The Eyes- Windows To The Soul

 I recall the first day of school looking into the faces of our new sixth graders thinking, “How will I ever learn their names when I cannot even see their faces?” Thank G-d, I have been getting to know them underneath those masks. 

 

Before I returned to school I purchased a number of clear masks thinking I would need them so that I could connect with the students. I actually haven’t even worn them.  

 

But, mask-wearing has most definitely changed our regular everyday communication.  It is harder to communicate  and speaking with someone requires our full attention.  Facial expressions are an integral part of communication.  In fact, research done before Covid-19 on patients’ perceptions of doctors with and without masks indicates that patients had more negative perceptions of doctors when they wore masks.  How does mask wearing affect our emotional recognition and social interaction? 

 

 

Dustin York, in “How To Build Rapport...While Wearing A Mask” highlights his acronym  P.A.V.E.- strategies needed for better communication  while wearing face masks.  Pause- since it is hard to see when we are pausing, we should accentuate our pauses so listeners know when they can jump in.  Accentuate- Use different intonation.  Volume- speak up.  Emotion-  make your voice more expressive. 

 

Like many Covid-19 experiences, wearing masks has taught me a thing or two about communication skills we implement during this mask-wearing time that we can carry over into our general social skills as well.  One such skill is active listening- when listening to another if we nod our heads and even say sentences like, “I got you,” “Really?”  or by paraphrasing what they said, “So, you mean..” “I hear that you are saying…”  they feel heard. Active listening is a skill we should always use, but absolutely necessary when wearing a mask.  

 

Another communication skill to carry over to post-covid life is having to verbalize some things that before mask wearing were evident from our facial expressions.  We need to state our emotions out loud. We cannot assume someone will read between the lines and get what we are saying, and then in turn be upset when he/she does not.  Just say it!    At times, the best way to know how someone is feeling if we cannot tell is to ask them to tell us.  

 

The paying attention to the tone of voice of the speaker in order to ascertain emotional content is also another lesson that we can glean from this time period. And, of course, as the speaker, making the effort to make our tone of voice clear for the listener. 

 

Most importantly, eye contact has become essential. Eyes are truly “windows to the soul.”  They are the key to emotional connectedness. When people are upset they might furrow their eyes, and when happy they open them up wider. They might crinkle when laughing or roll them when they are annoyed or showing contempt. When concerned  their eyes widen.   One can tell when someone is faking happiness by looking at his/her eyes.  Drs. Sebastiaan Mothot and and Stefan Van der Stigchel demonstrated that the size of a person's pupils can tell us about their emotions and intentions.  Our pupils dilate when we are aroused. When we are interested in something our pupils dilate. When we are simply faking being interested our pupils will not dilate.  There is an actual pupillary response that corresponds to our expectations and emotions.  Additionally, "Eye contact, although it occurs over a gap of yards, is not a metaphor," psychiatrists Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon write in "A General Theory Of Love." "When we meet the gaze of another, two nervous systems achieve a palpable and intimate apposition."

 

 A 2018 study found that when we make eye contact with another we are more likely to “engage in selfless, altruistic behavior.” We are also more likely to remember the details of our interaction with the other and to deem the other more positively.  And, a Wall Street Journal Article, “Just Look Me In The Eye Already” states that an adult makes eye contact only 30-60% of the time in a conversation, but emotional connection is only made when the eye contact is made 60-70% of the conversation.  

 

Clearly during this time the ability to read the language of the eyes is essential.  But, this is a skill that we need to carry over to social skills post-covid.  And, of course, making eye contact is plain old polite. 

Teens especially are not particularly fond of making eye contact. They are self-conscious and generally look down at their phones so are not used to eye contact. 

And, as we know, technology has changed the way teens make eye contact.  It is not unusual to see a group of teens sitting together all looking at their phones and not at each other. In the age of technology we feel too vulnerable and awkward when making eye contact and often retreat to our phones to make contact with others.  Connecting with others through social media is superficial.  Communicating by digital means alone is not a way to develop a deep relationship or keep it going.  We are raising a generation of teens who are more comfortable communicating via phone than in person.  

And, just the mere presence of a phone, even if we are not looking at the screen, lowers the quality of the in-person conversation. The study, published in the journal Environment and Behavior, confirms the findings of a 2013 lab-based study in a real-world setting. It suggests you don't have to be actively checking your phone for it to divide your attention.  If subjects held a phone on the table or in their hand during the conversation, they rated the conversation to be “less fulfilling” compared to conversations that took place without the phones present.  There were less “feelings of interpersonal connectedness” and less “empathetic concern.” 

