But, even Moshe himself understands that רחמים is not sufficient, and implements the דין as he breaks the לוחות in front of Bnai Yisrael.  He then burns the eigel, grinds it, sprinkles it into the water and makes Bnai Yisrael drink from it.  Moshe then punishes the leaders. All along Bnai Yisrael do not protest, but go along willingly as these actions demonstrate their remorse.

Moshe, in essence, is imitating Hashem’s balance of the mercy and judgment.  Thinking of Hashem of אבינו, I consider how as parents we too need to imitate Hashem and balance both the דין and רחמים.  As we know, Hashem is מלכנו and אבינו simultaneously.

There are different types of parenting styles, based on the work of Diana Baumrind. She developed a typology of parenting in three categories Authoritative, Authoritarian and Permissive.

Authoritarian parents focus on obedience and try to break the will of a child through coercion and power.  They are controlling and never believe in bending any rules, with an extreme sense of justice.  This style appears to be more in line with דין.  Children of these parents are more timid and have lower self-esteem.

Permissive parents make few demands on their children. They are lenient and avoid confrontation.  This parenting style seems to be a pure רחמים parenting pattern.  Children of these parents grow up entitled and rebellious when any limits are set.

Authoritative parents are strict, consistent and loving and can adjust their expectations to the needs of the child. They hope their children will internalize their goals. They are demanding and responsive. They are assertive, but not restrictive.  I see this style as more in line with a combination of דין and רחמים.  Children of this style seem to be the most well-adjusted and competent.

(There is a difference between the discipline of the authoritative parent versus the punishment of the authoritarian parent as seen in the root of the words, as highlighted by Michael Eric Dyson. Discipline comes from the Latin “discipuli” from where the word “disciple” comes.  Punishment comes from the Greek “poine” and Latin “poena” which means revenge, from where the words “pain” and “penalty” also come. Clearly the authoritative parent is using דין to teach and educate.  The authoritarian parent is looking to cause pain and even take revenge- unintentionally).

Dr. Angela Duckworth, famous for her work on grit and success in life, notes in an interview:
...The second thing I would say is that there’s a very rich literature on parenting, which I think can be summarized as this: it used to be thought that you could be a supportive parent — super warm and respecting your child’s individuality — or you could be a demanding, strict, high standards parent. And you had to pick somewhere on the continuum. It actually turns out that there isn’t a tradeoff. You can be extremely supportive, warm, tell them that you love them unconditionally, and, at the same time, be a very firm, high standards disciplinarian. There is not one continuum; there are two. This combination of being very warm and very demanding is called authoritative parenting. We don’t yet have the research linking authoritative parenting to character itself, but from everything we do know, the parents who are not only modeling character for their kids, but bringing up their kids in a supportive, warm, consistently disciplined, high expectations environment, are helping their kids stand the best chance of developing character as they get older.

As parents we are encouraged “והלכת בדרכיו” (Devarim 28:9)- to parent as Hashem does.  As an “authoritative” parent, Hashem,  כביכול , demonstrates the dual relationship of דין and רחמים.  May we merit this year to parent our children as Hashem does us.  And,  on this Yom Kippur may we merit to receive both Hashem’s מחילה and סליחה to achieve true Teshuva.


Advisory Update;
Sixth Grade :
Students have discussed tips for success that last year’s sixth graders provided at the end of the year. They discussed what might be some key areas upon which they should focus to succeed this year and made some tentative commitments to do so.

Seventh Grade-
Students focused on the importance of changing the world around them and changing  themselves as the highlighted the projects they will accomplish this year in Advisory.  

Eighth Grade-

Students set S.M.A.R.T. and gritty goals for this year as they explored what grit is and why it is important. Utilizing a website called futureme.org, they will have their goals come back to them the day before graduation in an e-mail, and they will see how much they have truly accomplished!

Saturday, September 16, 2017

"Recalculate"- A Rosh Hashana And Life Lesson

As we approach Rosh Hashana we all focus on ensuring that we choose the right path this coming year.  We ask ourselves, as it says in the Mishna in Avot 2:1,
אֵיזוֹהִי דֶרֶךְ יְשָׁרָה שֶׁיָּבֹר לוֹ הָאָדָם, Which is the straight path that a person should choose for himself?

This is a metaphorical question that our 8th graders asked themselves last week when they navigated the Stony Hill corn maze, seeking the right path.  They thought they were just having a fun, bonding experience.  (Little did they know!)  The following week in Advisory our classes began to discuss the imagery of the maze through the book ( as portrayed in a video), Who Moved My Cheese  by Dr. Spencer Johnson.  Who Moved My Cheese  is about four characters Sniff, Scurry, Hem and Haw who live in a maze, representing life. They are seeking cheese, representing happiness and success.  At some point the cheese supply runs out. Sniff and Scurry are prepared for this change, while Hem and Haw are resentful and angry about the path where life has led them.

