Champion Of The Old-Fashioned Planner

Thirteen years ago, when I came to Yavneh, Advisory class was born.  We immediately identified time management as a unit that the students needed to ensure their success in school and in life.   I met with a woman from a company called Golden Guide and we designed a planner for the Yavneh student. We were proud of the product.  It contained room for every subject our students have and facilitated short-term and long-term planning.  Our middle school students soon grew to expect each year in August that they would receive their Yavneh planner the first day of school.

As the years progressed, parent locker came into our lives.   All the homework was posted. Students said “Why do we need to write down our homework? I just need to look on parent locker.” And, so, we explained, that they need to write down their homework anyway so that when they pack up at the end of the day, they know what they need to bring home.  Second, our goal was to train them for life.  When they have a job one day, their boss is not going to e-mail them a list of projects they need to work on.  They need to learn how to write down what they have to do themselves.  We, therefore, kept the planner lessons in Advisory. We stressed that parent locker was just that- for parents.  

Then came the iPads. Each child was given an iPad.  The old-fashioned planner was obsolete. And, yet, the two arguments above still rang true. We then taught the students how to use an app called MyHomework, which was sort of an on-line planner.  But, before we knew it, MyHomework was obsolete as well. Google classroom became the rage, and our teachers soon were all using it in class. Last year we began training the students on how to effectively use their google calendar to plan, prioritize and keep track of their work and after-school activities. We are in the process of doing the same with our sixth graders this year in Advisory.

Even I, a creature of habit, (or a prehistoric being), gave up my paper and pencil planner and moved towards google calendar.  With all the invites, and repeating events, it had its draw.   But, this year, I went to the store, and once again bought my paper and pencil planner to supplement my on-line calendar.  Why? And, are there any benefits for our children to still have an old-fashioned planner?

Michael Grothhaus, in his article, “What Happens When I Ditched My Smartphone For A Paper Planner” shared that a planner forces a person to slow down and write more mindfully, and plan with more intent.  

One thing that people maintain as the benefit of using an app instead of a planner are the notifications.  Interestingly enough, people often say that after using a paper planner for some time, notifications may not be necessary.  It is as if your memory begins to improve. When getting notifications, your memory need not work that hard and “goes to sleep.” There are those who even say that they can visualize where they wrote certain items in their planner- as we know that the physical act of writing does imprint more deeply than the act of adding something to your google calendar. The actual act of writing stimulates areas of the brain which is involved in clarifying information more. We know that there is a plethora of research which indicates that note-taking with pen and paper commits what one writes more to memory and allows for more processing of the information. (Of course, there are pluses of note-taking on a device as well).  

Then there is the distractibility of the technology use. You’re just checking google classroom and before you know it, you are buying those new boots you were thinking about or watching that youtube video your friend shared with you.  The planner has no such distractions. In general, we have so much screen time nowadays that it is never a bad idea to cut down on screen time. 

Even if students do not buy the old-fashioned notion of a planner, a calendar in a child’s iPad cannot take the place of a hard copy calendar hanging on a child’s wall (or a to-do list), which is staring in his/her face as he/she does homework. We do teach our students in Advisory how to prioritize using google calendar, but there is nothing like physically making a list in order of importance,  and crossing off items as they are completed.

One more item for us Shomrei Shabbat.  I have started printing out evites for Shabbat affairs and hanging them on my bulletin board, as who can remember what is on that google calendar?  

One last shout out to our sixth-grade parents.  I really do believe that whether in a planner, or in their notebooks, it is a good idea for students to write down their homework as the teachers assign it in the moment.  Aside from the arguments above, it helps our students feel more in control and on top of their work, rather than waiting for the parent locker e-mail to arrive.  Especially our children who are organizationally challenged, I believe this is a good step towards learning how to organize themselves, and not simply waiting for their parents to organize them.  Every year there are a few students, (who must have “old souls”), who ask me “Are we getting planners this year?” Rather than view them as “old souls” I view them as kindred spirits who are on the path to taking charge of their time management. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Tuesday’s groups discussed a plan for success in middle school. Thursday’s groups completed their Time Management Unit.