"Mobile phones hold symbolic meaning in advanced technological societies," a research team led by Shalini Misra of Virginia Tech University writes. "In their presence, people have the constant urge to seek out information, check for communication, and direct their thoughts to other people and worlds.  Even without active use, the presence of mobile technologies has the potential to divert individuals from face-to-face exchanges, thereby undermining the character and depth of these connections. Individuals are more likely to miss subtle cues, facial expressions, and changes in the tone of their conversation partner's voice, and have less eye contact."

And, there seems to be some long-term effects of technology use on a teen’s ability to read non-verbal emotional cues.  Dr. Patricia Greenfield invited teens to spend five days at an overnight camp without any technology. Compared to a control group who had all their technology with them, the children at the camp were better at reading non-verbal emotional cues. 

How do we teach our children to have eye contact which is an important component of emotional connectedness and an essential part of having manners?  First demonstrate how important it is by demonstrating when they are trying to speak to you how it feels to have your eyes wandering.  Explain that not only is it polite to look someone in the eye , but it does demonstrate empathy- they are truly hearing them. Then they should  practice for short amounts of time at first.  Have them look in between someone’s eyebrows to start. Tell them to see the color of a person’s eyes when they speak for however amount of time they can.  

The impact of technology on the ability to make eye contact affects us as adults as well.  In this age of multitasking, it has become the norm to have a conversation with no eye contact at all. Carolyn Gregorie in her article “How Technology is Killing Eye Contact,” says it aptly: 

 "All too often we're like cornered animals with our eyes darting from device to human and back to device," Daniel Sieberg, author of "The Digital Diet: The Four-Step Plan To Break Your Tech Addiction And Regain Balance In Your Life," tells The Huffington Post. "Eye contact can be especially meaningful in today's world of constant partial attention and it conveys a sentiment that the person you're with matters. Taking that extra time when possible can really yield benefits with face-to-face interaction."

 

However, most of us have become accustomed to conversations where digital devices interrupt eye contact: You're in a conversation with an acquaintance whose gaze is directed down at a screen while you're speaking, a friend jumps into the dinner conversation without looking up from the text she's composing, or you catch yourself nodding along to your daughter's story while reading an email. These interactions aren't just what previous generations would have considered rude: They're also undermining our ability to connect with the people in our lives. 

We adults struggle with eye contact as well, but we are reminded of the importance of eye contact as parents and transmitting that importance to our children at all times- even after covid. Eye contact is essential for a true connection with our children.   “Look at me when I am speaking to you,” we might say to our children.  We want to see that they are truly listening.  We can feel their emotions more and in turn they can feel ours.  They can see the love in our eyes when they are looking at us. We too, as parents, are finding that in this age of technology we are spending less time making eye contact with our children.  We too are engaged in digital multitasking. 

 The one on one time we spend with our children when we look into their eyes is desperately needed.  Cindy Webb in her article, “The Importance of Making Eye Contact With Your Children,” speaks about three important steps to making a connection with your child- even when they are teens. 1. Physical Touch 2. Eye Contact 3. Focused Attention.  We still need to hug them and kiss them  goodbye. We should make dates with them to have focused attention- where we are fully present.  Eye contact represents that focus- that only they are the center of our world. Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness, 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, writes,  “It is the bull’s eye- the sweet spot of parenting. Sure, kids need time to just hang around with us while we check our email or cook dinner and they read or do their homework. But they also need us to focus on them a little bit each day, be totally present with them.”  We need to make good eye contact as they tell us about their day.  No yelling up the steps, but waiting to speak so we can see their eyes.

 

The Gemara Avodah Zarah 28b states: , דשורייני דעינא באובנתא דליבא תלו “The muscles of the eye are connected to the heart.” Our eyes have a deep connection to our emotions. No wonder eye contact is essential for developing connections with other and most importantly with our children.  Wearing masks is just another opportunity to focus on that eye contact and connection. 

 

 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a segment on how to determine appropriate behavior in class with teachers.

 

Seventh Grade:  Students focused on resiliency and how we have the choice how to perceive situations. 

 

Eighth Grade:  Students began the 2nd half of our Advisory curriculum focusing on life after Yavneh- skills they will need for high school life.

