Sunday, October 29, 2017

The Key To Unspoiling

This week I had the privilege of studying with my daughters for their Chumash and Navi tests.  This privilege was not bequeathed upon me because I worked hard for my Masters in Jewish Education and have spent many years teaching Tanach.  I was granted this honor because I’m a mom- as simple as that.    


Those of you who know me or have been reading my column for some years know that I am constantly on alert for material for my weekly column.   While studying both Chumash and Navi the same theme appeared and I took that as I sign that that topic was meant to be part of this week’s column.


One daughter was learning Melachim I 1:5.  These pesukim tell the story of Adoniyahu’s attempt to usurp the kingship from his half brother Shlomo in Dovid HaMelech’s old age.  It describes Adoniyahu as “Mitnaseh” “exalted himself.” And, it says in Pasuk 6, “And his father had not angered him all his days saying,’Why have you done so?’” The Radak pasuk 5 describes how Adoniyahu thought he should be king because he was better looking than his brothers “and he said in his heart that his father loved him more than his other brothers because he never rebuked him and never angered him and therefore he said, ‘I will be king.’” It struck me that this is a child who somehow grew up spoiled, leading to his rebellion.


Later in the week, I encountered Shemot 32:31 where Moshe Rabbeinu approaches Hashem after the Cheit HaEgel- sin of the golden calf, begging for forgiveness.  Rashi on the words, “a god of gold” quotes a Gemara in Berachot 32a that Moshe is saying to Hashem, “It was You who caused them to sin, for you lavished upon them gold and whatever they desired. What should they have done so as not sin? It is like a parable of a king who gave his son to eat and drink, dressed him up, hung a coin purse on his neck, and stationed him at the entrance of a brothel.  What can the son do so as not to sin?”  In essence, Moshe is telling Hashem, “You spoiled them- that is why they sinned.”  


Two sources related to over-indulging our children. Now, either I was getting a message relaying the topic of my weekly column or telling me that my own children are spoiled and I need to do something about it!


As parents, we often consider whether we are spoiling our kids. They no longer have to walk miles in the snow to school like we did in the “olden days” (or at least our parents had to).  They don’t have after-school jobs or need to pay their way.  If they have a test we will clean their rooms for them so they can focus on studying.   Am I the only parent spoiling my children? Or are all American children spoiled?


An article in The New Yorker  2012 article “Spoiled Rotten-  Why Do Kids Rule the Roost?”,  by Elizabeth Kolbert attempts to answer these questions. In 2004, Caroline Izuierdo, an anthropologist at the University of California, lived for some months with the Matsigenka tribe in the Peruvian Amazon. She particularly note the behavior of a six year old girl who made herself useful (without being asked) by sweeping the sand off the sleeping mats twice a day, stacking the kapashi leaves for transport, and fishing for crustaceans- and cleaning, boiling and serving them.  


She compared this behavior to those of children in the anthropological study she was doing at home in Los Angeles. No children in the L.A. families did chores without being asked. “Often, the kids had to be begged to attempt the simplest tasks; often they still refused. In one fairly typical encounter, a father asked his eight year old son five times to please go take a bath or a shower.  After the fifth plea went unheeded, the father picked the boy up and carried him into the bathroom. A few minutes later, the kid, still unwashed, wandered into another room to play a video game… In another representative encounter, an eighter year old girl sat down at the dining table.  Finding that no silverware had been laid out for her, she demanded, ‘How am I supposed to eat?’ Although she clearly knew where the silverware was kept, her father got up to get it for her.”  In another incident, a boy who could clearly tie his own shoes demanded his father do it for him.


In comparing the girl from the Matsigenka tribe to the children in Los Angeles, and the significant difference in childhood responsibility, we need to ask, why is it that the six year old girl helps her parents so much and in LA  it is the parents who are helping  their children?   American children may be the most indulged in history. They have been given too much “stuff” and have been  “granted unprecedented authority.”  Instead of children striving for their parents approval, parents seek approval from their children.  ⅔ of American parents believe their children are spoiled.  This spoiling trend may explain why adult children seem to have a prolonged “adultescence,” as stated by Sally Koslow in her book Slouching Toward Adulthood: Observations From The Not-So- Empty Nest. She says that our children live in “a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.”


