Helping Our Children Take "Unselfies"

This past Sunday our Chesed Team went to the JADD (Jewish Association for Developmental Disabilities) home for a barbecue with 60 of their residents.  With pride I watched our students interact with the residents- even the ones who were non-communicative.  From those who oversaw the barbecue to those who made paper flowers, or played bowling or ring toss, or even served the residents- they were amazing! I am particularly proud of those who came despite having a big test the next day or even if their friend group was not going.  And, then there were the students who were there even though they did not want to be...but their parents “made them” go.  I don’t know who they are- as they all looked to me as if they were putting their all into it- but I know there were those in that category.

And, I say, “Good for them!” Why would it be good for children to be “forced” (or encouraged!)  to go to a Chesed Team event?

 I recently finished the book Unselfie- Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Dr. Michelle Borba.  Borba writes that the character trait which is the key to happy and successful children is empathy. Empathy is not an inborn trait. It can be taught.

Unfortunately, there has been a dip in empathy among children today.  Borba asserts how the “selfie” typifies the self-absorbed generation who have what she calls the “Selfie Syndrome.” “The condition is all about self-promotion, personal branding, and self-interest at the exclusion of others’ feelings, needs, and concerns. It’s permeating our culture and slowly eroding our children’s character.  Self- absorption kills empathy, the foundation of humanity, and it’s why we must get kids to switch their focus from “I, Me, Mine” to “We, Us, Our, Ours.”.  ( Rabbi Leiby Burnham in his article, “Special” shares some other key changes in this generation which has led to it being the “Me” generation. The general proliferation of social media, where people have many friends, but no real emotional connections would also explain that lack of empathy. Some other research indicates that an increase in violence on TV and videogames numbs us to the feelings of others.  Reality TV shows where people watch to see others publicly humiliated or “clawing at each other” desensitizes us to how to treat people in real life).

Borba shows how “Selfies” are all the rage  and children are constantly posting photos of themselves for others to “ooh” and “ah.” A review of recently published books indicated an increase in the word “self” or stress on much better the author is than others.    Overall, says Dr. Sara Kornath “It’s not surprising that this growing emphasis on the self is accompanied by the corresponding devaluation of others.”

Dr. Borba continues to show that there has been an increase in narcissism- people only interested in what they can do for themselves.  Peer cruelty has increased.  There has been a decline in the moral character of kids in the past two decades.  Teen stress is at a higher level than ever before in our “plugged-in, high-pressure culture… As anxiety increases empathy wanes… Today’s kids  are the most self-centered, saddest and stressed on record.” 

Rabbi Burnham asserts that Judaism does believe in the power of self, as the Mishna in Sanhedrin 4:5 does state that “One is required to say, ‘The world was created for me.’”   But, it is more about the obligation each individual has because of that power to do what is right.  One must also look at the Gemara in Kiddushin 40b :

ר' אלעזר בר' שמעון אומר לפי שהעולם נידון אחר רובו והיחיד נידון אחר רובו עשה מצוה אחת אשריו שהכריע את עצמו ואת כל העולם לכף זכות עבר עבירה אחת אוי לו שהכריע את עצמו ואת כל העולם לכף חובה שנאמר וחוטא אחד כו' בשביל חטא יחידי שעשה זה אבד ממנו ומכל העולם טובה הרבה

Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, says: Since the world is judged by its majority, i.e., depending on whether people have performed a majority of mitzvot or a majority of sins, and an individual is likewise judged by his majority, each person must consider that if he performs one mitzva he is praiseworthy, as he tilts the balance of himself and the entire world to the scale of merit. Conversely, if he transgresses one prohibition, woe to him, as he tilts the balance for himself and the entire world to the scale of liability, as it is stated: “But one sin destroys much good,” i.e., due to one sin that this individual commits, he squanders much goodness from himself and from the entire world.

It is if the world is balanced exactly between good and bad and every single act a person does can tip the scale for the entire world.  Our individual greatness is a responsibility.  This realization “builds empathy, boosts compassion, an heightens people’s sensitivity to the effect of their actions on others.”  Judaism provides us with a balanced perspective that we have great ability and potential, but we are therefore responsible to care for others.