The Resilience of the Maccabees

 

The Maccabees were few in number and their chances of winning were slim.  Yet, they did not give up and persevered and thereby רבים ביד מעטים- the many fell in the hands of the few against all odds. They then arrived in the Beit HaMikdash and again were devastated.  All the oil seems to have been tainted by the enemy. Alas, another miracle! They found one flask of oil enough for one mere day, again against all odds.   They saw how there is only enough oil left for one day. It will take a week to make more oil. And, then again, against all odds, it lasted for eight days.

I can imagine the conversations among them.  “Why even try? There is no way we will win against the mighty Greeks!”  “We can do it- let’s not give up! Stay hopeful! Believe!”  And, then,  “Why are we even wasting our time looking for a pure flask of oil? They are all tainted!”  “We can do it- let’s not give up hope!  Believe!”  And, then “Why are we  bothering to light the menorah? It will only last for one day!”  “Let us at least try. Miracles do happen! Stay hopeful. Believe!” 

Chanukah is the holiday of resiliency- the ability to bounce back from difficulties and persist.  This past week, as I have mentioned in past years in this column, we began a unit in our 7th grade Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping with Adversity in Life.”  We begin with a quiz.  Who is this?  “He ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time.” .... Abraham Lincoln.  “His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”.... Dr. Seuss. “ As a baseball player, he struck out more than any player in the history of baseball: 1,330 times.”... Babe Ruth.  Why were these famous people able to continue despite failure and rejection? What was their secret?  Why do others quit the moment they face tough times? 

We demonstrate to the students that it is the difference between an egg and a super ball. The Advisor then takes a  ball and bounces it into a container. She points out that the harder you bounce it the quicker it bounces back. Then she takes the egg and throws it into the container.  It shatters. An egg- the harder you throw it, the quicker it shatters. There are two types of people in life. Some are raw egg people- who shatter when faced with an obstacle. Then there are super ball people. When they face an obstacle they bounce back. The people above- Lincoln, Dr. Seuss etc. with every failure they bounced back.

We then speak about the story of Jim Marshall, a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings.  In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television!  It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”  Dr. Carole Dweck speaks about Jim Marshall’s triumph in her book Mindset.  We discuss with the students that after a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship. 

Lazer Gurkow in this article “Despite the Odds” highlights the insurmountable military challenge the Maccabees faced when fighting the Greeks. He adds an additional challenge: If this were not intimidating enough, consider the internal threat. A huge number of Jews had Hellenized—assimilated into the Syrian Greek culture. They rejected the laws and rituals as ancient relics, superfluous to an enlightened people. They viewed those who clung to religion as backwards, a cancer to be excised. They would do everything in their power, including fighting their own brethren, to ensure stability and the continuity of their lifestyle.”  

Not only were they facing the external threat, but also their own internal threat. We are often our own worst enemies. At times it is our peers or friends that discourage us. At times we ourselves have an internal self-talk (which we discuss in Advisory) which discourages us from dusting ourselves off and trying again.  “Yet, the Jewish warriors rejected this script and drew on the resilience of their soul,” says Gurkow. Resilience.  Here, he maintains, they gained that resiliency from their souls- from their Emunah and belief in G-d’s salvation. (We too have discussed the power of  emunah in helping our children persist through difficulty).  

In essence the Maccabees were believers, and they were clearly optimists. They had the ability to see the cup half full and not half empty.  We also call this in Advisory the ability to see the world through “rose-colored glasses” instead of dark glasses. While our students this year have not gotten to this exercise yet (so don’t spoil it for them!) we plan to apply this exercise to the covid experience they are going through this year.  The example I will give them relates to losing power at your house during a hurricane:

During the hurricane, suddenly your power went off in your home.

Rose colored glasses perspective: 

“It was so much fun when the power went off in my house during the hurricane. We all got to sleep in the same room and my father didn’t have to go to work.  We stayed up late telling ghost stories- it was like one big campfire!  We stayed up all night playing games and having fun by flashlight.  I will never forget that night!”

Dark colored glasses perspective: 

“It was the worst night of my life. There was no power so we all had to squish into one room.  And, all I really wanted to do was to go to sleep in my own room, but my siblings were playing and making so much noise!  It’s so boring with no TV to watch, and I knew my teacher would be angry at me for not doing my homework. I wish we had a generator!” 

