Bergen County Yeshivot Unite

On Asarah B’Tevet, January 7, approximately 430 8th graders joined together, (boys at Ben Porat Yosef and girls at Moriah),  as part of the joint middle school initiative Screening Our Future.  For those who have been following, you will recall that the heads of school of the local Bergen county yeshivot joined together on a joint statement regarding device usage which was accompanied by a “public service” video featuring all our heads of school.  This partnership was followed by a community-wide viewing of the film Screenagers to which approximately 1000 parents came. I recall noticing that evening how the number of seats was not sufficient and they quickly set up more and more chairs.  Looking around the room I spied a number of shul rabbis in the audience, showing their support for the initiative.  While this was my 3rd time seeing the film, I knew I too had to be there to show support.

This community-wide evening was followed by our heads of school encouraging the guidance staff from each middle school to plan the next steps, i.e. now that the parents got the message, how do we get the message to the children? The heads of school wanted to show the movie to the students but left it to us to plan.  First, we wanted to get some data from the students regarding their device usage. Only about ½ of the students responded to the pre-event survey.   (Clearly, only certain students responded to this anonymous survey. We have no way of knowing which schools they were from as we did not collect their e-mail addresses). These are the questions we asked them:

Do your parents place limits on screen use? 76 students said yes. 94 students said no.  Less than half of the respondents agreed with the limits their parents placed on them. But, more kids said that they do not think it would be helpful for their parents to place limits on their use.  This was in important question for us to ask as the film featured a mother, Dr. Delaney Ruston,  (who also happens to be the director of the film), whose daughter Tessa was begging for a smartphone. Once the parents finally agree, they did create a contract (based on Janell Burley Hoffman’s contract with her son, who was in the film and presented at Yavneh at the beginning of the year), with clear limitations for their daughter.  

When asked, “How much time do you spend on screens daily?” (Note, in the Screenagers video, it quoted research that teens spend about 6 ½ hours a day on their devices), students’ answers ranged from 30 minutes to 6 hours. (One child answered six trillion hours).  Most students did seem to indicate it was in the 2-3 hours range.

When asked, “Is your cellphone distracting while doing schoolwork?” 45 said yes and 132 said no.  And, then when asked, “ Do you feel you can effectively multi-task when completing schoolwork or studying?” 119 said yes and 46 no. These questions were essential as a segment of the film highlighted how we cannot truly multitask even though we feel we can. And, simply having our cellphones on our desks- even if we do not look at them, can be distracting and lower grades/scores on tests according to the research. 

We then decided that we wanted the students to feel that they were part of something bigger than themselves to become inspired to join this important, community- changing endeavor.  We wanted the students to enter the viewing of the film with the right frame of mind.  Rabbi Beni Krohn’s introduction to the girls and Rabbi Yaakov Glasser’s introduction to the boys were meant to inspire them to truly consider and take on this universal challenge.  

After viewing the film, the students split into groups with students from all the schools mixed together. I was at the girls’ location.  It was nice to see the girls greeting friends from the neighborhood or camp who go to one of the other schools. It the discussion groups, I think the students were wary at first to sit with people they did not know but seemed to understand the importance of the mix.  Each school provided facilitators for the program. Students were asked to think about one practical strategy they can implement to limit their technology use/ distraction. We ended the program by giving out phone sacs for them to put their phones in when they do not want to be distracted by them that said, "Take a break. Your phone can wait," with all the names of the schools listed. 

To provide you with an inside view of how these discussion groups went and some interesting insights the students shared, I followed up with both the facilitators and the students to hear more about what was on their minds.  Here is some of what we heard from facilitators (in their words!) : (NOTE: Facilitators shared the views of some of the students in their groups. This in no way reflects all the students at the event). 

“The discussion was good. It was fascinating to see how little restrictions kids have with their phones, whether it be timing or content, like a filter, etc. The most fascinating point to me was that all the students were genuinely concerned about what they would do with their time if they didn’t have their phones, which I think is an area we can help them with.”

“Mixing the groups was a good idea. I found that all the girls were ‘the same’. It didn't matter which school you were from, they all had the same responses and issues.”

“Students were quite surprised by all the neurological research presented in the film- that the constant stimulation does affect the teenage developing brain permanently, and that the teenage brain is not yet ready to set the limits needed.” 

“The students really thought they could multi-task and be on their phones while doing work. The brain research really shocked them.” 

“I think the students enjoyed being mixed with other schools and it was quite educational to see the different school cultures.” 

“The one fact that all the girls discussed and agreed about was that their moms are on their phones texting, emailing and talking all the time. They wondered why they have to have all these rules but their moms do not.” 

“I learned that most students keep their phones in their rooms at night.”

“Some students noted, ‘Why should I care if my parents don't care’”

“The students all agreed that the cell phone was a distraction at certain times.”