As parents, we need to remind our children of that responsibility  and help them stretch their “empathy muscles.””...the most effective strategies are meaningful experiences that touch kids’ hearts with a caring adult close by.”

Borba spends the rest of the book suggesting different strategies we as parents can implement to raise empathetic children.  For now, I would like to focus on the chapter “Empathetic Children Practice Kindness.” In essence, when children “practice kindness” they think about the needs of others more and focus less on themselves. It becomes “we” and not “me.” In addition to growing empathy, kindness also lowers anxiety, boosts health, increases self-esteem, increases gratitude and increases happiness. Believe it or not, research indicates that kind children are also more popular.

Despite all these actual benefits to empathy and kindness, unfortunately,  research says that today’s parents prioritize “grades, trophies and test scores” over kindness.  Borba tells of a meeting at Harvard in 2014  where they were sharing results of a study which surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students.  80% of students chose high achievement or happiness as most important to them, while only 20% chose “caring for others.”  And, four out of five students said that their parents cared more about achievement than caring. Those surveyed also were three times more likely to say, “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my class than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Engaging in kind acts is an “Un-selfie stretching experience.” Children need to hear, see and practice kindness and need ample opportunities to practice kindness. That is what pushing our kids to attend events like the Chesed Team is all about. It allows our children to realize that in our families, kindness is a priority.   While we hope the students had fun, we also want them to see that we as parents value kind acts.

Towards the end of the chapter, Borba introduces the Family Reunion Test that she routinely asks parents,

Pretend it’s twenty- five years from now and you’re at a family reunion eavesdropping on your now-grown kids discussing their childhoods. How are they describing your typical behavior? And what do they remember as the ‘most important messages’ you told them as kids?

She notes that upon thinking about the “Reunion” parents worry that they have focused too much on achievement and too little on kindness and empathy. At the end of the day, instead of asking (or only asking), “What grade did you get? What did you learn today?”  We should be asking, “ What nice thing did you do for someone today?” We need t`o model kindness and reflect on kindness in conversations with our children.  Involvement in chesed not only improves the lives of those they touch but leads to their own happiness and success.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed cellphone dangers when it comes to peer interaction.

Seventh Grade: Finishing up our unit “Do Not Stand Idly By” students learned of the power of political action.  Boys also discussed foul language.

Eighth Grade:  Students spent some time this week debriefing their Holocaust play experience and writing “compliments” about their classmates which will be used to create the inscriptions in the siddurim they receive at the graduation dinner.

Mommy Mitzvah Notes

Happy Mother’s Day!  Some months ago I picked up a free Jewish magazine that arrived at my home and the moment I saw this article I knew it would be in my Mother’s Day column.  It was called, “Mommy Mitzvah Notes” by Risa Rotman.  I know these mitzvah notes will make you smile!

Dear Morah of All Mommies,

            Mommy took out the last chocolate bar after cleaning up the entire kitchen.  Just before taking a bite, little Yossi asked for some too. Mommy shared even though it was hard for her.  

To The Morah Of All Mommies,

            Mommy stayed calm when Cheryl had another temper tantrum. Mommy explained to Cheryl why she couldn’t take her to her cousin’s birthday party on the other side of the city, and when Cheryl continued to kvetch, Mommy ignored her and the tantrum finished quickly.

To The Morah Of All Mommies,

            Mommy’s friend asked why they didn’t see a different friend in the park anymore.  Mommy knew why but changed the subject so that she wouldn’t have to speak Lashon Hara.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

            Today Mommy’s neighbor got very angry at Mommy because she thought Mommy’s children had created a big mess in the common area.  Mommy knew her kids didn’t make the mess, because they had been at the shoe store with her.   But Mommy stood quietly while the neighbor shouted and didn’t interrupt. What an amazing Mommy!

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

            Mommy bought some things in the grocery store. She was rushing home in the rain when she realized the cashier had given her too much change.  Mommy ran back to the grocery store to return the money even though the rain was beginning to get stronger.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

            Mommy went to the PTA get-together where she saw many of her friends. She was enjoying chatting with them when she noticed a lady sitting by herself. After a few minutes of schmoozing with her friends, Mommy went over to sit with the lonely lady. Kol hakavod to Mommy!

