Where are these “compassion muscles”? They are actually neural pathways in the brain. Neuroplasticity asserts that our brains are shaped and changed by our experiences. Our behaviors can in essence rewire our brains and help form new neural connections based on what we do over and over- for good and bad.
(Here is a selection from my column a few weeks ago demonstrating that the Jewish tradition already knew about this neuroplasticity: The importance of acting out scenarios and situations so that they are ingrained and part of our psyche is stated clearly in the Sefer HaChinuch Mitzvah 16. “ כי אחרי הפעלות נמשכים הלבבות “ “A person is formed by his actions.” Our external actions affect our inner feelings and reactions. One might think that how you feel inside affects how you act. The Sefer HaChinuh highlights an important psychological phenomenon- that it is the opposite- the way we act often affects how we feel. As he explains, “You must know, that a man is acted upon according to his actions; and his heart and all his thoughts always follow after the actions that he does - whether good or bad... And from that which is not for its own sake comes that which is for its own sake [as opposed to being for personal gain]; for the hearts are drawn after the actions.”
We know that one needs to practice, practice, practice as noted in the Rambam Hilchot Deot, 1:7. The Rambam asks how can we ensure that positive character traits become part of who we are- even ones that we do not naturally have and need to work on? “How can one train himself to follow these temperaments to the extent that they become a permanent fixture of his [personality]? He should perform - repeat - and perform a third time - the acts which conform to the standards of the middle road temperaments. He should do this constantly, until these acts are easy for him and do not present any difficulty. Then, these temperaments will become a fixed part of his personality.” We need to stress to our children that every skill is at first difficult, but becomes easier with practice. )
Teenagers need to exercise this compassion muscle more than others as they are neurologically more “me- first” than adults. As Jeanna Bryner says in her article “Brain Scans Show How Teens Are More ‘Me-First’ Than Adults,”
“A study involving a trust game revealed that 12- to 14-year-olds use a part of their brain linked to self-oriented thought and what's-in-it-for-me thinking when they make decisions about whether to share with others.”
Even when sharing with others, the young adolescents in the study were “engaged in self-referential thoughts.”
“ In addition, activity in the brain's temporo-parietal junction (TPJ) increased with age. This area, where the temporal lobe (just above your ear) and parietal lobe (toward the back of your head) meet, is thought to be important for shifting attention between one's own and other perspectives and for inferring the intentions of others, the researchers wrote.”
As they grow older their brains develop allowing them to think of others as well.
We need not wait for that neurological development, but can work on helping our children think beyond themselves. As Ema Alva writes in “Five Ways to Help Teens Think Beyond Themselves,” the ability to think beyond themselves is linked to finding a sense of purpose. “‘Purpose is a part of one’s personal search for meaning, but it also has an external component, the desire to make a difference in the world, to contribute to matters larger than the self,’ write psychologists William Damon, Jenni Menon, and Kendall Bronk. Some researchers call this external component the beyond-the-self dimension of purpose: Why am I here? What role can I play in the lives of those around me?”
Involving our children in chesed and volunteerism is one way to help them see beyond themselves. In fact, in our 7th grade Advisory we start the year with the story of pre-teen Austin Gutwein who raised millions of dollars for orphans in Africa through creating his program Hoops of Hope. His book is called: Take Your Best Shot: Do Something Bigger Than Yourself.
What are the best ways to help your teen find something beyond themselves? One way is to identify his/her passions and then encourage him/her to volunteer in that arena. Does she love basketball? Have her volunteer to be a big sister to a younger girl and teach her basketball skills. Three other simple and seemingly obvious ideas were noted by Nathan French in his article “5 Ways to Live Less Selfishly.” We should remind our children to a. Listen better. b. Serve yourself last. c. Consciously give compliments to others. Compliments force you to focus on others.
Another way we as parents can encourage selflessness is by praising our children for being selfless. I cannot say it better as Dr. Michelle Borba said it in her book Unselfie, when she speaks about the Family Reunion test that she routinely asks parents.
.“...we must get kids to switch their focus from ‘I, Me, Mine’ to ‘We, Us, Our, Ours.’...Pretend it’s twenty- five years from now and you’re at a family reunion eavesdropping on your now-grown kids discussing their childhoods. How are they describing your typical behavior? And what do they remember as the ‘most important messages’ you told them as kids?
She notes that upon thinking about the “Reunion” parents worry that they have focused too much on achievement and too little on kindness and empathy. At the end of the day, instead of asking (or only asking), “What grade did you get? What did you learn today?” We should be asking, “ What nice thing did you do for someone today?” Not only do we need to model kindness, but we need to reflect on kindness and praise kindness in conversations with our children.
No wonder the Yavneh Chesed team is essential! And, what a perfect week to launch the 2020-21 Yavneh Academy Chesed Team! This week’s parashat hashavua features Avraham Avinu- Ish Chesed- known for his chesed to all. And, his welcoming the angels despite recovering from surgery showed how nothing could keep him away from exercising those chesed muscles.
Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, in Alei Shor, page 91, discusses the connection between chesed and yirah- awe/fear of G-d as noted in the Gemara in Sukkah 49b. They do not seem to connect at all! Rabbi Wolbe says they both challenge a person to realize the he/she is not the only one in this world
There is one root in the soul to both of these attributes. There are those who see beyond themselves, and there are others who do not see anything beyond themselves. The one who sees only himself is only able to feel that which he is lacking, and therefore he lives only for his own benefit. One who doesn’t notice others is incapable of seeing a person in need, nor will he take note of his Creator.
Someone who is selfish and egocentric cannot see others nor can he “see” G-d. Both yirah and chesed can only be achieved if a person can see beyond himself.
As we sadly heard of the passing of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, zt’l, just this past Shabbat, it is fitting to end with his words about achieving true joy. In his article “The Pursuit of Joy” he asserts that unlike Aristotle, who stated that happiness is the ultimate goal to which humans aspire, Judaism does not think it so. Simcha- joy is a central value of Judaism, which is not happiness. Rabbi Sacks continues to point out that happiness is the state of an individual. Simcha- joy “is never about individuals... It is always something we share...It has to do with a sense of connection to other people and or to God. It comes from a different realm than happiness… It is the exhilaration we feel when we merge with others...The pursuit of happiness can lead, ultimately, to self-regard and indifference to the suffering of others...Not so, joy. Joy connects us to others and to God.” The only way to lead our children from the path of selfishness and self-regard to the path of joy is by exercising those chesed muscles!
When we started the Chesed team three years ago I maintained that it was similar to other teams- the students got t-shirts, had chesed meets and here I add they also get much needed exercise... of their chesed muscles!
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students began learning how to schedule their evenings and prioritize.
Seventh Grade: Students began implementing the skills of empathy by delving more into the plight of the homeless as individuals.
Eighth Grade: Students had a “How Are You Doing” lesson with a chance to discuss how 8th grade was going for them.
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