We will then ask them to do a similar activity with a covid situation. 

Gurkow focuses on the  a message that stems from Chanukah that we can hold onto during these difficult times we are in now and during any times of challenge:

The miracle of Chanukah was not just that the light lasted for eight days; that is a rather small miracle for G‑d. If He could split the Reed Sea, He could refill an oil jar. The miracle is that human beings, fallible and imperfect, overcame their doubts and found a new script. They rejected the odds and charted a new future. They refused to live in darkness and found their internal light.

The miracle of the eight-day light is merely an expression of the miracle wrought by the Maccabees. G‑d wanted the world to know what the Maccabees had achieved and made it a clarion call for generations. Don’t accept the script of darkness no matter the odds. You have a light inside you that refuses to be extinguished, and that one little light can banish a great deal of darkness.

When you kindle the Chanukah lights this year, stop and think about resilience and endurance. 

When we focus on the light within we can persevere. What is that light? (All of which we cover in Advisory)

1. Positive “self-talk”- encouraging messages we tell ourselves, similar to what we would tell a friend who is struggling.

2. Grit- holding fast to a goal despite failure.

3. Upbeating thinking- seeing the cup half full.

4. Resisting negative thoughts- i.e. I am a terrible student! Nobody likes me because I am not “cool” enough. 

5. Positive coping statements- before, during and after stressful situations encouraging oneself with statements like “It’s going to be okay.” “I can handle this.”

6. Mindful self-compassion- being aware of what you are going through without judgment and then having the ability to comfort, self-soothe and encourage ourselves when we suffer or fail. 

7. Affirmations- statements that we make about ourselves that we affirm and say over and over until we believe them. 

8. Emunah- trust in G-d and belief that what is happening is good for us. 

Chava Shapiro, in  her article “The Opportunity in Adversity” agrees and states “The miracle of the oil teaches us a critical life lesson: how to find light in the midst of what seems like utter chaos and darkness.”  Shapiro continues that adversity can be viewed simply as an obstacle to overcome or part of life from which we emerge better, stronger and wiser. After facing a challenge we understand ourselves better and are better.  We need to remember the little oil within us that we can set aflame when we are ready. 

Chana Weisberg in “Eight Chanukah Lessons That Teach an Enlightening Perspective on Life” focuses on another lesson regarding facing difficulty that we glean from the oil lasting for 8 days. “Don’t fight darkness; enlighten it by shining the light of truth and purpose. Don’t dwell on negativity or failures; instead, focus on positive change.” 

Sarah Chana Radcliffe in her article just this week “Lighten Up: You can bring light into your home by toning down the negativity” reiterates the importance of shining that light instead of focusing on negativity. Through constant criticism, lecturing, nagging and complaining we introduce darkness into our homes.  We focus on the negative and do not equally focus on the positive. We need to work more on finding the good, judging all for the good and focusing more on the blessings in our lives. 

In the article following Radcliffe’s article, various authors wrote personal stories they call “The Last Flask”- “They were a tiny band of brave warriors who had defeated the powerful Greek army.  And now, they wanted to renew the service in the Beit HaMikdash, to kindle the menorah that would light up the world.   But the oil they needed was desecrated, dribbling from shattered vessels, unsealed and contaminated. And then they found it- the last flask, the small bottle that would enable them to start anew.  12 writers share the last flask that lit up their own lives…”  We all have those difficult times and those “last flasks” that we can find deep within ourselves. 

Let us encourage our children to look for that last flask within them, even when they feel that all is lost.  We raise them with the encouragement that they can do it despite the challenges they face. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed bar/bat mitzvah etiquette and appropriate behavior at a simcha.

Seventh Grade: Our students began the new unit mentioned above in this column “When Life Gives You Lemons” and focused on what contributes to resiliency. 

Eighth Grade: Students did a “quality circle”  on the topic of cyberexclusion and how it impacts others when we post photos of get-togethers to which they were not invited.  How are we doing here at Yavneh in this area?

Positively Expecting Gratitude

  Whenever there is a break from school I  put aside some time to clean an area of my house that needs some work.  (Yes, I don’t really know how to relax!)  This time, I spent some time in my basement.  I came across a small book written by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin called Thank You.  What are the chances of my coming across a book about gratitude during Thanksgiving weekend?  G-d was clearly telling me to read it.  (And, He was, of course, providing me with material for my column this week!) 

