A Thankful Chanukah Of Rededication

  I happen to be the number one Ishay Ribo fan. (No exaggeration!)  For those of you who haven’t heard of Ishay Ribo he is an Israeli singer who has taken the Jewish music world by storm, as he has inspired both the secular and Charedi communities with his Jewish inspirational lyrics set to a “modern” music style.  

When listening to Ishay Ribo on Spotify you inevitably bump into musicians who either sing with him or have a similar musical style.  I came across a song by Omer Adam, who is not religious, but will not perform on Shabbat.  When I found his song Modeh Ani, I could relate to its lyrics and decided to bring it into my Navi/Beur Tefillah class that I teach the 8th grade girls.  

In the class I periodically try to connect what we are learning in Navi (Melachim 1) to something in davening.  We had been learning about Dovid HaMelech at the end of his life and were considering how difficult Dovid’s life was. From King Shaul trying to kill him, to the rebellion of his son Avshalom...the list goes on and on.  We discussed how Dovid was able to turn to Hashem, as he was known as נעים זמירות ישראל- The sweet singer of Israel, as he composed Tehillim.  How was he able to trust in Hashem despite all that was going on around him? 

We then took a moment to look at the Tefillah we say each morning Modeh Ani.  For what are we thankful? What if we are going through tough times, are we still thankful? 

We then looked at the lyrics of Omer Adam’s song (here they are in English, and here is a link to the song if you’d like to listen). 

מודה אני

Omer Adam

I offer thanks to you each morning

For restoring my soul to me

Thank you for the life that covers me

Warms me like a flame

That protects me from the cold

You're there 1 and believe in me

 

I offer thanks each morning

For the present moment and for the light

Thank you for the generous pale gold 2

You have placed on my table

To feed my children

You protect, you are great

 

For my joys and my smiles

I thank you

For my talents

And for my songs

They are all for you

Know that, know that

 

I thank you my king

I cry to you, my G-d, oh my G-d 4

 

To you I call

To you, my life

To you, my heart 5

I thank you

 

To you I call 6

To you I call

 

I offer thanks each morning

For the love of my father, of my mother

Thank you for the rain that waters the trees

Of my fields, for being the guardian 7

Of our lives of our destinies

For the day of rest 8

 

I thank you

For the success, for being here

For being happy sometimes

Know that, know that

I thank you, my G-d

I cry to you, my G-d, oh my G-d

 

To you I call

 

To you, my life

To you, my heart

I thank you

 

To you I call

To you I call

 

Come, let us sing joyously to the Lord

Raise a shout for our Rock and deliverer

Let us come into His presence with praise

let us raise a shout for Him in song9

 

For all my failures

I thank you

For all my sorrows

The obstacles too

It's all for my own good

In my heart I know it

I thank you

 

I cry to you, my G-d, oh my G-d

 

To you I call

 

To you, my life

To you, my heart

I thank you

 

To you I call

To you I call

We spoke about the paragraph I bolded towards the bottom of the song. 

 

על כל כישלונותיי מודה אני

על אכזבותיי פחדיי ומכשוליי

הם כולם לטובתי

אין אחר בליבי רק לך מודה אני

For all my failures

I thank you

For all my sorrows, my fears

The obstacles too

They are all for my own good

There is not another in my heart, only to You

I thank you

 

Why do we thank Hashem for our failures, sorrows, fears and obstacles?  They were not at all pleasant nor am I grateful for them?!?  Because “they are all for my own good.”  I then asked them to look back at earlier in the song at a paragraph above  where he thanks Hashem על כל כשרונותי- for all my talents and his music. I pointed out the girls how the words כל כישרונותי- all my talents sound very similar to  - כל כשלונותי - all my failures (and we thank Hashem for both).  When I asked why he used some similar language,  a student stated (go Daphna!)  because we often learn from our experience of failure which leads to our talents and progress.  Often our failures are for our own good. And, therefore, we  need to thank Hashem for those as well. 

As Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  We need to learn from our failures and see them as valuable learning experiences rather than using them as excuses to quit.  Failure is a part of the process to success. F.A.I.L.- first attempt in learning. 

As we leave Thanksgiving we need to be thankful for our failures and difficulties as well.  That is what having a growth mindset is all about.  Growth mindset, a term developed by Dr. Carol Dweck, is when a person believes that hard work, perseverance and learning from mistakes gives him the ability to learn, grow and gain skills. Often, people have a fixed mindset where they believe that intelligence is innate and unchangeable. Children with a fixed mindset see failure as permanent and are less likely to persist in the face of challenge. Children with growth mindsets believe that through practice and effort they can gain skills. Failure is actually seen as a chance to learn and they embrace challenges. In fact, studies show that children with growth mindsets show a greater brain response than those with a fixed mindset and they consequently improve their performance. 

How can we teach our children to be thankful for failure?  In “7 Ways To Teach Kids Failure Is A Great Thing”  Rebecca Louick suggests some strategies. 

Step 1- Focus on a Growth Mindset.  Talk about how failure helps you grow! 

Step 2- Allow our children to fail. Often we want to run in and save them and prevent failure,  forgetting that failure is good for them. 

Step 3- Celebrate failure!  Louick speaks about encouraging kids to brag about their mistakes. She even suggests something called “Failure Fridays” - one day a week when you read about someone who failed. Highlight their failures and even give them a high five! 

Step 4- Speak to them about “The Learning Pit” which  is when we are in the pit of uncertainty and that helps us learn. I think this photo says it all. 

 

Step 5-  Explain the brain science of how failure actually helps them grow their brains.  And, the harder something is to learn, the longer it stays in their brains. 

Step 6- Speak about “Failing Forward”- learning from their errors. After they fail (of course after being compassionate)  ask them “What did you learn from this?” “What would you do differently next time?” 

Step 7- Help them be mindful when confronting failure,  and recognize and accept their feelings.  Michelle McDonald’s RAIN technique for mindfulness is helpful for our children to employ when facing failure:

 

 

 

R-Recognize what is happening (“What is happening in this moment? How am I feeling?” “Where do I feel it in my body?”)

Example: “I’m so mad at myself for failing my spelling test. I want to cry.”

A-Allow life to be just as it is (“I can let the thoughts or feelings just be here. Even if I don’t like it.”)

Example: “I am mad and I feel like crying. It’s uncomfortable but I can allow myself to feel this way.”

I-Investigate with kindness (“Why do I feel this way?” “Is it really true?”)

Example: “I notice I’m also a little disappointed in myself too, not just mad. I’m wondering why? Maybe it’s because I think I could have studied more.”

N-Non-Identification (“I am having a thought or emotion, but I am not that thought or emotion.”)

Example: “I can have angry and disappointed feelings without being those feelings. I am bigger than how I feel at this moment.”

I once read somewhere- how many of us recall when the first dedication of the Beit HaMikdash took place?  Not too many. (It happens in Melachim 1 8:2, so hopefully my students remember it was on Sukkot during the time of Shlomo HaMelech!) .  But, everyone remembers when the Beit HaMikdash was rededicated- during the time of Chanukah. Chanukah is the holiday of rededication. Despite failure, or challenges, we wipe ourselves off and try again.  We all fail at some time in our lives, and Chanukah is the chag of rededication and resiliency.  And, even the miracle of the oil is a lesson in how to cope with failure. The maccabees could have said, “Only one small jug- it will never even last beyond a day- why even bother?!?”  In the face of failure they decided to not give up.  After all, it is all from Hashem,  for our benefit, and He is there for us. 

 Thanksgiving leading right into Chanukah reinforces the importance of being thankful for failure,  recognizing that it is all from Hashem and for the good. 

 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed Bar/ Bat Mitzvah behavior and how to support the baal simcha.

Seventh Grade: Students learned the steps of empathy.

