You know that feeling when you walk into the house and you see your children engaged in a behavior that frustrates you- a behavior that you had made clear in the past they were not allowed to do! You angrily threaten a punishment… and you mean it! And, then, with a twinkle in her eye, your 7th grader turns to you, puts her arms around you, and says, “I love you.” The magic formula. Suddenly, your anger abates and you forgive.
You can imagine exactly what Hashem felt, כביכול ,when He peered down and saw Bnai Yisrael engaged in Cheit HaEigel. Didn’t they know they were not allowed to do Avodah Zarah?! He angrily threatened to destroy them….and He meant it! And, then, Moshe turns to Hashem and recites the magic formula- the יג מדות הרחמים.. Hashem’s anger abates, and He forgives Bnai Yisrael.
Okay, maybe it is not as simple as presented here. But, clearly Hashem is אבינו, and we can certainly relate as parents. Yom Kippur is the day that Bnai Yisrael received the second set of לוחות after Cheit HaEigel. It is that day of forgiveness. I believe that in better understanding the day that Moshe Rabbeinu broke the לוחות and the subsequent use of the middot harachamim on Yom Kippur, we will better comprehend and implement the process of Teshuva and even become better parents.
We know that the use of the 13 middot was introduced after cheit haegel when Moshe goes up to Har Sinai to receive the second לוחות (Shemot 34: 1-10), and were given to Moshe as a “formula” to use to achieve forgiveness for Bnai Yisrael. However, Rabbi Menachem Leibtag, in his article, “Yom Kippur And The Thirteen Middot of Rachamim” points out that interestingly enough, some middot are found even before that event in Shemot 20:4-7 - in the context of the aseret hadibrot when teaching not to engage in avodah zarah and not to use Hashem’s name in vain.
ד לֹ֣א תַֽעֲשֶׂה־לְּךָ֣ פֶ֣סֶל וְכָל־תְּמוּנָ֡ה אֲשֶׁ֣ר בַּשָּׁמַ֣יִם מִמַּ֡עַל וַֽאֲשֶׁר֩ בָּאָ֨רֶץ מִתַּ֜חַת וַֽאֲשֶׁ֣ר בַּמַּ֣יִם מִתַּ֣חַת לָאָ֗רֶץ:
ה לֹֽא־תִשְׁתַּֽחֲוֶ֣ה לָהֶם֘ וְלֹ֣א תָֽעָבְדֵם֒ כִּ֣י אָֽנֹכִ֞י ה' אֱלֹקיךָ֙ קל קַנָּ֔א פֹּ֠קֵ֠ד עֲוֹ֨ן אָב֧וֹת עַל־בָּנִ֛ים עַל־שִׁלֵּשִׁ֥ים וְעַל־רִבֵּעִ֖ים לְשֽׂנְאָ֑י:
ו וְעֹ֤שֶׂה חֶ֨סֶד֙ לַֽאֲלָפִ֔ים לְאֹֽהֲבַ֖י וּלְשֹֽׁמְרֵ֥י מִצְוֹתָֽי:
ז לֹ֥א תִשָּׂ֛א אֶת־שֵֽׁם־ה' אֱלֹקיךָ לַשָּׁ֑וְא כִּ֣י לֹ֤א יְנַקֶּה֙ ה' אֵ֛ת אֲשֶׁר־יִשָּׂ֥א אֶת־שְׁמ֖וֹ לַשָּֽׁוְא:
Rabbi Leibtag in his article, “Yom Kippur And The Thirteen Middot of Rachamim” highlights that these middot found in the עשרת הדברות are not at all kind or merciful. In fact, Hashem had said, even after he agreed not to wipe out Bnai Yisrael, that He did not plan on entering Eretz Yisrael with the Jewish people (Shemot 33: 1-3). If one compares the middot found after the sin to the ones in the Aseret Hadibrot, they are much more merciful, as noted in this chart:
First לוחות:
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Second לוחות:
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The first ברית(covenant) that Hashem made with Bnai Yisrael was one of מדת הדין (which includes immediate punishment and immediate reward). It makes perfect sense, therefore, that Hashem’s immediate reaction to the חטא העגל is to destroy Klal Yisrael. The only alternative is to annul the first ברית. That is what the breaking of the לוחות symbolized- the annulment of the first ברית- and the only way for the Jewish people to survive.
The new ברית must be of a different nature, as we have seen that Bnai Yisrael cannot survive a covenant of מדת הדין. When Hashem reveals Himself for the second לוחות He must relay how these לוחות will be different- more merciful, as depicted in the “new” middot. Then, and only then, after the 13 middot, can Moshe request that Hashem’s shechina come back to Bnai Yisrael:
וַיֹּ֡אמֶר אִם־נָא֩ מָצָ֨אתִי חֵ֤ן בְּעֵינֶ֨יךָ֙ ה' יֵֽלֶךְ־נָ֥א ה' בְּקִרְבֵּ֑נוּ כִּ֤י עַם־קְשֵׁה־עֹ֨רֶף֙ ה֔וּא וְסָֽלַחְתָּ֛ לַֽעֲוֹנֵ֥נוּ וּלְחַטָּאתֵ֖נוּ וּנְחַלְתָּֽנוּ.