The imagery we discuss with them is that life is often full of challenges, and dead ends, and paths that we thought would be the right ones which do not turn out the way we had wanted or planned. The goal is to overcome frustration and keep on going.  

We believe things should be a certain way, so we are disappointed and even angry when they are not. We need to change our beliefs, and in turn change our behaviors which will change our future, because things are usually not the way we plan!  If we do not have the ability to change, then we just fall apart when things don't go our way, we blame, we get depressed and we do not do anything different- so nothing gets better.

This concept connects to my last week’s column about learning how to fall or fail. It reminded me of a piece I once read in my aunt’s home some years ago. It was originally written by Emily Perl Kingsley, a parent of a special needs child:

Welcome To Holland
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Kingsley’s message is one that applies to all changes of course in life.  At times we expect to go to Italy, but the path leads us to Holland.  Our ability to deal with unexpected change and disappointment is critical to resilience in life.

The same goes for our personal growth during this season of the Yamim Noraim. |When we look back at this past year, there were times we chose the wrong path- the one leading us away from self- improvement.  It is easy to be frustrated and blame ourselves.  That is where “recalculating” comes in.

Although those of us who use Waze will not hear the word “recalculating” we all know the feeling of making the wrong turn and the GPS “recalculating.” This concept struck me when I watched a commercial for the Jeep Compass which came out a few months ago. It depicts how often life takes turns we do not expect, and after each unexpected scene of life one hears “recalculating.”  The beauty of this time of year and Teshuva in general is that we on our own can “recalculate.”  

It is as if G-d is telling us, “We all make mistakes and make wrong turns in life.  Take some time, reflect on your choices, and if you need to, recalculate.  Be careful of your choices, as each change in direction can lead you to the wrong path.”

As Shmuel Zev HaKohen says in his article, “Recalculating: Don’t Wait Till You’re Really Lost” “Life also has a beginning and an end point. The end points are goals. The road consists of all the obstacles God puts before us, challenges to grow by and strengthen us. The roadblocks are many, some small some large. We all make mistakes. That's what the High Holidays are about. They are how a person does a RECALC over the year. In reality, though, it's not enough. If you are traveling from New York to Washington DC, you would not want to do your first RECALC when you find yourself in Chicago. It can be done, but it's a bit late and the effort to correct yourself is substantial.”

What is the solution, as Rabbi HaKohen, “The solution to this problem is to consider what your end point is and monitor it along the way. Your personal GPS, alternately known as the soul, can RECALC any situation. But you have to press the button and be willing to listen to the message.”
It is not enough to wait until the Yamim Noraim to recalculate and change course.  All year we need to make a commitment to working on stopping in the moment and recalculating what we are about to do.

HaKohen gives a few examples:

  1. You’re at home and about to yell at a spouse or a child, stop and think and recalculate.  And, even if you do yell, you can still recalculate right after and apologize.
  2. Bad habits- whether it is watching less t.v., eating less pizza- recalculate and think.
  3. Goals for the new year- set them and intermittently visit your list and recalculate if you are not achieving them. He calls this “spiritual accounting.”  


Going back to the Mishna in Avot and Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi’s question,
אֵיזוֹהִי דֶרֶךְ יְשָׁרָה שֶׁיָּבֹר לוֹ הָאָדָם, Which is the straight path that a person should choose for himself?

Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi answers:

רַבִּי אוֹמֵר, אֵיזוֹהִי דֶרֶךְ יְשָׁרָה שֶׁיָּבֹר לוֹ הָאָדָם, כֹּל שֶׁהִיא תִפְאֶרֶת לְעוֹשֶׂיהָ וְתִפְאֶרֶת לוֹ מִן הָאָדָם.
Rabbi [Yehuda haNasi] said: Which is the straight path that a person should choose for himself? Whichever [path] that is [itself] praiseworthy for the person adopting [it], And praiseworthy to him from [other] people.
Whatever choices we make in life we need to be cognizant that they will contribute to our own self-development, and will impact positively on those around us. Likewise, Teshuva consists of internal work we must do, but also reaching out to repair the hurt we have imposed on others.  
We see the same word תִפְאֶרֶת   in Yeshayahu 49:3,
וַיֹּאמֶר לִי עַבְדִּי אָתָּה יִשְׂרָאֵל אֲשֶׁר בְּךָ אֶתְפָּאָר
He said to me, "You are My servant, Israel, in whom I will take pride [or, be glorified]."
When evaluating one’s path in life, one must  first and foremost assess whether his/her choice is a source of pride to G-d.  Would G-d be happy in the path I have chosen?

