BFFs and Cliques- Necessary Evils?

This week, our 7^th graders engaged in internet safety training workshops conducted by Mr. Mark DeBenedictis, an Adaptive Computer Specialist who specializes in internet safety workshops for all ages. His engaging manner succeeded in creating a dialogue in class where students felt comfortable asking questions and discussing the dangers they have already confronted on the internet. (Our sixth and eighth graders will have their workshops next week, so stay tuned for more details in next week's column).

One “warning” he discussed with the students was the dangers of giving one's password to another. He couched this warning in humor as he turned to the girls and said, “And, girls, I know how it goes. I have a teenage girl at home. One week you're someone's BFF and the next week you are not even talking to each other. You give your password to someone who's you're friend one day, but the next day, when she is angry, she can use that password for revenge.” The girls laughed knowingly and said, “That's so true!”

The drama of middle school friendships among girls varies with each child, and is not as stressful for all our girls. But, for many of our young ladies it is. As our sixth grade parents will recall, last week's Advisory topic for girls was about “when friends fight” and how to manage those instances of girl fighting. Some of those fights are really “relational bullying” where friendship is actually used as a weapon. The way girls gain power, says Rachel Simmons, (author of Odd Girl Out- The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls), is by forming close friendships. By gossiping, sharing secrets, and even just shooting a “look” at another girl they can become aggressive. The silent treatment and body language are two other common weapons girls use.

And, then there are the cliques. Girls form these groups to feel included, but inadvertantly may cause others to feel excluded. It is also essential to have a “best friend.” Simmons highlights that girls send the message “I have power over you , because I could take my friendship away.” It is difficult to call a friend out on bullying behavior because she is a friend. Worse still, girls are afraid to tell a friend who hurt them how they feel as they are worried they will lose the friendship.

Lest we feel totally dejected, relationships are positive as well. Simmons points out that “Relationships are one of girls’ most important classrooms. Relationships are where girls learn the skills to express their needs, accommodate others, and take healthy risks, among other lessons.” These relationships are rehearsals for adult relationships and loyalty. Girls also need and benefit from their friends as they turn to them for support and comfort.

What can we do as parents when we see our daughter caught in the relational web?

1. As always, empathize and listen (even when the soap opera to which you are listening sounds ridiculous!) Ask guiding questions “Why do you think she said that?” “What would you do differently if you could do it again?” Help guide her to find solutions.
2. We relay to her that although one must treat everyone with respect, it is okay not be friends with everyone, especially someone who does not treat you well or does not treat others well. Perhaps one should question whether this friendship is positive if she leaves with hurt feelings too often.
3. Let her know that it is also okay to be angry. No one deserved to be treated like she was.
4. Don't over-react. The more calm we are, the less the drama takes hold.
5. Talk to the school. If your daughter interacts with this girl in school, and the problem is not a passing one, enlist our help.
6. Dr. Irene Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup WithYour Best Friend, recommends that you strike the phrase “best friend” from your vocabulary. Girls have a dream of a lifelong friend, which is unrealistic, rare and sets them up for disappointment.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
   I do find that most definitely when girls are in the sixth grade they are still willing to share all their friendship woes with their parents. As parents we should take advantage of that willingness.  I tend to see a change in 7^th and 8^th grade as the girls are in general more inclined to try to solve their problems independently. That is normal, but does necessitate our antennaes being up more often. We may not know why our daughter is suddenly unhappy, and not getting the calls from that BFF anymore. But, that is our chance to tread lightly, but ask. We cannot help unless we ask. We also cannot detect whether a friendship has actually become toxic or even dangerous for our daugther unless we ask. 

Judaism's Girl Power!

Today's girls face significant pressure. They are at higher risk for depression, eating disorders and even suicide. Dr. Stephen Hinshaw, in his book The Triple Bind- *Be Pretty, Sweet and Nice * Be Athletic, Competitive and Get Straight A's,* Be Impossibly Perfect sums it all up in his title. Dr. Hinshaw informally refers to the above triple bind as having three elements.

1. “Be good at all of the traditional girl stuff.”
2. “Be good at most of the traditional guy stuff.”
3. “Conform to a narrow, unrealistic set of standards that allows for no alternative.”

