I just returned from Frost Valley with our 7th graders. We had a truly memorable time! Each year before they leave, we prep them with what clothing to take. We spend time hearing about their worries regarding rooming. But, an aspect of the trip which has been new in the past few years is their reaction to being told they cannot use their phones on the trip. I can personally testify that there really isn’t reception ANYWHERE on campus, except for in one location. But, they still want to have their phones to use in that building, to watch movies or listen to music they have downloaded, to use on the bus trips back and forth and of course, to take photos. “What! We won’t be able to take photos of each other?!?!?!?!” I did remind them that Walgreens and CVS sell disposable cameras :)! But, they asked, “Why”?
I explained to them that with phones constantly in their hands they cannot really enjoy the trip. If at every moment they are glued to their phones, they cannot appreciate the pure bonding time with friends. (And, between us, the constant selfies often lead to hurt feelings when only certain people are in your selfie and others are never in that photo). Not all agreed.
I thought of a piece I recently read in the book Unlocking Greatness by Charlie Harary, from which I quoted earlier in the year. Harary refers to the research of psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian Holocaust survivor, who said there are two types of experiences: ones that are autotelic and ones that are exotelic. Auto means “Self” and telic is “goal” or “purpose.” An autotelic experience is when you engage in the activity for its “intrinsic purpose” - for the sake of the activity itself. But, if you are engaging in an activity for an external reward, that is an exotelic experience. Harary gives an example. If your children are playing ball in the backyard, they are playing because it is just fun. Not to be cool or not to get praised, or to get an athletic scholarship. The playing itself is the reward. And, when they are playing nothing distracts them, as they are totally engrossed. But, when doing their homework they are only doing it to do well in school, or get good grades. They do it, but probably do not enjoy it. They can be easily distracted. That is exotelic.
Csikszentmihalyi found that people involved in an autotelic activity “enter a state of mind where they are connected to the experience at a much deeper level...We are, as he says, in flow: a state of concentration or complete absorption with the activity at hand.” Exotelic experiences feel meaningless as you do them just because you have to.
But, the key to his research was that you can bring an autotelic mindset even to activities you don’t enjoy doing. It is a state of mind you can bring to everything you do. But, you must be fully engaged. The more fully engaged you become in something you are doing, “the engagement itself will make that activity more enjoyable” and fulfilling. You will get in the flow.
We need to be fully present and that is the key to being happier during the tasks we do not enjoy. Being present is the key to making tasks autotelic and to success. Doing something without being fully present lowers the enjoyment of the task.
Similar research on the topic of multitasking (when they are not fully connected to each activity) showed that when people multitask their IQ scores go down. MRIs of multi-taskers on multiple devices indicated that they had less brain density in the anterior cingulate cortex- the area of the brain responsible for cognitive and emotional control. Research on working moms find that they often have lower levels of happiness than nonparents as when they are with their children they are constantly multitasking and aren't present. They felt rushed and distracted- constantly. Research indicated that if they could be more present they would enjoy their children more.
Practically speaking, we cannot just drop everything on our plate. But, Harary stresses that whatever we are doing we should be “all-in” even if it means for just 20 minute increments. If you are speaking to your child- you are all-in and nothing else is going on. If you are exercising- all-in. If you are doing work for your job- all-in.
In Bereishit 18:2, Avraham gets a visit from the three angels. Rashi points out, quoting Bereishit Rabba, why there were three angels:
והנה שלשה אנשים: אחד לבשר את שרה ואחד להפוך את סדום ואחד לרפאות את אברהם, שאין מלאך אחד עושה שתי שליחיות
and behold, three men: One to bring the news [of Isaac’s birth] to Sarah, and one to overturn Sodom, and one to heal Abraham, for one angel does not perform two errands (Gen. Rabbah 50:2).
I found an anonymous online commentary on the Chabad of Greenwich website which asks, why this is an important piece of information for the midrash to point out about the angels- that they can only each do one “shlichut” “errand”? Why would Rashi point out a handicap of the angels?
Perhaps it's because it's not a handicap. Perhaps this is the secret to the angels' power. Perhaps Rashi tells us about the angels as a critique of the human condition. Perhaps he is telling us that although we will never be able to achieve the goal completely, we should lose the ability to multitask.
The angel cannot do more than one thing at a time because the angel identifies with the task completely. The angel has no other dimension to his personality other than fulfilling God's mission; no personal name, no personal agenda, no personal ego, to get in the way. At this moment he is nothing but the task. As such he cannot perform two acts simultaneously, as it's impossible to be, fully, in two places at once.
(Don’t you wish you were an angel?)
And, that brings us to the phones. It is impossible to be “all-in” when we are constantly distracted by our phones. The goal of Frost Valley is to be “all-in” to appreciate and grow from the activities and the bonding time. We also wanted them to truly enjoy- which can only be achieved when they are “all-in.”
This week in Advisory we will be debriefing the trip with the 7th graders and speaking about what they gained. As part of this debrief they fill out a survey in which one of the questions is “What did you think about the experience of having no phone? Was it difficult for you? What were some of the negatives of not having a phone? The positives? How did it impact on the program?” A few years ago, the first year we did not allow phones, I wrote about the incredible impact not having phones had on the students. That was the first year I asked that question in their survey. (See that column here along with the incredible responses to the survey that year). In that column I quoted Rabbi Larry Rothwachs and his experience when in Morasha they did not allow phones: ...they interacted with each other, “in ways that, not all that long ago, were considered normal human behaviors. They sat around, at times for long periods on end, and looked up and forward, rather than down and away… But, most importantly, they looked at each other. Not a passing glance here and there; they really looked at each other. They spoke with one another and interacted with nature and with the world around them, without the constant distraction of chirps, buzzes, beeps and the powerful allure of those glaring screens that so often hijack our attention.”
I can personally testify, again, that it truly did make a difference. After our debrief in Advisory this week, I will let you know if the students agreed.
Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade: Students learned about basic manners and etiquette.
Seventh Grade: Students discussed communication skills.
Eighth Grade: Students considered all their qualities and talents that make them special- in addition to school, and filled out their “self-evaluation” forms with extra-curriculars in which they are involved.
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