Seventh Grade:  Students finished a unit on communication skills, focusing on I statements and how to avoid behaviors that impede good communication.

Eighth Grade:  Students focused on the application to high school and what to look for, and how to act on a Student Visit Day to a high school.

I Think I Can...I Think I Can...I Can!

Why are there times that as parents we cannot get our children to follow our advice and perhaps change their way of doing things? No matter how many times we show them how to clean their room or make those flashcards, they hardly ever say, “You’re right, Mom,”  and follow suit.  This is not a new phenomenon, but an age-old biblical dilemma. 

 Did you ever wonder why after 120 years of building an ark in public no one followed Noach and his family to repent and save themselves?  Not even one said, “You’re right, Noach,” and followed suit?  Rabbi Yaakov Neuberger quoted one of his congregants who presented a possible explanation. As Noach was preaching and trying to get the people of his time to repent, he was still building that ark. He did not truly believe in the people  and in their ability to repent.  All the while he was encouraging them to change and be better,  by still building that ark he was expressing that he thought the coming of the flood was inevitable.  They knew that Noach did not believe in them.  And, they, consequently, did not believe in themselves, and were unable to change.

In essence, belief in oneself to achieve a goal,  termed self- efficacy, is imperative for success in any field.  When a child does not believe in himself there is a sort of self- fulfilling prophecy where his  beliefs about what he  can accomplish can actually influence his behaviors in a way that make those beliefs come true.  As we discuss in our 7th grade Advisory unit on coping with adversity,  Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t...you're right.”    If a child does not believe he can do it, chances are he will not be able to, and vice versa.

As the adults in our children’s lives we have a tremendous impact on that self- fulfilling prophecy.  If we believe they can do it, it helps them believe it too.  There is psychological phenomenon that has been studied called the golem effect where when people have lower expectations placed upon them they perform at a lower level. These effects can be seen in the classroom setting where teachers often have expectations that some children will achieve while others will not. In one study, where tutors were told that a child was either bright or not, those who believed the child was bright, “smiled more, had more direct eye gaze, leaned forward more, and nodded their heads up and down more…” The flip side of the golem effect is the Pygmalian effect, where higher expectations lead to an increase in performance. Both of these effects are forms of self- fulfilling prophecy.

 Cathy Domoney speaks about the language she uses with her own children when it comes to believing in them so that they believe in themselves.

 When my daughter was having trouble with mathematics, she believed she couldn’t do it. Her lack of confidence was blocking her from understanding, she shut down before she even began. I explained that in her head there were little doors and when she said “can’t,” the little doors shut and stopped her from learning. When she said, “I can and the answer is coming,” the doors would open. When she would speak negatively I would say, “Is that opening or closing those doors?” She would pause and consider it, roll her eyes at me and would become more mindful of her thoughts.

This was not a quick-fix. As you know yourself, when a negative thought takes hold it can be persistent, but it can be changed. We kept telling her how much better she was getting at math, regardless of the results. We told her how proud we were of her because she kept going. In time, her confidence increased, her belief in herself grew strong and she now approaches maths with a certainty that if she perseveres, she will get there. By us telling her how much she was improving, and saying that the teacher was saying the same things (which was not completely accurate), she began to believe that she could do it. I would also verbally remember how much I used to struggle in maths as a kid and I would announce how relieved I was that she took after her father with math! I planted a seed of belief that she inherited her Dad’s excellent math gene. I arranged math practice for her at home which was several levels lower than her ability (though she was unaware of this) in order to build-up her confidence. Even now, years later, I overhear her telling people that she takes after her Dad’s excellence in math. I just smile.

Domoney’s child believed that others believed in her. In turn, that self- fulfilling prophecy changed. It was now saying,  “I think I can do this…” and, so she did.  She believed in herself and the positive prophecy came true. That is the power of self -fulfilling prophecy and self- efficacy.