1. Be good at all of the traditional girl stuff.  Listed amongst these skills are being pretty, nice, having empathy, being cooperative, having relationships and making sure to please everyone- parents, peer and teachers. All of this at the risk of subduing what she really wants or needs. A mainstay of this expectation is body image. Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair. co-author of Full of Ourselves -- A Wellness Program to Advance Girl Power, Health, and Leadership, asserts "You can't talk about a girl's sense of herself without talking about her body image. By middle school, for the vast majority of girls, who they are and what they look like is inextricably intertwined.” The increasing sexualization of girls in society, which our community most definitely feels as well, compounds the pressure.
2. Be good at most of the traditional guy stuff.  Girls are now expected to get straight A's, be super-athletes, be assertive or even aggressive to win at all costs.
3. Conform to a narrow, unrealistic set of standards that allows for no alternative. “At first glance, you might think that a girl was free to become anything she chooses. Look a little closer, though, and you’ll see that whatever else she may decide, she must also always be sexy, thin, pretty; have either a great boyfriend or a husband and kids; and be wildly successful at her career.”

What is the secret to combating these pressures? Dr. Hinshaw speaks of the importance of helping them learn to listen to their “internalized” voice- the “self-talk” that we teach our students in Advisory. What messages are you sending yourself? Which ones are realistic? Are you telling yourself that it is okay to make mistakes? We also help them think critically about the images bombarding them in the media and the culture around them. Aside from the computer-enhanced imaging they learn about in Advisory, we also speak to them about “What is true beauty? Are the people they see in the media truly happy?”

Most importantly, we focus on strengthening their self-image. All the research indicates that the way to strengthen our girls against eating disorders is not education about the disorders, nor is it a class about healthy eating. Rather, it is consistent discussion (which we proudly do in Advisory for boys and girls) and sending the message of how to strengthen that self-image.

For girls, there often is an additional element of the focus upon what it means to be a girl or a woman in today's world. Otherwise known as “girl-power!” We do this by at times having separate- gendered Advisory. As Jewish women, our girls need to have the additional understanding of what it means to be a Jewish woman in today's world. That was the goal of our new “Girls-Only Torah Learning Chug (club)” that I started last week. I opened the Chug to 7^th and 8^th grade girls and had an overwhelming response. Once a week the girls signed up will daven together followed by our group. The topics that we came up with were (not necessarily in this order): 1.Girls and bris? 2. Women and torah learning 3. Women and tefillah. 4. Mechitza 5. Mitzvot special for women. 6. Woman prophetesses. 7. Famous Jewish women who changed Jewish history. 8.Relationships 9. Women in the Talmud- example: Bruriah, 10. Kol Isha 11. Creation of woman

12. שלא עשני אשה
13. חכמת נשים בנתה ביתה
14. בזכות נשים צדקניות נגאלו אבותינו ממצרים.

It is no wonder I am so excited about the time I will spend with the girls hearing their insights and helping them gain the perspective to be proud of who they are as Jewish women. As a psychologist and as a Judaic Studies teacher I revel in the idea that through the Torah our girls will develop stronger self- images and become more resilient to the pressure of the triple -bind.

Super Bowl Halftime Lessons

A number have people have asked me if I am writing another Super Bowl column this year highlighting some lessons for life that we can learn from the Super Bowl. This year, I have chosen to write a Super Bowl halftime column. This began when I first heard that a Yeshiva in Sderot was offering an alternative to the halftime show. They were asking that when people host their Super Bowl parties, they should ask their guests to bring some tzedakah money. They created a DVD to show at halftime about the Yeshiva to encourage donations. I then heard that Yeshiva University was offering a “Torah alternative” to watch during halftime. The YU Torah Halftime Show was a series of three 8 minute presentations on "Torah and Sports". Clearly there were enough people who felt that the halftime show was not “appropriate.”

That led me to thinking about the commercials during the Super Bowl. An organization called “Common Sense Media” writes about this issue. Common Sense Media is an organization which informs parents about the media they consume. (It's a great resource to check out the appropriateness of a movie!) “There's only one thing that can upstage Tom Brady throwing a 50-yard touchdown pass: a supermodel getting her naked body painted by Jillian Michaels. That's what Internet domain registrar GoDaddy.com will be treating audiences to in its Super Bowl ads this year,”- one example. The author continues on to quote a memorable commercial from a past Super Bowl. “As adults, we may be evaluating an ad's humor or creativity, but the impact on kids can be quite different. Remember the Budweiser frogs? So do kids. A study by the Center on Alcohol Advertising showed that 9- to 11-year-old kids had higher recall (73%) of the Budweiser frogs' slogan than the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (39%). And kids knew what the frogs were selling: 81% identified beer as the product promoted by the frogs. " Whether glamorizing alcohol, featuring supermodels, advertising "junkfood," or promoting new television shows or movies that may not be appropriate, our children are exposed to commercials that may not relay the values of our families.