Rabbi Pliskin speaks about the benefits of gratitude for happiness, self-esteem and contentment.  These assertions are  substantiated by the research which I have previously quoted in this column that gratitude leads to higher levels of both emotional and physical well-being. 

 Rabbi Pliskin discusses why gratitude is hard for some.  Interestingly enough, there is research that points out that gratitude is specifically difficult for teenagers. Adina Soclof, in her article “There’s A Reason Your Teen Is Totally Ungrateful”  quotes a research study by Professor Jeffrey Froh at Hofstra University on gratitude and unselfish behavior in middle school and high school students. A similar study was done previously on college students in the University of California. These college students were asked to keep a gratitude journal where they listed daily things in their lives for which they were grateful. As anticipated, the college students reported an increase in happiness and gratefulness.  But, the results with middle school and high school students were different and their happiness did not increase nor did their ability to be grateful. 

There are some practical reasons why this is the case. Perhaps the teens felt forced by their teachers to write these journals and felt manipulated. Or they had “gratitude fatigue” as they wrote the same list day after day without the insight of older students.  

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman  in the Newsweek article “Why Counting Blessings Is So Hard for Teenagers” provide another explanation :

Parents and teachers need to recognize that being grateful, and being a teenager, are often diametrically opposed. To be a teenager—in the classic sense—means expressing a fundamental desire to individuate from one’s family. This is not unhealthy behavior; it’s completely normal. They are soon to be independent adults, and they need to take themselves for test-drives. Pushing parents away, and wanting things to be none of your business, and exhibiting total ignorance of all you’ve done for them, are all behaviors that conjure independence. Asking them to be grateful—and wishing they’d be more aware of how their success is due to you—is difficult for them to feel at the same time as they’re trying to get out from under your thumb. Thus grateful teenagers are rare, not the norm... Their lack of gratitude might be the way they maintain the illusion that they are in control of their own lives.”

At this age when teens are thirsting for independence, maybe realizing that they were indebted to others is disconcerting to them.  We, therefore, need to work even harder as parents of teens to work on teaching them gratitude skills.  During adolescence, “[they] may have put [your values] in cold storage…but they’re there and they will reappear in time.”

One chapter in Rabbi Pliskin’s book is entitled “Keep Your Main Focus On What your Children Do Right.”   If we want our children to be grateful and demonstrate gratitude we clearly need to teach them. It is normal and natural for children to show a lack of gratitude, but we need to be careful not to “reinforce a self-concept of being ungrateful.”  We need to spend more time pointing out when they are grateful than when they are ungrateful. Instead of  constantly saying to a child, “I can’t believe you were so ungrateful,” say something like “This would be a great opportunity for you to show how grateful you are for how you benefited…” 

Interestingly enough, just yesterday I read in psychologist’s Sarah Radcliffe’s book Raising Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice  a similar idea.  Radcliffe stresses the importance of using positive tools to discipline.  She presents three positive tools.  Tool #1 is the Comment.  When we comment on a child’s positive behavior they are prone to do it again. But, if we comment on their negative behavior, they are also prone to do it again as well. We therefore try to not give attention to negative behaviors. There are three types of positive comments: acknowledgment, appreciation and praise.  (Read her book for more details!) 

Radcliffe then speaks about the  2nd positive tool in addition to the comment-  the label.  Children absorb our labels into their self-concept. So, if we label our child “lazy” he will eventually absorb that label into how he feels about himself and even act lazy. “What do you want from me- I’m lazy?!” Labels like kind, generous, patient etc. can be used when praising or when correcting a behavior.  The rule of thumb is to use the exact opposite of the word you feel inclined to say! (Instead of “lazy”, say the positive quality you need to see-  “making more effort”).   So, instead of saying “I can’t believe you didn’t clean up the food I gave you. You are so ungrateful!!!”  you might say, “I wish you would have cleaned up the food I gave you.  I need you to show more gratitude.” Next time we call out to our children after noticing the leftover Chinese sitting all over the table, through commenting and labeling positively they realize that they can be grateful beings. 

