Second Chances

 

Chag Sameach. Tonight is Pesach Sheini!  While it not a holiday we typically celebrate, (although Ms. Terry always gives out some matzah!), I believe that Pesach Sheini holds a significant message for us as parents.  

Pesach Sheini is the 14th day of Iyar when those who were either impure due to contact with a dead body or lived too far away from the Beit HaMikdash to make it in time to bring the Korban Pesach were given another opportunity to bring the korban. In essence Hashem told them that although they missed the Korban Pesach He would give them a second Pesach- a second chance!  Symbolically speaking, no matter how far the Jews are from Hashem, both in their spirituality (i.e. being impure) and in their actual physical location, Hashem will give them another chance. 

In essence, the same concept holds true with Teshuva- repentance. No matter what we have done, or what terrible sin we have committed, if we do true, sincere teshuva, Hashem will give us a second chance.  And, while teshuva is most focused upon during the time of the yamim noraim, we can do teshuva every day of our lives. 

Hashem, Avinu Malkeinu, models for us a prime example of “Second- chance parenting.”   I recently found this quote online. I do not know who said it, but it says it all:

And, when you think about it, we, the Jewish people, behaved pretty poorly throughout different times in history. And, yet, Hashem always gave us another chance and believed in us. 

As parents, no matter how our children behaved one day, no matter what grade they got on their tests, or no matter how rude they were at the dinner table, we relay to them the message, “No matter what you do, you will ALWAYS get a second chance.”  I will never write you off as impossible or incorrigible.  The secure feeling that a child gets from that message ensures that he will share his worries and trouble with you before things get out of hand. Children who are worried that their parents have given up on them give up on their relationship with their parents.  “You may have skipped your homework five times in a row.  While I need to possibly implement some consequences, and sit with you every night to make sure you are doing your work, you can always redeem yourself.  I believe in you.”  

Another practical way we can give our children a second chance after they have done something wrong is by asking them the question, “What could you have done differently?” as Alyssa Miller says in her article “How a Second Chance Question Can Make Us Better Moms.”   Miller describes how this phrase, which allows the children to redo the scenario again with a better outcome, literally has changed her life.  Previously, she describes, when seeing her children fighting over the scooter, for example, she would have done something like this: 

1. Calm them down. 2. Ask what happened. 3. Ask them to stop talking at the same time. 4. Calm them down, again. 5. Ask one kid what happened. 6. Listen while kid #2 hops around desperate to tell their side of the story. 7. Decide who should have the scooter. 8. Listen to protests. 9. Send them back out to play, operating on a very weak truce. 

 

Now, she explains, she simply says, “I see you are upset with one another. What could you have done differently.”  She then hears them say what she would have said in a lecture.  And, then says, “Great answer! You know how to handle the situation. Now get going!”  “Honestly? It’s like magic. Even my 4 year old knows where he’s gone wrong, and how he could do things differently. And since the question is entirely self focused, my children spend their brainpower fixing what is actually in their power to fix, instead of blaming or trying to control one another. I know it almost sounds “too simple” to work, but trust me and try it. It’s kind of awesome.”   We give them a “do over” and we tell them that we believe in their ability to choose the right path after thinking it through again. 

 

But, not only should our children get second chances. Parents get second chances too!  I love the way Miller shares how she gives herself as a parent second chances. 

“I am a wreck. It’s the end of the day and the kids are finally in bed. I was grumpy, impatient, grumpy, annoyed, grumpy, tired, grumpy, frustrated and…grumpy.

Closing the doors to their rooms after kissing them goodnight was akin to dragging myself across the finish line of a 100 mile ultra marathon. Except harder.

I could have lamented about how miserable I was at being a mom. I could have listed all the things I did wrong. I could have berated myself for not living up to my ideals.

Instead? I asked myself a simple question, “What could I have done differently?”

After I’ve sufficiently answered, I continue the conversation with myself, “Great! Now go do that tomorrow.”

When I ask that question, I know that those thoughts are the only ones that matter. I am better able to recognize guilt, condemnation and other unhelpful thoughts and replace them with positive actions I can take the next day.”

 

We can all relate to that grumpy parenting!  We need to give ourselves second chances.  And, if we admit to our children what we could have done differently, they will see us as human and will learn how to give themselves second chances as well.  For it is not enough for us as parents to give them a second chance. They too need to learn how to forgive themselves and realize they always have a “do over” in our eyes. 

