Adolescence Can Be Wonderful!

 

On Tisha B’av I paid for membership for the website Aleph Beta to watch some timely videos fitting the spirit of the day. Ever since then I have become a Rabbi David Forhman groupie. Each erev Shabbat, as I cook, I watch his videos.  While each week provides unique insights to the parasha, this week provided some unique insights to the adolescent years.  (Yes, I am constantly looking at things through the lens of material for this column!) 

While speaking of the death of Sarah Rabbi Fohrman quotes Rav Soloveitchik.  The Rav looks at the words “100 years, 20 years, 7 years” as describing Sarah’s age of death in his book Abraham’s Journey -Reflections of the Founding Patriarch . Most people pass through the stages in life- childhood, adolescence and adulthood and none of these stages can coexist. But, Sarah had the ability to do so- she was 100, while she was 20, while she was 7.

 “Youth represents idealism.  The young are committed unconditionally.  They arrogantly defy the world. Abraham, like Sarah, was youth all his life; he defied society of which he was a part...Sarah was both child and old woman...one must also thank G-d in a childlike manner, in the vocabulary of a youngster whose feelings are not subdued.  Even the greatest must not hide their excitement, their wonderful state of mind.  They should rejoice aloud as if they were children.” 

Rabbi Forhman continues “One way to go through the stages of life is to experience them in succession, to live each stage for what it is, and then to leave it behind and experience the next one.  That’s the ordinary way to go through life. But, there’s another way to go through life, an extraordinary way.  It’s the way Sarah did it, you don’t just passively travel through life’s stages, discarding the past for the more pressing priorities of the present. No, you build as you go; you take each stage with you as you encounter the next one.” So, when you are twenty, you keep the innocence, exuberance and curiosity of age 7.  When you are an adult, you don’t leave the teenage passion for independence behind. “So  you’re an adult and you pay your bills on time...But you're able to pause sometimes , as you eat lunch outdoors, to examine a ladybug on a blade of grass and be overcome with childlike wonder. You put your kids to bed on time, yes. But occasionally, you get swept up in a wild pillow fight with your children, and to their delight (and yours), allow yourself to forget, if only for the moment, that it’s way past bedtime.”

The best way to live life is by bringing all your earlier selves with you. If only we could bring the wonderful qualities of our younger years with us throughout our lives.  Think about who you were as an adolescent.   If only you took some of who you were then with you to your life today.  

Now, who would want to bring the qualities of adolescence along as he/she goes through life? Isn’t adolescence a time of struggle?  I was then considering we spend much time as parents dreading the onset of adolescence.  We have heard so much about the rebelliousness, the risk taking, the desire to leave their parents for the company of friends etc. But how about all the wonderful quality traits of adolescence?  The passion, the independence, the idealism, the ability to defy society to do what you feel is right, the excitement?  

As someone who has spent the past 25 years as a professional working with and teaching adolescents, adolescents can be wonderful and are truly amazing!  It is incredible to watch their opinions evolve  as they develop the ability to truly think.  The discussions you have with your teen are like no other as they can finally truly discuss with you.  It is truly exhilarating to teach them in a classroom as they deeply consider what you are teaching and contemplate how they can apply it to their own lives. You can relate to them on a more adult level. Teens can share a laugh with you as they develop a sophisticated sense of humor. Teens are not yet jaded and believe all is possible.  They therefore are creative as they do not believe that any of their efforts are stoppable.   And, while risk-taking can have a negative connotation, they are also willing to take risks to try something new and go where no one has gone before.  Teenagers can be enthusiastic and more passionate than any of the adults around us. For those of us parenting teens, it is wonderful when your teenager becomes one of your friends.  And, there is nothing better when you can share clothes, or a movie or any interests! 

So, for those of us who are just encountering the teenage years and raising our first adolescents-  it can be wonderful!  While we do spend much time discussing the difficulties of going through adolescence and parenting adolescents, let us not scare ourselves out of truly enjoying them. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed how to manage their time despite distractions. 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed some of the real economic demands of living in today’s Jewish community and how the community supports those in need. 

Eighth Grade: Students contemplated- why do good? (And, the answer is not “Just for our high school applications!”)