It is difficult as parents when we are too agitated at the “ungrateful” mess our children have left to relay the importance of gratitude. Sometimes when we call out to them, we are not in the mood to reinforce the positive!   Mrs. Shira Smiles, in her article “Genuinely Grateful” discusses why Leah, in yesterday’s parashat hashavua, calls her son “Yehuda” from the word “thanks.” She quotes the book Letitcha Elyon citing Rav M. A. Stern,  “A mother calls her son many times during the course of a day. Each time Leah would call Yehuda, his name would again evoke those feelings of gratitude she had felt at his birth, thereby maintaining a continuous stream of gratitude for Hashem’s kindness to her.”  While we haven’t literally named all our children Yehuda, I do believe that this strategy can work. If we stop and think about how grateful we are for our children, then perhaps we can stop to highlight the positive that we know is in them. . 

As we get closer to Chanukah and the receiving of gifts, I feel the need to mention the lost art of thank you notes. I know that many don’t send thank you notes anymore, but I do believe that a way to have children stop and think about how grateful they are is to have them write an old-fashioned thank you note.  Even if they type it on a computer, you are relaying the message to them that you want them to show gratitude.  And, even though it may be an annoyance to them, we know how much happier and healthier they will be if they are truly grateful and they take the time to notice that they are! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders spent some time reviewing what progress reports look like, what they can expect and  setting goals for the coming semester.

Seventh Grade;  Students learned about how the issues they are discussing impact on the Jewish community.

Eighth Grade: Pre- the JSAT test students prepared for what to expect and test-taking strategies for life. 

Adolescence Can Be Wonderful!

 

On Tisha B’av I paid for membership for the website Aleph Beta to watch some timely videos fitting the spirit of the day. Ever since then I have become a Rabbi David Forhman groupie. Each erev Shabbat, as I cook, I watch his videos.  While each week provides unique insights to the parasha, this week provided some unique insights to the adolescent years.  (Yes, I am constantly looking at things through the lens of material for this column!) 

While speaking of the death of Sarah Rabbi Fohrman quotes Rav Soloveitchik.  The Rav looks at the words “100 years, 20 years, 7 years” as describing Sarah’s age of death in his book Abraham’s Journey -Reflections of the Founding Patriarch . Most people pass through the stages in life- childhood, adolescence and adulthood and none of these stages can coexist. But, Sarah had the ability to do so- she was 100, while she was 20, while she was 7.

 “Youth represents idealism.  The young are committed unconditionally.  They arrogantly defy the world. Abraham, like Sarah, was youth all his life; he defied society of which he was a part...Sarah was both child and old woman...one must also thank G-d in a childlike manner, in the vocabulary of a youngster whose feelings are not subdued.  Even the greatest must not hide their excitement, their wonderful state of mind.  They should rejoice aloud as if they were children.” 

Rabbi Forhman continues “One way to go through the stages of life is to experience them in succession, to live each stage for what it is, and then to leave it behind and experience the next one.  That’s the ordinary way to go through life. But, there’s another way to go through life, an extraordinary way.  It’s the way Sarah did it, you don’t just passively travel through life’s stages, discarding the past for the more pressing priorities of the present. No, you build as you go; you take each stage with you as you encounter the next one.” So, when you are twenty, you keep the innocence, exuberance and curiosity of age 7.  When you are an adult, you don’t leave the teenage passion for independence behind. “So  you’re an adult and you pay your bills on time...But you're able to pause sometimes , as you eat lunch outdoors, to examine a ladybug on a blade of grass and be overcome with childlike wonder. You put your kids to bed on time, yes. But occasionally, you get swept up in a wild pillow fight with your children, and to their delight (and yours), allow yourself to forget, if only for the moment, that it’s way past bedtime.”

The best way to live life is by bringing all your earlier selves with you. If only we could bring the wonderful qualities of our younger years with us throughout our lives.  Think about who you were as an adolescent.   If only you took some of who you were then with you to your life today.  

Now, who would want to bring the qualities of adolescence along as he/she goes through life? Isn’t adolescence a time of struggle?  I was then considering we spend much time as parents dreading the onset of adolescence.  We have heard so much about the rebelliousness, the risk taking, the desire to leave their parents for the company of friends etc. But how about all the wonderful quality traits of adolescence?  The passion, the independence, the idealism, the ability to defy society to do what you feel is right, the excitement?  