So, what do we need to do to “unspoil” our children?
1.  In other cultures they believe “ignoring children is good for them.”  We practice too much “helicopter parenting” where we hover over them at all times.
2. At times, we just need to say, “No” which we don’t say often enough. Limits- including the music they listen to, their technology use, the food they eat, and even the friends with whom they associate (which needs to be more subtly implemented as they get older).
3. We must never excuse their rude behavior.
4. We need to follow through on discipline. We often say there will be some consequence, but we do not carry out the consequence.
5.  We should allow them to be self-sufficient. Reinforce their independence.
6. We cannot be afraid to disappoint.
7. Let them work for what they want.
6.They need to help out more at home and do more chores, as the Kolbert’s article highlights.  In a Braun research study only 28% of parents regularly assign chores to their children, even though 82% said they grew up doing chores.


Why do we resist having our children do more chores?  As Kolbert notes, when she first asked her son to take out the garbage he did not close the lid tightly, which attracted a bear and she spent the next morning collecting refuse. Sometimes we just don’t have the time to have our children help. It is easier to do it ourselves.  We are also fearful of damaging our relationships with them.  We don't want to constantly nag them.  We at times feel guilty asking them to help, as they are so busy with their work and extracurricular activities.


Children who do chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification.  Data collected over 25 years by Marty Rossman of University of Mississippi determined that starting chores at the age 3 or 4 lead to the subjects’ success in their mid-20s. Those children who started chores at a young age understood the importance of contributing to their families, had a greater sense of empathy, were better adjusted, had better relationships with friends and family and were more successful in their careers as adults.  “The best predictor of young adults’ success in their mid-20’s was that they participated in household tasks when they were three or four.”


The good news is we are in good company.  Both Dovid HaMelech and Hakadosh Baruch Hu “spoiled” their children (k’vayachol) (as some interpret the pesukim). It is never too late to “unspoil” our children.  (I’ll let you know how it goes in my house!)


Advisory Update


Sixth Grade:  Students learned how google classroom is an important tool for time management.


Seventh Grade:  Students finished a unit on communication skills and teamwork by focusing on effective listening.


Eighth Grade-  Some groups focused on interview skills this week, while others experienced a lesson on sexual harassment and teens as related to current events.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Peer Influence And Adolescence

As the chagim season has passed and real life returns, school has begun in earnest. For those of us who have 8th graders, the high school application process is on our minds. We will spend the next months at Open Houses, interviews, visit days and helping our children fill out their applications. Some of us are already sure as to what high school is the best fit for our children. Others of us can see our children in more than one school.  How do we decide?  


In 2015, I mentioned a fascinating article in my column from a 2012 New York Magazine  article, "Why You Truly Never Leave High School” by Jennifer Senior.  I had originally referred to this article as I had just attended my high school reunion and thought about whom I had become.   Ever since I discovered that article, as I shmooze with eighth graders and their parents about their choices, I think about its content.

Senior describes how the high school years make a significant impact on the development of a person.  "Give a grown adult a series of random prompts and cues, and odds are he or she will recall a disproportionate number of memories from adolescence." This phenomenon is called "reminiscence bump" - suggesting that memories from ages 15-25 are most vividly retained.   Interestingly enough, in the research, these years until recently were not given enough credit.   For many years, researchers believed that ages 0-3 were the essential years, and beyond that it was "tweaking." Laurence Steinberg, a developmental psychologist at Temple University asserts, "If you're interested in making sure kids learn a lot in school, yes, intervening in early childhood is the time to do it.  But, if you're interested in how people become who they are, so much is going on in the adolescent years."  So, how do we choose a school that will ensure they become whom they are meant to be?

Steinberg points out that our preferences in life are often based on those adolescent years.  For example, "No matter how old you are, the music you listen to for the rest of your life is probably what you listened to when you were an adolescent."  In choosing a school, we want to make sure they will be surrounded by the values that will impact on them throughout their lives.  This speaks to the faculty and mission of the school of choice.  


Neuroscience explains why this is.  As I've mentioned before in this column, just before adolescence the prefrontal cortex begins to rapidly develop. This area of the brain governs our ability to "reason, grasp abstractions, control impulses and self- reflect"- all of which are intellectual skills needed to develop an identity.  "Any cultural stimuli we are exposed to during puberty, can, therefore, make more of an impression, because we're now perceiving them discerningly and metacognitively as things to sweep into our self- concepts or reject.  'During times when your identity is in transition,' says Steinberg, it's possible you store memories better than you do in times of stability.'"  