Eighth Grade: Students discussed being thankful and how it relates to what experienced during Covid. 

 

 

 

Compassionate Curiosity

  As we all finished a day of parent- teacher conferences we hopefully had a few moments to get some nachat and brainstorm where areas of improvement were still needed. I hope you felt that your child’s teachers were rooting for him/her and that you were truly partners. 

Last Shabbat I had the privilege of hearing Rav Gav Friedman.  For those who have never heard him before, he is quite entertaining and you laugh with your full heart. He spoke about “Rachel Imeinu” moments.  He reminded us of the famous midrash that of all the patriarchs and matriarchs, G-d listened only to Rachel when the Jews were exiled,  and promised to return them in the merit of her giving over her signs to her sister Leah to marry Yaakov.  He described that when Rachel gave these signs to her sister, little did she know that she would change the history of the entire Jewish people and allow for the entire nation to return to the land of Israel.  This one moment in time changed the future of an entire nation. 

He continued to share how small choices we make every day can change the future of individuals and generations.  Rav Gav told a number of stories, but one story stood out to me as an educator. He told of a young boy in a Jewish sleepaway camp, we will call him Dovid,  who truly shined in his daily “shiur” classes.  Dovid was so out of the ordinary, that his learning Rebbe took some moments to write a letter to his parents, (in the days before e-mail).  The Rebbe wrote that he had rarely ever met someone like Dovid and continued to describe the love of Torah and the insights that he shared each day.  The Rebbe noted that he was sure that Dovid would one day become a great Torah scholar and leader.  Years later, after Dovid was already an adult and a true leader in the Jewish community, his father passed away. Rav Gav revealed that after he died, when his “Tachrichim” (burial clothes) were put on, his regular clothing was collected and in the pocket of his jacket was found that letter from the camp rebbe from over 25 years ago.  Dovid’s father carried that note in his pocket each day for 25 years, as it meant so much to him.  Little did that camp rebbe know what an impact that note would make on Dovid’s parents,  and how much it would mean to them.  What took him just moments to write, truly was life- changing. 

While Rav Gav continued to assert that little actions we all make can make a difference, my mind reverted back to the story of that note.  Each year at parent teacher conferences our teachers need to keep that story in mind. What we deem as a passing comment to a parent can make quite an impact- positively and negatively. 

The same goes for how we speak to our students. Students never forget the way a teacher speaks to them, even and especially if they are not doing well in school. That small comment, which to the teacher is just a moment in time, can be everlasting to a student. Before I speak to a student, I weigh every word.  

On this past Election Day faculty meeting I gave a workshop to middle school teachers on how to find the perfect balance between supporting and coddling students.  I discussed the importance of approaching each child with compassionate curiosity. As Amanda Morin wrote in her article, How to Show Empathy to Your Students With Compassionate Curiosity, compassionate curiosity is “a practice that asks teachers to act as non-judgmental investigators so they can better understand students. It’s an important first step in learning to respond to your students with empathy.” So, when a student doesn’t do her homework,  instead of asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?!?” You might ask, “What makes it hard to do your homework?  What can we do to make it easier for you? Tell me more about why you weren’t able to do it?” 

The first example of this compassionate curiosity was found in Hashem’s reaction to Adam and Chava’s sin.  After their sin in Bereishit 3:9 it says, 

טוַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:

And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"

Of course, Hashem knew exactly where Adam was and what he had done. But, there as the first teacher, G-d  modelled for us compassionate curiosity. Ask first to find out more before you judge. 

I then discussed an article with the teachers written by Sophie Riegel called Making Assumptions -You never know what is going on in someone else's mind. (I actually show our students a clip from Sophie Riegel as she spends time explaining what it is like to live with anxiety and OCD as she does). In this article, she educates teachers to never make assumptions. Just because a child is smiling does not mean she is happy, for example.  Or just because a child does not do her homework, does not mean she doesn’t care. 

