Mindset And Rejection Reactions

          In 7th grade, we have a unit in Advisory called “When Life Gives You Lemons- Coping with Adversity in Life.”  We begin with a quiz.  Who is this?  “He ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time.” .... Abraham Lincoln.  “His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”.... Dr. Seuss. “ As a baseball player, he struck out more than any player in the history of baseball: 1,330 times.”... Babe Ruth.  Why were these famous people able to continue despite failure and rejection? What was their secret? 

We later speak about the story of Jim Marshall, a former defensive player for the Minnesota Vikings relates. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall spotted the football on the ground. He scooped it up and ran for a touchdown as the crowd cheered. But he ran the wrong way. He scored for the wrong team and on national television!        

It was the most devastating moment of his life. The shame was overpowering. But during halftime, he thought, “If you make a mistake, you got to make it right. I realized I had a choice. I could sit in my misery or I could do something about it.” Pulling himself together for the second half, he played some of his best football ever and contributed to his team's victory.”  Dr. Carole Dweck speaks about Jim Marshall’s triumph in her book Mindset.  We discuss that after a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the “I”- I have the choice to grow or sink under hardship. 

            We hope that our students can recall these inspiring stories and the skills they learned when facing that big week in February when they hear from their high schools.  This week, in our 8th grade Advisory, we will be discussing how to react when that acceptance you were expecting does not arrive.  We purposely discuss this issue in January when no one has yet heard so it is not painful for anyone. 

            What are some of the skills we teach our children to implement when faced with rejection?  We ask them to think about the difference between these two fictional characters:

A.            “The Prince is never going to choose me unless I get all the other girls  to stay home from the ball. Even my ragged stepsister looks better than me. My dress is not fancy enough, and this nose of mine is too big. He’ll probably pick a girl from some wealthy family. Why am I even bothering to go! I’ll just have to push everyone off the  dance floor so he only sees me!”  (Cinderella’s stepsister)

B.            “ The criminals killed my family, and are destroying Gotham City. I have plenty of resources and I am not going to stand by and watch this happen. I’ll do something about it. Sure, I am only one person, but if I can create an image, a character whose winged black cape and mask will strike fear in the hearts of evil-doers, I know I can make a difference” (Batman)

How is Batman’s attitude different from Cinderella’s stepsister?  Batman is more upbeat/positive/optimistic while Cinderalla’s stepsister is more negative and pessimistic. Upbeat thinking versus downers. Then we bring it home. 

 You have been waiting anxiously for that high school acceptance letter to arrive. You always, as long as you could remember, wanted to go to the Ezra Academy. February 15^th arrives. You rush home and rip open the letter. You were waitlisted.                

How is it possible to have upbeat thinking when it comes to such a painful rejection?  We discuss with the students that we can utilize positive self-talk. Positive self-talk is exactly what it sounds like- talking to yourself-telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is sort of what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself. 

In Vayikra 14:34 it speaks of the plague of tzaraat: “When you come to the land of Canaan, which I am giving you as a possession, and I place a lesion of tzara'ath upon a house in the land of your possession.”

Why stress that you get tzaraat in the land Hashem has given you as a gift (possession)? This is no gift!  Rashi, quoting the Midrash,  tells us that “This is [good] news for them that lesions of tzara’ath will come upon them, (Torath Kohanim 14:75), because the Amorites had hidden away treasures of gold inside the walls of their houses during the entire forty years that the Israelites were in the desert, and through the lesion, he will demolish the house (see verses 43-45) and find them. — [Vayikra Rabbah 17:6] “ In essence, ever “plague” is a treasure to be uncovered. While we cannot always determine what happens to us, we can determine how we react. 

We as parents can help guide them with some additional strategies. (See my column last year on some additional ideas, along with a summary of what we cover in Advisory on the topic of high school acceptances- 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Uxn-xTrv-ZaiuAMromUFLhWIZ2fTnMn185-Rz5qgp_s/edit?usp=sharing).  