To The Morah Of All Mommies,

            Mommy was waiting patiently at the supermarket when someone pushed her very full wagon in front of her claiming that she’d been there before and just went to find a missing item. Mommy looked at the angry woman, and decided it was not worth arguing, and let her go in front of Mommy.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

            Mommy was about to rush through her morning brachot when she decided to say them out loud, concentrating on their meaning, word by word.

Dear Morah Of All Mommies,

            Mommy had a very bad cold this week, yet she managed to make sure everyone had clean clothes and some kind of normal meal.  

As Risa Rotman notes,  (pun intended), “Mommies are all superwomen, but does that mean we don’t do the little things that deserve mitzvah notes? Sure we do!”   There is nothing like the feeling of knowing that the little things you do are noticed and appreciated.  Unfortunately, our children, spouses, bosses, family, or co-workers don’t often write “mitzvah notes” for us.  So, we may need to write those mitzvah notes for ourselves.  

In Advisory we speak to our 7th graders about the power of positive and negative self- talk.  One type of “Positive self- talk” is actually complimenting yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “You are amazing!”  There is a body image curriculum of which I use a piece with the 7th grade girls called “Full of Yourself.” The normal connotation is to be egotistical and self- centered. But, when I frame it with the girls we discuss

- Liking yourself is not the same as being selfish

- Respecting yourself is not the same as being stuck-up

- Standing up for yourself is not the same as being pushy.

- Taking yourself seriously does not mean that you are too intense

- Telling the truth does not mean that you're too loud or that you talk too much

- Being in touch with your heart is not the same as being too emotional.

The first two items speak to the importance of the fact that you have permission to compliment yourself and to build yourself up. We need to stop being self- critical and focus on our strengths. As Kierea Miller says in her article, “Compliment Yourself!” “It’s time to stop comparing or complaining, and start complimenting.”  As we discuss in Advisory, what we tell ourselves affects how we feel about ourselves. We need to remind ourselves each day about all the things that make us special, or about feats we have achieved!  This type of self- talk is called affirmations.  It is so easy to focus on what we are not good at. We need to focus on what makes us incredible.

            Affirmations are most powerful when you say them out loud and even look in the mirror while doing so.  “I am a wonderful mother!” “I am patient!” “I am beautiful!”  Or perhaps we should write ourselves mitzvah notes and hang them up on our fridge, so that each day when we face the day we remember when every day should truly be Mother’s Day.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on their cellphone/ iPod  and some dangers that can impact the way they treat others.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed real-life scenarios when they see injustice in their lives and what would they do?

Eighth Grade: There was no Advisory this week due to play practice.

The Stigma Of Mental Illness In The Jewish Community- What Can We Do?

This morning I joined hundreds of members of the Bergen County Jewish community at the Mental Health And Addiction Symposium sponsored by Communities Confronting Substance Abuse, (an organization spearheaded by Lianne and Etiel Forman, of which I have spoken in the past),  and Refaenu. 

The morning of workshops began with tackling the topic of stigma and mental illness in the Jewish community, as presented by Dr. Norman Blumenthal and Mrs. Lisa Twerski.  Those of us who work in this field have confronted this stigma often.  ( Ironically speaking, while the Jewish community is still working at getting to the point where people willingly go for treatment, Jews were actually instrumental in establishing the field of psychology.  Whether Freud, Adler, Erikson, Maslow, Kohlberg, Seligman some of the major theorists and creators of fields of psychology were Jewish.  And, yet, the stigma still exists). 

Dr. Blumenthal aptly stated that we need to shift our thinking regarding mental illness.  People truly believe that those who experience mental illness have “brought it on themselves.”  Likewise, mental illness is often seen as a sign of weakness or defect of character.  In essence, we need to view mental illness as no different from any other physical illness. Every illness has three components: a genetic predisposition, physiological illness, and an environmental component.  For example, someone with a cardiac condition may have a genetic predisposition as he has a history of heart conditions in his family. He has some illness- a clogged artery etc.  and of course the environmental component- too much stress at work, not enough exercise, too much fatty foods etc.  The same should go for mental illness.

Dr. Blumenthal pointed out so poignantly that in the same way that we say a mishabeirach in shul for an ill relative, and a person goes up to the bima and says, “My friend has cancer, please pray for a refuah shelaima,”  a person should also be able to go up to the gabbai and say, “My father is diagnosed with depression or my cousin has OCD, please daven for a refuah.”  Wow!  Mrs. Twerski pointed out that when someone has any other illness, the community rallies around the family with meals, carpools, and any support needed. With mental illness, the family is alone.