“So how can we not assume? Well, the most important thing to do is to be curious. Ask questions. Ask “how are you feeling?” instead of assuming that someone is feeling a certain way. Ask “what can I do to be helpful?” instead of assuming that what you are doing is helpful. Try to keep in mind that you never know what is going on in someone else’s mind. And always remember Ellen DeGeneres’s famous words: “You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.” 

We have so much power as teachers to inspire a child or to demoralize them.  As parents, we have the same power. If we were to record our interactions with our children would we sound compassionately curious or judgemental and impatient?  Children are more likely to listen to what we are saying, even if we are correcting their behavior, in a firm, yet calm voice.  Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that children who experienced harsh verbal discipline were more likely to be depressed, have behavioral problems and exhibit antisocial behavior.  And, of course, the more respectful you speak to your child, the more respectful he will speak to you.  

We should never make assumptions… or better yet, maybe there is one assumption we are allowed to make about our children, (as teachers and parents).  That assumption is that they do really want to do the right thing. They do want to please.  Something is standing in their way and we need to help them find it.   

That’s what we at Yavneh Academy are here for.  We are here to partner with you to help every one of your children shine. We want them to graduate Yavneh glowing with the supportive and encouraging words they heard from our teachers.  And, if your children are struggling, we are here to put our heads together, with compassionate curiosity and without judgement,  to help them grow. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed how to decide what behavior is appropriate in the classroom setting. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed “bullying” in sports. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed what the JSAT will be like and how to make the most use of the school visit days.

"In Flow" And "All-in" At Frost Valley

      I just returned from Frost  Valley with our 7th graders.  We had a truly memorable time! Each year before they leave, we prep them with what clothing to take. We spend time hearing about their worries regarding rooming.  But, an aspect of the trip which has been new in the past few years is their reaction to being told they cannot use their phones on the trip. I can personally testify that there really isn’t reception ANYWHERE on campus, except for in one location.  But, they still want to have their phones to use in that building, to watch movies or listen to music they have downloaded, to use on the bus trips back and forth and of course, to take photos.  “What! We won’t be able to take photos of each other?!?!?!?!” I did remind them that Walgreens and  CVS sell disposable cameras :)!  But, they asked,  “Why”?

I explained to them that with phones constantly in their hands they cannot really enjoy the trip. If at every moment they are glued to their phones, they cannot appreciate the pure bonding time with friends.  (And, between us, the constant selfies often lead to hurt feelings when only certain people are in your selfie and others are never in that photo). Not all agreed.  

 I thought of  a piece I recently read in the book Unlocking Greatness  by Charlie Harary, from which I quoted earlier in the year.  Harary refers to the research of psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian Holocaust survivor, who said there are two types of experiences: ones that are autotelic and ones that are exotelic.  Auto means “Self”  and telic is “goal” or “purpose.”   An autotelic experience is when you engage in the activity for its “intrinsic purpose” - for the sake of the activity itself.  But, if you are engaging in an activity for an external reward, that is an exotelic experience.  Harary gives an example. If your children are playing ball in the backyard, they are playing because it is just fun. Not to be cool or not to get praised, or to get an athletic scholarship. The playing itself is the reward. And, when they are playing nothing distracts them, as they are totally engrossed. But, when doing their homework they are only doing it to do well in school, or get good grades.  They do it, but probably do not enjoy it.  They can be easily distracted.  That is exotelic.  

Csikszentmihalyi found that people involved in an autotelic activity “enter a state of mind where they are connected to the experience at a much deeper level...We are, as he says, in flow:  a state of concentration or complete absorption with the activity at hand.” Exotelic experiences feel meaningless as you do them just because you have to. 

But, the key to his research was that you can bring an autotelic mindset even to activities you don’t enjoy doing. It is a state of mind you can bring to everything you do. But, you must be fully engaged.  The more fully engaged you become in something you are doing, “the engagement itself will make that activity more enjoyable” and fulfilling.  You will get in the flow. 