One of the parshiot we just read this Shabbat, Parashat Nitzavim always  falls out right before Rosh Hashana.  It begins in Devarim 29:9,
“אַתֶּם נִצָּבִים הַיּוֹם כֻּלְּכֶם לִפְנֵיה אֱלֹקיכֶם “You are hereby standing, all of you, before Hashem your G-d…  On Rosh Hashana we all stand before G-d in judgment. But, we also need to recall that we are always standing before G-d, and choose a path which allows us to remain before G-d at all times.

As we approach Rosh Hashana, and stand before G-d ready to choose the right path,  may we merit to “recalculate” when we approach life’s frustrations and upsets.  May we find the right path, and continue to recalculate throughout the year as needed, not waiting until the next Rosh Hashana to arrive.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Sixth graders began getting to know their Advisors, their fellow advisees, and what Advisory will be all about this year.
Seventh Grade: Students focused on the theme of this year’s Advisory “Prepare Yourself To Change The World” and how even teens can make a difference in their own lives and in the lives of those around them.

Eighth Grade:  Students began to discuss the metaphor of the maze, (as noted above), and apply it to their lives this year and beyond.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Helping Our Teens Fall And F.A.I.L.

There is nothing like the first days of school. Fresh notebooks (or iPads), smiles on faces,  (as there have been no tests yet!), and classmates arm in arm catching up all bring a feeling of a fresh start where are possibilities are possible.  


As a school psychologist, I’d say that I spend my first days of school briefing teachers, preparing lessons for Advisory, making sure our sixth graders, new students and the rest of our middle schoolers are settling in,  and speaking to parents about concerns. And, although the middle schoolers are happy to greet me and shmooze with me about their summers, I get very few students seeking meetings with me about their “problems.”  They are still optimistic about that which is to come.


As parents and educators we know that sooner or later the stress of school will begin. We do try as much as we can to make the work manageable,  and to help our students learn strategies to manage that stress.


 A University of Georgia professor has his own plan to help his students manage their stress as reported by CNN in the article “Professor’s Plan To Let Students Grade Themselves Gets An F.” Professor Richard Watson’s syllabus speaks of his “stress reduction policy.” This policy states, “If you feel unduly stressed by a grade for any assessable material or the overall course,  you can email the instructor indicating what grade you think is appropriate and it will be so changed…No explanation is required…” Additionally,  Professor Watson offered his students that if they feel stressed out by group work, they should leave “immediately.” “If in a group meeting, you feel stressed by your group’s dynamics,  you should leave the meeting immediately and need offer no explanation to group members.”


I can imagine that the students in his course were ecstatic. They get to choose their own grades!  The Dean, not so much.  The professor was asked to remove that piece from his syllabus.  Professor Watson’s “stress reduction” plan did not provide students with any coping strategies for real life. As we know, in real life, our children will face failure, and they need to learn how to bounce back.  


During our end of the summer Faculty Inservice Days we focused on the topic of Living Inspired When Faced With Failure.  We began with an inspirational presentation of his life story by Rabbi Yitzy Haber. Those who have been reading my blog these past years, or have had 7th graders in the middle school, will know that each year Rabbi Haber comes to speak to our 7th graders to launch the unit in Advisory “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping With Adversity In Life.” In a humorous way, Yitzy speaks of his battle with cancer as a young boy,  and how humor was his way of coping.  He shares a story about how after his surgery to have his leg amputated he needed to learn how to walk with an amputated leg.  Yitzy was so excited to finally walk.  The physical therapist said to him, “Okay, I am going to teach you how to fall.” Yitzy was puzzled.  “I came here to learn how to walk!”  The therapist replied, “First you need to learn how to fall. You need to learn to fall the right way, in order to get up again.” The metaphor is powerful.  All people fall.  All people face hardship.  It is how you get up that makes the difference. Our children need to learn how to survive falling.


Interestingly enough, I came across an article just this weekend in The Week “How  To Fall And Live To Tell The Tale” by Neil Steinberg.  “Scientists are now encouraging people to learn how to fall to minimize injury — to view falling not so much as an unexpected hazard to be avoided as an inevitability to be prepared for...How you prepare for the possibility of falling, what you do when falling, what you hit after falling — all determine whether and how severely you are hurt…”.  Steinberg writes how there are scientists studying falling to develop "safe landing responses" to help limit the damage from falls.  Scientists have also discovered in their research that “fear of falling puts you at risk for falling." Although Steinberg’s article was about the act of physically falling the research rings true for those of us who are trying to teach our children how to fall...and get up unscathed.  Falling is “inevitable,” they need to prepare for it and know what to do. The less prepared they are, the more fearful they are of failure.