When we say the middot harachamim during Selichot it not just about a “mystical formula.” It is a reminder of the conditions of the second לוחות, says Rabbi Leibtag, which in essence allows for forgiveness. It is quite meaningful that on Yom Kippur, the day that Bnai Yisrael received the second לוחות, we ask for רחמים.
Rav Soloveitchik, z”tl, in his 1977 Kinus Teshuva Derasha, discussing the different names we call Yom Kippur in our Tefilla, and focuses upon the beginning of the birchat kedushat hayom in the amida of Yom Kippur. There we ask of Hashem:
אלוקינו ואלוקי אבותינו מחל לעוונותינו ביום הכיפורים הזה
These words differ from that which we say before the communal vidui during chazarat hashatz:
אלוקינו ואלוקי אבותינו סלח ומחל לעוונותינו ביום הכיפורים הזה
The Rav states, “Selicha represents a relationship with Hashem where He is an absolute ruler.” On the other hand, the other type of relationship we have with Hashem is that of “an intimate, childhood friend... mechila addresses the sociological alienation between man and G-d as a result of sin.”
For Teshuva we need both selicha (מדת הדין) and mechila (מדת הרחמים).
Cheit HaEgel, Yom Kippur And והלכת בדרכיו- Imitating Hashem
As Rav Soloveitchik and Rabbi Leibtag have both elucidated, without מדת הרחמים Teshuva would not exist. However, we know that the dual relationship of both דין and רחמים are essential for real Teshuva.
Even Moshe, who begs for that mercy, understands the need for these two types of relationships when it comes to Teshuva. First, Moshe approaches Hashem with Tefilla, trying to elicit that מדת הרחמים. But, even Moshe himself understands that רחמים is not sufficient, and implements the דין as he breaks the לוחות in front of Bnai Yisrael. He then burns the eigel, grinds it, sprinkles it into the water and makes Bnai Yisrael drink from it. Moshe then punishes the leaders. All along Bnai Yisrael do not protest, but go along willingly as these actions demonstrate their remorse.
Moshe, in essence, is imitating Hashem’s balance of the mercy and judgment. Thinking of Hashem of אבינו, I consider how as parents we too need to imitate Hashem and balance both the דין and רחמים. As we know, Hashem is מלכנו and אבינו simultaneously.
There are different types of parenting styles, based on the work of Diana Baumrind. She developed a typology of parenting in three categories Authoritative, Authoritarian and Permissive.
Authoritarian parents focus on obedience and try to break the will of a child through coercion and power. They are controlling and never believe in bending any rules, with an extreme sense of justice. This style appears to be more in line with דין. Children of these parents are more timid and have lower self-esteem.
Permissive parents make few demands on their children. They are lenient and avoid confrontation. This parenting style seems to be a pure רחמים parenting pattern. Children of these parents grow up entitled and rebellious when any limits are set.
Authoritative parents are strict, consistent and loving and can adjust their expectations to the needs of the child. They hope their children will internalize their goals. They are demanding and responsive. They are assertive, but not restrictive. I see this style as more in line with a combination of דין and רחמים. Children of this style seem to be the most well-adjusted and competent.
(There is a difference between the discipline of the authoritative parent versus the punishment of the authoritarian parent as seen in the root of the words, as highlighted by Michael Eric Dyson. Discipline comes from the Latin “discipuli” from where the word “disciple” comes. Punishment comes from the Greek “poine” and Latin “poena” which means revenge, from where the words “pain” and “penalty” also come. Clearly the authoritative parent is using דין to teach and educate. The authoritarian parent is looking to cause pain and even take revenge- unintentionally).
Dr. Angela Duckworth, famous for her work on grit and success in life, notes in an interview:
...The second thing I would say is that there’s a very rich literature on parenting, which I think can be summarized as this: it used to be thought that you could be a supportive parent — super warm and respecting your child’s individuality — or you could be a demanding, strict, high standards parent. And you had to pick somewhere on the continuum. It actually turns out that there isn’t a tradeoff. You can be extremely supportive, warm, tell them that you love them unconditionally, and, at the same time, be a very firm, high standards disciplinarian. There is not one continuum; there are two. This combination of being very warm and very demanding is called authoritative parenting. We don’t yet have the research linking authoritative parenting to character itself, but from everything we do know, the parents who are not only modeling character for their kids, but bringing up their kids in a supportive, warm, consistently disciplined, high expectations environment, are helping their kids stand the best chance of developing character as they get older.
As parents we are encouraged “והלכת בדרכיו” (Devarim 28:9)- to parent as Hashem does. As an “authoritative” parent, Hashem, כביכול , demonstrates the dual relationship of דין and רחמים. May we merit this year to parent our children as Hashem does us. And, on this Yom Kippur may we merit to receive both Hashem’s מחילה and סליחה to achieve true Teshuva.
Advisory Update;
Sixth Grade :
Students have discussed tips for success that last year’s sixth graders provided at the end of the year. They discussed what might be some key areas upon which they should focus to succeed this year and made some tentative commitments to do so.
Seventh Grade-
Students focused on the importance of changing the world around them and changing themselves as the highlighted the projects they will accomplish this year in Advisory.
Eighth Grade-
Students set S.M.A.R.T. and gritty goals for this year as they explored what grit is and why it is important. Utilizing a website called futureme.org, they will have their goals come back to them the day before graduation in an e-mail, and they will see how much they have truly accomplished!
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