The stigma is so harmful that added to the stress of having an illness is the additional stress and pressure of needing to keep secrets.  This pressure does not exist with other illness.

Both Mrs. Twerski and Dr. Blumenthal mentioned that this stigma exists in all communities, but when it comes to marriage (shidduchim) it often becomes exacerbated.  Dr. Blumenthal pointed out that in essence, a person who has experienced the challenges of mental illness, and has faced difficulties and came through with resiliency may actually be better suited for marriage than someone who has not.  Who knows what difficulties life may present in the future, and the one who has overcome difficulties in the past may be the one to marry.

In his article, “Dealing With Depression” Rabbi Efrem Goldberg admits that as a young rabbi  when meeting a person with depression he too thought, “Why can’t he just snap out of it?” or “If he were to just focus on his blessings and simply choose to be positive he wouldn’t be depressed at all.”  He too was “ignorant and insensitive to what depression is all about.”

Rabbi Goldberg points out that our use of the word “depressed” is a disserve as we may use it to describe what we feel our favorite team is out of the playoffs. By using terms like this we deny that true depression is a chemical illness that can be incapacitating. (A combination of genetic, biological and environmental factors).  

Rabbi Goldberg points out that Judaism itself admits that mental illness is a true illness.  He quotes rabbinic sources for the reality of depression.

Over 800 years ago, Rabbeinu Yonah wrote: ‘Although there is a beneficial aspect to sadness in that it prevents people from becoming overly joyous over the pleasures of this world, nevertheless, one should not pursue the state of sadness, since it is a physical disease. When a person is despondent, he is not able to serve his Creator properly.’  The Talmud (Shabbos 30b) tells us about an evil spirit that is so dangerous it can be lethal and therefore, one can extinguish a candle on Shabbos to calm it. The Rambam (commentary on the Mishnah) explains, ‘The Evil Spirit is referring to melancholy. There is a type of melancholy that will cause the ill person to lose his mind when he sees light or when he is amongst other people. He finds peace only in darkness, in solitude, and in desolate places.’”  There has also been some suggestions for mental illness found in Tanach. (For example, King Shaul having a “ruach raah” -  is that depression, anxiety?).

Judaism has never denied the existence of mental illness. Yet, the stigma still exists.

In a groundbreaking article in a 2001 Jewish Action  Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot spoke of his own struggles with depression “Dimensions of Torment: A Young Man’s Story of Surviving Depression.”  In this article, he described his ordeal in great detail, which in of itself was a service to those suffering who could then see, “It is not just me!”  He too reiterated the fact that mental illness is an illness. “It is no more possible for the depressive to emerge from his depression than for the cancer patient to will away his tumor or the diabetic to magically lift his own insulin level by wishing it upwards.”

Rabbi Helfgot wonders that the next time we read of someone in the Jewish community succumbing to the mental illness we should wonder,

...could these people have been helped before they reached the point of no return? Would they have felt less shame turning to someone if the community had created a culture where mental illness was not “someone’s fault” or reflective of a personal flaw, but a disease to be treated and discussed in the same way and with the same empathy that one speaks of kidney disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure?

...Too many of us still speak in whispers about mental illness. The stigma persists. This is troubling because mental illness is a condition that is experienced by many of our own flesh and blood. About 20 million Americans currently suffer from some form of clinical depression and close to one in eight Americans will experience some form of “major depressive episode” at least once in their lifetimes[v]. These statistics mean that either we, a member of our family or a friend or colleague will experience some form of serious depression sometime in our lives. It is a phenomenon that touches us all. Moreover, the stigma of mental illness is troubling because, God forbid, it perpetuates a climate where people who can be eased of their suffering are reticent to seek out the help and support they desperately need, lest they or their families be misunderstood, stigmatized, or treated as less than “normal” (read: the pernicious and debilitating concern, if not terror, that grips many in relation to shidduchim). In the worst cases, it may even lead to fatalities where untreated illnesses lead desperate people to take their own lives when all hope is lost and the pain can no longer be borne.