As someone who has spent the past 25 years as a professional working with and teaching adolescents, adolescents can be wonderful and are truly amazing!  It is incredible to watch their opinions evolve  as they develop the ability to truly think.  The discussions you have with your teen are like no other as they can finally truly discuss with you.  It is truly exhilarating to teach them in a classroom as they deeply consider what you are teaching and contemplate how they can apply it to their own lives. You can relate to them on a more adult level. Teens can share a laugh with you as they develop a sophisticated sense of humor. Teens are not yet jaded and believe all is possible.  They therefore are creative as they do not believe that any of their efforts are stoppable.   And, while risk-taking can have a negative connotation, they are also willing to take risks to try something new and go where no one has gone before.  Teenagers can be enthusiastic and more passionate than any of the adults around us. For those of us parenting teens, it is wonderful when your teenager becomes one of your friends.  And, there is nothing better when you can share clothes, or a movie or any interests! 

So, for those of us who are just encountering the teenage years and raising our first adolescents-  it can be wonderful!  While we do spend much time discussing the difficulties of going through adolescence and parenting adolescents, let us not scare ourselves out of truly enjoying them. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed how to manage their time despite distractions. 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed some of the real economic demands of living in today’s Jewish community and how the community supports those in need. 

Eighth Grade: Students contemplated- why do good? (And, the answer is not “Just for our high school applications!”) 

Exercise Is Good For Your...Character!

 

As I completed my Dash for Dignity race, (okay..I admit it...I only walked and didn’t run!), I watched proudly as our Yavneh students came out to support Yad Leah.  The exercise is good for them...and I don’t just mean exercise of their physiological muscles. They were exercising their chesed and compassion muscles. As Dr. Ritchie Davidson, of University of Wisconsin stated when discussing acts of kindness,   “It’s kind of like weight training, we found that people can actually build up their compassion ‘muscle’ and respond to others’ suffering with care and a desire to help.”  

Where are these “compassion muscles”?  They are actually neural pathways in the brain. Neuroplasticity asserts that our brains are shaped and changed by our experiences.  Our behaviors can in essence rewire our brains and help form new neural connections based on what we do over and over- for good and bad. 

(Here is a selection from my column a few weeks ago demonstrating that the Jewish tradition already knew about this neuroplasticity: The importance of acting out scenarios and situations so that they are ingrained and part of our psyche is stated clearly in the Sefer HaChinuch Mitzvah 16.   “  כי אחרי הפעלות נמשכים הלבבות “ “A person is formed by his actions.”  Our external actions affect our inner feelings and reactions.  One might think that how you feel inside affects how you act.  The Sefer HaChinuh highlights an important psychological phenomenon- that it is the opposite-  the way we act often affects how we feel. As he explains, “You must know, that a man is acted upon according to his actions; and his heart and all his thoughts always follow after the actions that he does - whether good or bad... And from that which is not for its own sake comes that which is for its own sake [as opposed to being for personal gain]; for the hearts are drawn after the actions.”  

We know that one needs to practice, practice, practice as noted in the Rambam Hilchot Deot, 1:7. The Rambam asks how can we ensure that positive character traits become part of who we are- even ones that we do not naturally have and need to work on?  “How can one train himself to follow these temperaments to the extent that they become a permanent fixture of his [personality]? He should perform - repeat - and perform a third time - the acts which conform to the standards of the middle road temperaments. He should do this constantly, until these acts are easy for him and do not present any difficulty. Then, these temperaments will become a fixed part of his personality.”  We need to stress to our children that every skill is at first difficult, but becomes easier with practice. )

Teenagers need to exercise this compassion muscle more than others as they are neurologically more  “me- first” than adults. As Jeanna Bryner says in her article “Brain Scans Show How Teens Are More ‘Me-First’ Than Adults,”

 “A study involving a trust game revealed that 12- to 14-year-olds use a part of their brain linked to self-oriented thought and what's-in-it-for-me thinking when they make decisions about whether to share with others.”

  Even when sharing with others, the young adolescents in the study were “engaged in self-referential thoughts.”

“ In addition, activity in the brain's temporo-parietal junction (TPJ) increased with age. This area, where the temporal lobe (just above your ear) and parietal lobe (toward the back of your head) meet, is thought to be important for shifting attention between one's own and other perspectives and for inferring the intentions of others, the researchers wrote.” 

 As they grow older their brains develop allowing them to think of others as well.  

We need not wait for that neurological development, but can work on helping our children think beyond themselves. As Ema Alva writes in “Five Ways to Help Teens Think Beyond Themselves,”  the ability to think beyond themselves is linked to finding a sense of purpose.  “‘Purpose is a part of one’s personal search for meaning, but it also has an external component, the desire to make a difference in the world, to contribute to matters larger than the self,’ write psychologists William Damon, Jenni Menon, and Kendall Bronk. Some researchers call this external component the beyond-the-self dimension of purpose: Why am I here? What role can I play in the lives of those around me?”