 

When we make a mistake as a parent we model for them how to get that second chance. First we need to be honest and acknowledge what we should have done differently.   We then ask for forgiveness. Then, we make some tangible changes.  Second chances often mean attempting to actually repair a harm that has been done. 

 

We also thereby teach our children to be “forgivers”  when they see us say, “I’m sorry” and ask for forgiveness.   There is always a chance for their friends and other adults in their lives  to have a second chance and to right a wrong.  (Just to add, that there are clearly circumstances when a friend has gotten too many second chances, and there are times when a friendship may not be the best for the child).  Even good people make bad choices. And, we can even practice with our children how to graciously share with another that he/she is forgiven.  

 

As educators, we too do try to remind ourselves that no matter what happened with a child the day before, children all get second chances, and each day is a fresh start and a new opportunity. 

 

But, how about “You never get a second chance to make a first impression?”  We know the stories about the teenager who posted something on instagram and then did not receive a college acceptance. We do speak to our students about their digital footprints, and once something is out there, even if we change our minds after and realize that we want a second chance, it is often impossible to get one.  And, while we do believe people change, it is not easy to change one’s reputation. 

 

I have been working in schools with teens for 25 years now, and I can share with you story upon story about bumping into a graduate or a parent of a graduate who when he/she was a student he/she struggled behaviorally.  This young adult (or even full-grown adult, married, with family), now has overcome his/her challenges and is a huge success in life and more importantly a huge “mench.”   All he needed was a second chance.  All she needed was someone who believed in her ability to do better tomorrow- to get a do over.  All they needed was a “Pesach Sheini” - a second chance!   

 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed real-life friendship dilemmas and how to do with conflict with friends.

Seventh Grade:  Students began discussing the bystander effect and how we as bystanders must do something when we see injustice.

Eighth Grade:  Students began a lesson on smoking as part of their substance abuse unit. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quarantine and An Eye of Kindness

 

   This past Shabbat’s parshiot of Tazria- Metzora are often ones we find a hard time applying to our lives today. I refer to most particularly the pesukim about the metzora and how this spiritual disease of tzoraat, (leprosy- although it is not the purely physical leprosy of today), is something we do not experience nowadays.   This Shabbat in shul Rabbi Neuburger pointed out how interestingly enough the “quarantine” of the person who has tzoraat is an experience to which we can all relate.  As it says in Vayikra 13:46 

מוכָּל־יְמֵ֞י אֲשֶׁ֨ר הַנֶּ֥גַע בּ֛וֹ יִטְמָ֖א טָמֵ֣א ה֑וּא בָּדָ֣ד יֵשֵׁ֔ב מִח֥וּץ לַמַּֽחֲנֶ֖ה מֽוֹשָׁבֽוֹ

All the days the lesion is upon him, he shall remain unclean. He is unclean; he shall dwell isolated; his dwelling shall be outside the camp.

In fact, Rabbi Neuburger humorously suggested that perhaps when Moshiach comes and the laws of tzoraat go back into effect, perhaps it will not be so isolating as the metzora (person with tzoraat) might be able to zoom a shiur, do his/her work remotely and even order food via doordash.  

Rabbi Neuburger continued to share some important messages with the bar mitzvah boy and the congregants in shul.  I would like to consider what the quarantine of the metzora can teach us about the quarantine of today.  While clearly Covid is nothing like Tzoraat, interestingly enough, if a person suspected he had tzoraat he would quarantine for 7 days until the Kohen came to officially diagnose and if he had tzoraat he would have to quarantine for another 7 days.  14 days quarantine- sounds familiar? 

What was the cause of tzoraat? There are a number of different explanations but one primary one is that it is a punishment for the sin of Lashon Hara. The question is obvious. We understand why we need to quarantine for Covid- it is contagious!  If tzoraat is a spiritual illness it is clearly not contagious. Why would a person have to quarantine? 

