Helping Our Children Take "Unselfies"

This past Sunday our Chesed Team went to the JADD (Jewish Association for Developmental Disabilities) home for a barbecue with 60 of their residents.  With pride I watched our students interact with the residents- even the ones who were non-communicative.  From those who oversaw the barbecue to those who made paper flowers, or played bowling or ring toss, or even served the residents- they were amazing! I am particularly proud of those who came despite having a big test the next day or even if their friend group was not going.  And, then there were the students who were there even though they did not want to be...but their parents “made them” go.  I don’t know who they are- as they all looked to me as if they were putting their all into it- but I know there were those in that category.

And, I say, “Good for them!” Why would it be good for children to be “forced” (or encouraged!)  to go to a Chesed Team event?

 I recently finished the book Unselfie- Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Dr. Michelle Borba.  Borba writes that the character trait which is the key to happy and successful children is empathy. Empathy is not an inborn trait. It can be taught.

Unfortunately, there has been a dip in empathy among children today.  Borba asserts how the “selfie” typifies the self-absorbed generation who have what she calls the “Selfie Syndrome.” “The condition is all about self-promotion, personal branding, and self-interest at the exclusion of others’ feelings, needs, and concerns. It’s permeating our culture and slowly eroding our children’s character.  Self- absorption kills empathy, the foundation of humanity, and it’s why we must get kids to switch their focus from “I, Me, Mine” to “We, Us, Our, Ours.”.  ( Rabbi Leiby Burnham in his article, “Special” shares some other key changes in this generation which has led to it being the “Me” generation. The general proliferation of social media, where people have many friends, but no real emotional connections would also explain that lack of empathy. Some other research indicates that an increase in violence on TV and videogames numbs us to the feelings of others.  Reality TV shows where people watch to see others publicly humiliated or “clawing at each other” desensitizes us to how to treat people in real life).

Borba shows how “Selfies” are all the rage  and children are constantly posting photos of themselves for others to “ooh” and “ah.” A review of recently published books indicated an increase in the word “self” or stress on much better the author is than others.    Overall, says Dr. Sara Kornath “It’s not surprising that this growing emphasis on the self is accompanied by the corresponding devaluation of others.”

Dr. Borba continues to show that there has been an increase in narcissism- people only interested in what they can do for themselves.  Peer cruelty has increased.  There has been a decline in the moral character of kids in the past two decades.  Teen stress is at a higher level than ever before in our “plugged-in, high-pressure culture… As anxiety increases empathy wanes… Today’s kids  are the most self-centered, saddest and stressed on record.” 

Rabbi Burnham asserts that Judaism does believe in the power of self, as the Mishna in Sanhedrin 4:5 does state that “One is required to say, ‘The world was created for me.’”   But, it is more about the obligation each individual has because of that power to do what is right.  One must also look at the Gemara in Kiddushin 40b :

ר' אלעזר בר' שמעון אומר לפי שהעולם נידון אחר רובו והיחיד נידון אחר רובו עשה מצוה אחת אשריו שהכריע את עצמו ואת כל העולם לכף זכות עבר עבירה אחת אוי לו שהכריע את עצמו ואת כל העולם לכף חובה שנאמר וחוטא אחד כו' בשביל חטא יחידי שעשה זה אבד ממנו ומכל העולם טובה הרבה

Rabbi Elazar, son of Rabbi Shimon, says: Since the world is judged by its majority, i.e., depending on whether people have performed a majority of mitzvot or a majority of sins, and an individual is likewise judged by his majority, each person must consider that if he performs one mitzva he is praiseworthy, as he tilts the balance of himself and the entire world to the scale of merit. Conversely, if he transgresses one prohibition, woe to him, as he tilts the balance for himself and the entire world to the scale of liability, as it is stated: “But one sin destroys much good,” i.e., due to one sin that this individual commits, he squanders much goodness from himself and from the entire world.

It is if the world is balanced exactly between good and bad and every single act a person does can tip the scale for the entire world.  Our individual greatness is a responsibility.  This realization “builds empathy, boosts compassion, an heightens people’s sensitivity to the effect of their actions on others.”  Judaism provides us with a balanced perspective that we have great ability and potential, but we are therefore responsible to care for others.

As parents, we need to remind our children of that responsibility  and help them stretch their “empathy muscles.””...the most effective strategies are meaningful experiences that touch kids’ hearts with a caring adult close by.”

Borba spends the rest of the book suggesting different strategies we as parents can implement to raise empathetic children.  For now, I would like to focus on the chapter “Empathetic Children Practice Kindness.” In essence, when children “practice kindness” they think about the needs of others more and focus less on themselves. It becomes “we” and not “me.” In addition to growing empathy, kindness also lowers anxiety, boosts health, increases self-esteem, increases gratitude and increases happiness. Believe it or not, research indicates that kind children are also more popular.

Despite all these actual benefits to empathy and kindness, unfortunately,  research says that today’s parents prioritize “grades, trophies and test scores” over kindness.  Borba tells of a meeting at Harvard in 2014  where they were sharing results of a study which surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students.  80% of students chose high achievement or happiness as most important to them, while only 20% chose “caring for others.”  And, four out of five students said that their parents cared more about achievement than caring. Those surveyed also were three times more likely to say, “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my class than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Engaging in kind acts is an “Un-selfie stretching experience.” Children need to hear, see and practice kindness and need ample opportunities to practice kindness. That is what pushing our kids to attend events like the Chesed Team is all about. It allows our children to realize that in our families, kindness is a priority.   While we hope the students had fun, we also want them to see that we as parents value kind acts.

Towards the end of the chapter, Borba introduces the Family Reunion Test that she routinely asks parents,

Pretend it’s twenty- five years from now and you’re at a family reunion eavesdropping on your now-grown kids discussing their childhoods. How are they describing your typical behavior? And what do they remember as the ‘most important messages’ you told them as kids?

She notes that upon thinking about the “Reunion” parents worry that they have focused too much on achievement and too little on kindness and empathy. At the end of the day, instead of asking (or only asking), “What grade did you get? What did you learn today?”  We should be asking, “ What nice thing did you do for someone today?” We need t`o model kindness and reflect on kindness in conversations with our children.  Involvement in chesed not only improves the lives of those they touch but leads to their own happiness and success.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed cellphone dangers when it comes to peer interaction.

Seventh Grade: Finishing up our unit “Do Not Stand Idly By” students learned of the power of political action.  Boys also discussed foul language.

Eighth Grade:  Students spent some time this week debriefing their Holocaust play experience and writing “compliments” about their classmates which will be used to create the inscriptions in the siddurim they receive at the graduation dinner.