“They had friends or other kids in mind who they felt were "addicted" to their phones.”

“Many found their own balance but would be open to discussing healthier phone use.”

“Many felt having parents monitor or restrict their phone usage was crazy.”

Here are some quotes from our students after the event:

“I thought that the scenarios shown were very extreme but in general, the movie had many valid lessons and it really showed how addictive your phone can be.”

When students were asked what they thought the most important point of the movie was some responses were:

“The putting it down to study part”

“When the child got a phone with a contract showing that technology is good but only if we handle it well”

“Sending bad pictures to people can really ruin your life.”

“If you use it too much it will take over your brain and your grades will go down”

“Keeping restrictions on how much your phone is used”

           

Some takeaways in their words:

“If you use too much technology you might become depressed”

“That some people spread too much of their lives on social media and I shouldn’t”

“You should have a balance”

“To be on my phone less”

            When asked what they thought about joining with other schools, some responded:

“Fun to see my friends on a school day”

“It was good to see a lot more schools involved- that it’s not just us”

“I feel like the schools shouldn’t be the ones limiting your phone, it should be you. But the fact that so many other schools came showed that they really care about their students.”

I think that last quote says it all.  In truth, we are trying to raise students who can eventually set their own limits on themselves. We know that our setting the limits as parents or teachers is to help them during this time in their lives, as the movie describes, when their brain is still developing and they may not yet have the neurological ability to always make good choices and set good limits.  At the end of the day, while they may be frustrated by the limits we set, they know it is because we “really care” about our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed appropriate student behaviors and expectations.

Seventh Grade: Students finished up their Operation Respect Unit on empathy.

Eighth Grade: Students confronted current events of racism and anti- Semitism and discussed what they can do in their own lives to stand up to these issues.

Mindset And Rejection Reactions

          In 7th grade, we have a unit in Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping with Adversity in Life.”  We begin with a quiz.  Who is this?  “He ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time.” .... Abraham Lincoln.  “His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”.... Dr. Seuss. “ As a baseball player, he struck out more than any player in the history of baseball: 1,330 times.”... Babe Ruth.  Why were these famous people able to continue despite failure and rejection? What was their secret? 

We later speak about the story of Jim Marshall, a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings relates. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television!        

It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”  Dr. Carole Dweck speaks about Jim Marshall’s triumph in her book Mindset.  We discuss that after a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship. 

            We hope that our students can recall these inspiring stories and the skills they learned when facing that big week in February when they hear from their high schools.  This week, in our 8th grade Advisory, we will be discussing how to react when that acceptance you were expecting does not arrive.  We purposely discuss this issue in January when no one has yet heard so it is not painful for anyone. 

            What are some of the skills we teach our children to implement when faced with rejection?  We ask them to think about the difference between these two fictional characters:

A.            “The Prince is never going to choose me unless I get all the other girls  to stay home from the ball. Even my ragged stepsister looks better than me. My dress is not fancy enough, and this nose of mine is too big. He’ll probably pick a girl from some wealthy family. Why am I even bothering to go! I’ll just have to push everyone off the  dance floor so he only sees me!”  (Cinderella’s stepsister)

B.            “ The criminals killed my family, and are destroying Gotham City. I have plenty of resources and I am not going to stand by and watch this happen. I’ll do something about it. Sure, I am only one person, but if I can create an image, a character whose winged black cape and mask will strike fear in the hearts of evil-doers, I know I can make a difference” (Batman)

How is Batman’s attitude different from Cinderella’s stepsister?  Batman is more upbeat/positive/optimistic while Cinderalla’s stepsister is more negative and pessimistic. Upbeat thinking versus downers. Then we bring it home. 

 You have been waiting anxiously for that high school acceptance letter to arrive. You always, as long as you could remember, wanted to go to the Ezra Academy. February 15^th arrives. You rush home and rip open the letter. You were waitlisted.                

How is it possible to have upbeat thinking when it comes to such a painful rejection?  We discuss with the students that we can utilize positive self-talk. Positive self-talk is exactly what it sounds like- talking to yourself-telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is sort of what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself. 

In Vayikra 14:34 it speaks of the plague of tzaraat: “When you come to the land of Canaan, which I am giving you as a possession, and I place a lesion of tzara'ath upon a house in the land of your possession.”

Why stress that you get tzaraat in the land Hashem has given you as a gift (possession)? This is no gift!  Rashi, quoting the Midrash,  tells us that “This is [good] news for them that lesions of tzara’ath will come upon them, (Torath Kohanim 14:75), because the Amorites had hidden away treasures of gold inside the walls of their houses during the entire forty years that the Israelites were in the desert, and through the lesion, he will demolish the house (see verses 43-45) and find them. — [Vayikra Rabbah 17:6] “ In essence, ever “plague” is a treasure to be uncovered. While we cannot always determine what happens to us, we can determine how we react. 