Rashi states in Vayikra 13:46:

בדד ישב: שלא יהיו שאר טמאים יושבים עמו. ואמרו רבותינו מה נשתנה משאר טמאים לישב בדד, הואיל והוא הבדיל בלשון הרע בין איש לאשתו ובין איש לרעהו, אף הוא יבדל

He shall dwell isolated: [meaning] that other unclean people [not stricken with tzara’ath] shall not abide with him. Our Sages said: “Why is he different from other unclean people, that he must remain isolated? Since, with his slander, he caused a separation [i.e., a rift] between man and wife or between man and his fellow, he too, shall be separated [from society].”- [Arachin 16b] [This rationale is based on the premise that a person is stricken with tzara’ath as a result of his talking לְשׁוֹן הָרַע, i.e., speaking derogatorily of others, although he may be telling the truth.]

Rashi sees this quarantine as a  מדה כנגד מדה- a measure for measure. You separated others from each other, so now you need to be isolated.  Rabbi Zalman Sorotzkin in his book Aznayim LaTorah adds that this quarantine is not a pure measure for measure.  It serves as a time for introspection and to consider what he has done and to return to the community ready to bring more kindness and unity to the community. 

Perhaps being separated from the community made him realize how much he needs the community and how much more effort he needs to exert to treat all with kindness.

A similar phenomenon has struck us during covid. In school, we laugh that who would have ever imagined that students would actually rather be in school?!  We see the sad looks of the students on zoom who are counting down the minutes until they can return.   And, of course, how much our students are thirsting for a sleepover with a friend, or the opportunity to hang out indoors without masks. During times when we cannot be with friends, it is a time to introspect and consider, “Are we appreciating our friends as much as we should? Are we treating our fellow classmates with the kindness and care that they deserve?”  When we are isolated it is a perfect time to consider  whether when we are together, are we acting and treating others in the way that we should? 

In our family, we are HUGE Ishay Ribo fans. Ishay Ribo is an Israeli singer who is known for his meaningful lyrics and music.  About a year ago he came out with a song about the covid experience called כתר מלוכה- Royal Crown. (Click here for the song with a moving video.  And, click here for the lyrics in English).  The title is a play on words as corona  is a crown, and the song talks about crowning G-d.   The song travels through time starting from before Purim 2020 until the end of March.  The chorus asks: 

ומה אתה רוצה שנבין מזה

איך מתרחקים ומתקרבים בכאב הזה

רוצה לחיות אותך ולא להיות לבד

ומה אתה רוצה שנלמד מזה

ואיך נדע להתאחד בפרוד הזה

עד שניתן לך כתר מלוכה

What do You want us to understand from this?

How do we distance ourselves and draw near in this pain?

We want to live with You

And not to be alone

 

What do you want us to learn from this?

How will we know how to unify in this separation?

Until we give You,

the royal crown. 

 

Ribo’s song directs us to engage in the same introspection of the metzora.  “What does Hashem want us to learn from this?”  When we are separated do we realize how much we need each other and unity.  

 

In Vayikra 13:55 it states,

 וְרָאָ֨ה הַכֹּהֵ֜ן אַחֲרֵ֣י ׀ הֻכַּבֵּ֣ס אֶת־הַנֶּ֗גַע וְ֠הִנֵּה לֹֽא־הָפַ֨ךְ הַנֶּ֤גַע אֶת־עֵינוֹ֙ וְהַנֶּ֣גַע לֹֽא־פָשָׂ֔ה טָמֵ֣א ה֔וּא בָּאֵ֖שׁ תִּשְׂרְפֶ֑נּוּ פְּחֶ֣תֶת הִ֔וא בְּקָרַחְתּ֖וֹ א֥וֹ בְגַבַּחְתּֽוֹ׃

The Kohen shall look, after the affliction has been washed, and behold (if) the affliction has not changed its appearance and the affliction has not spread, it is contaminated, you shall burn it in fire.

Rabbi Yissocher Frand quotes the Chidushai HaRim  who says while the phrase לֹֽא־הָפַ֨ךְ הַנֶּ֤גַע אֶת־עֵינוֹ֙ means “hasn’t changed its appearance” it literally means, “the affliction did not change his eye.”  Another reason given by the Gemara Eruchin 16a for tzoraat is “tzarut ayin” “narrowness of the eye.”  “A person is described as ‘narrow of eye’ if he never sees the positive. It is the opposite of generosity of spirit.“  In order for the tzoraat to be cured the person’s eye must have changed to generosity of spirit. 