But, there are times that are children are actually not so good at something.  How can I express to them that I believe they can do it when I am not sure they can?  It simply speaks to changing the language we use when we critique them when they do seem to be struggling with a skill. As Adina Socolof says in her article, “The Self Fulfilling Prophecy of Labelling Your Kids”  that when we tell our children, “You are…(lazy, impatient, not good at math” they never seem to be able to shirk the label we have placed upon them. If my parents think that of me I must be. I might as well become that and not even try. “Oh no! You lost your keys! You will figure out how to be responsible for your keys. You will find a safe place to put them so that this does not happen again.”

This flips the negative statement into a more positive one. A child can then infer, “Oh, being responsible means finding a safe place for my keys. My mother thinks I can do this.”

Rebbetzin Chana Heller brings a poignant  example:

Parents are like a mirror, reflecting back their children's self-image. What your children see is what you'll get.

What do you really think about your child?

Usually, what we think about our children will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A klutz will be a klutz. A troublemaker will make trouble. I remember a woman telling me how she was having difficulties in math when she was in elementary school. Her mother said to her, "No one in our family is good in math. I wasn't good at math, your father wasn't good at math, your sister isn't good in math. No wonder you're having a hard time. I'm sure you'll be good at something else." How much of a chance did she stand to do well in math?

Rather, say something like,  “I know this math doesn’t come easy, but you are such a hard worker and so great at taking notes that you can do it.”

Our children sense everything we think about them. We reflect back to them who we think they are, and they take it in as the absolute truth. They will only say “I think I can. I think I can,” if we think they can.

It is primary to let our children know how much we enjoy them and how much pleasure they give us.  That is what we should generally be projecting when we are with them.

If only Noach had said to them, “You can do it. I know you can.  It will be hard, but you have it in you,” perhaps they would have changed.  Instead, when the people looked at Noach they saw a reflection of themselves as those who never listen and are too far gone to repent.  If only Noach had believed in them, they would have believed in themselves.

As Rabbi Neuburger ended, each morning when we awake and say Modeh Ani, we end with the words, “Rabba emunatecha” - great is Your faith.  Great is G-d’s faith? We are the ones who should have the faith. But, no. Each day we are able to wake and face the day with hope and optimism because we know G-d has faith in us- His children.  So, too we, as parents, need to have faith in our children and help them see that we believe in them, so they can face the day with optimism and belief in themselves.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Our Tuesday class had their first session this week, and had the opportunity to meet their Advisors and learn what Advisory is all about.  Our Thursday class began a unit on Time Management and discussed how essential time management is to success in school.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the importance of communication and began learning some essential communication skills.

Eighth Grade: Students learned about the CAT and the BJE exams and discussed some test taking strategies.

  

The Impact Of Teenage Indiscretions

After hearing that  Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the Supreme Court this Saturday, I contemplated what we as parents can learn from these weeks of media frenzy. As someone who works with teens,  whether Kavanaugh did or did not do what Christine Blasey Ford said he did,  I immediately thought about how Kavanaugh was a teenager, just like our children, 35 years ago. What he may have done as a teenager was following him today.  

As I have gotten to know the “tweens” and “teens” intimately over the years,  I often consider how much they have to grow, mature, change and become who they are meant to be.  When I bump into graduates, who now have families of their own, I am often proud to see how the little boy who couldn’t stop talking in class is a beloved teacher in a local school.  Or when I receive a hug from the young girl who was the center of numerous friendship “dramas,” and is now a well- respected member of her community, especially known for her warmth with others- I glow with pride.   After being in this business for 22 years, when I look into the eyes of a child struggling behaviorally, academically, socially, or emotionally, I can imagine the great heights to which he can soar.  I wonder, 35 years from now, are our still developing teens to be held accountable for what they did or who they were when they were teenagers?  We often speak of the under-developed frontal lobe of the brain of the teenager, and that they often do not have full control of their impulses.  