Involving our children in chesed and volunteerism is one way to help them see beyond themselves. In fact, in our 7th grade Advisory we start the year with the story of pre-teen Austin Gutwein who raised millions of dollars for orphans in Africa through creating his program Hoops of Hope.  His book is called: Take Your Best Shot: Do Something Bigger Than Yourself.  

What are the best ways to help your teen find something beyond themselves? One way is to identify his/her passions and then encourage him/her to volunteer in that arena. Does she love basketball? Have her volunteer to be a big sister to a younger girl and teach her basketball skills.  Three other simple and seemingly obvious ideas were noted by Nathan French in his article “5 Ways to Live Less Selfishly.”  We should remind our children to  a. Listen better. b.  Serve yourself last. c. Consciously give compliments to others. Compliments force you to focus on others.  

Another way we as parents can encourage selflessness is by praising our children for being selfless.   I cannot say it better as Dr. Michelle Borba said it in her book Unselfie, when she speaks about the Family Reunion test that she routinely asks parents. 

 .“...we must get kids to switch their focus from ‘I, Me, Mine’ to ‘We, Us, Our, Ours.’...Pretend it’s twenty- five years from now and you’re at a family reunion eavesdropping on your now-grown kids discussing their childhoods. How are they describing your typical behavior? And what do they remember as the ‘most important messages’ you told them as kids? 

She notes that upon thinking about the “Reunion” parents worry that they have focused too much on achievement and too little on kindness and empathy. At the end of the day, instead of asking (or only asking), “What grade did you get? What did you learn today?”  We should be asking, “ What nice thing did you do for someone today?” Not only do we need to  model kindness, but we need to  reflect on kindness and praise kindness in conversations with our children. 

No wonder the Yavneh Chesed team is essential! And, what a perfect week to launch the 2020-21 Yavneh Academy Chesed Team!  This week’s parashat hashavua features Avraham Avinu- Ish Chesed- known for his chesed to all.  And, his welcoming the angels despite recovering from surgery showed how nothing could keep him away from exercising those chesed muscles. 

Rabbi  Shlomo Wolbe, in Alei Shor, page 91, discusses the connection between chesed and yirah- awe/fear of G-d as noted in  the Gemara in Sukkah 49b.  They do not seem to connect at all!   Rabbi Wolbe says they both challenge a person to realize the he/she is not the only one in this world 

There is one root in the soul to both of these attributes.  There are those who see beyond themselves, and there are others who do not see anything beyond themselves.  The one who sees only himself is only able to feel that which he is lacking, and therefore he lives only for his own benefit.  One who doesn’t notice others is incapable of seeing a person in need, nor will he take note of his Creator.

 

Someone who is selfish and egocentric cannot see others nor can he “see” G-d.  Both yirah and chesed can only be achieved if a person can see beyond himself.  

 

As we sadly heard of the passing of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, zt’l, just this past Shabbat, it is fitting to end with his words about achieving true joy.  In his article “The Pursuit of Joy”  he asserts that unlike Aristotle, who stated that happiness is the ultimate goal to which humans aspire, Judaism does not think it so.  Simcha- joy is a central value of Judaism, which is not happiness. Rabbi Sacks continues to point out that happiness is the state of an individual.  Simcha- joy “is never about individuals...  It is always something we share...It has to do with a sense of connection to other people and or to God.  It comes from a different realm than happiness… It is the exhilaration we feel when we merge with others...The pursuit of happiness can lead, ultimately, to self-regard and indifference to the suffering of others...Not so, joy.  Joy connects us to others and to God.”  The only way to lead our children from the path of selfishness and self-regard to the path of joy is by exercising those chesed muscles! 

 

When we started the Chesed team three years ago I maintained that it was similar to other teams- the students got t-shirts, had chesed meets and here I add they also get much needed exercise... of their chesed muscles!  

 

Advisory Update:

 

Sixth Grade:  Students began learning how to schedule their evenings and prioritize.

 

Seventh Grade:  Students began implementing the skills of empathy by delving more into the plight of the homeless as individuals. 

 

Eighth Grade:  Students had a “How Are You Doing” lesson with a  chance to discuss how 8th grade was going for them.