There are a number of other neurological changes in adolescence that make this time period in life so impactful. One such change is that there is more dopamine activity during this time period than during any other time of life.  This causes everything an adolescent feels to be more intense.

To make this all even more "intense"  psychologists Joseph and Claudia Worrell Allen point out in their book Escaping The Endless Adolescence, that a century ago when adolescents did not continue on to high school and worked in factories or farms they spent their days alongside adults during these tenuous years.  Now, "teens live in a biosphere of their own" as they spend only 16 hours per week with adults and 60 with their peers (and even more in Yeshivot).  Then students create their own hierarchies and divisions based on what they deem important- clothes, looks, sports ability. It is easy to be labeled in this environment. According to researcher Bene Brown, 90% of adults interviewed said "their unwanted identities and labels started during their tweens and teens." And, whatever strategies we gain to fight those feelings during the high school years, we generally will use for life.  


This component speaks to the importance of the peer group in choosing a high school. While we stress to the students that one does not choose a high school based on where one’s friends are going, one does choose a high school based on peers in this “biosphere” that will exert a positive influence on one’s spiritual and academic development.  


In my mind, this is the key component in choosing a high school.  We all throw around the term “peer pressure” as if it is overused. When it comes to teens, it is the crux of their existence. But, in essence, it can be positive and negative.  We hope our children will make the choice to surround themselves by positive peer pressure.  In choosing a high school we must consider, where can my child find that positive peer pressure?


We all know that peer/social influence impacts a teen more as they are less able to control impulses, think ahead, and are less focused on the possible risks of decisions they make.  A research study funded by the National Institute on Drug Abuse demonstrated that the number of risks teens took in playing a driving video game more than doubled when their friends were watching as compared to when they played alone.  This finding is quite obvious to those of us who live with teens.   


What is new is the influence of the technology, and particularly the internet, on peer pressure.  On one hand, the internet has helped some overcome peer pressure by speaking their minds. On the other hand,  it has become more difficult to keep our teens away from negative peer influences.  Research shows that teens who spend a significant amount of time on social media are more prone to see photos of their friends drinking or engaging in undesirable behaviors.  The National Center on Addictions and Substance Abuse released statistics that teens who saw images of partying were four times mere likely to have used marijuana, more than three times more likely to have used alcohol and almost three times more likely to have used tobacco.  Social media amplifies the peer pressure they feel.  They simply cannot escape the digital peer pressure. They are constantly searching for acceptance and have the need to show off.  

In a shiur about peer pressure that I have delivered in the past to teens, I begin with this humorous comic:


Interestingly enough, despite there being only two people on earth, Adam succumbed to peer pressure.  Noach, on the other hand, as we read in this week’s parasha
תָּמִ֥ים הָיָ֖ה בְּדֹֽרֹתָ֑יו אֶת־הָֽאֱלֹקים הִתְהַלֶּךְ־נֹֽחַ”  “... he was perfect in his generations; Noah walked with God”  Despite the behavior of his generation, he was able to be “perfect” and walk with Hashem, ignoring the path of others.  This brings to mind Shlomo HaMelech’s words in Mishlei 13:20,
הֹלֵ֣וךְ הוֹלֵ֣ךְ אֶת־חֲכָמִ֣ים וֶחְכָּ֑ם יֶחְכָּ֑ם וְרֹעֶ֖ה כְסִילִ֣ים יֵרֽוֹעַ:
He who goes with the wise will become wise, but he who befriends the fools will be broken. Noach chose to walk with God- who better could he “befriend”?


True, no matter what school we choose there will be positive and negative influences.  Our ultimate goal is to teach our children to resist the negative and seek out the positive, even in the face of extreme pressure to do otherwise.  But, we definitely need to be mindful that the school we choose needs to be a “biosphere” where they befriend peers who will help our children grow.


Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade-  Students began a Time Management unit and are learning the importance of balancing one’s time and prioritizing one’s assignments.


Seventh Grade- Students learned the skills of active listening and its importance in communication and relationships.

Eighth Grade-  Students began to focus on skills needed for an interview.