Whenever there is a break from school I put aside some time to clean an area of my house that needs some work. (Yes, I don’t really know how to relax!) This time, I spent some time in my basement. I came across a small book written by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin called Thank You. What are the chances of my coming across a book about gratitude during Thanksgiving weekend? G-d was clearly telling me to read it. (And, He was, of course, providing me with material for my column this week!)
Rabbi Pliskin speaks about the benefits of gratitude for happiness, self-esteem and contentment. These assertions are substantiated by the research which I have previously quoted in this column that gratitude leads to higher levels of both emotional and physical well-being.
Rabbi Pliskin discusses why gratitude is hard for some. Interestingly enough, there is research that points out that gratitude is specifically difficult for teenagers. Adina Soclof, in her article “There’s A Reason Your Teen Is Totally Ungrateful” quotes a research study by Professor Jeffrey Froh at Hofstra University on gratitude and unselfish behavior in middle school and high school students. A similar study was done previously on college students in the University of California. These college students were asked to keep a gratitude journal where they listed daily things in their lives for which they were grateful. As anticipated, the college students reported an increase in happiness and gratefulness. But, the results with middle school and high school students were different and their happiness did not increase nor did their ability to be grateful.
There are some practical reasons why this is the case. Perhaps the teens felt forced by their teachers to write these journals and felt manipulated. Or they had “gratitude fatigue” as they wrote the same list day after day without the insight of older students.
Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman in the Newsweek article “Why Counting Blessings Is So Hard for Teenagers” provide another explanation :
Parents and teachers need to recognize that being grateful, and being a teenager, are often diametrically opposed. To be a teenager—in the classic sense—means expressing a fundamental desire to individuate from one’s family. This is not unhealthy behavior; it’s completely normal. They are soon to be independent adults, and they need to take themselves for test-drives. Pushing parents away, and wanting things to be none of your business, and exhibiting total ignorance of all you’ve done for them, are all behaviors that conjure independence. Asking them to be grateful—and wishing they’d be more aware of how their success is due to you—is difficult for them to feel at the same time as they’re trying to get out from under your thumb. Thus grateful teenagers are rare, not the norm... Their lack of gratitude might be the way they maintain the illusion that they are in control of their own lives.”
At this age when teens are thirsting for independence, maybe realizing that they were indebted to others is disconcerting to them. We, therefore, need to work even harder as parents of teens to work on teaching them gratitude skills. During adolescence, “[they] may have put [your values] in cold storage…but they’re there and they will reappear in time.”
One chapter in Rabbi Pliskin’s book is entitled “Keep Your Main Focus On What your Children Do Right.” If we want our children to be grateful and demonstrate gratitude we clearly need to teach them. It is normal and natural for children to show a lack of gratitude, but we need to be careful not to “reinforce a self-concept of being ungrateful.” We need to spend more time pointing out when they are grateful than when they are ungrateful. Instead of constantly saying to a child, “I can’t believe you were so ungrateful,” say something like “This would be a great opportunity for you to show how grateful you are for how you benefited…”
Interestingly enough, just yesterday I read in psychologist’s Sarah Radcliffe’s book Raising Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice a similar idea. Radcliffe stresses the importance of using positive tools to discipline. She presents three positive tools. Tool #1 is the Comment. When we comment on a child’s positive behavior they are prone to do it again. But, if we comment on their negative behavior, they are also prone to do it again as well. We therefore try to not give attention to negative behaviors. There are three types of positive comments: acknowledgment, appreciation and praise. (Read her book for more details!)
Radcliffe then speaks about the 2nd positive tool in addition to the comment- the label. Children absorb our labels into their self-concept. So, if we label our child “lazy” he will eventually absorb that label into how he feels about himself and even act lazy. “What do you want from me- I’m lazy?!” Labels like kind, generous, patient etc. can be used when praising or when correcting a behavior. The rule of thumb is to use the exact opposite of the word you feel inclined to say! (Instead of “lazy”, say the positive quality you need to see- “making more effort”). So, instead of saying “I can’t believe you didn’t clean up the food I gave you. You are so ungrateful!!!” you might say, “I wish you would have cleaned up the food I gave you. I need you to show more gratitude.” Next time we call out to our children after noticing the leftover Chinese sitting all over the table, through commenting and labeling positively they realize that they can be grateful beings.
It is difficult as parents when we are too agitated at the “ungrateful” mess our children have left to relay the importance of gratitude. Sometimes when we call out to them, we are not in the mood to reinforce the positive! Mrs. Shira Smiles, in her article “Genuinely Grateful” discusses why Leah, in yesterday’s parashat hashavua, calls her son “Yehuda” from the word “thanks.” She quotes the book Letitcha Elyon citing Rav M. A. Stern, “A mother calls her son many times during the course of a day. Each time Leah would call Yehuda, his name would again evoke those feelings of gratitude she had felt at his birth, thereby maintaining a continuous stream of gratitude for Hashem’s kindness to her.” While we haven’t literally named all our children Yehuda, I do believe that this strategy can work. If we stop and think about how grateful we are for our children, then perhaps we can stop to highlight the positive that we know is in them. .
As we get closer to Chanukah and the receiving of gifts, I feel the need to mention the lost art of thank you notes. I know that many don’t send thank you notes anymore, but I do believe that a way to have children stop and think about how grateful they are is to have them write an old-fashioned thank you note. Even if they type it on a computer, you are relaying the message to them that you want them to show gratitude. And, even though it may be an annoyance to them, we know how much happier and healthier they will be if they are truly grateful and they take the time to notice that they are!
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Sixth graders spent some time reviewing what progress reports look like, what they can expect and setting goals for the coming semester.
Seventh Grade; Students learned about how the issues they are discussing impact on the Jewish community.
Eighth Grade: Pre- the JSAT test students prepared for what to expect and test-taking strategies for life.
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