I want to focus this year more on Dr. Carole Dweck’s mindset theories and how we can help our children face rejection.  Dr. Dweck theory is famous for her research that people either have a “growth mindset” - where people believe that traits are changeable, or “fixed mindset”s where they believe that traits cannot change.  She had found that people with fixed mindsets constantly judge themselves and see outcomes as proof of whether or not they are competent. So, if a child gets a bad grade with a fixed mindset, he will say, “I am not smart.”  People with growth mindsets would not see the bad grade as evidence of who they are but rather as evidence of what they can improve and overcome

Does this idea hold true when it comes to rejection?  Doctoral student Lauren Howe conducted a study with Dr. Dweck on romantic rejection, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.  “ Focusing on romantic rejection, which can be especially potent in threatening the self, they predicted that those with fixed mindsets would take rejection as proof that they are flawed or undesirable. They predicted these people would start to question who they are and carry this emotional baggage with them into the future, stalling their recovery. Growth mindset people, the researchers guessed, wouldn’t see the experience as reflective of their worth….They found that people who endorsed more of a fixed mindset felt worse, both generally and about themselves specifically, after being rejected. Stronger beliefs about personality being fixed also predicted more fear about being rejected again and greater distress when reminiscing. These people typically didn’t take positive lessons away from the experience; they simply wished it had never happened….” And, overall,  people with fixed mindsets responded more severely than people with growth mindsets.

But the most important thing to keep in mind is Dr. Dweck’s research-based assertion that people can change and learn to have a growth mindset. “I think a lot of us have a gut instinct to question ourselves in the face of rejection,” Howe said, “but we’ll be better off pausing and taking a moment to think about what happened that wasn’t about us. What were the situational factors that might have led to this outcome?”  Yes, wouldn’t it be ideal if we can raise our children, reinforce and model growth mindsets with our children? Let us help them step back from their thoughts when faced with rejection and realize they are just thoughts and not facts about who they are. “I am not smart enough.” “ I am not good enough.”    Let us help them move away from those thoughts. We can help them: 

a.            Become aware of your fixed mindset.

b.            Affirm your power to change your mindset

c.             Find a growth-mindset thought to substitute for that fixed mindset thought.

d.            Then do something that reflects your growth mindset.  

Please note, I do bold the above sentences, as it relates to high school rejections as well. We need to reinforce with our children that rejections are not necessarily about us. One person’s or one school’s opinion or one event should never define who we are. Our self- worth should never depend on what others think of us. Rejection should never be an indication of our self-worth. 

Last year, I discussed the importance of Emunah in facing rejection. I want to reiterate that there is also a benefit of stressing that sometimes things are meant to be. Beverly Flaxington, a career coach quoted in the article, “The Secrets of Dealing With Rejection According To The Experts,’ states, “Sometimes we are meant to add to our experiences and go in another direction, sometimes we are meant to reinvent ourselves and sometimes we are meant to put something to the side and say goodbye to it forever.” 

And,  sometimes we are, as Beth Kissileff in her article “Mastering Rejection” noted, ”If you didn't get into your first-choice school—and maybe not your second or third either—it's okay to spend some time feeling a bit low. It happened to me. I cried in my history classroom after I was ‘denied’ by my first and second choice schools. My teacher, Mr. Sokolow, offered some wisdom that has remained with me ever since: ‘Do the best you can with what you have.’ “ As Rabbi Berel Wein quotes a popular Hebrew express “זה מה שיש”- this is the reality of the situation we have before us.  We can hold on to our growth mindsets and we can move on and succeed. 

Or course, this is all after we have empathized with our children and have shared with them that we know how painful rejection is. I close again with Emunah and belief that this is the path that was meant for us.  But, more importantly, we can remind our children, as Menucha Levin writes in her article,  “Learning to Face Rejection,”  “You must remember there is Someone who will never reject you, no matter what happens. Your Father in heaven will never turn you away, and you can turn to Him always.

As King David, personally familiar with the bitterness of rejection, says in Psalms: ‘For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but G‑d gathers me in.’

May He always watch over you, little girl (or boy), as you set forth on your own journey through life, with all of the challenges that lie in store.”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: As part of their “Hey Dude, Don’t Be Rude” unit students focus on appropriate classroom behaviors.

Seventh Grade:  Students are wrapping up their unit empathy with a discussion of how members of our Jewish community also struggle financially and how the community steps forward to help.

Eighth Grade: Students focused on current events and how the racism and Anti-Semitism they are hearing about the news speaks about the importance of being upstanders and not bystanders.