Common Sense Media recommends that if you are viewing the commercials with your children, use them as teachable moments. Ask them, what are they trying to sell? How are they manipulating us? What isn't the ad telling us? (i.e. Alcohol is illegal under the age of 21, or the item they are selling is very expensive). Help them distinguish fantasy from reality. Hit the mute button or change the channel when you feel a commercial does not reflect your values and you would rather present the concepts to your child before he sees the ad.

We actually had a discussion about this issue with our 7^th grade boys in Advisory this past week. They recognized the inappropriateness of the ads for their "younger siblings," but thought they were old enough to handle it. It was interesting to see how passionate the students felt about the issue. What is appropriate? Who decides? Do we ever change the channel when faced by inappropriate images?

Last week, a decade long battle between the TV Networks and the Federal Communications Commission reached the Supreme Court. The Networks argue that the FCC regulations which ensure that children don't see obscenity and explicit sexual images during prime time is a violation of free speech. It is intuitive as parents to champion the FCC and and assert that it is the only way to shelter our children. Jacob Sullum in the New York Post states that young people are already exposed to all of that inappropriateness as the FCC guidelines date back to 1978 and today 90% of homes have cable television (not bound by the FCC regulations).

It is clear from the research that media influences our children's attitudes towards sexual intimacy, alcohol, violence, language, and family and peer interactions. They often pattern themselves after role models on television. That is the meaning of what we say each day in Shema from Bamidbar 15:39

"ולא תתורו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם " "And you shall not stray after your heart and eyes." We can help screen the media experiences of our children so that their hearts and eyes are exposed to the right visions, language and role models.

Better Versus Bitter

“After a setback you can be either bitter or better. The only difference between those two words is the 'I'- I have the choice to grow or to sink under hardship.” These are words that we present to our seventh graders as part of our Resiliency Unit in Advisory. Our students know this unit as “When life gives you lemons...” In this unit, we speak with the students about what they need to cope when they confront “tough times.” Tough times may be a poor grade on a test, a fight with a friend or an illness of a loved one. Students learn that resiliency or the lack thereof is the reason why some people crumble under adversity while others bounce back. But, no matter what the adversity, students learn the cognitive skills needed to bounce back.
This week's parasha reminded me of the “bitter” versus “better” quote above. As we read in Parashat Beshalach, after the splitting of the Red Sea the Jews “could not drink the waters of Marah because they were bitter” (15:23). Hashem instructs them to cast at tree into the water which sweetened the water. The Midrash in Shemot Rabba 50:3 states that the words “they were bitter” refer to Bnai Yisrael, not the waters. The waters themselves were actually fine, but the attitude of the people was bitter and pessimistic. If they had approached the water with a “sweeter” more optimistic attitude, perhaps the waters would have tasted sweet. In fact, the Torah Sheleima explains this Midrash saying, “For one who keeps something bitter like wormwood in his mouth- all sweet things he puts in his mouth seem bitter.” In life, we often confront “bitter” situations. If we approach them with an upbeat attitude and optimism we can prevail.
In Advisory the students learn about the importance of upbeat and optimistic thinking. They learn the skills of positive self-talk. The words we use with the student are “self-talk is talking to yourself and telling yourself you can do it, it will be okay, you have succeeded before and you will succeed again. It is sort of what you would tell a friend when he/she is faced with trouble, but instead, you tell the same thing to yourself.” These are skills that we can reinforce with our children as we ask of them “what messages are you telling yourself?” If the Jews had utilized some of this self-talk they would have optimistically said, “Hashem has taken care of us in the past. He will take care of us now and ensure that we have water.”
Interestingly enough, the Midrash adds that the bark of the tree that Moshe used was itself extremely bitter. The message to Bnai Yisrael was that often from bitter sweet can emerge. Situations that may appear bitter to us may eventually lead to something good in our future. At the time, it is often impossible for us to keep that in mind and hope that it was all for the best.
On Shabbat it was the 9^th Yahrzeit of my father, Rabbi Steven Dworken, a”h. One quality that my father had was to be realistic while at the same time optimistic. He challenged us to be less dramatic and more pragmatic. His children, wife, congregants and the many rabbis he mentored recall how that when one had a problem, after speaking with Rabbi Dworken, one knew it would be okay. And, it most often was.
This past Thursday we spent the day of the petirah of Beth Isaacs, a”h, thinking about the bitterness with which life often presents us. As the administrative and mental health team, we planned for her class and her colleagues and how to help them cope. We attended the funeral ourselves, and as the sadness overwhelmed us, we thought of her precious children and family and how they will cope. It is our prayer that they will find within themselves the strength to “bounce back.”