I Think I Can...I Think I Can...I Can!

Why are there times that as parents we cannot get our children to follow our advice and perhaps change their way of doing things? No matter how many times we show them how to clean their room or make those flashcards, they hardly ever say, “You’re right, Mom,”  and follow suit.  This is not a new phenomenon, but an age-old biblical dilemma. 

 Did you ever wonder why after 120 years of building an ark in public no one followed Noach and his family to repent and save themselves?  Not even one said, “You’re right, Noach,” and followed suit?  Rabbi Yaakov Neuberger quoted one of his congregants who presented a possible explanation. As Noach was preaching and trying to get the people of his time to repent, he was still building that ark. He did not truly believe in the people  and in their ability to repent.  All the while he was encouraging them to change and be better,  by still building that ark he was expressing that he thought the coming of the flood was inevitable.  They knew that Noach did not believe in them.  And, they, consequently, did not believe in themselves, and were unable to change.

In essence, belief in oneself to achieve a goal,  termed self- efficacy, is imperative for success in any field.  When a child does not believe in himself there is a sort of self- fulfilling prophecy where his  beliefs about what he  can accomplish can actually influence his behaviors in a way that make those beliefs come true.  As we discuss in our 7th grade Advisory unit on coping with adversity,  Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t...you're right.”    If a child does not believe he can do it, chances are he will not be able to, and vice versa.

As the adults in our children’s lives we have a tremendous impact on that self- fulfilling prophecy.  If we believe they can do it, it helps them believe it too.  There is psychological phenomenon that has been studied called the golem effect where when people have lower expectations placed upon them they perform at a lower level. These effects can be seen in the classroom setting where teachers often have expectations that some children will achieve while others will not. In one study, where tutors were told that a child was either bright or not, those who believed the child was bright, “smiled more, had more direct eye gaze, leaned forward more, and nodded their heads up and down more…” The flip side of the golem effect is the Pygmalian effect, where higher expectations lead to an increase in performance. Both of these effects are forms of self- fulfilling prophecy.

 Cathy Domoney speaks about the language she uses with her own children when it comes to believing in them so that they believe in themselves.

 When my daughter was having trouble with mathematics, she believed she couldn’t do it. Her lack of confidence was blocking her from understanding, she shut down before she even began. I explained that in her head there were little doors and when she said “can’t,” the little doors shut and stopped her from learning. When she said, “I can and the answer is coming,” the doors would open. When she would speak negatively I would say, “Is that opening or closing those doors?” She would pause and consider it, roll her eyes at me and would become more mindful of her thoughts.

This was not a quick-fix. As you know yourself, when a negative thought takes hold it can be persistent, but it can be changed. We kept telling her how much better she was getting at math, regardless of the results. We told her how proud we were of her because she kept going. In time, her confidence increased, her belief in herself grew strong and she now approaches maths with a certainty that if she perseveres, she will get there. By us telling her how much she was improving, and saying that the teacher was saying the same things (which was not completely accurate), she began to believe that she could do it. I would also verbally remember how much I used to struggle in maths as a kid and I would announce how relieved I was that she took after her father with math! I planted a seed of belief that she inherited her Dad’s excellent math gene. I arranged math practice for her at home which was several levels lower than her ability (though she was unaware of this) in order to build-up her confidence. Even now, years later, I overhear her telling people that she takes after her Dad’s excellence in math. I just smile.

Domoney’s child believed that others believed in her. In turn, that self- fulfilling prophecy changed. It was now saying,  “I think I can do this…” and, so she did.  She believed in herself and the positive prophecy came true. That is the power of self -fulfilling prophecy and self- efficacy.

But, there are times that are children are actually not so good at something.  How can I express to them that I believe they can do it when I am not sure they can?  It simply speaks to changing the language we use when we critique them when they do seem to be struggling with a skill. As Adina Socolof says in her article, “The Self Fulfilling Prophecy of Labelling Your Kids”  that when we tell our children, “You are…(lazy, impatient, not good at math” they never seem to be able to shirk the label we have placed upon them. If my parents think that of me I must be. I might as well become that and not even try. “Oh no! You lost your keys! You will figure out how to be responsible for your keys. You will find a safe place to put them so that this does not happen again.”

This flips the negative statement into a more positive one. A child can then infer, “Oh, being responsible means finding a safe place for my keys. My mother thinks I can do this.”

Rebbetzin Chana Heller brings a poignant  example:

Parents are like a mirror, reflecting back their children's self-image. What your children see is what you'll get.

What do you really think about your child?

Usually, what we think about our children will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A klutz will be a klutz. A troublemaker will make trouble. I remember a woman telling me how she was having difficulties in math when she was in elementary school. Her mother said to her, "No one in our family is good in math. I wasn't good at math, your father wasn't good at math, your sister isn't good in math. No wonder you're having a hard time. I'm sure you'll be good at something else." How much of a chance did she stand to do well in math?

Rather, say something like,  “I know this math doesn’t come easy, but you are such a hard worker and so great at taking notes that you can do it.”

Our children sense everything we think about them. We reflect back to them who we think they are, and they take it in as the absolute truth. They will only say “I think I can. I think I can,” if we think they can.

It is primary to let our children know how much we enjoy them and how much pleasure they give us.  That is what we should generally be projecting when we are with them.

If only Noach had said to them, “You can do it. I know you can.  It will be hard, but you have it in you,” perhaps they would have changed.  Instead, when the people looked at Noach they saw a reflection of themselves as those who never listen and are too far gone to repent.  If only Noach had believed in them, they would have believed in themselves.

As Rabbi Neuburger ended, each morning when we awake and say Modeh Ani, we end with the words, “Rabba emunatecha” - great is Your faith.  Great is G-d’s faith? We are the ones who should have the faith. But, no. Each day we are able to wake and face the day with hope and optimism because we know G-d has faith in us- His children.  So, too we, as parents, need to have faith in our children and help them see that we believe in them, so they can face the day with optimism and belief in themselves.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Our Tuesday class had their first session this week, and had the opportunity to meet their Advisors and learn what Advisory is all about.  Our Thursday class began a unit on Time Management and discussed how essential time management is to success in school.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the importance of communication and began learning some essential communication skills.

Eighth Grade: Students learned about the CAT and the BJE exams and discussed some test taking strategies.