Peer Influence And Adolescence

As the chagim season has passed and real life returns, school has begun in earnest. For those of us who have 8th graders, the high school application process is on our minds. We will spend the next months at Open Houses, interviews, visit days and helping our children fill out their applications. Some of us are already sure as to what high school is the best fit for our children. Others of us can see our children in more than one school.  How do we decide?  

In 2015, I mentioned a fascinating article in my column from a 2012 New York Magazine  article, "Why You Truly Never Leave High School” by Jennifer Senior.  I had originally referred to this article as I had just attended my high school reunion and thought about whom I had become.   Ever since I discovered that article, as I shmooze with eighth graders and their parents about their choices, I think about its content.

Senior describes how the high school years make a significant impact on the development of a person.  "Give a grown adult a series of random prompts and cues, and odds are he or she will recall a disproportionate number of memories from adolescence." This phenomenon is called "reminiscence bump" - suggesting that memories from ages 15-25 are most vividly retained.   Interestingly enough, in the research, these years until recently were not given enough credit.   For many years, researchers believed that ages 0-3 were the essential years, and beyond that it was "tweaking." Laurence Steinberg, a developmental psychologist at Temple University asserts, "If you're interested in making sure kids learn a lot in school, yes, intervening in early childhood is the time to do it.  But, if you're interested in how people become who they are, so much is going on in the adolescent years."  So, how do we choose a school that will ensure they become whom they are meant to be?

Steinberg points out that our preferences in life are often based on those adolescent years.  For example, "No matter how old you are, the music you listen to for the rest of your life is probably what you listened to when you were an adolescent."  In choosing a school, we want to make sure they will be surrounded by the values that will impact on them throughout their lives.  This speaks to the faculty and mission of the school of choice.  

Neuroscience explains why this is.  As I've mentioned before in this column, just before adolescence the prefrontal cortex begins to rapidly develop. This area of the brain governs our ability to "reason, grasp abstractions, control impulses and self- reflect"- all of which are intellectual skills needed to develop an identity.  "Any cultural stimuli we are exposed to during puberty, can, therefore, make more of an impression, because we're now perceiving them discerningly and metacognitively as things to sweep into our self- concepts or reject.  'During times when your identity is in transition,' says Steinberg, it's possible you store memories better than you do in times of stability.'"  

There are a number of other neurological changes in adolescence that make this time period in life so impactful. One such change is that there is more dopamine activity during this time period than during any other time of life.  This causes everything an adolescent feels to be more intense.

To make this all even more "intense"  psychologists Joseph and Claudia Worrell Allen point out in their book Escaping The Endless Adolescence, that a century ago when adolescents did not continue on to high school and worked in factories or farms they spent their days alongside adults during these tenuous years.  Now, "teens live in a biosphere of their own" as they spend only 16 hours per week with adults and 60 with their peers (and even more in Yeshivot).  Then students create their own hierarchies and divisions based on what they deem important- clothes, looks, sports ability. It is easy to be labeled in this environment. According to researcher Bene Brown, 90% of adults interviewed said "their unwanted identities and labels started during their tweens and teens." And, whatever strategies we gain to fight those feelings during the high school years, we generally will use for life.  

This component speaks to the importance of the peer group in choosing a high school. While we stress to the students that one does not choose a high school based on where one’s friends are going, one does choose a high school based on peers in this “biosphere” that will exert a positive influence on one’s spiritual and academic development.  

In my mind, this is the key component in choosing a high school.  We all throw around the term “peer pressure” as if it is overused. When it comes to teens, it is the crux of their existence. But, in essence, it can be positive and negative.  We hope our children will make the choice to surround themselves by positive peer pressure.  In choosing a high school we must consider, where can my child find that positive peer pressure?

We all know that peer/social influence impacts a teen more as they are less able to control impulses, think ahead, and are less focused on the possible risks of decisions they make.  A research study funded by the National Institute on Drug Abuse demonstrated that the number of risks teens took in playing a driving video game more than doubled when their friends were watching as compared to when they played alone.  This finding is quite obvious to those of us who live with teens.   

What is new is the influence of the technology, and particularly the internet, on peer pressure.  On one hand, the internet has helped some overcome peer pressure by speaking their minds. On the other hand,  it has become more difficult to keep our teens away from negative peer influences.  Research shows that teens who spend a significant amount of time on social media are more prone to see photos of their friends drinking or engaging in undesirable behaviors.  The National Center on Addictions and Substance Abuse released statistics that teens who saw images of partying were four times mere likely to have used marijuana, more than three times more likely to have used alcohol and almost three times more likely to have used tobacco.  Social media amplifies the peer pressure they feel.  They simply cannot escape the digital peer pressure. They are constantly searching for acceptance and have the need to show off.  

In a shiur about peer pressure that I have delivered in the past to teens, I begin with this humorous comic:

Interestingly enough, despite there being only two people on earth, Adam succumbed to peer pressure.  Noach, on the other hand, as we read in this week’s parasha

“תָּמִ֥ים הָיָ֖ה בְּדֹֽרֹתָ֑יו אֶת־הָֽאֱלֹקים הִתְהַלֶּךְ־נֹֽחַ”  “... he was perfect in his generations; Noah walked with God”  Despite the behavior of his generation, he was able to be “perfect” and walk with Hashem, ignoring the path of others.  This brings to mind Shlomo HaMelech’s words in Mishlei 13:20,

הֹלֵ֣וךְ הוֹלֵ֣ךְ אֶת־חֲכָמִ֣ים וֶחְכָּ֑ם יֶחְכָּ֑ם וְרֹעֶ֖ה כְסִילִ֣ים יֵרֽוֹעַ:

He who goes with the wise will become wise, but he who befriends the fools will be broken. Noach chose to walk with God- who better could he “befriend”?

True, no matter what school we choose there will be positive and negative influences.  Our ultimate goal is to teach our children to resist the negative and seek out the positive, even in the face of extreme pressure to do otherwise.  But, we definitely need to be mindful that the school we choose needs to be a “biosphere” where they befriend peers who will help our children grow.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade-  Students began a Time Management unit and are learning the importance of balancing one’s time and prioritizing one’s assignments.

Seventh Grade- Students learned the skills of active listening and its importance in communication and relationships.

Eighth Grade-  Students began to focus on skills needed for an interview.