We need to be fully present and that is the key to being happier during the tasks we do not enjoy. Being present is the key to making tasks autotelic and to success.  Doing something without being fully present lowers the enjoyment of the task.

Similar research on the topic of multitasking  (when they are not fully connected to each activity) showed that when people multitask their IQ scores go down.   MRIs of multi-taskers on multiple devices indicated that they had less brain density in the anterior cingulate cortex- the area of the brain responsible for  cognitive and emotional control.  Research on working moms find that they often have lower levels of happiness than nonparents as when they are with their children they are constantly multitasking and aren't present. They felt rushed and distracted- constantly. Research indicated that if they could be more present they would enjoy their children more.  

Practically speaking, we cannot just drop everything on our plate. But, Harary stresses that whatever we are doing we should be “all-in” even if it means for just 20 minute increments. If you are speaking to your child- you are all-in and nothing else is going on. If you are exercising- all-in. If you are doing work for your job- all-in.   

In Bereishit 18:2, Avraham gets a visit from the three angels.  Rashi points out, quoting Bereishit Rabba,  why there were three angels: 

והנה שלשה אנשים: אחד לבשר את שרה ואחד להפוך את סדום ואחד לרפאות את אברהם, שאין מלאך אחד עושה שתי שליחיות

and behold, three men: One to bring the news [of Isaac’s birth] to Sarah, and one to overturn Sodom, and one to heal Abraham, for one angel does not perform two errands (Gen. Rabbah 50:2).

I found an anonymous online commentary on the Chabad of Greenwich website which asks, why this is an important piece of information for the midrash to point out about the angels- that they can only each do one “shlichut” “errand”? Why would Rashi point out a handicap of the angels? 

Perhaps it's because it's not a handicap. Perhaps this is the secret to the angels' power. Perhaps Rashi tells us about the angels as a critique of the human condition. Perhaps he is telling us that although we will never be able to achieve the goal completely, we should lose the ability to multitask. 

The angel cannot do more than one thing at a time because the angel identifies with the task completely. The angel has no other dimension to his personality other than fulfilling God's mission; no personal name, no personal agenda, no personal ego, to get in the way. At this moment he is nothing but the task. As such he cannot perform two acts simultaneously, as it's impossible to be, fully, in two places at once.

(Don’t you wish you were an angel?)

And, that brings us to the phones.  It is impossible to be “all-in” when we are constantly distracted by our phones. The goal of Frost Valley is to be “all-in” to appreciate and grow from the activities and the bonding time.  We also wanted them to truly enjoy- which can only be achieved when they are “all-in.”  

This week in Advisory we will be debriefing the trip with the 7th graders and speaking about what they gained. As part of this debrief they fill out a survey in which one of the questions is “What did you think about the experience of having no phone? Was it difficult for you? What were some of the negatives of not having a phone? The positives? How did it impact on the program?”  A few years ago, the first year we did not allow phones,  I wrote about the incredible impact not having phones had on the students. That was the first year I asked that question in their survey.    (See that column here along with the incredible responses to the survey that year).  In that column I quoted Rabbi Larry Rothwachs and his experience when in Morasha they did not allow phones: ...they interacted with each other, “in ways that, not all that long ago, were considered normal human behaviors. They sat around, at times for long periods on end, and looked up and forward, rather than down and away… But, most importantly, they looked at each other.  Not a passing glance here and there; they really looked at each other. They spoke with one another and interacted with nature and with the world around them, without the constant distraction of chirps, buzzes, beeps and the powerful allure of those glaring screens that so often hijack our attention.” 

 I can personally testify, again, that it truly did make a difference.  After our debrief in Advisory this week,   I will let you know if the students agreed. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students learned about basic manners and etiquette. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed communication skills.

Eighth Grade:  Students considered all their qualities and talents that make them special- in addition to school, and filled out their “self-evaluation” forms with extra-curriculars in which they are involved.