By chance, this past week I also read the autobiography of Chava Willig Levy Life Not With Standing. (Those who know me know that I am constantly on the lookout for material for my column!) Chava had polio when she was a small child and the book tells of her numerous surgeries and hospitalizations, how she is confined to a wheelchair for life, and her struggles with getting married.  Chava’s book was full of humor and wisdom, and she too spoke of “falling.” She wrote of a summer camp experience in a camp for “handicapped children.” She fell flat on her face in front of the whole lunchroom. Instead of rushing to pick her up, the director of the camp approached her and asked, “Tell me, how would you like to be helped up?”  For the first time in her life, she was asked to take control and decide how she would get up.  She cannot help falling, but she is the one who determines how she will rise again.  Our children need to learn how to get up as well.  We will assist them and support them, but they cannot rely on us to do it for them and to bail them out.  They are the only ones who can get themselves up again.  We, as parents, need to allow them the independence to do so.  


Shlomo HaMelech states in Mishlei 24:16,
“A righteous person falls seven times and gets up.”  These failures apply to all areas of life, including spiritual growth.  Rav Hutner said on these words, “The fool thinks the righteous person gets up despite his falls; the wise person understands that he can only ‘get up’ and grow because he falls.  You have fallen numerous times, and you will fall again numerous times. That is not, G-d forbid, a negative prediction, but a fact of life. But there is a concept of ‘losing a battle yet winning the war’. You can fall to your evil inclination time and time again. But as long as you are resilient and dust yourself off and continue to fight, you have not been defeated, and you’ll ultimately prevail and win the war.”


In her book, The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee, Dr. Wendy Mogel stresses the importance of allowing our children to struggle and fail.  If we overprotect them from feeling pain, they are also protected from growth.  If they are insulated they are incapable of dealing with any adversity and become “teacups” that “chip like a teacup” when confronting difficulty.


On the second day of our Faculty Inservice we were privileged to hear Rabbi Daniel Fridman. He spoke of three heroes of Tanach Moshe, Aharon and Miriam, who all failed. In the Torah, the fact that our role models were not infallible sends the message that we all fail.  Rabbi Fridman reminded us as teachers that not only will our students confront failure, be we too will have days that we will fail as teachers and parents. We need to understand the root of the failure to learn from our falls.


Benjamin Barber, a scientist at Rutgers University  (as quoted by Rabbi Benjamin Blech in his article “The Blessing of Failure”) states that he does not consider people successes or failures. He “divides the world into learners and non- learners.  There are people who learn, who are open to what happens around them, who listen, who hear the lessons...The question to ask is not whether you are a success or failure, but whether you are a learner or non- learner.” We try to relay to our students that F.A.I.L stands for - First Attempt In Learning.  It is part and parcel of the learning process.


Dr. Mogel, mentioned above, called her two books The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee and The Blessing Of A B-.  As parents, it is hard for us to keep in mind that failure can be a blessing.  Supreme Court Justice John Roberts took this “blessing”  to an extreme when he recently gave a speech at his son’s middle school graduation and blessed the graduates.  (I thank Dr. Feit for introducing me to this article).  
“From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly, so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either.
And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then, your opponent will gloat over your failure. It is a way for you to understand the importance of sportsmanship. I hope you’ll be ignored so you know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you will have just enough pain to learn compassion. Whether I wish these things or not, they’re going to happen. And whether you benefit from them or not will depend upon your ability to see the message in your misfortunes.”


Emuna Braverman, in her article which quotes Justice Roberts’ words, “Words Of Wisdom From Supreme Court Justice John Roberts” comments:
“As the last two lines make clear, life is full of tests. There will be disappointments and betrayals and failures and many other types of challenges. No one leads a life free of struggle. In fact the Talmud suggests that you if you haven’t had a test in 40 days, you should worry that the Almighty has given up on you. Tests are an opportunity to dig deep and achieve our potential. What loving parent doesn’t want that for his children?
Tests are not an occasion for bitterness or frustration or negativity. The “message in our misfortunes” is not like a line on a piece of paper in a Chinese fortune cookie. The message is the growth available. A teacher or parent knows that the message has been effectively communicated when he or she sees the student or child make changes to his personality, to his effort, to his attitude.
One might be tempted to think that someone who has achieved the role of Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court has it all. What do they know of gloating or being ignored or developing compassion? But I venture to guess from his words that these are lessons hard won, some battles hard fought and some struggles still in place. And that what he wants to communicate to these young kids, as they approach the rough passage of adolescence, is to embrace their challenges as opportunities for growth. Don’t shy away from them or feel oppressed or burdened. They are the true gifts from a loving Father just as his words are a gift to his son.”


As we think about wishes for this coming school year, I do not think that most of us will go as far as Justice Roberts did to wish failure upon our children. But, we can wish that when they fall they will able to rise with grace.


Best wishes for wonderful school year!