 

As you know, during the Sefirah here at Yavneh we are focusing on how “Kindness Counts.”   We know that the students of Rabbi Akiva died during this sefira time because,

 אמרו שנים עשר אלף זוגים תלמידים היו לו לרבי עקיבא מגבת עד אנטיפרס וכולן מתו בפרק אחד מפני שלא נהגו כבוד זה לזה

They said by way of example that Rabbi Akiva had twelve thousand pairs of students in an area of land that stretched from Gevat to Antipatris in Judea, and they all died in one period of time, because they did not treat each other with respect.

 

They did not treat each other with kindness and respect. They took each other for granted. 

 

 

While kindness is essential every day, after these months of lockdown last year and of on and off quarantine now we realize how much we are thirsting for that interaction with others and how much we need that generosity of spirit.  What did we learn from this? We learned that we do not take the people around us for granted.  Every person with whom we interact each day is a blessing.  We engaged in introspection and considered are we treating those people as if they are blessings- with kindness and generosity of spirit? That is the lesson that the illness of tzoraat taught us and the lesson of Covid-19 as well.  Has our eye changed? Hopefully we have “changed our eye” and the way we view those around us. 

 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed what happens when you have a conflict with a friend?

 

Seventh Grade: Students continued their Do Not Stand Idly By unit and discussed how  BDS harms Israel. 

 

Eighth Grade: Students continued their substance abuse unit with a discussion of the dangers of alcohol. 

Chag Sameach- Happiness Lessons

 

      Israel has done it again! It has outranked even the United States and is the 12th happiest country in the U.N.’s annual World Happiness Report. (The United States was the 19th). The World Happiness Report is a survey of 149 countries regarding the state of their happiness measuring income, health, generosity, social support, trust and freedom of choice.  In fact, Israel’s Central Bureau of Statistics states that over 90% of Israelis say they are happy.  Despite the death of more than 6000 Israelis,  three lockdowns, thousands losing their jobs during this Covid time period, and the fourth national election in two years, Israelis still seem to be happy. 

What can we learn from these happiness studies to raise our own and our children’s HQ- happiness quotients?  Some of what affects our HQ is beyond our control- genetics, temperament and of course life circumstances, such as a pandemic. But, much of what determines our HQ is our choices regarding our attitude and actions. 

Taking a moment to analyze more of the study’s results may provide us with some tips to achieve happiness. 

1. In general, there does not seem to be a link between covid and happiness measured this year.  Japan has had many fewer cases of covid than the United  States, but was ranked 40.  And, interestingly enough, last year, before the pandemic, the U.S. rated 18 and this year they are ranked 14. Americans seem to actually be happier than they were before the pandemic. Jeffrey Sachs, one of the co-authors noted, “We asked two kinds of questions. One is about life in general, life evaluation, we call it. How is your life going? The other is about mood, emotions, stress, anxiety.  Of course, we’re still in the middle of a deep crisis. But the responses about long-term life evaluation did not change decisively, though the disruption in our lives was so profound.”   There seems to be a sense of resiliency and even solidarity and social connectedness  that has developed during this time. As we intuit, social connectedness and raising our children with skills of resiliency are key areas to increase happiness.  But, the important part is we cannot wait until crisis hits to teach those resiliency skills. We need to reinforce them at all times so they are ready. 

And, social connectedness, we know, is essential at all times.  (See Israel below).

2. Why did the United States rate as low as they did?  

Co-author Sonja Lyubormirsky, suggests that “American culture prizes signs of wealth such as big houses and multiple cars more so than other countries and material things don’t make us as happy.”  This relates to Dr. Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and psychologist words, “Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided.” Happiness, which only involves oneself and has no meaning, will not last. Helping others and living meaningful lives is a way to achieve happiness. 

3. It was the fourth year in a row that Finland came out first. What makes Finland the happiest country?  Esa Saarinne, a Finnish philosopher, feels, “I think Finns are pretty kind of content on some level at being just what we are. We don’t really have to be more.”   Crete Karvala, notes that “This isn’t to say that we Finns walk the earth in a constant state of euphoria- far from it.  Instead, our national character is to be even-keeled and content with what we have.” 

As it says in Avot 4:1:

. אֵיזֶהוּ עָשִׁיר, הַשָּׂמֵחַ בְּחֶלְקוֹ

Who is rich? He who rejoices in his lot

The ability to be content with one’s lot in life is one key to happiness. 