We as parents can help guide them with some additional strategies. (See my column last year on some additional ideas, along with a summary of what we cover in Advisory on the topic of high school acceptances- 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Uxn-xTrv-ZaiuAMromUFLhWIZ2fTnMn185-Rz5qgp_s/edit?usp=sharing).  

I want to focus this year more on Dr. Carole Dweck’s mindset theories and how we can help our children face rejection.  Dr. Dweck theory is famous for her research that people either have a “growth mindset” - where people believe that traits are changeable, or “fixed mindset”s where they believe that traits cannot change.  She had found that people with fixed mindsets constantly judge themselves and see outcomes as proof of whether or not they are competent. So, if a child gets a bad grade with a fixed mindset, he will say, “I am not smart.”  People with growth mindsets would not see the bad grade as evidence of who they are but rather as evidence of what they can improve and overcome

Does this idea hold true when it comes to rejection?  Doctoral student Lauren Howe conducted a study with Dr. Dweck on romantic rejection, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.  “ Focusing on romantic rejection, which can be especially potent in threatening the self, they predicted that those with fixed mindsets would take rejection as proof that they are flawed or undesirable. They predicted these people would start to question who they are and carry this emotional baggage with them into the future, stalling their recovery. Growth mindset people, the researchers guessed, wouldn’t see the experience as reflective of their worth….They found that people who endorsed more of a fixed mindset felt worse, both generally and about themselves specifically, after being rejected. Stronger beliefs about personality being fixed also predicted more fear about being rejected again and greater distress when reminiscing. These people typically didn’t take positive lessons away from the experience; they simply wished it had never happened….” And, overall,  people with fixed mindsets responded more severely than people with growth mindsets.

But the most important thing to keep in mind is Dr. Dweck’s research-based assertion that people can change and learn to have a growth mindset. “I think a lot of us have a gut instinct to question ourselves in the face of rejection,” Howe said, “but we’ll be better off pausing and taking a moment to think about what happened that wasn’t about us. What were the situational factors that might have led to this outcome?”  Yes, wouldn’t it be ideal if we can raise our children, reinforce and model growth mindsets with our children? Let us help them step back from their thoughts when faced with rejection and realize they are just thoughts and not facts about who they are. “I am not smart enough.” “ I am not good enough.”    Let us help them move away from those thoughts. We can help them: 

a.            Become aware of your fixed mindset.

b.            Affirm your power to change your mindset

c.             Find a growth-mindset thought to substitute for that fixed mindset thought.

d.            Then do something that reflects your growth mindset.  

Please note, I do bold the above sentences, as it relates to high school rejections as well. We need to reinforce with our children that rejections are not necessarily about us. One person’s or one school’s opinion or one event should never define who we are. Our self- worth should never depend on what others think of us. Rejection should never be an indication of our self-worth. 

Last year, I discussed the importance of Emunah in facing rejection. I want to reiterate that there is also a benefit of stressing that sometimes things are meant to be. Beverly Flaxington, a career coach quoted in the article, “The Secrets of Dealing With Rejection According To The Experts,’ states, “Sometimes we are meant to add to our experiences and go in another direction, sometimes we are meant to reinvent ourselves and sometimes we are meant to put something to the side and say goodbye to it forever.” 

And,  sometimes we are, as Beth Kissileff in her article “Mastering Rejection” noted, ”If you didn't get into your first-choice school—and maybe not your second or third either—it's okay to spend some time feeling a bit low. It happened to me. I cried in my history classroom after I was ‘denied’ by my first and second choice schools. My teacher, Mr. Sokolow, offered some wisdom that has remained with me ever since: ‘Do the best you can with what you have.’ “ As Rabbi Berel Wein quotes a popular Hebrew express “זה מה שיש”- this is the reality of the situation we have before us.  We can hold on to our growth mindsets and we can move on and succeed. 

Or course, this is all after we have empathized with our children and have shared with them that we know how painful rejection is. I close again with Emunah and belief that this is the path that was meant for us.  But, more importantly, we can remind our children, as Menucha Levin writes in her article,  “Learning to Face Rejection,”  “You must remember there is Someone who will never reject you, no matter what happens. Your Father in heaven will never turn you away, and you can turn to Him always.

As King David, personally familiar with the bitterness of rejection, says in Psalms: ‘For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but G‑d gathers me in.’

May He always watch over you, little girl (or boy), as you set forth on your own journey through life, with all of the challenges that lie in store.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: As part of their “Hey Dude, Don’t Be Rude” unit students focus on appropriate classroom behaviors.

Seventh Grade:  Students are wrapping up their unit empathy with a discussion of how members of our Jewish community also struggle financially and how the community steps forward to help.

Eighth Grade: Students focused on current events and how the racism and Anti-Semitism they are hearing about the news speaks about the importance of being upstanders and not bystanders.