As we just left the season of Teshuva, we know that we believe in the person’s ability to change.  In fact, The Gemara in Bava Metzia 58b warns us of not reminding a truly repentant person of his past, אם היה בעל תשובה לא יאמר לו זכור מעשיך הראשונים

“If one is a penitent, another may not say to him: Remember your earlier deeds.”  And, the Rambam says in Hilchot Teshuva 2:4, one path to Teshuva is ומשנה שמו כלומר אני אחר ואיני אותו האיש   to change his name, as if to say "I am a different person and not the same one who sinned."   It is as if the Baal Teshuva, who regrets and changes, is actually a different person. Why should we penalize someone for his past- especially when he was a teen?

On the other hand, I also consider that what teens do to others can impact those peers forever.  I have seen that impact first hand time and time again. Socially isolating another child in the teenage years can have a life-long impact on that child, his self-esteem, his future relationships, and his future success in life. Conversely, a kind, supportive friendship in the teenage years, can truly be life-changing,  and can contribute to the confidence of the future adult.  While I spend time writing lesson plans to facilitate teens gaining life skills in the middle school years, I do believe that  life habits, behaviors, and even character traits developed during the teenage years can be lifelong.  What they do as teens does impact others, and impacts on their own personality development for a lifetime.

 We do constantly remind our students that it is no excuse to say “I’m only a kid.” Especially in today’s world of social media, our teens need to understand that what they do makes  an impact and lasts forever.   A youthful mistake can follow you.  What you say and do now can live on many years later.  An inappropriate facebook post or a mean “prank” in sleepaway camp, can impact high school and college admissions, and even a future job acceptance.  And, even a suspicion of doing the wrong thing- even if it did not happen, can impact on one’s future. This speaks volumes about the importance of hanging out with the “right crowd, ” and not finding oneself at the “wrong parties” or in at-risk situations. Simply being with those who are doing the wrong thing can impact on one’s reputation.  All it takes is one allegation.

As parents, the Kavanaugh hearing is a teachable moment for us to remind our children that youthful indiscretions will come back to haunt you. Wrong is wrong, no matter what age you are.  And, a stupid choice in the past cannot be undone. We also need to remind them not to put themselves in at-risk positions where there is potential for them to be accused.

These hearings provided another teachable moment to parents. Dr. Tani Foger, in her article “An Embarrassing And Cringeworthy But Teachable Moment,” shares that this event was a “golden opportunity” for parents as it presented us with an opening to talk to our students about teenage drinking, resisting peer pressure and appropriate boy- girl interactions.   These are all topics we speak about in black and white in our 7th and 8th grade Advisory and Adolescent Life Classes. Here are some areas Dr. Foger mentions to highlight with our teens, while using the Kavanaugh hearings as a springboard for discussion

Talk about the perils of seemingly harmless behavior that can get out of control.

Discuss the dangers of binge drinking

No always means no! No NEVER means “maybe” or “yes.”

Don’t get caught up the mob mentality. Just because a group of kids are acting a certain way, don’t join if you think that you will be ashamed or will regret your   behavior the next day.

Be aware of the private jokes and comments that you share in a yearbook or on Facebook, Instagram or other social media are a permanent record, and can come back to haunt you many years from now.  

Teens should be reminded not to go off with anyone who appears to be drinking or drunk.  

Girls need to be  better prepared for what they may encounter, even as early as middle school.

In essence, we are all accountable for our actions, (as you recall that book “on high” we had discussed in a previous column), while at the same time, we do believe in the ability to change.  Let us take the opportunity to discuss these issues with our children.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students discussed plans for how they may succeed in sixth grade and identified their own learning styles and how to apply them.

Seventh Grade:  Students began their unit to prepare for their Frost Valley Leadership Retreat on working in a team and communication skills.  

Eighth grade:  Goal setting for the year, utilizing S.M.A.R.T. goals and the grit needed to succeed were highlighted.