4. How do Israelis, living in a constant state of potential war, intifada, rockets etc. achieve happiness?  

1. Professor Zahava Solomon of Tel Aviv University highlights this psychological paradox.  This “culture of conflict” which makes Israelis constantly aware of the dangers they face makes them fearless and willing to take on risks that lead to self-growth.  If each day might be your last, you would enjoy that day. This leads to a more fulfilling life.  We need to demonstrate to and teach our children that each day can be life- changing, so don’t waste a moment. 

2. Israelis have much to fear, so they fear nothing, points out Tifanie Wen in her article, “Why Are Israelis So Happy?”  She quotes a study from the Journal of the American Medical Association which demonstrates that Israelis recover from PTSD faster than other Western nations. Israelis have continuously shown to be able to habituate to new conflicts. The level of anxiety may be higher in Israel, but the level of clinical anxiety is very low.  “By experiencing more anxiety on a daily basis, they’ve become inoculated against bad things when they do occur and habituate to them rapidly. They are able to function in spite of them.”  If one can be resilient in the face of potential war, then economic and social issues are easy to deal with by comparison.  It is okay and important to express stress, and it helps us develop resilience. Thus, the importance of allowing our children to fail, brush themselves off and get up again. 

Interestingly enough, when it comes to resilience during covid one specific population fared well in studies of happiness.  Dr. Laura Carstensen, of Stanford University, recently did a study on happiness and older adults.  Despite expectations,  older people actually “report better emotional well-being than younger people, even a pandemic that is placing them at a greater risk than any other group,” writes Melissa De Witte in her article, “Despite Covid-19 Risks, Older People Experience Higher Emotional Well-being Than Younger Adults.”   The older adults seem to feel more calm and  have less anxiety than younger adults. They are more resilient and seem to know how to handle stress better. What is the reason for their advantages? They have had more experience with stressful and negative situations and therefore have learned how to cope. They are also more motivated to focus on the positives in their lives and not stress the negative. They are focusing more on that which gives them joy, happiness and meaning.  Instead of focusing on the possible negatives in the future, they focus on getting through the here and now.  Like Israel, they have had anxiety and survived and therefore are happier. 

3. Israeli psychologist Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar,  (whose work I have mentioned before in this column), author of the books Happier  and Being Happy, and former professor of a popular course in Harvard, “The Science Of Happiness,” returned to Israel after being abroad for 15 years. He found himself happier when he returned.  Ben-Shahar believes it is the Israeli’s focus on family and friends which is one cause of the happiness that Israelis feel.  Time spent with those we care about is the number one predictor of happiness.  Creating those close ties with family is essential for growth- more family time! 

4. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to think that something about this happiness has to do with G-d.  Geulio Meotti, in her article, “Why Are Israelis So Happy” notes, “While Israel’s social fabric is deeply divided between ultra-Orthodox Jews and ‘Hellenistic’ Israelis, nationalists and leftists, two-thirds of Israelis believe in God, therefore maintaining the hope and feeling that there is higher meaning and purpose to their lives. There is also the attachment to the Jewish land, while love for one’s land is a nationalistic taboo in the West.” Raising our children with Emunah and recognizing that G-d will always take care of them, is one route to happiness. 

Here, in America, we try to relay to our students and children that intense connection to the land, the people and to G-d that one feels in Eretz Yisrael. 

  אֶ֕רֶץ אֲשֶׁר־ה’ אֱלֹקיךָ דֹּרֵ֣שׁ אֹתָ֑הּ תָּמִ֗יד עֵינֵ֨י ה’ אֱלֹקיךָ֙ בָּ֔הּ מֵֽרֵשִׁית֙ הַשָּׁנָ֔ה וְעַ֖ד אַֽחֲרִ֥ית שָׁנָֽה

“It is a Land that the Lord your God seeks out; the eyes of the Lord your God, are always upon it, from the beginning of the year to the end of the year.” (Devarim, 11:12)  It is a country of miracles. A country of resilience, meaning and mission.  A country of family.   It is one of the happiest countries on earth! Yom Haatzmaut Sameach! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began a unit on Friendship and what makes a good friend? 

Seventh Grade; Students continued with their discussion of how the BDS movement affects Israel. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began their substance abuse unit with a discussion of what are substances and how they affect their physiology.