Why has the stigma persisted about mental illness while we have come so far with other illnesses? As Dr. Blumenthal asserted,  for some reason, perhaps stemming from Freudian psychology, there is a blaming component of mental illness-  particularly blaming the parents.  Today there is more evidence-based treatment and less blame.  And the person suffering from mental illness cannot be blamed for it. Just like someone who suffers from cancer cannot be blamed.

What can we do as a community to move ahead?  

Dr. Blumenthal stressed, first, as parents and educators, we can target the nature of education we give the children. We are often neglectful with familiarizing students with emotional vulnerability and the value of setbacks.  We are human.  The avot and biblical characters had emotions. We can have setbacks and emotional vulnerability.  It is okay to be sad and feel like you are on the brink.  We do need to teach our children about mental illness, just like we speak to them about other illnesses.  And, when someone we know is suffering from mental illness, explain to our children when it means to be depressed, anxious etc.

Rabbi Goldberg provided some areas where we need to be better educated. I am simply going to quote him because I could not have said it better myself:

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, a perfect time to educate ourselves. As we resolve to be more sensitive, please consider the following:

·    Don’t use the term “depressed” unless it is clinically appropriate. Find another way to say you are sad, bummed out, disappointed or feeling blue. Saying you are depressed over a relatively minor issue minimizes the suffering of someone struggling with true depression.

·    When someone you know is acting differently or unusual, don’t judge them or jump to assumptions about them. Ethics of the Fathers (2:4) quotes Hillel who said: “Do not judge another until you have stood in his place.” Since it is impossible to stand in another person’s place, to be them, to have their baggage or to live their struggles, we can never judge another. Instead, we should be kind, sensitive, supportive and understanding of everyone around us.

·    Never assume you know everything going on in someone’s life or what motivates his or her behavior. Ian Maclaren, the 19th-century Scottish author once said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”  Cut others slack; give people the benefit of the doubt.

·    When you know a friend or family member has depression or other mental illness such as bi-polar, anxiety disorder, etc., be as supportive as you would be with someone suffering with a physical illness or disability. Offer help and assistance, check in, and let them know you are just thinking of them. Unlike acute illnesses, most of the time, depression is chronic. Once diagnosed, it can be controlled, lessened, or perhaps, even go into “remission.” But it is never cured. Support will be needed in some form always.

·    When reaching out to someone with depression, never judge, criticize or make comparisons. Don’t offer advice or minimize the person’s suffering. Simply listen, be present, and be a friend.

·    When someone has depression it places a tremendous burden on other members of the family who often need to take over chores, responsibilities and even produce greater income. Go out of your way to be inclusive of them, to check in on them and seek to unburden them.

Mental illness affects all of us.  Rabbi Larry Rothwachs, a prominent supporter for the needs of those facing mental illness,said in an article Mental Illness, Stigma, and the Jewish Community: Achieving Lasting Change” just this past week:

Do you or someone you know suffer from mental illness? If you answered yes, you are correct.  If you answered no, guess again. Tens of millions of Americans suffer from a mental disorder and, just as with cancer or diabetes, the Orthodox Jewish community carries no immunity.  Studies show that the incidence of mental illness within our community mirrors that of the general population. While the management and treatment of mental illness varies from person to person and depends upon the nature and intensity of the disorder, we are all directly connected to individuals with mental illness, whether we realize it or not.

And, as Rabbi Helfgot shared in 2001: (again, I couldn’t have said it better myself)

“It is long past time for us all to break the silence and speak openly about mental illness, not just at conferences of Orthodox mental health professionals, but in the public forums of our schools and yeshivot, our conventions and fora, and in the pages of our newspapers and publications. In much of our frum world, despite the fact that significant progress has been made, the vestiges of these stigmas linger on. It is time for this last stigma to fall and fall quickly in the spirit of menshlichkeit, rachmanut, and the recognition that we are all created b’tzelem Elokim.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on social exclusion and peer harassment.  They learned the L.E.A.D.E.R.S. strategies for the bystander.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the “bystander effect” and why people tend to do nothing when they witness injustice.

Eighth Grade: As our 8th graders are getting closer to their Holocaust production and commemorated Yom HaShoah, they viewed the movie “The Wave” and spoke about the lesson for our own lives.